[JTL 103] Anxiety from feeling not using time effectively

This experience of separation came up recently within that when feeling like not using weekends effectively, meaning wanting to experience more than actually doing. Preventing to accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I define myself according to how I was yesterday and defining myself as stable according to memories yet in this moment allowing myself to hold onto a feeling of that definition and misunderstanding what is stability in terms of not giving into the energetic temptation of feelings what stops me to be the same yesterday, today, tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry and fear without being aware of to balance out my actions in order to have these feelings of 'defined myself being stable' and then by that feeling suppressing the 'original' fear of not being stable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any fear of not being stable and the recognizing it does not solve anything because then if I do not understand where it comes from, actually from very specific participations what I am within currently and not being self-honest to go to the deepest core of it's starting point - I am band aiding my worry and fear what I suppress and manifests as energy compound as anxiousness, anger, depression what makes me more reactive than being aware of that I must be directive in all moments.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what exactly I react to in specific situations because it is too fast while I allow myself to be occupied in my conscious mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions meanwhile what I've programmed into and as my human physical body to feel and react - will go automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the necessity to let go thoughts/feelings emotions is not the solution but the foundation to start dealing with the issues within my subconscious, unconscious what is already programmed into and as my human physical body and to be aware of it I require to stop the occupation to be aware of the body, how the body reacts to situations and by that becoming aware of the subtle changes and stop myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I disregard the physical awareness of my body when not breathing within presence awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself who likes to be alone in the weekends because of if I do not define it and do not have the reaction for defining so, then I might end up being with people within what I do not do what I really want in terms of progress of my commitments and within that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to split within by wanting to be with people meanwhile if I do see my priorities I am not comfortable to be with people because I've defined not really important and relevant and supporting what I mostly do with people IRL compared to what I can do and actually do in terms of my commitments of writing, courses, process and equal money-related activities what I decided to do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not self-honest with myself in terms of not being able to direct what I really want and that to say, communicate to people within the worry, fear that I might seem not logical to them and they might judge me and in fact I judge myself and my relationship with them and based on that judgment I go into reaction and then doing what I see in the moment of the feeling as I am supposed to do instead of stopping, breathing, seeing the whole day, myself, the person(s) and decide within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already realize and see this within me how I compromise my self-trust and self-direction within the consideration of my previously defined relationship with people and the worry of losing it and not correcting it in and as the moment, each moment it comes up and allowing it to come up because I am in that moment already occupied with another things as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be occupied with things meanwhile I also have points to really deal with and not accept it and as within doing separated things automatically within conscious mind and within feelings in the body and actually doing things and saying things and not being all as equal as one as myself as the words as who and what I am living therefore not being unified, not being fully in and as the moment as expression but fragments and fractions of past, present, future of consciousness and not realizing that this is not Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am not scheduling, prioritizing my days, then time will go and I allow reactions to direct me and in fact when I am clear and able to decide within common sense what is best for me, then not giving the opportunity to myself to act accordingly and blame the scheduling as not working for me and not realizing that within blaming I only blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use weekends effectively because allowing friction and conflict by opposite definitions within the polarity of 'structure'/'spontaneous' and wanting to get both at the same time and within and as the mind it is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the solution as decomposing the words I am experiencing conflict within to reacting to such as relaxing, resting, enjoying, entertaining, gaming versus working, doing job, progressing, doing my commitments and never realizing that I can actually do work, job, progress, commitments while being relaxed, enjoying and that I can immediately correct within myself to actually see why I am not enjoying and doing progress in a relaxed way and seeing what is this tension what I allow meanwhile expression, especially recently realizing I am capable of being active while being relaxed at the same time in and as the body and mind without stress, energy, compulsion, force.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that resting and entertainment is required because of releasing the tension, frictions, frustration, the opposite of being relaxed and within self-honesty still I can give some time for actually enjoying myself with watching/doing film, listening/dancing to/making music and meet people.

I commit myself to stop manifesting conflict within myself during the weekends where I want to rest and be busy at the same time and not realizing that if I am not clear, then both wanting to do at the same time and that cause conflict if I am reacting by definitions of what is relaxing, enjoying, resting and what is work, job, progress, commitment to do.

I commit myself to remain self-honest within decision making when I do something and if I go into ambiguousness or doubt or self-judgment, conflict, even as a feeling, I stop and I write a list what is practical and can be done on that day and actually do it.

When and as I feel like there is a tension and I am suppressing breath, I pose my body into uncomfortably, even at computer, while reading, while doing food, speaking with someone - I see within directly what is the reason within my mind and how I can stop the conflict and tension and uncomfortably and when possible, I act and if not then I consider is it important to continue? And if yes then I discipline myself to do it for instance things I've defined as boring, robotic for instance shopping and I re-align myself with presence and be aware that in any moment I can express myself undefined and unlimited and actually enjoy even going to shopping or shoveling shit as when I do it, I do it because it must be done as I decided so and that I make it done simply and effectively without the judgment of positive and negative.

When and as I worry of not using time effectively, I check myself what is the reason of this feeling and am I self-honestly using time effectively considering principle and my location? And if not, then I re-align and act accordingly and and if yes, then I stop this worry and I trust myself and I remain here, disregard thoughts, definitions, whatever comes up, I forgive, I let go, I breathe.

When and as I fear from wasting time I realize it is because I am not here, I am not breathing effectively, because I am not absolutely Self-honest, and I re-align myself, I realize what is the reason, the starting point of such mis-alignment from HERE and I breathe and act and trust myself within my decision.

When and as I worry about not using my time effectively, I really look into myself and I use lists and time schedule and I KEEP it and giving myself the structure for stop worry and accumulate Self-trust and Self-confidence and Self-will breath by breath.

When and as I think that I should do something because I did not do it since a while, I realize I suppressed this doing so and I look what is the reason this coming up and what is the reason of requiring energy and inner dialogue to persuade myself to do this instead of just doing it?

When and as I think I must have rest and entertainment, I check: is this from anxiety of not doing my priorities to feel good? And if yes, then I do my priority and realize, the entertainment will always wait for me, and I can use time effectively to PREVENT anxiety.

I realize this feeling of anxiety of not using time effectively comes up when I am not fully here, not directing, not being clear and not being-self-honest for a reason(or reasons), so I see what is the reason and I realize the solution and I stop it by applying the solution within self-trust.

I commit myself to not accept myself to live within anxiety any worry, I stop the conflict and the reason for it and if it is not clear, I investigate, I forgive, I let it go word by word, breath by breath.
To be continued, meanwhile study and learn so much from this new education:
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[JTL 98] Expression without energy directly here

I forgive myself that I have never considered to express myself without inner reactions, not realizing that this inner space I've defined is not real and not supporting me as Life but separates my beingness from direct here.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that within allowing myself to react inside what only myself I feel, I think, I become emotional is a reaction for the fact that I wanted to feel separated from what is here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that within thinking and speaking to myself actually I am within fear of not being able to directly see, understand, realize what is here, who I am, what to do and why I am here.

I forgive myself that I have not considered that within fear from not being able to understand/realize/see who I am without thoughts/feelings/emotions is based on the personality, character I've learned to became in order to survive and protect who I perceived myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not considered that within any moment giving into fear I actually manifest inner reactions what will generate energy which is friction what I experience as myself and only myself, as separated from what is here in and as the physical and not considering that this energy is coming from the physical, here.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that everything here is of and as the physical and without it who I've defined myself to experience, feel, be by and as energy is gone, therefore within any lack of consideration of physical here is in fact I disregard who I really am as substance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fear from not having energy, enough energy, good energy, positive energy actually I am already within and as energy who I define myself to be and use as reference to be who I perceive myself to be and use this as comparison and starting point to tell me who I am of and as energy by and as disregarding what is here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what energy I will experience within myself if I do things what I have defined as negative and not realizing that what I feel as energy is not real - but as consequence of accumulation of disregarding who I am as substance which is neither positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk into situations wherein I stop feeling positive energy, start feeling negative energy as tension, resistance, anxiousness and not realizing that this energy reaction is showing me what I have allowed myself to automatically be defined by and as the circumstance I am within and actually this is the moment when I can understand how and why I abdicated my direct presence and re-align myself as starting point as, direct, physical.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that my physical body as being naturally present and physically feel good is not the same when I have energetic reactions towards defining and reacting to things what I've defined as good for me, others and by the reaction and energy movement feeling good, separated from direct physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to differentiate from what is physical direct here feel to what I feel within me of and as energy as reaction by and as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from feeling physically good which is an indication that I am within and as my human physical body and currently being alright, because judging it as bad as self-interest within the fear of having this as mind-experience and fear from remaining so therefore by this fear actually not being able to be relaxed and natural within and as direct here-ness as physical presence as feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from feeling good as defining myself who I perceive myself to be as can not be trusted within what I experience as good within the constant need for defining good and avoiding what I've defined as bad and within not trusting this yet doing it actually I've manifested not trusting myself in every moment at all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that not need to define physically feel alright as good, and by this definition actually feel good in and as reactions and by that have this 'feel good', just because I've defined and accepted myself to not be able to constantly be aware of the body, how the body feels, how it is 'doing', 'going'.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can trust myself within taking the time to experience my human physical body to be here and to realize that this idea of 'having and taking the time' in and as my body here is who I am currently and not needing to have a reason, a justification for why I put my starting point in and as the body.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any reason for why putting my starting point in and as my human physical body here is of and as the mind as personality of lack of self-trust as manifested consequence of fear.

I am here, i am grateful being here, direct, physical human body.

I do not require a reason to experience, to feel, to be this body who I am manifested as physical flesh.

I let go the need, the strive, the tendency to disregard physical presence by focusing to energetic movements, reactions to thoughts, feelings and emotions and I am directly here in every moment, constantly, consistently with no reason, no gain, no hope, no fear.

I understand, realize, remember that I trust myself to be direct physical flesh with no thoughts, reactions, emotions, feelings required but be direct expression, presence, consistency.


When and as I experience disregarding physical presence of focusing to thoughts, feelings, emotions, definitions, I stop it, I re-align myself to be here, as the body, as my feet, arms, trunk, head as one as equal as myself undefined, breathing.

When and as I experience tension forming in and as my human physical body by disregarding what I actually do here and focusing, choosing, following energy within and go into the polarity game of positive, negative in and as the mind, I stop it, I stop myself, I breathe, I let go, I become comfortable and relaxed within what I actually do physically and I re-align myself as self as flesh as physical unconditionally.

When and as I fear from losing my physical presence by going into situation wherein I have memory of losing my presence within reactions towards points I've defined as separated from me by requiring to define positive and negative within the starting point of fear - I let it all go - I breathe, I embrace the moment as everything is here as myself and I trust myself and remain inner silent and I act.

When and as I doubt within myself to be able to express myself and not fall and fail - I realize it is of memory as fear, so I stop it, I breathe, I re-align myself to be and as the physical body as direct expression and I forgive myself what I have allowed myself to react to and be defined by as energy and I let go all energy and I trust myself here unconditionally.

I commit myself to remain always here in and as the physical body as flesh as substance as Life unconditionally and disregard all energy, all thoughts, all feelings, all emotions within the realization that these are of and as the personality of the mind as accumulation of fear, doubt, separation.

I commit myself to be comfortable and consistent within and as being present in every moment unconditionally, always the same, as myself yesterday, today, tomorrow within the consideration of what is best for me is what is best for all.