re-cent-re

Recently:

I am processing to study SRA documents - I am in lesson two(lesson one and then three was the order and now the second one) - Still I have to clarify clear muscle communication what I did not practice in this week much.
Obviously when I overestimated my ability to deliver jobs what I accepted - was a bit too much but I counted on this one - I wanted to be sure that I will do as much as I can - pushing myself off the limits and see how and why I 'sweat' and what will be the weakest chain-piece.
As we did the session at the beginning with three points - the first one opened in practical facing - I recently having sexual expression with a girl what is very fascinating - we are still forming a some kind of stability between each other what is not absolutely stable and trustable at this moment but we will see and I face myself and her and will see how far it would go - but I push myself and open myself up and write.
Obviously at these times the desire-sexual-energetic desire was the most intense - so I did not avoid this - and it is fascinating to see what come up.
While we are having sexual expression - some points came up what I want to write.
-trust issue - can I trust her? obviously can I trust myself? this is also linked with fear
-stability - also of fear - if I am not in fear - I am expressing and exploring and directing - so then I can remain stable.
-breathing - sometimes as she fasten her breath when something intense 'thingy' occurs - then I have tendency to speed up my breath as well and then I immediately go into a some sort of excitement - an energetic charging movement what builds - and it looks great but in the end it simply directs me - instead of breathing with presence and remaining stable here - and then she can enjoy herself with me longer as well and I am also more opened.

I am having sex with her only - but as I walk around in the city - fascinating to see how women 'smell' the sexual activity around me and they tend to being attracted to something around or to me. It seems to be fun but to avoid misunderstandings and temptational gates - better to be directive and stable - and when I make decisions - to be inner silent.
Also it occurs that I am in the middle of intense communication between beings and so to speak 'I fly away' and then someone asks a 'choice' from me what is not really a choice but something like a point to interact - and to be sure that I direct and common sense and oneness and equality is the basic principle - better to breath in and out and then embracing the situation and then move accordingly.

So in this week I am almost full of appointments also after work but I will find timeframes when I can go on with SRA documents and also log down some muscle communications.
Better to be absolutely self honest and write down every part of happenings while I am also establishing.
Self directive principle
I am directing myself to find timeframes to practice SRA documents and establishing muscle communication. For instance on monday night I will be alone and regardless of the work what I will do at night - one-two hours I will go to spend with SRA.

Also I could say that I could skip the meetings with my partner to 'get more time' but I decided to face her and myself fully and see what will come out from this. Way too long I was suppressing sexual-based dishonesties, and it growed inside and it looks like sometimes as an entity within myself what I can direct to a certain point and then it simply gives enormous pain within my body when a specific event occurs.
Later on I will write about it, it happened with Gy also when we were at ozora fest and I will write that too down again to see and direct myself and open and apply some self-forgiveness to prepare myself to change. In fact I am not fully aware of this but it looks like as sexual desire for energetic discharge what does not happen and then I am having pain down there almost everywhere but specifically in my ass and the tip of my penis and I have no idea what is this but as it comes very rarely and then it is too intense to write meanwhile - breathing trough is the only way.
Also I noticed that I have a defense mechanism what is referring to this kind of situations - when huge pain or unpleasant experiences I have - I am going to sleep and I expect to not have the experience when I wake up.
Mostly this is the case but sometimes it simply makes it 'sleep' and then it comes back.
Ok I will discuss this with my partner maybe she has a point what can be assisting.
Anyways I can have a sexual desire and maybe that makes this 'system' go far like this within me and simply pointing out oneness and equality.
Maybe while sex I am still compounding and working with energy what requires to be discharged and when it does not happen then my body handles it like that?

The physical experience is like that I am getting to be cold almost no matter the temperature and the clothes and then this pain goes on my ass(hole?) and the tip of my penis and it goes around down there and it is not really a physical-natured pain but somehow it is on that - and also I can have a feeling that I need to pee or poo but not really - and when I try to do so - then also something can come out and for that time as it comes - that pain is smaller but then it comes back...fascinating
Ok it was like this in the last half year about 3-4 times but when it comes - it got me for almost a hour.

I had a time when I was watching sexual content videos - for the beginning to see how people interact in groups in that kind of situations but then it was a habbit - and mostly I was not even masturbating but energetically I was giving inner reactions to that and some kind of compound happened. And later on when it was going for a long while - the body reacted with that kind of pain.

obviously I had to stop to watch those kind of videos but then I was experimenting about how and why still I watch these - and because I was not doing these in the physical.
In fact I also not wanted to do so - because then I could find that out - and why I was attracted to want to do with more than one partner? Probably because of the obvious things what people could think of this - more people - more joy? more people - less 'romantic' stuff, more direct things etc.
Also to please a woman requires a presence and maybe if more man is giving sexual pleasure for one woman then the men does not have to give full of everything of their presence so then they would remain within their mind and from there they could catch out for self-interest based for their sexual desire? No idea - but in fact with my actual partner - it is great to be in presence and give everything and remain myself and explore this.
So it was like that - a bit like Renton in the movie of trainspotting - when he stopped the drugs - he realized - he wants girl - it was like this for me also - when I stopped drugs - I was facing with coming out the big suppressed sexual desire - so intense, so great that I even did not know that it is so primal - because I was having the habit to put the desire into myself and then playing that everything is ok - but in fact it compounded -and I wanted to balance this out simply and fast - so I was like ok - I want to have sex with many people in the smallest time and space frame - so then the idea of seeking group sex arised - also I had some fun when two girls and two boy were kissing in a river while bathing naked and I was a bit surprised when I had to kiss with two girls at the same time but then this desire came up very fast from deep within and I decided to 'release' and see it and see common sense and the primary points about how and why I became this - because I was aware that this is a state of myself and later on I will release and step forward - so this is like that.
Obviously stopping sexual participation would help to equalize this but at this point, after the last 21 day no masturbation about one month ago - when this girl who I am having this kind of partnership came - I realized that this is an opportunity to step forward from that point without suppressing desire and energetic charge.
Since that I was not masturbated, about twice I was playing a bit with myself for a short time but that was not really a full masturbation, rather a bit expression and exploration.

While I was writing this - a bit pressure arised down there but it is not pain - but obviously not the most pleasant - so I breath and release. I breath and realize - energies are not real but as I compounded - the physical is resonating - so better to release by writing, sharing, self forgiveness and stopping and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress my desire by not realizing that the desire what I gave energy to - is also me - so as I suppressed this energy - I was supporting self-separation and I was supporting self-suppressing so I was not able to be fully here as physical expression but more likely I was using my human physical body to swallow these energetic experiences until the degree when it reacted with pain - so it is common sense to stop desire and act immediately with self-responsibility and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I allow myself to desire after my sight - instead of realizing that the women what I can desire after - are of definitions of my mind.
I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to desire that what I desire after - I am already expressing the separation from it and by participation of desire - I am sealing down the self-made self-dishonest choice about I am the responsible of the separation and by desire I can not be while.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to get rid of compound energetic systems within me by extremely intense acts and by that maybe I am not in the directive principle - rather that I can slowly but surely direct and act and stop.

I forgive myself that I was afraid of realizing that my personality is like a predacious animal - like a lion - and by declining this when others say to me and when finally I realize this - I am defining myself as this - instead of releasing any definition of me and be momentary expression as inner silence.

What this personality could mean for me?
That I like to pick up something and then go after it until I get it and then enjoy it extensively. But when I do not want anything then even when the things what I usually would want are around me - I am not interested at all and I am simply resting and watching and when something I want - then I go for it immediately and that's it.
Also it is like a child playing - my partner defined that child-lion-like I can be when I am not thinking.
But I can see further that within my thinking systems - I can be also like that but more like a robot hehe.
These manifestations I am not fully sure, but at this point is better to write down because I want to investigate this further. About it is true or I want to be true or I do not want to be like this or it is just some verbal diarrhoea.
In fact I do not want to be defined at all by myself - but when others would do - then my inner reactions would tell - who I am within the situations.

Of course when I was a kid, it was fascinating to see, that my star sign is leo and I am a leon and the animal king shitty - but in fact I do not know.
There are people around me who give much worth to this fact about if somebody is a lion or fishes or scorpion - but I resisted this for long - that's why I investigate it's root.

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The SRA course will be extremely supporting regarding issues like that but I am still not stable within muscle communication - and very soon I will practice it intensely when I will be at farm(probably). So until that - more open, study the SRA material and establish muscle communication and explore sexual expression.

Next post will be about a course what I did in the last three days - fascinating experience.

agree stop desire

Ok at this moment I realized I am not able to face with a woman who I can start an agreement immediately - however I am capable of pushing myself.
As I have this girl-contact who with we started to open up - I am supporting her and will see - I stand and I am not trusting within her absolutely as we are not together as the words would mean - but at this moment this also means that this is not a relationship - I am not accepting myself as desire after her and at this moment I am using this to bring up issues regarding to facing each other - many points already moved within me also in sexual expression - but what was the strangest that my music-mate noticed my expression changed and he said I look better as I am having meetings with a girl.
Fascinating - desire thingy sometimes disappears absolutely - as I am sure that we inevitabely will meet and then we wont hesitate if we want to express ourselves sexually - but what I see that when I am of mind - everything is so different - for instance at a bank's dinner place we eat each day and mostly I know the people there by visual - and there are some girls who I was fascinated by - by vision and looks - and sometimes this brings up desire - and I catch myself that I am this 'man' person who is seeking for direct contact for women - and sometimes I wheel up - and sometimes it just as comes - goes.
Breathing is the support and the solution by pushing myself and being self-honest about directing myself about to realize also - delusion makes me unreal and manifests timeloops.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desire to not be able to face with myself as separated manifested desire after what I judged as separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release desire as realizing that it comes from thoughts, feelings, emotions - and to stop - means to be able to understand how it formed and why - and then finding practical solution and pushing myself and explore inner silence as the living STOP.

SRA - establishing muscle communication = points came up shared

Ok, I was having several excercises regarding to SRA course, establishing muscle communication, still with clarifying stable, direct lock/unlock experiences with the muscle bracchiodialis.

So mostly I experience this:
in the beginning I am quite relaxed, as I simply start in the middle by saying - this is a lock, this is an unlock - and it looks like it's clear.
Then I am still practicing to explore the more subtle movements within my body regarding to lock/unlock.
After some tries - as Andrew mentioned, a constant lock could occur - but not really 'consciously' - more likely it becomes hard and the whole forearm becomes like streched deep insde the muscles. Even I can relate to that expression to describe the experience I am having - burning slowly but not sure by hot burning, more likely with a chilled one.

Obviously many points came upon as I opened myself regarding to that and first I will describe what came up and then I will write self-forgiveness about those and then some self-directive statements to prepare the practical change.

Ok, I have a slight movement inside regarding this topic so here will be a prologue what I allow to express here.

In the last years within many situations I had no problem to trust within my body at all - many cases I was able to manage to 'give myself to' my body and simply be one with that and remain silent - mostly these were intense when I had some accidents - these situations always made me react immediately and saved my life several times literally.
Altough it looks like this requires a statement and s standing - alongside with continous pushing into and as the physical - breath, expression, direct 'contact' with things.
But the fact is that I have this ingrained habit to lean into the 'mind-area' and 'there' to 'express'(inpress) because of my past.

I am getting this sleepiness right now, as I close my eyes I am beginning to fall asleep even with loud music lolol - so it could mean a divertion from facing self HERE.

So I keep pushing myself until it's done and then I will go to sleep and that's it.

So I see this intense 'lock-in' even to an extent when the body would experience a slight strain. For instance I can relate to direct physical pain - especially with those what I can not avoid physically - body pains or lately at dentist - I can not run away - or if I do so - then it will run with me - so better to face.
Expectations I can relate - energetic pre-programming to distract and influence perception.
Strong 'mule-will' also can lock me in when I want something so badly, then I would literally possess my body as a mind to try to get what I want -- not seriously but within physiscal expression - I can see that. It's like I would be a software within my head what is capable of controlling the body - adn then I am not able to hide from myself - so then I give the order to the body that 'DO IT ANYWAY' - and the body would react badly, like with these muscles for instance. Resistance, suppressed anger, fear and doubt - these are what must be distracted released removed to be sure that nothing will interfere.
I see that almost all supressions are energetically 'holding' my body and manifesting into 'unpleasant' physical expression what also produces less natural physical expression so that would go in circles if I would not stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt within myself because participating in memories and self-definitions according to polarity-based judgements related to already happened situations where I did not get what I expected for instance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to think over situations and then considering my thoughts as possibilites or facts instead of realizing that those of my past so if I participate within past - I am being influenced of my past - so I am not fully here - but I am still stuck somewhere what I did not transcend and that point is manifesting physically within or around me one and equal until I do not realize and stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppressing myself into my mind would tend to abuse my human physical body because I am separating myself from my body by perception - therefore I am not aware of my human physical body - so I am not able to be aware of the consequences of my dishonest behavior related to participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize - effective breathing can release body-stress.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to rush into excitement when I experience something what I am not directing yet I am judging it as great according to self-definition.

I stop to participate within doubt according to my physical expression in all time frames.
I stop becoming excited by simply breathing and remain physical as the body as presence.
I stop wanting results instead of opening myself up and releasing constructs naturally directly by applying self honesty and self forgiveness.
I continue to develop stabilization regarding to indicator/change and will explore the another muscle in the arm to get a broader experience.
Also I start to test muscle responses regarding to statements like color of something or trivial stuffs with common sense and see how things work.
Also I will write more regarding to experiences and share some in the SRA forum.
And write about desire and releasing separation of desire of attention divertion from myself and see why and how I escape from exposing self definition.

well

well, two hours ago I was at a modern jazz concert, I was having my regular cafe at Billy caffe, and there were lot of people and the jazz concert was starting, these guys looked so professional and when they began, they were flowing quite intensely some kind of waving instrumental flow and it was kind of interesting and after that it became obvious that they are musicians who were educated but they were having fun.
sometimes they made this animal-like rage being expressed rawly but remaining within the musical structure but for moments they even managed to push that a bit more too...
I was standing there and I found an interesting point - that enjoying myself as presence is like I am this full man without concept and flowing but remaining within the stable structure of me...

with my new partner I am exploring this stable standing within ourselves and it is a some kind of statement - like I am standing up - standing out - standing here, no matter what and I am no waving within this standing regarding to the statement - and that's it - no separation, no doubt, no past, no future, I am here, I stand...
very very very assisting to face myself within this - and when waving occurs - to be able to immediately realize the inner reaction and the starting point of disability to stand unchangeable - it's like I state out - I am facing everything here as me and issues come - and I am embracing.

And there are points where I used to go within myself and it is cool to see - unnecessary, unnatural, undeniable dishonest - so breathing and keep pushing myself.

It's literally like giving birth but not for a child, but for myself as life.
So first point can be embraced - what is the sex-desire-fear triangle construct.

desire after sex = fear

so it is assisting to dissolve this construct when I am not within desire - after sex lol - I can see the fear when this system of me within mind consciousness would tend to re-connect.

F.E.A.R from
-realize:
- I accept myself as unfulfilled
- I tend to escape into other instead of sorting out and expressing my issues
- I am running away from my shadow what is just a reflection of my starting point
- I escape from being intimated with myself and also with others because that woudld mean direct facing
- I have tendency to slip away from responsibility when influencing beings is unavoidable and by that I am exposing that I am not sure of myself absolutely
- etc

so this thingies can be realized within one moment when I am in the situation of opening myself - and mostly these are of past but when I am not absolutely directing myself within a strict structure of for instance 4 count breath - they would come up and influencing my presence and then by accepting that without immediate self-correcting application - I am reinforcing my definition of myself with the starting point of accepting myself as dishonest

ok I have to push myself into stabilization of muscle communication

from now on at least 10 days each - each day I will practice at least 20 minutes and writing the experiences and sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt within my statement that I would not be able to stand as the self-directive of managing myself to practice SRA each day at least 20 minutes without being distracted and then writing and sharing the experiences.
PUSH self tala as moment as breath as birth
I am birthing myself as moment and I am sorting out my dishonesties because I do not accept myself as this thinker anymore.
I direct I type I write I express I breath I am here

sexual exploration from abstract to practical

wake
wake

a wake
a make awake

I was having a great rush and then the pacifying feeling was an almost falling.
Mostly I perceived myself as some kind of fade presence with one dimensional thingspopping emulator validator projection post-simulation loopmachine.

Looping up those what had no meaning at all made me certain about I am not full.
Who can judge me except my own pollice structure within my head - lost all carpets in a second when continous energy release I experienced within this physical expansion along and within my human physical body.

This can be referred as an orgasm but it was like not usual release of the compound heap of suppressed energetic inner re-reflections - but within the concept it was no concept at all - loosing all hope was freedom.
Within and as after all escape I found myself within the situation that I am pinpointed here within the fact that I am with her undoubtably together without any need for to get her - not to get her anymore because her is here as me.

Walking by the thoughts some for sake went trough within this interdimensional virtual 3d-head-space and conclusions as con sequences were seeds of manifestations and for a loooooo-oooo--ooooong moment - I had nothing to release as I was nothing of compound but the very integration of the system as self facialization by an intense presence as the physical.

Fear arised about protection and loosing the control after replaying this I HAD TO (but why anyway?) conclude that I was not well disciplined as I walked into a restricted are within my expression by allowing to trust in her?
This point came up and up again as I gained the dobubt until the point that I have nothing to do with this and I forgive myself as I allow myself to fear and then I cover my fear by doubt, projection to others instead of act immediately within self trust.
I was not able to shortcut this until the point when I brought up this point to her about 'I am not ready for having a baby' - so she said 'don't be afraid'.
No chance but stand and embrace.
This point was probably a main big issue within my previous relationships regarding to sexual expression.
Even I had this 'pulling back' because I was not able to absolutely stand within the self-directive principle that I am not going anywhere and also I am not cuming here.
But as time passed by as perception released as breath by breath we moved - this looked very unreal so I did let go and pure enjoy as self movement without any CON - as con-cern, as con-cert of inner reactions - self exploration I experienced but for times only for moments and thoughts came upon, mostly past based trust issues by participation of memory - me morey - but as I put me more into past - the less I am here.
So this memory is of bullshit - but it is still influencing me - more precisely: I am influencing myself by my past as I did not release absolutely the idea of me - some kind of crystalization what resonated into and as myself and still I 'carry'.

Also a big hunger came upon as I also tried to 'flip up' the current system of suppressed sexual over-control - I experienced a subtle desire for exploration: required - required - required - blinked within my body and I was like - ok so masturbation would be cool? but as I did - was way funny to realize - not this is not that but can be - so then I was like - see next case with her...

And also sexual expression - since may I did not do this kind of stuff - but as some days ago we did - I realized that I have to 'develop back' my ability to not rush into arousal-based fast-orgasm-selfish-ness with her...
Because also years ago I realized - it looks like with an other without direct self-movement - after the so called 'orgasm' - my arousement and all of this kind of fascinations - are gone and I am even uncapable of being hard again because of this ingrained behaviour - that I got what I want so that's it - but here is the other me as woman who is experiencing me as well as I am.
Facing is inevitable and self movement is also very suggested - so literally I had no chance - only move myself and enjoy ourselves.
But within the concern of 'not having orgasm too soon because I will loose my interest of her before she would also enjoy orgasm' - I am already slave of polarity manifestation and not I am the directing principle.
Pfffffff...
I want to explore this more as writing stabilizes realizations and self forgiveness is assisting me to explore self honesty.

I forgive myself that I fear of expressing fully myself as presence within sexual expression because then I would fear of having an orgasm too early becase of compounding energy will take control of me and simply would charge out.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myelf to realize that I stopped sexual expression with an other because of fearing of I am not able to separate myself from other's mind anymore and exposing my desire to be with and as my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was fearing of having a baby when I have sexual intercourse with a girl.
I forgive mysel that I have allowed myself to fear for being a father becaue then I would not be able to live like this anymore - and by being the father role would consume me who I am at this moment and I want to avoid that.
I forgive myself that for moments I was not able to direct myself within sexual expression as breath because I was in participation of my memory instead of facing physical issues with her as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to develop a system within myself to use pictures within my mind to decrease my arousedness in order to try to contain the compound sexual energy - instead of realizing that direct self presence as expression within and as breathing here - would not create/feed/empower separated mind-entity-manifestations within my head - so the solution would be to see how and why I created those patterns-antipatterns and by applying self forgiveness releasing and exploring myself behind these suppressions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a picture of a dead cat in the hot highway concrete to reduce my sexual arousedness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge woman physical body by past-based definitions of shapes-ratios and by previous close-physical encounters with other women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to have sex with women in order to have the feeling of unification instead of realizing that the very manifestation of desire by thoughts, feelings, emotions are the cause and the effect of the desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself directly here absolutely because of fear that I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use schemas and patterns in order to give a mask for woman who I am with in bed that I am like something what I would preferred to being perceived by -- past based fears and desires and suppressions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within self direction and with the breathing as inner silence by simply as who I am and always using something of consciousness to being silenced by conditions and not realizing that I am of slave of my own escape from myself as the physical manifestation of self-dishonesty - until I stop unconditionally stabily and then it is done and I am here.

So next time I am able to stand directly here and physically push myself as expression and exploration and not allowing myself to use thoughts feelings and emotions to control myself - but being here and apply myself as presence.

SRA + thingies

I started SRA, not much I practiced, however the concept is clear. Still clarifying muscle communication. With Andrea the first session was to name 3 issues what came up within me.
The three were, the first is the most: desire(sex), fear(money), fear(health).

So the points were clarified, much thing happened since I wrote.
I was like I had the urge to write but I was also busy and I was like "Ok, I write when I write" so then today I write - I want to write and I do so.
Why today? Well, recently many points I've faced so some perspectives I write to see, realize, share.
So start from practical stuff - I was busy with my tiny home studio - not a secret anymore, it has some serious power so very soon the music project can start. Still much has to learn, however somewhere - HERE - I simply start and will explore and expand.
I've managed to afford to join the SRA course and bought the ticket to SA. It will be payed holiday, so by this it won't be long but when I return, I wont start from scratches, what never happened before.
I was also considering to prepare myself to leave my jobs, basically because I have no time for practice music and filming and those are more important than collecting money for other things to buy - and also the fact is that in this country I get about 1200 euros in a month and there are places where I could get much more money for a month with the same work - anyways - I will see.

So the desire-sex thing - I did a 21 days no masturbation discipline, it was quite an intense, but was not really hard - decision and standing - Still I am experiencing picture-based arousal but after the 21 days it was much less influencing.
After a week, a girl visited me - once we spoke and we spoke again for long hours and then yesterday I've pushed myself trough resistance regarding to enjoy sex with her and we had some hours intense moments - well it was not an agreement thingy but in fact I am here and I am exploring what is here...
Fascinating thing was that this was not of the arousal energy direction what I experienced before - it was more likely I was pushing myself and then I was in some kind of discipline and we enjoyed much without a word - however some thoughts popped up, later on I will explain those as well - And it was fascinating experience that my arousal when I lost my direct presence expression from here into my head by following several thoughts - my arousal was gone - even some times almost immediately. I had to build myself up almost literally to be able to stand and direct sexual expression with and as her - and we enjoyed it for some hours - this is a direct self facing experience. Ok, when I had the orgasm, I had no huge pain, but it was really intense and I felt like I was exploding continuously.
After these events at night - I experience myself less painful within my hands - so much suppressed anger and strain I expressed by self movement continuously - enormous effect I experience within experiencing here.
This sexual thingy I experienced last time about may of the last year - but with that girl it was more likely an urge - she was urging me to have an orgasm and she was not able to be self directive at all... So at last night, at the first time I could 'experiment' with this self presence without expectation and fear and blabla.
Ok, I had a concern about what would happen if we make a baby, but at this point she said it would not be an issue - but a bit I am still concerned lol so we will discuss this point later. I dont say I can not trust in her - more likely I say so: I trust within me.
I do not know that there will be an event like this, but maybe - will see.
I am not desiring after it all and also I wanted to stop masturbating and it's really not a big deal as I handled it before - because from a point I was handling my opinions and fears instead of dealing with real physical issues.

Some realizations I had also about breathing and about suppressing breath and what is conditional apparent-self-expression and what can be direct self presence expression.
I am curious to make a video about that later on.
In fact I made a text video about quoting from Gurdjieff, I made some background video animations based on my recordings with tons of effects - but I am not in hurry to share until I do not manage to make a great, impacting intense electronic music for that one specifically. With my new TC mastering plugins, here all sound quality is multiplied. I am very fascinated about this, so I will rewatch steinberg studio mastering series to get deeper in this.

My jobs: my first(all day going) job at the office is getting more intense, and we are quite busy all day but when I come home, I am doing the second job what is not a nice one(nasty existing code to work with, slow system) but I decided to make it ASAP(I signed deadline 15 of march) and it requires real hard work, but I am sure that when I will finish this - it will worth it - self expression and self direction issues. This will raise my CV much more - so for CV-side along with the current work at disney - I am sure that this will be enough anywhere at the planet to get a pricey job - if I would want that...and about I am not sure - I want to push myself with music exploration and production alongside with filming.
In fact filming is a great issue as I am getting to a point where I should get into a specialization - writing/being cameraman/directing/editing/effecting/sound engineering -- will see...

Also there is this point that sometimes I can catch myself on that I am being attracted to the girl who is giving my second job, even I experience that she is waiting for me to step on but I did not do anything like that.
Some people said to me recently, mostly girls that I should step on to show what I want from girls instead of playing to be a good booooy - lol.

Ok I am not after to be this tasting different women but first to not suppress and divert from my sexual desires and by this - realizing and self forgiveness can assist me to clear my head and be able to direct within and as the moment.

Also by accident I saw Gy(the girl who I was with at rainbow, and ozorafest and we spent some intense times(without going into deep what I expected and that's why I stopped to meet her because I felt that she is not showing herself up and also rejected me when I asked to form an agreement and also have sex and support each other unconditionally - so since then we did not meet - about 4 months)...
I had some thoughts about her and mostly I said self forgiveness to release the points and explore what is this desire after her and mostly it's core was desire to have sex and also desiring for support and be supportive.
So I saw her as she was working on street - underground at metro she was doing her greenpeace money collecting job as usually and I saw her body from background and she had tons of clothes as here is about minus five at day - and I had a thought about "ok, maybe she is she, so let's sneak away" and I was like loool, let's face her.
So I approached her and she was very happy hugged me for long and told me that she is very very happy and actually busy with saving me and the planet and I was very direct about saying that she is not saving me at all - and she told me quite much in five minutes and I was a bit holding back and I had this urge to kiss her so I transformed it to hug her a bit back - and then she said she would meet me and making this 'friendship' thingy and I was not sure what to say about that so I did not say anything - or a bit 'maybe' - after that at work I was flying away two times while my boss was telling about the job and issues at work and I was like about her and I had to direct myself to let her go in my head - so basically I am still influenced with her - so what would be supportive? To meet her and face and stand or to avoid her? As I am me - I chose first one and rather fall again instead of avoiding exposuring myself.
I sent to her about Carlin's perspective of saving the planet - I like to watch that one as it is really great -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eScDfYzMEEw


Self forgiveness points as they come up here:
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to program myself trough pictures.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define pictures as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind pictures.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to hide from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire after sex instead of act and direct myself when I want without an urge - a compound energetic control inside of me.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to suppress my expressions and wanting to contain them and secluding within myself and not realizing that here is everything of me all ways so it is common sense to start realize and bring everything of me here and directly stop and express inner silence troughout breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn to shut down and not being able to hear what point I was not hearing within myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from having sex with woman because then I could be exposed that in last months I was masturbating only and then I would have some discipline issues - instead of facing this point and moving trough it and changing physically by expressing and sharing my concerns by stating oout - this was me, yes, but I already realized that this is of deception because of based on thoughts, feelings, emotions - and then practically finding solutions to change.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself by my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to being directed by women by the secret hope of desire to have something what I can not have by trusting me and act immediately, but trying to manipulate and hope in order to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after Gy - to desire to have sex with her instead of realizing that I am desiring to fullfil to react to my own desire as definitions about what would be good instead of being here and directly experience self direction regardless to others especially girls and very specifically Gy.

self forgiveness about hair

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to judge hairdo at all - instead of realizing that if I define me and my reactions and my judgements related to pictures - I am being directed by impulses and then I am not the directive principle here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by media, especially movies and advertisements about how a woman should look like - and then I've developed a judgement system what I use for expressing polarity system manifestation based on like/dislike - instead of realizing that this is of deception, because I am being directed by pictures, I am being defined by pictures, I am becoming pictured...
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define woman based on their hairdo, especially when they have long hair and more especially when they have long, curly dark hair - this is how I've defined beauty - I let this go, I cancel this definition.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define that I have to judge beings in order to categorize them by their lookout in order to be able to react for them accordingly.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to react to beings according to norms and beliefs what are being promoted within the human society.
I forgive myself that I've defined woman by their shape and hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my hairdo.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by other's reactions and responses towards my hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others especially women when I am about to change my hairdo(mostly cut it down).
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to push woman to cut their hairdo systematically in order to 'test' them - but in fact I am doing this to stabilize my accepted 'haircut' system because I've allowed also to judge to be bald is 'cool'.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define to be bald as 'cool', because I've defined it based on history, movies, monks etc.
I forgive myself that I've defined to be bald as more 'transcending' than to have hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling that I am getting rid of the layers in me what are from this world when I cut my hair and then by this being able to define myself as 'transcender' instead of being the living expression as physical change as the word as me as one as equal 'transcendence'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my hair based on it's density and itchyness and not realizing that when I am scratching my head - I am scratching my mind so to speak to induce definitions pop up related to situations where I am in to be able to react accordingly to my personality system.

I am not allowing to define me or others based on their hair - or if I am exposing myself to do so - I rather to realize how and why and by applying self-forgiveness - I am becoming aware of the entire construct of hair-system to be able to stop being defined or directed by hair in any way whatsoever.

downfall is of consciousness

I direct myself here
I breath here I breath in I stand and I breath out
i release all definitions about how and why I am, I am simply here
I release all desires as I already realized that these make me busy in order to fight against the fact that I accept myself as deluded with the idea of separation - therefore to balance that out - I 'invented' this 'inner lean' to deceive myself to be able to 'operate' on a 'normal' level.
Most of my revelations came from energy-based-manipulations - almost all of self-abuse by manipulation of the substance and it's effects on mind.

As I accept some points as separated directive principle within my life - these will direct me instead of me being here directive.
This downfalls what I experience...rarely but surely - are part of a big cycle of energetic compound movement - way more of being simple but at it's core it is - polarity-based systematic self-justifications about me to survice, being entertained and being 'interested' in realization.
But in fact - any 'interest' can be deception - because it is not an interest to be self-honest - because this is who I really am and if I allow myself even for a moment to not be self-honest - than I am revealing that I am not self honest.
I tend to be hard on myself in a way what can be seen as harsh but in fact - there is no such thing as moderate self-honesty - it is here as stable, constant self-expression - or it is conditional and therefore not self-directed, self-willed, it is not real.
The point is to be absolute self honest or to be absolutely self-dishonest?
It is a process, however if I put myself into a construct of an 'imagined' process - that can be easily a good base of self-deception by using it as an excuse for self-justification, for a polarity overweight for the self-interested self-deception.

recon sider

i recon-sider all my shit again

it's like I am directing and then suddenly reacting and I am stopping but like splinters are allowed and by slowly - it compounds and all fall within a moment
and then this robot me acts like a bullsheet and then this time stuff occurs and then again I pick up my head
where was I?
where the fuck I've been since from what???

I forgive myself to allowing myself as dishonest.
I forgive myself to project myself into a system so called process instead of realizing that I am here as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore what forgiveness is all about in and as physical.
I forgive myself that I have been hard on myself in order to control me by me as polarity manifestation of delusional separation.
I forgive myself that I have been allowing myself to desire after energetic charge because I allow emotional compound and it is getting too much then I allow it to release on a self-programmed way such as abusing my human physical body with suppressing breath here and being completely not here but within and as thinking dimensions and reacting to my own dishonesties with other dishonesties and becoming a hall of graph within and as the mind consciousness system.
I stand up here and I do not accept myself as recreational thinking instead of being directive here and no matter what - I apply self forgiveness and I apply practical stop and I mean fucking stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as self-writing but procastinating and allowing such thoughts as 'ok I will probably fall but then probably I will learn from it' - it entails hope and entails self-doubt, self-abdication what must be stopped once and for all.

job #2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to make my actual job because I defined it very robotic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to rebel within myself regarding to do my accepted job because I've defined the price what I get for it as small.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define my commitment to my jobs regarding to the amount of money.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining the price for my job as worthy or unworthy regarding to my accepted definitions about quantity of money.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself about my job related to that I've defined it to make the job based on three statement and then I am trying to pull back instead of being absolute self directive and doing it on the way as I want.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to being driven by woman who I've defined as beautiful in order to have a hope of having some effort such as presence of them instead of using common sense and being self directive as inner silence and realize how and why I've allowed myself to be like this within my past...


I accepted the job(a big museum's webpage has bugs and requires administration about weekly but in these times it is really much to do) because
-I wanted some extra money more than my actual salary
-I wanted to have a good reference into my CV for being more easy for finding future jobs
-I wanted a job what could be done from outside of the country in order to 'stand on multiple foots financially'
-I found very charming the client-contractor girl.

So by these definitions I've accepted the job and I am doing it since april - but I see at this moment that it is getting too much and with these jobs - I barely have any time when I am not working and I experience a bit exhaustion and also I see it on my human physical body...
The question would be that this exhaustion also would be when I would not doing the second job but doing something different(probably making videos and music or writing)?

Also I see that jobs what are not food for my mind can be judged by me as 'boring' - for instance doing something what does not require constant learning, continous complex abstraction -- these I've defined 'robotic' and therefore I always avoided -- also that's why avoided many kind of jobs - I always needed the heap of obsticles what can be shoveled only by using 'cognitive' act for instance computer programming and solving problems within complex systems...

My main job(not the one what I've mentioned above, but what I do in the office all day) is a typical example: building up a website workflow management system driven by multiple business processes and being served by many webservices what are communicating with file sharing, database, versionhandling and other systems -- and of course being used by a webfronted...
So this guarantees that I can not define it boring...fascinating...
ok but not much writing today because the job part what I want to be done - I finish it tonight no matter what...

And a scripting up for the so called 'future' - I am fixing these errors in some days and then continuing the development of this new feature(what is to give webshop-like program selection,payment section into the webpage and also handling card transfers in a somekind of transaction) and then in the begining of the year giving back this job - no matter the fact that I will get less money - in fact I will already have the reference within my CV what I wanted and maybe it was not a big deal, but anyway then I will have multiple job experiences in web-based payment systems what could be handy in the forthcoming years...
But until that - I am committing myself to the job - regardless of the money - and then being done will be result.

release rely ease for giveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to breath in the 'background' - not realizing that by suppressing the breath - I suppress myself who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore practical solution by finding excuses to not stand up immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use financial situation as an excuse to not stand up for myself and stopping the inner reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for myself according to pain or in order to avoid pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define non physical pain within myself within and as the mind by defining myself unbearable or too intense.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that everything is here as me and what I do not direct here as me - I allow separation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself in every single moment to stop the dishonesty as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity of the stopping of me as mind consciousness system because not being aware of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use human physical body as a vessel, a machine for my mind as I've allowed myself to define myself as the mind and consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex to have release and satisfaction - instead of exploring how and why I separate myself from these words and their' meanings and also by realizing these meanings and how and why I've defined these in order to 'create' separation within and as me here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my systems to a certain degree when these systems are taking over me and then I am being absolutely directed, almost being possessed and then I am slowly realizing that what I am doing is not who I am and I have to stop and then I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the masturbation demon within me and by suppressing it - defining it as energy and then being obsessed to avoid sexual expression and then it simply explodes and I am not here as directive principle for moments while the energetic release is experienced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to being aroused by pictures and sounds of women or people having sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sexual arousement as an attention divertion from me from here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing full sexual self expression and then wanting to stop it or wanting to release it -- instead of being here and being self and being expression.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with a woman because then it could happen that she would be obsessed with me or I would be obsessed with her - because in the past I had these experiences - it can only reoccur if I do so.
I forgive myaself that I have allowed myself to escape from me as self expressionb because I've judged myself before I would allowed myself to even experience myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being exposed by others as mind system demon - instead of taking self-responsibility and sharing what I've allowed myself to become and assisting and supporting me and others by be the living example of stopping me as mind consciousness system and express life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from me as presence as breath as body expression to specific situations what come by while I am moving within and as 3d physical. For instance meeting with someone or talking with someone - or being specifically busy with something such as making a tea or typing words or commands.

hold, pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself as human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I stress myself and my human physical body aa one as equal - expressing myself as fear and exposing myself as being hold back because of defining myself by past, by memories.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as living forgiveness and breath naturally - by holding desires, fears and hopes - instead of realizing that these are of illusion, self-delusion, self-deception. I am here who I am as presence as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear of - I am not standing up as one and equal and stop this polarity manifestation as greater-smaller, more and less powerful etc.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my presence as being naturally here as breath and allow myself to explore what is here as presence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my desires after something is the very manifestation of self-abdication and self-doubt - because I desire because I do not experience and I do not experience because I define it separated from me instead of being here as oneness and equality with and as all me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am exhausted because I am not here as breath and mostly always was like this but I am becoming aware of how much I am of rigid fear by suppressing the breath of life as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I give myself into programs based on impulses from outside and then becoming reactional instead of exploring what I am doing and being self-honest about why and stopping dishonesties such as being attracted to things, beings based on my definitions based on polarity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each situation when I experience intense resistance toward to be here as natural breath expression - and when these are what make my breath almost literally freeze - these situations are uncovering my personality manifestation based on fear - so I can realize what and how I am still allowing to fear.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath when I experience physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from situations whereabout I experienced pain before - and while I am defining a situation as possible painsource: reacting on the same way such as freezing breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath back when I experience pain and then after a while only realizing that breath I am and breath here can assist myself to experience fully the pain and realize why it is here and how I participated with and as self as physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweating down when I am experiencing physical pain and holding my breath back because literally petrifying from the intense experience and not being able to move but simply hoping and waiting for the pain's disappear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself less than pain instead of being one and equal as the pain as self and act immediately such as breath expression as physical presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that pain will go simply by doing nothing such as freezing my body and doing nothing and even holding my breath back - instead of acting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself according to avoiding physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical pain as bad because I've define physical pain as uncontrollable, unavoidable, petrifying, blocking, degrading, mutilating, torturing.
I forgive myself that I have not considered to stop me being a mind system even when physical pain is raging within and as me as the physical manifestation of systems within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed to try to escape from physical pain into and as the mind with thoughts, emotions, feelings - instead of realizing that these are the very cause of the manifestation of the physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to start thinking when I have continuous pain - and by accepting the pain, not acting but being petrified physically and escaping int and as mind dimension - by accepting myself as a slave of my pain/mind. I stand up for myself as me as the unification as being here and presence as breath and stopping accepting myself as thought patterns and applying self forgiveness and expressing self honesty as practical solution to explore self-stability as presence as inner silence.