walktalk

I placed myself into a time-trap.
I am timelooping all the time on not having enough time. WTF?

My second job is coming to it's end and this last project is taking many time but I decided to do this, I decided to finish it well, no matter how much I have to work for this, so it will be.
But the trick is that this would be a website what people will use, so it must be that stable and constant as accountable to get people's trust to actually go and pay through it for the museum.
Today I missed something in the database since months - it's like I am creating a code and I miss to see a part of it - when I am not equally and one considering myself as programming - there are certain points what I do not 'get' directly as I am not even aware of it, so I do not 'face' it by myself really - I do not really see it myself - so my partnership with S. is going to be assisting - but at first - I wanted to be alone again and again and again when I was with her. Last two weeks I was working on this point - and I was sneaking some but mostly I was able to push myself through this pretending when I was with her. Pretending means like to not be as who I am as I am alone - not really different as starting point as who I am within application. I wanted to be alone to play computer game, to watch movies, to do homework, to energize myself with impulses what I would not really do when I am not alone.
So this is cool - I was hell bored of this and it is cool that someone is telling me onto my face that 'tala, you are sneaking, tell me'.

And it takes time for both of us to stop reacting to the already self-accepted attraction games in which both of us still participate within the desire competition where people's attention is based on sexual desire. But it is happening. I simply decide to not play attraction games with women, for me its not that intense as for my partner, who is always telling me that men want to be with her, for me it's not like that as there are not too much women who tend to please me, but sometimes yes, so I have to walk through some temptations.
At office and restaurant there are many woman so every day I can see my point in actuality.

There are times when I do eye contact deliberately to have some 'fun' with woman - even when I do not want anything sexual in these moments really - just wanting to get some reaction from some people. It's not even about sexuality in that form - it can be anyone, somebody who I can have a 'contact'. It's like energy - what I defined based on my past.
But actually there are days when I walk among woman and I can actually see them - not as sex objects, walking fucking and teasing and entertaining opportunity - but actually beings in their process as myself.
How they hold their limbs, their sound, their expression, I can open myself and I experience them who they are and when issues I face within me - reactions, movements - I must see that this point is within me still not clear and walked through - or is the being's process I am experiencing.
--------------
Recently I noticed some dominant behavior within my expressions what I am curious about.
It's like sometimes I even do not wait for somebody's sentence to end, I speak for instance.
Also I noticed that to direct among people - first I get feedback of their attention then I express, like first wanting to be sure that my direction will be effective - but then I depend on them what is unacceptable.

Also I noticed some self forgiveness I spoke but not aloud, it was very thin sound and I accepted it, instead of correcting myself - because the clarity I can hear in myself, and when I almost swallow back the words - even when I am alone and I am not disturbing anyone for sure - then it is still an issue, and I feel like I am expressing my forgiveness weakly, so I must strengthen my expression to make sure that it is clearly expressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger instead of realizing of that I can release this anger and then I am here as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate others through words based on deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation when other woman than my partner approaches me. Instead of realizing that we decided to agree on this point to do together and I decided to stand as this point, so I stop fall into temptation and I do not abuse my responsibility by playing innocent while accepting and allowing myself to be amused by other woman than my partner.

From Pain Wisdom to Equal Money System.

About one-two years ago my lower left wisdom tooth was operated out by a half dozen of dentists.
Recently I experience similar symptoms as with that but on the right side: dull pain, jaw become more static, even fever, sometimes twinging, throbbing pain.
It is happened because I did not wash my teeth properly - at the backside, I did not 'reach' with my toothbrush, with my awareness - and it went 'bad' by the years while I consumed tons of sweets for instance...in my family, most of the people has teeth issues - probably by default it is coming from DNA and then personal acceptance and allowance...

Last year, the dentist guy told me that that tooth looks like it should be removed, but I fell into self definition according to that: - the operation with the dentists removed the lower left 'wisdom' teeth - was about 4 hours and extremely uncomfortable.
After that - I was regularly visiting the ~dentist university, where the pupils were 'practicing' on me by supervision of a professional teacher. So about for a year - weekly I experienced The dentist chair, the drills, the syringes, the huge light onto my face and the wide mouth opening expression.
That was fascinating - so many times the physical experience triggered a some sort of 'regression' when I closed my eyes, I tried to 'pull back' into my center of my body to leave behind this experience - where actually some physically uncomfortable/avoidable experiences I faced, for instance when with hot metal the intervention 'required' to burn down some parts of the flesh near my teeth, or when getting the painkiller syringe injected into my frontal mouth or my teeth is being pulled with some harsh metal tools...
At these experiences - I was facing myself - and I was able to notice when I did not allow myself to breath naturally - when I literally tried to 'contract' myself and resist the experience and I held back my breath - as this 'program' within me works like the following:
when I am about to experience some physical what I defined before as painful - I am like 'preparing' myself with this 'defense mechanism' wherein I hold my breath back, like 'wanting to skip' this moment, wanting to 'avoid to experience' this moment, but in fact it is my reality.
It is my reality and I am the responsible for it - one and equal.
And if I tend to 'avoid to experience' this event as myself - directly as one as equal - I am not able to realize what and how and why I accepted and allowed to manifest as myself.

And if I am not able to realize the what and how and the why - then I am not able to see the core, the reason, the starting point of this self-dishonesty and then I am not able to directly find practical solution to stop it and then I am continuing participate within and as this 'reaction system' as I defined and accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as this rule-matrix developed through and as words.

So - after a year - about 5-7- teeth was 'repaired' - yet there were about 2-3 what was not finished but then at the dentist university - the year was finished, they started to prepare for exams - and I stopped visiting dentist.
In fact at last summer - at one point - I randomly met with the two dentist guys in the city who were 'practicing' on me before, and they told me, I should arrange with them for a check-time about how my t00th are and then to do the necessary support.

In fact - this is a great opportunity - as this is for free - only the material I paid - and to have proper dentist support - it is really a LOT of money - and I was able to avoid this.

So since a year - I did not care about this - because I was like - 'my teeth were extensively handled almost for a year' - and 'I, myself do not feel pain at the moment' - so I did not take a shit.

Until last week, when I started to experience the pain compounding.
So this week, I visited an other dentist, this time a 'private' one, who gets paid well for interventions(repair, replace, fix etc) but not for the check at the first time.
I told him about the last year and about the pupils, and then he suggested to contact them because here I would need a 'panorama-X-ray' with what the dentist can engage to open up the area around my 'bad' right lower 'wisdom' teeth to take it out asap because maybe that is causing the pain.

Today I had the opportunity to contact the university dentist guys but I didn't - I was busy all day working and I did not direct myself for contacting them and I experienced some inner reactions what I built up before and now I was able to directly face it as it directed me not to act immediately.
This was about 'me not wanting to be unabashed', not wanting to 'use' this service too much, because if I am there, then an other person can not be, so in fact I am taking the place from someone else - who maybe has much more pain or much more urgent medical support.
That was a point what I accepted and allowed within me.
Also I wanted to give some money for the dentist guy who was very patient and enjoyable while he was repairing my teeth - so I decided to give him about 100 euros - as I saw the current dental system and if I would visited for a 'private' dentist - I should had to pay more than one thousand of euros - maybe more - and I wanted to appreciate his work - regardless of that is part of his schooling system process. But then I did not do this - I did not seek after him just to give him some money - because I am grateful - yet I judged myself about this is just stupid for instance - so I did not move.
And at this moment - I should contact him - and today I hesitated - because I experienced this system 'under the hood' within my head, not even 'really' consciously - but more like of 'feeling these kind of energies'.
This is unacceptable.
I stand up from judgments, I stand up for immediate action based on common sense, physical.

I remember Joe Kou also did a VLOG on his hesitation for visiting dentist and he explained the consequences of his procrastination.

Tomorrow I will see, it is possible to find a clinic where they could do X-ray and the operation - but I had this inner reaction of 'what if they are not pro and they fuck up my mouth?'
It is coming to the point of money. The more I can pay for this - the more I can 'hope' that they are able to handle this.
This is how humans accept themselves - who do have money - they can get great support, but who does not - then they go to hell - according to what they will experience - it is how it plays out.
For instance my mother has also teeth issues - but she says she can not afford dentist, thousands of euros to spend to make her 'fake'-teeth from metal and porcelain - that is so expensive!!!

In an Equal Money System - no one would have to fear about they can not get proper dental support - so I do support Equal Money System.

Energy vain self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy as great.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy because then energy defines me, energy moves me and then I do not have to take direct responsibility for what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and manifest energetic manifestations within me according to words, physical movements, instead of realizing that who I really am is direct one and equal physical experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to memories, according to definitions of energies instead of being here as breath directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy generator.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to energy instead of being the directive principle as life as physical one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conceal the nature of my energetic possessions from myself, from others in order to manipulate to get what I want, or avoid what I do not want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want or not want things instead of acting directly accordingly as myself as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within energies, within experiencing energies instead of trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within participation of energy - I am not directly living but being directed by accepted and allowed self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experiences of mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to ride energies instead of realizing I am the directing principle and I am responsible of I am accepting energies instead of stopping immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I actually experience myself as mind consciousness system - is of energies - is of conditions, is of not physically real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself being directed by and as energies instead of STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly wanting to have energies what I defined as indications of I am doing great, I am great - this is of self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic experiences of breathing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I do experience breathing, I I am facing with energetic experiences of what I already defined and did not let go as energetic experiences based on self-dishonesty what must be stopped.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself according to energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require energy to live instead of realizing that energy of mind is invalid as it's starting point is of self-dishonesty.

írok

irok irok es csak irok - teljesen a tudatomat az tolti ki, hogy itt vagyok, lelegzek - tudatossa valik, hogyan utom a billentyuket egyenkent, mindegyiket kulon-kulon tapasztalom egymas utan - megis gyorsan es folyamatosan gepelek - ez a tapasztalas - ahogy a testem itt ul, ebben a fizikai, ebben a geometriai pozicioban, ezekkel az erzekszervekkel tapasztalva - ha a definiciok kepbe jonnek - mar tul sok -- figyelni a valosagra is, meg figyelni az elme're - ez kettos, mert amig elme van - addig nincs valosag - ha csak egy pillanatra is...aztan az elmen keresztul definialom a valosagot, aztan a valosagban meg az elme nem segit igazan, hacsak nem mar az altalam eddig elfogadott es megengedett megnyilvanult kovetkezmenyeket tapasztalom az elmen keresztul...marmint egy kettősség "alapú" elmén keresztül definiálom a nem kettősséget?

ahogy irom ezt - rajovok, hogy ha igy irok - es lelegzek - kepes vagyok csak irni - es ahogy kiadom magambol - kepes vagyok latni magamban - megtapasztalom magam egy olyan formaban, ami stabil, konstans, mert leirtam - es ha eggye valok az irassal, fizikailag, tudatossagban, akkor en az vagyok, mint a teremtes - tudatossag, fizikai megnyilvanulas, onmagam - az mar mas kerdes, hogy mennyire vagyok oszinte magammal - mert amig nem vagyok kepes brutal oszintesegben irni a dolgaimrol - amik gondolkozasba 'taszitanak' a jelenlet folytonos valosagabol - addig nem is latom magam 'tisztan' - hogy miert is jonnek ezek a gondolatok magamban - amik szinten en vagyok valamilyen szinten - csak oda 'uztem szamon' magam, az elme 'hatartalan birodalmaba' - ahol latszolag a gondolatom csak en lathatom: csak en lathatom, hogy ujra az elme 'maszkja'n' keresztul vagyok csak hajlando a valosagban interakcioba kereveredni, aztan persze ha ott valami zavaros, tul intenziv, kellemetlen, akkor mivel en mar az elme kesztyujen keresztul 'ragadom meg' - igazabol mindig a kesztyut fogom - mint amikor ovszert hasznalok - en a puncit kozvetlenul nem erzem - csak az ovszer belsejeben vagyok teljesen elszeparalva onnan, amiben vagyok - es igazabol nem en elvezem a puncit, hanem az ovszer;) - ezt talan Bernard mondta egyszer, mint hasonlat, de ez van...

egy időben lekötött, hogy az elmémet különböző anyagokkal befolyásoltam, "gátoltam" néha "rendesen" működni, próbáltam kitörni a már viselt űrruhámat, de ha néha sikerült is, csak azt tapasztaltam, hogy lekerült rólam ez a dolog, és kb újszülött vagyok és lélegzem, aztán amikor a szerek hatása "kifolyt" - akkor hirtelen újra szembesültem magammal, mint elme és képtelen voltam egy lélegzettel, stabilan, lélegzetről lélegzetve elengedni az elme befolyását, s fokozatosan újra "rámnőtt", "belebújtam" ebbe a rendszerbe.

De mindig úgy éreztem, én valamennyire befolyásolok, meg "ragad rám" ezeknek az élményeknek a sorozatos megélésén keresztül, de igazából ezek csak foszlányok voltak - ez egy felfoghatatlan különbség - pedig azok az élmények csak blokkolták az elme bizonyos működéseit - a teljes elmét leállítani a legnagyobb botorság - az egész lényem, létem az elmében van - a hirtelen "kiszakadás" - és mindaz, amit a test végez - aminek az ember nincs tudatában - amit az elme "átvett" - az is leállna és lehet, hogy azt a test nem élné túl. Abszolút szimbiózis, a fizikai valóságban.
Ez a szimbiózis egy folyamatos, légzésről légzésre történő megfigyelésén, átölelésén, definíció nélküli megtapasztalásán keresztül a tudatos leálláson, mint az élő megbocsátásként történő önkifejezés fizikai megnyilvánulásaként: a "leállás", "megállás" gyakorlatán át - megállítható.
Mert a fizikai megnyilvánulásom - amit teszek - olyan kiindulópontokon alapszik, amik mentén ez a definíció-alapú létezés így elharapózott és ránknőtt. Ez elfogadhatatlan. Mindenki felelős ezért az "énjéért" - meg kell állítania - mert ez az egó, ez az önérdek az, amely meggátolja az egészben a harmónikus, egyenlőség-alapú élet megnyilvánulását minden egyes ember által, aki elfogadja magát, mint definiáló elme.
Ezért az elmét meglátni, ahogy mozog, hogyan mozog, miért mozog - az kulcs.
Az elmét úgy elengedni, hogy fizikailag jelenvagyok, a lélegzetemnek tudatában vagyok - az is kulcs.
Az elmében bizonyos feltételeket, helyzeteket, érzéseket, melyekben azt tapasztalom, hogy nem vagyok abszolút őszinte magammal - önmegbocsátást alkalmazom - megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy ezekben a bizonyos helyzetekben, ekkor és itt, nem önmagamra, hanem feltételekre hagyatkozom, az határozza meg, hogy és mit és kiként tapasztalok, amik elfogadhatatlanok. Ezért megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy ez és ez miatt, konkrétan ilyenkor például megijedek - vagy például dühös leszek és felbaszódom(nyers példa, de ezt mindenki vágja) - vagy, hogy olyan dolgokra gondolok valakiről, amiket ha mondanék az illetőnek, akkor csúnyán megjárnám - ez sunnyogás, olyan mintha nem minden részem lenne itt, hanem egy részem sunnyogva vigyorogva bújik és nem mutatom ki, elfojtom, lenyelem, elrejtem - pedig az is én vagyok...
Ezekre a helyzetekre vonatkozólag lehet írni önmegbocsátást - vagy mondani - s a hang, mint önkifejezés - bizony kioldja a kötést a programból, amely meghatároz az elmében - nem oldja meg, csak kicsit feloldja - segít tudatossá válni, segít mélyebbre látni, segít leállni.
Vagy ha kifejezem magam, hogy önmegbocsátás erre a dologra és mégis csinálom, vagyis mégsem hagyom abba a belső reakciót például vágy, harag, GONDolkodást - akkor az önmegbocsátásom egyértelműen nem valódi - fizikailag nem bocsátottam magamnak meg semmit - tehát egyből tudatossá válok abban is, hogy amit csinálok, az hatékony-e. Ezért ez fontos. Önmegbocsátás az alap.
Nem csak az "elmélet", az "elv", a "szimbólum" fontos itt, hanem a folyamatos fizikai kifejezés - akár megosztani mással, akár mindenkivel, hogy én ez vagyok most - az élő önmegbocsátás - s mások közt úgyis kiderül, hogy valódi-e.

elkülönülés

az már egy jó jel lenne, ha az öngyilkos mint szó fel sem merülne benned belül sem meg kívül sem

az mindig elme
akik öngyilkosok lettek, azok mind azért, mert engedtek az elmének - elhitték, hogy azok a gondolatok igazi önmaguk, engedelmeskedtek a gondolatoknak, az érzéseknek, elhitték, bevették, bebukták

az igazi életnek ez eszébe se jutna sose ilyen - melyik fa lesz öngyilkos?

de nem baj - legalább látszik, hogy miben vettél menedéket - az elmében, mert máskülönben nem jutna a szádra ilyen

de ha elviselem - én is felelős vagyok - úgyhogy nem

szóval nekem ez lenne az agreement, hogy nincs energia, stimuláció, manipuláció, és kőkeményen megmondom, nem tűröm és vissza-reflektálom neked, amit elfogadsz magadban, és valójában csak egy rárakat, egy program, ezért én az Élet kiindulópontjából, egységben és egyenlőségben, öntudatosságban és felelősségben megmutatom neked, hogy mennyire elképesztően elfogadtad magad olyannak, ami nem az élet - és lehet, hogy kemény és brutál - de ezáltal támogatlak -

ehhez kell az évek agreementje - hogy a két ember ráérezzen, meddig lehet tolni, és amikor már nagyon intenzív, akkor kiállni a másik mellett, megölelni, de közben mondani, hogy azt nem fogadom el és tolni a másikat, hogy változzon, mert ez így nagyon bukás - aztán amikor rájön a másik is, akkor együtt tolni a pontot, eldönteni, hogy "én akármi lesz, abbahagyom"


nekem pl kb kiskorom óta, amikor ítélem magam, "rágódom", akkor előfordul, hogy rágom a számat belül - nem nagyon, sosem sebes pl, csak kicsit - de akkor is van ritkán -- fáradtság, meg amikor ahelyett, hogy tettben fejezném ki magam - ítélem magam, megítélem a helyzetet gondolatokkal, magamat "most rosszul csináltam"
vagy "nem kellett volna", vagy "jaj de hülye vagyok" vagy egyáltalán bármiféle elfojtás, ami gondolatban, gondolatsorban nyilvánul meg -- az mindig önáltatás, önemésztés -- mert valójában pontosan tudom, hogy ebben a helyzetben nem KIfejezem, hanem BEfolytom magamba a dolgot - ezért bennem marad, engem mardos - de mi?
az én kifejezésem nem lett KI-fejezbe, hanem BElefolytottam magamba - és ez megfojt, fogalmam sincs, hogy LY vagy J - és ezt megszokom - és nem a fizikai valóságba tolom magam, egyként és egyenlőként, mert úgy ítéltem meg, hogy az elkerülendő - és aztán ezt megszokom és nem bízok a kifejezésemben, nem bízok magamban feltétel nélkül - hanem agyalok, előbb mérlegelek, előbb megítélek, majd döntök és cselekszem - de addigra a pillanat, mint önmagam - már nincs itt, csak az ítélkezés eredménye, logika, érzelmek alapján - ami mindig korlátolt, mindig késő, mindig csak egy közelítés, egy feltételezés, mindig egy elképzelés
és a végén már belül egy egész világ teremtődik bennem, egy leképezése a valóságnak, aszerint, hogy ez előtt hogy és mit folytottam el - és épül, nől a belső tér, az elme dimenzió - csak, hogy közben a külső valóságban nem vagyok 100% jelen, nem fejezem ki magam - és ezért nem kapok közvetlen visszajelzést magamról a valóságban - a többiektől, a világtól - ezért látszólag "kockázat nélkülibb", "biztonságosabb" csak rágondolni arra, mintsem megtenni - nem fejberúgni azt, akit nem szeretek, mondjuk a főnökasszonyt, mert úgy ítéltem meg, hogy az nem jó, mert blablabla - de belül meg van egy másik verzióm ahhoz képest, amit kifele mutatok - képmutatás - ön és mások becsapása - abszolút elkülönülés - és persze így fokozatosan elveszítem az irányítóelvet a külső valósággal - szolga leszek, mások használnak, dolgozom baromságot, pénzért - mások kifejezésében vagyok fogaskerék, ahelyett, hogy önmagam kifejezésének valóságában élnék

így nézve egyértelmű, hogy a belső reakciókat amíg abszolút és konstans nem hagyom abba, addig nem is foghatom fel az "objektív" valóságot, és objektívan most azt értem, hogy ami ténylegesen történik - konnotációk, reakciók, gondolatok nélkül - ezáltal már azt tapasztalom, ahogy én látom -

egyrészt azért, mert már a percepciómat is változtatnom kellett, csak, hogy elviseljem magam így, másrészt, meg azért, mert nem bízok abban, hogy ha kifejezem magam, akkor az én vagyok - pl ha lerúgnám a főnökasszony fejét - akkor kirúgna, beperelne, stb - ami elsőre elég beteg, de ha túl sokáig elfojtom, akkor sajna lehet, hogy nem lesz más út, mert annyira felhalmozódik az energia, hogy az egyszercsak kitör, mert nem bírom tovább - és akkor az jön, nem néz, és nem tudom irányítani, magammal egyenlően a saját kifejezésem

tehát ezt a folytonos harmóniát magammal és a magam és a külvilággal való viszonyomat kell engednem visszaállni úgy, hogy tolom magam kifele - a fizikai valóságba - nem a szomorkodó, depressziós, energiahiányos magam erősíteni, megmagyarázni, másokat hibáztatni, magamat hibáztatni -
mert akkor egy idő után újra beáll, hogy a kifejezésemnek a fizikai valóságban újra van azonnali következménye, ami szinte fizikailag is tapasztalható, és arra lehet újra azonnal egy kifejezéssel válaszolni

ez a valóság - a folytonos response-ability, ez a felelősség, a responsibilty

tehát ha elfogadom magam, mint szomorkodás - akkor én a szomorúság vagyok - akkor a szomorúsággá váltam - és azt kell megértenem, én személyesen hogy voltam és vagyok felelős ezért, miért nem engedem el ezt a koncepciót
miért és hogyan vettem benne részt elsősorban - mert a teremtés mindig ilyen

én vettem benne részt, én fogadtam ezt el, én engedtem meg magam ebben kifejeződni(vagy elfojtódni), és ugyanúgy, ahogy ez lett, pontosan ellentétesen cselekedve újra vissza tudok jutni a kiindulópontba, ahol realizálom - basszus, ez csak egy eldöntés, ez csak egy pont volt, ahonnantól kezdve így definiáltam magam és így maradtam

tehát ez a teremtő, mint én,
a teremtés, mint tett, vagy nem tett
és mint teremtett valami, vagy teremtmény, ami fizikailag létrejött (az, hogy szomorkodom, az, hogy magamat ilyennek látom, vagy akármi)

mind ugyanazt tükrözi - azt, amivel eggyé és egyenlővé váltam és az én felelősségem és amíg nem állítom helyre az equilibriumot, az egységet és egyenlőséget magamban magammal és a kifejezésemmel - addig igazából nincs is hatalmam önmagam felett, nincs is esélyem, hogy abszolút tudatosságban létezzek - és addig mindig csak a korlátaimat tapasztalom - ezáltal a lét így van kiegyensúlyozva, hogy mindenki a saját valóságának foglya, ezáltal nem nől túl a saját teremtésén, vagyis saját magán

tehát rajtad áll, hogy elfogadod-e magad a saját korlátaidon - mert ha megnézed, mindig te vagy, az aki korlátol abban, hogy kifejezd magad - még ha ez elsőre egy külső oknak is tűnik - akkor attól a felismeréstől, hogy te vagy ezért a felelős - úgy védekezel, hogy úgy szemléled magad, hogy attól, ami korlátol, elkülönítetted magad -
de ez a szemléletbeli elkülönülés, a közvetlen, direkt, nem definiált tapasztalás hiánya az, ami által úgy is cselekszel, mintha elkülnülve lennél a korlátaidtól

ebből kiindulva egyértelmű: azokat a szemléleteket kell elengedni, nem részt venni bennük, amik által elkülönülve érzed magad a teremtésedtől, a valóságodtól - és őszinteségben, tudatosságban megérteni, ez hogy lett, és elengedni, megbocsátani, leállni és felfedezni, mi is van a létben

ezért fontos az írás - a belsőm kiírom és ami nem kézzel fogható - most "az" lesz, mert itt van, stabilan, és ezáltal megfigyelhető, hogy működöm, mi az, ami befolyásol, mi az, ami nem - mi állandó, mi nem

I Stopped for a moment today in bed

Today, after returning from work, finally I brought home to my 'final' piece of music instrument, a high quality pre-amp for my new microphone - and I did cook, but until I could not try the microphone out - I did not eat, rather I did some gChat with my partner, Suszti, she was telling me that she is feeling becoming mad, and I ensured her with tons of smiles that she is already mad, no problem, let's develop infinite self-will and move self within self honesty - but then she was off to make her child to sleep, and I was about to wire in the new mic and the preamp, but then I realized: I do not have the XLR cable for it - I lend my microphone cable with my old mic a week ago, so then I jumped out to the nearby music shop to get another one - then I came home, tested it out - works brilliantly - at least some quality....

So then I made and ate a pasta, then I did take a nap - I do this when I 'feel' tired, especially when my eyes are tired from all day watching screens.
So, then I woke up - and I did not move - I took my 'time', then I realized, I was not moving.

I did take a nap because I wanted to do many things tonight - then I did not move after waking up, about 5-10 minutes - thats' odd, I noticed, so then I started to see what is happening. There was no energy, no urge, no desire, no fear, no reason to move me - so I did not move. It was obvious: I must move me by Self-Willed Decision.

In these cases I have the 'feeling' of I am extremely tired - what can be because of exhaustion by depriving my sleeps - or simply no energies to move me.
So I took my time and to be sure - I did take one more small nap, then I woke up and I still felt 'unnaturally' tired.
In this case - it also can be that I did not drink enough water, so I am dehydrated, so I pushed myself to stand up and drink water - then I realized - I must be refreshed after a hour of sleep, so I took a bath and the perceived tiredness is gone.

Now, here I sat down and I am continuing with SRA lesson, it is fascinating to do it - and mostly I do have resistances and in the last moments I would pick it up, but the continuous application of pushing this point starts to manifest:
-I wrote a lot of times about this is high priority to do, so I am absolutely sure about I want to do it, there is no other way.
-I already understood that unconscious and subconscious resistances are especially 'nasty' about to make me procrastinate this specifically, so in the last week I wrote and said aloud self forgiveness according to this, to not allow myself to being stopped do SRA by any resistances.
-I installed a calendar to my phone what is getting filled with my 'todos' in physical timeline, so I can see, being noticed and I am able to manage my activity.

So by these points - I am not surprised that by nothing else but me, I sit here and I do the lesson, I am absolutely not tired, I am not sick, I am doing it as myself.

On Control I want lose then gain cycle

I did not post this before, here it goes, when I noticed my sickness was fading last week

I am getting 'normal' again in relation to sickness - pain is fading, it's like a fire what burns out the bullshit out of me but it is not yet self direction, however I realized some points what I allowed myself to be resonantly influenced, directed, for instance the want to be alone and then want to be with others polarity system, then the energy addiction, what is sex-drug-energy related, about not take self responsibility.

It's like I want to loose my control - what control is too strong, it is not even myself as who I really am but then I am unable to release as myself, then energy kick I use - regardless to it's subtle form, it is all the same - when I define too much, I want to pull back, to go back to my 'den' or 'lair' where everything is like how and what I like - what I could not manage within the 'outside world' to manifest - so then that is avoidable, then my place is preferred, where I can play god according to my mind, according to my inner reactions.
There were times when I was more quiet (inside) when I was alone, but recently I noticed that I am more 'voiced' inside when I am alone, probably that's why I want to be alone, to be alone with and as my mind - but when I am with others - I am much more easier releasing inside reactions and focusing on what is physically here - it is not that big difference, simply after a while a some form of 'tiredness' kicks in, and to compensate that - I energize within me as suppressions, judgments, participation within dishonesties such as popping up pictures from unconscious/subconscious, it's like it is testing me that in that moment what I will react to, like pulling different colored and tasted carrots and which one I will follow.

These must be understood within self-intimacy within the moment of participation within inner reaction.

About my day - I realized -again- at my workplace I am liked because of my work, because of my attitude and expression, so in a way it is very supportive - but there are points where I must stop for instance at the tendency to be distracted from my work - to any fun web page, or my personal agenda for instance looking after a camera etc - it's like suppressions come up - and if I would not suppress myself extensively - then I would not face with compounded energetic bursts so to speak - then I am able to direct myself to focus.
This is what I realized in SRA as well - when doing muscle communication - to remain constantly here is the key - not allowing even for a moment to 'focus' onto something what is not relevant for the current information processing etc.

Also I realized - with my partner - I must be much more direct - in terms of specificity - at some times I even 'tested' her with my intentional grumpiness and rawness - wanting to expect the same 'warrior-like' attitude in her daily life as I do - but that is bullshit - it's like a control point want to direct her - what is in a way can be cool, as she is not aware much of desteni vocabulary for instance - but the other part of the polarity is related to my resonant expression to want to be alone - and when not, then want to direct her in the 'name' of self honesty, agreement, process - what is bullshit, I let all go.
I am me as breath as physical - regardless to ANYONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others instead of realizing - I am me, I change me, I express me, I do not allow influences to who I am by others - or if yes - then in the moment I realize, I stop, I forgive, I change, I let go.

SickSackSuckSock

Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.
I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...
Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.
This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.
Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.
So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.
At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.
I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.
I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.
I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.

Facing some energy, fear, resistance to try Agreement

This is who I am


I write directly here.

I am facing some sort of fear - diarrhea manifested, so it is fascinating.
I Let go of self definition, I let go of self addiction to energetic experiences of the mind.
I let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself instead of realizing that I am going to face myself as myself anyways - the question is that do I face myself directly by self direction by decision or do I face with myself indirectly by letting consequences of my expression face me, direct me, control me.

I chose to face myself here. This is not a choice who I am - I face myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share myself with another beings within the judgment of (as self-judgment) I wait for something, or I am not satisfied with my expression so I hold back - instead of realizing that by holding back myself - I am not able to walk - so I let go - I let go of fear, I let go of fear from judgment, I let go of fear from failure, I let go of fear from being lost.
I am here.

I describe how I physically 'feel':
Along my backbone - something like a shivering energy crawles, mostly from down to upwards, from the solar plexus area - and that's it - I can also describe it as a cold-like freeze covers up alongside of my backbone, and as it 'goes' up - it feels like there are this ice-spikes manifesting on this freezing movement - but then it's all gone - then after some moments it comes again - and in fact I feel cold. Even when I wear three clothes, this backbone-centered freezing goes on and on - until I realize and breath.

This system requires realization - this system is of me as me - compounded self-suppression energy by self-definition, self-judgement, what is being experienced within me because of I am not able to contain the situation within me - I suppressed it all - and then no more - it is being exposed - it is being experienced within and as me.

So the practical walk would be not fear from facing with my partner unconditionally - not separating her - not allowing to prone to any energy addiction - sexual desire, direct physical sexual energy, or even coffee or at the office my favorite jar from which I drink water every workday.

I also noticed that my not direct fear is related to the self-definition about who I defined myself to be and when I am not alone for longer than some days - I want to be alone, I want to do things myself, I want to be separated -- this polarity what would pull to be among humans and then I would want to be alone - is of the mind.
Who I really am is not dependant on who I am with - or am I with someone or not - if I make conditions about who I am, how I act, speak regarding to other people - then who I am if not of that condition which to I submit myself to?
It is unacceptable to not be myself alone or with anyone. Myself as breath, as absolute self honesty, as self-expression.

Okay, this energetic cold waving is no more - but I did not faced it directly - only was a step.

In a way, this physical experience is similar to when I enormously compound sexual energy what makes me feel really cold, and the same kind of energies I experience within me - but that one is more rude experience, and also my genitals are in pain and only constant and stable breathing 'through' can assist to stop it - and by each stop - as I stop the system within me as me as myself within oneness and equality - slowly I understand myself, and I can be aware of the conditions, and I can direct myself to stop participate within these conditions, these if/then-s who I defined myself to be - based on a starting point of not who I really am as Life as Breath - so I can not trust any self definition.
I can not trust in any self-created delusion, only breath, the physical I trust as HERE as touch, experience directly.

Also I experience that as I stop participate within desire, sexual desire - it compounds - tests me extensively - I am being tested by myself - my decision can stand or not?

At this moment I have an opportunity to start to experiment with Agreement - my two trials were not really Agreement-based, but my knowledge about Agreement were being tested and these did not stand - it was not only myself, it was the other being also(the girl) - and at this two occasions - the girls had no idea about what Agreement would be...
But at this time it's different - she is very curious, studies what Agreement would be, and she wants to be self honest - she does not write bog, do vlog, but she understands some already.
So she proposed this Agreement, but in fact - before this - we did some occasions of sex, and as I see - her starting point is of sex, desire - not only - she wants to change, wants to stand up, to understand, to direct herself - so that's not a problem - but my plan is to travel away in 5 months, so I am not sure that it would be great to start to form an agreement for 5 months only.

But I said, for 5 months we could try, but I am not sure she is aware of the desteni material enough(surely not), so she is studying and translating the material anyway, and asks a lot - we will see....
Basically I have a resistance towards her - I do not say I do not like her but somehow I do not want to meet with her regularly - so there is a point what I do not want to face - that's cool...

Also I enjoy not having desire after her - So no energy moves towards her, but at the moment, there is an energy what wants me to pull back from her -- at first I judged this as 'she is not great for agreement' - but then I realized - it's my issue, not her - and in fact we can enjoy ourselves if we are not of definitions, we do enjoy sexual expression, she is facing her past extensively - and she wants to change, wants to express Self Forgiveness, so I enjoy being with her and assist her and she started to say directly about me and those are not really 'nice' - thats very cool - she assists me in realizing what I am accepting and allowing...

I almost decided to walk with her for months then - but still something pulls me back, that's why I write about it...
Common sense say, enjoy agreement and then enjoy breath and self honesty.
So we already do this, but to make it more stable - we will meet and speak again about it.

My 'excuse' was about Agreement that there is no a girl who can 'comprehend' desteni material in practice - and without that, Agreement is not really possible - so it is a cool opportunity.

At weekend I faced already a point - while she was here at my place - after a while, I did not do my 'todo' things - but we ended up in bed hugging and speaking - and sometimes sex, but after the sex thing happened some times - I realized - I did the same with most of the girls in my past - and it started with my ex-wife, at university, when we came together finally(about after a year yearning, desiring, suffering from 'love' lol), then we all day were in bed and hugging and speaking and that's it - and it was like a mind-state what feel great, that I did not want to stop.
So it is cool to face that again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of her because I defined to 'have' a girl is rare.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'have' a girl instead of standing as beings as equals as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use girl and stay in bed with her - to escape from my reality, from what I am experiencing, from what I must do, from who I became as Mind Consciousness System.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and exploring self expression within the presence of an other human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance towards girls, towards relationship, towards agreement to not wanting to face myself directly with a partner, instead of realizing that this could be really assisting if I stand and express self honesty within every moment.


So I stop fear, I stop procrastinate, I stop judge, I stop hesitate, I stop escape, I stop being in bed all day to not need to do my todos, instead of realizing that my todo-s are me, if I do not do my todo as me - I am not living myself unconditionally.

I will continue to share myself and assist her within self forgiveness and she already offered her presence to assist self - doing videos, speaking about points, she would be around me to see - can I do my expressions as I would do alone when she is here?
That would be cool, so at weekend, we will see.

Every day blogging I am.

Self forgiveness on resistance

While doing SRA - this assisted me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced by resistances towards self-directed walk-through on information what I defined before as 'a lot' - instead of realizing - I am here, I direct here, there is nothing 'lot' - I am simply considering always what is actually here - then I am realizing - I am already here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being distracted from what I decided to do - by allowing things popping into my head and reacting to immediately doing that - instead of realizing I try to avoid facing myself within the act what I started to express after my decision to do so.

Self Trust

Self trust is the basement of facing. If I do not trust my facing application either - what? Then why I continue instead of stopping participate within any application what can not be trusted.
Self here is trust - everything else is not worthy of trust unless each participant of 'trust' is self always here as self trust - then we can talk reality otherwise who I could trust in someone when I see here how that human is constantly changing according to experiences - who are in power in physical - can direct humans through determining the impulses of their physical reality - and they will respond accordingly.
Then that being how can be trusted? It's a complicated machine if we apply extreme self honesty and common sense - within a perfect equality system it is unacceptable to allow someone to not being aware of the consequences of their acts, because if all equally powerful within existence, if each equally god - then even one fucked up 'god' - can fuck up the whole existence.
Because if one is not the same all the time but defined by outside - then inside can not be real, can not be life, can not be here.
It is imperative to realize that without developing here-ness we are nothing but dust in the weather - nothing constant, nothing can be trusted endlessly - because everything is of change.
But the solution is then is also obviously here: I am here - I let go everything what is not really here physically. I let go even that what is here physically. I am here as the Physical.

Banks support Inequality, Separation, Elitism

My mother called me because she got a letter and apparently I've been approached the bank, where my salary goes - and because of salary is more than a certain amount(~1000Eur) - I was able to change my contract to some sort of 'VIP', what would mean the followings:
-I do not have to stand in lines to have assistance in the bank, I got a person who I can call and deal my issues with directly any day.
-I do not pay any % for money transfer, account fee, SMS-prices, most of the ATM-usages etc
-I get 'better' investment offers, deposit rates than the 'usual' bank users.
-Better credit card opportunities, more debt allowed etc - lolol

This clearly means: the bank disregards the poor for the benefit of the rich.
I would say, it would be much better if this would be the opposite - the poor should not get plucked by any % - rather the rich should be.
This is an other example of the ruthless system what measures 'living'-qualities by the people's money. It's the same as the cast-systems where the outcasts have nothing and they are disregarded by the system, by the members of the system, because they are not supporting the system. Because they can not, or because they refuse to. But anyway the outcasts are very busy with surviving, so they are occupied, so they can not influence, change the system, but the system utterly determines their reality anyway - as your money, as your quality of 'life'.
That's why we must realize within ourselves one by one that the quality of Life is at least the naturally distributed Equality System, where none of the members are disregarded, only because they do not have money.
What is the worth of happiness for me if I am aware of the sly metal claw of this money-pyramid-consumer-addiction, a self-abdication where a Self is not aware of All Self Here as Equal as One, yet still responsible for the determination of Reality without even being aware of it only for self-deception, otherwise Self would Change.
Changing Self requires changing the System of Life - the Value must be Life - not allowing anyone to be harmed just because some have more money and they say so. Those who has money and fear from loosing it, probably they're right - if they would not direct the current Human System with metal harshness, probably they would kill each other in years. But if we explore the Principle of 'Equality and Oneness' - we can research, dig out what Really Matters, here As Physical as Substance.
And if we can not Live All Equally supported on the Physical level - we do not exist as Life, we exist as a Programmed System, which will end inevitably, as it is not aware of that it is destroying itself before even realizing what is happening.

The Solution is an Equal Money System what means the maximum amount of money is divided equally between all humans and each newborn would have well enough money for:
-Support the Human Physical body with proper food, shelter, healthcare
-Support the Being with Education - how Reality works, how Self moves, how through the mind humans deceive themselves and others
-Support the Being with Pure Self Expression as Innocence as Life as Infinity

This would obviously mean that most of the crimes would disappear what are about the money.
Also this would mean that each child would have equal opportunity to Express Life - everyone should become aware how painful to
-tell your child, that she/he can not do who they really are, because the family is poor
-being told that you can not be simply who you are, because you have to fight for survive.
Within an Equal Money System - those competitions what abuse Life would stop - no more raging 'religional' wars for resources, no more nervesick jobs for resources where people have to win and loose for money.
The banks would put together the money - what is already in computers anyway - and start to support an Equality Group - wherein the participants would be supported in physical level and they would research and implement the New, Global Equal Money System - and then Humanity would start to learn how to take responsibility for themselves and for the planet.
The planet is going fine, but the living conditions are going down quite fast - the environment can not take any poison, it starts to give it back to the humans - and the humans can not stand up for this global changes because they are divided, separated, different intents, agendas - therefore if we do not unite within One Global Group - the environment issue can not be handled within sufficient effectiveness, therefore it is a must to bring about a change within our starting point from profit and energy to Physical Equality.