I Stopped for a moment today in bed

Today, after returning from work, finally I brought home to my 'final' piece of music instrument, a high quality pre-amp for my new microphone - and I did cook, but until I could not try the microphone out - I did not eat, rather I did some gChat with my partner, Suszti, she was telling me that she is feeling becoming mad, and I ensured her with tons of smiles that she is already mad, no problem, let's develop infinite self-will and move self within self honesty - but then she was off to make her child to sleep, and I was about to wire in the new mic and the preamp, but then I realized: I do not have the XLR cable for it - I lend my microphone cable with my old mic a week ago, so then I jumped out to the nearby music shop to get another one - then I came home, tested it out - works brilliantly - at least some quality....

So then I made and ate a pasta, then I did take a nap - I do this when I 'feel' tired, especially when my eyes are tired from all day watching screens.
So, then I woke up - and I did not move - I took my 'time', then I realized, I was not moving.

I did take a nap because I wanted to do many things tonight - then I did not move after waking up, about 5-10 minutes - thats' odd, I noticed, so then I started to see what is happening. There was no energy, no urge, no desire, no fear, no reason to move me - so I did not move. It was obvious: I must move me by Self-Willed Decision.

In these cases I have the 'feeling' of I am extremely tired - what can be because of exhaustion by depriving my sleeps - or simply no energies to move me.
So I took my time and to be sure - I did take one more small nap, then I woke up and I still felt 'unnaturally' tired.
In this case - it also can be that I did not drink enough water, so I am dehydrated, so I pushed myself to stand up and drink water - then I realized - I must be refreshed after a hour of sleep, so I took a bath and the perceived tiredness is gone.

Now, here I sat down and I am continuing with SRA lesson, it is fascinating to do it - and mostly I do have resistances and in the last moments I would pick it up, but the continuous application of pushing this point starts to manifest:
-I wrote a lot of times about this is high priority to do, so I am absolutely sure about I want to do it, there is no other way.
-I already understood that unconscious and subconscious resistances are especially 'nasty' about to make me procrastinate this specifically, so in the last week I wrote and said aloud self forgiveness according to this, to not allow myself to being stopped do SRA by any resistances.
-I installed a calendar to my phone what is getting filled with my 'todos' in physical timeline, so I can see, being noticed and I am able to manage my activity.

So by these points - I am not surprised that by nothing else but me, I sit here and I do the lesson, I am absolutely not tired, I am not sick, I am doing it as myself.

On Control I want lose then gain cycle

I did not post this before, here it goes, when I noticed my sickness was fading last week

I am getting 'normal' again in relation to sickness - pain is fading, it's like a fire what burns out the bullshit out of me but it is not yet self direction, however I realized some points what I allowed myself to be resonantly influenced, directed, for instance the want to be alone and then want to be with others polarity system, then the energy addiction, what is sex-drug-energy related, about not take self responsibility.

It's like I want to loose my control - what control is too strong, it is not even myself as who I really am but then I am unable to release as myself, then energy kick I use - regardless to it's subtle form, it is all the same - when I define too much, I want to pull back, to go back to my 'den' or 'lair' where everything is like how and what I like - what I could not manage within the 'outside world' to manifest - so then that is avoidable, then my place is preferred, where I can play god according to my mind, according to my inner reactions.
There were times when I was more quiet (inside) when I was alone, but recently I noticed that I am more 'voiced' inside when I am alone, probably that's why I want to be alone, to be alone with and as my mind - but when I am with others - I am much more easier releasing inside reactions and focusing on what is physically here - it is not that big difference, simply after a while a some form of 'tiredness' kicks in, and to compensate that - I energize within me as suppressions, judgments, participation within dishonesties such as popping up pictures from unconscious/subconscious, it's like it is testing me that in that moment what I will react to, like pulling different colored and tasted carrots and which one I will follow.

These must be understood within self-intimacy within the moment of participation within inner reaction.

About my day - I realized -again- at my workplace I am liked because of my work, because of my attitude and expression, so in a way it is very supportive - but there are points where I must stop for instance at the tendency to be distracted from my work - to any fun web page, or my personal agenda for instance looking after a camera etc - it's like suppressions come up - and if I would not suppress myself extensively - then I would not face with compounded energetic bursts so to speak - then I am able to direct myself to focus.
This is what I realized in SRA as well - when doing muscle communication - to remain constantly here is the key - not allowing even for a moment to 'focus' onto something what is not relevant for the current information processing etc.

Also I realized - with my partner - I must be much more direct - in terms of specificity - at some times I even 'tested' her with my intentional grumpiness and rawness - wanting to expect the same 'warrior-like' attitude in her daily life as I do - but that is bullshit - it's like a control point want to direct her - what is in a way can be cool, as she is not aware much of desteni vocabulary for instance - but the other part of the polarity is related to my resonant expression to want to be alone - and when not, then want to direct her in the 'name' of self honesty, agreement, process - what is bullshit, I let all go.
I am me as breath as physical - regardless to ANYONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others instead of realizing - I am me, I change me, I express me, I do not allow influences to who I am by others - or if yes - then in the moment I realize, I stop, I forgive, I change, I let go.

SickSackSuckSock

Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.
I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...
Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.
This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.
Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.
So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.
At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.
I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.
I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.
I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.

Facing some energy, fear, resistance to try Agreement

This is who I am


I write directly here.

I am facing some sort of fear - diarrhea manifested, so it is fascinating.
I Let go of self definition, I let go of self addiction to energetic experiences of the mind.
I let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself instead of realizing that I am going to face myself as myself anyways - the question is that do I face myself directly by self direction by decision or do I face with myself indirectly by letting consequences of my expression face me, direct me, control me.

I chose to face myself here. This is not a choice who I am - I face myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share myself with another beings within the judgment of (as self-judgment) I wait for something, or I am not satisfied with my expression so I hold back - instead of realizing that by holding back myself - I am not able to walk - so I let go - I let go of fear, I let go of fear from judgment, I let go of fear from failure, I let go of fear from being lost.
I am here.

I describe how I physically 'feel':
Along my backbone - something like a shivering energy crawles, mostly from down to upwards, from the solar plexus area - and that's it - I can also describe it as a cold-like freeze covers up alongside of my backbone, and as it 'goes' up - it feels like there are this ice-spikes manifesting on this freezing movement - but then it's all gone - then after some moments it comes again - and in fact I feel cold. Even when I wear three clothes, this backbone-centered freezing goes on and on - until I realize and breath.

This system requires realization - this system is of me as me - compounded self-suppression energy by self-definition, self-judgement, what is being experienced within me because of I am not able to contain the situation within me - I suppressed it all - and then no more - it is being exposed - it is being experienced within and as me.

So the practical walk would be not fear from facing with my partner unconditionally - not separating her - not allowing to prone to any energy addiction - sexual desire, direct physical sexual energy, or even coffee or at the office my favorite jar from which I drink water every workday.

I also noticed that my not direct fear is related to the self-definition about who I defined myself to be and when I am not alone for longer than some days - I want to be alone, I want to do things myself, I want to be separated -- this polarity what would pull to be among humans and then I would want to be alone - is of the mind.
Who I really am is not dependant on who I am with - or am I with someone or not - if I make conditions about who I am, how I act, speak regarding to other people - then who I am if not of that condition which to I submit myself to?
It is unacceptable to not be myself alone or with anyone. Myself as breath, as absolute self honesty, as self-expression.

Okay, this energetic cold waving is no more - but I did not faced it directly - only was a step.

In a way, this physical experience is similar to when I enormously compound sexual energy what makes me feel really cold, and the same kind of energies I experience within me - but that one is more rude experience, and also my genitals are in pain and only constant and stable breathing 'through' can assist to stop it - and by each stop - as I stop the system within me as me as myself within oneness and equality - slowly I understand myself, and I can be aware of the conditions, and I can direct myself to stop participate within these conditions, these if/then-s who I defined myself to be - based on a starting point of not who I really am as Life as Breath - so I can not trust any self definition.
I can not trust in any self-created delusion, only breath, the physical I trust as HERE as touch, experience directly.

Also I experience that as I stop participate within desire, sexual desire - it compounds - tests me extensively - I am being tested by myself - my decision can stand or not?

At this moment I have an opportunity to start to experiment with Agreement - my two trials were not really Agreement-based, but my knowledge about Agreement were being tested and these did not stand - it was not only myself, it was the other being also(the girl) - and at this two occasions - the girls had no idea about what Agreement would be...
But at this time it's different - she is very curious, studies what Agreement would be, and she wants to be self honest - she does not write bog, do vlog, but she understands some already.
So she proposed this Agreement, but in fact - before this - we did some occasions of sex, and as I see - her starting point is of sex, desire - not only - she wants to change, wants to stand up, to understand, to direct herself - so that's not a problem - but my plan is to travel away in 5 months, so I am not sure that it would be great to start to form an agreement for 5 months only.

But I said, for 5 months we could try, but I am not sure she is aware of the desteni material enough(surely not), so she is studying and translating the material anyway, and asks a lot - we will see....
Basically I have a resistance towards her - I do not say I do not like her but somehow I do not want to meet with her regularly - so there is a point what I do not want to face - that's cool...

Also I enjoy not having desire after her - So no energy moves towards her, but at the moment, there is an energy what wants me to pull back from her -- at first I judged this as 'she is not great for agreement' - but then I realized - it's my issue, not her - and in fact we can enjoy ourselves if we are not of definitions, we do enjoy sexual expression, she is facing her past extensively - and she wants to change, wants to express Self Forgiveness, so I enjoy being with her and assist her and she started to say directly about me and those are not really 'nice' - thats very cool - she assists me in realizing what I am accepting and allowing...

I almost decided to walk with her for months then - but still something pulls me back, that's why I write about it...
Common sense say, enjoy agreement and then enjoy breath and self honesty.
So we already do this, but to make it more stable - we will meet and speak again about it.

My 'excuse' was about Agreement that there is no a girl who can 'comprehend' desteni material in practice - and without that, Agreement is not really possible - so it is a cool opportunity.

At weekend I faced already a point - while she was here at my place - after a while, I did not do my 'todo' things - but we ended up in bed hugging and speaking - and sometimes sex, but after the sex thing happened some times - I realized - I did the same with most of the girls in my past - and it started with my ex-wife, at university, when we came together finally(about after a year yearning, desiring, suffering from 'love' lol), then we all day were in bed and hugging and speaking and that's it - and it was like a mind-state what feel great, that I did not want to stop.
So it is cool to face that again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of her because I defined to 'have' a girl is rare.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'have' a girl instead of standing as beings as equals as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use girl and stay in bed with her - to escape from my reality, from what I am experiencing, from what I must do, from who I became as Mind Consciousness System.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and exploring self expression within the presence of an other human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance towards girls, towards relationship, towards agreement to not wanting to face myself directly with a partner, instead of realizing that this could be really assisting if I stand and express self honesty within every moment.


So I stop fear, I stop procrastinate, I stop judge, I stop hesitate, I stop escape, I stop being in bed all day to not need to do my todos, instead of realizing that my todo-s are me, if I do not do my todo as me - I am not living myself unconditionally.

I will continue to share myself and assist her within self forgiveness and she already offered her presence to assist self - doing videos, speaking about points, she would be around me to see - can I do my expressions as I would do alone when she is here?
That would be cool, so at weekend, we will see.

Every day blogging I am.

Self forgiveness on resistance

While doing SRA - this assisted me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by resistances towards self-directed walk-through on information what I defined before as 'a lot' - instead of realizing - I am here, I direct here, there is nothing 'lot' - I am simply considering always what is actually here - then I am realizing - I am already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being distracted from what I decided to do - by allowing things popping into my head and reacting to immediately doing that - instead of realizing I try to avoid facing myself within the act what I started to express after my decision to do so.

Self Trust

Self trust is the basement of facing. If I do not trust my facing application either - what? Then why I continue instead of stopping participate within any application what can not be trusted.
Self here is trust - everything else is not worthy of trust unless each participant of 'trust' is self always here as self trust - then we can talk reality otherwise who I could trust in someone when I see here how that human is constantly changing according to experiences - who are in power in physical - can direct humans through determining the impulses of their physical reality - and they will respond accordingly.
Then that being how can be trusted? It's a complicated machine if we apply extreme self honesty and common sense - within a perfect equality system it is unacceptable to allow someone to not being aware of the consequences of their acts, because if all equally powerful within existence, if each equally god - then even one fucked up 'god' - can fuck up the whole existence.
Because if one is not the same all the time but defined by outside - then inside can not be real, can not be life, can not be here.
It is imperative to realize that without developing here-ness we are nothing but dust in the weather - nothing constant, nothing can be trusted endlessly - because everything is of change.
But the solution is then is also obviously here: I am here - I let go everything what is not really here physically. I let go even that what is here physically. I am here as the Physical.

Banks support Inequality, Separation, Elitism

My mother called me because she got a letter and apparently I've been approached the bank, where my salary goes - and because of salary is more than a certain amount(~1000Eur) - I was able to change my contract to some sort of 'VIP', what would mean the followings:
-I do not have to stand in lines to have assistance in the bank, I got a person who I can call and deal my issues with directly any day.
-I do not pay any % for money transfer, account fee, SMS-prices, most of the ATM-usages etc
-I get 'better' investment offers, deposit rates than the 'usual' bank users.
-Better credit card opportunities, more debt allowed etc - lolol

This clearly means: the bank disregards the poor for the benefit of the rich.
I would say, it would be much better if this would be the opposite - the poor should not get plucked by any % - rather the rich should be.
This is an other example of the ruthless system what measures 'living'-qualities by the people's money. It's the same as the cast-systems where the outcasts have nothing and they are disregarded by the system, by the members of the system, because they are not supporting the system. Because they can not, or because they refuse to. But anyway the outcasts are very busy with surviving, so they are occupied, so they can not influence, change the system, but the system utterly determines their reality anyway - as your money, as your quality of 'life'.
That's why we must realize within ourselves one by one that the quality of Life is at least the naturally distributed Equality System, where none of the members are disregarded, only because they do not have money.
What is the worth of happiness for me if I am aware of the sly metal claw of this money-pyramid-consumer-addiction, a self-abdication where a Self is not aware of All Self Here as Equal as One, yet still responsible for the determination of Reality without even being aware of it only for self-deception, otherwise Self would Change.
Changing Self requires changing the System of Life - the Value must be Life - not allowing anyone to be harmed just because some have more money and they say so. Those who has money and fear from loosing it, probably they're right - if they would not direct the current Human System with metal harshness, probably they would kill each other in years. But if we explore the Principle of 'Equality and Oneness' - we can research, dig out what Really Matters, here As Physical as Substance.
And if we can not Live All Equally supported on the Physical level - we do not exist as Life, we exist as a Programmed System, which will end inevitably, as it is not aware of that it is destroying itself before even realizing what is happening.

The Solution is an Equal Money System what means the maximum amount of money is divided equally between all humans and each newborn would have well enough money for:
-Support the Human Physical body with proper food, shelter, healthcare
-Support the Being with Education - how Reality works, how Self moves, how through the mind humans deceive themselves and others
-Support the Being with Pure Self Expression as Innocence as Life as Infinity

This would obviously mean that most of the crimes would disappear what are about the money.
Also this would mean that each child would have equal opportunity to Express Life - everyone should become aware how painful to
-tell your child, that she/he can not do who they really are, because the family is poor
-being told that you can not be simply who you are, because you have to fight for survive.
Within an Equal Money System - those competitions what abuse Life would stop - no more raging 'religional' wars for resources, no more nervesick jobs for resources where people have to win and loose for money.
The banks would put together the money - what is already in computers anyway - and start to support an Equality Group - wherein the participants would be supported in physical level and they would research and implement the New, Global Equal Money System - and then Humanity would start to learn how to take responsibility for themselves and for the planet.
The planet is going fine, but the living conditions are going down quite fast - the environment can not take any poison, it starts to give it back to the humans - and the humans can not stand up for this global changes because they are divided, separated, different intents, agendas - therefore if we do not unite within One Global Group - the environment issue can not be handled within sufficient effectiveness, therefore it is a must to bring about a change within our starting point from profit and energy to Physical Equality.

desteni videók magyarul

Magyar desteni VLOG? még 2010-ben!!!

self forgiveness on suppression and hesitation

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself unconditionally by judging the situation and the thing to be expressed by judging it as not relevant/not great enough/not final instead of realizing the math of 1+1=2 and express myself withhout self judgement .

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by judging and suppressing myself actually I am not here as myself but as of definition with the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself without judgement.

info

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by information instead of realizing that I direct information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by information instead of I direct information.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that who I became is directed by information but who I really am is self direction.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am directed by information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to information.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust information first instead of trusting self here unconditionally.

hey man

hey man letter shared
Im here

I make myself extremely busy to remain sure that I am not wasting my time but in fact sometimes I put too much on my shoulder and even that I planned to do but then it is slow to stop when it's pushing me down...
I am getting more and more 'irritated' from my limitations in a way - the physical limitation I can accept, as a challenge, and as more I am becoming 'physical' - the more directive power I can express here in this reality...
I did not want this when I was a kid - I wanted to be sure that I do not oppress anything in this world - I could 'feel' this physical equality when I was tiny - but then it changed, I became as the others, I lost. Fuck man, now you know how much I was lost, as you 'get' similar.
Outcast, lost, fucked up by everything. my mother also regularly visits psychiatry - but not for the mj hehe

I remember for this to realize: 'without psychedelics, I'm insane, untrustworthy by myself' so to speak, as I never could really change by myself, simply, but with these psychedelic energies, I was able to 'ride' the mind, to explore the mind, what is this mind, how comes that I can kick it off for a while and then why it comes back?
I escaped into many stuff, like those buddhu, floweroflife, but I could see by practicing, that they do not directly assist - only they could give a certain amount of energy to jump but I always fall and lost everything and start over from zero (0$, 0 self-power, 0 harmony)...
Then after a fall I found desteni and they talked about this stuff of dimensions change, of course I liked that and with self forgiveness they opened a point within me:

When I was a kid, we had a dog, he was a rare one, a Pumi, and once he was afraid of me and hi bitten me, not seriously but it did hurt - then I grabbed a big stick and I hit him some times and then he was really sad and I immediately regret it - I knew that it was a mistake and I did not liked myself about that. Long years, about 12 more, sometimes this came up in me, but I felt I could not forgive to myself that - then I had a girlfriend, wife, once at in a shop while we were arguing, I was so angry, I grabbed her tits very strong and that hurt her quite much, not only physical and that also I immediately regret and I could not really want that, it was really a shitface act but I did it...she told me after days that it hurts...
This two were the most big scars within me, 'living' like not happened but in a secret door that thing I had - 'a regret room' -- very sometimes I went there, mostly by accident and then I spent time raging within this energy then leaving it...

when desteni told about self - forgiveness - i remembered for bible stories jesus forgiveness, but did not make sense to forgive to other - but to myself - so I started self forgiveness on the most obvious shit - my dog and my girlfriend and I wrote a lot - I had this intent, decision, want to stop regret those acts, how to stop it? To learn from it - because if I learn from it, I change - if I still regret, I still did not change...

So I started to see the points when I would go into the regret-room, and forgiving myself in that situation immediately - because of that situation I went into regret - I wanted to stop regret because it made me untrustworthy for myself - and not trusting myself would mean that in fact I can not trust anyone or anything - because if I do not trust myself absolutely, how I can be sure about my trust towards specific humans - so I wanted to trust myself endless...
So I do not regret anymore that I hit my dog or my girlfriend - I rather learn and change undefined by trusting myself that I am aware enough to not make the same mistake - the mystic of involuntary acts are pawed with self forgiveness points - then I am preparing myself to actually not participate within that dishonesty and not being overwhelmed by anger to a degree where I abuse without any control simply by the energy itself bursts into a harmful direction...so it is tough to see what one accepts and allows to express - but I started, I became it, I realize it, I understand it, I embrace it, I stop it and explore what is beyond dishonesty...

And this is it - that's why I became interested in desteni, because with simple points, I started to forgive myself - but I saw that it is not 2 weeks, and the most deep points change by years of work on self to stand up

so I say, you can not really loose much in this situation - you placed you (t)here where you have no choice but to learn from your mistakes by simply seeing what you are doing moment by moment day by day -- inside in body/mind and outside in act/speak/write
for me self forgiveness is when I realized I am absolutely lost in all ways - I start to build myself - from here, where and who I am -- I have to stabilize myself into 'one' constant point - to collect all myself into one momentary expression - so I wanted to have this 'starting point' in my reality - what I can trust - what I can use, what I can be without any doubt to become Real.

This point is the Physical - noone really likes the physical, but Here is what is Physically Real.
My body - is physical, normally it is quite stable, all day I 'have' this physical body. What this body is doing by itself? Breathes. The Breath is Reality - in, hold, out, hold.
I noticed that when I feel the breath, I am Here with the Breath, but still separated.
when I experience the breath, I am Here with the experience of the breath.
when I am breath, I am Here as breath.

this would be a practical walk to unify self here for a moment - I am in this process, I guess, I have many inner reactions, many thoughts, energies come up automatically within me and in situations, I can stand up and I can stop these and I act and express.
Then I stop self-expression and start self-suppression facing dishonesties and inner reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions instead of realizing I am Here as breath and undefined yet directive.

I started to experience this kind of things but I was not really aware of - then I visited desteni guys, Bernard, the Portal, all the guys at the farm, for a month I lived with them.
With this SRA, we started with kinesiology, muscle communication, that one we regularly use for self-support, it is beyond any comprehendable to realize - the whole Universe is talking to me through my arm muscle and it is proving itself time to time continously).
In the weekend I realized that I never faced with any course that would so intensely assist to face myself in all ways - how the bricks of my reality built up, how to stop building more 'reality of mind' and how to understand, decompose and release the already built up 'bricks' within my head and how to de-program my weaknesses and transform them to supportive activities through self-forgiveness, self-directive application, self-willed scripting up how to practically stand and walk without going back into suppression and remain as self expression as life...

With the public desteni informations(videos, articles), especially with what they began to share -- one can stand up as self and direct their life in a stable, self-supportive environment......
But SRA is specifically starts to assist to understand how the systems work in this world, how the mind works - by using words and events and experiences in a way what can show the starting point of our acts - about who I am and how I became who I am today...
And with the same point - I can change myself - I can stop things, I can learn, start new expressions, because this would be the normal, self is directing, self is exploring etc...

To going to the farm - it was obviously new - but for sure I realized already that they can not fake this deep self-support -- in private chats I discussed long long times with the Portal, many beings who already dead and no one would believe that I did chat with Bruce Lee or Hitler - for me I do not care who they were before but what they said....strange...

In a time, about november of 2007, they did Portal video interview, 'tree of life talamon' for instance - to support those who want to change and spoke about how the being experience me - it was really not that 'nice and positive' but exactly saying what I experienced - it was obvious that noone could know that - even from south africa, the things what I only knew when I was a child, and me also forgot but not totally etc...so at that point I was sure that this is real...and I must act myself, no more waiting...

so at the farm, I talked many hours with 'resonances' - the systematic part of me - and explained how I experienced in my childhood - from the beginning and why and how I still am influenced with specific polarities what I did not yet transcend...


But when I met with them - they were so normal people - very directive, very strong, very stable, actually very humorous and supportive people - and the Portal so normally changed beings by a breath to speak, sometimes I did not notice - only by the accent and movements, that it was Veno already and not 'AA'.
Very intense to be with them, they, as a group, they realized and shared much between them directly, so that's the point - within a group, one can walk a bit faster the same process by direct assistance - to shorten timeloops for instance - and using already proven practices to stop specific dishonesties...

some could not be with them too much, I heard rumors for a guy some inner shit came up and one for instance went naked and played wacky and played with his own shit - went crazy possessed by delusions - so he left obviously the farm very fast...
but some stayed there for years to learn and assist - very cool farm with 14 dogs horses ducks cats etc
many physical work we did there - I like physical work - when I was kid - I always wanted to 'think it over' and find a way to work the least as possible physically, but now I like to be my body, I like to support and enjoy my body, strange - but this is who I am at the moment, so no separation I allow with my body...
just like as dance - acid trance parties - I danced and I was tripping, flying
now I dance I am aware here what is happening, and I direct and move body and enjoy moving breathing without defining, without going after something or going away from anything...
without any stuff I can enjoy and next day I wont be dizzy, and what I like more is that I am at the party and I can be with different people - and I am not like ' mushroomhead' for 5 hours no choice - but i can be who I am without using very directive influences

for instance to find something on acid was really hard for me(my phone or keys etc) - so in these moments I was sure that I am not really 100% capable --

or on acid and mdma i wanted to dance so so so strong that it was not my choice - it was really fun in that time, but now I want to be directive - it's strange, it's like I do not crush my ego, I do not explode my ego, I simply slowly expand it until the whole universe can fit within me without me reacting on it - because my reaction separates from the direct experience - so I chose experiencing the universe instead of defining it what it would be...

same as my desire - I desire a part of me what I experience - as you did with that girl --
so check out what is that what you are experiencing within her, with her, about her within you etc -- to see what you are separated from -- what is in fact YOU -- so first find yourself - find your location --

the original desteni faq spoke about 'refractions' - when I am refracted, sliced up in space and time - I react to specific places, beings by time to time - and I am not aware of the whole myself all the time -- but these are also me -- and these are also directing a part of me, and when I am not aware of my reality - my refractions - from what I 'feel' separated myself from - is also me - so I must open myself, I embrace, I unify myself in all ways -- every part of fears, desires, wants etc - because when it is here - it can be directed if there is no reaction to it - reaction is the act of separation -- and when I am separated from something - I can not direct it - only control, manipulate but that is not the simplest and the most effective...

--
also the guys who I met at the farm, many I knew already from vlogs, blogs through 2-3 years, and some of them I met(Leila,Maite,Gabriel) and after a long time I met with them - they were totally different, stronger, more direct, less waving...

but these methods do not help - it is the self who decide to stand, to birth real totally, breath by breath - and noone else will do it - so I will die like this or I change and I express Life...


so i say desteni is not bullshit, but you check it out, you trust you, or you're lost ;)

the mushroom etc i do not say they are bad, but if youare not directive, the stuff directs you...yes i know, tripping -

i do not want to trip anymore - i want the same in physical - to share, to stabilize, to manifest who i am in my acts, not in my trips -- okay if i am trippin and doing live music show meanwhile that's act - but the stuff is not the solution - for me acid finally was very confusing because for a moment it stopped the mind and i was 'free' of my past and I was innocence and not heavy but after hours, the acid what held back my mind was gone and I was who 'rebooted' my mind, I always wondered about why the trip ends, why not all acid broke through the 'matrix' -- because I was not ready, I was not able to be without definitions, without judgements, without thoughts - I became symbiotic with this energetic mind - what I already experienced - I can be without mind, it is more 'free' - but I was not able without psychedelics - for a while my girl growned cubensis and I ate so freakin lot mumumumumushushushushushrrom as I could - but I started to notice that trip by trip I am becoming a bit limited again and again and again - comparing with the first 'great' trips...
because in each trip - when it was over - I felt like my mind found a new point with it had to 'close down' within me - so then with many trips - I did not became powerful, directive - but more likely 1: I was able to see myself and the world like that; 2: when I was to realize that I am powerless and lost and being directed by outside forces, then I always had justification and reason, so it was okay to continue...
but after all - trips change, they became less colorful for me from about the point when desteni say they 'shut down heaven' - and my trips became more 'physical', less 'rainbowlighted' - it was not that attractive and I had no more visions/dimensional experiences/voices etc -- the visual was still waving, the sound was still more direct, but it became extremely simple in a way - and always I got this enormous tiredness at the end of my last trips that I felt I die - when I 'rebuilt/rebooted/restarted' my 'normal' human life after the trip - that was more and more heavy and painful 'coming back' to where I am weak and lazy and procrastinative('I will do it later') and I always had excuses to not having what I dream about...

so I had to stop tripping - and start to deal with physical - also I walked a lot on Earth, Asia, Africa, Europe and I saw many painful, zombi-like beggers, poor, weak, ignorant humans and it was really painful, also I worked for a while for government, military, law system - I wanted to face these directly - to realize what is going on - that what I like in Europe as cheap for instance - that is the result of working of 5-6 years old children - with that - I say fuck china market, we must stand up who have for those who do not have because then my realization is really separated and only about me - so I started to check out how the system work, politics, media, banks, mafia, governments, groups direct the whole system with an average earthly abundance - there would be enough place, food for all, but humans are fucked

so the more I am becoming inside stable - the more I want to express that I am changing inside and I want to change outside also, I want to support those who stand up for life...

so then we decided at desteni to share and form a network on internet and share as much as possible about our life, experiences, falls, realizations, because that can assist those who are in that for instance --

also you where are now at the bottom - if you start to share how you stand up from that where you are in at the moment - that will be one more 'self' who stand up by self-decision - and you express - you influence others and you can assist those who are walking the same as you walked before - and by that you are correcting yourself and the other in act and stability
thats very cool

so you decide and act - very cool you want to change, rebirth - see for yourself - is this really you who want change, who want to be - and if yes, then expresssssssssssssssss


one year ago i met also with a girl who I knew before and then I wanted to be with her - but after a while she did not want it, she likes me very much but she is quite 'deluded' one, yet I feel this attraction towards her - not really strong anymore, but still can pull some strings within me - so it is cool to face her and see - how and why I am automated and play with that - to stop it if I want to stop it - it is the basic - otherwise I am fucked by living in hollywood in my head...

I gave up on her quite soon because she did not open herself, I was really not patient, and now she is opening up - not for being girlfriend, but as a being - and it is more real than just for the energy - but to assist her to realize her truth - as myself - that's cool

use words as bricks of reality - give power to your words by doing what you say and saying what you do - I am the Living Word - so use you already got words to figure out your location - to see from where you start and what is your starting point. if the starting point is not real - you will fall - lol enjoy -- but then it's cool, you tried a starting point, did not work, you chose a more infinitely appliable one and then test it in living...

For me Oneness and Equality is the basic principle in all ways, that sounds very generalized but in application it is always of and as Self Here.

so it is your turn - you got cards, now you turn them to gifts - gifts of your freedom - because if you stand up from this and you choose life and stand -- you are you this time more than before - because nothing from this world helped and valued in that - only you as breath - you birth self from nothing real and stand up -- this is creation of life - enjoy
t.

Self forgiveness on quantity of information

Doing SRA information processing, I had an inner reaction to a bunch of directories what contain directories with files - my inner reaction was it is too big, it is too much to process.
I do not accept limitation like that - I stand up and I forgive myself for limiting myself with defining information as too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information regarding to it's size.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information according to previously defined informations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull back from processing a specific information because I defined it as big, great, huge, lot - instead of realizing - at one breath I process a specific amount of information - in the next breath I process the next one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define files within directories within files as a lot information - instead of realizing that the quantity what I am referring to as 'lot' - is based on my self-definition according to quantity.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define that I am capable of processing only a specific amount of information regarding to my past, regarding to my fears of I might be not able to process this information - instead of realizing - I am here, I express, I breathe without any self-definition. If the information is too big, then I use some methodology to walk through it effectively.