Imperative

It is imperative to not recreate the relationships - or even it's deception again -- I am specific - I stand I breath, I apply, I move, I change.

So I am going into well-described, communicated agreement only - otherwise I stand alone.

I do not compromise myself - in fact there is a girl who invited me to see that if we could form a sexual relationship based on honesty -- it is obvious that she has no idea about self honesty - as the last relationship was also like this -- K. did not know anything about self honesty and self foriveness - I trust myself in the moment - and I do not trust anyone else but myself here - and direct - assist, and move. Simple. Not defining but stating out that I am not willing to support self dishonesty - within other and within myself - same -- no more.

shaky mocky - all ways stand alone as facing death

Death teath teeth teather weather wealth health

When I was shaving my head - I was not aware of I was not here for long moments - I was of imagining - and after a while - I realized my hands and feet were shaking. Of course, the water was cold already, but that is not the reason -- somehow the system came into surface what makes me fear of death.
Fascinating - facing unknown - facing death -- when I as the system can not comprehend but I am facing through - this comes up and I am wondering about unreal things.
Bringing myself here - Presence, Push breath and express and explore what means to stand here as physical stability.
Yes - this is it - I am typing directly as myself as the computer and as I am breathing and I am saying the words - I stand - no separation I do allow by reacting, judging or even being unsure about what I am doing. This is who I am - I am Here.
Yes and then things happen and I am facing with resistance - no matter what - I push - I am this all - I am the resistance - I embrace, I understand, I am becoming aware of what I face - and then I move it as myself - no separation - no reason - no goal. Simply I am movement.

So this is at the moment where I share some points what I was experiencing recently.
So I was writing about how I experienced women recently - especially my partner, K. - At the middle of the week she wrote an email to me about - I must translate the whole letter as it is specific: I noticed that she is avoiding me, and it was apparently because she had inner conflict and self judgement, self hatred issues, and I pushed the point and offered her points to being stable and support directly - if she moves and changes in real by applying the tools...she said, yes, but never did really - so at the festival as she approached, I was seriously crystalcrisp about I am standing with her or without - but I do not allow her to remain in fucked up - and she was smoked - and I told her - enjoy yourself - and I left her -- after that she did not find me -- and after almost two weeks, I was working at the office, when she wrote this letter:

dear tala, well I disappeared, as you noticed...at ozora I fell in love and the outside world disappeared...since days i am trying to come back, not really I can...this is it, honestly, myself I am surprised about life...I do not know how to handle a situation like this, but I think that the honesty is the only way...
I need a bit more time to wake up, after that I will visit you...
to make love and to engage into intimate relationship I can not do anything else, only with my lover...this is strange for myself as well, but this is it...
but anyway, write about what is going with you, because I am interested(but if you dont want, I do not force it)
I hug you, k.

Well, that made me react lolol...Since december we regularly met and I was like - okay I do not compromise myself, I build agreement here - but she did not - it is proven here...
I was angry - and in fact angry to myself that I trusted her and I did not realize that she was not really moving but as I wanted her to move - she could act like that - and also within my hope - I saw her 'moving' - but in fact - if she can write a letter with such content of 'love, and I can not come back to reality' - I consider her as robotic as all the other human systems lolol.

So with this anger I was content for a while but then I started to apply self forgiveness - and in a hour the 'body' energetic compound disappeared - but within my head - sometimes came up -- and it was like re-reading the message to see that any reaction comes up - and in fact sometimes did -- surprise - yes - disappointment - not really - but it was cool because I am becoming more specific - not waving about the past but look what is actually here.
So that was about - after one day - I write loong letter to Marlen and it was cool - to write down all things and see that am I blaming? am I projecting? or I am expressing myself here?
So it was cool - and the whole thing started to manifest when I stared to focus onto the relationship to make it an agreement - in fact we agreed on some things - but it was not specific and not was of principle as oneness and equality...
But I accepted it - as I always existed in unequal relationships - so I make it happen by transition - it was phase two.
First phase was when I approached Gy who I knew long before and kind of liked her presence as she could express in a quite of innocence - but in other way she is well stubborn and suppressing - so I approached her and offered my unconditional assistance if we would form an agreement - of course with sex - but she evaded that - and this was the first attempt to approach a girl - without playing nice, without manipulation, without 'selling myself' - without using her dishonesty to make her move as I would do so -- and it did not work - it was fallen and even our 'contact' as relationship as some kind of 'friendship' fallen - for long months...

After that I said her that this does not work - and deleted Gy's number - simply showing my decision to her and to myself as well - that I do not take shit, i rather walk and die alone then I would accept bullshit...

So after that K came - and she somehow was attracted to me - I never really understood women why would do so lolol but it was okay -- I did not judge her as 'my type' - and that is what I liked - however she had a kind of expression what made me curious about how this being works?
And then she approached and asked for speak and then asked for massage and then for erotic massage - this was the third time we met and then we made meetings regularly - I stated out that I would not want romantic moments, rather direct self support based on self honesty and direct communication and she liked it and then the more we came 'together' in a way - I could express myself - and she even did that she told me several times when I was too much of 'speaking of information' to shut up - and also I did this to her - so it was the beginning...then by months - I was able to face the fact that my sexual desires are of delusion, are of mind - based on participation with porn and extensive sexual suppressions through my 'dark ages' when I was in drugs and spiritual agenda...
So I told to her that I am going to stop all of these but I would require more sex - more than weekly or twice in a month - and she agreed, but it never happened except two or three times...
So I had this focus on her and it clearly started to transform into discipline - but as my discipline and stability manifested - I started to push her more and more - and she fell - and I started to expect things from her - what she did not like - for instance to not drink alcohol - as she has serious issues to not being able to stop drinking and drinking alone and judging and hating herself...so it all came into surface when she evaded me and I was being tested that am I jealous? and after all it was gone - it came into the light that she was all alone and not wanting to face me because she was 'bitchy' - and I dared her to face me and allow me to come and intervene - but in fact - she was indeed - avoiding, evading, yes a bit bitchy - so then I was pushing her more - claiming her to write list and build self trust and she told me that she did - but anyway she told me that her previous relationship what lasted for 12 years - is still haunting her and she requires that guy's expression and she needs a bit of time and blah blah blah and then I told her that - "well, I am then dealing my sexual suppressed desire alone, but I let her be and then we will see - so since about 25 days I am doing this no orgasm experiment - in fact about 20 days before we did sex but no orgasm - but anyway since then I am disciplining myself to live without orgasm - and running after situations when I could have orgasm.
It assists me - but in times I still want to masturbate and even I watched sex movies - but then I stopped and I was exploring how it is triggered and how I am going to stop this for ever.
I am mailing with several women - and in fact some of them is almost 'asking' for sex - and I am going to face them but I told them that no promise, I am not going to being driven my dick - so no expectactions...

But it is fascinating to see that as I have no 'self-defined' partner anymore - the past just comes back directly - what I never transcended - for instance the desire for having sex - and in fact this is almost undefined - as in a way - I could define 'preferable' sexual experiences what my desires are about - but those would be obviously situations what in real life I am not interested....
For instance I visited sex club - swinger - when I was with people who do fuck with strangers as others speak - and I had no intent to participate with my dick - so when I had the chance to participate in orgy - I had the opportunity - but I asked myself? Is this what I really want? And the answer was directly no. So then that one was exposed - full of mind - not real - so I must go - as soon as possible - directly, in one breath.

And it is fascinating to speak with women - without actually being horny or aroused or even see them as 'sex object' - yes it sounds quite strange, but most of the men has this within teir mind - and when I do not participate - then I can experience the being - and the issues of her - and I can assist - without concerning about 'loosing my hope to have something sexual with her' - as in fact I never intended to.

Yet with the girl called Gy - we met again and I compromised myself in a way - as I was on the ground with her and I put my hand under her panties and grabbed her ass for a while and she had nothing to against it - and it was fascinating to see that I am still attracted to her body - what I allowed - and then we slept together in a tent within different sleeping bags - without anything sexual - as I had no intent to push this point with her anymore and also she told me that she has her boyfriend who would be in pain if he would know that she does sexual things with other boys - that was reasonable.
However I still experience that she sometimes even require this kind of attention from me - what is maybe a justification from myself to myself to not stop sexually approach her - but what is already a progress - that I had no big 'flyaways' - I was able to breath through when I could disregard the fact that better to remain here than being opposed by being rejected lol...

So that it is - I did not answer to K. anything else except 'no comment' -- and Gy left the country for weeks - so I am here to stabilize myself and in time I will face both - - the specificity and direct standing - and not driven by desire but as principle.


What is important - as I have a bit more 'time' because I do not spend with K. - that I can push more the SRA training - the mindconstruct and the basic components - and the self forgiveness - and then moving on to introduce daily the mind-charts usage - and face with resonances...

For now, this is it...

facing women directly again and compromising my presence with desire part 2

In the last letter - I was a bit of ranting and raving - many shit
came up as what was dishonest -
In that of 'I trusted in that she wont allow me to go to the point of
sex' - that is obviously mindfuck because I do not trust myself here -
rather in something what is outside of me -- that's a really great
self-compromise - and that fact that I was tired and a bit exhausted
from the festival and the weather - can not justify what and how I did
and how I see...

Also that when I was realizing that I still being attracted to her -
why I did not stop totally? So I see that I still wanted to get energy
regardless to the decision - and also I did not want to be so direct
that she would define it rude or rough - because sometimes I do so -
speaking like Bernard for instance - straight to the point -- and I
was of mindfuck because I wanted to sleep in her tent instead of being
wet by rain - it was comfortable and I could be with her - also she
wanted this and she wanted me to be around her obviously and I 'fell'
into that...

Also she mentioned that she has some kind of boyfriend - they do not
declared that they are together - but she wants sex with him only -
okay she told me also not 100%, but more likely.
So I see that I was dishonest in that because I wanted her regardless
of the facts that she is with somebody who is not there at the moment
- but I compromised myself because I justified that with 'she wants my
gestures anyway' - because she says that she wants us to be 'friends'
but sometimes asks me to lie on her from back on the ground or fondles
me or gives a tiny kiss - obviously she likes me but somehow something
is blocked within her and she does not want to step through that door
when she would 'lose' the control within this situation - so this is
how I see at the moment - she enjoys my attraction and she wants it
directed - and not allowing much but sometimes giving some to keep up
the energy going...
And as long I participate even with a slightest action - instead of
directly speaking up and not going anywhere but remaining HERE - I am
not here as myself but as of personality, energized and directed by
desire what is in fact self dishonesty because I want something to
experience what I perceive as separated...

So this is quite direct, how I lose my stability within the desire -
as in fact I don't want to meet her so much - and then when she
approaches - I say 'yes, cool, I can face her' - and then I see
points, yes - but in fact many times for several moments - I move
within the act of desire - then I 'wake up' so to speak - and then I
face myself - because sometimes even I have the tendency to 'becoming
cold serious' - to try to 'protect' myself from my desire - but then
it is obviously a polarity overbalancing - instead of remain here as
breath.

So it is strange enough to see that I am still facing the same point
of simply sexual desire regardless of the persons - and it is not an
excuse that with my partner it did not work as I wanted - because I
still allowed to compound sexual energy what made me move simply
towards an another woman - instead of not accepting myself as
energetic mind - but to stop and stop and stop and forgive and stop.
So this two letters I will blog out - it is obviously should be out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to
fulfill my desires with woman - instead of realizing that I am here -
and all of my desires comes from the starting point of
self-separation, therefore I wont be fulfilled by following any
desire.
I forgive myself that i went into the energetic playout of personality
manifestation by allowing myself to being attracted to any woman even
for a moment - because when I do so - I am not here as breath - but I
am within the energetic mind - what is conditional, preprogrammed and
limited and in fact not real, it is not who I really am - therefore I
realize - all of desires - is not of life. Desire wants me to go there
- but I can be only here.

I forgive myself that I placed trust into G. act about to being
stopped within my act of sexual desire - instead of me myself here I
stop, I direct, I breathe - because as I place my starting point as
trust into something outside of myself - I am not trusting myself here
unconditionally.

facing women directly again and compromising my presence with desire part 1

I was actually in a goa festival for some days - it was very intense -
and many times simply experiencing nature as storm and rain and mud as
I had no proper tent by random accidents - so I was busy with avoiding
rain and facing my accepted reality with women -- also I was at some
cool music, I enjoy to dance - but the festival I saw in a very
different eye than before -- last summer I was also there, but then I
was busy with one girl, G. and also I did not consider how money
structures and directs reality -- so at this time this is very much
happened - I will write in blog about how I stopped smiling
unconditionally lol especially when somebody smiles at me --
especially2 when women does that -- also how I saw through the pretty
women lol - as there were thousands - all pretty, nice colorful
clothes, sexy bodyparts shown up all over - but their movement, their
hand-finger movement, their facial expression, their eye, their voice
- exposed all personality - lolol I had to laugh that much that next
day I deliberatedly did "no smile but serious face" practice because
my face muscles got tired from laughing - at people - as at myself as
how I was deluded before - by the "philosophy of goa and ambient and
peace and love and freedom bullshit" and also by the beautiful unique
cool nice and attractive women -- all of these I saw through rigidly
so I was able to see what is behind it and how deeply people are
fucked in all ways - in this festival many dealers are selling acid
and smoke and mdma crystal and speed and all other shit - and of
course alcohol - in roads - people were standing in the center of the
road with a written sign of "ACID | MDMA" table - by advertising that
at them anyone can buy - there were many lolol - I was also with
people who took stuffs...
lol..

also about my partner, K. - we did not communicate much before
the festival, but that was obvious that she does not want to stand
directly and seriously - even when she was very unstable - I offered
my stability and she did not want that, rather to use alcohol and
smoke to fly around and to get some gestures from her previous
relationship, so I wrote her some very direct emails and she liked
that style but I explained to her that I am not this type of being the
bossy explainer soldier like person who shares wisdom and hard lashes
by words towards her - simply I did this as she wanted this - but I am
nothing of personality in real - and the more she wanted this - the
more I could walk through this and the less remains...lol so I was
like, then okay, she should say - no, Tala, no need serious change
support as self honesty - simply I want to have sex sometimes and
watch some movie together -- because I stopped all mind tentacles
towards another women as I saw the opportunity to form something more
"real" with her - but the pressure was obviously too much to her - she
evaded lol - she has cyclic waves within her "mood" and she likes to
visit me when she is in that mood when all is good - but then she goes
down and then she practices solitude, self hatred and self pity and
drinks alcohol until it is obviously a possession and she goes down in
energy shit and then she wants to go up and then she uses methods to
get energy back and then when all is fine - she plays and enjoys and
then all restarts - stupid judgements emotions loops makes her energy
go down -lolol
I noticed this already and made my notes how to realize and open and
expose these as mind and how to stop but she did not want my way...

so I pushed her more and more until many exposed - I expected
something from her - in fact many things - as I was like I want to
build trust with her - but she does not like the idea of I expect
things from her - especially constancy and stability - because she
cant stand that - so I offered her stability by meeting more often -
and have sex more often - she liked the idea but did not want in
"practice" - so we went to the festival but separated - and we met but
I was seriously "hard" with her and I was just going to sleep and she
was very smoked in that moment and she was happy to see me but I did
not - so I told her "enjoy yourself" and left her directly - a bit it
was intense but I did not fly away, but walked walked walked - I was
not in quiet peace somehow - but I did not 'feel' bad - I had to do
this to stand within myself - and to show her that I stand - no matter
what - regardless of personal(ity) stuff and even of desire - as I had
much of sexual desire at that moment towards her but to stand I wanted
more than start to play with her

so I declare this as the end of the second attempt(the first was with
an other girl, G, it was total catastrophe last year) to form
an agreement

it is very obvious that I expect very much from a girl - what noone
can or even want to stand with around me - so I am alone - the sexual
desire was very high, what is obviously of my dishonesty in the moment
- but as i danced - I moved though that so at the moment I do not need
the urge to have sex...

so with this girl I stand within the principle - and if she will
approach me - I stand as principle - agreement in real or I stand all
alone

-- so this was also in the festival -
and then I got sms from the G. girl, who I wrote before, who
with last year I was with at this festival, and who I was about to
offer her to an agreement but she utterly refused me and my approach
to have "intense physical contact" lol
that brought much up from me and I did not accept her delusion about
her spiritual practice and tibetian BS. so I stopped to meet her but
sometimes she seeks after me and then I can work with my past and to
see - still I have desire for her?

So at the festival she approached me, we met and we were together for
about a day - it was fascinating - sometimes I also had desire as I
noticed that I gave a kiss and fondled her tits and her pussy lol when
we did bath together but that was only moments - and I noticed -
something already changed - this and after these - I did not form
energetic compound within me - it was like at the first time I was
with her and when I noticed attraction - I breathed through or self
forgiveness i applied - it was cool - also I see a dishonesty as I
write this - as I was sure that she would not allow to go within this
touch games to the point of sex - so I was sure that I can play with
the situation - I could trust in that - she would not allow sex - and
I was able to express - not expecting, simply touching and speaking -
without sharing knowledge - but I am sure that if she would want sex -
I could not stop...
So it was intense realization that i still hold onto her a bit -- but
not that strong like last year when I had almost total system takeover
- I could stop system forming at this time...
i did not want to sleep with her - but my tent was destroyed by the
storm and it was practical so I accepted her invitation.
Also I had to help on stage in sunday morning - and she enjoys to be
with me but not when I speak of starting point and realizations - and
not when I want direct physical contact more than playing and hugging
- so sometimes we totally disagreed - but I was like - I embrace her -
I did not want to be rude - so we slept nothing special happened,
except I fondled her tits again lol
so after the concert - my another buddy is making cool
ambient - intense professional chill music - and I helped him on stage
- then I decided to come home - it was enough - the girl asked me to
stay with her, but I told her, it is enough - I go home, I rather do
things back there - and also I got utterly burned under sun, my face
skin is already being replaced by a new one....

also in one point with this girl - she was very bitchy simply because
she was hungry - lolol I laughed so much on her when she was playing
the mjaou mjaou cat cry and making like a stubborn 3 years girl - she
obviously wanted me to react with 'okay, I help you, I want to serve
you' - so I was waiting for her energy to go down - patience oh so
much patience is required for humans lol - then I asked her - 'okay,
now can you say what you want directly at least?' - as before I
attempted to ask her but she even did not like my words or tough - I
was completely locked out from her reality and she was sitting and
lying on the floor and playing painful - so after all she was able to
communicate about what is the situation and then got food for her -
but it was like - "I am so glad that she is not my girlfriend" -
nothing of beauty and coolness can overbalance this lack of reality
for almost an hour simply because she get really unbearable and
hysteric when she does not have food - and I told her - you see - 1/3
of humanity always experiences this, you know...

so it was cool to not let her alone in this - I considered that too -
but I realized - what the fuck I wanted from her except sex and her
presence of beauty? lolol

so it is all cool - two intense woman-facing experience passed and I
rather stand as principle and alone - if noone wants to stand as real
agreement -- than I compromise my self honesty

maybe my sexual desire within the city will grow again and then I will
attempt to have sex with other women - but I continue to expose and
stop my dishonesty by moment and moment

ooooooooooooooooh so that was about the festival - I did some vlogs
already before going to the festival but I could not render and upload
so tomorrow I will - more on money and one vote -- it is not that
perfect as I scripted up but the message I stand with

Statement

At the moment we must expand to become such a directive principle within the current system without any judgement, definition, inner movement or any energetic separation - to embrace, infiltrate, emerge, amalgamate and unify everything of the system within and as ourselves without separation to be able to direct it as ourselves within the starting point of Oneness and Equality as All as One as Equal as Life.
In fact this is a real test of our practical understanding of who we really are within and as the physical and to act within the principle of what is best for all. The more I write about this - the more I see that my accepted personality is in the way - so it must be stopped, released, forgiven and transcended absolutely, constantly in order to become effective as who I really am as Creation.

What

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.
So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...
Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lolol
But in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.
As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...
Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...
In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.
My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...
So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.

I am One Vote For Equal Money System

I am here to speak about Equal Money System. I stand for man within unification. Those who are self honest to understand the core of the problem - will hear the message - we must change the starting point of our system - what we agree as value of something worthy for living - what is best for all within a global view - not only seeing individual personal self interest, not only seeing on cultural programmed defense mechanisms but actually on the physical level as all individual being equally as one as life. It is unacceptable that those who have the opportunity - simply by having money to buy it - do not act to actually stand up for those who do not have such access for the basic necessaries for life such as food, shelter, REAL education based on common sense, within the starting point of self expression as moment as presence - not as the current system as of programmed consciousness system within the starting point of separation, fear, power, greed and profit.
It is not enough to mesmerize ourselves about wishes, prayers, positive thinking, blame as excuse from actually standing up within the act of finding practical solutions for stand up within and as the system and change it from inside out.

Understand that when one is not unconditionally giving up personal values and occupations for the act of unification within the equalization of physical power among human beings - then that one can not be trusted as it's starting point is of systems - is of self interest is of separation is of accepting indirect abuse within the active conscious understanding that the lack of act is in fact the act of evil - because with the power that one is possessing - simply maintaining and participating within such a system what allows millions of children work like slaves, hundreds of millions of people starve and die within agony day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Hundreds of thousands of people who are soldiers of war - are living in the brink of death day by day facing the hell of humanity, the hell of earth, the systematic and conscious, demonic and evil destruction of nature by not else than humans who do not realize that they lost themselves absolutely within the system - humans are fighting for their country, for their family, for their money, for their peace, for their life - and in fact everyone is fighting within the starting point of fear.

Therefore I am busy disassembling my fear-based personality system by the applying self forgiveness and self honesty, writing and sharing of building blocks of my mind consciousness system personality manifestation what is in fact in the way of being effective and expressing my starting point as Life - what is best for me? It is what is best for all.

Therefore I stand for Equal money system, I vote for Equal money system, I vote for world equality, within and as the physical location as called Talamon Jozsef Berta within and as my human physical body because I want change, I want equal rights for all unconditionally.
I am aware of this sounds idealistic, but in fact I rather do it 100% before I judge it, I rather explore the consideration of Equal Money System - instead of judging it - because if one is accepting & protecting the current money system - can not be called as life - because it is simply not.

Therefore until it's done, until it's manifested - until this body is breathing - this vote won't be changed - I live as this principle, I do not change within this starting point anymore - because this is who I am and this is what I stand for - the Life as All As One As Equal - as the Unification of Man as I am here On earth, within and as the Physical as existence.

Stand with me as me as Life or Die as the system utterly - there is no middleground in this - we are what we act, what we stand for - equal as one - within and as oneness and equality all ways Here.

new video will be soon of this shit

Enlightenment mind system demon trap is here.
I just spoke with one girl of this buddhist ole nydahl cult - in past we slept together sometimes - I was hoping she will realize - I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hope in that she will realize instead of realizing the facts here -absolutely this one is possessed and deluded to a certain degree that she can't hear me anymroe ...not getting at all what is Self Realization Here ....so I was pushing her until all exposed - no fucking way she would not define herself as ego as mind as spiritual as enlightenment seeker - here common sense as physical as facts - is disregarded, avoided, evaded and justified with even gurus and with their energy compared with my direct expression -- fascinating and literally jawdropping to see what past I am walking through...fuck spyritual agenda and theese fuckers - like ticks sucking life essence from reality as a halocyanogenic consciousness system pattern manifestation machine...driven by and as and for money as a group of self-interest.

We must stand up and not allow anyone to fuck around like this...
Disregard spiritdual deluders - otherwise you are compromising your act of self honesty inside and outside one and equal.
How one could allow to fly in energy and consciousness realms when here within the physical millions are disregarded - what matters first is the physical - who we really are is what is here as the physical - until we do not sort out this human condition - deliberate abuse by the excuse and justification of money and self-interest -- until I do not want to hear a word about spiritual agendas around me. Prove your fucking meditation within and as the physical - and stand with those who die within the current money system day by day -- and say to them: -
"Don't fuckin' worry - I will be enlightened, I will send my ass into bliss and THEN I will be enlightened and then I will save you all, but until that - you starve and die in the name of my enlightenment, so it's even possible, I even don't want to see you, but I have compassion, I practice it day by day within my meditation, all my prayer and mantra and love and peace and energy - I send it to you for my enlightenment... - Oh physical support? Equalization unconditionally? - Sorry, I am not yet enlightened, I have no power over the system - the system is like that - sooooorry, anyway it is your karma to be fucked, so fuck off, I'm in a fuckin' karma-coma"
--GAAAAAAAAAAAA

Stop Fear by Breath Here

What is fear?
How to stop fear?
I am Here,
All fear come here
Everything of me of fear
I am unifying here
As breath as me...

Fear is not real if I am breath here

If I am of fear - I am not real.
If I am here - I am breath real.

walk walk walk man

Enjoying standing up - at the moment no obsessions, no occupations I have - I stick to my todos and push movement. Not having sexual desire, not having energetic obsessions within myself. My job is quite lot - at last weekend - I was alone all days and I was doing VLOG and videos and my second job - and the task I could do what was requested. That was cool. But there are many todos before I could say - the second job is at the state of 'done' - and of course that also have a continuous maintenance part - what I will stop soon. It was interesting but at this moment it is not practical anymore - so I already told that I will stop work for them after this job is done - around autumn I will quit.
The primary job - I decided also to script up stopping. Slowly but surely. Around September I will have more direct insights about that.

-The plan is to pick up SRA lessons as much as possible.
-There are three more VLOGS to share - the video processing started to become more smooth - in a month - it will be very effective in all ways. Soon light and greenscreen will arrive what will be the preparation for starting hungarian vlogs as well.
-Write more - about inner experiences, mostly about physical and jack in the box memory popups.
-At this moment I am not being influenced with desire and sexual fantasies - what is cool, the decision must stand - but I will write more to stabilize, to be ensured - I stand.
-Looking around about possible businesses(see below**)


**
People approach me quite often about they want specific websites and I could help them - many of them can not offer money directly but giving promises about if that would work - money would come...Fascinating investment - about this I have to realize something as it re-re-reoccurs... The temptation and hope of with some job I could get much money - and in the other side - there is a chance that what I do - there wont be payment at all...
Common sense.

I started to being interested about business - as it is quite reflects me back - how am I specific within my directness, stability, constant application - look like a great fun to try - I rejected this for years... At this moment I trust myself to a degree that I would not be possessed with more money - simply direct and assist and do support with money. Will see...
Also I want to make some experiments related to sound and music - great instruments are here - will see - I do not say with music or soundscapes I could get a lot of money - but a bit of expression, fame can occur... Human relationships - stand one and equal.
As Resonances interview revealed - to stand and stopping the matrix of perfection and start Living Self Perfection.
That is of "I am too busy" is an excuse - I am always here physically - but as Self where I am? I can emerge and start Direct - and it is not about the Where or When - it is about Self Here.

Noticing about eating less sweet - simply food enough - ok in morning bakery can be sweet - I am one and equal with and as the sweetness of life as sugar. Sometimes even at lunch I eat some sweet - but that's it - I have no desire after chocolate - I noticed that for long term I have not eaten chocolate - a desire could come up - a need - I push this point to come up - or not come up directly to see - what is it?

Also within speakings - I must be aware how and why I speak within specific tonalities with specific humans - for instance with specific girls at company - I mean there I am all day so I express self honesty in the office then...
It is not even a desire for something - it's like a formed gentleness - but I must investigate why. Because it is not with all.

I also wrote a long explaining email to Gy - who I was with in last summer at specific events - and I had desire after her and I wanted to form an agreement with her but it was impossible - and not because of I allowed desire - she is simply not getting it yet she somehow tends to want to be with me - in close touching level - but directly avoiding any more intimate communication - physical or verbal - simply as a wall she sometimes stops me and I fed up with that - I wrote almost everything to her in last weekend - lol since then she never responded. Will see - I explained to her what happened inside of me and I open myself absolutely and I share everything of me and how ad why I experience myself and how I experienced her and what I see as self dishonesty within her and if she does not want to push her presence with my presence - directly, with total direct self participation - then I do not want to meet with her - decision made - I stand. I do not need a half 'Gyongy' being - I accept only the totality about her - because I see - she is defining herself still as beautiful woman and spiritual enlightenmentseeker greenpeace activist for good with peace and love -- yet not wants to face directly physical reality - to make her eyes or hands dirty - delusional so I direct. I decided to walk with her - but if she does not push herself to change with the previously mentioned subjects, also with her relationship how she compromises herself and her 'boyfriend' by still loving and thinking of previous her lover boyfriend and sexually not really expressing freely - I told her that is insane.
When we directly physically express - it is cool, no bullshit, we express - but when we come to the starting point - she speaks nonsense - and that's why there are cyclic times when she has lack of energy, sadness and self judgmental and self pity and then it is obvious that she will 'reenergetize herself' with those acts what she name as 'good' - such as spyritual agenda or greenpeace participation or being with boys who tend to adore her lolol. That's it for now about her...
It looks like she is of my past - I do not judge, I dont want her to go away, I dont want her to stay with my presence(anyway she comes about once in a month) - personally I don't care - but I push presence.

Weekend comes - and Klaudia will arrive on sunday only so I will have one and two days - some will be the job - I will push SRA and mind constructs - and I need to stabilize some self forgiveness points about communicating with people - specifically with those who judge and attack desteni - I get serious emails almost daily what is cool - facing other selfs here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to do SRA lessons unconditionally. I realized that this is unconscious resistance from not wanting to expose and realize and stop preprogrammed manifestations within myself what are of personality.

Write

Writing quite much in hungarian -- communication through emails, basically blogging to others lololol

Fascinating to realize that I can already be breath - the decision must be lived to actually stop any participation within past definitions and push myself as mother giving birth - breath by breath pushing life into this world...
Breath orgasm - for moments I experience - and I realize - this is it what I was after for long years - but I never could stabilize - as I defined it after tiny moments -it was gone - but actually it is possible to express it within stability as presence within self honesty...so I push - and this can be done in any place at any time...
And then I defined it and then I transformed into sexual - then I was playing with my genital for a while and then I stopped lol and released and breathed through -- at the moment my partner is gone for weeks and it is fascinating to see how I strive in hope for something other sexual activity - not many times but sometimes it still compounds and takes me away from here and then I realize that no choice - I must stop - right here or I will waste x amount of time and then I will stop - so the stupidity and stubborn nature of my personality reveals.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope after sex instead of stopping desire, stopping defining, stopping escape from the real deal - what is breath here unconditionally always here.

Many works occur, not much time for communication but I've managed to make a hour vlogs - about money system and about my personality -- I'm still processing them - will take some days...
Also I am in surprising the Desteni sub4sub guys with a tool what I develop in secret - will be usable soon for automatize mechanical YT participations - lol it is not a secret anymore for those who read my blog...anyway enjoy breath live here

1 Stop personality - Stop surviving mode and Start Living

I am living as a surviver - I am surviving like the ones who are surfing - this implies the case when I was swimming with Esteni in the sea - and it was fascinating because I went in and I was enjoying the huge waves and then I went more in and then the waves were more strong and I could not stand them and they washed me away and then I was resisting and I was fighting against the water - basically against the ocean - and in fact I even enjoyed it - the fight, the fact that I was being pushed down and washed away and then Esteni came after me about the waves started to pull me out so I should come back - and then I realized that yes, I was a bit already tired and I was fighting and in that fight - in the beginning I was enjoying to fight it but then I simply slipped - I was not really myself anymore but this fight - as physically I was fighting for my life.
Yes, Esteni, I realized the point intensely as this happened already - almost exactly - I was in south India, near Goa at a beach called Paradise - lol it is called like - where I was with a greek girl who just literally arrived to india and we went into the water and then big waves came she immediately went deeper to avoid being crushed and I didn't - I was very close to the rocks - and what happened that I was washed away and I felt myself literally like I was sitting in a washing machine. Then the wave was over and I was seeing that my head is not so far from rocks - and that contact could simply smash my head with all of my brain like a pumpkin over the rocks. In that moment she shouted for me that 'It's coming again' - and I started to move but it was too late - the washing machine experience came again - but in this time I was sure that it comes with my physical end. I had some thoughts like 'people in this cases tend to see their lives roll over before their eyes like a superfast videoclip? - and next thought was my mother' and the next one was like 'WTF?'- and then the wave came - it was a timeless experience - and when it was over I opened my eyes and I was squating front of a really unfriendly rock from my forehead about 5 centimeters.
Then I moved!
I moved like it does not matter what is going on but in this moment I move myself - in that first movement I bruised my hip hard but I continued to go out no matter what - and I managed to avoid the next wave.

Then something happened. Something definitely happened within myself because I was standing there - at paradise beach with a remarkable new scar on my body proving that I am still here.
---
Ok I did some vlogs about it after writing this...