[JTL 52] Stop the fear from Self-direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear from losing inherently within resonantly what makes me energetic and by that energy I confront this anxiety of fear to fight over and dominate and push down the fear with apparently great bravery of confronting within - without even being self-honest of how and why I manifest the fear from losing and considering to directly stopping that.
Self-direction:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself direction by allowing something else to direct me without realizing it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize what is directing me and where I am not the directive principle of myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand/see/realize that if I am not directing myself here in every moment of every breath - I am accepting and allowing to be directed by what I am not myself here directly within presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within the religion of self based on the accumulation of thoughts, feelings and emotions that I do not need to direct myself here within consistent presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow knowledge and information to drive me and direct me within not realizing that I've allowed to trust within the accumlation of memories instead of directly myself here undefined as physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to to use knowledge and information as self-definition as directive principle instead of myself here as breath as life as all as equal as one as physical expression without fear from being wrong, being not real and without defining myself being insignificant, lost and irrelevant.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the relationship within what I've formed and built up based on words is consciousness and my reactions and habits and automated manifestations I've defined as myself as the religion of self and trusted and used as a starting point without ever seeing/understanding/realizing that it is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about the realization that based on my starting point I am who I define and perceive myself to be in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have never ever realized that any fear within me indicates that I doubt that I am not here as real because any fear indicates that I trust relationship between words and definitions and pictures and feelings and emotions and reactions more than myself here, remaining as self constantly without any fear here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I define as myself is an attempt to prove to myself and others that I am real within the starting point of fear meanwhile not realizing that I am my starting point as equal as one here within and as the self-definition based on an image and likeness of me as fear - fear of loss of what I am not in fact as fear from who I am: is not real and who I am within fear: I can lose and meanwhile never realizing that if I am real, I am constant, consistent, without any fear.


So self-direction in relationship to the word fear, real.

Purification is required - fear, relationship, real.

What association come up about the word:  
fear:
fear from not being real
fear from losing myself
fear from not having time to express myself
fear from pain
fear from more fear
fear from accepting fear
fear from letting go fear
fear from myself
fear from women
fear from war
fear from evil
fear from being evil
fear from not having fear

relationship:
relationship with woman
relationship with myself
relationship with nature
relationship with government,system
relationship with my boss
relationship with destonians
relationship with my mind
relationship with my body
relationship with fear
relationship with the physical
relationship with my past
relationship with my family
relationship with my possessions
relationship with my musical instruments
relationship with money
relationship with camera
relationship with filming
relationship with filmmakers


real:
real is what remains
real is what is physical
real is atoms
real is my self what I've never seen
real is hereness
real is what lasts
real is what can not be denied
real fear is not consistent
real here is life
real relationship is self here


So by these I can start decompose my mind and realize with common sense why and within what starting point I disregard myself as breath here.
The next word is: here.

The here as mind - relative here-ness - versus the here as physical location as absolute here-ness as polarity system within what I move, shift, jump, refracted, segregated based on thoughts, feelings and emotions.


Unification is already here, discipline is here within the starting point of real physical relationship with everything as myself always here - the Gurdjieff Desteni Portal sentence is very simple yet unthinkable how powerful:

I am already a unified man - and within that - it is already here what is what must be stopped, removed from the very core of my being


So I stop here today - where

I commit myself to investigate, write and correct myself within wherein I am not directing myself as life within relationships within me as words and where I allow definitions connected to fear to direct me based on knowledge and information about losing and being not real or the paranoia of 'not having enough time'.

Reached here the point as word as 'paranoia' which will be a topic for a while - so perspective on paranoia and thinking:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... eason.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... eason.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... -mind.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... anoia.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-399-taste-bud-paranoia.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-400-paranoia-of-intent.html
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-401-thinking-is-for-losers.html

[JTL 39] Thinking-Breathing decomposition

The spirituality of a Snail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from always breathing here because then I might not be able to focus on reality around me the way I've defined as required in order to survive and be accepted and stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss a breath within the perception that then I might become too slowed down to participate within reality as I've defined required - as mind instead of exploring no mind by one breath at a time even when in the beginning I might really slow down physically while transforming my expression into and as physical directly as breath as substance as flesh as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/think/believe that if I push my breath like a machine and doing nothing else then I am breathing within awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to breath naturally in any moments because of the inner movements within occupy my attention so much that I do not realize that I influence my breath and hold my breath and slice my one breath at a time for parts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself witihin my mind so much that I do miss the breath here where I am real within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I miss a breath being aware of then there is a problem - and the problem is that I've defined fear more important than the breath of life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind thoughts, feelings and emotions in order to cover my responsibility of missing to be aware of that my body here is breathing meanwhile I follow impulses coming up from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think./define myself/believe that if I have to do something what is not defined as 'easy'/'natural' but 'difficult'/'hard'/'intense' then holding my breath is helping and assisting to overcome the defined 'difficulty'/'hardship'/'intensity' without questioning myself for why defining so automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate moments within self-honesty what always and automatically react with holding my breath meanwhile giving into the same temptation of inner judgments as thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing moments without thoughts/feelings/emotions - all moments regardless of any circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments as boring/insignificant wherein I make myself occupied with thoughts because defining the moment as 'I can do it without focusing to it with inner silence', such as dishwashing, toilet, cleaning, walking on street, taking a shower, doing physical work.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ever investigate and understand the dynamics within myself regarding to thinking within moments what I always do regularly meanwhile accepting and allowing myself to think and not be present in each moment of each breath I take.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually PREVENT myself to going into the same thinking patterns what indicate my relationship towards subjects of my thinking patterns as inferior as accepting and allowing the same thoughts repeated without self-direction/self-commitment/self-honesty to understand and stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop automatically upcoming excuses and justifications within myself regarding to why I can accept myself thinking while doing certain things as defined these as insignificant/not important/difficult/avoidable etc without self-honesty and practical understanding.

I commit myself to investigate all moments I am living within self-honesty about how and why I act I do, how and why I think I do, how and why I feel and become aware of the self-accepted automatism and when it is based on self-dishonesty as self-definition, I walk the practical application to stop it, to prevent myself going into the same pattern over and over and over again and remain here physically breathing, constant, consistent within dare myself to explore and express absolute self-honesty in each moment without any judgments towards the moments.

When and as I experience I define a moment as insignificant and start thinking - I realize I am within self-judgment and the judgment is not real therefore the decision what I've automatized that I should think is of self-dishonesty - so I stop thinking and I am re-aligning myself to be here as breath with no separation, no definition.

When and as I notice a pattern I do repeated within thinking according to circumstances - I investigate, I write the pattern down and forgive myself unconditionally and make sure that I am becoming aware of it and the starting point and give myself the gift of stopping it and remain here, naturally breathing as equal as one my human physical body.

When and as I start thinking - I stop the thoughts and see what I do not understand, what I fear from, what is my worry, what I do not want to face directly without energetic reactions of self-judgments with connotations to form my perceptions because as things are I do not want to experience.

dont think

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define that my thinking is because of tiredness - instead of realizing that my thinking is not directly related with tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I do not express - instead of realizing - when I do not express - I think.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and manifesting self judgment and thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to thinking.

Self forgiveness: thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thoughts I can understand how things are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I think, I can figure out what is happening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am thinking, I can actually solve the situation only by jumping from thought to thought - believing that there is a 'final thought' what could be the solution.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by thinking I can not escape from what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am thinking, actually I am helping myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking, and 'using' this participation when I do not want to face with and as myself as all as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking I can protect myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, to think that I have to protect myself - instead of realising that a definition system as personality what I want to protect to not have to face with the fact that is of delusion as dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention with thinking from what is actually here as breath as body as physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my thoughts to blindly follow to do what are saying - instead of realising that is of dishonesty, of separation of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to think instead of breath here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking is helpful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking is a possible way to defend and express myself when I am incapable of doing this phisically, especially in a situation when confrontating with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I confront with a person that I am confronting with this being personally, instead of realizing that I am confrontating myself with my own mind-definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I as mind see only what I defined - that's why I wanted to define everything and that's why I see only my definitions only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my definitions.