[JTL 41] Self-forgiveness: death

Self forgiveness on my previous blog post:

• [JTL 40] Life or death is human right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from death because it is unknown and who I've defined myself to be would be no more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of myself fearing from death directly and suppressing it into and as some sort of emotion balanced out with a feeling and suppressed into and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about death and not realizing that thinking about it does not mean anything because thinking is within the box and death is outside the box of thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself as human and all humans for what is what we are as living and aging and dieing and never considering that this is a consequence what is the result of acceptance and allowance happening since quite long time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that blame and projection of responsibility is never the solution but the justification and excuse for myself here not standing up and doing what is obviously required so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my duty is to feel all right, to feel good, to feel cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from touching a dead person about finding out that is he/she maybe really dead and then being reminded that this is what is inevitable for me and then fearing from reacting with fear what then would not be me to make possible to feel good, alright because it is a contradiction that all I ever build and experience will be gone and nothing will remain of who I am here now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for wanting to keep me realizing before growing up that I will certainly die regardless of anything and then that would make me mad or crazy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my family within anything really because they apparently do not make sense with all the pursuit of avoiding suffering and wanting to have good feelings meanwhile death will certainly end it and it's like it is decided by something beyond them/us that how long we live and then it is happening to us beyond our comprehension, our power and direction and that feeling wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how my sister defined me once as a strange man who always things about death and then defining myself as so and by that defining myself as different than others because really thinking about the one thing what all others avoid thinking because apparently it is not good, bad, uncool and fearful.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all my thoughts are limited based on my previous experiences based on my family, my readings, the movies I've watched, the experiences I've had - so it is a result of my past and it is irrelevant within experiencing the moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed and sad and depressed when found out that we all going to die just like my grand-grandpa who did not seem quite happy and believing that it is alright to be sad when someone dies.
I forgive myself that I have never ever questioned the feelings I experience within myself towards experiences and words and definitions and symbols, just like death, dieing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have associations to the word death without myself being aware of them and reacting to the word with reacting the associated words as well without me being aware of them or even considering to understand how it is so and why and what would mean to stop and what is beyond stopping my thoughts about death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define that I can have a chance to figure out my and others life and death by thinking, intensifying thinking and thinking more and faster and not realizing that the very manifestation of thought is indicating within that I am stopped as expression as physical and started to speed up as suppression of self-dishonesty manifested by and as thoughts as equal as one as myself within and as the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone who wants to have suicide or who did suicide as fool and not realizing that my judgment is fear projected out and not being able to realize that I fear from facing death of someone who I've defined as I know her/him, who I've defined as value within my self-definition systems without even considering that it is based only and directly as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to consider that what we are actually doing physically, really as humans and until personally I did not taste the hell within and myself physically - I never considered that it is not the best for all participants what we call as humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only when experiencing inconvenience and pain and suffering directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatize myself in a way which through I can remain within the self-accepted limitations meanwhile hoping that it might end one day without myself needing to face and realize and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the fact that I am programmed to be as who I am and not being able to stop everything within in one breath, not even ten breaths but I must walk the unification of myself as purifying myself within a practical and consistent walk regardless of how much time it would 'take' - it is myself who I walk and time is irrelevant.

When and as I experience sadness regarding to death - someone's death who is dead or someone is going to die or someone might die - I realize that it is an already accepted relationship between words within myself who I've defined myself to be and that I react to and that charges the emotion of sadness within me what I can stop by slowing down and allowing myself to let go the definitions and remain empty within by disregarding the thoughts by regarding my physical presence as breathing.

When and as I judge someone for fearing from death - I realize I am projecting self-judgment towards somebody meanwhile I am reacting to death with fear and projecting it out and believing than it is alright if I blame somebody for expressing fear from death - instead of actually realizing what is going on within myself and allowing myself to be open to experience the other being without definitions.

When and as I think about death, my death, somebody's death - I realize it is about fear - fear from death - what I stop by living in every moment of my life within self-honesty to not needing to be ashamed when it is ending in a moment.

When and as I do not allow myself to explore self-honesty in every moment - I realize that my time is going out and without any reaction or fear or resonant association - I simply let go what is within me and use common sense.

When and as I am being defined by others as strange man because apparently not feel bad when facing death - I remain inner silent - it is not about what people define of me and how I react to it - but it is who I am in the moment as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge institutional death-industry as fools for violating the reality of human's death by using it for religious and government purposes without people realizing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I want to expose the religious death-business as profitable business instead of directly doing so without suppressing it within fear from consequences of unknown.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within entertainment and energetic obsessions within myself when experiencing fear from death without even realizing it such as sexual desire and wanting to have good feelings instead of face an other level within myself and stop the self-accepted resonant fear from unknown levels of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my breath here while facing death or facing reasons of fear from death while losing presence by following reactions with thoughts, feelings, emotions instead of realizing that I am real as flesh presence within breathing action within common sense within the interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rules within my life because of indirect consequences of fear of death and never questioning it because at one moment it server my apparent surviving and remained so meanwhile both I and circumstances changed yet I am automated into the same cycles without being aware of how and why I've did it in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic movements within myself without questioning it and disregarding my human physical body unless the feelings are judged within as good.

I commit myself to stop being addicted to feel good and even to feel good stopping feeling good from what I've defined myself as feeling good from/towards it by the self-definition of self-delusion of freedom and not realizing that it is a cycle within energetic polarity systems.

I commit myself to investigate all fears I am facing and I commit myself to stop accepting myself existing within fear.

When and as I fear - I realize I fear from death as fear from not manifesting my desires therefore that is my fear that I can not fulfill my desires and that's causing me fear from death because then if I die all my purposes as fulfilling my desires will not be possible therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my desires and define circumstances according to my desires and my relationship with fear from not fulfilling my desires and die within that self-definition.

Self has been automatized by and as self-dishonesty manifesting personality what one can not see because by that perceives reality - the only way out from self-defined mind-reality superimposed into physical reality is by walking out with the compass of Self-honesty within practical Self-forgiveness by consistent writing.
That is a 7 years Journey to Life

Have a foundation of what is Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-intimacy at DIP LITE.

Self-forgiveness on following distractions while doing SRA/Desteniiprocess homework

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by things at my computer, especially when I do have access to Internet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention by things popping into my mind while I am focusing to do something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to check things out at the internet while I am doing SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept distraction when I decided to do something - I do NOT follow thoughts of what I should check - even when it's just seconds.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I let myself to be distracted from what I am doing - I am accepting myself as being distracted, I accept myself as divertion instead of pushing the activity as myself within full focus until it's done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow popping up ideas and thoughts while I am focusing to do something what I decided to do so, because I allowed myself to fear that if I would not check the thing what popped in my mind - then I would forget it - instead of realizing that I can direct myself to remain aware of what I wanted to do WHILE I am still focusing to do the activity - within this particular example, the SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept distractions while I am doing SRA exercise - I am in fact deliberatedly trying to divert my attention from the SRA homework as a manifested resistance from doing it until it's done.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I participate within unconscious resistances towards something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I participate within unconscious resistances towards SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to automatically follow the distraction points while I am doing SRA homework.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am being diverted by distractions from SRA homework until the internet was gone - and here is no internet at this moment, so after two-three tries of doing some other activities - and I could not - I realized that I participate within directly physically manfiested distractions - and I do not think of it, I do not wonder, I act immediately and even sometimes allowing such an inner reaction as: "I just check this out, its just seconds" - and it might be only seconds but while I participate within distractions - I can again accept distractions and then the time is already being spent on what is not really relevant from the perspective of I decided to do at this time the SRA homework.

If I sit down to do SRA homework, I direct myself to remain within focus.
If I experience a thought popping up about what I should check out/do while I am focusing on SRA homework - I remain within the awareness of Self-direction that I am doing SRA homework now - and I simply note down the thing what I will LATER check/do if I want to do so.
If I experience a thought poppping up about what I should check out/do while I am focusing on SRA homework and I do 'automatically' follow it and starting to do it - I realize that I am being distracted, I am diverting, I let it go, if required, I may make a note about doing that and re-aligning myself with and as inner silence and keep doing the SRA homework.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and do anything what pops up within my mind in the moment because of fearing of otherwise I might forget that to do - instead of simply making a note into an other document for instance a 'todolist.txt' and remaining within the context of the current focus of SRA homework.

Self forgiveness on energy, consistency

Energy, defining 'woman-like' energy based on self-judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that woman has longer energy cycles than men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define somebody according to his/her gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as they have longer cycles because of menstruation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself energetically as a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to recognize that I have allowed myself to define myself according to genders.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to the computer when something is not works like I imagined or preferred - instead of realizing that by knowing the system I can embrace it and direct it as myself but if I judge it - I am separated from it and I am being directed by this point of separation as my self-accepted self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am accepting myself as anger at the moment when I exert it onto things, people instead of realizing that if I do not participate - it is not here as it is not real but if I move according to anger - I am of it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my anger towards to the computer is in fact an anger towards myself - but if I do not realize this - I am not able to stop it as i am occupied with the computer instead of looking into myself and see the core of the anger of myself.
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Fear from not I am not being good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others might say or think that I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes, because I defined mistake as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as bad because then I would think or perceive myself as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to exist without definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am defining - I am of and as the past what is not real here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to moments when I judged myself as I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to the event that when I was a little kid and my mother sent me into choir and after the first session, the teacher told me that 'you should not need to come next time' and then I've defined myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being not good enough because then I might not be needed for anybody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be needed by others instead of being myself as who I am as Life, regardless of anybody or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to prove that I am good enough for others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to proving that I am good enough for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would judge myself as good enough, I could be a better man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become a better man because as who I am here, I've defined myself as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from people's judgement as 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I act according to polarity of good/bad - I am of this polarity equation, I am limited to this polarity system, I am of this system, who and how I act is of this self-accepted self-definition system.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am accepting myself according to polarity manifestations such as good and bad - I can not comprehend what is physically here because I am participating, I am expressing through and as and within a system what is not physical, what is not here, what is not consistent, what is not best for all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if my principle is not 'what is best for all' - then I am of self-definition system by participating within definitions what I reacted to within the past by self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my expression according to any memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I am not good enough' instead of realizing that I am using self-definitions to compare myself with self-accepted definitions, what are in fact based on specific self-dishonesty points.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how I do participate within the self-definition of 'I am not good enough', instead of being absolutely self-honest with myself and seeing what self-dishonesty I've accepted and become within myself and then realizing how and why I participate within such a self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I compare myself to anything according to judgments about things - I am of definitions, I am of memories, I am of dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I participate within such a statement, as 'I am not good enough' - I am participating within a polarity system, based on positive and negative - as 'good' and 'bad' - and within this system - I am limited of this polarity system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I act within self-definition based on judging myself according to 'good and bad' - I am of the mind, I am of the self-definitions, I am of dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to polarity-based value systems, such as 'good and bad' - instead of realizing that within participation of polarity of the mind - I am limited to self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept such a judgment within myself as 'I am not good enough in zzz' - then I have self-definitions accepted and 'lived' as system within myself as self-dishonesty according to 'zzz' - for instance writing music.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I experience such a reaction within me as inner reaction(thoughts) or outer reaction(spoken words) - then I must realize the subject of this judgment and seeing what preconditions I've limited myself into and as and I forgive those as letting go and stopping to participate within to let go any definitions of the mind unconditionally.


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Fear from not having enough time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have enough time instead of realizing that if I separate myself from time - I am not aware of it as myself but of and as judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that 'not having enough time' is self-dishonesty as time in physical reality is not relevant as it can not be touched.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define myself as 'I do not have enough time' when I participate within a polarity system where I judge my acts according to self-definitions such as 'useful' and 'unuseful'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as Self-Will all ways here, but I am being directed by influences by the senses, as I am being directed and influenced by impulses through manifesting self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to specific activities and if I do not 'act out' these activities - then I define myself that I am not myself - instead of realizing that this self-defined depiction, based on self-definitions is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define parts of myself as more important than other parts of myself for instance in a moment I define sexual activities as not important because I defined other activities as more important, for instance doing my job - and by that I am acting according to definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do suppress sexual activities because I do not have time for this - then this activity, what I suppress - will compound energetically - and this energetic compound will be exerted in a moment when I am not directing myself as myself as presence as breath as physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am suppressing any part of myself - I am compromising equality within myself and by the principle as oneness and equality - the suppression will be equalized by systematic energetic charge-ups and discharges regardless of my will.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am possessed with a specific type of expression - I am not myself but of system of self-definition-based act without I am being aware of the why and how and in fact it may occur that I am unable to stop it as it is 'being expressed' when I am not here as the directive principle as Self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define for instance computer gaming as 'complete waste of time' - yet I've defined myself according to computer gaming - I manifest suppression of 'wanting to play computer games according to self-definition' - and when this suppression is getting too much - it will take over regardless of my actual 'conscious decisions' of time management of my day and I will be 'possessed to play out' computer games according to self-accepted self-definitions - and physically manifesting the playing computer game continuously - regardless of my Location as current responsibilities - and by that - at the end of the day - I will experience this 'not having enough time'.

Instead of realizing - that looking into myself at the moment and deciding to give specific recurring timeframe for instance for computer gaming for 2x2 hours a week and then I will not suppress it and it will not grow inside - and I will be able to assist myself to not being lost within time by suppressing and exerting self-definition-based expressions to stabilize myself for a moment until I can stop self-definition-based programmed expressions.
The same goes with all activities, for instance at the moment: music, sex with my partner etc.

When I do say - I do not have enough time - I am not present within moments and then I am unable to direct myself to act according to my decisions to do my activities - then I experience that I do not have enough time, then after some 'self-defining of I do not have enough time' - I define myself consciously as 'I do not have enough time' - but then I experience this frustration that I can not do what I decided to do so - and I am not the directive principle to be able to 'give time' - then I resonantly start to fear from not having enough time - and participating within this system - I am not consistent but fighting against time, fighting against myself and this is unacceptable.
I stop define myself according to time or lack of time.
I am here - I direct myself - and what is here physically is who I am - what is here right in front of my nose - this is who I am - this is what I take on without defining it - without defining it separated from me.
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Fear from not having the tools what require for the specific expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having the tools what are required for specific expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to my definitions of requirement for doing specific tools instead of realizing that I can always support myself with the basic tools of writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application - to realize what obsticles I've manifested and accepted within and as my reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the past I've defined myself as 'I do not have tools to express myself according to what I want' - and for releasing this fear - I've participated extensively within the current money system to be able to support myself and I did - and at this moment the tools are here with me - as my reality - and I've accepted and allowed myself to remain within this self-definition - without realizing that I've changed and the tools are here already, so redefining myself who I am is required regardless of the tools what I have as the starting point of myself is always myself standing here instead of defining my starting point according to physical tools and by that limiting myself extensively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tools what I've defined as 'required' to express myself - I can access, I can support myself to express myself - this is at the moment physical fact, so I am releasing this self-definition, that 'I fear that I do not have the tools to support and express myself'.

I am releasing and letting go this self-definition that I do not have the tools to support myself and in fact using what is here as myself without separation is the way to express myself.

script up for upcoming vlogs

I am preparing to make some video logs - almost everything is ready, so I will push this point. Also I will start to explore myself within sharing myself in my native language(hungarian). In various ways, I will be more fluid within the expression - but many words I never used in my language - I will have to establish a specific vocabulary to be able to explore - so within the process of explaining words and information - I will be able to see the words as myself - and to purify words to stand as the words and not the definition matrixes within the mind.
Things I will be sharing like
what is mind consciousness system, what is mind, what is consciousness, what is system.
What is man, what is human, what is life, what is not life.
What is the physical, what is here, what is equality, what is oneness.
What is separation, what is the core of the separation.
What is the process, what is self, what is self expression, what is self realization.
What is common sense, what is real, what is not real.
What is self honesty, what is self forgiveness, what is here.
What is location, what is movement, what is expression, what is stability.

Things like that I want to express within some basic videos in hungarian - for the first time - to see how I express, how it flows, how I remain within the expression as the moment.
To see what knowledge and information I speak as physical living experience of myself and what is of only a theory and a information placement of what I should live.
To see what I still holding on and what I already transcended, how I realize what is self-deception and how I explore and express the self-deception and how I realize it's core, how I stop it, how I forgive it and how I prepare myself to finally stop and change within physical, real expression.


Also in english vlogs - I will start to explain how I experienced my deceptions during my lifetime before process started - and then how I experienced myself within the deepest, darkest mind-pit where I put myself when I realized who I am and who I am not and how I managed myself to pick up myself and how I stood up from the excuses and justifications to stop the self deception and actually start birth life from the physical. What things I've faced, what was the difficulty, what was easy for me, how I scripted myself up to move myself, how I realized what I realized and how I stopped my habits of deluding myself with substances such as drugs.
Why I took the drugs, what delusions I experienced during the effects of drugs, how I experienced the physical reality or how I did not experienced the physical reality and what I thoughts, what I hoped, what I desired and why - in order to be able to remain within the self-delusions - such as I am special, I am chosen or I am protected by the system -- what events I had to face to realize that I am in the choice of life and death and that was seriously real experience.
So in the first vlogs, what I've shared in the ' talamoon ' youtube channel - I was sharing my experiences for others to be able to relate but at this moment I can be more directive, more specific and more precise within my expression and my process.
So I will expand by writing and vlogging hand by hand and it will be one and equal as myself as words as expression as myself, here.

Also I will push the point of physical equality, and physical experiences, how and what I experience - sometimes I am able to express myself accordingly - how I experience the mind, the physical, the energies, the self movement, the breath.