Here mindfuck exposed

I've decided to bring my mindwork onto physical level - the most intense part actually is the desire. So I've decided to face. Continous pushing was necessary and even I discovered some dishonesties according to stop suppressing and be able to 'go with the outflow'. I was clear about the starting point to face with my desire and anyway what else shall I do - transcendence I am as whatever comes, I already created it so see the consequences and breath.
On a chat a girl started to talk with me and after a while we met, and I did not liked her, especially that she is a girl who not really have any self-reflectional ability but I was sure that something she can bring out from me...We talked and did two short kisses, I mean even with tongues...
I was aware that she is not really understanding what is happening, but she was kind of spelled with the picture and her desire mixed with hope...
After first meet, I was aware much more dishonesties, and I did not want to meet with her - because only sex I could imagine with her, but even that barely almost not.
So at second meet I said to her, that I am not sure and things like that, but then somehow a kiss came, and it was interesting to see that how I do not say no, and the question came: why? Many stuff came up...
Meanwhile here is THE girl who I was dreaming several times and she is a manifestation of my self-created brainfuck, because: she is gorgeious, a real beauty within the system, kind of mixture of a picture presentation of a Degas and Renoir painting world what I extremely liked.
So I wanted to meet with her after three dreams with her and obviously I had this desire to see her, talk with her, touch, kiss her and just be with her and see what will happen.
Several times I rejected this urge inside - until a moment when I decided to face.
So we met and was big fun and she influenced me instantly, I changed with her presence.
Somehow she brought up this easy, innocence, pure expression of joy and touch and sharing and the child within me and this is like a honey for the bees - somehow this whole concept what I separated myself from as definition of joy and the lack within me - this what proved to be kind of addictive within me.
In other words, I have this ability to extremely open myself with her presence and in other part, somehow I can become quite dependent and conditional with this kind of influence.
I decided to embrace this whole experience and to let myself go - also I fed up with masturbating not only for pictures but for all ways, and I said that if it is programmed, let's see how the program works and how to influence, change, stop it.
So real 3D girl I decided to meet, and she I reached, and after some meets, she slept with me and she really likes me but somehow there is a wall what can come instantly between us and she looks like does not support my ego because in a moment can just become this distant shining star and I face with myself near her AS MY full blown mind manifestation as this swampy heavy energy manifesting like a form of depression and things like this when 'she does not love me with full power'. This is really like a sickness, like missing something really important within my body to operate normally...so twisted
In fact this is the typical past experience with my first girlfriend and that was really a huge mindfucking dishonest experience and it is somehow an another model of the same dishonesty and it is time to face this again...
So then I decided to direct the situation to go together with her to rainbow gathering and it happened and she came not alone but with two friends so 4 of us were in the tent, and somehow I was a bit disappointed but I did not participated within this but pushed myself to expose my intent just to be with her and go with the expression.
I was sure that I can not hesitate, not anymore, the procastination and the suppression was so intense that I had to turn it out to literally explode me because it was already a huge within me - just like an entity what grows and starts to eat and determine me with my permission but without my direction. So what? I said - intensification I was always, whatever comes, I embrace and breath.
There was a point when I experienced her attention slowly but surely turned to me as I pushed the experience of interacting with her and it was so strange, kind of mushroom trip it was - whatever you think, man, forget it - I do not know what I write anymore, I am writing me as one as equal and no intention, no separation, breath as letters as keyboard as music as expression as breath I express and express and express.
So it was like going trough a maze and at points I am deciding- not even decisions but more likely switches - the lever points inside and one represents something and hold some kind of word-graph within me -- or I turn the lever as presence as breath and physical act and movement to turn it out and literally manifest this self-definition into phyisical expression.
At one point it was so complex, I was starting to lose it and for a moment even at the rainbow family I was alone - flabegasting pure virtual mind-lock-in as within the acid trips before it flips to silence - I was like ok let give it up, ALL I GIVE UP, because I was having this intense head pulling experience, kind of headache but more phyiscal than just headache - and I said some self forgiveness and stabilized myself for the moment and realized that I am really after this experience so anyway, no way back - I have to continue - and my desire already manifested specifically and I just wanted to collect all my mind-tentacles to point to her and see what happens and finally at one point simply stop by realizing the direct hereness.

I was speaking with my friend who suggested to read Gurdjieff some years ago and somehow understands much, and even loves Andrea from the desteni farm hahaha(yet says self forgiveness no need to push so much as I do) - anyway we talked and I said him about I have this one dead stop just before I 'reach the peak of the whole experience' when I used to use substances to kick myself over. And he said that then I do not want it really - And I asked myself aloud about Gy(the girl) and in fact yes - I was not sure about I want to be with her closely - the compounded shit about previous experiences with girls and my doubt and fear and disbeliefs and all that as it manifested as this system - made me stop.So I was fearful that if I open myself - I can burn myself and that was really a lost when ten years ago I did - so this doubt I burned into myself, so at this moment I dared to push myself...
He also said that self trust is bullshit as it can be deception because why I need to trust, when I AM - and I realized also that the self trust as I defined - separation- let go of definition of self trust...so cool...
And then I realized that I already chosed, now I am here to understand it - a' la Matrix story, and in the next moment I said that I want this and I face.

Very very soon an old friend(kind of second father of D made lightsignals from distance
and then we heard his shouts, and we ran - he had heartattack, he could not breath, so I got an already ringing phone from somebody to speak with ambulance, to order a helicopter because in other way he can die right here in any moment...
I was aware that my 'compounded energy' virtual 'decisions' can influence physical experience around me and it was fascinating to observe myself how I define myself according to this coincidence...
So then chopper could not come, and when the directions they asked, I gave the phone to somebody who could describe the best way to the camp, ambulance started to come, and it was really within nature, so it was a while.
Rainbow hippies of course made handholding OM saying circle to pray and meditate and all of this energy stuff, I did not wanted to participate and also took a pee, so I walked away, and found Gy within the tent and just wanted to explore her expression near her and she said she was expecting the other guy and I became quite serious and kind of cold - the mind-shield started to shine but in the next moment I just left and said very well, I am here and I am breath - embrace all of this, and inbreath all outbreath all.
I already realized some days before that I suppressed extensively the outbreath - more likely I do a deep inbreath and then not being aware the outbreath and allowing mindwork.
Also the polarity and the self-creation as self-dishonesty is very related to my habit of my outbreath-style.
So I pushed, and I held two girl's hand within the circle around the old guy who was quite in trouble and I breathed until the vain came what took the old guy to ambulance.

Meanwhile somehow I realized how on acid trips we used our mind-focus-intent to forge as one some years ago - for instance 3 of us, we were what we did and until everything focused onto one point and in the next moment the whole concept as construct of manifested words just flew and we remained as one.
Interesting, I was having to be alone and I decided to give it up and enjoy myself, and push myself anyway without her - as she went to meditation with one of the guys from the tent. In that point I was even not sure that she wants to be with him or with me - I felt like it is a test what she does wih herself and with the guy and with me, so I was almost to ask the guy about this situation but somehow it did not happened...
This I was sure that made me ambigous - also that she is so filled with the tibetian buddhism as I was years before - before I realized the deception within myself.
I see them as me - I embrace them but I say what I am having to say - interesting to explore what words they can hear, and very fascinating to realize what words they simply do not hear. Also I realized as I write that they are aware of some of my dishonesties, as I am about 'theirs' but the direct one and equal expression is the only way to express to support all as one as equal...
After the serious quietness was fading at the campfire - and she went to meditate with the other guy - and I fed up swirling inside, I sat to the fire around the others in the dark and I played with my jewsharp and somehow it was just coming and coming and I was one and equal as expression as the instrument and I played long and intense, never intense like this, and my hand did not hurt, and I felt like I reached a point where it does not matter how long I play - hands, mouth wont be tired anymore - I easily changed the positions with my hand and still was playing cool and within tempo and somehow even I had the ability to direct it's flow as a whole story... I was fascinated and enjoyed, and when I finished and people enjoyed it and asked me, I became humble, I just said it just compounded within me and I had to express...
Then Gy came back and sat down somewhere at the other side of the fire and at that moment I was quite stable and I was quite stable yet fascinated about my statement related to her - as I decided fully to want to be with her...
Yet I was sitting and just playing with drums and speaking with people and then Gy asked me to lay down to her and under her was the other guy and it looked funny as three of us were laying together, kind of a sandwich...After a while we decided to play 'flying' when one is holding the another at the hip part with foot and kind of 'make the other fly by feet while the other is like flying...
So I was laying on the ground and I was holding her hands and pulling her onto me and holding her only by my sole in the air but I could not manage it fully, so she fell down..
Then we changed the role, she was holding me but I fell down again..Then Gy asked a girl to help to make this - and they played for a while and then Gy was better - and then she tried to hold me by her sole in the air, but we could not manage it...after some trial, we did it, and it was very cool...we did this before together already, about two or three years ago when we were high on mushroom...So it was cool, and she laid down onto me and we breathed together and spoke much and hugged and fondled for a long while.
We were together for a long time and everything was cool and I realized that I can do anything if I do not hesitate and even if it is mindfuck, I am me and release it as who I am as all life. Because if I do not realize and release - yet still suppressing it - I am of it -- so then better to face and realize and open and be self-honest and apply practical self forgiveness by stopping inner reactions...

There were some points when I realized somehow Gy was aware about many stuff as she said some points when I had to realize that she is still directing the situation and did some placements to not blow the whole stuff away, like between us an other guy slept in the tent(and also the other guy) and these guys are kind of cool faces, ok they are also the same buddhist as I was, but anyway I enjoyed them also as me.

So next morning I realized that Ive changed so much only from the fact that she likes me and allows me to touch, hug, raise, fondle and enjoys it and slowly but surely starts to open for me. I had some moments when I was facing with suppressions but I was physical expression, and slowly but surely inside I was really quiet.
Also at foodcircle(when everybody eats) a girl asked Gy about how comes that she is with 3 boys, and which one is her boyfriend, and she said that none, and the other guy who she was also for some time and I was curious about what she wants from him - she said, he is her brother, and 'maybe an another will be boyfriend, will see' - so I was like this is also a kind of interesting speak and I simply did not allowed to move inside - so that moment it was like 'joy' yet with polarity about how mindfucked I am...Anyway...
Several spoke and naked baths and sunbathes we took and all of day two of us(the other guys were far) we were absolutely together, helping in the kitchen, going to pee, playing music together with the others and all stuff...it was really cool, the rainbow gathering is very cool anyway and even with the dishonesties(like spiritual mystic bullshit and separations) I decided to stand and see and realize and stop inner reactions about it...

At that day, it was the third day when we had to come to home very soon, so after a loong farewell from others at the camp(from all one by one, big hugs) and in a bath when we were four within the water and playing(2 girls, 2 boys), we played kissing arounds and she kissed me deep and basically we kissed all around and then first time we kissed really and it was very cool...
Then we started to go home(out to the village to the car) and hand by hand we walked trough the forest out to the village and interesting realizations I experienced.

I mostly never liked to hold a girl's hand only when I really liked her. Because somehow it required some full blown commitment and it was only with Cica before...
Now I just grabbed her hand and enjoyed - I was really surprised that I open myself up so much with her... Fascinating how much me I separated from myself by the definition of 'the most beautiful girl inside and outside as well as I perceive'.
Because obviously I required this to reunite with her - because I found her outside from me what I lack - the beauty, the joy, the innocence, the flow, uninhibited expression and all of this - I judged myself as I am not these...
So I placed myself into this situation and I had to realize that she I love.
We found a disturbed 'LOVE' sign put together from woodsticks on the ground on the dirtroad as we left the rainbow camp and it was disturbed, many pieces were all over the place and Gy and me put it back together the letters to repair the word LOVE. lol

Also I had to realize that I separated myself from the word love - because I decided to not love myself, and here I am within this kind of strange love.
But it is mindfuck, we talked about it, and somehow I trusted myself without thinking about trust - I breath and I walk trough and as the wholeness of everything and assist myself as her as one as equal to realize who we are as life.
So then we stopped at a big lake, called Balaton towards home and we swam and played in the water and also kissed, and there was the swim scene.
The others(the two boys and an other girl) remained alongside the coast and Gy swam deep inside, and I followed her and I stopped when I realized maybe I am not so good swimmer, as I did not even swim since two years from that point when at Goa I was hit at the searocks so hard that my hip almost broke.
Fascinating.
So then I saw that quite far she stopped and looket after me, so I just swam after her and I was just breathing and moving within and as the water.
We hugged each other and kissed and then swam towards the sunset...
After we joined to others and played some more and the interesting stuff that the other boys are also liked to play with her but after a point they stopped, and somehow it was obvious that they are interested in her but not really, what I did not understand but it was good point to see that am I jealous or not and some points I felt like this but I also said self forgiveness several times and I pushed myself and I breathed and embraced - or I expressed like this...
Then we kissed some more and hugged and laughed and when we came home - it was really shocking to enter the dark, stinky, foggy city with the people - that was like total oppose of the nature and the kind, quite opened hippies - but I embraced and did not allowed myself to sink down, because I was aware that all of this I am - not polarity I am, so I open myself and breath.
And I asked her, when we kiss again and she said, at Ozora(one month later) a goa festival, and I was a bit disappointed, so at that moment all of me was quite exposed that I expected something and then I did not get so I was empty and even I forget my starting point as breath for some moments, and then she kissed me some more times and then I said to her as we hugged that ' I release you' and smiled and then I walked away...towards home...
At home my flat was dirty and dark and I just threw down all my clothes and went to sleep.
I was also interested to fing Gy at the internet once and I found a name in a pairhunter place what has similar than her and I was kind of interested about maybe she is, but then I realized that she is not her - I felt myself like after acid trips...
totally changed I felt - I was not interested to sit at the front of the computer, and playing or things like that - I wanted to write, write all of this, and express self forgiveness and release self dishonesties but I was already tired, so in the morning I woke up and also I experienced some hope about maybe she will reach me over phone but of course nothing happened.
Also I realized that everything happened is a gift, I am all, and if I define myself according to polarity, I am not whole and I manifest shit.
Even today I felt like splitted - as gifted by the moment when I am expression with her - and shocked as how I am dependant to this girl to be kind of 'whole' - what is obviously not real because without her I felt myself like this 'body filled with moving mud' kind of physical manifestation of the mind demon within myself.
Also I had burned myself really red before, and I had this ambigous feeling within my body, and also maybe I still have ticks - we spoke about we will check each other but it did not happened, and Gy did it with the other guy and I was not there so that's it...
Afternoon I went to bank to take out my salary and I called her to meet because she works on street, but did not picked it up, so I went back to workplace.
When I infiltrated into subway without ticket, the checker man came after me and kind of shouted to me about ticket and what the fuck I think why they are at the entrance, and I said well I have nothing, I just come and that's it, and he was quite aggressive and then said 'then just go' and I said thank you, and somehow I felt myself vulnerable, and then I walked back to office and continued to work like a kicked out dog lol.
Then Gy called me and said she had several ticks and I should check myself and also said that she will meet me on this week because she has my blanket and I also has something what I have...
Then I had this itchy feeling all over my body and I wrote to her about it would had been cool if I was checked after ticks by her and 'anyway please check that on me when you come'...and also the other girl who I met twice before, asked about meet and I did not answered, and I felt like the center of the polarity and experiencing the two edge of the frequency domain and seeing those as one big mindfuck.
Very well, it is mostly the story, and I am here, and I fed up my dishonesty, and I am here to forgive myself because I contained so long this bullshit since twelve years...

I am not sure that it is mindfuck to be with her and see how we embrace this situation, but will see... I directed this, because at this moment she is the only one who I could be - not within relationship, but in any way whatsoever - Agreement? I do not know - but I do not accept anything less than who I am and I do not accept anything less than who she really is and I do not hesitate to intervene to show her nature and if we wont met anymore, then not, but until I enjoy and expose my fears and dishonesties and embrace the mind and exploring practical knowledge about who I am and push myself to remain inner silent and breath in and breath out and support her within her realization as me.

So self forgiveness after a cup of water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.
Also I write down Veno -self forgiveness - relationship.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I require and need another separate from me to fullfill and complete me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept myself as incomplete and unfullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from myself as another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek and search for love in another from who and which I have separated me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'love'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'relationship'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to be complete and fullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another separate from me to be loved and to experience love.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to consider the words 'falling in love' - only noticing and considering the word love in the equation and not the word 'fall'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dream and wish and hope and desire to be 'whisked' and wiped off my feet by an eligible attractive man or attractive beautiful woman of which I pictured in my mind as being: The One.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condition and conform to society by desiring and wanting and needing a must-have relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to influence and change myself to attract a hopeful possible partner.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'knees going weak' and 'butterflies in the stomach' are actually experiences of me instead of realizing they are manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually literally 'buy into' the ludicrousness of the fact that love actually exists.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that love and relationship is the trap of this world to remain pre-occupied in 'my own world' instead of opening my eyes and ears to see and hear what's really going in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'fall' into the trap of the mind as love and relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define love and sex under the category of the manifestation of a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become blind and deaf by the overwhelming experiences of feelings and emotions within a relationship and closed myself off and separated myself from the rest of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a relationship as an escape from the world to not have to face the world I exist in and experience myself within.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will 'find' and 'discover' myself within a relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that emotions and feelings for another separate from me are actually experiences of me as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire, want and need a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to merely accept and allow emotions and feelings for another separate from me - believing such emotional and feeling experiences to be 'normal' and 'okay', because everyone else is also experiencing them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to enjoy 'being loved' by another - instead of accepting joy as me as the expression of me as self love.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to love myself and because of this - I went on a journey to find, search and seek love elsewhere.
I forgive myself that I have nt allowed myself to realize that by me wanting, desiring, wishing and needing a relationship - I was actually asking for a relationship with me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to ever in my life, not once in my life, consider me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to start a relationship and go on a relationship quest - because that's what the rest of the world is doing - so most obviously: I must do it as well.
I forgive myself that I have alllowed sex, relationship and love to become my obsessions, oppression and suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resist myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take me for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define holding, cuddling, fondling, kissing and sex as intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that love and relationship actually exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe, perceive and think that others who are in relationship are happy and content - not really knowing or understanding that what they are projecting is the lie to the world and the deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust my thoughts feelings and emotions instead of me trusting myself as who I am of life within and oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself and by this judgement requiring and needing another separate from me to love me, appreciate me and adore me because I apparently couldnt and cant for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is ridiculous.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is too simple and fallible to actually assist and support me in what I am experiencing within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and condemn my own words.
I forgive myself that I have even allowed to give the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions the 'time of day' and taking for granted the breath of life as life of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in a relationship with another.
I forgive mylse fthat I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that God created male and female as is to experience the apparent joys and wondrous ecstasy and euphoria of sex and to make babies and start a family.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live by laws and regulations of society of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that people who've beein in relationships actually knows anything of relationships and have allowed myself to fllow the example of other love sick puppies lost in the mind as I am.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to notice the word 'sick' in 'love sick puppies' and only notice the word love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to have power over me and power of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive and dishonour and lie to myself in the name of love, relationship and sex.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be intimate with me - self-intimacy is the key of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my parents were actually 'happily married' and that I'd also want to have an experience like that with anoother: Relationship, marriage, home, car, children, successful business and money.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have 'fallen' head over heals' for the deception and manipulation and lies of the system when 'falling head over heals' for another separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to Gy to call me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to want and wish and desire to Gy to see me, hug me, kiss me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not love myself if I desire to be loved with another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as unfullfilled, as lacking, as hoping, as depending.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to own Gy to have it for me as my precious, because I put worth and walue into my definition of her and by that balancing the polarity of self-unacceptance and self-dishonesty as self-deception as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not requiring somebody to fullfill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself in order to avoid to be vulnerable and hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath in as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath out as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have Gy with me and to be loved with her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that I want a beautiful and expressive girl like Gy to be with me who gives her attention to me and receiving my attention and stimulating each other to have this joy bubble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discipline myself to remain physically here and then accepting myself to live by my thoughts and saying that 'I release it and realize' - even when it is obviously self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for her call because then it would mean that she would like to be with me, so then I am worthy, so I am good enough, so I am somebody, so I am real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself as 'joy'.
I forgive myself that I have separated myself from the word 'joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'joy' by pictures within my mind and define 'my' 'joy' according to my self-created self-deception-based definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have her with me.

---
Self corrective application.

I express myself and I offer my support - but I do not accept myself as desire, I do not accept myself as dependance.
I express myself as joy and I express myself as innocence but I stop desire for touch, kiss, sex - yet I do not suppress the expression as myself.
I do not accept anything less than who I am as inner silence as life as oneness and equality.
I do not accept myself as desire, I do not lie to myself and I do not deceive myself anymore.
I do not fuck myself with the illusion of love because this is killing me. It is killing my head, my body, myself - this mind is phyisically manifesting trough my emotions my lack, my fear, my dishonesty - I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISHONESTY.
I apply self forgiveness, I move, I change, I live, I breath, I stand.
I release her, I let go her, I do not wish to be with her because when I wish after her - I am not here, I am not me, I am not inner silence as expression.
I stop associating to her by popping up mind pictures about her face, her hand, her tits, her pussy, her thigh, her foot, her hair, her sound, her tongue.
I am here, I delete these definitions, I stop all mindwork, I am here, what is physically here - real, what is not here - it is not real.
I stop pretend that I am inner silent when I am not, and I ask her to assist me to dare me to be inner silent and stand alone.
I breath naturally when she looks to me, I breath naturally when she wants something for me and I discover the deception within this already manifested deception and release by stopping participate and that's it.
I do not close myself into a mind bubble in order to escape from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I forgive my dishonesty about her, then she will call me -self deception I stop.
I forgive myself that expect her to answer to my message yet realizing that this would be just a food for my ego - even when in fact maybe really I still have ticks on my body where I could not check myself.
Also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to take olive oil to the gathering, even when the mostly I wanted this, but I procastinated and I wanted to ask Gy to bring it and then I just suppressed to ask her and then we did not have olive oil...
Olive oil is extremely supporting under intense sun, because it helps to make skin oily what protects and repairs the skin...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from olive oil.
So in short- this happened in last days - will see what happen, I will write more -- because:
- this is real shit within me, the desire for very beautiful girl and then the manifested mind-experience of 'love sick' within the body, this kind of heavy unconfortable sad feeling as self-defeat: when this occurs - I stand, I lay down and I breath, and I embrace, and I relax into and as the experience and show to the system as me that this is who I am - come join me and be one and equal and then I direct, and I stop as one as equal within oneness and equality.

mark

Mark
Painfriendly straightwalking warming citybreeze as feelingless directive unsuppressed extension.

Facenhit what opposed as boss level retry saved & tomorrow will be reloaded as unconfigured service refused as typo negative occured secret bloody tiredness of swampy fustiness by unopened retreat of inbloom soundflowers of self.


At caffee as ox-western post-attitude with those unreal huggirls and 2D boy-assets and the bitter de-aggressioned beauty of service as bar as job as shiny skin with teared black ex-jungle-Jane costume and smart and smooth painwalk out to by very soon.

not enough

I lost my satisfaction.
I am here and I am conscious how much dishonesty I am allowing. The conscious word can be describing as if I would be aware - then I would not even allow this for a long...
Strange, but I want much more than I can do at this moment, but this brings up the question that how 'much' I can do related to actually what I do?

What is bothering me within me is this addiction to energy and it is absolutely not here when I am with others - but if I am alone - I have this experience of realizing 'old' habits and within the next moment I say: 'I wont do that again' - kind of resistance - and then I am within a state that I can really believe that this is enough - but in fact some examples already showed me that it is not enough: as if I say for instance, I feel this urge - let's say desire to be aroused - then I immediately resist - saying 'NO' - but obviously I say 'NO' as a self-containment, self-calming, some kind of manifesting hope - instead of seriously, accuratedly practically living this NO.
And it is quite 'maintainable' until my so called 'energy' does not drop. For instance getting sleepy and tired. Then instead of going to rest or a short body-resting meditation - - I use the arousing method by pictures and then I am not tired.
Even if could happen that I start to look pictures or movies what make me aroused - and strange because I do not want to stop being aroused - simply 'enjoying myself and then it's done' - because then I would get this kind of shame/regret/energy drop and then I would be at the same point when I started to be aroused...
But am I not seeing that when I am getting aroused, I am not myself, because this arousedness is growing growing and I am not directing anymore but I am giving myself into this arousedness until I am really tired or the release is just happens - like touching myself and having an energetic orgasm and then it's over - but until that I am just arousing myself...and then being 'defeated' because I was dishonest because I aroused myself with pictures.
This picture-obsession somehow stopped being within my head - and I am quite uncapable directly 'imagining' pictures, girls, things etc within my head anymore - it was seriously developed but somehow it is not feels cool. because it is so transparently self-deception.
So physical pictures, movies I use and inside still react and this reaction makes me aroused and makes me away from here and interesting that then I am loosing my direction.
And meanwhile there are some opportunities about one-two girl would be glad to be with me within the bed but in fact I do not want this really... Maybe with one girl I would want - but then I am still aware that this is also self-deception, and it brings up some doubt about this 'desire'.

So I simply fed up with all of this shit, so I am writing myself out of this and finding a practical way to stand up and embrace all and be here as breath and self-directive principle as self-honesty and self-forgiveness...

-
How this happened? I made myself a strange statement about now I do not have for self-pushing as my time all goes for work and issues what I desired for to manage and those I've defined as necessary for what I want to do later on, especially related to music, film.

So as I stopped to apply self forgiveness on a disciplined way such as some months ago I applied - something started to compound and I was aware of it of course but I was like some time I could live - and this was separation, self-deception, self-containment, self-procrastination.

Well, it's about time to realize what I jumped onto.
Some points I realized within this last years since I injected some rules into my days.
These rules were for such an experiment:
-No alcohol, no drugs, no meat -- at all: 18 months were I rejected these and how affected me?

Alcohol was obviously the first one what I had to step. When I say to somebody that I NEVER drink it anymore, people tend to suspect that I am an alcoholic. LOL. And if I mention that my father WAS an alcoholist - the circle is closed...I do not go into verbal muscletest anymore, rather I use common sense: alcohol has bad effect on me and I am not myself when I drink and it is literally killing my body, so why should I poison myself? Even when people do say 'a little is good' - I do not agree and they do not realize that that little also alters their mind - from their perspective - 'for good'. Hmm. How sceptic I am.
Drugs. Strange - interesting to see how much I've defined myself as drug, as drugged, habits related to drugs and people related to drugs. I've just cut myself away from these. Some I am still in contact with(people) but most are gone(from my live).
Interesting realization that since I stopped smoking and blowing my mind, I work at a place - no change, no escape, no travel, no need loan etc...
So much I've spent for drugs before! Holy shit, hundreds of thousands month by month...
But also I experience this kind of 'digging into'-sness - I am a bit digged at this moment - this consciousness I am within - and AS - before my tool was the acid and mushroom to not allow myself to deeply interact with this society - I've defined myself as a some sort of shaman who is living at the edge of the common consciousness and doing these trips within the vast undefined for exploration of self.
But this is over - I am exploring my own consciousness, my own mindness, my own self-created self-containment as referred as Talamon as Jozsef Berta within this human society.
The acid was a handy tool to remove all connections with the 'outer world' from my perspective - but as I see it now - it was a defense mechanism. It was a mechanism what I used to not being touched by the world, to be able to go into my 'crystal-palace' to remain as I perceived myself to be.
Now I am here and no more blow - and I see that when I do not fuck my mind with substances - I am quite similar than the others - pretty much - I mean - what the fuck?
Wake up, going to work, sitting at the computer, being busy with buying, eating, playing, desiring for woman and power and money and of course time - and then going to sleep and dreaming intensely and on the next day start all over -- of course spiced with some tiredness, pain, resistance.

This no-drug strategy made me aware about who I really became within this existence.
The self-honesty, and self-explorative self-intimated writing with the specific, absolute living expression of self-forgiveness is the solution.
What I've transcended already? Well I do not know, even I do not care, but I am aware that I still tend to being mind-fucked by a pretty girl face when I allow myself to define it 'beautiful' - this is what I became aware some days ago...
Interesting because I do not want to have a relationship, I do not want to being addicted to arousement, I do not want to be with a girl only for sex and I do not want to lie(for myself and for anybody else) about this - especially when somehow being with a girl and then I am not directing but my desire is manifesting and I move(for instance kissing a girl who I do not want to kiss really) and then this brings up some strange events, like for instance that particular girl want me in bed and I do not want it but if I do not stand up and say what is inside then the event will occur and will be intense as it is not being directed as me as one as equal but somehow it is being determined by the suppression, dishonesty to reveal who I became to realize who I am not to be able to realize what is real here.

Hm so interesting. Even my sight is quite liquid - at this moment is is not so sharp than some days before - will see... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to see what is near me.
This indicated that I do not see what is directly here, because I see pictures within my mind...
So drugs - sometimes this urge can come up about 'let's eat some grams of mushroom' to clear my mind but I am also sceptic with that stuff, even when I could say that is the most 'natural' shit of all...
Because it would not be an escape and step-back? For sure yes...
But this brings up the fact that I can pretend something what I am not, so everything is compounding, and it is really systematic, and I still tend to listen to it and 'giving myself into' it as a slave, as a drone of the system by trsting within the system about 'it will give me the best' - instead of realizing that is self-deception, I am not taking self-responsibility.
Because the fact is that I am here, right here within this 3D existence and I have to do everything for myself - noone else will do it -- and I am sure that I do not want to fuck myself up by dieing on a day and realizing that I missed the opportunity to stop the mind stabiliy within 3D, just because I had excuses and desires...

So let's stop desire - not slowly, but directly, not participating - and I did some times already - when I tend to react and being attracted - I say self-forgiveness and direct myself to be here and breath and kind of embracing the whole of me and 'teaching myself' to release by realizing that is not necessary.

Because also so much I would like to do but this urge about desire makes me move on a way what take my 'precious' time totally when I do not work at the office...

Somehow this DISCIPLINE what I still lack.
And when I 'had' this before - that was with drugs - the drug was transformed into discipline, even without drugs, because I had just remind me that this is the same when I am on drugs, and that was so often, that all was melted into one...

Discipline I need? How and when and why and with what I've separated myself from discipline?

This samurai mentality I've defined as useful - and I've spent quite amount of 'time' to persuade myself that I am developing discipline - it was by motivation - I wanted something and this discipline I've used - but in fact this was never real from the literal meaning of discipline.
For instance when I paint - I pain, I mean I am painting. This can be referred as discipline - but no artificial injection was necessary - because I was the brush, the color, the paper - so I manifested myself as the painting.

So the discipline I've defined as something abstract what is a kind of universal energy - and this discipline was well maintainable with weed - when I wanted to play or make music - I smoked and I did it for hours - and when I wanted to paint - I smoked and then I painted. So the drugs were kind of pointers within my mind - and of course the effect - because when I used weed, I liked when it has real effect, not just some - because then I had the perception that 'I had enough stuff' - or more than was necessary - and this came from the idea of egodeath - with acid - when it was not too much - it was not enough - because when it's too much - then the ego is struggling with it's survival - and when it's too much - the ego cant contain all - so it is being pushed down or being explored -- of course for a while only - but that 'time' was quite enough for me to 'pace myself' and get rid of the latest connections with existence to remain this kind of 'abstract, untouched' person.
Because I had burned myself several times and I tried to avoid it...
For instance with love, with people, with myself - and I was in panic but with psychedelics, I could program myself to contain all this shit and sometimes push it down and sometimes just simply blow it all away(the mind-set-tree-consciousness system diagram what was used for defining who I am)...

But this always 'grew' back - it was so organic - after the trips, thought by thought similar I've built up and the interesting was that every time I've built it up - somehow it accomodated more likely than the previous...
I've called these as 'lives' just like reincarnation within the same body...
But I had the struggle to handle this with common sense...

These charging outs were the starting point of my self-definition, because these were the only one stable point within my life -- I mean the life what I wanted to see for myself by myself as myself -- and the other sides I never even considered to look at it, the shadow of me...
The shadow of me what was the 'real' part of me what made me grow as the opposite...

And this shadow had the fear, doubt, disbelief, the regret, the shame and the tiredness, agression, depression.

These I've contained as suppression or denied as attention divertion and the whole mystic exploration were about to (re?)discover these as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procastinate.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath here as moment as me as life as me as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define time and by my definition I am within the limit of time, by participation of time I am within and as time - and as this I am only my own limit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time, instead of realizing that time is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am alone, I am tend to use thoughts instead of being here as act as the living words.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was compromising myself by defining that I do not have time for self exploration and self honesty instead of realizing that was an act as attempt of trying to escape from myself, to deny who I am already to be able to avoid self-responsibility for myself as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define something about to 'not to' - and if I am not push myself to remain here - then when I am not the directive principle - it will be made by myself indirectly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not the directive principle when I give myself into definitioins, hope or projecting out the self-trust, to be able to see, because I doubt myself and then doubting the whole real-ness of me -- and by this revealing myself to myself about I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for having sex with woman to prove myself that I am worthy for being a company for women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy when I am able to be with woman and giving pleasure to her and when I am not doing this for a while, questioning myself about am I real man?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to arousedness to fight against tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself and wanting to fight because I've defined some parts of me as stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being controlled by others by my desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define faces as beautiful and being attracted to these beautiful faces.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am attracted to that what I've defined as beautiful because I defined myself as separated from beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I give up on myself even for a breath - I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express self-interest, not considering all as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to develop practical solution to stop participate within arousedness by accepting and allowing it because I am defining myself as it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to say what I do and to do what I say as one as equal all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself because I did not stand up unconditionally when I had something defined as 'bad' within childhood, because I had not practical solution how to stand up for and as me and then defining myself as this 'did not stand up' and then becoming angry with myself about 'why' instead of realizing how it happened and how to stop it in all ways...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with multiple beings because I defined this as missing from my life because for years I did not dared to be with a girl and it compounded - release it unconditonally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'go forwards' within my head and defining what is here as 'unimportant' or 'unnecessary' or 'boring' or 'bad' and by not being here, not being aware of the deception as separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire Gyongyos to be with and fondle her body and touch her because I've defined her as beauty. I delete this definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have somebody within my mind as an altair to worship with to being occupied and exclude the whole world except her to not need to take responsibility for all as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the game about 'let's manifest dishonesty to be aware of it because it is so ingrained and suppressed, I even am not aware of it, so just let is come out/up' - and then being obsessed with it and literally forgeting how and why I am allowing it - smells like 'loosing myself within and as consciousness'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself even for a second, because it would mean that I do not trust me, so I am not real.

ok for now, that's it

discipline will breath presence

Machines and direction

Shortly.
Machines. Here machines are fucked up. About 7-8 times I installed the operating system and this one is still not clear - I mean trojans, viruses, these tiny, almost unreal bastards are real pain in my virtual ass within my external physical devirtualized memorybag called hard drive...
To reinstall the opsys on this laptop - is just like going to take a shit - became quite regular in this last week, I did not do anything particular only formatting, installing, ok some movies I saw, those were spectacular, but anyway, I am getting enough - so now I am running these antiviruses to rid of the shit : VIRUT.NBP
I found interesting how I allow the compromise within my life and in fact I see that what I dreamed before is going to manifest almost literally and in fact I can stop it but as I desired it - it is already here, if I anticipate, if I deny - too late - so better to face and breath...
I even could not refer it as 'bad' as this could be very handy later on, but I had this kind of sense that I am not the directing principle fully here, and the question is why and how I accept it - with my acknowledge and responsibility.
The price of rice - I mean: time as money?
So this tiny studio takes all my coins away but if I pretend to play that it is so close - well, if I am fucking myself - if all my desires are drifting me away from breath here - then I am the unreal separation of conditional externalized virtual creation somewhere over the rainbow within the electric sparks around one tiny atom...

The dreams - The dreams are telling what I do not face physically - the support if I manifest it trough definitions by past -I am not transcending only re-pe(a)ting myself with the illusion of choice and the justification of attention divertion as an onionized self-abused self-mind-upgrading ascension?

Not at all I am exploring this english language as I am fully aware these letters I am here or as I am breath as pushing keys as keyboard and smelling the lights trough my nose as this air is what I am breathing or the intacted outcome of my expression - is this who I am or I am wondering about wondering myself?

So dreams words connections keys ?

lonely appretiation entertainment respect joy embrace give away, stand, fight, will, walk

self forgiveness assist me these days to remain stable but some points are not deep enough
and when I am within the push - I am not surprised that the push is only push when I mean it...
so let me explore when and how I will myself and when and how I don't - I mean how I will to unwill myself?

one fun:
I was working with the QA(test-engineer)guy and we did not find the problem of the code, and I said: ok, fuck it, let's debug it and stop at the point what we are suspect to be bad and he just told me with a tone like freaked on a directed, funny way and he said:
-No, no, no, don't debug it!
-Why, let's do this
-No, no, dont debug it, a real man never debugs, just run it, it will work, do it, man, do it!

That was the moment of LOL. Of course We did the debug and helped up our ass trough that bug after ten minutes but that was something real fun...

What else I should mark without question...
I met with a girl and we had a kiss or something like that and later on I lost my interest about her, even she shared her interest about me -- strange -- why and how I managed to meet and how and why I did not wanted to have sex with her -- I mean it's strange...

Anyway I could not even do my extra job, because of the opsys continously is fucked up, so reinstalling all the time anyway, but the new machine is on it's way already, so I wont have this machine problem very soon and as I mentioned my dream comes true and I will have my studio quality sound system with a very specific kind...I am quite sure about this, even I decided to take serious amount of money back there to start to prepare for traver for later on - I could not let this go near me, because with this I can do any kind of music, to any kind of area whatever I will - I mean real, badass studio producion quality and somehow start to manage to make some real stuff and start to script and build up my second CV - as the first is my programmer IT developer about several years of company experiences - and the second one will be based on music and video to be able to slowly but surely change my work from programming to studio quality music and video - quite soon...
Will see... will share soon...
Also I opened a new blog, that will be used for sharing some practial shit about my physical movements, also the tech stuff and some artistic stuff... If I will be able, I will kick that off too - but first I will have to write several hours about to express and express myself and explore some self forgiveness points and stabilize...

Self forgiveness - satisfaction, self-deception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted.
I forgive myself that I habe accepted and allowed myself to deliberate myself with the idea of choice.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to discipline myself because of the fear of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure instead of realizing that I am here and I express and I trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear from failure, because within the past I had some intense experiences when I perceived as failure and defining myself and my abilites according those experiences instead of releasing and exploring what is here and express myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to discipline myself to be breath and act immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not enough to 'not to think' but be aware the breath - be the breath and express myself AS breath - because if not - then I can deceive myself with participation within thoughts and definitions again without noticing it - only when already made myself 'away from here', 'away from breath' and acting as a definition-systematic-expression instead of being always here as breath as life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am starting something without being aware of the breath - I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not expressing myself as the breath and stopping the thoughts and explore what is here - then I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept to 'miss' a breath even for a moment - I am deceiving myself and I am not here - and I am not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept to miss a breath even for a moment - even when I am typing - I am not self-honest - because I am not here as expression, only pre-definied system-manifestation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself trough my human physical eyes such as pictures of things, objects, beings and defining those and defining myself according to these images - and then defining the world according to the already defined relationship between my self-definition and the definition of others-things.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am accepting myself as not being aware the breath and express myself not as the breath, just 'doing something 'intuitively or automatically' - Ithen I am not self-honest, I am not here as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not aware of the breath - then it becomes my habit and then it becomes my perception about who I am and when I accept myself as this 'being unaware of the breath' - I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in order to escape from what is here, who I am and what I have already accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stimulate myself according to have my satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care only for satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction as joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from satisfaction, and then acting according to 'get' satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction as purpose.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I used the word satisfaction as an excuse to not stand up as all as one as equal as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have my own satisfaction because I have defined myself as unsatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unsatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as unsatisfied because I've defined things what are the conditions to have or to get or to experience to have my satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the absent of satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss satisfaction instead of realizing that I am not considering to stop missing it and realize that I am everything already here.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I deceive myself when I say - ok I see it is dishonesty, but anyway, I will do it to realize my deception -- and I do it and I do not realize and I do not change - so I remain as the self-dishonesty - then I am the responsible directly for separation not for myself but for all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can stop addiction so simply just not participate anymore but I have to will myself and decide - and the motivation should not be less than all as one as equal as me within oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only by motivation instead of self expression as moment as breath as inner silence.

Forgiveness self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within the whining when things do not happen as i would like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate things what happen around me or to me when I experience dislikes - instead of being myself as directing principle and be one and equal with and as the situation - because then I am directly responsible and noone can be blamed only myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid direct involvement into acts because then I would have the responsibility - or more likely I would have to face with the direct reflection of my act - because I did something and then the consequence is directly here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself when things happened on a different way as I wanted to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whine to my mother when she gave me mashed potatoes with melted cheese what she did in microwave oven because complaining of the hotness and heat of the stuff and for the one melted cheese peace because I am unable to chew it because of my mouthscars.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my mother to do what I want - and if not then I could blame her and not realizing that she does what she believes as best for me and if I am not sharing what I want or not directly doing - then I am the responsible, not her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my mother to serve me automatically instead of being me here the directing principle and not using anybody to please me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from intense pain within my mouth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from pain within my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what my dreams about - about what I miss as transcendence point within the physical experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what I dream to not being aware about what I miss as dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest my fears to face them instead of being absolute self honest and releasing them unconditionally as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I decide to think - I am compounding mind-energies what will charge out somehow within my existence as one as equal as my accepted and allowed participation within the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within choice about to actually think is good or solution or a defense from what I became already as structural resonance system within and as human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people instead of instantly realizing the self-defined self-relationship with my accepted and allowed separation as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being disciplined and focused to do what I do until it's done - by allowing myself to bouncing between occupations without focusing onto and as one and doing it as the total absolute presence as me - and pushing myself trough my limits.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that why I do the bouncing between occupations such as making music, videos, wanting things or trying other things out and after a while putting away them and choosing another - I do this instant self-divertion to not realize that after a while my own limits I face - and instead of pushing myself trough these self-defined self-contained limits - I simply give up and chosing another expression by using external excuses why I can not continue this expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I always step back because of excuses For instance to make my electric-dance-music - not making the tracks because of the lack of sound quality or the lack of the lack of those synths or equipments what I defined as necessary to make my own music - instead of realizing the fact that I am here and I can do whatever I want if I will myself and push myself and trust myself unconditionally and absolutely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make music to prove to myself that I can do musiclike art - instead of just expressing myself as the music as one as equal as who I am as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define music as art as special instead of just being one and equal with and as music within oneness and equality as inner silence without any memories popping up while listeninig or making music and breathing naturally here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself unconditionally because of the response of others would hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that I define myself according to others by my own definitions about normal and cool - instead of being here as moment and breathing and expressing myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself naturally as what is within me - instead of realizing that if I have something to shame or as dishonesty - then as I am experiencing it - I can release immediately as self-forgiveness and self-corrective application -- or expressing the inner dishonesty and within the physical act realizing my self-dishonesty and applying self forgiveness and self-correcting application as stopping immediately -- or AFTER I expressed dishonesty then by taking the consequences realizing the fact that is not who I really am as all life as one as equal and then applying self forgiveness and correcting my act to not pacticipate anymore as being aware of my accepted and allowed dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with the illusion of now of consciousness by wanting everything right now and by that not considering all life as one as equal and revealing my self-interest and self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to have a physical relationship with a girl because then that would determine and help me to remain mind consciousness system by the delusion of love and peace and joy instead of realizing that all beings are me as one as equal and a self-interested relationship wont last forever and then I will face with myself deliberately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical beauty as the most important to choose who to be with.
I forgive myself that I havent accepted myself as who I am as Jozsef Berta and wanted to have another personalities what would gave the impression of I am not this person really - instead of realizing that who I am is in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I desire after a girl to be with and fondle with and hugging with and kissing with - I am desiring for myself, as I defined joy, pleasure and beauty as such beings as girls, women, sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to be happy when I have a relationship with a beautiful woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enwy to people who have a relationship with a appaarent beautiful girl, woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beings according to my self-defined system called: beauty.
I forgive myself to desire to be with beautiful-bodied girls and women because then what I see is who I define myself with and as and therefore I could define my existence as beautiful or pleased.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as beauty. I am unifying myself here as beauty as one as equal as inner silence and being aware about not to define beauty in any wah whatso ever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy and pleasure according to how much suppressed energetic system I can release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from containing too much compounded emotional energies because then these could harm me by overwhelming body experiences or simply just loosing my head and giving into acts in order to release these manifestations and not me as self expression be the directive principle but the self-accepted consequence of the participation of the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go away from my here ness to go to the SA farm to get assistance to stop self-dishonesty -- instead of trusting me here and not allowing myself to deceive myself and directing myself to explore self-corrective application as applying self-forgiveness and writing and sharing self-honesty unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire or believe that the portal or bernard or andrea or the others at the farm could make my process easier instead of realizing that I am always here who I am and my responsibility to stop the participation within the mind and explore who I really am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to forgive myself - revealing myself that I trust within my experiences as memories as personality instead of trusting myself here as expression as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am what I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny what is here as the physical and space and time.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am here but always desiring and hoping instead of simply stopping and expressing myself as self-trust as moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after escape.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I let myself to be aroused - I am escaping from what is here as myself as who I accepted myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex and desire and arousedness are the excuses and the attention divertions from what I expreience inside of myself and these are the programmed reactions to not need to explore who I became within and as the mind consciousness system and take self responsibility and stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I have already created - there is no escape - it is here as me as one as equal - and if I do not stand within oneness and equality - my creation will determine and control and direct me - instead of directing myself as the creation as life as all as one as equal considering all life within each moment breath by breath.

So this brings up three points what I allow to contain as excuses: making music, making video and interest after girls. Lets examine these for a moment within self honesty and self intimacy - without any restriction or shame - as I am sitting here naturally, I write it down as who I am at this moment...

Music: I can see that I've managed a kind of obsession about musical instruments, yet I am not really producing music - I use my work as a tool to be able to buy these instruments, but in fact I have not really time for making music - in the evenings I have around one or two hours and I am just flowing away mostly, like tuneing the synth around the sounds or practicing piano songs or tweaking the computer-virtual synths-sequencers in order to prepare or learn or explore the stuffs for being able to make music.
This expression is just still here, and as I gave up many things, this somehow returned, so I allowed to still participate - kind of giving opportunity to see what is this within myself - is this who I am really?
This question is really worthless, as I am already aware how much I can enjoy making music...But how and why I enjoy what music?
These are related to pepole or just myself?
The listening to music came by psychedelics - but without them I still enjoy - I am hearing much broader the music than before - and I am very fascinated about how music is builds up - how is being expressed and how is being shared...
The basic idea some years ago was to test myself musically - kind of self-pushing provement - but was compromised already because by this starting point I am not really just expression...so let it go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to myself anything - instead of trusting me here and expressing myself as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define music separatedly from me instead of releasing the definitions and just exploring what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed about musical instruments instead of directing myself within and as common sense without loosing my head by defining joy by musical instruments instead of just being here as breath.

So my plan was until june I would have all instruments what I would need to make my music - yet I am not owning the stuffs what are necessary for what I want - so more discipline and more self-direction is required and I trust myself...
I have enough experience and knowledge about the instruments, the tech stuffs, only the point what I procrastinated so long is still required to be explored - the practical songbuilding and not giving up what I want to make but find ways and make that what exactly I am aware how it would be that what I want to manifest as music...
Because mostly I have ideas and if I start to make a music - the good stuff just comes from me but I never explored how to put the tracks together and how to make those sounds what I want into my music...
So this is fascinating - if I direct this as me as one as equal - then no time compromise will disturb me - just for instance I come to home and within a hour I make the music and then stop it until I continue...
Because before my way to make music was like being alone for a while and smoking a lot and all day doing and then having something cool to work with and then tweaking it and then some days later just saying - for now it is good enough but in fact that was not as good as I could do with more discipline and will...
Because I always allowed myself to compare with the "great ones" whose music I like and gave the inspiration or dimensions about what kind of music I would like to make...
In fact this sounds quite nasty, but for a start is cool - but for starting point - not really--- instead of just trusting myself about whatever I make, this is who I am and then stepping forward and making another and enjoying and disciplining myself to make what I want and that's it...
So this is it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare to others to be able to define myself as worthy, as cool, as good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough within the eye of others - what is the eye of other's consciousness - as the eye of their mind systems - and basically by this act - I accepted myself as system and relating myself to an other system to get the support to remain as system - this is unacceptable, so I practically stop define myself according to others and I stop define myself according to what I should do in order to make other's reaction/response to what I want because of my accepted dishonesty. Whuh.
Strange long sentence but made clear - I stop define myself - I stop define others and I stop define myself related to others and I stop define others related to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value into music separatedly from me, instead of being one and equal with and as music and direct myself as breath as expression and explore what is here...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my definitions to music.

I found some old halfly-made track in my archives and they sounded like shit but the ideas are great - I will remake those in great quality and then I will see...

About music thats all for now, I jump on to video...

I allowed myself to desire to be director - to make film - movie...why?
Because within a movie I could express myself quite precisely - with moving pictures and sounds and words and music - becase so much I want to share - why? Interesting... for a while I had this feeling about to share my realizations, to share my point of view, to share my common sense and the fact that the self-realization is practically possible for every single one human and I am sure that I could script up screenplays to direct situations within movies what could assist and support me and also the beings who would see it...
Yet I have to be sure that not the unlived desires I want to see in film because then I could say, it is almost lived, more likely it is lived - because this would mean that I want to have such experiences what I can not within my 3d live, so I make it on screen...
This intense suppression I had so long, I want to explode, I want to express myself so strongly but if I fear or judge myself - excuses and divertions come up and I still suppress..
I started to make several screenplays - but recently as my computer cracked - many just lost - but within myself those I still am aware...
Recently I started a new one - kind of mix with Chulhu myth and drug experiences related to the human mind's directive principle as fear and dishonesty...
This would be cool to make on camera - yet I am aware that I do not have the ability to make it myself - but first I make this 'flawless' screenplay and then I will see...
Also the puppies music clip what I make since months - it is already almost done but I am not totally satisfied, so I will change it - yet after effects sometimes hecks me, so I push myself trough this project...
But in fact I made this project like I am - one big composition and doing it from begining and it is getting too much and then it is almost un-handle-able and then my like reduces until I simply do not continue it...
So this has to be finished and be shared soon...For being able to move on...

Third part is girls - is this pure sexual desire? Is this only for having a 'legitimated' orgasm? First I was like: yes - but in fact not...
Also it is related to addiction to arousedness, kind of porn within myself and if I am not aware, or not directing myself - I can still participate within it - so it is not transcended yet - probably I suppressed it...
This growed inside of me so vastly and then I could not have physical experience with girl - because of the accepted and allowed excuses - like: I do not need relationship because it sucks - or I said that I do not want to fall again after a relationship...

Because in the several last 'relationships' - even when they were about some days - I was fucked - because of dishonesty - because of compounded definitions I was related to about the girls - kind of role I was within - just like on the stage - as an actor I wanted to be able to define myself as this actor...

Because I was looking after a girl who could be like me - who could piece out me - because I could not unify me myself and I let myself being influenced from this world about with that assistance maybe I could fullfill myself.
This fullfillment was related to self-realization, self-freedom, self-unification...

But none of my previous 'relationships' where based on equal and one - I always had those desires and starting points by definitions and the girls had their as well - and somehow these 'requirements' met and we were like contractors to each other and our interest was to get what we wanted -- and even with daring orselves to manipulate the other in order to direct... like 'make her attention onto me, or make her perceive me as cool' etc...

I can say there were four girls who I had physical relationship...
First one was total mind-possessed-obsessed deception as it was the 'true and one and huge love' by book - my starting point simply became her and I lost myself totally and gave up on myself -- and when it was unreachable (the experience of the relationship) - I fell, I collapsed, all values I lost and I allowed others to influence me within the hope that something will happen to me what would help or heal or raise me...
Then the second relationship - the girl who I was with was more fucked and younger and she fell in love into me - I had to realize that this is quite unbalanced and quite 'blind' - she loved me so much and she was blind - she was virgin and I enjoyed the experience of 'being loved' and having sex... But after a while I was like unmotivated and I was kind of fool and abusive and selfish with her so I said it is over...
After my first love came back and she told me that she could not find 'better' than me so she loves me -- but this girl I've perceived as she trampled me and made my heart bleed and all my desires and hopes was to 'get her' and after a year she just came and said 'I love you' - I was instantly fucked - but then I was in love - still blindly yet not cloudless as before - because I burned myself so much with her before that I programmed myself to remain closed somehow...

After some years the same happened than with the other - my love was depleted and I wanted different and I even did not desired her - and I saw that within sex we were all right but anyway we always argued...
So we split and then I pushed drugs quite hard and I was always 'high' - for years I did not have anybody near me - sometimes I masturbated but as I remember - I was not really obsessed - I always took the acid hit and it was like 5hours orgasm - after then I was kind of empty...So I remained dishonest about the sexual and desire energy for years...

After then the third girl who I was with - it was like I had not these emotional threads to her -yet my mind was quite inteisified with her - and one day I realized that she had suppressed desires as well and we accidently started to arouse each other and then this relationship occured - somehow she liked me much, but I liked her as a friend - and as a sexual partner only - but my addiction came up quite soon so I had sex with her quite often and we were together - and I did not take the responsibility about saying 'I like her' - I was kind of gypsy: I am just enjoying her but nothing serious - and when I said it to her - she replied the same but after a while I realized that she means different and I showed her intense mirrors about her mind and then she just replied and I was fucked because I could not handle my dishonesties in that time and then I just said 'well, it's enough' and she wanted more but I did not...and then she fell, she was in a quite shit mood, and was bruised... After all I could not bear the fact that I liked the sex so much with her because she was so opened and enjoying and somehow I felt like I was not able to give to her what she wants - or what I felt she deserved...
So I felt like I am a fucker, not a lover... So I quit and then for a while I was not with anybody, only with drugs...then I was with a girl who I liked quite much but somehow she had some strange behaviours but she had a picture about her sister and slowly bus surely built up an inner totem within myself about that girl and when I met with her - I was instantly obsessed about her...
And I had almost a year until I could speak to her and we were together in asia - but she was dishonest as she wanted a 'full blown relationship' and I wanted something different - I wanted a relationship what was about to 'support each other to become self-realized' - and she showed a face what became proven about it was just the surface...
One day we not just kissed but had sex - I talk about girl bodies also now because it determined me...
the first girl had thin body with small tits and kind of cute pussy - somehow she becaue the standard of my most intense desires as her first impression was quite intense...I loved her smell, somehow made me high...
The second girl had much bigger body, her tits I enjoyed as they were quite big, but in fact my favourite was always the pussy somehow and her pussy I could not enjoy totally as the smell I disliked so much! And that sealed the whole sex between us...and I was coward to tell her the truth, so for 8 months we were together...
The third girl had very sporter body, very typical woman-like, her body I defined as almost perfect - even the smell of it I liked - somehow her mouth-smell I did not liked much but after all it was ok...
The fourth girl who I was with only once for sex - she had strange body, quite strong bones and somehow her body was not my interest really but when I touched her pussy, somehow it mesmerized me totally - her pussy excited me so much - it was fluffy and chuffy and it was literally like a perfect trap for me - but after that sex some hours later I quited and said never more to that girl and she was extremely pissed off for months...
There were some more girls who I had some kind of sex - but these three were mostly who with I defined myself and my sexual attention...
Of course I watched many sexmovies before and watched many girls around me and there were some 'cases' what made me excited about sex but in fact I always said that the face and the eye and her expression is the most important...

I wrote several times about my previous relationships but never about the physical and sexual side - and there is nothing to shame - there is nothing to be shy - but the question is that am I still desiring them for sex or not? And if yet, then why?

So they are like first, second, third, fourth -
the third one is a serious one as she was the first, and big emotions I had with - and also the longest time together -- sometimes we meet, sometimes we even sleep in an afternoon(with her kid) and I test myself about am I desiring her body?
Last time it was like one moment I was about but mostly not...
I asked her once about would you like and she said, well not really, she does not want to plan this, if it occurs, then it is ok, but at that moment she did not wanted, and then I realized the mindfuck within myself about this - so I stopped to meet her for this...anyway we rarely meet and is cool to see that I trust me and do not urge anything and also not suppressing it either, so some kind of flowing - and not allowing me to drive me according to desires - about that I simply do not participate and also I do not even desire her - but if yes - then I should be aware of that I am currently facing with my past and if I participate - suppress, fight, follow - then it remains here separatedly from me, driven by events indirectly from me - instead of unifying all here and me directing me and remain self-moment-expression...

Huh -- the second girl I did not see her since years, and probably I wont - or if yes - I will be able to correct my expression and forgive myself immediately related to the situation...
the third girl I am within a loose contact - yet we did not talked since long months - she had 2 babies and quite changed - almost never I desire her - if yes - I am quite fucked inside so better to forgive immediately that as well...
In fact I was planning to ask her to help me to make film - as she has a cool character and she has ability to direct situations if she wants - what could be quite useful -- but as she is quite busy with tiny children at this moment and I am not within the situation about having money-equipment or team to make movies - this tread still sleeps...Then I will be faced - so it is not here physically yet I am sure there would be some unfolded threads...
The fourth girl I did not really see since two years, in fact she lives quite close, sometimes writes email, she has a baby and she changed quite much - yet I have this impression about inside she did not change much - and I was like 'I do not want to say to her about 'this is bullshit, and explaining how and why deception is the spiritual path what she 'follows''...
I am sure that we will meet once again so then I will act immediately. Like to tell the truth and self honesty and how and why I was fucked about her and how I see how she was fucked and things like that...

Well this brought much up what requires to express as self-forgiveness...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself related to relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationship to be able to define myself as somebody who is in a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I want a relationship because I already have a relationship within my mind with the definition of 'relationship' and then I want it to be manifested to be able to physically experience because otherwise I am somehow aware that it is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from that what I perceive as myself is not real - instead of pushing myself to experience directly what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls according to their bodies, their erotic zones.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pussy as beautiful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pussy as joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see pussy, because then if I see the subject of joy, I could be the part of that joy what I miss within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to touch, kiss, fuck pussy because then I would not have the perceptional separation from it, because I could physically experience it, 'have it' and by that I could have the direct relational experience as joy - as I am having joy as pussy...

Hmm Why pussy? Because pussy made me almost forget anything what I 'contained' before, as somehow made me extremely aroused, like nonsense...
Even in these days - when I see for instance a girl who has very few clothes - if I allow - after some moments I can be very aroused - and it is really funny but in fact many many man does the same - I am sure that this is typical shit and now I am debugging this back to it's source and I let it go by self-forgiveness...

So within the whole sexual programming - the pussy is the ultimate goal, place and thing what is being distributed as the best thing within existence. I believed it - I defined pussy as the place of joy since from very early - I learnt from bigger guys and from sex movies...
I wanted to have these experiences with girls and with their pussies but in that time I was so inhibited, I had so much shame and I had no the abiilty to talk clearly - so I judged myself as unable to have experiences such as girls, sex in real - so I masturbated. I did it quite much when I was a kid and it was strange - and there was a guy who called me 'hockey' at school and that is just a slang word for masturbation... I was like quite embarrased yet in fact he had right...
So after some years I was around 17-18 when girls were interested about me but I even did not realized and when they just gone, I realized the fact that I missed opportunities to try the whole sex stuff - in fact I was quite busy with masturbation and I accepted myself as it - so kind of I gave it up and somehow I was addicted to masturbation...
After that in the university I met with my first love and I was so high that I even did not think about fuck with her, it was enough when she touched me there and I was instantly gone... After some tries she realized that I had no experiences and I could not please her, so that was finished...
Then with my second girlfriend, I got these experiences - however I did not liked her pussy - yet I was overwhelmingly excited because I could have all things what I desired for - I could lick pussy and I had sex in various places and it was quite cool, yet I felt myself not really 'clean' about the experiences - somehow I felt like dirty - not because of the sex itself, but because I had no deep emotions to the girl, just she wanted also and the fuckup was that she had these intense emotions toward me so she was 'in love'...
But we met once in two weeks for two days and then mostly we were busy with sex and kissing so it was not a big problem for months - after all I was kind of bastard, because in a morning we had sex in the college room and then I said to her that I do not love her, so I want to finish this - and she cried for some hours continually, I wanted to undo what I said and did but then there was not way back so I had to stand - I felt myself as a real asshole but somehow I had to get it over because this relationship was like chains - I defined her according to her body and she was bigger than me - not taller just bigger...And her smell made me crazy and I did not ter hell that her body has a smell what I do not like much - I did not wanted to make her pain so I swallowed these words always...

But it was quite cool in the begining that I could explore real sex with real girl - in fact my relationship-base stabilized as continous participation within sexual desires towards a girl -- as sex. So I've defined relationship as sex and intimacy and that was the starting point of being with someone - even when some more cool things came from it...

This is also requires to correct within physical application -

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as joy - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy separatedly from me and then going after girls to find this joy within the sexual experiences with them -- instead of realizing that I am here and I separate myself from the joy of me by desires and definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not addicted to sex and sexual arousement when I still have the urge to have sex or if I cant then masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my need to have sex and hoping that I can push it down until it is necessary - not realizing that by this it will compound within me and will direct me for release.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply self forgiveness unconditionally when I have the desire for sex - and breathing and directing myself to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up sexual system within me by reacing to specific sounds and pictures and bodies by getting aroused and then wanting to have a release...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see porn after a long period of sexual suppression - to justify my arising arousement until the point when I just have the release by the compounded energies -- and then feeling kind of depleted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to compounded emotional energies such as sexual desires and participation within pictures what are programmed to arouse me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have programmed myself to be aroused to specific words and pictures to be aroused automatically and then determining my expression systematically such as wanting to suppress and then wanting to release - instead of not participating within energies and thoughts, not compounding and then nothing to release just I am here and expressing myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participating within arousing pictures and definitions by just simply breathing and releaseing the pictures and deleting them from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to compound sexual desires so much that I had to find something intense to release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire groupsex because I allowed myself to define groupsex as compounded sexual expressions, sexual joy, probably release as well...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by going physically after my desire by saying that 'I am not resisting, I face it' instead of simply sitting down and writing self forgiveness and changing and breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as 'I want to stop this, but for the last time I want to have the experience' - and not realizing that when I participate once more - it will be more strong next time.
!I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have sexual experiences when I am forgiving my sexual-based dishonesties.
It is like I dig out some shit and instead of releasing, I allow myself to be occupied once more, and then 'loosing myself' within the occupation and then at one moment when I am not having directing principle - simply digging it down again and suppressing and saying that - I have to stop but in fact I did not change - yet hoping that next time I wont desire after sex by design.

After almost two years of not having sex with girl - while I was suppressed sexual desires or I have masturbated - several times I pushed myself into the experience - and there were some dishonesties also what were holding the 'excuses and justifications' why I remained within suppression and release instead of 'being with someone'.

First was like 'I am afraid of the girl will be love to me and then because I cant response the same to her - it is already fucked up and will hurt the girl deliberatedly'

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was not honest with myself because to hide my dishonesties - I have projected them onto girls, related to past-based experiences when girls were crying about me and defining that they were kind of addicted to me - instead of realizing the fact that they were addicted to their own relationship and desires and definitions, it was kind of unpersonal - yet I felt like I am somebody, I am needed to someone, so I am worthy and important.

--
Well, for now this is it - gtg
Most important conclusion - breath and when arousement comes - dont participate