Desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress to writing out by judging myself - simply because I defined it as not good enough, and then instead of correcting myself accordingly and realizing my process location - I compounded energetically therefore my self expression can not flow naturally but of energy what is unacceptable. I stop. I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes instead of realizing that if I do not make mistakes - I am of unmanifested mistakes what I judge before I could express, I can not learn of it because I never actually did. I stop judging, I stand here as One Vote For Equal Money System, I stand here as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after something what I already realized that is of inner perception of separation.

I Stand as Life within the money system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression and not realizing by judging myself I stop express therefore I am not able to physically correct myself therefore I must stop self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself by defining I am powerless because I am of the money system, I do not have enough money to support me and others unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I must use math: 1+1=2 - move day by day, moment by moment, realigning myself with the principle as what is best for all, seeing what blocks me to express myself in this and then applying self forgiveness, writing, sharing and stopping and moving on. Simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to solve everything in one moment instead of realizing that is of mind - the current system is not in the stage what can be corrected or changed in a single moment therefore if even I try it - I can realize - I am not capable of - and then I must not judge myself according to this act - but realizing that there is a group with I can stand and moment by moment accumulating all within the starting point of Equal Money System we can proceed but then I must stop all desire, all separation, all fear, all definition from within.

Move pt2 money 2

I stop procrastinate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my freedom according to money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move according to money because I defined myself through money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge money instead of realizing I am judging myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame money system instead of realizing that I must take responsibility to stand up for money system and be the change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for change instead of being the change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as locked in within the money system as a slave of it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself who I am because I judged myself as I do not have enough money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself because of the lack of money.
I forgive myself to think, believe that if I would have tons of money, I would be 'more free' instead of realizing that no one is free within the current money system, I must push the point of exposure and change as myself.
I forgive myself that I procrastinated to express myself according to money because I constantly allowed myself to judge my situation as not having equal money to express properly that I am not satisfied with the current money system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express equal money system unconditionally because I judged it according to how I judged others and then that judgement was actually projected self judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my job my god by doing it for basic money income and without my job I am moneyless, without money I defined myself powerless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as powerless when I do not have enough money to eat, to have a place to sleep etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taking granted what is being given to me here in my country instead of realizing that nothing is being granted, actually always somebody is paying for everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Equal Money System instead of being it, instead of moving it, instead of promoting it, instead of manifesting it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that it is enough to pay an amount for support instead of realizing that it is not about the amount, it is about who we are as starting point within the system, as equals.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify and reason why I do not express myself according to how I experience money system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to fully consider what I am responsible for within the current abusing money system simply by 'wanting to have things' within the current money system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being exposed as communist because of stating out 'equality' instead of realizing that communism never really worked as equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with the idea that I have to make tons of money to be able to stand up for the current money system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to earn much more money than what I currently get for my job to be able to become the directive principle -- yet not really manifesting it, always planning, but not really acting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find excuses to keep my money and then buying things what are not exactly necessary for supporting me within the process.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that within the current money system everything is based on money, sexuality, expression, having a child - are bound to money, so if I have a desire for anything related to money - I am of it, through the money point.
I forgive myself that I have not considered that the equal distribution of money could work first only within groups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate to express my point on Equal Money System by prioritizing this as not urgent instead of realizing that within my reality I must be the change what I want to see, therefore I move, I express.
I forgive myself that I have not considered that if one has no money, has no access to health care system, have not access for proper shelter, food, water, what is unacceptable. Each mush get food, basic support within the physical. Until this is not manifested - there is nothing more outstanding issue. Therefore who I am is what I do, what is my starting point, I am Life as Equality - let's manifest it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern about Banks, Current Political, Military Establishment by placing myself as smaller, as less than these systems - it is unacceptable. Rather realizing that the math works here as well: 1+1=2. Agreed Equals stand together and form a group and share and support realizations and promote Equality actually stars HERE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from temptations regarding to money, corruption instead of realizing who I really am as Life, who and what I stand for and I forgive unconditionally upcoming temptations what are of self-interest, what are my self responsibility as I created these within myself as the reflection of my starting point. I stop. I stand, I breath, I act within the starting point of 'What is best for all?'.

Move pt1 money 1

Okay, I've decided to move no matter what - there was some extensive self judgement built up while I was under this medical treatment - there was a suspicious scar on my chest what doctors decided to cut out - still waiting for the final labor result but I never was seamed on my skin before - it was not that cool, but by resting all day I had time to reconsider what I am, what I represent and what I must act.

I start with some money issues what I shared on multiply - actually I must push expressing more on my multiply account -- that one is specifically about and on the money point.

http://talamon.multiply.com/journal/item/132/My_current_money_points

Actually I should repost it here:

Actually I am a bit concerned about how to proceed. My initial point first was to be able to make as much money as I can - to be able to 'have then time by not needing to robot for money as job at workplace - to be able to express myself, to be able to share and support by money, basically to become a directive point by being able to financially stand and be.
There is a possibility to remain within the situation of serving corporations for money, the money should be okay(of course not to mention that the current money system supports all the abuse, therefore if I am participating within the current money system - I support child abuse, starvation, destroying nature etc), but then I do not 'feel' comfortable when I see directly how big profit I support the corporation to make.
My current job is about building massive websites with people can build, test, process and deploy specific websites for the company very dynamically. With this system, the website building, testing, fixing, deploying process is far more effective, therefore the company can deliver MANY quality websites in short time, by people who are not really technical. Therefore my responsibility point regardless to my salary - is that I support this international corporation to expand more, to aggressively take over the market and increasing the revenue of the company. Of course, I am a bit piece of this machine but I am - therefore my concern initially was to support myself yet I stand for Equality.
My first upcoming status was to leave this company and find a new job - but my 'profession' is about programming website functionality(background services mostly), so I have experience in this. Shall I remain within 'programming scene' - or I should find a new area to express and to live on with what I can stand and express my vote for equality - in action, not only in words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become confused about what company I do work for and what I stand for within the system - not realizing that I am part of the system, I must generate money to support myself to be able to live and express.
I forgive myself that I have judged the company where I work, instead of realizing that judging anything is of definition, is of self deception, self dishonesty because I do compare, I do use memory to rely on what is of the past, what is not actually HERE.
I forgive myself that sometimes I simply want to quit my job because it is not always comfortable to sit all day in an air conditioned office and watching, manipulating program codes, databases, environments all day - instead of purifying my starting point and remain stable and express myself and see my contract as support - I do my job and I am able to stand within AND expressing myself unconditionally as I want change, I want Equal Money, I want to give up all within me what does not support Equal Money because this is what really important within the equation of 'what is best for all?'
Because 'MY' happiness and statisfaction I already realized, never will be full until I am experiencing this level of equality being manifested physically: no one is being harmed for profit, noone is being excluded from basic support as food, shelter, water, healthcare because of lack of money.
How to do it practically - continously promoting, speaking, bringing up on forums and face those who are being opposed by it - simply because they fear from losing what they already have. Common sense I should use, by explaining that what they have is not really personal, it is a polarity system and how they could enjoy continuous entertainment while many has to suffer for it - by this every good becomes bitter, by directly researching how the current system works, directs - anyone can realize that we must change the value from profit and greed and survival to Support Life.
For two months I was obsessed about 'wondering what to do' - instead of seeing what is actually HERE and act immediately within the starting point of what is best for all - and if realizing mistakes, dishonesty - then applying the self forgiveness, self honesty, writing, sharing, blogging, vlogging to stop dishonesties and walk walk breath act walk breath act within the group.

self forgiveness on suppression and hesitation

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself unconditionally by judging the situation and the thing to be expressed by judging it as not relevant/not great enough/not final instead of realizing the math of 1+1=2 and express myself withhout self judgement .

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by judging and suppressing myself actually I am not here as myself but as of definition with the starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself without judgement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire toexpresz myself instead of realizing that the desire is here as myself as of separation from what I judge and suppress and compound instead of naturally I

express as  undefined as simple self trust here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate by fear of judgement, even when it is fear of judgement of others, it is in fact self judgement. I stop. I breathe.

dont think

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define that my thinking is because of tiredness - instead of realizing that my thinking is not directly related with tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when I do not express - instead of realizing - when I do not express - I think.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and manifesting self judgment and thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to thinking.

my expectation program what i stop

i think of something
and i think of what i would not like to have
because i think what i like to have -- then it is an attitude to 'wait for' the one what i would not like - then when it happens - it is already 'suspected' to have this, so no surprise, no disappointment -- but when the one happens what i like to have - (experience) - then i am glad

this is a program
this is not self direction
i forgive myself to define what i would like and polarize with the one what i would not like - and then by expecting the one what i would not like - i am a slave of my definitions - expectation - i spectate the situation - from an external point - not as myself -- expectation

I forgive myself that I think of something - instead of acting as awareness breath presence without separation - - the separation what is perceived only when I am in active participation within and as the mind consciousness system.

writing again

writing down all to me
writing down that if i let go of discipline and decision - I loose perspective - I become self oriented.
writing down that if i let go of principle and dedication - I think
writing down that if i let go of breath awareness - I am lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to let go of discipline, decision, principle, dedication, breath - is because I think - is because I am lost.

It is unacceptable to accept myself as I am lost, as I am thinking - I stop thinking - I stop being lost - I am here. I breathe through the energetic experience of being lost - I let go - I breath. I remain as presence.

I forgive myself that I accepted myself to define myself as the energetic experience of being lost.
I am here - I am here as expression - within and as the physical. No way to be lost here - as long as I am not dead - I can not be lost - as I have a physical location - here. I am all ways here - I am literally 'here'.
I must direct my situation - I want to become standalone - financially first - to stand without waving.

So I must leave my job. Regardless of money - I must find a more practical way - to make more income with less time - because the time is with I can not deal - it goes - I walk as time if I walk without being pulled down just because of working for money to be able to then I express myself.
I transform already my work and job expression into something without thinking - however - not yet simple breathing presence - it requires discipline and methodology to embrace all situations.

Actually it is very supporting to be in a repetitive place like my workplace is - when I develop inner silence through applied self-will and self-honesty.
Because this one I trust - within self honesty - am I silent? No.
This is obvious - because I have some reference points regarding to exist within no thinking yet being present - but through the long druggy participation meanwhile - those must be transcended first - to be able to face direct experience - then that one can be realized and transcended as well - it is like an onion - or an additive filter-group - each one filters something out from the reality experience - each a little - but there are many - and therefore one's reality is actually very little - so to speak - what one can experience - so then that must be specific and those points form a personality behind and fed by mind-energy - emotions,feelings,thoughts, depicting memory - all energy - addiction to the energy what moves through my body, like wires what are sucking out my physical power continuously - mind is an abomination. must be stopped.
I can not trust a human really who has "moving" mind. Therefore I do not trust myself as well when I am in active thinking for instance - total bullshit. Stop. Breathe. Directly 'see' points and move, act, breath, next.
I must add that something already realized - or being realized - or must be realized - writing has to be very natural.
Not much - simply directly the situation - no need 'dear diary - I am going through a lot of things' -- divertion -- direct specific words -- for instance - 'I write more - because without it - I am being lost.'
Too much happen to be able to write in the 'normal' way - that describing situations and then what happened and I experienced like that -- I must direct myself out from three situations at least:
-finish the museum job asap - it should not be more than some weeks - if I push - otherwise it will rot - and this job I do just because of my polishing my CV - so just do it.
-find a deadline when to : -resignate from job, from the flat what I rent - last date is march - but the more sooner - the more better...

-send the package somehow to sa

if this three will be done - that would mean - I am ready to move and change and find better job - what motivates me more and gives more flexibility to do my own stuff

yt comment

It is bullshit that love is greater than hate - both are delusion as justification of self abdication - within any mind-definition - nothing is real, it's a make-belief addiction what one must face and understand - to be able to apply the tools to stop it. Unless the constant defining is stopped - the physical can not be explored. Then. Physical body - physical breath. Physical substance.

As Direct Experience - without definition - Self can explore Self -- within Self-definition - Self only explores Self-dishonesty.

So it is important to have a physical experience reference to a state of beingness when not defining.
Then this reference point can be used within self honesty points regarding to automatic behaviour.
Is this the "empty" mind or the noisy mind what is working, directing me?

Reality just is - without any romance - without embracing the whole polarity system in each breath - the mind can not be transcended.

Pushing the point again - desire - relationship - agreement

Okay - regarding to desire - relationship - agreement and dishonesties -- I did about a hour vlog - and did extensive emailing in hungarian with several beings - however I was not satistied my expression - it was not direct on the point - and my speakings in the video was not that understandable as I would like so - so I will write about it again and redo vlogs - to compress the shit into one or two vlogs - and writing it down more directly.

So I will start the 'story' about one year ago - first time it will go until last december - then I will continue on forthcoming day.
-----
It is like closing a period in my life - as I already realized things - but resonantly coming up - so I write more, expose more, I will do mind constructs and self forgiveness and self corrective application - this will be some of occasions - but I will do so anyway - it must be done.

Whats going on on on and on

Recently I was emailing directly with several people, mostly in hungarian - fascinating points came up - mostly about my discipline regarding to desires and focus to remain here as physical.

With my some ex-girlfiends and other people(mostly women) I started to open myself up directly within communication - simply writing about my current process - what I am facing actually - some are giving some perspectives - to see - what reflections I am still participating based on belief, desire, fear or simply not taking self responsibility to stand up for all within my act.
For instance - when I speak with specific women - I do not have this obvious desire after sex or very direct physical contact - but several times I was able to see it hiddenly - within words - not because I am symbolically speaking of desires - more likely as I speak about the sexual topic - I saw that some times I expected to respect/response with the same - opening up inner issues of themselves - also about sexual experiences, insights etc - and what I saw that the hope within myself about 'maybe then after we speak about it - then IRL we could do so' - but when I see it directly - not really - it is more likely subconscious - but sometimes comes up to conscious level and then I see it when I am here as breathing - but several times I acted(wrote) withint the starting point of energy - and if I release this expression(send it in email) then it will reflect back...So it happened...
Therefore there was some kind of 'temptation' as well - as specific women approached me in specific circumstances with the offering of 'we should sleep together' - but I did not do so...
Later on I had the chance to react inside -- I went into inner dishonesty by following desire - and in those moments - I experienced this desire - to use the opportunity - but I was not sure - so I still did not do so - then the opportunity was not here anymore - but I was able to see 'I was not absolutely direct' - still I was a bit of being directed - however there was this sprout of standing absolute by discipline/principle/decision/realization/self-honesty.
So I must stabilize and express this decision, discipline, principle, realization, self honesty - by writing about why and how I realized what I must stop - what I must reject, what I must do when temptations come to stand as Life Principle.

It all started with myself opening up to women about in the begining of the summer of 2009 - and first of all - I did not 'script up' situations - I just walked into it - and then I was being intriqued by it and I was directed - not that obviously and utterly as years ago when I fell into absolute delusions regarding to specific women -- but still of dishonesty, still of desire.
And in fact - I wanted to form an agreement - and by this 'want' - I did not do so - and also I did not take into consideration the other - the other's process - and see common sensically that that woman suits the placement for this with me to walk as equally as one - the first one trial: simply did not.
However it took several months for me to realize how this construct what was moving me - works, operates, moves me and why and what is what I am not experiencing within myself and I feel separated from - what I want to have by that specific woman.
When it started to be obvious that she does not get this whole thing and she does not even want to open up for realize it - it was obvious that this wont really work - but I was still busy to make this work - and by wanting to - I became this want - and within becoming this want - I lost my starting point as self as presence - not totally - but within specific situations...
For instance when she was kissing me and hugging - I simply forgot things lol...
So after a while - sexual desire also arised and when that was not to happen - I started to physically experience this system directly. It was strong and really rude experience - the pain was about once in two weeks - for a half a hour - almost unbearable - this area of myself(down there from genital/ass coming up by the center of my trunk) - was in a some kind of energetic burn experience. To describe this experience - the tip of this was my asshole and tip of my penis - and from this points - these really felt like one point - and from those two - experiencing arising energy flames upwards - and these energy flames - somehow I felt these as empty/black/energetic information systems moving up slowly but very strong - and pain was so strong that in it's peek(the strongest part was always for 5-15 minutes) I was nothing more but presence, pain, breath. Literally.

In these moments - there nothing left - but breathing and remaining here - I've tried distractions - even once or twice masturbation to 'release' the energetic compound - but did not really help - it was like this experience always waited for me so to speak - and when I was here as presence - it intensified and came full blown and then after 'purely' breathing through - it was gone - very fascinating experience - this was about for a year - suppressed sexual desire -- after being with this one specific woman while she 'allowed to do things' but not 'actual sex' - so I was aroused and after some rejections - or watching sexual video without masturbating to orgasm -- this came up -- sometimes at work - when I had to deal with it - to go somewhere to be alone and then breath through it...
After a while of course - I realized that this is very serious - and I remembered once we had chat with Bernard when he said it sounds like an infection - but I was like - it is obviously of suppressed compounded sexual desire - what is of mind-based - and maybe it manifested synptoms are of infection - but the core is of sexual disorder...

This event occured totally about 15-20 times - but about 5-6 were really seriously - absolutely - intense to the outmost degree.
I realized that I must change - and by the decision to change - I did not change automatically.
I had to investigate specifically how I participate within this - so then I started to stop participate within sexual desire.
First of all - by stopping the reaction to women on street - by stopping watching them as 'sexual objects' - as I remember - I did not watched them always like this -- only since I am working at this office and being with this people and 'sitting in' into this lifestyle of working at office, being alone, sometimes watching sex movies and wanting to have sexual intercourse with women but not doing so in physical.

In a way - I was aware of this dishonesty - so I was aware of one day I will stop - same as with smoking weed - I always was aware of that this is temporally - but at the moment it is here...But then I realized - I can't wait for it's end - if actually it is me - I have to stop myself to stop it. So I did 21 days stopping - I did masturbation - sometimes not using pictures, sometimes yes - it was very fuzzy - yet - when I did without pictures - still some 'small' reactions came up - but yet - then after - I was not ashamed - or felt discharged, and I did not feel that this I must keep in secret as it was 'natural'.
So somehow this started to change...
However when I was with this girl - things came faster that I could handle - so sometimes I lost my floor - and became energy waves..up and down...

So I wrote more about it and I wrote about sexual intents and what is my desire and how I define it and I wrote self forgiveness...
It started to change - I was able to extensively reduce my inner reactions towards women on street/eating place/office - and I kept pushing myself because I saw that I can stop - as I formed this to became - I can stop it on the same way - directly doing it - the stopping of it - daily - moment by moment...
So then with this girl - who I proposed to make agreement on sexual based physical support for each other by standing within self honesty and openness - she did not wanted it - and it came to the surface that she 'plays' with an other guy also - as I realized - she did not wanted me simply as a 'friend' but not that much as we would do 'intimate' thingies...
So then I approached her when she evaded me regardless of we agreed in a specific meet - and then asked directly and explained one more - that I can stand with her unconditionally if she moves self honestly and opens herself up - but then when I was pushing her to express directly - she told me that she did not want to meet with me because she did kisses with an other guy - so then she was ashamed of herself and she did not wanted to face with me.
So then I told her that it is over - and she asked me to be friends and I told her that friends are fiends - then I left her and deleted her phone number in my phone to be sure - I do not go back.

It was my decision - to clearly step out from this -- and it was also an experiment from the beginning - that I will not manipulate her, I will not make her being attracted to me and I will not reason her to do so - without mind games I wanted her to act - because in my past - I did these to 'get' women - and I do not do so anymore - because is of dishonesty -- so then she did not wanted this - and I experienced a bit mess within me and I started to burn inside so to speak - or more likely - I started to burn myself with this by reactions -- So I stepped out and started to stop and write and open and forgive things what came up...
It was intense - but about 1000 times less than I experienced when I was before - so it was not that huge, world destroying mindpain - it was simply unpleasant - what? my mind of course - but I experienced it as I can handle and walk through it...
In fact - I wanted this - to face and make apparent mistakes to see what I already accepted and manifested...
So I got this...
Then after one-two months - doing another 21 days dare - I met with an other woman - I found her interesting - she was not that 'bitchy' woman-like as usual women who I liked before - so the 'danger'/'desire' polarity did not rang up within me - and I did not experienced body-sensual-desire - as she was not the usual 'my type' - and I liked this - because I did not went immediately into desire - more likely it was a curiosity so I approached her to a speaking walk with her - without inner movement - simply just breath walk speak -- and it was fascinating - however I experienced something 'wrong' with her from the perspective of experiencing her 'wounded' in that time...
After speaking for hours in a some kind of 'meetings of friends, some were smoked and speaking wisely and spiritually but of nonsense' - I enjoyed her not being involved within this wise-pretending bullshit - but anyway I was like - whatever - it was fascinating...
After months - she approached me about wanting to communicate with me - and then emailing, and then she came to me and spoke 7 hours and then she left.
Next week she came and wanted to get massage at one point and then we ended up in sexual things - not much I had desire for it - of course I had some sort of - but in physical - did not mean anything but distraction - so I breathed through the mind-bullshit and we enjoyed each other...
So then I told her - I am not for romantic moments - more likely self honest agreement where we directly communciate and support each other and starting to build something together - and she liked the idea but I was aware of she have no idea...
She told me that she had intense self-abuse by alcohol recently - and she stopped it completely and she is ready to let go that and actually face - so it was quite reasonable - and we started to meet, speak and do sex...
Okay I will continue next time...

Imperative

It is imperative to not recreate the relationships - or even it's deception again -- I am specific - I stand I breath, I apply, I move, I change.

So I am going into well-described, communicated agreement only - otherwise I stand alone.

I do not compromise myself - in fact there is a girl who invited me to see that if we could form a sexual relationship based on honesty -- it is obvious that she has no idea about self honesty - as the last relationship was also like this -- K. did not know anything about self honesty and self foriveness - I trust myself in the moment - and I do not trust anyone else but myself here - and direct - assist, and move. Simple. Not defining but stating out that I am not willing to support self dishonesty - within other and within myself - same -- no more.

shaky mocky - all ways stand alone as facing death

Death teath teeth teather weather wealth health

When I was shaving my head - I was not aware of I was not here for long moments - I was of imagining - and after a while - I realized my hands and feet were shaking. Of course, the water was cold already, but that is not the reason -- somehow the system came into surface what makes me fear of death.
Fascinating - facing unknown - facing death -- when I as the system can not comprehend but I am facing through - this comes up and I am wondering about unreal things.
Bringing myself here - Presence, Push breath and express and explore what means to stand here as physical stability.
Yes - this is it - I am typing directly as myself as the computer and as I am breathing and I am saying the words - I stand - no separation I do allow by reacting, judging or even being unsure about what I am doing. This is who I am - I am Here.
Yes and then things happen and I am facing with resistance - no matter what - I push - I am this all - I am the resistance - I embrace, I understand, I am becoming aware of what I face - and then I move it as myself - no separation - no reason - no goal. Simply I am movement.

So this is at the moment where I share some points what I was experiencing recently.
So I was writing about how I experienced women recently - especially my partner, K. - At the middle of the week she wrote an email to me about - I must translate the whole letter as it is specific: I noticed that she is avoiding me, and it was apparently because she had inner conflict and self judgement, self hatred issues, and I pushed the point and offered her points to being stable and support directly - if she moves and changes in real by applying the tools...she said, yes, but never did really - so at the festival as she approached, I was seriously crystalcrisp about I am standing with her or without - but I do not allow her to remain in fucked up - and she was smoked - and I told her - enjoy yourself - and I left her -- after that she did not find me -- and after almost two weeks, I was working at the office, when she wrote this letter:

dear tala, well I disappeared, as you noticed...at ozora I fell in love and the outside world disappeared...since days i am trying to come back, not really I can...this is it, honestly, myself I am surprised about life...I do not know how to handle a situation like this, but I think that the honesty is the only way...
I need a bit more time to wake up, after that I will visit you...
to make love and to engage into intimate relationship I can not do anything else, only with my lover...this is strange for myself as well, but this is it...
but anyway, write about what is going with you, because I am interested(but if you dont want, I do not force it)
I hug you, k.

Well, that made me react lolol...Since december we regularly met and I was like - okay I do not compromise myself, I build agreement here - but she did not - it is proven here...
I was angry - and in fact angry to myself that I trusted her and I did not realize that she was not really moving but as I wanted her to move - she could act like that - and also within my hope - I saw her 'moving' - but in fact - if she can write a letter with such content of 'love, and I can not come back to reality' - I consider her as robotic as all the other human systems lolol.

So with this anger I was content for a while but then I started to apply self forgiveness - and in a hour the 'body' energetic compound disappeared - but within my head - sometimes came up -- and it was like re-reading the message to see that any reaction comes up - and in fact sometimes did -- surprise - yes - disappointment - not really - but it was cool because I am becoming more specific - not waving about the past but look what is actually here.
So that was about - after one day - I write loong letter to Marlen and it was cool - to write down all things and see that am I blaming? am I projecting? or I am expressing myself here?
So it was cool - and the whole thing started to manifest when I stared to focus onto the relationship to make it an agreement - in fact we agreed on some things - but it was not specific and not was of principle as oneness and equality...
But I accepted it - as I always existed in unequal relationships - so I make it happen by transition - it was phase two.
First phase was when I approached Gy who I knew long before and kind of liked her presence as she could express in a quite of innocence - but in other way she is well stubborn and suppressing - so I approached her and offered my unconditional assistance if we would form an agreement - of course with sex - but she evaded that - and this was the first attempt to approach a girl - without playing nice, without manipulation, without 'selling myself' - without using her dishonesty to make her move as I would do so -- and it did not work - it was fallen and even our 'contact' as relationship as some kind of 'friendship' fallen - for long months...

After that I said her that this does not work - and deleted Gy's number - simply showing my decision to her and to myself as well - that I do not take shit, i rather walk and die alone then I would accept bullshit...

So after that K came - and she somehow was attracted to me - I never really understood women why would do so lolol but it was okay -- I did not judge her as 'my type' - and that is what I liked - however she had a kind of expression what made me curious about how this being works?
And then she approached and asked for speak and then asked for massage and then for erotic massage - this was the third time we met and then we made meetings regularly - I stated out that I would not want romantic moments, rather direct self support based on self honesty and direct communication and she liked it and then the more we came 'together' in a way - I could express myself - and she even did that she told me several times when I was too much of 'speaking of information' to shut up - and also I did this to her - so it was the beginning...then by months - I was able to face the fact that my sexual desires are of delusion, are of mind - based on participation with porn and extensive sexual suppressions through my 'dark ages' when I was in drugs and spiritual agenda...
So I told to her that I am going to stop all of these but I would require more sex - more than weekly or twice in a month - and she agreed, but it never happened except two or three times...
So I had this focus on her and it clearly started to transform into discipline - but as my discipline and stability manifested - I started to push her more and more - and she fell - and I started to expect things from her - what she did not like - for instance to not drink alcohol - as she has serious issues to not being able to stop drinking and drinking alone and judging and hating herself...so it all came into surface when she evaded me and I was being tested that am I jealous? and after all it was gone - it came into the light that she was all alone and not wanting to face me because she was 'bitchy' - and I dared her to face me and allow me to come and intervene - but in fact - she was indeed - avoiding, evading, yes a bit bitchy - so then I was pushing her more - claiming her to write list and build self trust and she told me that she did - but anyway she told me that her previous relationship what lasted for 12 years - is still haunting her and she requires that guy's expression and she needs a bit of time and blah blah blah and then I told her that - "well, I am then dealing my sexual suppressed desire alone, but I let her be and then we will see - so since about 25 days I am doing this no orgasm experiment - in fact about 20 days before we did sex but no orgasm - but anyway since then I am disciplining myself to live without orgasm - and running after situations when I could have orgasm.
It assists me - but in times I still want to masturbate and even I watched sex movies - but then I stopped and I was exploring how it is triggered and how I am going to stop this for ever.
I am mailing with several women - and in fact some of them is almost 'asking' for sex - and I am going to face them but I told them that no promise, I am not going to being driven my dick - so no expectactions...

But it is fascinating to see that as I have no 'self-defined' partner anymore - the past just comes back directly - what I never transcended - for instance the desire for having sex - and in fact this is almost undefined - as in a way - I could define 'preferable' sexual experiences what my desires are about - but those would be obviously situations what in real life I am not interested....
For instance I visited sex club - swinger - when I was with people who do fuck with strangers as others speak - and I had no intent to participate with my dick - so when I had the chance to participate in orgy - I had the opportunity - but I asked myself? Is this what I really want? And the answer was directly no. So then that one was exposed - full of mind - not real - so I must go - as soon as possible - directly, in one breath.

And it is fascinating to speak with women - without actually being horny or aroused or even see them as 'sex object' - yes it sounds quite strange, but most of the men has this within teir mind - and when I do not participate - then I can experience the being - and the issues of her - and I can assist - without concerning about 'loosing my hope to have something sexual with her' - as in fact I never intended to.

Yet with the girl called Gy - we met again and I compromised myself in a way - as I was on the ground with her and I put my hand under her panties and grabbed her ass for a while and she had nothing to against it - and it was fascinating to see that I am still attracted to her body - what I allowed - and then we slept together in a tent within different sleeping bags - without anything sexual - as I had no intent to push this point with her anymore and also she told me that she has her boyfriend who would be in pain if he would know that she does sexual things with other boys - that was reasonable.
However I still experience that she sometimes even require this kind of attention from me - what is maybe a justification from myself to myself to not stop sexually approach her - but what is already a progress - that I had no big 'flyaways' - I was able to breath through when I could disregard the fact that better to remain here than being opposed by being rejected lol...

So that it is - I did not answer to K. anything else except 'no comment' -- and Gy left the country for weeks - so I am here to stabilize myself and in time I will face both - - the specificity and direct standing - and not driven by desire but as principle.


What is important - as I have a bit more 'time' because I do not spend with K. - that I can push more the SRA training - the mindconstruct and the basic components - and the self forgiveness - and then moving on to introduce daily the mind-charts usage - and face with resonances...

For now, this is it...