self forgiveness about hair

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to judge hairdo at all - instead of realizing that if I define me and my reactions and my judgements related to pictures - I am being directed by impulses and then I am not the directive principle here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by media, especially movies and advertisements about how a woman should look like - and then I've developed a judgement system what I use for expressing polarity system manifestation based on like/dislike - instead of realizing that this is of deception, because I am being directed by pictures, I am being defined by pictures, I am becoming pictured...
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define woman based on their hairdo, especially when they have long hair and more especially when they have long, curly dark hair - this is how I've defined beauty - I let this go, I cancel this definition.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define that I have to judge beings in order to categorize them by their lookout in order to be able to react for them accordingly.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to react to beings according to norms and beliefs what are being promoted within the human society.
I forgive myself that I've defined woman by their shape and hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my hairdo.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by other's reactions and responses towards my hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider others especially women when I am about to change my hairdo(mostly cut it down).
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to push woman to cut their hairdo systematically in order to 'test' them - but in fact I am doing this to stabilize my accepted 'haircut' system because I've allowed also to judge to be bald is 'cool'.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define to be bald as 'cool', because I've defined it based on history, movies, monks etc.
I forgive myself that I've defined to be bald as more 'transcending' than to have hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the feeling that I am getting rid of the layers in me what are from this world when I cut my hair and then by this being able to define myself as 'transcender' instead of being the living expression as physical change as the word as me as one as equal 'transcendence'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my hair based on it's density and itchyness and not realizing that when I am scratching my head - I am scratching my mind so to speak to induce definitions pop up related to situations where I am in to be able to react accordingly to my personality system.

I am not allowing to define me or others based on their hair - or if I am exposing myself to do so - I rather to realize how and why and by applying self-forgiveness - I am becoming aware of the entire construct of hair-system to be able to stop being defined or directed by hair in any way whatsoever.

downfall is of consciousness

I direct myself here
I breath here I breath in I stand and I breath out
i release all definitions about how and why I am, I am simply here
I release all desires as I already realized that these make me busy in order to fight against the fact that I accept myself as deluded with the idea of separation - therefore to balance that out - I 'invented' this 'inner lean' to deceive myself to be able to 'operate' on a 'normal' level.
Most of my revelations came from energy-based-manipulations - almost all of self-abuse by manipulation of the substance and it's effects on mind.

As I accept some points as separated directive principle within my life - these will direct me instead of me being here directive.
This downfalls what I experience...rarely but surely - are part of a big cycle of energetic compound movement - way more of being simple but at it's core it is - polarity-based systematic self-justifications about me to survice, being entertained and being 'interested' in realization.
But in fact - any 'interest' can be deception - because it is not an interest to be self-honest - because this is who I really am and if I allow myself even for a moment to not be self-honest - than I am revealing that I am not self honest.
I tend to be hard on myself in a way what can be seen as harsh but in fact - there is no such thing as moderate self-honesty - it is here as stable, constant self-expression - or it is conditional and therefore not self-directed, self-willed, it is not real.
The point is to be absolute self honest or to be absolutely self-dishonest?
It is a process, however if I put myself into a construct of an 'imagined' process - that can be easily a good base of self-deception by using it as an excuse for self-justification, for a polarity overweight for the self-interested self-deception.

recon sider

i recon-sider all my shit again

it's like I am directing and then suddenly reacting and I am stopping but like splinters are allowed and by slowly - it compounds and all fall within a moment
and then this robot me acts like a bullsheet and then this time stuff occurs and then again I pick up my head
where was I?
where the fuck I've been since from what???

I forgive myself to allowing myself as dishonest.
I forgive myself to project myself into a system so called process instead of realizing that I am here as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore what forgiveness is all about in and as physical.
I forgive myself that I have been hard on myself in order to control me by me as polarity manifestation of delusional separation.
I forgive myself that I have been allowing myself to desire after energetic charge because I allow emotional compound and it is getting too much then I allow it to release on a self-programmed way such as abusing my human physical body with suppressing breath here and being completely not here but within and as thinking dimensions and reacting to my own dishonesties with other dishonesties and becoming a hall of graph within and as the mind consciousness system.
I stand up here and I do not accept myself as recreational thinking instead of being directive here and no matter what - I apply self forgiveness and I apply practical stop and I mean fucking stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as self-writing but procastinating and allowing such thoughts as 'ok I will probably fall but then probably I will learn from it' - it entails hope and entails self-doubt, self-abdication what must be stopped once and for all.

job #2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to make my actual job because I defined it very robotic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to rebel within myself regarding to do my accepted job because I've defined the price what I get for it as small.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define my commitment to my jobs regarding to the amount of money.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining the price for my job as worthy or unworthy regarding to my accepted definitions about quantity of money.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself about my job related to that I've defined it to make the job based on three statement and then I am trying to pull back instead of being absolute self directive and doing it on the way as I want.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to being driven by woman who I've defined as beautiful in order to have a hope of having some effort such as presence of them instead of using common sense and being self directive as inner silence and realize how and why I've allowed myself to be like this within my past...


I accepted the job(a big museum's webpage has bugs and requires administration about weekly but in these times it is really much to do) because
-I wanted some extra money more than my actual salary
-I wanted to have a good reference into my CV for being more easy for finding future jobs
-I wanted a job what could be done from outside of the country in order to 'stand on multiple foots financially'
-I found very charming the client-contractor girl.

So by these definitions I've accepted the job and I am doing it since april - but I see at this moment that it is getting too much and with these jobs - I barely have any time when I am not working and I experience a bit exhaustion and also I see it on my human physical body...
The question would be that this exhaustion also would be when I would not doing the second job but doing something different(probably making videos and music or writing)?

Also I see that jobs what are not food for my mind can be judged by me as 'boring' - for instance doing something what does not require constant learning, continous complex abstraction -- these I've defined 'robotic' and therefore I always avoided -- also that's why avoided many kind of jobs - I always needed the heap of obsticles what can be shoveled only by using 'cognitive' act for instance computer programming and solving problems within complex systems...

My main job(not the one what I've mentioned above, but what I do in the office all day) is a typical example: building up a website workflow management system driven by multiple business processes and being served by many webservices what are communicating with file sharing, database, versionhandling and other systems -- and of course being used by a webfronted...
So this guarantees that I can not define it boring...fascinating...
ok but not much writing today because the job part what I want to be done - I finish it tonight no matter what...

And a scripting up for the so called 'future' - I am fixing these errors in some days and then continuing the development of this new feature(what is to give webshop-like program selection,payment section into the webpage and also handling card transfers in a somekind of transaction) and then in the begining of the year giving back this job - no matter the fact that I will get less money - in fact I will already have the reference within my CV what I wanted and maybe it was not a big deal, but anyway then I will have multiple job experiences in web-based payment systems what could be handy in the forthcoming years...
But until that - I am committing myself to the job - regardless of the money - and then being done will be result.

release rely ease for giveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to breath in the 'background' - not realizing that by suppressing the breath - I suppress myself who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore practical solution by finding excuses to not stand up immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use financial situation as an excuse to not stand up for myself and stopping the inner reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for myself according to pain or in order to avoid pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define non physical pain within myself within and as the mind by defining myself unbearable or too intense.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that everything is here as me and what I do not direct here as me - I allow separation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself in every single moment to stop the dishonesty as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity of the stopping of me as mind consciousness system because not being aware of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use human physical body as a vessel, a machine for my mind as I've allowed myself to define myself as the mind and consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex to have release and satisfaction - instead of exploring how and why I separate myself from these words and their' meanings and also by realizing these meanings and how and why I've defined these in order to 'create' separation within and as me here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my systems to a certain degree when these systems are taking over me and then I am being absolutely directed, almost being possessed and then I am slowly realizing that what I am doing is not who I am and I have to stop and then I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the masturbation demon within me and by suppressing it - defining it as energy and then being obsessed to avoid sexual expression and then it simply explodes and I am not here as directive principle for moments while the energetic release is experienced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to being aroused by pictures and sounds of women or people having sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sexual arousement as an attention divertion from me from here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing full sexual self expression and then wanting to stop it or wanting to release it -- instead of being here and being self and being expression.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with a woman because then it could happen that she would be obsessed with me or I would be obsessed with her - because in the past I had these experiences - it can only reoccur if I do so.
I forgive myaself that I have allowed myself to escape from me as self expressionb because I've judged myself before I would allowed myself to even experience myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being exposed by others as mind system demon - instead of taking self-responsibility and sharing what I've allowed myself to become and assisting and supporting me and others by be the living example of stopping me as mind consciousness system and express life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from me as presence as breath as body expression to specific situations what come by while I am moving within and as 3d physical. For instance meeting with someone or talking with someone - or being specifically busy with something such as making a tea or typing words or commands.

hold, pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself as human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I stress myself and my human physical body aa one as equal - expressing myself as fear and exposing myself as being hold back because of defining myself by past, by memories.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as living forgiveness and breath naturally - by holding desires, fears and hopes - instead of realizing that these are of illusion, self-delusion, self-deception. I am here who I am as presence as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear of - I am not standing up as one and equal and stop this polarity manifestation as greater-smaller, more and less powerful etc.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my presence as being naturally here as breath and allow myself to explore what is here as presence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my desires after something is the very manifestation of self-abdication and self-doubt - because I desire because I do not experience and I do not experience because I define it separated from me instead of being here as oneness and equality with and as all me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am exhausted because I am not here as breath and mostly always was like this but I am becoming aware of how much I am of rigid fear by suppressing the breath of life as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I give myself into programs based on impulses from outside and then becoming reactional instead of exploring what I am doing and being self-honest about why and stopping dishonesties such as being attracted to things, beings based on my definitions based on polarity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each situation when I experience intense resistance toward to be here as natural breath expression - and when these are what make my breath almost literally freeze - these situations are uncovering my personality manifestation based on fear - so I can realize what and how I am still allowing to fear.
---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath when I experience physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from situations whereabout I experienced pain before - and while I am defining a situation as possible painsource: reacting on the same way such as freezing breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath back when I experience pain and then after a while only realizing that breath I am and breath here can assist myself to experience fully the pain and realize why it is here and how I participated with and as self as physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweating down when I am experiencing physical pain and holding my breath back because literally petrifying from the intense experience and not being able to move but simply hoping and waiting for the pain's disappear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself less than pain instead of being one and equal as the pain as self and act immediately such as breath expression as physical presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that pain will go simply by doing nothing such as freezing my body and doing nothing and even holding my breath back - instead of acting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself according to avoiding physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical pain as bad because I've define physical pain as uncontrollable, unavoidable, petrifying, blocking, degrading, mutilating, torturing.
I forgive myself that I have not considered to stop me being a mind system even when physical pain is raging within and as me as the physical manifestation of systems within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed to try to escape from physical pain into and as the mind with thoughts, emotions, feelings - instead of realizing that these are the very cause of the manifestation of the physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to start thinking when I have continuous pain - and by accepting the pain, not acting but being petrified physically and escaping int and as mind dimension - by accepting myself as a slave of my pain/mind. I stand up for myself as me as the unification as being here and presence as breath and stopping accepting myself as thought patterns and applying self forgiveness and expressing self honesty as practical solution to explore self-stability as presence as inner silence.

wawawawawawawa

wawawa i say wawawawawa
in ten city
walk as stalk

life cunt dare 2 count the blunt how money grunt
well, trunk that drunk, you skunk!

one or zero
I mean, how to embrace the two when all mean is here all ready as I am you as you are me, escapy ture sure mule male domIno hellbreazer tailless monkslayer identitywalker pain-terrogator surreal holegazer arrogant honeysmeller I-deal modmatrix reap-resent-at-I-on r-explainer wtf?

what fail=safety when nuke war no longer monger any more than well balanced is ten folds how I am not here or I am yes in deed hereby declare by my presence; hail you thief bastard nongamer downplayer sunkflyer

paint

Fascinating to see how this all works

I mean - if I do not express myself naturally as the moment: I am compounding and then I control myself to being directed by energy. Deliberatedly.
I have to be able to direct myself - about upcoming 'impulses'.
I mean - for instance I walk in the forest and something pops up - 'I want to write this thing down' - but I can't! - Because I am in the forest! Then I suppress it or what?
I mean it is common sense that why am I so stupid that in the forest I am willing to write? Did I go into the forest for the need to write down?
I can say - yes - this can be like 'being impulsed' to write - and then later on remember to what I wanted to write...
But in fact - that is not the same.

The point that I am not able to direct myself - ok, I will be directed by the environment - I won't write because I cant - so I won't write. So - I am accepting myself as being directed.
I am accepting that I can not direct myself to shut the fuck up inside of me with those impulses that I should write...
For instance I have the impulse to paint - since months...
I was like
-the thought came - and went instantly - apparently from nowhere to nowhere.
-then I said to someone that maybe I will paint
-and yesterday I found myself to go to store and rebuy colors and now everything for paint is here.

Will I paint?
I could say - I don't know but then can be trappy - everything I've managed in order to paint and then I do not paint?
or another point

am I directing myself to paint or am I being directed to paint?

The main focus was as I wrote in an email to guys that I want to explore how I would paint H.P. Lovecraft horrornovels dimensions with the technics of what I used previously for impressionism landscapes. Am I able to make these things being expressed by directing myself and be one and equal with the color and the brush and the paper?
In fact almost always I painted only when I smoked. I did not smoke since 2 years - and when I was wondered about why I do not paint - the point was that - I do not smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect smoking ganja or hash with painting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define painting without being smoked is boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unable to being in a state when I can paint in a focus without smoking and then limiting myself to the ganja or hash.
I forgive myself that I lied to myself with the divertion of smoking and painting instead of realizing that I had doubt within myself and I used smoke to suppress and separate this self-dishonesty within myself to control my existence instead of taking self responsibility and realize the core-dishonesty within and as myself and applying self honesty and exploring practical solution to physically change.

breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I made myself to get used to stress/hold my jaw strongly when I am not here as natural breath self expression but within and as a past-based fear-programmed personality manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress my jaw when I am in a situation what I want to control,manipulate with resistance,fight - instead of realizing that I am not here as breath as inner silence but of an influence of past as self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I stress and hold my jaw - because I am so fucking busy with the tactic to try to fight against what is already here - that I am not aware of that as more I resist - the subject will remain more - as it is equal and one as me as what I express.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release my jawstress unconditionally within and as each breath here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the thought-emotion-feeling patterns what makes me resist/fight agains myself because of fear of facing myself and what I've accepted and allowed myself to became.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me here as breath expression as life as all as one as equal because I define self trust as based on memory instead of being here naturally by and as let go of all fear as the practical realization as I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after sex because I've defined sex as a possible way out from problem, as a method to make available the inner silence as breath expression and by that I limited myself into simply a desire after what is not here - after what is not real based on memory what is referring to something what is not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after sex for a possible release and solution for my sexual desire after woman and sex and energetic experience of sex and orgasm - instead of realizing the cause, the core and embracing and forgiving what I have accepted and allowed and by understanding the why - I am able to realize the how - about to stop - because it is common sense to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself unconditionally always here regardless to situation, to energy, to beings - as I am here - I am expression as breath as life as all as one as equal within oneness and equality.

By this statement - I am able to see what must be done - what must be released, must be corrected and embraced and stopped - entirelly - without judging or finding a starting point of 'why' - because it is not of the why, it is who I am here as all life.
It is not of an any why - about why I stop the inner dialogues -- I am inner silence - and when I am not - then I am not(here).

What is real? what is here - so if I am not - then I am not real - then I am of deception - what is conditional - so will vanish - in fact who I think to be - will vanish and the I remain as presence as life.

I forgive myself that I deceive myself by wanting to stop some dishonesties but still allowing myself to being directed and eventually not practically changing -- and proving to myself that myself I am not being directed as self as presence but the previously and actually here continously accepted self-definition based on dishonesty as fear as conformity,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being me as who I am - by judging myself according to norms or escalating possible outcomes of other being's responses after my expression -- and then by my desire to control/manipulate other's decision by self-interest---instead of being here directive as who I am and not driven by outside forces only self-directive principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself separated from what is outside of my human physical body.
I
I am here as breath as self directive principle as all as one as equal as life.

embrace excite anxciety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as excited - not realizing that this is of a state of mind - a state of 'highness' and it has price.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed and even not being fully aware of what was the cause and then I am of this energetic experience of not pleasant and the focusability has reduced and I am not breathing naturally but I have to push extensively to remain here because I want to go to rest, I want to end this anxious embarrassed hightuned experience...

why it could happen?
I had some thought about Gy as I wrote an email to Bence about what was the situation me with Gy - so then I had some uncontrolled thoughts about this and then I came to home and I pulled out one hard drive of two and suddenly the winXp install worked and I was happy and I shouted some 'xp goes up' and then I realized that I forgot to buy butter and also this kind of energetic tiredness came up and I was very thirsty and hungry at a time - maybe it is exhausting of body experience...
so then I hate some yogurt and a bite of bakery-stuff and then I went out to shop to buy butter and I met two girls at the door and I was holding the door for them and it was loong loong time - about 3-5 seconds but seemed as 50 then I stepped out to the street and I had to say self forgiveness and breath and then entering the shop and then act and buy and pay and then came to home and then I continued to cook pasta and the install of xp and then I write this here.
Hmmm.
I open myself here, this is who I am as breath - I embrace the embarrassment demon and I have no to fear or think or desire as I am here as expression as breath as all as one as equal...

cset anyával

[quote="Martijn"]Looks like some weird reptillian speak to me. :lol:[/quote]
lol Martijn
today I had a chat with my reptilian mother, what I share here for hungarians

(9:22:19 PM) talamon: puszi
(9:22:22 PM) talamon: na hogysmint
(9:23:16 PM) talamon: mindjart ulok a kadba csak tul forro lett varok egy kicsit
(9:28:11 PM) Borbolya: szia
(9:29:12 PM) Borbolya: Gábor holnap lekerül a nyilt osztájra
(9:29:31 PM) Borbolya: kicsit fél
(9:29:32 PM) talamon: ok
(9:29:40 PM) talamon: es vittel neki jegyzetfuzetet irni?
(9:29:44 PM) talamon: mitol fel?
(9:29:51 PM) talamon: sajat magatol fel? mi mastol felne
(9:29:57 PM) talamon: olyan mint egy kisgyerek:)
(9:30:19 PM) Borbolya: vittem neki füzetet írni
(9:31:27 PM) Borbolya: mondtam neki ha hazajön dobja be a kazánba
(9:31:58 PM) talamon: hahaha
(9:31:59 PM) talamon: jo
(9:32:06 PM) talamon: bar en mar ugy irok hogy vallalok mindent
(9:32:22 PM) talamon: mondjuk ez azzal jar ha valaki elolvasna aki ugymond kozel all hozzam - annak lehet rosszul esne
(9:33:29 PM) talamon: pl vol t hogy ugy irtam a gyerekkoromrol hogy pokoli volt mert sok allat meszarlas volt meg mindig suliba kellett jarni meg ilyenek es nekem az neha eleg rossz volt csak elfojtottam - de ha ezt te elolvasnad, lehet rosszul esne, pedig nem szemelyesen neked szol, hanem nekem ott akkor olyan volt -- de most mar nem zavar ha ezt barki tudja, mert ki kellett engednem hogy lassam: butasag mar ezen ragodni:)
(9:34:14 PM) talamon: s ahogy irom - ugy sokkal jobb mint gondolkodni - a gondolkodas nagyon gagyi: egyhangu, mindig ciklikus es sose old meg semmit
(9:34:29 PM) talamon: mert ha irnam a gondolataimat: rajonnek: ugyanazok es mindig ugyanaz a mondanivaloja:)
(9:34:37 PM) talamon: az irassal van valami folyamat benne
(9:35:01 PM) Borbolya: lehet
(9:35:25 PM) talamon: ezert kell a kormanynak is a sok irott szoveg - az stabilizalja a helyzetet
(9:35:37 PM) talamon: a leveltar meg a sok konyv
(9:35:47 PM) talamon: aki szabad akar lenni, irjon sokat oszinten :)
(9:36:37 PM) Borbolya: én voltam szigoru lehet akkor ugy láttttam jonnak
(9:38:08 PM) Borbolya: csak jo akaratbol és szeretetböl cselekedtem
(9:38:25 PM) talamon: csak az a baj - hogy 3 szint van az emberi kfejezesben:
-gondolat/erzelem/erzes
-szo, beszed
-tett
es minda három hat a szemelyes valosagunkra -
(9:38:42 PM) talamon: a második kettovel az a jó, hogy egybol van visszajelzés - a többiek reagálnak rá
(9:38:59 PM) talamon: de az elsore nem - ezért úgy tunik mintha nem lenne következménye - holott ugyanolyan eros mint a szó
(9:39:08 PM) talamon: képzeld el ha minden gondolatodat hallanám mostantól
(9:39:30 PM) talamon: persze, ne hibáztatok senkit - téged is neveltek, nem bánok semmit
(9:39:46 PM) talamon: ha mindenki mindenki gondolatát hallaná - nem lenne ennyi baj
(9:39:52 PM) talamon: mert akkor nem lenne hova "bújni"
(9:40:14 PM) talamon: én ezért szoktatom le magam a gondolkodásról - mert GOND olkodni butaság :)
(9:40:22 PM) talamon: inkább írok meg cselekszek meg kimondom
(9:40:44 PM) talamon: s akár hiszed akár nem, a sok buta gondolat a fejedben - az teszi tönkre az életet
(9:40:58 PM) talamon: nem az hogy nincs pénz meg betegség - az már ennek a következménye.. . .
(9:41:27 PM) talamon: de az a vicces hogy ha valaki gondolkodik - és te éppen nem - akkor ha nézed - akkor látod, hogy o most gondolkodik - és akkor épp nincs is itt
(9:41:35 PM) talamon: simán nekimegy egy fának is ha nem figyel
(9:42:15 PM) Borbolya: ja valahogy igy van
(9:43:16 PM) talamon: végülis szerintem nem biztos hogy nagy baj ha valaki néhanéha gond olkodik - csak nem érdemes - de ha sokat - akkor meg nagy baj van mert akkor hajlamos úgymaradni, akkor is mikor már nincs is a baj - vagy az már más - de a gondolatban még a régit járja - és aztán úgy akar reagálni ..brrr nagy hiba :)
(9:43:24 PM) Borbolya: az én gondolataimat jobb ha nem halja senki:)
(9:43:53 PM) talamon: latod ez itt a hiba
(9:44:00 PM) talamon: mert igy igy maradsz
(9:44:02 PM) talamon: nekem elmondhatod
(9:44:09 PM) talamon: enyemnel nem durvabbak
(9:44:20 PM) talamon: de amig nem is mondod ki addig te sem fogod fel milyen sulyos a helyzet
(9:45:21 PM) Borbolya: még megtartom 1kicsit:)
(9:45:33 PM) talamon: amig meg nem halsz - max addig
(9:45:48 PM) talamon: csak tudd, en nyitott vagyok rajuk, nem perverzio, de az segitene tenyleg
(9:46:02 PM) talamon: mert ha elmondanad - akkor mar erezned hogy milyen butasag ezt igy csinalni
(9:46:12 PM) talamon: a gondolatok is te vagy - meg ha nem is tudod iranyitani oket -
(9:47:50 PM) Borbolya: most nem akarok gondolkodni azért játszom
(9:48:34 PM) Borbolya: mama elment 1edül vagyok
(9:48:34 PM) talamon: jah / de nem tudsz mindig jatszani
(9:48:48 PM) talamon: az alkohol is azert kell - hogy ne kelljen gondolkodni - de az megvar, soot erosodik:)
(9:49:07 PM) talamon: a meditacio is azer nem jo - mert azzal is csak elkerulom, nem szembenezek es megoldom
(9:50:38 PM) talamon: en a vegeig mentem a meditacionak - s a sok regi haver - meg mindig medital
(9:50:40 PM) Borbolya: mést pillanyatnyilag nem tudok megoldani semmit
(9:50:42 PM) talamon: a gyongyos is medital -
(9:50:55 PM) talamon: de nem latjak a veget - csak remenykednek - tudod - ul es varja a sult galambot
(9:51:25 PM) talamon: de te ne legyel ilyen :)
(9:51:34 PM) talamon: mert te erre rajottel, de a tudas a gyakorlat nelkul semmit sem er
(9:51:48 PM) Borbolya: azt én nem csinálom:)
(9:51:57 PM) talamon: es nem azert koptatom az ujjam mert nincs jobb dolgom, hanem mert nekem ez a szeretet - hogy tamogatlak es ne hagyjam hogy bebukd :D
(9:52:14 PM) talamon: van par jo pelda a csaladban es sosem keso eszhez terni csak akarni kell - de nem harcolni hanem megnyi'lni
(9:52:55 PM) talamon: most szaladok mert kihul a furdovizem :) puszi
(9:53:17 PM) Borbolya: oké pusz

dayto

This day as to day but not to die.


Morning rush for dentist - 2 different doctor, at 8:15 and 10:45 - both gives painkiller syringe into mouth - ironic but pains for a moment a HUGE and then it is numb for half day - left and right both are fucked - since third week I go - and today I was like this is getting too much - but what to do but breath - interesting -- no it's deep fascinating to observer myself within this so defined 'unpleasant' situation - how I tend to escape and what specific illusion I pull onto and as myself to not be HERE?

Chestburn - when breath I suppress - or mechanically trying to manipulate as a robot - I feel twisting limitation from inside - and then I breathe - as I grab the rope when I already fall 00010010010011

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody-s face is too close and I define it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.

It can happen at workplace, at dentist when he was deep inside in my mouth and it is cool to face with this - several times came to surface within myself but I never expressed out - cool.
I am pushing myself trough this

When I am with a girl for instance - with Gy - I was observing that this 'issue' does not comes up - she did not tell that my breath would be disturbing - in fact why it would be? So it is a fear from an illusion what I carried since childhood.

Because there were for instance occasions when I felt somebody's breath was stinky - was drunk or after a womit or cigarette or simply was unpleasant for me in that moment - and I definet and then I defined myself also...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use other's presence as an excuse to not breath naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody's face is too close and I defined this as it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider ethics instead of trusting me here as breath without any idea or knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion - by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath - and if I suppress breath - I suppress myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath - as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what the chestburn would mean - because I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress the breath as me and I try to manipulate the breath in order to experience specific energetic experiences - to avoid direct experience of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life by suppressing the breath of me as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the pain here is the consequence of my acceptance and allowance - so instead of suppressing it ad escaping from the experience - would be assisting to open myself up and realize what is what I did not realize.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope - even for those what people usually take granted - such as what they paid for or what they already possess - instead of realizing that I am here as expression within and as this body as one as equal as all.