Saturday, May 10, 2008

Reactions - location

if someone enters to my presence and says things to me :I do not care to 'say' something what is my 'opinion about truth, until I do not see the inner movement - what can be as fuzzy rule indicated (fearbased definitiondriven) reaction or just something bzzzz that I HAVE TO EXPRESS as MOMENT HERE..
and I have only this one moment to just act or speak -
and if I miss - Something could happen by the frustration(even the smallest, what arised by "I didnt dared myself to express me in and as moment as me") that I want to define it in the 'next moment' to 'force it to be expressed' via my definitions - and if I do - I fall - and I do and I am not here --
And basically in this moment I see that "shit, it happened" - what is also cool to not become the tailbiting snake self-eater judgement - but to remember that I have issue to forgive because I see - I choosed deception...

also can occur - that I get to face things - even can be people's belief about 'reality', 'truth' --

if I am silence, that I remain silence - if I see the fraction of fuzzy -"reaction by my pre-judged defined limited 'worldview'(even it is about oneness and equality if it is not lived: just remains as idea) then I have to be quiet - and just be here and be aware what is the moment NOW - let go that as past by simply knowing that it definetly will come back to face -to transcend- so 'better' to remember to write out 'later' - forgive, embrace etc-because inevitabely all of a sudden I will face with this situation again, BUT NOW it is gone, 'let that go' ... "another" moment is here, so just let's remain here in MOMENT what is HERE.
As until I am mind consciousness system - moments are different - and every moment is a transcendence point, that's why seems to be separated moment...until there is something what defines that moment as separated moment -- but in fact HERE is always NOW - so strange
system perspective - moment perspective ..ok let this go...

strange - and as I do 'this' --an example comes:::- just an 'old' buddhist friend jumped in last night - he was high after a 'sniff of speed' and we danced and transferred music files and blabla and he was asking 4 contact for acid & ganja and was interesting - he just checked on web his new pills what kind of effect he can count on -- based on other's experiences(many has just shit, poison, so people here do this for 'damage-reducing')- so when he saw the 'Mercedes triangles' on pills he became so happy about 'tomorrow partyyyy' and I was with him and I was bit innocence in the moment as 'I am me as before with him' but I do not take shit - I said when was necessary from 'hip' - "high means: down."

But actually very assisting to realize: ah storm raised, and I didnt hide so I am here, no shelter, so let's just be here and breath....this "let's" a bit sounds like splinter like but sometimes it is just like a "PING", an AHA.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react* by my definitions - not realizing that is my previous decision's burden - consequence - what is actually not me but was necessary to react like that by another previously programmed definition/behaviour - so it manifested as an event what can trigger me to 'activate' this react* I on to be able to face, realize, understand, transcend the self-dishonesty in and as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to 'pull over' the moment what is passed but I didnt expressed myself as self as moment, but I stuck, and like that I desire to "charge out" this frutration about I was not me as expression as moment as me but a mind-based reaction -- so this charge out is also definition based programmed reaction what is unnecessary, and not me, so just STOP. Understand that will come back automaticly, so let it go.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself trough other's perceptions and by this enslave me to determine and limit me.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Start to purify computer related habits

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted to believe that I need the mind to use computer.
I forgive msyelf that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to use my mind to be able to use computers.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to use my mind to be able to work on computer.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to breath here when I am using computer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use computers as a possible attention divertion - a habit to use the mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the knowledge what I gained.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became dependant on information.
in format I on

Monday, May 5, 2008

End of psyche delic

The end of psychedelic era is here:

As the end of consciousness is here - also the end of drugs is here.
The mind as the ultimate drug has been manifested within ourselves..
The acid seemed to be a key to find self, but in fact: no.
In fact the acid helps to the mind consciousness system to see itself as system.
To see itself as the self as who I am, but absolutely not.
The mind sees itself within the mind-mirror with acid-placement.
The systems had been hacked to see themselves.
The consciousness controls everything: forms everything to itself. Makes the
ones believe: they are consciousness. And by this: yes. Until a layer what
the mind covers it seems to be ok. But there is not enough self-honesty if
you still do not understand oneness and equality. Until you still not LIVE.
The rumour is: to experiment with LSD to see itself as life.
The experiment to see systems as life. But this system just the cage.
Theese systems are the manifestation of our misunderstanding from ourselves.
To be able to seen: I am this infinitely this system what now seems to be fall apart.

So Albert Hoffman died, so now he understand life as oneness and equality.
But it is unnecessary to walk around 102 years as lost within the mind.
And people should ask: Tala what's wrong, if you didnt take those acids, you
wouldnt be here. Yes but I did the same with alcohol: I consumed much, I learnt
much, but after a point it became very big divertion from self, about who I am
really. See: Alcohol, drugs are mindfuck. Mind is fucking in and as the mind.
And I am aware, what I am speaking about, the first time in this existence.
That We have been fucked. Totally.
And please dont's say Hoffman understood life, he was an old man who said all the
time the same: eat acid, and love. So then: the end of love is here - as - what people
define as love - it has to be stopped. Because what we built up as this definition
as 'love' is killing us. Everyone is wize, everyone is blessed, and everyone knows.
But everyone are accepting and allowing this murder, rape, child molestation.
Each child YOU ARE. Doesnt matter which one, doesnt matter what happens with them:
you are. You are this murder, rape, starvation. Because you accept and allow.
ALLOW ALLOW ALLOW ALLOW.
This is not allowed anymore. No. Unacceptable.
And I made the statement, no matter what, I stand up as oneness as equality as life.
I do not accept anything less than who I really am.
And I am not this mind consciousness system, so I just stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this. Breath. Moment. That is me as self.

And dont judge me, instead of realize: you are judging yourself.
Thank you very much.

The design of ACID
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXh_rgd2hLc

Drugs and Mind equals Codes and Robots
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtGnlNgWV1E

Terence Mckenna 3/1 --DRUGS - The Kingdom of Heaven Part 3/1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34SLXcJ_5oo

Terence Mckenna 3/2 --DRUGS - The Kingdom of Heaven Part 3/2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_iwOttetN4

Higher Consciousness and The Soul
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebH2bd5-_JA
Love and Light
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ounehbL-jRg

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Self practial stand wake moment

Self is means that I have to stand up because if I dont stand up - noone will for me.
So I have to stand up - first of all dig down why I have theese thoughts running inside of me - how and why I allowed to became this what I am actually. And by this I discover who I am - as who I was when I decided to become this. Cool to just stand and breath and experiencing everything what I already realized that who I am - and who I am NOT. So by this I am discovering what is necessary to be done.
And this starts for me with this - what is the REAL reason why I do not allow me to be always here - to be just moment who I am really - the moment as I breath and express me in and as oneness and equality.
So practicality. Practically what it means to stand up in and as oneness and equality? To be here.
To not needing concerning about future, past, any place, any body, just being me as here as moment as breath. So the things what are moving in me are theese fractions what I separated from me but in truth are also me. But I just did this for not needing to face with and as myself as the presence of me in all moment.
For example the relationship what I formed with people. As to see how I am changing in order to specific -- or specific kind of people. And in this case what are and how I formed theese 'kind' definitions.
Because those relations are my limits, what i definied to not needing to face with myself - but now I see who and what I am and I always knew that one day I have to face all what I have done -- this seemed very mystic to me as how could I remember everything what I have done -- everything ...well the fact is until I do not see in self-honesty and forgive myself that -- until it is here -- or it is in a timeloop - so will come back to face. Everything. No exception. So that is strange but it is here.
So this relationship with people. And relationship with my things - computer, clothes, imstruments, everything.
I am not sure that I have to write down all kind of breathing spiritual practises to see what are influencing me -- but first of all I am definetaly seeing how I abused my breath as my body to not breathing properly to limit myself on this way. Strange.
So practicality - I need money. Many money. Because I still have this lend, around 3000euros, what is getting demanded back by my friend. Anyway I offered him to be one and equal with me as process as self-realization about we are not this mind-consciousness system, and we have to pull this line what is no more and what we are really because we are absolutely responsible for all - but he just said he does not believe desteni, because reading those articles brought him into 'bad mood' - so he decided to state out: it is a lie. So he just stopped visiting me - also as I stopped to smoke, one less common interest - but as he needs money, he had to come to the first portion - and I told him about I am not changing in this starting point until this process is not done as all as equal in one. So it is. So this money business what is my responsibility. And I start here. No matter where I start to purify myself - always here.
I am earning some money, but not really remains as I pay the place and give him 400euros/month. So that's why I am on like somehow I would like to make more money.

But why to hurry? Because I am sensing that everything is falling apart. And apparently nice sky, green trees outside, but this is the last time when this society 'works'.
I also was why I want to give him back the money? Because he gave it to me as trusting in me. But now he stopped to trust me, as I also stopped to him. Ok I trust, but not as he states out: desteni is just blabla. No. I can not trust in him in 100%, because I see his fears. I see how his fear is controlling his life. Step by step. Every step I can feel how and why people do in general. Strange. Beacuse I was like that. And some pictures are different. But in deep all are same. And I already stopped wondering who am I who can state things out like that, but now it is ok, as I am understanding who and what I am and how and why I became this what I am actually now.
And this power stuff, is getting near, as I am getting really stable among of people. Beacuse I already realized that theese are scared beings, no matter what, they are me.
So the practical way is to not define just breath and act, self-forgiveness and open myself in and as intimacy.
And what I write more is about sleep and thoughts.
Sleep and thoughts. As I am going to sleep, I have thoughts, but that was really deep problem for me how to go to sleep with theese thoughts, so I always 'thought myself into sleep' - so I was thinking until I became so tired as just fell asleep. That was the usual method. And by ganja or hasish was different as I smoked and smoked and smoked and after that I just fell asleep - but same happened just I was not aware of it...
And now it is getting less and less 'problem' as I see that I just breath and lieing and breath and self-forgiveness and i go to sleep and that's it.
And that is strange as I lost myself as I fall asleep, but will change soon.
And what is more interesting that I started to form this habit to oversleep - as I am waking up halfly and starting to thinking - but I am sleeping, but in my dream theese thoughts are bombarding and starting to change/form the experience - and suddenly I am awake - and this sometimes is not so sudden, like I am aware all of my thoughts, but separatedly, like I see from down or up, as theese are going and going and going, and suddenly I decide --as i realize what is happening -- IT IS ENOUGH, and I just stand up about OK, Now i am awaken, so stop.
And as I walk, I experience this thoughts are still going and I have to stop really about STOP, SILENCE, BREATH to break this - and as theese are here like that -- influencing so much, even the all day, and this is what I have to sort out very soon -- my phone is wrecked, so no alarm possibility - but I will buy a new cellphone, what I will use to control this by letting me to sleep around 4-5 hours maximum. Because it is cool that I do not need clock to wake up, but because I wake up around 5-6 and I go to work around 8.30. So i formed a bit this lazyness about no need to focus on this - but obviously yes.
Because the key is wake up in the morning as breath as me as moment as me - no thoughts, no thing.
Maybe I am not trust me as moment so much as I am using theese thoughts to believing that with them boosting me - as the inprinted fear as dishonesty is here. Deception.
I deceived myself and now I am facing and I am stopping. To be able to return the innocence.
Because it is near. It is actually here. Just have to realize by releasing all what is not me - - but to be able to release first have to realize what is what needs to release and how and why I formed this - and by this I see that I am not this, and I see what is my nature what made me to do it-- to embrace to be able to stand as the unification of me as breath as moment.

Definitions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define breath here is an easyness - not realizing that as I am defining - I am manifesting a polarity equation by word.
Not necessary.
As I am defining - I am not silence - as I am grabbing this in and as mind - I am not here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that all intent are causing an energetic movement what just simply separation.

I just started to listening music Kindzadza and in the track a guy says:
"If you change the rules on what controls you - you change the rules on what you can control..."

This rule is strange - as I did not wanted to take over the whole existence - strange but because my starting point was mind consciousness system - but as I am life as all as one as equal - I am all - so I am responsible for everything as I am infinite moment. And it is strange to write this but this in fact what is here. Always is here. But I am not always here, I choosed to not being here, to not see what is necessary to be done. And now the inevitability is here. No more stuff.
This breath I am. And this. And this. I am breath.
Breath as expression.
So breath is my key. Key of life. Life of key.
I breath always. But I am not aware of it. And if yes - everything starting to compressing to here. That is what I am. The com press I on who am I as the infinite expression of life: everything what i was, I am, I could be: I bring everything here. Here. Now. Now. No more future. No need. The future could mean, I am me here, so I am desiring something in the forthcoming, aiming, planning, imagining - what I just can not reach now, what I am not now. This is just nonsense.
What I am here - that is the future. No more. How I am expressing myself now - that is my future - no more timeloop. The timeloop means I am still fearing to be totally here - that mean that I am trying to project myself to the future - like with a spotlight I light there to see where I am going, because from this point that would be cool...Because I am not seeing here now...

This breath: when I am realizing that I am not breathing - but I am in and as this mind and breath seems to be like ' backyards' the breath just happening but nothing new, nothing moment occurs - I am in my past or I am playing the past-based future projection - project I on.
And when I realize that I am not silence - emptyness as nothing needs to be grabbed as definition - de finit I on - and than I breath - like that is a choice when I am choosing to give away those stuffs - and this self-forgiveness is very assisting to help me 'mark' and 'release' theese bondages by understanding - why I am not here? Because if I just do this 'breath' without understanding, without transcending, embracing, forgiving - sure it will come back...I know this already, I see, I experience...
So I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to use self-forgiveness unconditionally when I am realizing that I choosed my-deception about not being here...
And from a perspective that is ok -- okay like I had to face, I have to experience this 'mind-movement' to see to transcend - because it is within me - and when I am not transcending in and as moment as me - then I am just simply stupid - because I am making timeloop - I am making frustration, comphounding unnecessary shit -- what is just not necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to straight go back into the mind deeply as I am totally not here -- like absolute different experience I get -- simply because of a thought or some kind of determined system -- actually just happened with this music Kindzadza...
And this is dishonesty - as the first movement is like ok 'looks like a cool imagination' as this moment I got this ' this track what I am listening, called 'superstrings' -would be a cool video audio for showing up the 'phisical' world's signal's nature, about how things are built from the very basic' - but after this just some associat I on occurs, and I am hovering in the mind - and just not here - and strange, because I still hear the music, still can sit but the silence of me is just fall apart and --yawn:I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to not hear, not being aware what I was on just before the yawn, what I wanted to shut down...
So this is very strange stuff and I formed up, I remember, especially when I was around highschool I did a big 'advantage' in this. As I have big talent to this imagining - because I was totally lost and powerless in my reality and I wanted to find freedom and free self-expression, what I just couldnt - so I did 'my best': used my mind to imagine worlds, events, experiences - I became master of imagination - as I've became the absolute slave of it.
And after all some years ago I had to realize - what I am imagining in my mind - that just does not wants to happen in my reality - as I was satisfied with inside - magic, power, sexuality, freedom - I just did as within pictures in my head...
So when I took first acid around 21 years old I was - I decided to stop imagination as I did before - because I realized that is just not so real and if I can do more real, why not?
Like this intention to be real, to do real, THE REAL.
And when I took this psychedelics - -very cool to not forget why I am writing this, about breath here - what else lol-- I realized this 'real' word is just seems to be quite abstract. Until a point when I am interacting face to face - then seemed to be like everything is predetermined, as my inner setting and the outer set had determined what kind of could happen + some random = was my experiences...
After I start to write about a half hour - everything is getting so close, as I would like just write for a month all the time -- as I am experiencing everything I want to write out, and sometimes I even loosing the thread and I just let myself write out, but like this sometimes I just not go until the 'root'/the deep core what I about wanted to write to see one and equal as me.
But maybe that is ok. But also now a tendency came out, as I am doing something, and I was like:
--in the past I did not do much things, like 'writing music', or 'writing forum' and I had the tendency like listening again and again - as I wanted to see me in my 'creation' and the ego as the echo of the mind always interfered - so at the same time I formed the habbit as - I just do something and go forth in the same moment, even sometimes not remembering - and now I just realized when I am not remembering what I have done -- that is probably not me..
Soo...
I write write write write writing as me as the laptop as the screen as the letters as the letters as the word as me as one and equal no separation. I forgive myself all separation. All separation is within me what is necessary to forgive unconditionally.


So this imagination is frequently comes up as I am not here and this just starts and I still cant cut it in and as the moment when arises - and pulls me into this tube for some moments...

And what I realized, when I am realizing that I am 'deeply in the mind-maze' I forcing my body to breath, like intense breathes I take and breath out and what now I also see that I use this as a joy as 'returning back to be breath for some moments' - but until I defined it as joy - and as this joy-energetic stuff occures I can return to the mind, like the dolphin under the sea, but sometimes comes up for breath...
And this is a polarity manifestation of separation of mind probably by defining moments as situations what are 'less' than others so this could bulild up as burning into my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think/form/believe that some moments are more than others - not realizing that I am the moment, all moments I am infinitely - and even one moment I am not me as breath as moment -- I fall into mind, I fall into self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments as divine - not realizing that is polarity so has to exists then the opposite - and by this the tendency of being aware of moments is ordering by the definitions of priority of 'awareness' what is just simply self-deception.

I watch this Noein series - very assisting, and very funny because the girl for me looks like a bit like my ex-wife what is very funny --and brings up some what is necessary to forgive.

I forgive myself that I did not used common sense in the past when I was in relationship with her, and even when she dared me to do this - I just couldnt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that she is my own precious.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the emotional dishonesties in order to not being absolute self-honest with her, just because of the fears in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing her.

So I lost her - totally and I was like that is cool, and I was totally fool, like the all of the civilized humanity - I did the same circles, I operated just same as the other as I let myself to be programmed as the system wanted to grown this society and I was in and as this society of the manifested fear of loosing. I was so fearful when I felt like loosing her - because of her beauty went into my mind. Because her body was beautiful and I was like that is the pointer who I am how I am and what I am about how beautiful and clever and etc girl I was in relationship.
All was my imagination. And I did it so much, so It just manifested. And I just had to realize that all my desires are nothing. Are just divertion from the fact: I am fearful, and I was like, oke because I was fearing loosing her, you know this BBBIG love what changes the world, and the fact is that : this fear was already inside me, I was already fearful, just the object of it changed - like floating woodpieces remained from a sunk ship and I was jumping from one to one as I started to 'stop' on a floating definition inside me - it just started to sink, and after a while I had to jump to another.
I was this jumper - and the enlightenment was a big jump, like ok seems to be that jump is what could be the final jump and after I do not have to jump..but that also sunk.
And I have to realize that I who is me this I

I

is always here - it is the fact what made me to stop for a moment as ok then this means this I -
I have to see this I - me. Me me memememememento.
And as I wanted to see myself - I saw strange: I am dead.
And I was like ok, probably because this is the normal, but no..this is insane.
Time to wake up. The dead has to be birth life from this body - as breath of life as the infinite expression who I am as this " I " - what is one and equal with and as all.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Starting point

Very assisting to speak with somebody who can have common sense about some topics, for example death and sexuality, but I have to realize all people has some kind of polarity opposite what 'helps' handle this...for example she who was a guest at my place for some time she said this love and universal energy is the life and that was the only one what we did not agreed, but she said: ok I do not agree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being me when I have a guest who is a girl.
But very cool to see all this programs what could start - and of course started before when I was around this sexual desire, as I have to find somebody outside from me to get joy, to get this hunger to be feeded...But now I just did not let myself to separate from me and when we just spoke about this kind of things, I felt like a bit as the words was sounded myself I started to react as sexual arousing, and very interesting to see that is not really me but just the inprinted program to react to this words - like the kids I say 'ghost' and the kids are like whhooooo.
Not different...
I was always around this sexual desire and many times I just did not wanted sex - because I did sex as meditation - or I did sex as drugs - and I did form this kind of diversion about sex is less than 'experiencing the nature of mind' and things like that - but all is really the same.
Just the pictures are different.
This pictures are very strange things...As I started to use this After Effects video studio program, I see how easily can be made from 2D pictures to 3D - just as the animation is going -the perception from the camera shows me as it is moving, it is changing, it is in 3D - but not. Just the computer renders it as the effects and the parameters are moving and trough time the changing appears. And very strange to see how much I was occupied with some effects by some drugs and I was like probably that is the nature of the mind - and the nature of the mind is simply just picturebased information system what is a part of a consciousness what is became symbiotic with the 'self' who we are really...
Strange this fear - of being busted about all what people are is just pictures - mind-definitioned picures what are we using to show, using to hide, using to become until that we just forget that we are not this. Very strange to see this, and even that would not be easy to describe this process as what I see or experience inside me as how I became obsessed this pictures...
And how I lost in the experience of hiding in this reality to trying not even remember that I am responsible. I am who let myself being programmable, I let myself to be programmed.
Expression...
About fear of not being able to express myself - that the limits - what are actually my own accepted nature - what are makes this sense of not having enough time, not having enough power, not having enough ability, capability to express who I am...and if I cant express myself than maybe that would mean that I am not this...And this fear just enormously comphounded.
And the strange part is I still do not remember much - what makes me just like 2 pointed - makes me easier to focus here what is happening now...but from other side I still do not remember those points when I let myself influenced and just I realize - shit I was not here - and as I am realizing that ' shit I was not here' --also this is like I am not here, but it is a bit like starting to realize -- and I just breath and breath and breath and breath and after becoming something easy and strange but same time is like - everything is here - and as I am starting to experience this 'everything is here'-ness I am facing with and as who I am, the totality of myself in and as oneness and equality -- and this is the point where I am facing with the fact that I have some ' unforgiven programmed behaviour what is not me' what as it comes forth - I just let myself to influenced - like it manifests as program of personality of mind-consciousness system movement - - because I am facing to see that I am still 'doing' this what is not really me but necessary just stop...

Strange...as everything is here - I am becoming the experience what I havent embraced --more likely I go into that mind-definition tube-maze to experience --and 'sometimes' takes a while when I realize 'shit tala what is going on' - and this is the point when I realize the starting point is me as self-honesty as returning always to the fact that I am here, and I am breath, and when I miss a breath of me of my body of life - I am not here as everything who I am as oneness and equality...
When I woke up in the morning as breath of me as me as moment as me - it was like for some moments I was breath totally and I saw pictures and this is what is not explainable - but as I saw this pictures some it became so intensely close as I wanted to investigate what are theese pictures what I contain - and as I moved - I lost myself in theese pictures...strange...
It was like when I am browsing around the hard-drive and clicking to every file to see what is that, and what could happen if I start this .exe and I have no idea about what is that file, because I do not remember what is that, but as I start - it starts, and starts to run...and until I am not in that program and seeing that is that and hmm it is not me but I click to exit (or if it stuck, I have to kill that process literally) and then I realize shit, I ran this program...
That happened when I woke as breath and I became fearful - as my starting point I lost, I forget, because the fear program started to run, and I moved in this picture reality and as I moved I lost for a moment, and I was like ok breath - knowledge what I gained but instead of being the 'just do it' I just forced to do - and I opened the window to breath 'more, deep, fresh' air but in fact that was not the cause of loosing myself and mind starting to operate and you know, this reality starting to be very 'solid'---and from the window I saw a car just stopping and I was like 'ok agents are coming, they registered that I am waking up, and now facing with this matrix story'....
Strange!!! The deepest fear -- just came, and played with me to show my nature --
And the car just slowly came and turned around under the house and stopped for a moment under my window, and after went by and stopped bit more far and I was like 'WTF' - and of course nothing happened, and as I became 'conscious' I realized that 'tala that is irrational fear, stop' but I just couldnt...
And of course many people can say 'I am too much doing this and going insane shit' but in fact I have to wake up, as no one else will do it for me...so I share that if you wake up as breath as moment you are you and facing with and you as who you really are so nothing is strange...
So...I watched the car until I saw someone came from the house and went into the car and when I saw it was gone then I was like : "Ok. You see: FEAR."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to hold my breath when I am trying to not making noises - not realizing that breathing as naturally is not making noizes.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be starting point of me who I am as breath as moment as oneness and equality as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my breath.

And recently I started to see as moments by moments I am doing this breath and nothing else as I am becoming comfortable with myself - the presence of me - but when not - that is the realization of me as comphounding everything what is not here to being able to see here - to embrace...
As now I have bit like tiredness and anxiousness what is coming from I am impatiently want to express myself - as I want to make theese videos done but still I am facing with the technical fact- instead of just silently taking into particles and do by half minute- ok half minute and collecting the parts and putting together in other program - because my computer is oooold.
But that is not the reason why I miss the breath - just the effect...
And yesterday for a moment I was like well, it is chill - and I was like ok this is the silence before the storm - and after this girl came and showed up some shit inside me and I watched some hours of video making tutorials and I was like hmm strange..
And even now I am facing this fact that I am not comfortable a bit in my body...
Water breath and I lie down for a moment to relax and continue to do my videos what I do and not miss the breath of who I am -- as no need to thing, no need to concern...just do it without time without any idea - as I am here and I am the expression of life as me...

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed not breath as me as here who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of not being good enough in video making.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I am inferior and needs years to use this program properly - as I already know that is bullshit, just have to sit down and do it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to loosing my innocence of child.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowd myself to forget that I am breath as life as here.
And the starting point is oneness and equality and that is very 'good' to always return to this - and not makes me to 'waste' or 'fly away' for hours because I realize that I am this, and now stop everything what diverts me from being just 'easy breath here'.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from shops.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from nature.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed separation.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to move to remain in and as silence.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be aware of my own self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from my own fear.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that anger is just diverted fear.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that all what I was fearful about - all is me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to accept myself who I am as oneness and equality as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to separate myself from words.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express me as who I am as life as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I have to break trough the habit of using mind conscionsess system by remain silent as breath as the sipmlicity as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from my own fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself who I am - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to express myself and because of this becoming frustrated, embarrassed, angry.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being able to bear myself as actually fearing not being able to expressing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself by fearing to not being able to express myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not breathing properly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use fear as an energy to being able to supress myself who I am to not needing to face myself who I am or who I became.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I fear from the presence of myself of oneness and equality as moment as life.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Tű fokán

ez egy lol

tehát az tény, hogy ezt most elhanyagoltam, és az angol blogba írtam főleg, de végülis nekem mind egy.

Realizáltam, hogy nem kell több szart eltűrjek, én én vagyok, más meg más. Még ha tisztában is vagyok azzal, hogy az egység és egyenlőség mindenütt mindenben mindenre és mindenkire mindig mindenhol igaz is, pont azzal támogatom magam - és másokat is mint magam, hogy nem vagyok hajlandó egy cseppel se kevesebbet elfogadni, mint aki valójában vagyok.
Egy és egyenlő mindennel, mint élet, mint önmagam a pillanat, mint saját magam a légzés.

Ezért nem kertelek(nem kell saját elme-állat-kert), egyenes őszinte és közvetlenség vagyok.
És nem félek ezt, mint magam kinyilvánítani bárkinek. És ezt ki is fejtettem a vlogomon, igaz azt is angolul, de hamarosan gyártok pár magyar videót, mert az is sokat támogatna, meg engem is meg anyám is, meg akárkit, akit éppen.

Egyértelműen látható, hogy mire megy ki ez az egész, és hogy milyen egyszerű is az élet, és mily módon belebonyolódott mindenki a részletekbe, és el is felejtette, hogy honnan is jött, meg mi is van valójában...de nem igazán, csak úgy látszólagosan, hogy ne kelljen felelősséget vállalni.
És a sok barátom, senki se látja, csak az az érdekes, hogy miként és mikor és miért definiáltam barátokat. Speciálisan egytől egyig, melyiket mikor hogyan miért...
Definíciók az elmében az elméből.
Ez az öntudatra ébredt tudat szó szerint egy program, ez szó szerint átvette az irányítást minden és mindenki felett, és ez már őrület. Ha tudnák az úgynevezett barátaim, mennyire súlyos is ez, megkattannának , ezért inkább nem is realizálják - mert az a megkattanás annyit jelentene, hogy minden amit most úgy definiáltak, mint önmaguk - egy pillanat alatt elveszne..
Mint a film Bourne. Jason Bourne elfelejtette ki is valójában, és 3 igazán kemény küzdelmes film során tudja meg, mint főszereplő, hogy ki is, és az nem egy választás, inkább egy önmaga által elhelyezett labirintus, melyből ugyanúgy kimászik, ahogy belemászott, és ugyanúgy visszaemlékezik ahogy sorba elfelejtette.
Ez ugyanígy van velem is. Sorra tárom fel a lezárt kapukat, mert többé nincs titok, és többé nincs mit vesztenem, vagy ha van, hát tágra nyitom magam, vesszen - ami elmegy, az nem is én vagyok... Hogy képes legyek hagyni az életet, mint a fizikai testem, mint a lélegzetem élni, pillanatról pillanatra, és nem hagyni, hogy részt vegyek ebben a tudat-rendszerben, amire az elmével csatlakozok, a kis bezárt irányítószobámban...és csak hagyni hogy lélegezzen a testem, mint én, nem hagyni elválasztani magam ezzel az elme-tudat rendszerrel, hanem csak itt lenni, mindig itt, feltétel nélkül itt, mindig saját magam lenni, mindig képes lenni elviselni önmagam, örökre, amilyen vagyok, mert ez a pillanat és ez az ami csak itt és most realizálható.
Itt és most, és sokmindenki beszél erről, de senki sem éli minden pillanatban.
És ez lehetséges, nem egyszerű, de tényleg csak egy elhatározás, egy végtelen mértékű kijelentés, (statement) az egész, és utána nem elbukni, nem elesni, nem visszazuhanni, nem visszabújni az elmébe, hogy ne kelljen itt és most lenni(vágyódni, múltazni, jövőzni, tervezni, GOND olkodni) mert ÉN, mint MAGAM mindig itt vagyok -- de ha az elmémmel a tudatban mászkálok, az sosincs itt...az csak illúzió, az csak a félelem miatt van.
És sorba jönnek nekem itt az úgynevezett barátok, akik beszélnek itt a szabadságról meg rendszerről, de senki sem kezdi legbelül, ott ahonnan ered, inkább bújnak, futnak, hibáztatnak és terelnek.
És ezért is én kénytelen vagyok meghúzni a vonalat, hogy ez itt a tű foka.
Aki egység és egyenlőség mint légzés mint élet és ezt bizonyítja is magának és látható is, az az akiben bízhatok, feltétel nélkül, mint én, mint egyenlően és egyként - - a többi még nincs ITT.
Mert ez itt és most van. És ez nem leválogatás, ez nem nácizmus, ez nem elkülönítés, ez az, ahogy az egységesítés működik. Gyakorlatilag csak így tud működni itt és most, abban amiben vagyunk.
Tehát így van.
Tehát akinek a kiindulópontja egység és egyenlőség az én vagyok, a többi pedig most éppen nem én. De kurvára nem. Tekintve hogy éppen hogy viselkednek, miért viselkednek így és különösképp minek tartják magukat, aminek én magamat többé nem.
És ez látszólag ugyanúgy elkülönülésnek tűnik, hogy én elkülönülök tőlük, meg a tudattól, pedig ez csak tűnik - ahogy bocsátom meg magamnak, ahogy fejtem visszafele, ahogy nyitom ki magam, ahogy válok egyre intimebbé saját magammal, és ahogy egyre jobban megértem magam, mit miért tettem, választottam, hogy haladtam meg - - úgy egyesül minden bennem, minden egyként egyenlően -- még a tudat is, még az elme-tudat rendszerré vált emberek is --
és ezzel magam is támogatom, és őket is, mert megmutatom nekik, kik is ők most éppen,
és, hogy ki vagyok valójában, akik ők is, csak továbbra sem választják a felismerést, az ön-őszinteséget, ön-megbocsátást.
És ez addig megy, amíg minden lény itt nem realizálja, hogy egység és egyenlőség. És fogja.
És fogja, mert már egy bizonyos szempontból ez megtörtént. Ahogy mindig is megvolt, de most itt van. Ahogy a tudatban egyre kevesebben vesznek részt, ahogy egyre több elme realizálja azt, hogy le kell álni feltétel nélkül - úgy az egész leáll.
Mert halálkor mindenki realizálja. És az a legkésőbbi pont, addig lehet húzni a játszmát, nem tovább. Mert akkor a halál mint a tudat egyként leáll mozogni. A félelem a haláltól elkerülhetetlenül manifesztálódik - és az elme-tudat rendszer semmi más mint ez a félelem a haláltól, ami amint bekövetkezik, elmúlik.
És ez elkerülhetetlen, csak nézzük..megszületéskor már egyértelmű, hogy meghalunk, hogy elveszítjük az elmét, a tudatot, akkor miért ne állítsuk le saját magunk itt és most, ezzel szimbolizálván kik is vagyunk valójában az örökkévaló életként, mint egy és egyenlő mindennel.

Én az életet választom, ami az elme-tudat halálával kezdődik. Pontosabban a meghaladásával, az pedig a megértésével, az pedig az őszinteséggel, az pedig az önmegbocsátással, az pedig a döntéssel, arról, hogy ki is vagyok valójában. Minden pillanatban. Itt vagyok és akkor én vagyok, tényleg, aki vagyok tényleg, mindig, végtelenül, minden mindig, feltétel nélkül - vagy egy feltételes program vagyok, aminek van kezdete és van vége...
Tehát teljesen felesleges ezen kattogni.
Ha elkezdted, fejezd is be. Mindent...legyen az bármi, definiáld azt bárminek.
De az biztos, hogy a rendszer nem élet, a rendszer csak egy program, és a programok törölhetőek. Halál után ráadásul a sok adat, ami nem élet el is veszik, mert igazából, az örökkévaló élet szempontjából nem számít - tehát felesleges ragaszkodni ezekhez a definíciókhoz.
Tekintve hogy mindent a félelem szült, ez az egész elkülönülés is azért burjánzott el ennyire, mert csak gyűlt gyűlt a szénaboglya, amíg fel nem gyúlt és most ég.
Minden ebben a világban kép természetű, mint a .jpg vagy a .gif.
És ezzel azonosultunk. Ezek után vágyunk, ezektől félünk, ezek vagyunk. Látszólag.
De ez még semmi, csak őszintétlenség. Minden képnek ugyanaz a természete.
Lehetséges mögé és belelátni minden képbe, oly egyszerűen, mint a légzés - csak ki kell kapcsolni az elmét - semmi gondolat, semmi érzés, semmi érzelem, semmi belső reakció - - és feltárul minden...Egy lenni mindennel és egyenlő... Ez az élet és ez az, ami vagyok.

Sister scripter

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to thing more special than my sister Kata.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my sister less than myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to abuse my sister trough words and phisical pain.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to exert my anger torwalds to my syster.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my anger and anxiousness and my sister was the one who I definied as human target because she had no power of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program my sister to being less than me.
I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being absolute honest with my sister as the moment of myself as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to escape from my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not taking responsibliity for my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to behave with my sister as who knows everything.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cause pain to my sister trough saying her that she is ugly and fat.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my sister.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I separated me as my sister from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let my sister alone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt about let her loss in the system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not assist my sister unconditionally as me as one and equal when she asks or she requires to meet.
I forgive myself that I never allowed to love her unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the ego of the mind and forgeting that fact that when she was born I loved her so much and hugged and kissed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be jealous to my sister about the attention from parents to her from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become this attention needer little energy vampire.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myselt to forget myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not allowing myself to breath as life as me as my body as one and equal as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the responsible of my sister's misery.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting to carry other's burden what is not really me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive myself what I have done.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to let other to forgive themselves.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to let other to forgive me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become this mind consciousness system.

She just called some days ago and will visit me if her plan does not changes, but actually just wants to jump up to me to speak with me and as I am aware about this, she could be in very big shit if she dares to do this as she always definied me as a strange boy who always thinking about death and strange things. But that is also my definition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my sister actually is thinking about me as who is always thinking about death.
Death is not real. As we are already dead, so let's birth life from this phisical.
Breath here
I breath here
I breath here
I breath here
I breath out
Hold
I breath in
hold
I breath out
hold
I breath in
Hold
I breath out
that's it
that is the placement what is me and even does not matter the price what my mind definied to being able to remain this silence breath and
look this is another point as i am breathing in and hold and breath out and breath in and breath out after hold and breath in and hold and no other but still experiencing this keyboard and as I write this a slightest movement occures as definition about keyboard
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold for a sec to definie keyboard and fingers as separated entities as definier definition and definied and that is the basic trinity of separation of mind consciousness system what is not really me but at this moment I formed this habit to operate this for not wanting to be the presence of me as who I am as self-response-bility as who I am as oneness andd equality as life.
I breath in
I hold
I breath out
I hold
I breathi n
I hold
I breath out
I hold
I breathj in
I hold
I breath out
I hold
I breath In
I hold
I breath out
breath in
hold
breath out
hold
breath in breath out
no need more if yes than is an unconditional self-forgiveness to release this bound.

Where should I start? II.

STOP!

START TO STOP - to be able to realize the inevitability of STOP.

Put the question:

Am I ready right here, right now, at this moment to remain in and as infinity as who I am now?
Because there is no more than this moment. And if in and as this moment me - as my starting point, as my deepest expression is not as what I would like to be infinitely - than that means something should change in and as me - because there is no more than this moment. And the next moment is also this moment - as the moment is always one and equal with and as self as all.
So the question is what can be answered trough self-expression in and as every single moment:
Who am I infinitely?

This fear thing also another topic but related to this inifinity.
Would be ANY kind of situation what would make me fear? If yes - that would mean I still grab something...and that would mean something still binds me into this limited existence - that would mean something I havent realized yet, but it is already here, just coming to realization - to be able to face - to be able to see, understand, forgive, embrace that what I feared nothing else than myself - but even not myself, only just an 'imagined' presentation of myself what I project/reflect back to my own eyes about me and I decided to not bear it, so the separation just started and comphounded, manifested and now it is all around.

The self-forgiveness is the only thing what I can trust as me as my self-honest self-forgiveness assists me to give up everything what I am not in truth - and as I am doing - apparently I am loosing everything. Yes everything. Even the closest 'friends' who are just decided to not really walk trough this fear-wall -- remaining in and as some definitions about that's bullshit, impossible, and lie. But I have nothing to say. I am getting into this loosing all and I wont stop until I have anything what makes my mind move. I do not care about time, I do not care about space, I do not care about even the rules or the law.
This is not about this world, and yes I am life, yes I am breath but I am ALL life as one and equal, not this person who apparently I am - I am giving up this personality as I was never this really totally - just I believed, just I decided to hide, but now I am seeing, I am getting ready to let it go as understanding why and how I needed to realize who I am really as the breath as me, as the moment as me.

I start with and as the starting point about who am I and I dont go more 'forward' or 'backward'.

The stating of starting point of who am in every single moment of every single breath is here.
And I am experiencing this waving, as I am doing something, and I am just defining this starting point and forgeting about moment as me, just loosing myself in and as what I am doing - because that was the deeply predetermined, preprogrammed, pre-accepted nature of my expressions.
To move in theese behavioural patterns what I definied as myself and now influencing my breath, even supressing remaining the inner silence of my location of expression of life.

Strange to see my cycles of my life, years after years - and as I looked into people's eyes, because I couldnt do, so I did this wolf-eye, and after again I just couldnt, because I was in fear and pain, and after as I drunk alcohol, I could do again, and after all I just stopped to do because I used drugs, and the eye can expose me so I stopped to do again. And after all I realized that I like to see people's eyes - even if I am on drugz, so I did, and after all I am now transforming it as me as self-expression of moment.
As many times I had this 'problem' about facing with bypassing strangers on street, and of course, when there are hundreds, that is not a case, but for example on a long street and someone is coming. And I was dependant on 'not looking' and 'looking' and after all now just dont care - comes as comes - but as I am doing this walking expression I like to just look forward and not focusing to a point, but just seeing the whole sight as one as equal as me and just walking and breathing as one breath as my surrounding...and that is sometimes goes on for a while when I realize this is power being here and I am standing on the tram and I see all people are not here, just pictures and all are in the mind very far in past/future, and I am here and no more no less than I am within the tram with and as theese people and I do not feel anything just breathing and expressing myself as standing and being here.
And when some inner reaction comes up it is easy to do self-forgiveness - as all people are not listening, not watching. Or if some looks at me, is that really matters? Sometimes I look back into eyes, but also I do not determine about that...and in the begining was quite intense, but now I just stand and doing self-forgiveness aloud - and the whole body is resonating this i forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to always be here - and as I am saying that is the point of my self-honesty - am I this when i am saying, as am I here as this sounding as one as equal as me as the words - - or not ...and when I say something and inner reaction starts -- that should bring the inevitable intimacy of me as me as why I do not let myself to be always here?

And this big issue this computer stuff, as I am allwayz sitting front of computer, all work day, and after I am here and doing this writings, watching videos(especially the self-honesty blogz) - and many more videos about anything about nature, world or children animals etc ---

Strange this is chaotic but as I see -- if I want to sit down and 'I need to write, I could write even all day' but I dont do, just something about I would like to write but as I start all just comes out...
Like I have a big basket and all what in that just I kick it off and coming out...

I was really pissed off about some friends why they do not see the truth but now I am embracing all--- self-response-ability I let all go and I let all go what makes me concern as not being here --- as all theese are excuses what I built up on the word 'trust' to abuse my 'own' responsiblity of self-trust.
And I am very grateful about the guyz at desteni about 20-30 people who are really me as one and equal about being able to start to open all old scar(e)s, wounds to see the real cause, to heal it as self-forgiveness as self-honesty - - and I see some people are withdrawing as facing with some stuff what they dont want to open, embrace totally unconditionally - as for example there are some stuff what do not want to loose, as children, or the definition of love or etc...
And I can understand, I can see, I can accept their decision, but not participating, supporting them about what they choosed was cool..
Like some people started to do video logs on youtube and started to open and share themselves and after defining desteni as cold/unloving/fearful or anything - they just delete those videos, and showing their 'happy'/'lovely' faces and all theese shiny beauty sides are broadcasted -- as they experienced this wall what they could not walk trough easily and now just decided to give up and just justifiing self as 'they are too much'. And I can not accept this.
This is not about my own values - this is about oneness and equality as all life HERE on EARTH.
I can not care about the cost if I see the actual price what we pay for still participating, maintaining and identifying ourselves as consciousness.

And no one wants to see that this is the end. Even those who did as understood.
Noone said this is the easy part. That is getting over. But as more intense, as more comphounding as more we are facing with and as ourselves - our accepted nature.
And strange to see how much I could be occupied in theese mind-games what I used to hide behind as that is me so I do that until I can -- and now I see that is not me...
even with this attract I on torwarlds women -- there are still some who I let to occupy myself for some moments, as little cycles like some breaths, and after again 2 or three breaths and maximum in a half-one minute I can realize even with the most beautiful women that are just my definitions what I see about theese pictures...and the being is the same fearful lost programmed system as others, just the skin is more honey-like...strange...
So this sexual stuff is getting weaker and weaker and that is very assisting to see that literally everybody are occupied with this demon. And this helps me to see more them. And that helps me to see more me. And that helps me to see more them as me as one and equal.
That No woman, no cry sometimes I say and very cool to realize that seeking a woman is would be just the same as drugs, as strong medications as masturbation, as war-like computergames -- all are related to self-expression -- as my starting point was not me as life I always fell and had to embrace myself again until the point when I fell again - and I became the master of this starting to walk up to the mountain what is merely just a steepy symbol but I now can realize that I am always here the illusion of mountain makes the walk, makes the path, makes the climb and makes the fall.

I accepted and allowed some thoughts about how this would be assistable, theese loooong flowing posts about all - and maybe would be smaller but more posts...
Seems to be I am writing myself out after I write some -- so apparently need some 'wheeling up' to writing what again brings to awareness about one more of my accepted nature - this definitions about time and quantizing of taking information samples of definied system's definitions. What is merely just computerlike and if it is - it has to be very easy to stop as has to be somehow very logical, as common sense. So build up means take apart.

I had to realize that those situations, especially with those people who call me and I do not answer, or do not meet - will come back the situation will come back but more comphoundedlike, as oneness and equality with and as the situation as me as moment.
Let's see who I procrastinating about to meet: Victor the musician, Adam the musician and Tuth the musician, Kar is the psychedelic connection.
Who are I am in touch still...
-the woman who let me rent this place
-my mother and sister at country side - i asked from her some money what is necessary to give back to her(sister) --this sister will be another post totally what is necessary to be aware about
-the mexican girl who let her bags here and sometimes call me to meet and I just dont go. why - I let myself to determine her as possible sexual target and just speaking speaking -- but I can be honest with her as she is well using common sense, but as her visual presentation made me to remember my ex-girlfriend Viola, I was like -no no no -- so when she comes, I am here, I speak, but do not really participating to maintain this connection...
-one guy who sometimes came to play music together, as he is doing cool bases like hip-hop and electric bass and drums and we started to make music together but in theese times he comes rarely and will come after 2 weeks -- he left here his 2 basic synth and 2 handdrums what we use here sometimes
-the guy Bence and his girlfriend Anita who are very close to me, but eventually I do not feel this anymore as they are doing what they do and I am doing what I am doing and nothing common we have really...they sometimes call me and give some veg food and showing me some silly tv-video stuff what I even not understand why I have to see, not even why they watch;)--and she just moving to live not too far around so will see what happen.
-one guy from highschool, we sometimes meet and talk about computer stuff, and we did roleplay games before, and i stopped, he is still interested...he is who I liked so much before but now he is also very predictable, very easily understandable and this is the point what I experience with everybody around me -- all are this role-system like in a movie, or in a theater -- and they act in every moment....and sometimes it is really monstrous to see really this demon consciousness in and as theese beings who are me as one and equal... easy to see the fear, the desires, the limits of people -- and this guy also once I gave him smoke and he blew up totally and his mind just started to stopp for a moment and he became unstable fearful and scary and I used words to keep him stable(around december when I still smoked) and was no more difficult than doing my job at workplace - the question is my stability and what I want and to know the rules -- and that if I would remain this system would make me a demon also like Hitler became or Lavey but as my starting point is breath as moment as self-forgiveness as self-honesty -- as oneness and equality -- this is just also me -- I have to face this power as myself as what I am capable of and was about I was always afraid since childhood, as I knew that I should have power but I was afraid to face and become until I didnt realized the starting point of life.
Because if I wouldnt realize the starting point that power would burn me out - and I knew it and that's why I couldnt get as I even didnt wanted to realize ..was quite tricky trap...
As until I am not one and equal as beings until all assistance is merely just ego-feeding power -role game what is simply vampirism.

So what or who else?
Definetely workmates around 6-8 I am in close contact and that is interesting also but actually that is what it is.
Ah my exwife - she moved to country with the kid, and husband stayed in Budapest, and she invited me to visit them, and I would like - I was on why? And I still like to speak about what is truth, but I am getting stable about what I can give to her, especially as she is very common senseable expect some big areas what are related to her fears(of course then all, but) especially psychologic stuffz, as she finished as this kind of profession and I will show her in details how the unconscious,subconscious,conscious mind is working because she already understood and until I am here in this country I like to speak with her - even if she can focus intensely only for some minutes that are cool and very assisting to me...And of couse I like to 'play' with the 2years old kid. So why I definied her as visitable even when I have to travel some to meet -- what I obviously stopped to do for other peoples around here...hmm still brings up some stuff from past what I already quite understood but there are some 'areas' in my past what I still didnt write out and very assisting to meet to let myself open as moment...
Now I am sure that this post is well long enough to just publish.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Self purification

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed me to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed me to love myself unconditionally.
I forgive me that I have not allowed to love myself unconditionally.
That is not a choice that I love myself as me as who I am as life as oneness and equality as all as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to always love me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed to love me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed to love myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to love myself unconditionally.
That is not conditional that I accept me as who I am as the presence of me. Always.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be with and as the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize myself as who I am as the moment as me as the breath as me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me as the moment as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself. Unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize who I am as life as oneness and equality as moment as breath -- always here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am already a unified man.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to breath as the presence of me as pure life essence as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate from my words.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize the deception in and as me as manifested self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as inferior.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as superior.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to form the ego of the mind by believing that I need such as this behaviour to hide myself actually from others as myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I closed myself in the secluded room of myself just because of this fear.
I forgive myself that I acccepted and alllowwwwweed myself to believe that I am this fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to use this fear as fuel of my mind to being able to maintain my personality to hide from the truth of me as who and what I've became.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that everything in and as the moment of the now is actually me. Nothing more, nothing less.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express myself as the totality of self in and as the moment unconditionally as who I am as life as breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use sexuality to fuel the mind of hide to not needing to face self.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be as effective of self-realization as I am capable of.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to manifest some obsticles in and as me such as financial or technical limits of my self-expression.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to believe that the resources are limited.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to thing that the resources are limited.
I am the source
I am the source
I am the source
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my nature as monthly cyclic polarity equation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to point outside from me
about responsibility.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide from self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for my family.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for my country.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for earth.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take responsibility for all as me as one as equal as life.



Here again the statement: I AM LIFE AS ONE AND EQUAL AS ALL ...could come ANY temptation of the mind, I am not this mind system, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a mind consciousness system, now I stop to participate, I stop not being ALWAYS HERE as the presence of myself as WHO I AM AS MOMENT as ME.
And I am standing up until all as one as equal not realize that who we really are in and as every single moment of breath. Because I am this standing up. I am this oneness and equality. I am this birthing life. Because this is already what we are. Because this is what the unification is. Because this is what already DONE.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Posts posts posts

I just write down all what about I post...strange ..to not forget...like using the blog as memory to not using my inner conversations...
ah yes this is about forget..
I for give that I for get.
I for give myself (back) that I forget myself.
I forgive myself that I forget that I became a mind consciousness system.


Why I forget? Maybe because I am not that what I forget. And actually maybe. Like oneness and equality. If I am forget - I started to move in and as this mind consciousness system for - get back.
Separation. As it is always here. What is not here that is even not me actually.
And I for-give what I already realized - like I share, broadcast, pulse unconditionally ..giving for the world as me as one as equal - me for give to myself.
Strange...many people tried to pull me about well tala started this verbal(writing) diarrhoea, and just writing many uninteresting shit... And people wants to write some relevant, some interesting...shit I do not care... very cool to getting to be stable to not wanting to feed off other's applause..but how it could happen? easy to fall out to the other side of horse...the importance is and as starting point.
ONENESS AND EQUALITY is the starting point.

I write just like here

why people do not hear?
because people are not here
to hear - be here
if you do not hear - you are not here
where are you? where are you?
the mind is blind
and who is deaf: who does not hear death?
i am death you do not hear me, are you deaf?


There are some people who are coming this stuff about I became a pawn of desteni, I speak as them and why am I doing this, this is not necessary, I have to be me... Sometimes I just simply do not answer(youtube especially) and sometimes I do...
Strange that many has so big nose that they do not want to put that into the desteni material and just using some excuses what they identified with themselves and desteni simply states out, for instance:
-we are not soul, we are not energy, we are not consciousness - who we really are
-self forgiveness, self-honesty, self-standing, self-realization
-oneness and equality as all as life as self

well yes I am desteni if this is what am now, then I am desteni.
we have to stop. literally all what we have to do is to stop.
And desteni is about stop. And express self as pure life essence as moment of life as oneness and equality. I like this, and if some one says this is idealistic, no possible to manifest, and like not believing this portal stuff...i am sorry but I do not regret, I do not say anything...
Until one do not realize the fact the "WHO AM I" - until empty words all ..
And very interesting to see how easy to see where people cant see trough as their definitions they became - also as me -- like about anything..
For instance I can easily say that I am greatful that I prefer to not eat animals and I am very greatful that I realized why I wanted to find sexual relationship or why I wanted to use drugs, or why I wanted to be musician...All are related to fear - about self-expression, about self- experience...
And very cool to realize that we are not energy...and simply common sense...obviously energy is limited, always conditional, and if I am identifying myself with this as this - I put this definition into me as me and let it to determine me - as limited as this energy is. Has begining - and has end. Cool to see, that I can embrace the energy to simply transcend that I am not this, but now in this construct is around and as where I let myself being influenced by it - it is showing the accepted and allowed nature of myself and to walk trough my present as moment and moment and breath - this is the unification of me of realization who I am and why I am in this situation and how I stop it.
Today I rewatched Merv Griffin's interview and I am very greatful about he is here as me as one as equal - to show me who I am really and what is necessary to be done.
Another example one of my workmates is actually on his handputer reading the Mein Camph(Hitler wrote before) and interesting to be expression of me, and not using the definitions what I know about him, about his interviews, book or the chat. But be common sense and be the being as me and just say what actually I am and very cool to see what is the inner silence and what is not and how the inner movement works.