Week of heatstroke and Self Forgiveness on emotions

2011.09.18

I am officially "offsick". The first part will be the story how I experienced myself through the week, the second part will be Self Forgiveness and some Self Corrective Statements.

I got heatstroke and at the same time I was down with cold and sore throat. Strange coupling. We were motorboating on the river Danube near my sister's weekend house meanwhile I was not wearing hat(sometimes yes, but to not allow the wind to take away the hat - I took it off) and I was busy with photographing and video recording while not considering the physical conditions. This was the second time this year when I was under sun more than half a hour and I had no chance.
The strange thing was that almost for a day I did not know that I have any problem. After the boating I was having my head really hot and I felt myself weak, so when we returned from the trip(it was about 2-3 hours totally), I used my sister's hat and made it wet and went into the hut to take a nap meanwhile I could not sleep but somehow I felt myself 'charging'.
Later afternoon I felt better, then I went out with my agreement partner Suszti and we did take a bath in the river naked - then again we were power-boating again - this time even myself I drove the thing for a while.
After the trip we went back to my mother's house, spend a hour and then with Suszti we caught the train back to Budapest.

On the train I was about to feel that I am exploding slowly but surely. I even considered the possibility that somebody gave me high dose LSD as the symptoms were very similar:
-Energetic bursts circulated within my whole physical body while I felt like I am on a dimensional shift because I could not find my place
-I felt very uncomfortable because I could not handle to just sit there meanwhile Suszti was reading because emotions started to infest my mind from apparently nowhere.

I was familliar with this as I took psychedelic drugs hundreds of times within my past but this was way more rude and raw - and as hours passed - it did not flip out as 'trips' usually do but intensified to the outmost degree.

When we arrived to Budapest, we went down to the subway wherein about 15 times more people were waiting - no chance to get the metro within rational time frame, probably some traffic problem, so we went up and in that moment I was about to burst some anger with my fist hitting the handrail on the moving staircase. Suszti suggested to not let myself go and discipline myself but I was having seriously problematic time to even be aware of my breath at will.
I was behaving like her 3 years old kid when he is tired around 20PM and I was about to start walking instead of wait one minute for the tram but then the tram came, then we changed the tram and we already argued some and I 'knew' that I lost the point HERE but I told her, I simply want to move on instead of some helpless wait.
On the tram I was already crying, I could not help stopping my tears so I took on and closed my eyes and experienced my tears flowing.
After that at my place we started to argue on something, Suszti was bringing up some points within our agreement as how unpleasant when women approach me and very soon she left me , she rather wanted to be alone than with me. We had a particular issue what we could not agree on and I was unable to use common sense in that time, but this will be a topic of a future blog post, regarding to current status of our agreement. So.
I went to sleep - that was the only thing I could do, to go into my bed and try to sleep - after a while I slept in and Suszti came back - it turned out that she missed the tram and could not get home so after a while she came back about at 1 AM. I opened the door for her and that was the time when I realized that I was extremely freezing out, my body was shaking like never before and she came to me into the bed and she told me that my body is very very hot, I am having a very high fever what should be pushed down with medication but I told her I do not care, just 'hug me' and we slept. It was very clear then that I got something serious sickness, so I've planned to go to doctor in the morning instead of work.
In the morning she went to work, I did pee almost orange and then I bought a thermometer, at 8AM it was 38.4.
Doctor told me that I got heatstroke and got virus with sore throat and she gave me Algopyrin pills and took me to sick-pay. Until Wednesday my fever did not really go below 38, only if I took 1-2 pills - and my tears just flowed many-many times. Not because of the extreme pain what all parts of my body felt like but somehow I felt like all the suppressed shit throughout the years was lacerated and came to surface. I was facing myself.

I was literally burning out all the suppressed shit within and as my human phyisical body and literally it was one of my most intense things of my life. Man, I felt aggrieved so strong, that I was crying again and then I realized this is what I can thank only to myself.
I was blustering for years because of 'I can not cry since 10 years' - I was crying. It was relief.
When the pill did not take my fever, I took a cold shower and I was shaking like in the movie Trainspotting where the heroin-addict guy was occluded from the stuff. Even I did laugh on myself about what did I think when I did suppress myself throughout the years, not only by myself, but with the drugs, with the dope, with all kinds of 'psycho'-delusional stuff.

But it was worthy - to walk through directly this to experience what degree I suppressed the shit into and as my human physical body, simply for instance one point, suppressing emotions.

But the week was not simply I was in bed all the time - the timing was about to 'clean up' my current place, go to the new apartment(I found it before) and pay in advance to be able to take out from October. So I had to clean up my place and it was a mess! So I took two pills instead of two and I was packing and cleaning on Wednesday. I've noticed that my brain is skipping points, forgetting things very easily and my focus and discipline was very weak, I was discursive. I was watching movies also, I remember 'The girl with dragon tattoo' - and there were some very nasty and evil killings in the movie and I found it very very disturbing, usually I do not 'feel' like.
The next point what raised the 'stakes' of this whole experience that I had no money. I had to put down all of existing money into the next flat(advance money), so I took my poor-box full with coins and I started to roll up 5's and 10's and 20's to 500HUF's. It was very intense experience as I was digging after bigger coins with my fingers in a big pot.
On Wednesday morning I did vomit from the tap water while I was washing my tooth - nothing really came out as since days I was barely able to eat anything, but I felt the tap water very stinky and undrinkable. Then I went back to doctor for check-up and meanwhile I was walking on the street, I noticed how disgusting it is - very dirty, literally shitty, raunchy, getto-like the district is where I was living since 3 years. I always knew that it is one of the ugliest part of the city, but I almost vomit on the street again. I was very glad that the next apartment will be in Buda, the 'greener/nicer' part of Budapest.

So within this continuous temptation of reacting to different kind of things, the only thing what really assisted me that I was saying self-forgiveness and I knew that I stick to breath and I did count my breath as much as I could, just breath trough, if I get through this shit, I will not fuck myself up with suppressing emotions again, I will not smoke again and I will stop all participation within emotions no matter what because it is extremely insane to live like this. So then as days passed, my body's heat-system started to recover, I was able to eat more and more and I was better but still I took naps in each 3 hours.

On Friday night I felt the first time that I am getting stronger so I could do some pushups.
At Suszti, there was a meeting with people who we traveled a lot before and I was enjoying to eat and talk.
Yesterday, on Saturday I came home(from Suszti's) and I was able to continue with my second job(still about to 'finish' my task and if it's done, my contract will end!).
I got one week to finish it, to write down the handover documentation.
Tomorrow I will look after Suszti's kid while she will go out, so I will be able to continue the mind construct what I must finish ASAP for the current lesson within Desteniiprocess.

I remember that when I was at Desteni farm, while talking with Resonances, that I have the tendency to suppress emotions very quickly, I even did not become aware of it, because the emotion 'comes' and in the next micro-second it was suppressed into the physical body and I was like "I have no emotions, I am 'clear'", but in fact I just suppressed it.

Self forgiveness - emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do suppress emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not aware of suppressed emotions only when it is too much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotion as weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight emotions, I am of emotions.
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to release emotions when they arise.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for my emotions.
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as emotionless instead of realizing that I do suppress emotions in a nanosecond when they arise and then I can act as 'I have no emotions' - meanwhile I push them down into and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by fighting my emotions I fight with myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight myself, I will always lose because no matter what part of me 'wins' - the other part of me always loses therefore I am manifested of and as this polarity manifestation of winning/losing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to win.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never want to lose.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions I am not moving but standing still.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppression is of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself who I am actually of and as emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions into and as my human physical body, I am actually abusing my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from emotional discharges when the suppression of emotions is so extreme that my body will not handle it and it may manifest accident, sickness or simply mind-possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that a man can never cry because then he can be perceived as weak.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppressed fear from being weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'man' as somebody who can never have emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as weak therefore to overbalance this perception within my mind I've defined myself as somebody who can never allow to show weakness such as emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from the emotions what I've accepted to manifest within myself, then I have no directive principle over the emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by 1+1=2, thought by thought I accumulate energetic charges within and as my mind what I experience and then I define it as who I am instead of realizing that these are the systematic manifestations of myself what I've accepted and allowed to develop, manifest and sustain by continuous participation of self-dishonesties as self-judgments based on memory.

Self corrective statements

Emotions:
When I experience a slight movement inside of me - I let it out, I express, I assist and support myself to bring into reality as momentary expression.
When I experience that I stop - I must realize that I am suppressing, I stopped expressing. I breathe, I let go everything within me, I am here, what is here? I express here!
When I experience emotions come up, I do not judge, I do not fear from being of it, I do not suppress it, I look into me as me and I realize what is it, what is the starting point of it, how I created, why I created and I let go.
When I do not understand something, I do not try to 'think it out', I trust myself as moment.
Physical:
When I am under sunlight, I consider that I am bald, I require hat, I require shade, I require water.
When I experience that I start to be dizzy, I consider to rest, the sun, take water.
When I am with others, I might consider that I can make myself to be too busy to notice what my body can and can not take.
When I am using my camera, I still should consider my human physical body, it's limits, it's requirements.
When I am using my camera, I must be aware that I have the tendency to obsess myself with the recording too much and not realizing the whole HEREness of my body, others.

I will continue writing on crying

SickSackSuckSock

Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.
I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...
Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.
This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.
Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.
So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.
At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.
I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.
I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.
I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.