[JTL 60] Self-forgiveness: accepted limitation in learning

Expanding on the previous post:

• [JTL 59] Learning new skills, facing more self-definitions to stop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am limited by what I think or what I define or what I said as conclusion or remembered as 'choice' I've made what apparently I've decided in my past regarding to the way I am able to learn and study.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and define and remember myself as somebody who has a limit about how much words/sentences can remember and that I actually have a limit about how big amount of words I can remember for short and long term as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my limit to remembering and being able to recall sentences up to 3 based on my memory and past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define difficulty to remember words and sentences when there is no picture, no bold parts are in the text or the text does not direct similarity with my personal life's memory.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read and understand sentences only within what I understand all word's meaning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skip sentences and words what I am not aware of it's definition therefore filtering out and not even remembering it being in front of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter out in my reality as knowledge and information what I defined as I do not know, what I've limited myself about it as I do not understand by self-judgment before giving the opportunity to myself to use my natural learning ability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and anxious about when seeing, hearing, reading words what I do not understand, do not know the meaning or not being aware of the context and information what the word is presenting therefore going into inferiority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself in terms of learning ability with others and defining myself as better in some things and worst in others and not realizing that the polarity which through I am feeding the Tala Joseph character about who I am in regards to learning and study and understanding - is not real but of matrix of self-definition, self-judgment.
I forgive myself to think and go into inner reactions of my self-defined strengths when facing something what I define as my weakness such as thinking I understand everything almost always for the first time but to memorize and remember it I am bad for that and always thinking the way I am it is and this is who I am and never realizing that I've been formed through external impressions and internal processes based on my starting point as fear and survive and fight and justifications and excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to go into thinking that it is okay that I do not remember things because I am different than others and I do not have to memorize anything or remember specifically anything because I am smart and that is the meaning of being smart, not needing to remember anything - that's why technology exists to help me to remember and never realizing that if I use external tools for my confidence it is always conditional and have the starting point of inferiority and the need for go into superiority is pre-defined therefore the polarity movement is predictable, limiting and in fact not really supporting me as really it is not who I am as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as character regarding to the way I currently am is the most perfect, practical and in fact evolutionary result of my life therefore never questioning anything based on what is within the box of self-judgments and definitions of: ME and even when somebody else questions this halo of self-definitions referred as 'ME' - I defend it automatically instead of using common sense and apply Self-honesty in each moment of all breath equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always automatically find excuses to not learn based on the personality I've developed through polarity of judgments and in fact surviving and fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have the excuse that I already have a degree from university therefore I do not have to learn anything 'seriously'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to balance out the polarity of resistance to learning with always wanting to learn things what fascinates me what is my interest and define myself as always like to learn something meanwhile being aware that it is not the most effective way I approach learning but as I've defined myself to be, accepting limitation based on 'this is good for me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always justify why I do not remember something based on self-definitions and judgments such as I am smart therefore I do not need memory and that therefore is technology and my brain is only a processor but not storage and not realizing that the very definitions of these self-judgments are based on memory therefore to react with this contradiction is in fact creates frictions within me what charges specific personality of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have never questioned the points I am unable to remember about why in fact I do not remember, why I am unable to specifically remember meanwhile if I would remain here and observe myself within self-honesty and exploring real self-intimacy I would see that it is because of preferring to focus and energize inner reactions such as thinking, feeling and energies moving around within and as my human physical body as part of the self-definition mind consciousness system what I've defined as myself as equal as one and not realizing that it is only the consequence and physical manifestation of my starting point as self-dishonesty and self-judgment and limitation and the only way to stop the limitation what I cause friction within when facing is to decompose, understand and forgive and practically let go all points within what is inner reaction to be able to embrace what is really here as myself undefined and allow my physical to integrate and learn within it's natural rhythm of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept resistance within towards remembering and learning with the speed of physical, natural learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept thoughts and feelings within as inner reactions towards learning and in the process of learning and studying and not directing myself to stop and not realizing that it is who I am what I accept and allow.









https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/
to be continued

self direction as breath

Here today I recon-tinue the day by day blogging.
What happened since ten days - I was exploring how to be natural expression without concepts.
These concepts - I built up previously and when I push myself - I can step trough/over these - sometimes not instanteniously, but with a discipline stand - and it still falls -- falls from a perspective that I allow myself to define, I allow myself to

first of all
--listen/take care/consider/obey that what I am experiencing inside of me - and not within the body -- thoughts, feelings, emotions.
it is fascinating to explore how there are situations when I am immediately aware of that I am suppressing/deceiving myself -- and there are points where I am still not even aware that I am of self-dishonesty.
For instance -- when I allow myself to wonder about a woman -- it is obvious that I am projecting and allowing myself to desire and define what I see and by definition - I react.

But when I am speaking up to somebody -- today it happened when I was speaking to my exgirlfriend - and I was expressing myself about what would mean to take self responsibility -- and then I realised that other 2 beings are listening around me and then it was not obvious that this influenced me -- and after some sentences - I did not give attention to this 'fact' - as it would not be different -- but the deception was not obvious at first -- that @I was considering about how or whom I speak@ - because I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my speak according to whom I speak - instead of being here and constantly me - regardless of whom...

But as I considered this for a moment - it may come reality - but in fact - didnt - so self forgiveness is required to be ensured that this point is clear and make me aware that next time I will be 'seamless' - and trusting myself that when I speak - I speak as to the whole existence as myself as one as equal. Sounds great, but practically how to apply?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider who I must be according to whom I speak.

It should not mean of course that I would say the same to everyone -- but not to fly away when I realize - many listen to me.
Self judgement can occur when I react as - ' ok - to speak is easy - to live ! it's a different story!' - it is separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about I am speaking - instead of realizing that when I am speaking the words as one as equal - the speak is act, the speak is self-expression, the speak is life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the quantity of beings are listening to me - instead of realizing that regardless the number of beings - I am here.

As I previously judged teachers, gurus etc as they are speaking to many beings - and I was defined the 'wise' or 'great' bullshit about these, because there are many-many humans who are intending to listen these people to speak.
The desire arised to speak to many beings? Not speficially, but sometimes yes - because to tell them what I explored, to share who I am, to share what I realized - to see it is real. to see, that am I able to speak of what I experienced - or it is something what I can not express?
In the past there were numberless(hundreds) of experiences what I could not describe well before - and this a bit made me invalidating these - because if I can not put these into words - than how can I be sure that it was real? What 'worthy' was to have these if I am not able to share, if I am not able to bring here?

This 'worth' can be also a trap - what worth? If something I can not speak up, or I rather define it unworthy - then what? I can not deny any moment or prioritize by anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments according to worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put into words every experience what I defined as 'intense'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any moment is the same intensity as I am here as the awareness of life or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy as profound, mystic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to describe and define any experience I have - instead of being here and not 'stepping back' or 'looking back' in order to define to be able to define 'another looking backs'.
Because as I do it - a wave occurs within the water - the surface breaks - and it is waving and influences the whole existence! And as I define again - another wave - and wave after wave after wave - I am waving - and nothing else remains but waves of myself - instead of experiencing what is actually here.

---
Breath - morning - thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the morning as thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as me as moment as me as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I wake up - instead of immediately stop and stand up and act and be here within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about specific points in order to 'get energetized' to be able to start up as mind consciousness system -- instead of being here as moment as breath as expression without any inner reaction.

This came when I was kid and I was planning the day - when the hardeness I experienced - to move to school early - to be there and to be able to direct myself - but it was not a direct self-direction -- it was indirect and by thoughts and energy - I was merely listening to an idealistic myself what I built up to be able to deceive myself about who I am and what to do and what is this world.
Because of fear, because of fear of failure, because of fear of rejection, because of fear of pain, because fear of horror etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I experience or I could experience. Instead of realizing that I experience here - is the consequences of my past deeds, words, thoughts. And if I do not change - these will intensify.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to compute all possible probabilities/variables before I act - to be able to be as a computer what plays chess - - instead of realizing that this is always limited - because it is limited to my perception of the past.

I have to scratch my belly in these days - strange - I can even laugh when I see that I am scratching myself at a bit downer than my bellybutton and mostly on the right side.
Maybe bugbite. Whatever.

I was within the hope of directing something to be done - and I was hoping in others as I have to ask others to make a paper filled with specific datas in order to get a software on half price. And I was hoping that Gy will help but one month passed and she asked also others and they did not do that.
I asked her to offer them around 20 euros but she laughed. Then myself asked others to do so, because I need this more and more to be able to do what I want - according to music.

With Gy - the desire after her really reduced - as I spoke with her and also I had to realize that this was too much how I wanted her -- since then - we met once - it was big fun and great kisses and of course not more.
My exgirlfriend and other people who refer me as friend - are having fun with me when they realize that 'tala still did not fucked with her' - and then I was able to see what this would mean to me.

I mean - the mean of man - hehe

Spoon told me that when he sleeps with a girl, something must happen and I laughed on that, that would be so seriously rigid - but then I came to the understanding why he would be like that.
I never was - I slept with many girls before without even touching them.
Of course many times I experienced that the girls were kind of opened but I was like - if something happens by itself - then let it be but of course rarely happened...
This was like most of the girls are behaving - waiting for the good instead of being self-directive.
Hmm and then with Gy - she obviously did not want to have literal sex with me when we slept together - but in fact I even did not try -- because the 'optimal' would be that both of us are on the same starting point of exploring and expressing without anything.
But when I was playing with her - she was teased, she liked it - but from above - from her head - the statement came icely cold - NO.
So I was like - ok, then if it's like - then no - how would be the whole thing with this kind of attitude? But then the question comes that why I want to have sex with her - even with this situation?
Somehow I still have the hope that with sex maybe she would reconsider to be with me within an agreement - or not directly in an agreement - but within something what can be changed to an angreement - or simply we would expose ourselves and assisting ourselves and each other until it lasts.
So this desire I have to purify as this is kind of manipulation - why and how I want her for what?
I did not see her since one week and she is having big time trouble dealing with time - she is always running of time - cant do her tasks, and having no time for she would like - so rarely we meet -- and I offered her much-much things to do together and she always looks like she is really interested - but very rarely happens something.
The expectation I had to dissolve intensely about her - yet when we met - we were having time as a couple - for some hours and then good bye.
So it was weird - she dealt with me as she even told me - that it is so intense to be with me that it takes the whole of her - a total Gy is required to be able to with me and I asked that why it would be a problem and she said that it is totally different than her job, friends etc and she can not switch this by a breath - so she told me that we could meet on a day when she does not go to work next day.

I stated this as the lack of the equality between ourselves so then I said well - I gave this up and I do not seek her really - but sometimes I did when I was not aware -- and we spoke on phone about a half an hour.
But I realize that this is not really oneness and equality - I even had a moment when I was considering that how I would get her onto the intention to meet with me more often - and after this - I was exposed to myself.

I am sure that I can assist her within her 'time-management/self-direction' but she wants it all alone, she is so stubborn as I was when I was 25.

As long I have inner reaction - this can be assisting - when I am self-honest - but absolute self-honest. When not - then compounding shit will hit me. As once it happened - I was emotionally charged and I felt like fuck the whole world all crap, I wanted to leave this city immediately but I could not - because of the job, lack of money etc.

In fact what would change if we would have sex - not much - one occasion would not make a big difference - but it would be assisting to do this kind of expression with somebody who I can open myself up and also she could do the same - and I found her to be a good one for this - but maybe of previously formed desires. But then the whole thing is compromised and I am fucked if I continue this shit all along until I leave the country.

Also at job place I told to my boss that I would really appreciate a longer vacation - without salary - instead of having absolutely enogh and leaving the company. He was not happy but at least he said he will consider this.

Today with my exgirlfriend were lying on the park under sunshine and there were some rainbow guys and spoke about natural sexual expression and having problem within society and they asked me about the community where I was in Füssen where they are living in matriarchy.
Then they left and with Cica we did big hugs and having fun and peeing and it was big fun to hold her and raise - she was so light as a child.

So some scripting up before end:
-screenplay - many aspects formed already - have to see in written
-I started a text video about breath -push it until it's finished
-work for second
-be absolutely self honest - especially with situations about/with Gy - not be afraid to be direct - if she would step back - then she will do it - but I express and if is too much then it is. Stop desiring after her - the more I desire - the more she slips away. Then the point comes that if I do not seek her - we do not meet - then it should be all right. Here are other woman also if I want to explore sexual expression with somebody who I can be one and equal. Self-direction.

There should be some situations when I must push myself to a direction to avoid suppressions - as I did this before regarding to sex -- simply not being aroused by pictures and sounds - but when I experience this movement inside of me - then let space to it to express without judgement. Stop fearing from what would happen if I sleep with a girl and we do something together. Let's see it and take consequences and be responsible and self honest and forgive and change.

self forgiveness on definitions etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to express myself because of hope and lack of self trust in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the lack of awareness of and as breath expression - shows that I am not here - I am not inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try living by excuses and justifications about why I am accepting myself as thinking - instead of acting immediately and not allowing myself to wheel up within myself with thoughts, emotions feelings.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not expressing out myself within every moment as who I am inside - I am compounding the tension/stress within myself - and then I am becoming an atombomb what is preparing to explode -- instead of expressing myself and releasing the ideas of how to perceive and act.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself somebody who can have everything or nothing - played out and controlled by extreme polarities - and limiting myself to these as I am black or I am white - instead of being aware of how I participate within such definitions and forgiving and releasing them - remaining inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself according to sex or according to the lack of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good to suppress sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to emotionally manipulate beings around me in order to have what I want - instead of being direct and trust self as moment as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while I am reading - instead of realizing how I defined reading as thinking - and stopping it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am gonna be tired if I do something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am going to be tired if I am thinking.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as I am 'moving into the mind' - I am becoming a programmed robot - as I am not here as the physical - but I am within and as this mind program and perceiving everything trough the lens of definitions, laws, regulations-- then I am not here, I am not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within desire - I am desiring after what is already here - so within the act of desire - the act of realizing how and why I separated myself from what I desire for. It can be girl, sex, object or any idea what I do not experience but I want to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go of the past - letting go who I was, who I defined myself to be here, and be the expression of moment as breath.

Here mindfuck exposed

I've decided to bring my mindwork onto physical level - the most intense part actually is the desire. So I've decided to face. Continous pushing was necessary and even I discovered some dishonesties according to stop suppressing and be able to 'go with the outflow'. I was clear about the starting point to face with my desire and anyway what else shall I do - transcendence I am as whatever comes, I already created it so see the consequences and breath.
On a chat a girl started to talk with me and after a while we met, and I did not liked her, especially that she is a girl who not really have any self-reflectional ability but I was sure that something she can bring out from me...We talked and did two short kisses, I mean even with tongues...
I was aware that she is not really understanding what is happening, but she was kind of spelled with the picture and her desire mixed with hope...
After first meet, I was aware much more dishonesties, and I did not want to meet with her - because only sex I could imagine with her, but even that barely almost not.
So at second meet I said to her, that I am not sure and things like that, but then somehow a kiss came, and it was interesting to see that how I do not say no, and the question came: why? Many stuff came up...
Meanwhile here is THE girl who I was dreaming several times and she is a manifestation of my self-created brainfuck, because: she is gorgeious, a real beauty within the system, kind of mixture of a picture presentation of a Degas and Renoir painting world what I extremely liked.
So I wanted to meet with her after three dreams with her and obviously I had this desire to see her, talk with her, touch, kiss her and just be with her and see what will happen.
Several times I rejected this urge inside - until a moment when I decided to face.
So we met and was big fun and she influenced me instantly, I changed with her presence.
Somehow she brought up this easy, innocence, pure expression of joy and touch and sharing and the child within me and this is like a honey for the bees - somehow this whole concept what I separated myself from as definition of joy and the lack within me - this what proved to be kind of addictive within me.
In other words, I have this ability to extremely open myself with her presence and in other part, somehow I can become quite dependent and conditional with this kind of influence.
I decided to embrace this whole experience and to let myself go - also I fed up with masturbating not only for pictures but for all ways, and I said that if it is programmed, let's see how the program works and how to influence, change, stop it.
So real 3D girl I decided to meet, and she I reached, and after some meets, she slept with me and she really likes me but somehow there is a wall what can come instantly between us and she looks like does not support my ego because in a moment can just become this distant shining star and I face with myself near her AS MY full blown mind manifestation as this swampy heavy energy manifesting like a form of depression and things like this when 'she does not love me with full power'. This is really like a sickness, like missing something really important within my body to operate normally...so twisted
In fact this is the typical past experience with my first girlfriend and that was really a huge mindfucking dishonest experience and it is somehow an another model of the same dishonesty and it is time to face this again...
So then I decided to direct the situation to go together with her to rainbow gathering and it happened and she came not alone but with two friends so 4 of us were in the tent, and somehow I was a bit disappointed but I did not participated within this but pushed myself to expose my intent just to be with her and go with the expression.
I was sure that I can not hesitate, not anymore, the procastination and the suppression was so intense that I had to turn it out to literally explode me because it was already a huge within me - just like an entity what grows and starts to eat and determine me with my permission but without my direction. So what? I said - intensification I was always, whatever comes, I embrace and breath.
There was a point when I experienced her attention slowly but surely turned to me as I pushed the experience of interacting with her and it was so strange, kind of mushroom trip it was - whatever you think, man, forget it - I do not know what I write anymore, I am writing me as one as equal and no intention, no separation, breath as letters as keyboard as music as expression as breath I express and express and express.
So it was like going trough a maze and at points I am deciding- not even decisions but more likely switches - the lever points inside and one represents something and hold some kind of word-graph within me -- or I turn the lever as presence as breath and physical act and movement to turn it out and literally manifest this self-definition into phyisical expression.
At one point it was so complex, I was starting to lose it and for a moment even at the rainbow family I was alone - flabegasting pure virtual mind-lock-in as within the acid trips before it flips to silence - I was like ok let give it up, ALL I GIVE UP, because I was having this intense head pulling experience, kind of headache but more phyiscal than just headache - and I said some self forgiveness and stabilized myself for the moment and realized that I am really after this experience so anyway, no way back - I have to continue - and my desire already manifested specifically and I just wanted to collect all my mind-tentacles to point to her and see what happens and finally at one point simply stop by realizing the direct hereness.

I was speaking with my friend who suggested to read Gurdjieff some years ago and somehow understands much, and even loves Andrea from the desteni farm hahaha(yet says self forgiveness no need to push so much as I do) - anyway we talked and I said him about I have this one dead stop just before I 'reach the peak of the whole experience' when I used to use substances to kick myself over. And he said that then I do not want it really - And I asked myself aloud about Gy(the girl) and in fact yes - I was not sure about I want to be with her closely - the compounded shit about previous experiences with girls and my doubt and fear and disbeliefs and all that as it manifested as this system - made me stop.So I was fearful that if I open myself - I can burn myself and that was really a lost when ten years ago I did - so this doubt I burned into myself, so at this moment I dared to push myself...
He also said that self trust is bullshit as it can be deception because why I need to trust, when I AM - and I realized also that the self trust as I defined - separation- let go of definition of self trust...so cool...
And then I realized that I already chosed, now I am here to understand it - a' la Matrix story, and in the next moment I said that I want this and I face.

Very very soon an old friend(kind of second father of D made lightsignals from distance
and then we heard his shouts, and we ran - he had heartattack, he could not breath, so I got an already ringing phone from somebody to speak with ambulance, to order a helicopter because in other way he can die right here in any moment...
I was aware that my 'compounded energy' virtual 'decisions' can influence physical experience around me and it was fascinating to observe myself how I define myself according to this coincidence...
So then chopper could not come, and when the directions they asked, I gave the phone to somebody who could describe the best way to the camp, ambulance started to come, and it was really within nature, so it was a while.
Rainbow hippies of course made handholding OM saying circle to pray and meditate and all of this energy stuff, I did not wanted to participate and also took a pee, so I walked away, and found Gy within the tent and just wanted to explore her expression near her and she said she was expecting the other guy and I became quite serious and kind of cold - the mind-shield started to shine but in the next moment I just left and said very well, I am here and I am breath - embrace all of this, and inbreath all outbreath all.
I already realized some days before that I suppressed extensively the outbreath - more likely I do a deep inbreath and then not being aware the outbreath and allowing mindwork.
Also the polarity and the self-creation as self-dishonesty is very related to my habit of my outbreath-style.
So I pushed, and I held two girl's hand within the circle around the old guy who was quite in trouble and I breathed until the vain came what took the old guy to ambulance.

Meanwhile somehow I realized how on acid trips we used our mind-focus-intent to forge as one some years ago - for instance 3 of us, we were what we did and until everything focused onto one point and in the next moment the whole concept as construct of manifested words just flew and we remained as one.
Interesting, I was having to be alone and I decided to give it up and enjoy myself, and push myself anyway without her - as she went to meditation with one of the guys from the tent. In that point I was even not sure that she wants to be with him or with me - I felt like it is a test what she does wih herself and with the guy and with me, so I was almost to ask the guy about this situation but somehow it did not happened...
This I was sure that made me ambigous - also that she is so filled with the tibetian buddhism as I was years before - before I realized the deception within myself.
I see them as me - I embrace them but I say what I am having to say - interesting to explore what words they can hear, and very fascinating to realize what words they simply do not hear. Also I realized as I write that they are aware of some of my dishonesties, as I am about 'theirs' but the direct one and equal expression is the only way to express to support all as one as equal...
After the serious quietness was fading at the campfire - and she went to meditate with the other guy - and I fed up swirling inside, I sat to the fire around the others in the dark and I played with my jewsharp and somehow it was just coming and coming and I was one and equal as expression as the instrument and I played long and intense, never intense like this, and my hand did not hurt, and I felt like I reached a point where it does not matter how long I play - hands, mouth wont be tired anymore - I easily changed the positions with my hand and still was playing cool and within tempo and somehow even I had the ability to direct it's flow as a whole story... I was fascinated and enjoyed, and when I finished and people enjoyed it and asked me, I became humble, I just said it just compounded within me and I had to express...
Then Gy came back and sat down somewhere at the other side of the fire and at that moment I was quite stable and I was quite stable yet fascinated about my statement related to her - as I decided fully to want to be with her...
Yet I was sitting and just playing with drums and speaking with people and then Gy asked me to lay down to her and under her was the other guy and it looked funny as three of us were laying together, kind of a sandwich...After a while we decided to play 'flying' when one is holding the another at the hip part with foot and kind of 'make the other fly by feet while the other is like flying...
So I was laying on the ground and I was holding her hands and pulling her onto me and holding her only by my sole in the air but I could not manage it fully, so she fell down..
Then we changed the role, she was holding me but I fell down again..Then Gy asked a girl to help to make this - and they played for a while and then Gy was better - and then she tried to hold me by her sole in the air, but we could not manage it...after some trial, we did it, and it was very cool...we did this before together already, about two or three years ago when we were high on mushroom...So it was cool, and she laid down onto me and we breathed together and spoke much and hugged and fondled for a long while.
We were together for a long time and everything was cool and I realized that I can do anything if I do not hesitate and even if it is mindfuck, I am me and release it as who I am as all life. Because if I do not realize and release - yet still suppressing it - I am of it -- so then better to face and realize and open and be self-honest and apply practical self forgiveness by stopping inner reactions...

There were some points when I realized somehow Gy was aware about many stuff as she said some points when I had to realize that she is still directing the situation and did some placements to not blow the whole stuff away, like between us an other guy slept in the tent(and also the other guy) and these guys are kind of cool faces, ok they are also the same buddhist as I was, but anyway I enjoyed them also as me.

So next morning I realized that Ive changed so much only from the fact that she likes me and allows me to touch, hug, raise, fondle and enjoys it and slowly but surely starts to open for me. I had some moments when I was facing with suppressions but I was physical expression, and slowly but surely inside I was really quiet.
Also at foodcircle(when everybody eats) a girl asked Gy about how comes that she is with 3 boys, and which one is her boyfriend, and she said that none, and the other guy who she was also for some time and I was curious about what she wants from him - she said, he is her brother, and 'maybe an another will be boyfriend, will see' - so I was like this is also a kind of interesting speak and I simply did not allowed to move inside - so that moment it was like 'joy' yet with polarity about how mindfucked I am...Anyway...
Several spoke and naked baths and sunbathes we took and all of day two of us(the other guys were far) we were absolutely together, helping in the kitchen, going to pee, playing music together with the others and all stuff...it was really cool, the rainbow gathering is very cool anyway and even with the dishonesties(like spiritual mystic bullshit and separations) I decided to stand and see and realize and stop inner reactions about it...

At that day, it was the third day when we had to come to home very soon, so after a loong farewell from others at the camp(from all one by one, big hugs) and in a bath when we were four within the water and playing(2 girls, 2 boys), we played kissing arounds and she kissed me deep and basically we kissed all around and then first time we kissed really and it was very cool...
Then we started to go home(out to the village to the car) and hand by hand we walked trough the forest out to the village and interesting realizations I experienced.

I mostly never liked to hold a girl's hand only when I really liked her. Because somehow it required some full blown commitment and it was only with Cica before...
Now I just grabbed her hand and enjoyed - I was really surprised that I open myself up so much with her... Fascinating how much me I separated from myself by the definition of 'the most beautiful girl inside and outside as well as I perceive'.
Because obviously I required this to reunite with her - because I found her outside from me what I lack - the beauty, the joy, the innocence, the flow, uninhibited expression and all of this - I judged myself as I am not these...
So I placed myself into this situation and I had to realize that she I love.
We found a disturbed 'LOVE' sign put together from woodsticks on the ground on the dirtroad as we left the rainbow camp and it was disturbed, many pieces were all over the place and Gy and me put it back together the letters to repair the word LOVE. lol

Also I had to realize that I separated myself from the word love - because I decided to not love myself, and here I am within this kind of strange love.
But it is mindfuck, we talked about it, and somehow I trusted myself without thinking about trust - I breath and I walk trough and as the wholeness of everything and assist myself as her as one as equal to realize who we are as life.
So then we stopped at a big lake, called Balaton towards home and we swam and played in the water and also kissed, and there was the swim scene.
The others(the two boys and an other girl) remained alongside the coast and Gy swam deep inside, and I followed her and I stopped when I realized maybe I am not so good swimmer, as I did not even swim since two years from that point when at Goa I was hit at the searocks so hard that my hip almost broke.
Fascinating.
So then I saw that quite far she stopped and looket after me, so I just swam after her and I was just breathing and moving within and as the water.
We hugged each other and kissed and then swam towards the sunset...
After we joined to others and played some more and the interesting stuff that the other boys are also liked to play with her but after a point they stopped, and somehow it was obvious that they are interested in her but not really, what I did not understand but it was good point to see that am I jealous or not and some points I felt like this but I also said self forgiveness several times and I pushed myself and I breathed and embraced - or I expressed like this...
Then we kissed some more and hugged and laughed and when we came home - it was really shocking to enter the dark, stinky, foggy city with the people - that was like total oppose of the nature and the kind, quite opened hippies - but I embraced and did not allowed myself to sink down, because I was aware that all of this I am - not polarity I am, so I open myself and breath.
And I asked her, when we kiss again and she said, at Ozora(one month later) a goa festival, and I was a bit disappointed, so at that moment all of me was quite exposed that I expected something and then I did not get so I was empty and even I forget my starting point as breath for some moments, and then she kissed me some more times and then I said to her as we hugged that ' I release you' and smiled and then I walked away...towards home...
At home my flat was dirty and dark and I just threw down all my clothes and went to sleep.
I was also interested to fing Gy at the internet once and I found a name in a pairhunter place what has similar than her and I was kind of interested about maybe she is, but then I realized that she is not her - I felt myself like after acid trips...
totally changed I felt - I was not interested to sit at the front of the computer, and playing or things like that - I wanted to write, write all of this, and express self forgiveness and release self dishonesties but I was already tired, so in the morning I woke up and also I experienced some hope about maybe she will reach me over phone but of course nothing happened.
Also I realized that everything happened is a gift, I am all, and if I define myself according to polarity, I am not whole and I manifest shit.
Even today I felt like splitted - as gifted by the moment when I am expression with her - and shocked as how I am dependant to this girl to be kind of 'whole' - what is obviously not real because without her I felt myself like this 'body filled with moving mud' kind of physical manifestation of the mind demon within myself.
Also I had burned myself really red before, and I had this ambigous feeling within my body, and also maybe I still have ticks - we spoke about we will check each other but it did not happened, and Gy did it with the other guy and I was not there so that's it...
Afternoon I went to bank to take out my salary and I called her to meet because she works on street, but did not picked it up, so I went back to workplace.
When I infiltrated into subway without ticket, the checker man came after me and kind of shouted to me about ticket and what the fuck I think why they are at the entrance, and I said well I have nothing, I just come and that's it, and he was quite aggressive and then said 'then just go' and I said thank you, and somehow I felt myself vulnerable, and then I walked back to office and continued to work like a kicked out dog lol.
Then Gy called me and said she had several ticks and I should check myself and also said that she will meet me on this week because she has my blanket and I also has something what I have...
Then I had this itchy feeling all over my body and I wrote to her about it would had been cool if I was checked after ticks by her and 'anyway please check that on me when you come'...and also the other girl who I met twice before, asked about meet and I did not answered, and I felt like the center of the polarity and experiencing the two edge of the frequency domain and seeing those as one big mindfuck.
Very well, it is mostly the story, and I am here, and I fed up my dishonesty, and I am here to forgive myself because I contained so long this bullshit since twelve years...

I am not sure that it is mindfuck to be with her and see how we embrace this situation, but will see... I directed this, because at this moment she is the only one who I could be - not within relationship, but in any way whatsoever - Agreement? I do not know - but I do not accept anything less than who I am and I do not accept anything less than who she really is and I do not hesitate to intervene to show her nature and if we wont met anymore, then not, but until I enjoy and expose my fears and dishonesties and embrace the mind and exploring practical knowledge about who I am and push myself to remain inner silent and breath in and breath out and support her within her realization as me.

So self forgiveness after a cup of water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.
Also I write down Veno -self forgiveness - relationship.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I require and need another separate from me to fullfill and complete me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept myself as incomplete and unfullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from myself as another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek and search for love in another from who and which I have separated me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'love'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'relationship'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to be complete and fullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another separate from me to be loved and to experience love.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to consider the words 'falling in love' - only noticing and considering the word love in the equation and not the word 'fall'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dream and wish and hope and desire to be 'whisked' and wiped off my feet by an eligible attractive man or attractive beautiful woman of which I pictured in my mind as being: The One.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condition and conform to society by desiring and wanting and needing a must-have relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to influence and change myself to attract a hopeful possible partner.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'knees going weak' and 'butterflies in the stomach' are actually experiences of me instead of realizing they are manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually literally 'buy into' the ludicrousness of the fact that love actually exists.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that love and relationship is the trap of this world to remain pre-occupied in 'my own world' instead of opening my eyes and ears to see and hear what's really going in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'fall' into the trap of the mind as love and relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define love and sex under the category of the manifestation of a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become blind and deaf by the overwhelming experiences of feelings and emotions within a relationship and closed myself off and separated myself from the rest of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a relationship as an escape from the world to not have to face the world I exist in and experience myself within.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will 'find' and 'discover' myself within a relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that emotions and feelings for another separate from me are actually experiences of me as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire, want and need a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to merely accept and allow emotions and feelings for another separate from me - believing such emotional and feeling experiences to be 'normal' and 'okay', because everyone else is also experiencing them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to enjoy 'being loved' by another - instead of accepting joy as me as the expression of me as self love.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to love myself and because of this - I went on a journey to find, search and seek love elsewhere.
I forgive myself that I have nt allowed myself to realize that by me wanting, desiring, wishing and needing a relationship - I was actually asking for a relationship with me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to ever in my life, not once in my life, consider me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to start a relationship and go on a relationship quest - because that's what the rest of the world is doing - so most obviously: I must do it as well.
I forgive myself that I have alllowed sex, relationship and love to become my obsessions, oppression and suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resist myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take me for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define holding, cuddling, fondling, kissing and sex as intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that love and relationship actually exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe, perceive and think that others who are in relationship are happy and content - not really knowing or understanding that what they are projecting is the lie to the world and the deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust my thoughts feelings and emotions instead of me trusting myself as who I am of life within and oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself and by this judgement requiring and needing another separate from me to love me, appreciate me and adore me because I apparently couldnt and cant for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is ridiculous.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is too simple and fallible to actually assist and support me in what I am experiencing within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and condemn my own words.
I forgive myself that I have even allowed to give the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions the 'time of day' and taking for granted the breath of life as life of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in a relationship with another.
I forgive mylse fthat I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that God created male and female as is to experience the apparent joys and wondrous ecstasy and euphoria of sex and to make babies and start a family.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live by laws and regulations of society of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that people who've beein in relationships actually knows anything of relationships and have allowed myself to fllow the example of other love sick puppies lost in the mind as I am.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to notice the word 'sick' in 'love sick puppies' and only notice the word love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to have power over me and power of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive and dishonour and lie to myself in the name of love, relationship and sex.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be intimate with me - self-intimacy is the key of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my parents were actually 'happily married' and that I'd also want to have an experience like that with anoother: Relationship, marriage, home, car, children, successful business and money.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have 'fallen' head over heals' for the deception and manipulation and lies of the system when 'falling head over heals' for another separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to Gy to call me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to want and wish and desire to Gy to see me, hug me, kiss me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not love myself if I desire to be loved with another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as unfullfilled, as lacking, as hoping, as depending.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to own Gy to have it for me as my precious, because I put worth and walue into my definition of her and by that balancing the polarity of self-unacceptance and self-dishonesty as self-deception as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not requiring somebody to fullfill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself in order to avoid to be vulnerable and hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath in as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath out as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have Gy with me and to be loved with her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that I want a beautiful and expressive girl like Gy to be with me who gives her attention to me and receiving my attention and stimulating each other to have this joy bubble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discipline myself to remain physically here and then accepting myself to live by my thoughts and saying that 'I release it and realize' - even when it is obviously self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for her call because then it would mean that she would like to be with me, so then I am worthy, so I am good enough, so I am somebody, so I am real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself as 'joy'.
I forgive myself that I have separated myself from the word 'joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'joy' by pictures within my mind and define 'my' 'joy' according to my self-created self-deception-based definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have her with me.

---
Self corrective application.

I express myself and I offer my support - but I do not accept myself as desire, I do not accept myself as dependance.
I express myself as joy and I express myself as innocence but I stop desire for touch, kiss, sex - yet I do not suppress the expression as myself.
I do not accept anything less than who I am as inner silence as life as oneness and equality.
I do not accept myself as desire, I do not lie to myself and I do not deceive myself anymore.
I do not fuck myself with the illusion of love because this is killing me. It is killing my head, my body, myself - this mind is phyisically manifesting trough my emotions my lack, my fear, my dishonesty - I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISHONESTY.
I apply self forgiveness, I move, I change, I live, I breath, I stand.
I release her, I let go her, I do not wish to be with her because when I wish after her - I am not here, I am not me, I am not inner silence as expression.
I stop associating to her by popping up mind pictures about her face, her hand, her tits, her pussy, her thigh, her foot, her hair, her sound, her tongue.
I am here, I delete these definitions, I stop all mindwork, I am here, what is physically here - real, what is not here - it is not real.
I stop pretend that I am inner silent when I am not, and I ask her to assist me to dare me to be inner silent and stand alone.
I breath naturally when she looks to me, I breath naturally when she wants something for me and I discover the deception within this already manifested deception and release by stopping participate and that's it.
I do not close myself into a mind bubble in order to escape from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I forgive my dishonesty about her, then she will call me -self deception I stop.
I forgive myself that expect her to answer to my message yet realizing that this would be just a food for my ego - even when in fact maybe really I still have ticks on my body where I could not check myself.
Also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to take olive oil to the gathering, even when the mostly I wanted this, but I procastinated and I wanted to ask Gy to bring it and then I just suppressed to ask her and then we did not have olive oil...
Olive oil is extremely supporting under intense sun, because it helps to make skin oily what protects and repairs the skin...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from olive oil.
So in short- this happened in last days - will see what happen, I will write more -- because:
- this is real shit within me, the desire for very beautiful girl and then the manifested mind-experience of 'love sick' within the body, this kind of heavy unconfortable sad feeling as self-defeat: when this occurs - I stand, I lay down and I breath, and I embrace, and I relax into and as the experience and show to the system as me that this is who I am - come join me and be one and equal and then I direct, and I stop as one as equal within oneness and equality.

Tooth and truth

A while ago I had this huge jawpain - I was wondered about what is this and some points I revealed - this stroking my face seriously, like a soldier - many times I mix up the self-direction with this hard, kind of autoriter, soldier-like way - instead of realizing that I am here as breath and I express and releasing and that's it...
because many times I can be here and directive and kind of playful innocent expression without any concern or fear about anything and then I am just here and expressing who I am - and if I push myself - I can be - the points are revealing me for me when I do not push myself - about how and why define myself to and as hesitation trough some sort of self-definition...So the tooth...

So It came back several times and this toothpain came back over and over again - and somehow it had some kind of relation with desires and when I allowed myself to desire (the sexual was the most strong desire) then as I supressed these - after a while this jaw-hardship manifested somehow - and toothpain came back - it was here since maybe a year - I used it as an energetic tester about if I am of energy and I all-low then this pain can come up...whatever this pain about ten days ago remained here and I had quite intense moments and for hours I just had this pain and nothing else I did...
Even I went to pharmacy to buy some kind of painkiller but I did not take it - I did not take medicine since I've managed to kill the amoebas within my belly with some pills about two years ago...and the pain reduced... but I've decided to go to dentist - because already the condition of my teeth became quite damaged, so if I want to visit SA in a day - would be better to solve this where I can do it more easily...
I found practicing dentist university where the 'old' students are doing these stuffs, and it is for free, so I did it - and last week there was the check - and I went and it was fun - but the truth just I've faced - the broken one is like an open wound in my mouth - has to be taken out - and one wisdom teeth has a hole and also one more maybe needs to be taken out and 4-5 more has hole what has to be fixed...
Hmm so I got a date - for may 21 - today...
So today I went and there were these young girls who were kind and nice I got syringed painkiller 3 times and even I had this 'whitening out' experience for a minute but after I was told to just lie in the dentist chair and put my hands in the air and some fist-finger opens and closes brought me back soon, so they just started - the particle what was outside - came down soon but then they had to rip to two parts the two big roots and then with the excavator and the machine what makes the noise worked they very hard for a while and finally they could take out one by one the big roots...
It was quite intense, but at the same time was cool - and realized how I defined myself as this will happen and just manifested...I always had these dreams about tooths and also within the movie of 12 monkeys - they said there are the tracers from scientists - and also of course from the Structural Resonance - about the preprogrammed code...
It was a kind of release - this wont make problems anymore! Even my mouth has this wounded inside feeling for months and I was wondered about is this can be felt when I was kissing? lol
So after all here I am with pain and a huge hole in my mouth - and in fact this tooth was not the one what made the pain recently - but it is done...Strange...grandma has no tooth anymore and she is still alive and interesting she changed some became more loose and stopped drinking, anyway will see...

Again I had to realize that when I am within severe pain - I do not hesitate - I do what I do, because anyway it is not about pleasure, more likely a facing with the accepted consequences...
Was fascinating how breathing as breathing trough these experiences just stabilizes the presence and stops inner movements - but in fact I am breathing and I am stopping the inner movements - or: as I am breath - I am not participating within the mind...

The next one will be this wisdom teeth, one week later it will be out and will see - in fact I always mystified these wisdom teeth and just because these came out without even noticing them(4 of 'em) about 17-18 years old - I felt like 'I got my wisdom very early' - but maybe this pulling out will be the end of my wisdom. What is cool..
Because I do not need wisdom, because that is of separation as knowledge and information and anyway if I believe this tooth as wisdom really, then I am really a fool...


Many stuffs happened, I write one more:
Today at the office house in the stairhouse there was a film-recording session, quite a professional one - there were about 20 people and with these huge lights, dollys cameras and all what needs for professional filmshots - kind of advertisement film they were recording and when in the morning I walked down to go to dentist - the people were like there as the machines in the factory - they did what they are ment to do - but it was like they were not really here...was strange - it was like muppets...I dont know...and before I heard one man giving orders and I was like maybe this is the director and his sound was strong and very directive, not a kind one - but it was unpersonal - he was directing to be able to take the shots what he wanted...
And as I walked by from upstairs and then go downwards - noone looked at me, and I sad this man and he was very young and not even too big and he was the only one who looked at me and was strange, it was like 'he was here' - I mean this is like when I am here, I am directing what is here, so he was this here anyway somehow from a certain view - and this was kind of cool moment...
This director what I desired for years - to be director - to be director for a movie, to be able to direct not only myself but a whole team in order to make the film what I want - so it was fascinating...

Definitions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define breath here is an easyness - not realizing that as I am defining - I am manifesting a polarity equation by word.
Not necessary.
As I am defining - I am not silence - as I am grabbing this in and as mind - I am not here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that all intent are causing an energetic movement what just simply separation.

I just started to listening music Kindzadza and in the track a guy says:
"If you change the rules on what controls you - you change the rules on what you can control..."

This rule is strange - as I did not wanted to take over the whole existence - strange but because my starting point was mind consciousness system - but as I am life as all as one as equal - I am all - so I am responsible for everything as I am infinite moment. And it is strange to write this but this in fact what is here. Always is here. But I am not always here, I choosed to not being here, to not see what is necessary to be done. And now the inevitability is here. No more stuff.
This breath I am. And this. And this. I am breath.
Breath as expression.
So breath is my key. Key of life. Life of key.
I breath always. But I am not aware of it. And if yes - everything starting to compressing to here. That is what I am. The com press I on who am I as the infinite expression of life: everything what i was, I am, I could be: I bring everything here. Here. Now. Now. No more future. No need. The future could mean, I am me here, so I am desiring something in the forthcoming, aiming, planning, imagining - what I just can not reach now, what I am not now. This is just nonsense.
What I am here - that is the future. No more. How I am expressing myself now - that is my future - no more timeloop. The timeloop means I am still fearing to be totally here - that mean that I am trying to project myself to the future - like with a spotlight I light there to see where I am going, because from this point that would be cool...Because I am not seeing here now...

This breath: when I am realizing that I am not breathing - but I am in and as this mind and breath seems to be like ' backyards' the breath just happening but nothing new, nothing moment occurs - I am in my past or I am playing the past-based future projection - project I on.
And when I realize that I am not silence - emptyness as nothing needs to be grabbed as definition - de finit I on - and than I breath - like that is a choice when I am choosing to give away those stuffs - and this self-forgiveness is very assisting to help me 'mark' and 'release' theese bondages by understanding - why I am not here? Because if I just do this 'breath' without understanding, without transcending, embracing, forgiving - sure it will come back...I know this already, I see, I experience...
So I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to use self-forgiveness unconditionally when I am realizing that I choosed my-deception about not being here...
And from a perspective that is ok -- okay like I had to face, I have to experience this 'mind-movement' to see to transcend - because it is within me - and when I am not transcending in and as moment as me - then I am just simply stupid - because I am making timeloop - I am making frustration, comphounding unnecessary shit -- what is just not necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to straight go back into the mind deeply as I am totally not here -- like absolute different experience I get -- simply because of a thought or some kind of determined system -- actually just happened with this music Kindzadza...
And this is dishonesty - as the first movement is like ok 'looks like a cool imagination' as this moment I got this ' this track what I am listening, called 'superstrings' -would be a cool video audio for showing up the 'phisical' world's signal's nature, about how things are built from the very basic' - but after this just some associat I on occurs, and I am hovering in the mind - and just not here - and strange, because I still hear the music, still can sit but the silence of me is just fall apart and --yawn:I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to not hear, not being aware what I was on just before the yawn, what I wanted to shut down...
So this is very strange stuff and I formed up, I remember, especially when I was around highschool I did a big 'advantage' in this. As I have big talent to this imagining - because I was totally lost and powerless in my reality and I wanted to find freedom and free self-expression, what I just couldnt - so I did 'my best': used my mind to imagine worlds, events, experiences - I became master of imagination - as I've became the absolute slave of it.
And after all some years ago I had to realize - what I am imagining in my mind - that just does not wants to happen in my reality - as I was satisfied with inside - magic, power, sexuality, freedom - I just did as within pictures in my head...
So when I took first acid around 21 years old I was - I decided to stop imagination as I did before - because I realized that is just not so real and if I can do more real, why not?
Like this intention to be real, to do real, THE REAL.
And when I took this psychedelics - -very cool to not forget why I am writing this, about breath here - what else lol-- I realized this 'real' word is just seems to be quite abstract. Until a point when I am interacting face to face - then seemed to be like everything is predetermined, as my inner setting and the outer set had determined what kind of could happen + some random = was my experiences...
After I start to write about a half hour - everything is getting so close, as I would like just write for a month all the time -- as I am experiencing everything I want to write out, and sometimes I even loosing the thread and I just let myself write out, but like this sometimes I just not go until the 'root'/the deep core what I about wanted to write to see one and equal as me.
But maybe that is ok. But also now a tendency came out, as I am doing something, and I was like:
--in the past I did not do much things, like 'writing music', or 'writing forum' and I had the tendency like listening again and again - as I wanted to see me in my 'creation' and the ego as the echo of the mind always interfered - so at the same time I formed the habbit as - I just do something and go forth in the same moment, even sometimes not remembering - and now I just realized when I am not remembering what I have done -- that is probably not me..
Soo...
I write write write write writing as me as the laptop as the screen as the letters as the letters as the word as me as one and equal no separation. I forgive myself all separation. All separation is within me what is necessary to forgive unconditionally.


So this imagination is frequently comes up as I am not here and this just starts and I still cant cut it in and as the moment when arises - and pulls me into this tube for some moments...

And what I realized, when I am realizing that I am 'deeply in the mind-maze' I forcing my body to breath, like intense breathes I take and breath out and what now I also see that I use this as a joy as 'returning back to be breath for some moments' - but until I defined it as joy - and as this joy-energetic stuff occures I can return to the mind, like the dolphin under the sea, but sometimes comes up for breath...
And this is a polarity manifestation of separation of mind probably by defining moments as situations what are 'less' than others so this could bulild up as burning into my self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think/form/believe that some moments are more than others - not realizing that I am the moment, all moments I am infinitely - and even one moment I am not me as breath as moment -- I fall into mind, I fall into self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define moments as divine - not realizing that is polarity so has to exists then the opposite - and by this the tendency of being aware of moments is ordering by the definitions of priority of 'awareness' what is just simply self-deception.

I watch this Noein series - very assisting, and very funny because the girl for me looks like a bit like my ex-wife what is very funny --and brings up some what is necessary to forgive.

I forgive myself that I did not used common sense in the past when I was in relationship with her, and even when she dared me to do this - I just couldnt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that she is my own precious.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the emotional dishonesties in order to not being absolute self-honest with her, just because of the fears in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing her.

So I lost her - totally and I was like that is cool, and I was totally fool, like the all of the civilized humanity - I did the same circles, I operated just same as the other as I let myself to be programmed as the system wanted to grown this society and I was in and as this society of the manifested fear of loosing. I was so fearful when I felt like loosing her - because of her beauty went into my mind. Because her body was beautiful and I was like that is the pointer who I am how I am and what I am about how beautiful and clever and etc girl I was in relationship.
All was my imagination. And I did it so much, so It just manifested. And I just had to realize that all my desires are nothing. Are just divertion from the fact: I am fearful, and I was like, oke because I was fearing loosing her, you know this BBBIG love what changes the world, and the fact is that : this fear was already inside me, I was already fearful, just the object of it changed - like floating woodpieces remained from a sunk ship and I was jumping from one to one as I started to 'stop' on a floating definition inside me - it just started to sink, and after a while I had to jump to another.
I was this jumper - and the enlightenment was a big jump, like ok seems to be that jump is what could be the final jump and after I do not have to jump..but that also sunk.
And I have to realize that I who is me this I

I

is always here - it is the fact what made me to stop for a moment as ok then this means this I -
I have to see this I - me. Me me memememememento.
And as I wanted to see myself - I saw strange: I am dead.
And I was like ok, probably because this is the normal, but no..this is insane.
Time to wake up. The dead has to be birth life from this body - as breath of life as the infinite expression who I am as this " I " - what is one and equal with and as all.

Spiritual or REAL giving up?

I speak about spritualism and giving up.

I have to add some stuff to make whole this story:
- I did a big self-dishonest step: I was about ok, I realized this reality means nothing, all are just visualisation and sense plugin, but I am still here and nothing changed in that moment(2003), only my realization helped me to understand a bit more...but that was more likely a burden...about ok I knew people who were about spiritual stuff, and read some books about what is this all about, and death, and meaning of life and etc... But they was not really commited to this search, but that was just like feeding a hunger, a bit like when people eat chockolete, or citizens sometimes go among trees and enjoying but they clothed as ufos...No..those were more likely the part of the building up their mind consciousness system to be able to define themselves and their inner dishonesties somehow and finding answers what are good enough to explain why and how they are that what actually are... Or just to find excuses why they do not want to stand up as self as all...like some people when readed about spiritual monky stuff, they said, ok I cant put down seks, so I do not want to be enlighted..or I am enjoying music, that one what I will never stop...or let's take the drugs..there are many people who say that, "I never want to stop smoking m-jane"...Obviously trapped are, but if I ask why? They have different answers, excuses what are exactly showing their accepted nature what choosed to hide behind as what is what do not want to face, so that is that what is afraid of.
And I also am in separation as I write as they and this and that..simply I am separating myself from myself....

The very interesting part of this what I am, what I am doing in and as the moment what I am equal and one with?
And now I write about giving up..the another story is when people do not even want to give up, but now I focus to that part when people already decided to give up, because somehow realized, that would be cool to not do something anymore...

Like the monks are giving up their sexuality...But let's examine this bit closer... I am giving up some kind of habit, or desire, or act, or anything, BECAUSE?

(behaviour/reaction/trigger/program/system/expression/ thought/emotion/desire/etc)

Because
-The being let him/herself to define that particular as bad, but inside it is cool for me, but knows that is not useful as others already definied that, for example the master comes and say hey do not smoke cigarette, because you are monk...now at this case the being not really understands why has to stop, but has big trust in others and let him/herself to influence trough those who is in relationship with(any kind)
-The other case is when the being realizes that for example: "shit, I am very angry now, but that is not cool, because in this society this is not acceptable, because for example if I exert my anger, I wont be accepted or will be closed in a cage" - and in this case the being has definitions and simply fights against his/her accepted nature by any kind of method, what are of course definitionbased acts/behaviours...The being already realized that is not cool, but not yet understood how it is here, especially why, and what would be the exact movement to be able to handle/avoid/not participate...
-The third part what I realized is the true realization what can change the being in one moment, about to dig and open the whole situation, and the causes, and everything can be seen as an opened book, and trough and as self-honesty in self-intimacy facing with the facts, and everything as was and is now, and by seeing what was the cause, and back-track theese until to be able very clearly to see the cause...Why I did this first time? Why was accepted?
It is obviously the real-I-sation means I real-ise my nature, about WHO I AM.
And if I realize really my nature, I can simply give up everything what I am not. Not fighting anymore, not denying, not hiding, but facing with the truth, "I AM NOT THIS, just because I didnt see the situation and myself clearly, because........I did this miss-take and stuck."
But this realization means: I got rid of this? From a perspective yes.
But for example when I realized I was not me when I consumed drugs, many changes just was done - but many remained as that was really deeply in myself.
And as I did this mis-take as I was not equal and one with myself as me as the moment, and I continously did - that built up a construct...Or inside me, or outside of me as manifested reality...
And I would like to give back me to myself this moment of self of silence, but how?
I forgive myself! I forgive myself that I accepted this...And as I am forgiving myself, I am giving the possibility myself to change...and after when the situation comes where I was triggered to act as I am not really, I am aware, that I see that I am not this, and I forgive myself that self-deception, and now this is the time to correct the self trough as self-movement as silence as moment as breath...

And that is very cool, and that is what I am doing, and already did with drugs, hey I am not drug, I am not this, and I understood why I used, how I used, not all, but mostly all I see now in me as me, and I am aware about that is just not working as me as infinity...
This is another interesting perspective, to see me as infinity in the moment. Can I stand in and as infinity within and as myself what I actually participate in, contain, my starting point, and why?
The system needs to stop. Everything is necessary to stop. Because I am this directing principle, this life essence one and equal with all...And the system is conditional. Obviously has a begining and end. But how is possible to embrace infinity from a perspective of a system?
The spiral stuff is just trap, the light thing again is just system...
This expression what I am one and equal with as all as life as breath as simplicity- and this can be somekind of starting point as I look around and separation, ignorance, fear and complicated systematic manifestations everywhere...

And this self-honesty is also something like a definition, but to not start to purify self, just because this, that is really self-dishonesty, not giving even the possibility to and as self for-giving the innocence as life as the simplicity of moment as expression as self.
But if the self-honesty is a definition, that means the one does not understand what and who we are...because the name would be anything, like foxymuxy or anything, but now it is necessary to make difference about system and life until even this has a meaning: until it is done infinitly.

And back to this giving up, I am giving up all what I am not, and as I am giving up what is not me, I am loosing my conditions to be me, until it is done until oneness and equality as me as all is not here...
Next time I'll write about breath and moment and act and silence and definitions.

Living words

Words. Words Words Words
come on come on

I am enticing my words with self-honesty.

As I am writing out my past, I am starting to see. I am starting to understand. I am starting to realize that fact: I have been created my world by my words.

Words have power! Words are power! Even if I give them 'voice' as sounded words or allow them 'appear in my mind': influencing the whole body, influencing the whole world.
My words are the expressions of me in this world. My words are the responsible about my and the rest of humanity's world.


- I have started to learn words by my mother and my grandmother. Their word definitions have been transferred into me. And that seemed to be quite cool and useful for being able to move around and communicate in 'their world'.
I just pointed to a picture and asked 'what is that'? And they explained. And I learnt fast.
The interesting stuff is that they never liked each other. I can say they hate each other.
But let's examine this:
Grandma gave birth to my mother and she teached 'the words' to her. Grandma hated grandpa until he died. But anyway. They just teached me the basic definitions in this world as words.
I am expressing myself through words. I am the expression as words.

And time passed, I went to some l-awful places like kindergarten, school, and I learnt more words. I learnt not only those words what are needed to being able to survive 'in and around the family', but what were necessary to use/express to be able to go to school between villages-cities, to be there, and to respond the requirements, about the subjects to the teachers etc.
When I was around 8-9 years old, I have discovered the computers. That was very interesting for me. To see the children are playing little games, controlling some figures 0n the screen with some keys and I started to visit computer workshop. I realized ok, that is a point, there are games, what kids play, but how that happens? How those games have been made? And who?
And I got the answer, the 'programmer' made the program, what can be anything about...
I started to learn the programming language called 'BASIC'. That was very basic, just a linear programming system. It was perfect entrance to programming.
Programming means: using words, using signs, using formations, using structures.
Like in this world: I use this:
-Definitions
-Conditions
-Loops(can be made up by the other three)
-Statements: changing definitions via other definitions used by conditions and loops.

LET BLOG ='My public diary where I type about anything what comes up'.
(So first I define everything what I want to use, the laptop, and everything...)

GOTO/CALL/LOAD 'Laptop'. - That means I go to sit front of the Laptop. And
IF 'I want to blog something about' THEN 'Browse to my Blog'

Open my blog's New post
While ('I have something to write about it){
blogging...
}
Publish Post

Like this. That is very simplified, and just tutorial-like. Anyone can do it who can speak and act. By definition.

This world seems to be a computer program. We have the words: we have the definitions, we have the loops, the conditions, statements, all.
When will be the end? When the program stops. When the interpreter stops. When the computer, the system stops.
But anyway what is the end? Maybe that is also just a definition. A statement.
Interesting part comes: when the child born, does not know any word. Does not know any definitions. And seems to be alive. But in this system, in this society, cant survive without definitions, statements...WHY? Because the system is pushing. Pushing by limited resources.
Pushing by limited parents, by limited possibilities. What can be used only if we participate with word definitions, with word statements, conditions, loops.
The world system is acting like a loop. Literally. Everyone get their perceived 'moments' when in general have been forced to move, participate, involve into the system, by definitions.
Interesting. But heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.
The baby can breath, can cry, can eat, can smile, can touch, can taste, and after a while, can creep, can stand, can walk, can run - and still cant speak! But why the kid needs to learn words? Because of the parents, who only can operate by definitions, statements, conditions, loops - because they already had been forced to be involved to be able to SURVIVE.
And they definied their love, and their care, and all this shit, to be able to transmit all this system to the kid, for SURVIVE.

So what if I stop operate by my definitions. What if I give the opportunity to me to forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use theese definitions, what are obviously not me, but was necessary to survive.
Interesting.
Interesting, from that perspective: I am still in the system as little system as I am using my definitions, as I am using my knowledge(structured definitions) to be able to get money.
By working as a programmer.
I am programming systems in the world, and how?
Well first,
I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed trough words.
and after
I accepted and allowed myself to program myself trough words.
and
I accepted and allowed myself to program a system- what can operate in the world system.
hmm...
I accepted and allowed myself to always focusing this programmed system, to be able to understand, to modify, to alter, to upgrade - when was necessary -- until a point when this system became so robust, so complicated, than I just could be 'in and as' this program(med system). And years passed (many many loops, when I had to adjust), and there were special points, when

obviously I had been faced with my flawed programming ability - trough my own programmed word system was unable to handle something 'in the world system'.
And what I did? I just patched my system, to handle that little irritating situation, by a little local rule(for example: making more definitions, more conditions, more loops) -- instead of just
stopping all and restarting all again...
And the society has been built like that: the human mind program has been built like that:
To not being able to just stop theese systems and live freely...

BUT

If i dit it by words as words, there must be a wayout...
If i just dont speak - nothing changes - my thoughts also working extensively - and apparently also altering, determining, forming my reality. If I think for that ass for example more than 20 times that ' good ass', that's changing something inside me...if I have definitions about this what operating in me as me...

Interesting stuff is just observe babies...
That innocence means something. How awesome would be to 'return to that innocence' somehow...
And there are some words, what are containing the SOLUTION.

Forgive
breath
here
now
honesty
self
self-forgiveness
self-honesty

But how?

I FORGIVE MYSELF:
I give for myself the opportunity to return to innocence, by discharging my definitions, statements, conditions, loops. One by one. I give myself an opportunity to release that definition.

How?
I put this SELF-FORGIVENESS placement right into that definition, what I want to stop.
Let's start with the core:
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use definitions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define! myself trough definitions.

I use the accepted and allowed words to emphasize that fact that I did it, I am responsible, I have to release theese definitions what overruled me, not the politicians, teachers, kengurus, etc...

But the situation is more more serious.
I am using words, and every word has definition. And as I am using theese words, the definitons are hanging on this word. What are just another words. So every word looks like a tree...
We call it association, but in real that are justs overloaded definitions.
I see a number on your shirt and I start to remember when and how I did fuck in a toilet. Nonsense. My own definitions own me. Literally.
Also words are necessary to be disconnect - the definition graph, what is just running always in our mind - and it is BIG - and for the input - always give a popup. What also does the same, and the list goes on...
----------------------
Heath Ledger wrote an article in this topic, as I translated it to hungarian, gave some insight, and quite well describes how humans are just operators of their mind.
----------------------
He mentions that we have the very definition about WHO WE ARE, why we are, and basically by this we define the other definitions...

Words words words...
The truth is more serious...
If I hear a word what I understand - my mind processes it, and that word influences me.
If I hear a word what I understand - my mind can react - and by that react I give power it to exists. To manifest. Or inside me or inside other.

SELF-FORGIVENESS
So theese are specific placements. I have a definition. And I just use forgiveness on that definition , a bit sounds like inserting an other definition - the definition of self-forgiveness
but
- I just not patch, but unpatch, not upgrade with an another definition, but decompose it..
and the connection not really totally dissolves, just becoming loose, becoming not determined..

• And then needs something more -this definition needs to be totally overcome/transcend -
• First of all: by understanding, that is a definition, what is not really me, just what I accepted and allowed and now experiencing -- that is a form of self-honesty
• Needs to remember when the definition is getting be ready to load, to influence, to determine, like ah I see, I am forgiving myself that, now I dont participate - to disconnect
• And just transcend - and sometimes will come back, that is this world's nature, dont concern about, just do not participate without condition...
• And what is the only way, the simplest way to do it (and there is no any fucking way, right here, right now!) just by breathing...just being breath, just breath in, breath out without any definiotion.

What is also very very important: to be able to not just write out theese self-forgiveness words, but SAY OUT ALOUD. To give sound this, to express by and as sound as the statement of me - IIIII FffffOoooooooRrrrrrrGggggggIiiiiiiVvvvvEeeee MmmmmYyyyySssssEeeeLlllFfffff

And that is very effective - to be in the moment, and when a reaction comes up as thought, emotion, feeling, as definition, by definition...just act immediately - do self-forgiveness aloud...
Without condition...because if I have a condition to forgive myself - that is sounds like it is based a definition...yes our mind's nature is very tricky, but somewhere, somehow we just start and do..
as writing, as speaking in self-honesty --- the past just comes up and be able to seen and be able to observe the reactions and just apply self-forgiveness and releasing...

And just to be words, what I am actually...what I actually doing, what I am actually living...
Simply, straightly, in every moment, to be able to speak, act, what I am, not allowing anything less thatn who am I, not allowing to be influenced just with conditions, just by some definitions, furthermore those what I definied in the very past and even do not remember. That is unacceptable. Why? Because I am not only creating my own little reality-bubble, but the whole world...

That was the secret, what has been kept from us, since the begining - the basic principle is ONNESS AND EQUALITY - Every single being is one and equal with all as all as life.

And The world creators just abused this onness and equality, by the acceptance and allowance of us - beings - by creating a world where words have power and everyone became equally slave of a one consciousness system, and believed that we have no responsibility for the world, for our own reality... BUT YES. Every moment we form our reality, and the people are definiing themselves trough their past to the future - and in the moment they cant exists, because too much definitions own, grip, hold...
Needs BRUTAL self-honesty to be able to face with this: we are not our definitions, we are not what we actually have, we are not what we have actually became, just the truth is
THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM ONNESS AND EQUALITY - what we accepted and allowed - now we experience -- until we do not apply SELF-HONESTY, SELF-FORGIVENESS... to just BREATH as nature does, as LIFE IS.