2011.08.31 About agreement+status

2011-08-31
My partner is coming back from Siberia - she went out for two weeks, after two days I will go out to the airport to catch her.

It is fascinating to see that I am with someone again. About a couple years before I could freeze my ass on the idea that I 'have' a woman 'again' - but that seemed to be some sort of paranoia - but in fact if I direct and I am self honest - there is nothing wrong with being with a woman, especially if we decided to walk agreement.

Our agreement in a way is 'going' for a while now - however at one point I might say it is not standing - the consistency.
We simply did not decide for infinity - mostly myself but she is also not sure, mostly because of me.

I am still finding a proper job in London since June, it is starting slowly, on Friday I will have a phone-interview.

Why I want to go there to live? Definitely much-much greater salary. With that salary I would be able to support others with less more concerns and my intent to invest into equipment for starting specific projects(film for instance) meet the financial expectations(expensive stuff).

I told her that I could manifest a support environment for her and her kid(3 years) there, but she has her family and her ex(the father) who are supporting her to take care of the child and also the kid likes to be with his father, the friends at kindergarten etc, so she told me that for some years they will remain here. Then I can decide to keep up this while I stay at London with many weekend-visits and we will see.

I was dealing with this point and my want to go is quite strong, not only because of the money but I found more connections and possibilities to work with in London.
If I could get a decent contract, I will go out - I already arranged the place to stay at my ex-living-mate for the beginning until I could not afford my place to rent.

Recently I noticed that I still allow fear to come up regarding to 'making mistakes' what is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from who I can become if I push myself with no condition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being too rude if I want to manifest who I am or what I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged by others as too rude and raw because I am doing what I want instead of realizing that I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am unsure and inconsistent, my partner will be also unsure and inconsistent so it is my responsibility for my side of the agreement to stand firm and unwavering as breath as presence as physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by specific energetic reactions I am allowing myself to be possessed according to definitions of energy perceived within polarities.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not the same today, yesterday, tomorrow, then I am of energies of personalities what I must understand, write out, forgive and let go unconditionally.

With my partner I found not that disturbing that she sometimes does her tibetan buddhist practices - it is a great reflection point for me to see who I am regarding to buddhism, and in fact I always am sure about how I see this and this point and within that I am consistent - 'bullshit, self-deception, separation-based flawed conception' - and of course if I would be with her for 20 years and I would still allow it, I might face this more intensely, but at this moment it's a great point to see that when I do 'have' a point what I have issue with - do I stick to the point as facing self or I bring this up as a comfortable pressure point towards her - but in fact it is here many times - about 'okay but you are still participating within spiritual deception anyways' - and I must see this point directly to not get distracted.

The most important point to see that could I walk with her as eternity? I still see condition, and I make this open by this condition: she can and want to start Desteni I Process at a point or not - because if never - then I am not interested. If yes, then I am willing to walk with her.
Also we did not live together but in different apartment - it is in a way tempting - to have more time together - but at times we still face this 'okay, we saw each other enough, for 1-2 days, it's okay if not so' - what we still must push trough and in fact I could find EXTREMELY supportive if I could live with my partner - because then there is no 'way back' to re-build my personality alone by doing stuff what I've defined myself to do as 'alone'. Significant point and I want to live with my partner - but in fact it is not practical with her yet - I could say this will be the 'real' test of our agreement - because if we would move together - that would mean something, but until that we are still approaching to this point. She told me that she also have sometimes this 'freaking out' from being with someone, as she always found to be 'alone' more easy but this is obviously the question of self-honesty.

Is this maybe a some sort of hope? Still hoping in that she could start to apply the tools or not? In fact she does say and write self-forgiveness when nothing else left, but that's not enough.

In a way I am also tempted with many points while I am with her - temptations towards other women, desires were quite an issue before but I was able to realize - I must let this come out and let go and I am sure that some years ago I was able to walk without lost in desires so it the question of time and walk the decision. I am quite satisfied with this point currently but as we agreed to not have sex with other at all simply was the solution. Why did we not start with this? That's hilarious obviously but we are manifested as who we accepted to be and I allowed so much suppressed desires what I found unable to simply release in a day and if I let go and express, some times I face with the fact that if a girl is interested to do some sort of flirting with me and she acts so - I might respond automatically as I'm in the game. Because of self-definition regarding to who I am according to women. That's cool that we face this. She also faces this with many guys approach her and temptation is great but I always was aware of my process will embrace sexual temptations what I must stand through and make the decision all the time to remain self-honest, especially regarding to agreement, as literally keeping my word what we agreed on.
That's cool - that's in fact strengthening.

I am also sure that if my partner would remain with me, later she would experience from first hand, what is desteniiprocess and I do not need to force this as an option but she might 'join' - but for now she is continuing her tibetan practices and that was the most significant point for me to embrace about her.
But my point is to not accumulate uncertainty and hope because by that I manifest hope and by that I do not move unconditionally.

For me it is clear that I want change in my environment - I am leaving my apartman and I did not want a 'new one' in Budapest anymore, I wanted to go already but I still remain in Budapest - as my current contract will end from my designation point to two months, at least 3-4 months I will still remain at least, and for that it is worth to change place, maybe closer to my partner, will see.

What I noticed within my expressions is that somehow calmness comes in - I walk and I notice I am calm - then I 'check' my arms - are strained or I can relax my arms? I start to walk slower and I ENJOY that I am located within this slow, relaxed walk.

I remember, Sunette(AA) told me once that I will be able to remain acting while still relaxing and towards that I reacted with :woooooow, that would be cool indeed.

That time is here, I must push, by this point I realize I do not need to think, I do not need to fear, I do not need to worry, simply I see where is my location, what or who I am and simply trust myself as this point and push and keep acting, expressing, sharing.

I noticed this 'change' within typing as well - I make mistakes much less - I accept the fact that this is the keyboard, I do not need to rush to type, I simply find the comfortable, sustainable velocity within typing wherein I do not make typos all the time, if so, then simply remain within physical relaxation while deleting the typo and typing it in properly.
That's a HUGE experience for me, when I do not need to use anything to 'DO' relaxing, but simply wherein I am - I apply - my face I release from keeping faces up because at the moment I am possessed with specific mind-shit -- let go - relax, breathe, I do not require to smile or make serious face as a robot - I express and express and express.

I also am aware of I have the tendency to not manage time properly by wanting 555 things to be done instead of doing 1-2 properly - still of self-definition and by the time stressing myself with the fact that I am still not 'knowing' how the machine as myself works. Why? Because I still prefer information and knowledge over what is real/here? About who I perceive myself to be? I am here, I am real as physical.

Okay, if one not yet approached agreement, I suggest to try it out - of course after a while facing self it must be constantly expressed, for instance blogging, vlogging, - to be sure that I am not deceiving myself and others and in fact I am walking the change already.

Recently I am writing on paper again - what is in a way cool, but I must PUSH the sharing point, so much I can share - so I must push the blogging, vlogging point more.

Önmegbocsátás: kifejezés

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek felemelni a hangom.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy ha felemelem a hangom, akkor mások megijednek tőlem és nem fognak szeretni, kedvelni.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy úgy definiáljam magam, hogy énnekem szükségem van arra, hogy mások szeressenek, kedveljenek.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy azáltal definiáljam magam, hogy mások mit mondanak rólam, mit gondolnak rólam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy amit mondok, az nem lesz megfelelő, mert a múltban emlékszem pár alkalomra, amikor nem voltam képes kifejezni magam és úgy éreztem, úgy definiáltam, hogy jobb lett volna, ha csendben maradtam volna - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy az a múlt, én ITT vagyok és pillanatban őszintén képes vagyok átölelni a helyzetet és önbizalomban cselekedni.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy úgy járok, mint régen, amikor megpróbáltam felszólalni és képtelen voltam kifejezni magam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem vagyok képes verbálisan kifejezni magam, mert úgy definiáltam magam, hogy én nem vagyok jó beszélő.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak "elnémulni" és megfigyelőbe átmenni ahelyett, hogy cselekvő irányítóelvként fejezném ki magam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy visszahúzódjak és sodródjak, mert valami nem tetszik, mert éppen amit tapasztalok, mint saját magam valósága, azt úgy definiáltam, hogy túl sok vagy nem tetsző és ezért ki akarok lépni a pillanatból és csak leledzeni, amíg újra nem definiálom a helyzetet úgy, hogy "érdemes részt venni benne".

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól félek, hogy ha aktív résztvevője vagyok a valóságnak, akkor a következmények túl intenzívek lesznek és képtelen leszek tovább úgy létezni akként, aki most vagyok, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy a következmények elől képtelenség elmenekülni, hiszen a következmény is én vagyok egy és egyenlő.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam, hogy reménykedjek abban, hogy ha most nem fejezem ki magam, akkor később attól még az lesz amit szeretnék, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy bármiben bízni, hinni saját magamon kívül itt: illúzió.



Megbocságtom magamnak,hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy nem vagyok elég határozott.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy ha határozott vagyok, mert akkor attól félnék, hogy ez nem-e túl erős másoknak, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ha nem is adok esélyt magamnak, csak mert egy félelem valami miatt, akkor igazából az a félelem az, ami meghatároz, lekorlátoz, és azáltal, hogy én így fogadtam el magam - ahelyett, hogy elengedném a félelmet, nem reagálnék rá, s ha a pillanat jön, tudatosan lélegeznék keresztül a helyzeten anélkül, hogy bármi belső reakcióm fellépne, például gondolat, érzés.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek bármitől is, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez a félelem igazából pusztán információ, amit én úgy definiáltam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy nem vagyok egyedül, mert úgy definiáltam magamat, hogy én egyedülálló vagyok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy ha nem vagyok már egyedül egész nap, mert úgy definiáltam, hogy nekem szükségem van pár órára egyedül, hogy "magamnak, magammal" lehessek - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez is ön-definíció, azaz valahogy definiálom, hogy ki és mi vagyok és akként fejezem ki magam, de csak akként és úgy, pusztán mert szükségem volt arra, hogy legyen egy pont masgamban, ahol szóról szóra kerek perec ledefiniáltam, hogy ki vagyok, hogy ha esetleg nem tapasztalnám magam, akkor is "tudjam" - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, a tudás, mint információ, a gyakorlatban teljesen haszontalan.



Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy mit fogok mondani, ha kinyitom a szám.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy nem leszek képes kifejezni magam, ha kinyitom a szám.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, amit fizikailag nem tapasztalok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy bármitől való félelmem emlékkel és ön-definícióval kapcsolatos.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy hétköznapi ember legyek, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy amit definiáltam, hogy hétköznapi ember, igazából jelentéktelen félelmen alapszik, miszerint ha én nem vagyok hétköznapi, akkor máris úgy definiálhatom magam, hogy nem szokványos, nem hétköznapi, különleges - ám valójában ezek csak definíciók, szavak.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtgam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy úgy definiáljam magam, hogy "én olyan típus vagyok, hogy" - ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez ön-definíció, ami a félelem miatt kell, hogy amikor önmagamként önmagamban nem vagyok képes létezni, akkor definiálni kezdem, hogy mi mi, ki-ki.



Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy elfelejtem a lélegzetet, ami a valóság.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy ha vágyok valamire vagy valakire, akkor az azért van, mert félek, s félek, hogy nem tapasztalom azt, amiként definiáltam magam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy nőkre vágyjak, akikkel szexuálisan kielégítem magam és kielégítem őket, mert úgy definiáltam, hogy én ez leszek, ez vagyok, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ezek csak információ-definíciók, s ha azáltal létezem, hogy én hogyan definiáltam magam, az nem valóság.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy mindenkivel kedves és barátságos akarjak lenni, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, ez is ön-definíció, ami félelmen alapszik.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féjek, hogy nem vagyok elég barátságos-kedves.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy barátságos és kedves akarjak lenni másokkal azért, hogy ők is barátságosak és kedvesek legyenek velem, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy ez pusztán manipuláció, ha kedvességemnek okot találok.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy frusztráljam és idegesítsem magam a technikai korlátokon, amikkel szembesülök, ahelyett, hogy ezeket egyszerűen mérlegelném és vagy elfogadnám vagy tennék azért, hogy megszűntessem.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem tudok jó filmet csinálni, csak mert még sosem csináltam.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy abban bízzak, hogy "majd" később minden jobb lesz csak úgy "magától".

Walking on street within Self-dishonesty since childhood

Walking on the street

I remember, once I read Maite's blog about how she experienced herself walking on street, especially when walking by construction workers.

I noticed some programmed expressions within me as well while walking on street.
I explore this, starting with memories then current experiences.

I noticed that I have a tendency to judge the things and people what I face on street.

When I was a teenager, I remember many times I was like compelled to watch the people's eyes who I walk by when I was walking on the street.

I was like I want to look into the eye - I had no idea why - I suspiced that it's a wolf-thing, like both stare each-eye until one is turned around: the weaker. And I did this to many many many people - at bus stations at shops at market.
I was obsessed with this occupation - the other one could be small, girl, huge, man, did not matter, I was just staring and I did not even blink but stare like a werewolf to get this energetic experience of 'the other pulls away the stare first'.

I was walking to high school when I did this a lot.

In that time mostly I was so energetically charged most of my time, that I do not really remember much of the real physical elements of my surroundings - except when I was in 'waiting' mode for instance for bus and then I was able to watch each detail of the visuals of the trees, people etc.

I also remember how I defined women as sex objects. It's like I have a bunch of categories about how to behave on street with 'abc' - wherein
a = men - as wolf to show that I am the alpha
b = women - as I am the man
c = children - I am the possible best to play with

I remember also that for a while while I was reading Silva's Mental Control, I even did the 'three finger technique' what was about that what I think will influence the outflow - for instance a traffic light how could give a 'green' line when I touch my right ear, lol.

Mostly I've changed my behavior while I was walking by somebody, like stretching my back to look bigger, walk more 'seriously', to share an appear as I am 'somebody'.

Also with girls, I was unable to stare in their eyes, only for moments, I felt shame, extreme shy-ness.
Mostly because what I wanted to do with women(in that state I believed that I want so) and I felt shame, I was afraid that they could see through my wolf-stare and childish behavior. I felt dizzyness, confusion and distraction while I was facing girls, women, except the really old ones who I defined as
not sex-objects.

So mostly these with I was occupied when I was alone on street - and combining these into unrealistic dimensions while I was unaware of my breath where I am as physical anyways.

By years, many from these went gone, but some still can come up, for instance a need for wanting to look into the eye of the people who I walk by on street, stairway, sitewalk, hall etc.

Sometimes still I simply forget for a moment who I am what I am doing, where I am going - or it's more likely like these occupations while walking are 'entertainment' to ensure that I am 'pleased', 'I am occupied', 'I am experiencing'.

By these I've defined myself according to situations, for instance looking into the eye of a woman who I can define as attractive - or even as 'sensual/sexual' by the 'automatic' self-definition projection towards women - especially who I 'do not know' - the 'strangers' who I have no real-life connection, so it's like a free-prey of my mind - at least for a moment, because after I expose this activity for a particular woman - things change - or I do define more the 'subject' of my mind currently, what is of definition, of picture, in this case as : woman;
or I do not want to 'walk in that direction' because I exposed that I am in fact nasty for instance thinking sex about somebody who probably would not like to do so in physical and I do not like really myself when I do this - I like more direct act, if I'd like a woman, better to express it and face and see that is this really practical to me and to her or not? - and probably in this second case the answer is no - but how I can 'know' until I do not try? Knowledge is what I fuck myself with this time.

Even sometimes I turn around to want to see that
-the woman might also turns around and in that case I could define that she might liked me as picture
-I want to see the back-part of her body, particularly: ass to react once more within as self-dishonesty.

About men - there is no outstanding issue - but sometimes - way less than all the case - when about an exceptionally muscular guy walks by - it's like I am a tiny boy again and try to act as a grownup, a hard, serious, physically powerful 'warrior' or 'hunter'.

This is based on physical measure - as they are bigger than me - I've defined them more powerful because the more muscle, the more power the should have by my look according to their image.

This was because I was always thin, I was always white-skinned and girls obviously like boys with muscles, and I felt inferior and balanced it with justifications of 'I am very smart, very fast, I have strong stamina'.

Geez, maan, so many personalities can pop up only by I walk on the fucking street!

Sometimes this child come up what wants to touch all the bars of the fence or when I carefully and barely hit the traffic sign poles to get the specific sound of these and as I walk through, after some meters I can still hear the overtone.

Also I have the tendency to focus on my feet, to feel my feet, to feel how I use the muscles, how I bend the thigh, how the fingers on my feet bend as I hold the weight of my body etc...

Also I like to stare the endless point at the center - as I walk into the unknown undefined, I just walk, I breathe, I release my 'lock on' on the visual and I just 'allow to watch the visuals flow like in a movie' while I walk determined by not focusing anything but on I walk infinity.
And then the temptations come, distractions, for instance somebody walks by, does not matter what type who - I have the tendency to stop this 'infinity focus stare' and look a fast into her/his eye or simply just look down while I pass by this specific one.

And then if I see reaction I can ask -why did I behave like that?

Why I can not just walk and breathe without flying away? What is required to remain here? More details? More focus? More presence? More danger or more anxiety or even more entertainment?

Recently - about 1-2 years - my walk changed - when I walk - I do not like to be disturbed by mind - I walk, I enjoy walk - otherwise what comes up while I walk is my unifinished business with some sort of self-accepted self-dishonesty .
But when I walk more than a minute - I notice thoughts - patterns come up - about 3-4 reoccuring topics, mostly about my things what I have to do and judgments about them, mostly because I am in late with several 'projects'.

Another topic is about how do I change when I am at party for instance on dancefloor with 1000 other.

Also it's different when I am in different type of mass of people for instance at subway station.

However there are common features how I experience 'many people' around me...
How I defined this before: It's like a shield wherein I can be myself, wherein there are so much people that it is not matter if I would not be myself, others might not notice it.

Obviously these are extreme polarities but I want them to be written and then self forgiveness I can write about it to be aware and then stop being a fucking robot while I walk around.

Self forgiveness will come shortly.

Lélegeztesd az egód

Ezt értsd meg: én lélegzek, ÉN, az ÉN, az egó lélegzik - befogod, befogod a pofáját, mint gondolatok, érzések, romantika, befogod lélegezni, az egó lélegzik, csak arra való, kilégzés, jelenlét, belégzés - bármi mozdulat, energia, gondolat, vágy, félelem - csíra - az egó már nem lélegzik - kibaszottul átkúrja a fejed éppen, csak olyan lassú vagy, még nem látod.

Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem vagyok elég jó a partneremnek.
Megbocsátom maganmnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy nem jó velem a szex a partneremnek.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy úgy definiáltam magam, hogy félős.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy úgy definiáltam magam, hogy társcentrikus.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy elveszítsem a fejemet bármilyen körülmény esetén.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy ha elveszítem a fejemet, képtelen vagyok többé figyelembe venni mindenki érdekét, azt tenni, ami mindenkinek hasznos.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy attól féljek, hogy a párom nem akar engem igazán.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy elfogadtam és megengedtem magamnak, hogy féljek attól, hogy a kapcsolat túl intenzív nekem.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy nem realizáltam, hogy ha nem akarok a kapcsolatban lenni, akkor saját magam egy olyan arcával nem akarok szembenézni, ahol tudom, hogy sunnyogok és úgy is akarok maradni.
Megbocsátom magamnak, hogy kifogásként használjam a szüleim és a családi körülményem arra, ahogyan éppen viselkedem, ahelyett, hogy realizálnám, hogy csakis saját magamat okolhatom mindazért, aki éppen és ahogyan vagyok.

Trust issues

Trust.

With my partner, we realized that we must agree on words - words what we agree to live by and live as.
We agreed on some words to live by and as - but there are still areas what we not even touched yet we express.

For instance we decided to support ourselves by self-honesty, consistency, stability in which I found we are not real.

What I found very supportive as well is that we agreed on not participating sexually with others unless we would agree on different.
It's like a contract - we sign with self-honesty words what we decide to live as one as equal.

I had the tendency to wander about other women too but in fact I found this confusing not only for myself but for my partner. Still sometimes I do not realize that I do speak or act things as flirting - not really intentionally but it's like directly manifested unconsciously - we agreed on this - yet sometimes I fly away - when I am not here as Breathing Self Presence. Then I am compromised by influences of the mind as I've designed myself.

My partner, told me that she does not really trust me within this because she found that men are opportunists who bend according to situations. I told her that I am really pushing myself to earn this trust as I decided to not play boy with women. At one event something occured with an other girl some months ago and when I told my partner this, in fact she told me that she did very similar with her ex-boyfriend almost at the same time. Then when I told her what happened, she was really furious with me and after some minutes she told the story what she did and then it was quite an equal and we discussed this and we both agreed on not to do so and since then I do not give into such opportunities for compromise myself with situations wherein I could literally give into these kind of temptations. Because we agreed on this and I find very important to do so.

Many times I found people untrustworthy. In fact I always had the issue to trust within others while I was unable to trust myself at situations. But for instance what I do prefer to myself - about that I always trusted myself almost unconditionally. When I faced with alcohol or drugs - at one point I always realized - this is not really good for my body - and I trust my body. That was the first level of my trust. When I feel the pain within the body - I trust in that it is manifested physical pain and it is not cool, I must act in order to stop this physical pain.

When I do say that I prefer not to eat raw onion - I trust my preference. That one I could question already as it is not directly physical - it is the taste of it what I perceive or define as not cool and I act according to that.

Within my process I realized there are situations when I can not trust within my eyes - for instance when seeing shiny and fancy and huge advertisements - or when I was tripping the hell out of me by drugs - I've seen things what I saw but in fact later on I found out that these were not real. What I physically feel, touch is real, within that I can give trust that it is as I experience - however if I bring up any memories, definitions, connotations, associations, feelings, thoughts or any inner reaction according to the physical feel of touch - then I already stepped beyond reality and walking within Mind Realm wherein anything is possible regardless of what is real here.
I also noticed that multiple people has multiple level of multiple trusts.

Myself also, at workplace I trust in my boss about my job, about the project, about the information what he shares - by working with him more than 2 years - I walked with him through lot of shit(problems, solutions) and I trust him in that - however about personal life and personal point of views - I am not sure I could trust in him.

Sometimes people do say to me that I am too naive - mostly about the so called 'friends' who sometimes come and for instance ask some money from me with the promise that soon they will pay it back - and in fact never - I was like if he says so - I mean it's like hollywood shit - I see the close-up of his face with all of the details and he is saying the words "I will give it back next week" - and it is in a way so promising like when I see the movie in the cinema with the actor who says: -"I am going to kill them." - and then he does so.

So it's like I imagine myself within a movie wherein the actors are honest at least - the actors who I am surrounded with - at least they should do as they say so - and if not - then by watching the movie - after some occasions - one can say - this person can not be trusted by his/her words.

At least for me it is like if I give money to someone BECAUSE he said he will give it back - because it's obviously seen within 'my movie' that I am not peeing that fucking money from thin air - I do work for it with "my all precious" time. So. I had to realize I must change within that because I have this trust issue.

When a friend asks for money and then I do not get back that money - I should consider that this particular person is untrustworthy. At least from my point of view. At least from the point of this money borrowing thingy. What I found that with multiple guys - we were in quite open communication relationship, so called friends, but after this money thing went through and I did not see back the money - (it was never HUGE amount, more likely about 20-100 Euros mostly) then after a while we stopped all contact.
Some even came back after about a year and asked again, but most of them 'just somehow' never saw me again.
Also there was one guy, who felt so bad about it that he could not give money to me that he was unable to face me and when after about a year we met - he was just saying that 'I want to give it back, I am just selling some instruments, very soon hopefully I wil be able to pay' - and I told him I do not care about that amount anymore, it's gone, whatever, what about you, how are you? And then he asked my phone number and then I stepped off the tram and I never heard from him.
I trusted him that he could do - but in fact by this trust I lost thousands - what I do not regret - but I must adjust my attitude to this because I am currently focusing on financially stabilize myself and each point is equally important within the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2.


Also I found that the trust is like the word truth - different for everyone.

Another aspect for instance:
There was a summer when I was with friends about 5-6 years ago when we did basking and juggling on street in Spain - we did smoke a lot and at one point we agreed on not trust in each other - it was not really problem - it was almost like a happy fun to realize that we are so stoned and disoriented and confused and lazy that even when one said 'I've checked the doors of the car, it's locked' - it was not sure because we were untrustworthy.
Even at a point I remember I said: 'I do not even trust myself about these kind of points'.
Yet we had to exist within a so called 'team' - wherein people had activities to do for instance one guy made the juggling stick and one was the driver of the car and I was the one who played with the stuff on street or playing music instruments to demonstrate how great fun is this or attract people with the music for one may buy it and the fourth guy was the one who took the money from the buyers and gave the stuff for them. But of course the roles werent that strict - in a way when we realized we are so fucked up, I started to be more conscious about points what are important because we must be able to exist efficiently otherwise we would end up not selling stuff and not having money.
What I did about points what I've defined as important - for instance to close the door of the car when we sit in to start to go somewhere - then I checked it multiple times regardless of remembering that I did check it or not.
Because at one event we started the car while the door was open - and the policemen stopped the car and said "it's open, you should close it" - and then we did so and started the car again and then an other door of the car was still open and I realized how much we are fucked within our expression.

But in that time somehow we even defined that as 'cool' because the only thing what we cared about is that we push the drug into our head and then we fly around things while our desires(fabricate,sell juggling sticks) must be manifested.
In that time I was not aware of that Trust must be built and earned.


Or an other story:
Recently my partner was in a camp wherein one guy approached her for how about kissing - and then she told the guy that I am with Tala now(the guy knows me), and we agreed on that we do not do these things behind each other - and the guy asked her one more time with reasoning "come on, he will not know it".

Also then when he realized she wont kiss - he told her that he also agreed with a girl who he does sexual things with, that they will not do sex with others without the other knowing - but he sometimes does so as it is referred as 'cheating'.
My partner told him that he should re-discuss with her about this sex thing with his partner and discuss on what both agree to do.

Fascinating. Not personally I am wondering about this guy regardless of he knows me or not - but how human nature operates generally - by using the excuse that 'the other will not know it'.

In fact for me it is more likely an issue of myself first. I must exist with that I did not do what I agreed on with somebody to do. Then, in fact broke my agreement with her while I will imitate that I did not.
But when the other will realize that I did not do according to what we agreed upon, then what will happen?

The city wherein I live as I face with people I noticed that they do not live by principle and agreement- as I did not live by principle before DESTENI as well.

Recently I met with some teenagers, it seems to be that they did not yet develop a stable 'experience' of self - more likely they are faced with expressions from outside and they simply react according to cultural, family and media-influences based on they momentary perception of what is good for them.

Within that starting point humans tend to act based on self-interest - how they are interested on doing things what makes everything great but only for themselves.

A point what I integrate into my momentary decisions is that if I am able to question myself before my action then I ask myself: 'What is best for all?'

By that question I am able to locate myself who I really am - who I am within this current existence.
Because by compromising what is best for all - in fact I am compromising myself.

This is the question of Self-honesty. Am I able to see within myself that my intentions are based on the principle of what is best for all?
Because firstly to realize what is best for all - is to release preconceptions about what is good for me - and by realizing how I became who I am - and why I became who I became - I will be able to start to learn myself. And by learning who I am - I realize - I can change myself.
If I do see this point within Common Sense - then I consider my current location. My current state and my current abilities and investigate what is the current state of the system - and what I can do for what is best for all.

By starting to explore Self here - I realized that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within delusions - self-definitions what are in fact not real, definitions, memories what I repeat to express physically based on fears, desires what are of my self-interest.

So by common sense - what is best for all - is that I do not trust to delusions.

The HERE within this equation is that I am here - my delusions I still accept - then I start working on this.
I start working to reveal, write, forgive and release and breath trough my delusions.

About delusions I must pronounce that thoughts, feelings, emotions are of delusions - if I act according to these - I am of delusions. Yes, I am aware of that these words have weight - and all of the humanity are currently existing by and as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Where I live, people mostly have no intent to stop exist as expressed thoughts, feelings, emotions.

People are conscious about they are imperfect - yet everyone has personally developed excuse and justification about why they do not stand up to their Self-dishonesty as one as equal as Self Here.

Why I write about this? Because it is a great reflection point for me - that "Do I judge people because I do not trust them?" - if so - then why I am in fact projecting issues towards them - instead of acting and not accepting what is not best for all.

My location is that I have developed quite a manifested Mind what I am currently existing within and as.
To investigate my delusions - I must apply some precedences as starting point for instance Oneness and Equality.
As principle - I am always existing within and as Oneness and Equality. This is not a subject for argument.
I am always equal what I accept and allow - as I am one with and as who I am - and by this principle - I can start investigating myself as who I am within what I accept and allow here on earth.
This is where the Physical I enjoy - I express myself as physical - there were some time when I preferred not physical but in fact if I consider what is real, what is here - the physical what I align myself to and as.

So the trust issue is what one must directly face and redefine trust. By redefining trust I redefine the relationship with myself and my reality. I trust myself unconditionally.

Actions to do :

-I must not allow to borrow people because of their (or my backchat) manipulation by that 'I am good person'.
-I must not allow myself to compromise my standing by trusting within something what I did not clarify.
-I must not allow myself to work with the act of 'trust' based on hope.
-I must live by what I agreed upon with my partner, not only because of me or of her but as ourselves as principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my delusions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value through trust into people, things separated from me instead of realizing that I am here, I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up hope and trust - instead of realizing that if I hope that my trust worth then my trust is not worthy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I must build self trust by acts simply by speaking what I do and doing what I speak one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in friends unconditionally just because of the self-definition of 'friends trust each other' instead of realizing that by definition noone can be trusted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within scriptures and books instead of all ways trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here as breath as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as past instead of realizing that the past is not real, only existing as a reflection within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting within something or somebody because of that I might get disappointed when the trust was not worthy.

I trust myself here. I trust myself as physical here. I am trust.

Self forgiveness: fear from expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from expressing myself who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face the consequences what I caused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to avoid to face the consequences what I caused with my deeds and words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self honesty by defining myself according to situations for instance talking with someone who raised her/his voice.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am raising my voice with emotion then I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from telling people how I see them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing people around me because I do tell them how I see them within dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sleep at least 5-6 hours a day because of fearing that I do not have enough time and sleeping enough is waste of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my human physical body as a machine, as a vessel what I can use for my purposes instead of realizing that I am one and equal with and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself separated from my human physical body as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from stopping perceiving myself as separated from my human physical body and the whole physical existence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by defining myself who I really am as separated from physical existence in fact I am separating who I am from myself by definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in thoughts and feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotional when I face with emotions about death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to emotions or according to feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being emotional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am suppressing emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to suppressing emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by suppressing emotions I still of emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do suppress emotions - I am reacting the same way as the other people who get emotional but I do push it down into me deeply to not face it as myself what I have allowed myself to react.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have built a self-definition about who I am and within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions - I am referring to this defined-self and participating within reality by and of and as this self-definition personality system instead of realizing who and what I am expressing as Physical and working direct physical with and as myself to release self dishonesties in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there are no 'entertainment' times - there are no 'skips' or 'breaks' from process as all moment as me are equal as all dishonesties as the only preference what I take is of self-definitions according to my delusions about 'importance', referring to some points as 'very important' to 'not important' for instance to be self-honest with my partner is very important but to absolutely self-honest at my workplace is less important, what is bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not expressing myself by judging my expression within the starting point of 'not good enough' instead of realizing that physical expression must be developed what is through consistent expression through time but if I do not express - I will not be able to change and then I will remain judging of what I do not express instead of express and express and trust self unconditionally all ways here.

[EMS]From Multinational corporation lobbied EU POLITICS to an Equal Money System

[EMS]From Multinational corporation lobbied EU POLITICS to an Equal Money System

I found two articles in a Hungarian newspaper while I was waiting for the doctor so I started to translate it to show up the surrealism of corporate interest because of money.

Recently Multinational corporations were mentioned within EU parliament about they deliver products with less quality. There is no obligation for the corporations to sell the same products in Europe with the same brand name - stated out Frèderic Vincent, as spokesman of John Dalli, who is responsible for health care and consumerism politics.

He stated out that while corporations keep the regarding rules of labelling and security , then the same branded can be sold with different ingredients with diffrerent prices.
Until they come with rational reasons, for instance adjustment of the food because of the regional taste based on market research - consumer-defender lawyers can not do much as the law is protecting the big dominant multinational corporations. If the cheaper production and income-maximization is the goal then that is questionable only ethically. Consumers what can do is not buying the product.
............
The Bulgarian agriculture minister, Miroslav Najdenov stated out that it is "abnormal" that this dual measurement is in the EU for the food products.

Najdenov has been requested to lower his temperament and stop the fighting by Nyikolaj Mladenov, the Bulgarian minister of public affairs, in the fear of lobbies of multinational corporations would oppose these attacks.

The two articles were like this in Hungarian and the message is obvious: money.
Even the EU parliament do nothing when abuse is in move, because the power what they have can influence or influence whole countries. The law is like the history, written by blood - and the blood is money.
We must understand that each and every single coin is of this blood, within the current monetary system is each currency flows throughout the whole system wherein groups of power has been formed what direct the current of physical manifestation of the Human System.
It is more than obvious that these groups do not represent interest for What is Best for All. The survival-ism and biological reasoning for the capitalism to exist and constantly expand within the mesmerizing shining of consumerism for the profit is absolutely not sustainable. The price what people pay for all of this shit is being payed by those who have no monetary power to protect themselves from the direct life-opposing behavior of the current money system.
The elite is breeding their own so called premium quality food for instance in private lakes with "bio"-fish because they know that the chemicals what the regular fish contain is getting more and more toxic from all the shit what the water is getting contaminated by in the name of profit and greed - and if specific companies are being questioned - their lawyer says - that is legal by the law, sorry. Even they can say for the consumers that's why the product is so f***in cheap because they spare the expenses of taking care of their shit or the research of producing within a greater perspective.
The so called average people as individuals can not oppose these multinational banks, corporations because the law, the money what they own protect their interest of greed.

What we can do, each and every single human being is that accumulate impact and directive power within the practical understanding of simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2. We can form a group wherein we take responsibility for all and find practical solutions wherein we can make sure that the way of life as we express do not exclude the ones who are lack of money because this is unacceptable.

We must form a group wherein we support our neighbor as ourselves at least on the physical level - we must re-align the meaning and value of money based on LIFE.

We must form this group wherein we can make sure we stand shoulder by shoulder as Equals, realigned within the physical with the principle of What is Best For all.

Walking as Equals based on PRINCIPLE - we can create a new paradigm within the current financial system and accumulate power by the simple realization that Life is who we really are and practically create a new system wherein we make sure that we do not accept harm against life.

That's why we propose Equal Money System - a new system within the current money system - it is possible - I've seen communities wherein they make their own money to protect themselves as a group from the 'Global Human Money System' to try to create something like equality already but there was not this principle agreed equally - there must be an education and self-development and the practical understanding of the mathematical equation to make sure that we do not allow ourselves to deceive anymore. Each and every single member of the group must take full responsibility for the group and for the individuals equally: All as One as Equal as the Group as Life must be Lived and in order to that we must change ourselves within from the starting point and that's why we urge every one to start BLOGging, VLOGging, to share self-realizations, to share self-dishonesties to develop Self-honesty and do this within consistency - because one must stand first to be considered as the part of the group - because otherwise the individuals who can not walk as Equals are in fact danger for the group. That's why this starts with Desteni education, it starts with Locating ourselves within the current system to not run away but ground ourselves within the current abusing system and re-align ourselves as principle as All Life and start releasing ideas of excuses and justifications of why do we not change because in fact each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of this earth.

Desteniiprocess is a course where one can FACE SELF and realize what has accepted and allowed as individual within the system of the system and by applying the tools one can realize the gravity of the situation wherein we are as humanity what requires a new generation, a new leadership who are standing by and as the principle of Life moment by moment, day by day, year by year and by that they first must EARN TRUST within the group. And for and as SELF - one must accumulate SELF-TRUST as LIFE.

When I found Desteni for instance, I was full of deception - great intentions for saving the world but much confusion I was pushed down by and Self-dis-empowerment by the hopes, fears, delusions - I was unable to accumulate power even for supporting myself only financially - but as I started to write, as I started to comprehend what Self-honesty means, how to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within - I realized - I can accumulate Self-will, Self-honesty, Self-intimacy and develop an ability what with I can directly see within the moment what is self-dishonesty/self-deception and how to practically letting it go because my ego is participating within maintaining a system based on Self-interest and that is my responsibility to STOP and explore practical solutions to find a way to be able to expand our directive power to stop poverty, to stop hatred, war, genocide, abuse against nature, our nature.

My intent was to change the world, to make it better as I do not like it if I look into myself - I see that the abuse for the people is for me as well - I can not separate myself from the world, from other beings really - only I can make myself busy with chasing entertainment, desires for moment by paying it with $$$ - but I found that I can not participate within any currently existing '-ism' because they are of consciousness systems, they are infected by the idea of separation(spiritualism, buddhism etc). By walking Desteniiprocess - if one is facing self without excuses and releasing the trust within the mind as thoughts, feelings emotions: - I can guarantee that by simple common sense - anyone can realize the deception within any spiritual or religious or any other 'way'. And what we call emotions, feelings, systems of thought reactions - are not Life - are programmed expressions and they come and go and we are in the middle of it and we can not be even for a hour the same person but of this Mind Conscious System personality matrix manifestations what is the real schizophrenia - when we do listen the silent voices within our head, when we are directed according to chase or avoid energetic experiences within our body for instance the feeling of love or joy - and in fact this so called love is just one more arrogant attempt to dominate our direct reality around us to get what we want based on the fears what we are growned up by and as. This is unacceptable. Once the veil is dropped, once the red pill of self-honesty is realized - it's like there is no turning back but Push Self to Perfect ourselves wherein we can create a perfect system wherein each can be equally supported.

If one can walk the Desteniiprocess - one can realize why Equal Money System - and start to accumulate directive power to stand within and as the group and develop practical skills what is required within the current money system to change it from within as ourselves.

So I suggest, check out Equal Money System - anyone can be part of it, it is still forming and measuring and reaching people and it is not a valid excuse that this never worked before because how we can be so sure unless we try? It's like my neighbor is raping his child and I do see it every day and I do not go there and stand up and at least to try to say that 'STOP' because of the fear of WHAT? - we must push ourselves beyond our currently perceived limitations and STAND UP FOR AND AS LIFE unconditionally.

One more point:

I've searched for Najdenov, I've found a sentence here what I only quote from here.

"Regarding your second question, this is one of the proposals which we made and sent to Parliament and the Council on the reform of the CAP - for greater justice and equality, which does not mean mathematical equality, because there are differences among the member states. But we cannot continue applying various principles to the old and the new member states"

Fascinating.

Okay - so from EU politics to Equality - I vote for an Equal Money System wherein each can have the basic requirement for living such as food, shelter, health care, proper education(not as the government does currently).

Important to realize: I Walk, I push, I direct, I stop, I forgive, I change, I express

This is very important to realize every fucking single human - that this we must understand - that even after years of participation within Process - there is nothing what will go by itself - if I do not push as the full of myself - as the DIRECTION, the WILL as SELF HERE - to change and STOP all Self-deceptions without even considering 'that' is 'that' - I as Consciousness will not give up simply by forces.

Forces I mean forces from outside - from my partner, from desteni members, from Farm members from Bernard from the Portal or a screaming racoon - there is nobody else than myself I must align with and AS the Living Principle and PUSH and act.

Because it is obvious that I want to stop, I want to change - if anyone could ask me at any time - this would be the answer.

Because I already got it - but to realize - means to PHYSICALLY EXPRESS the STOP, the CHANGE.

And the 1+1=2 simple mathematical equation is the most difficult thing what one must understand for this - no more complicated thing is required. It's that simple.

I've decided to check Desteni out, because I was not satisfied with myself, with the world, I was looking for an answer.

Then as I started to study Desteni - I've realized that the tools are here and I can start to apply for myself. Then I've decided to give a try, to start writing about my past, to start writing Self-forgiveness, to start writing Self-Corrective Statements about what Change I WILL myself to become here within and as the Physical.

For instance about my previous post - my dishonesty regarding to women - I was who realized that when Bernard told me that 'Tala, get a girl' - was simply a suggestion to support - what I can do or not do.
And I decided to do. And then I approached girls without consideration, and then it did not work. Then I started to decide to re-align myself and learn from my perceived mistake. And then I pushed myself again and years passed and I am still here and pushing myself and this time this girl gets something from the Agreement and One and Equal princpiple and assisting me to see what I've programmed myself to unable to see. Then what she is saying - I can say that 'it's bullshit', 'so fucking what?' - and it happened at first time and at the second time and at the fucking third time - but as she is keep saying it - I check my reactions - there are the same reactions when she is saying it - so then I see - is this really true? Is my self-definition is so strong that I define myself as 'X' and in fact in and as the physical I act as 'Y'?

Then if I am unable to see - if I am unable to experience myself how I act - and why - then I write. I write and then I write it until everything about this point is here at front of me - until inside is empty - and when I write everything down here as myself - then I am able to see - while I write it down I allow myself to open to realize what I am participating within, what I am still responsible for - and in fact what I still allow as self-dishonesty.
And then it is obvious that this I must stop.

It is in fact irrelevant of what points come up - if the point is to want to hug camels at midnight at the Antarctica - then that is the point what I am possessed into and as - and that point I investigate, face, forgive that I've accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with and simply STOP.

When I realize - I am here - I do not need to choose - I do not need to decide where to go - I simply realize that I am here as the physical location and as the moment as breath as the birthing myself as Life - then anything comes up - into me I see - is this really life? Is this in fact supporting all equally? Is this who I can stand as Infinity within absolute constancy and consistency?
And if not - then I realize - the Self-dishonesty is here and I am here - and I check what is the self-definition through I separate myself from the point - from my existence as reality - and why I still participate within such thing.

The point comes up - HERE - I do not 'go' after the point - I am simply Here and I simply see the point within myself coming up HERE - so then I deal with it - and I investigate, I forgive, I push and I script myself up within writing, within Self-Corrective statements to STOP the point as myself undefined.

Then I am HERE again - and then the next point is here so then I deal with that point as myself and all points - within me - I embrace, I stop, I re-align myself with and as HERE and I simply act within the principle of 'What is best for all?' by considering my current location, by considering my current understanding of how things I see and experience.

Then I push - and if I do judge the point - if I do judge myself regarding to the point - I fall into the twisted trap of my own self-created dishonesty because my judgment is based on a previous judgment within myself what is in fact based on fear - what if I could 'clearly' investigate - I would realize that: that point is Self-dishonesty, that point is of Self-deception.
So then I let go of that definition.
I write Self-forgiveness. I voice Self-forgiveness as the words. Word by word I resonate as the Sound Expression as Words what I release - what I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

And I say Self-forgiveness aloud, I express Self-forgiveness in every way possible - to make sure that within my reality - I do not let 'backdoor' wherein I can 'fall' back into the participation of Self-dishonesty. So I make sure that I do not compromise my Self-will by default. Because then I will manifest timeloop within what I might give possibility, I might give hope - what with I can not stand as Infinity. Otherwise I might participate within the specific current Self-dishonesty - and then I would manifest it and then I would realize it again and I would recognise that in fact I wanted this to stop and I did not stop - then I clearly see that my Self-forgiveness was not effective. Then I have no chance - I must start it again.

This application - if one makes the decision - in a way is like a skill - what one can develop by only Walking the process.
Self-honesty can not be given - and can not be taken away - this is where Real Self can start to birth by and as Self. Within and as the Physical.

This is the act of Creation as humans refer as 'God'.

Applying Self-forgiveness if applied within the Physical - is the Living God as Self as Life as the Physical.

Each one must understand that - by understanding the accumulation of 1+1=2 - I push and then I push and then I direct and then I state and then I Express, I Realize, I share, I forgive, I change, I re-align, I Move, I Direct, I Walk - and the accumulation - if the Starting point is One and Equal with and as Self Here - then there is nowhere to fall - because the perception of 'falling' - is simply Facing Self Here.

Then Self Facing Self Here as the Unification of man as I am.
And if each and every single human being is standing within this Constant, Stable Physical Realization - then in fact - the Unification of Man is Here.

Exposed: My story about women: Desires, Fears, Self-dishonesties what I STOP

My partner started to reflect back how I behave especially with women.
I write about the points what so far we've been facing.
She told me that my attitude is that I try to use each and every single opportunity to please and touch and influence women to create sexual context.
My point of view is that this is ridiculously exaggerated - and at first times she started to share with me how she experiences this - I was rejective, I reacted with neglect and even with verbal aggression.

After a few times we played this out - as somehow some specific woman tend to prefer to spend time with me wherein sharing some intimate experiences, point of views, opinions, memories etc - and indeed I've discovered some self-dishonesty points within my application. I will mark some points with a (!) what obviously I see as a point of self-compromise based on memory/fear.

My partner, S. also told me that I still can not release my first girlfriend('wife') in mind, who with I was with about almost 7-8 years ago(at least on paper we married and after about 4 years spent together - we split and divorced).
As we ended that relationship - we had issues with each other but after a while - and after 2007 as I've started Self-forgiveness, I've faced her and we met regularly until I was not satisfied with my inner reactions towards her(!).

So she me that with my first girlfriend I am still attached to and the proof is that when recently she just came back from abroad, I met with her quite soon.

So - I will write about my experiences and memories regarding to women as well and how I deceived myself with this point - how I behave with women and when and how and why I do compromise my consistence within remaining Self-honest by desires and fears.

Sometimes within this document - I write about points not directly related to 'women' - about for instance drugs, spirituality - these will make the 'story' longer but I will still remain within this 'context'.

After hearing of I am obsessed with women - the first Self-definition point what I see within me is the following:
Before I came together with my first 'real' relationship('girlfriend', 'wife', we lived together) - she rejected me for almost a year - and I did cry a LOT when my approach to come together with her obviously failed - the cry occured last time - and in that point I felt so much hurt within myself - because all my starting point was of her - and I threw away everything else as starting point and when she said that she does not neeed me - I was nothing, I was of zero, I was walking dead. And within that cry I've decided not to suffer from women anymore. Literally, it was a principle what I clearly wanted to lay down within my existence that 'because of women, I will not suffer again' - that was the last time when I did cry, about in 1999-2000. Crying as for instance mostly women and children do(! lolol) with great ease - somehow that is off.
Then she went to the US for a time and I went into depression. I started to drink heavily, punkrock concerts, stagediving, self-destruction, touching alcoholism(when reached the point of after 2-3 bottles of wine I still felt 'sober' - I've changed to short drinks for instance gin, some bitter shorts etc). Okay this was a process to reach this point but meanwhile there was an other event - what I already wrote in a blog post in about 2007 - when I was extremely sick and I had almost 42c fever for days and I almost died and I had an experience of out of body while perceiving my body and others being busy to bring down my body temperature in order to not letting me fade away. So there was this girl who was nestling me literally unconditionally, like mother or sister, Erika, she really assisted me without a blink. After deciding to remain in this world, I became better and I started to release my depression because of my unresponsed love.

Meanwhile still walking down on the hill of alcoholism, I was with a young girl who I knew from MUD(telnet-based text-multi-player roleplay game) and we married in the game then we met and we did drink alcohol and then we did sex.
I was so enthusiastic about here is a real girl who I can do sex with - I remember at the kitchen of the dormitory I was trying to lick her pussy but somehow the taste of her body was so intense, so 'raw' - that I almost did vomit - but by the strong want to have sex, I could overcome even the smell of her body what I never really liked. Not that she was stinky, but somehow that was I guess, not my 'taste' - yet mentally I was able to override this within me, so we came together. But she was 17, virgin, sometimes literally hysteric, so it was not really 'boring'. After a while we learnt how to do sex, we did it in secret from her family, but honestly - the sex thing was what pulled me into this - and yes, the other point was she adored me.

We agreed on that if one of us would not 'love' the other anymore, then we must end our relationship. But as 'love' as I 'had' that who I did cry for before - I never had - in fact I never wanted again, so it was ok, but in a way I never really 'loved' her. She was in some sort of religious high-school from me about 200 Km, she was in this black metal, black clothes thing while she hated religion and priests - and I found myself in 'distance-relationship' - we met about 2-3 days in 2 weeks for about 8 months. At the end I guess I got bored and I started to enjoy that her older sister started to show up her interest to me and my girlfriend had these jealousy frenzies what we enjoyed with her sister - but nothing happened.
In one day, I told to my girlfriend that I do not love her anymore, we should end it right now - then she was crying for long hours and I did regret that I said that, even I could be with her again if I could undo that - but there was no way back.

After that, my big love who I cried for the last time came back from US and told me that she realized, she wants me, and I was really surprised and we came together. I did not believe in her for months, I was waiting for the moment in fear when she would say that this was just an other psychological test(her 'profession'). But she wanted me so much, so it was then officially a relationship.
In a way that's why I do not take any of my 'interest' within woman seriously unless it's constant for months.(!)

So, when I was in this relationship some years ago - with my first 'love' - I never could imagine other woman with me than her - in that time I never 'felt', I never wanted to 'have' other women - however I've spent quite time with other girls at the University - many times I did drink with them, even sometimes we slept in the same bed - but I never consciously thought even the possibility to 'cheat' my partner in that time - about in 2000. I was even proud of that, that I am 'straight' in that and I liked myself for that - After about two years - there was one specific girl, who I mentioned that assisted me when I was sick, Erica - who was always very kind with me and in fact that my 'girlfriend' reacted towards her with extreme jealousy - because somehow I always referred to her as my beloved sister and my girlfried hated that - but with Erika nothing has happened really except I had this unconscious attraction towards her what I never felt to need physically experience - I really felt like she was my second 'sister'.

There were issues when she was also pulled into situations of sexual temptations - and I was jealous like hell - and with alcohol - I was really fucked up in that time - one day I remember I was literally heading the brick wall really strong to get rid of the extreme mental and emotional pain of jealousy. And it was clear that my girlfriend liked me to manipulate me with the point of other men, for instance with the ones with big muscles - as I am a thin guy - and I was enormously frustrated and developed a resonant jealousy and hate within me towards men with muscles - what years later I could release only.
My roommates from the dorm never really liked my girlfriend as they always said that she was fucking my brain but I always told them 'you never could understand this'. She was not evil, she was just screwed up by definition coming from a deeply religious family wherein she was the 'black-sheep' within the family because she did not live literally like a nun.

Many scars we gathered together what we never could directly face or discuss, not even stop - in a way, I perceived that like somehow 'I am living faster than the people around me' - I was living with my girlfriend in an apartment and I felt like I am married since 30 years - and it was really heavy. She really assisted me in a way - financially, phychologically etc... I remember before we met - I barely could speak with women - I was afraid to even look into the eye of a woman without having my face being red - and I could not directly speak. That's why alcohol she gave me to be able to speak with me. I could write a full-blown book only about that 4 years of university, but here I bring up one more important point and then I will focus onto the 'women and relationship' again:
One day she gave me a book "A rainbow of consciousness" by Feldmár Andrew.
It was about rebirth, how we are fucked by our parents, family and how with LSD, DMT we could re-experience the moment of innocence and emptyness and by pushing ourselves through birthing again - we can start over. Or at least for me this was the message and I've read that book 3 times. But in that time I never considered drugs. But that was one point what took me and my mind absorbed it without much notice. Within my relationship we did less sex already, we built up a distance between us, I did not liked that there were places within 'her life' where she never allowed me to go - for instance her drawer she hated when I even opened that and I felt like I am abused by being with her but not sharing everything unconditionally. Of course I did not need her panties, but it was a symbol - and then I screwed with her simply opening her drawer and poking her stuff and singing 'lalalalalalala' while enjoying her screaming like hell. We knew that we screwed up our 'big love' but we could not help, we wanted to end yet we did not wanted to end.

After some years, when I've finished university - I've moved to Budapest and in that time I've started to 'experiment' the so called psyhedelic drugs. For that time our relationship was already in severe trouble as we did not live together anymore(she remained in Debrecen city for a year more to finish University) and we did not speak frankly+directly and we allowed our feelings and emotions to direct us, so the end was in a way inevitable. However we married on paper for her 'green card' - and we lived together at several places. But it did not work really so we finally split.

After that - I did not even wonder about women for a while because I built up an other relationship with LSD, with mushroom, with hash etc... In a way, the stuffs blew my mind but somehow I persuaded myself that it's like with computers - I am directing, and there is absent of this social context wherein I was always lost since childhood.
With my girlfriend, our relationship was not ended in 'harmony' - we always had argues and as I remember now - I already started to watch and wonder about other women - but still never could imagine to physically express this. I've started to suppress these 'feelings' in about 2002-2003. So then we 'officially' ended our relationship and I was living alone.

After a while - I've realized that I am alone - I do not have girlfriend - so I started to define myself as 'alone' - not only as 'lonely as myself' but as 'open for women'.
However his openness excluded even the possibility for a new 'relationship' with another girl - as I made myself obviously clear about what we did with my girlfriend - was not really 'healthy' from the perspective of self-development for the long term. So I've judged relationship according to our 'just finished' relationship. Fuckedupness, pink bubble, selfishness, ego-playout, dependency, habit, hideout, pretending, self-doubt, fear are the words what come up from that point.

After that there were phases when I stopped pushing the acid like hell(mostly when literally touching the constant experiences of schizophrenia of endless mental dimensions and facing direct physical rudeness of my existence)- and in a degree in these time frames - my 'normally operating' mind melted together for being able to state out - I need woman.

So then I was able to see that I am missing woman, especially by suppressed sexual desire.
For a while I met with girls through Internet-dating sites. That was very hectic. Mostly I went to meet violently stoned, smoking one-three giant sips from the bong and then I've experienced extreme resistance to go out to the street and go into the mass transit, the subway - many times I've literally fell apart within and in a way, from some unnamed perversion, I liked this - to literally walking through this resistance step by step what came so intensely that I had to push myself physically to finally meet with 'the' girl.
In fact nothing really happened in these occasions - about 5-10 times I did this - except that the most direct ones told me that I am crazy at the utmost degree - then I realized that doing this is bullshit.

I was in the middle of my 'dark ages' when I did push psychedelics as much as I could - very rarely I came across with girls who were a bit similar to me - not only the attitude - but probably about the self-dishonesties within too.
So then specific girls somehow started to be attracted towards me - and I was almost outside from me by the drugs and my strong desire to 'fly' - and when I experienced physical touch with a girl - somehow I was almost pulled into situations where I was directed by my desires and strongly influenced by girls. Not much girls, about 2-3 I can count throughout these years.

But the meaning of this was that I've found myself to be defined by myself that "I do not run after women, they should come at me if they really want something."
And I liked that - by that self-definition I did not need to wander much within myself regarding to women - I am simply as I am and if a woman wants me, then she can fish me out of the chaos. Also it was like I am the great Tala who for women come haha shit.

So I've defined myself 'alone' - in the situation wherein I do not need to focus to one girl - but I can touch more than one if I can - but I could not - as I did not do anything for that - it was an other self-definition - that I can 'play' with multiple women as I am currently not in a relationship. It was a suppressed desire.

In fact nothing really happened - at occasions, women approached me - and almost always - I rejected them but not directly - mostly simply sneaking away when I could and then they probably got it.

But most of the time - I was so fucking busy with overwhelming my brain with acid and salvia and mushroom and hash, that probably I was not the one that women strive for within the current human system.

In that time I was already playing with tibetian buddhism - okay, how I got into that: Because I practiced Aikido and the Sensei told me that I should read Buddha - so I've read many sutras from the buddhist scriptures and at one night I was very sick and I had a dream about a foggy shining form what was saying some mystic syllabes and I felt myself miracoulously I was cured. Or at least I perceived like that - what really happened I never could clarify directly. But in that time I did not use much common sense - I was absolutely driven by my childhood prorgramming through family, school, hollywoodoo movies and my fears - so by influences from outside - I was literally directed within the Matrix by my nose.

Back there I was not able to comprehend that dream - it was something very strange, mystical and intense. However I was reading through multiple dozens of new age/spiritual/zen/buddhist books and I've found definition of a buddha aspect chenresig, the compassion form of the buddhas, and it's blahblah: om mani padme hung. So then That I identified with my dream and I was very keen to define myself to be invited by this buddha form into the Tibetan buddhism. So I started to walk into that shit without a blink.

I had one-two mates who with we've pushed our mind with the hippie drugs already within great velocity, so together we approached one of the western buddhist flagship group, the Kagyu lineage of Tibetian Buddhism, with Karmapa, Lama Ole.
I do not go into the details about that - but in that time we experienced many energetic overwhelming experiences regarding to meetings and 'lectures' and 'initiations' and ceremonies, so very soon we've joined into the 'group' and started to make ourselves familiar with the practice. Before that I've practiced the Zen sitting and watching and 'allowing the mirror of the lake to become smooth by releasing the thoughts desires feelings' but somehow these always came back when I stopped the focus on the 'inner silence' - I was able to suppress these by my enormous want to get rid of my shit - but after I stood up and walked with people again - I was lost again. I needed something else. That's why I was very opened to the Tibetan shit, that's why it attracted me because it gave me hope.

So there I've met S., my current partner - but in that time we did not come together - I've wrote about that already in some of my previous blog posts in the last years - but slowly I've started to show up the pattern of 'love' regarding to her - what I previously walked through with the conclusion of 'avoidable'.

But she was different in a way than my ex-wife - from my perspective it was one level up as her intent was apparently very similar to mine, to reach the full enlightenment and buddhahood and all of this lolness agenda.

By walking with her in Asia - we did not come together - we were such great egos that we could not yield from our stubbornness.
Once we did sex and her boyfriend was very aggressive on the skype with her and I did regret what I've done to make her cheat with me - and then she felt like fell 'between two horses' - and she was really out of control, cried and approached me with bully and wanted to force me to stay with her and I could not take self-responsibility, my pink bubble of her beauty was off and I saw her as a 'normal human' and then I was not really interested in her. Yet she was still fucked up and she was sick and I just wanted to avoid her because I could not 'process' this clearly within me. We were in the middle of our Asian tour and I've forced myself to not travel with her anymore and I was with other hippies, Italians for instance in India etc. I just smoked tons at the gathering Kumbh Mela while by taking bath in the Ganga hoping that I will get rid of my karma. OMG WTF.

I've burnt myself again with the self-fuckedupness by definition according to women. So in that phase - I've again closed myself down from this part of existence.

And there were girls (almost typed 'grills' lol) who approached me, some even directly to just try out an 'one night stand' with me but I always slipped away. The intensity with I've closed myself down sexually was remarkable.

I could not handle direct communications, I could not handle when women who I am attached to not behave the way as I imagined or wanted to - then simply I was about to leave - to not even get close to face the same points wherein I've defined myself as 'fallen' already.
Also I've faced some near-death experiences, what were physical 'accidents' wherein in one moment I was able to release all my mindshit to physically act and literally save my ass from the certain death - in those moments - I was not aware of, but it happened: I released all my spiritual desires, dishonesties, and I was moving physical without any definition. However I fell again, I did smoke again, I was off money, I was alone, I was sick, I directly experienced the metal-claws of the Matrix about how it handles the ones who are off power(money, self-will). It was rude, raw, painful and extremely awakening. I came back home to lick my wounds and recover from weight-loss. I did not consider women really, I slipped down in the pyramid of maslow to the survival-ism. Who wants to fuck when death is knocking at the door?

Then at Budapest - I had Internet at the first time at my place and as I was alone - I started to watch sex movies, I mean porn. When I was a kid - I also did that - the videotapes of my grandpa I watched and made myself extremely excited when I was about 10-14.

So then on the internet - I've watched porn and masturbated for a while. I re-approached internet-dating sites and I had not much 'success' - so then I've tried out more direct sites wherein people were about to find sex partners directly.

I felt like they are the same as the 'normal-relationship-seeking-ones' but these are with less sugar-like bullshit - wanting to find a partner who with they can have sex. That was my approach as well - and who with I will enjoy sex - it maybe can expand into a 'relationship' - but mostly I was simply driven my penis. But I never did fuck on Internet-dating.
It was too raw, too alien, too much I could have to do in order to just get what I really want - to satisfy my needs - but this was not what I wanted. I wanted REAL beings, real touch, real intimacy - even when I had no idea what is that meanwhile my desires pulled into meetings with strange women - I was always sure that it(life) is not just meet with a stranger and fuck.
So when physically I've faced these girls - not that much, about a half dozen - I did not initiate sex - once with one girl we did oral play but after that I decided not to continue that.

After that I've found Desteni Videos on Youtube - that was very new paradigm, I've never met this kind of message. So I was into that for a while. And after a while - I've realized - I am fucked way beyond I even can determine from where I am - so I must walk out from my accepted self-deception. So I started Self-Forgiveness, I started writing down what I contain as Mind Consciousness System - to see what I've accepted and allowed and what I must stop inevitably within this lifetime. Because this is not who I really am.

From that point it was obvious that I am not ready for relationship, about 2007 october - I stopped consciously seeking woman for relationship.
I started to focus on Self, first to clean up the bullshit agendas - at least the most obvious ones, drugs, spiritual/buddhist/shamanist/new age things - for long months I was very busy to literally forgive and let go of myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously participating within mantras and definitions and energetic experiences of the mind as with these systems I've shielded myself from reality as excuses anyway. As once Bernard told something like that: 'when the shit falls into the ventilator: immediately everything is full of shit' - that kind of direct experience when once can realize the Process as Self. Nowhere to go - I am every Here - so I deal with the shit.
But in the beginning the decision is real only, the physical walk must be explored.

I still participated within Internet dating - not really, but sometimes the suppressed sexual desire simply was very strong and it was like a some sort of possession - and then I was looking for a woman who is more likely for me but not really found.

Then, after 1-2 years - I realized that I am still dishonest about the desire/sex/porn/suppression/fear points - so I've accumulated a decision to a point where I was able to clearly state out that I want a real, physical woman.

Somehow I still refer woman to 'girl' as it still indicates that I am resonantly still looking for woman who is behaving like a girl for instance by starting point or by feelings - because the girl is then maybe 'irresponsible' or 'can be manipulated' - great points.
So then I was trying to persuade one-two specific girls around me that Agreement is the way, come on, what are you waiting for?

The first one was really a point what I had to understand how and why I am resonantly being attracted to women who are obviously dishonest and not really want to change but manipulate and hide behind false images.

There were some intense months, when I realized that I was walking a path wherein I am not really within the supportive environment from the perspective of Self-Honesty. That girl(here referred as 'G' - never wanted to be with me but enjoyed to play with me and I was driven by my desires and dishonesties. So then I made the decision to stop meeting with her. For months the hope lasted and when the patterns of fuckedupness came up what I already walked in the past - I realized I stepped into shit again. So I stopped that.

Then, the next girl, who I was within some sort of relationship - it was sexual at last - but that was mostly about that and we could never directly discuss points - and she apparently liked the 'idea' of Self-Forgiveness and walk as equals but in practical - never did - and I had to realize that I was hoping and sometimes I was projecting some anger towards her(!) what was because I was accepting shit within myself.

Meanwhile I visited Desteni farm - what I wanted since 2007 but I had no money, I had no way out from the current job - but I was sure that one day I will be able to go and it was so.
It was really assisting to see how these humans walk as equals at the farm and not accepting shit. Also I saw and spoke with beings within Agreement(for instance Leila and Gian, Maite and LeslieJohn) wherein they support themselves and each other as equals and face the points of Self-dishonesty within a sexual relationship - that was I wanted to try by myself. Also it was great assistance to discuss with my Resonances about how I am socially still holding onto points from specific phases of my early life wherein I am still responsible for separation regarding to my inner experiences and the world outside as manifested Self-dishonesty. I must walk from the Matrix of Perfection into the Self-Perfection.
So when I came back from the farm I was telling her that agreement is cool, we should do that but not really happened...she had still feelings towards her ex-boyfriend and I judged her as she sometimes did drink a lot of alcohol and hated herself for days then deciding not to do so again and timelooping within that. Each of occurrence of this loop - we became more and more distant.
At the end of that - when we already 'barely did sex' - this relationship faded out smoothly - and at the end she wrote an email about she found her love and she wants to be 'intimately' only with her new partner, so that's it. After that for an hour I was agry, it was fascinating to see - how I was angry at her - but in fact - I was angry at myself because I gave into the hope again - the hope that it can work, and at the end - I was angry at myself. I literally had to forgive myself to release this energetic possession what I was silently compressed, suppressed according to my fears/desires/hopes regarding to the pre-definition of 'agreement'.(!)

So then it was finished - and I had to realize that from the beginning of this relationship - I was compromised by my 'want' and 'hope' for make this to an Agreement, however my starting point was not clear, my starting point was of desire.

So then, I've decided to refine my starting point again and not to judge my 'fall' - because I was driven by ideas and not practical, physical reality.

After that I met with S. again - who I was with in Asia. So then we were about to being attracted sexually - however still I was facing with serious resistances. Resistance towards her - because of the memories what we participated within our past in Cambodia about 3-4 years ago.
These resistances were so imminent that I realized - this is a great opportunity to walk through my self-created reality what is of definitions, what is of fears, what is of assumptions.

I've noticed that she's changed. She had to change because she had a little child and by that she is more 'physical' - she has to consistently support her kiddo day by day, she can not fly away that much as she did years before - so that is really supporting for a woman and she was able to use some common sense. I've defined her that she did not change much within - but within application - yes - and we were able to discuss points what we were unable years back there.

I wanted to meet with her and deal with my shit what I've created regarding to her - at least to make sure that when I will engage into a next approach to form an agreement from relationship- I will not bring my past and I will not re-manifest my already manifested self-dishonesty.

I also noticed that I still 'contain' sexual affection towards S regardless of my fears. Probably that and the 'feel' that we screwed up before and wanted to 'correct' it - brought us together again.

I approached her about this - but I was unable to simply start a 'relationship' with her without seeing the 'end of the tunnel' - so I said to her that my plan is to leave the country in about next summer - but until that we could try this new thing what I saw people are doing at Desteni farm: Agreement. She told me that it sounds cool and she never was with a guy who with she could discuss points directly and anyways I am a bit more attractive for her than I was back there in Asia.

So we started to 'walk together' - and in fact we did not discuss points until the outmost degree, we did not stated the starting points directly, we did not lay down the basic words what we agree on, she is also not ready to share herself in her Birth Name on the internet, she was obviously not applying Self-Forgiveness since a while, so I was concerned - but as I was able to deal with her already(not as before some years ago - I was able to - or at least I persuaded myself that I am able to directly say things to her and not yield from points what are principles of myself), so then I was able to say to her that I can engage with her to try to manifest an Agreement.
And at least - sexually we do not have to wonder and participate within fantasies.

But.

I was still meeting with the girl(G.) who I could not make a relationship with - I should refer them somehow because here I already mention a lot of woman and in fact it is quite a mess what I've created. So. G was S.'s friend and they meet quite often - also because of the buddhist agenda they participate together(the same where I met with them) - and they like each other.

So I met with G and while re-meeting with G - but already realized that not for relationship - for what then? This was a point where I could compromise myself with the point for instance: 'to face her and release the still existing self-dishonesties within me' - what I like to rephrase with ex-girlfriends(or ex-not-girlfriends) in order to meet with them. That should be investigated further more. So.

When I was meeting with S., at the beginning, G was often there - and my tendency was quite clear on the physical level - that I was still touching G more likely than S. - as in the beginning S. was of my past wherein we could not come along and she was 'more cool than' before - but I did not want to do something 'serious' with her.
But somehow when I met with G and S at the same time - all together they did not seem that 'dangerous'. Dangerous from my perspective. From the point of I could go into a frenzy about 'never wanting to have relationship with buddhist again' for instance - or 'never wanting to have a relationship with S.' - and 'never really wanting to build up a desire again towards G again - because it did not work practically'. So then somehow spending time with this two girls - I allowed myself to fall into the desire and I've manifested that physically like the following:

G likes guys wander around her and they please and excite her, verbally and physically, even a bit sexually but never going to the point of direct sex.
Touching, fondling, massaging, hugging and playing with words and just simply play around, going to party together, dancing and speaking.

At some point I was still mesmerized by her presence, by her body taste(Waist–hip ratio!), by her voice, by her attitude. And S. was also there, and I started to wonder about what if I also could play with her - as when I was with her alone - she was also opened in a way for me - and once she even stated that she could imagine to be with me and she also noted to me that she is more attracted to me since I am more directive.

So then as I've defined myself and my desires according to women - by the self-accepted definitions and informations - I started to notice that S. also wants the touch. I was high of this. I was not aware of this directly, I was not really wondering about how they really feel - I was simply using the opportunity and three of us played around, for instance did kissing together.
After that kissing - G went home, more precisely she went to meet with her new boyfriend - and I was with S..

Then we started to speak. Then we started to have sex. Then we spoke more and I've noticed that she is more stable than ever. What I noticed also that she is still holding onto the points what we faced in Cambodia 4 years ago - but I could handle it. I could speak to her directly and I could bring up points what she got. At least I perceived like that.

So then after a couple meetings together three of us - G did not show up that much - she started to fall into her usual 'very busyness' - she was lost within her tasks and duties and work and school etc - and her new boyfriend - so we did not meet that much - or if so - then we directly went to a party two of us then we spoke and did massage and dance for instance. But I noticed that my desire - my want her for sex - my strive for touching her - was not really present anymore - I started to be satisfied with S. and with our application and with my intent to introduce Agreement within our speak, within our discussion, within our application.
What was really assisting to realize - that sometimes I stil 'had' the need to please her - in fact to please myself with her - but sometimes not - and after some events - I realized the truth - that in fact it is MY DECISION - but I was not honest with myself within my applications - that always I decide what I participate within. Obviously I was not directly aware of the beginning of 'not wanting to please with G' - that in fact I decided not to - but not directly, but by the accumulation of 1+1=2. Then I realized - I can decide anything - then I can walk myself into my decision as reality - and then by walking - I can face myself - is that direct physical - or still based on energetic waves? Anyways - I stopped wondering about G as I had no desire for 'woman' - because I experienced it with S.

So it happened like that - S. sometimes noted that she is not absolutely happy about when three of us met that I was more likely focusing to G - but I said to her that if it is a problem, then say so, and then she answered that it is not a problem. At least she wanted equal attention in these times. That was the beginning of our relationship.

Probably by 'simply' 'alone' I could never imagine myself to engage into a 'relationship' with S. - but at the beginning G was here and by her 'sugarlike/cheesey/sweet/honey-like' attitude - my 'edgyness' was reduced and I was not full of walls regarding to anything about S..

So we then 'officially' came together - G I did not see for months - and I was with S..

I've noticed some points from my past what directly came up and I've allowed it. For instance I've smoked again. Yes, after 3 years no smoking, after deeply realizing how I fucked myself up with that in long term - somehow I was tempted by the stuff and then for weeks I was resisting the stuff to smoke - but in fact I made the opportunity to have some - and I lied to myself - 'for a guy who visited me from abroad' - and when that guy came and he said that 'he was full of that shit in the last months and he does not want to smoke' - the stuff remained - and then for weeks I was fighting the inevitable. I've smoked. For one-two occasions I even would not judge myself - but I did more so.
And meanwhile I was meeting with S. - with the stuff I guess I was armoring, pacing myself - or at least my ego.

At that point I was conscious about I am walking shit again - but I compromised my walk by allowing any excuse for the fact that I am walking with a partner who directly expressed that she is curious the desteni material, the self-forgiveness, the Agreement as she is fed of the sneaky bastards who she was with in the name of 'relationship' wherein she even allowed abuse by the guys. She also wanted change and it was clearly true.
In that point I did not consider her starting point - I did not consider myself within the 'shoes' of her - and I did not consider my desires and my fears according to relationship.

I did not give myself fully into that - I was 'just meeting with her' - I was 'just' speaking with her and I was 'just' having sex with her meanwhile stating to her that 'Let's manifest an Agreement' - while I did not focus onto points what came up - for instance the self-suppression by smoking when fear comes up - so I've manifested a timeloop.
Also another self-compromise point what I allowed and I must make sure I will not deceive myself by this again is the following:
-I realized I am slipping, but directly I did not FACE MYSELF to dig out immediately as moment - as I've accepted the resonant FEAR to realize the self-dishonesty what I allow within myself - so the excuse was this:
'I do not exactly know/understand/realize the 'nature' or the 'core' of this dishonesty, so I dare myself to make mistake and I trust myself, so I will learn from this shit anyways...'.(!) No comment, fascinating - this kind of dishonesty I already walked before some times and this is the first time I can write it down.

Meanwhile I was still meeting with an other woman, for my second job, at this point since one and half year - she was the one who gave the job, in a way 'principal/contractor' and I enjoyed to meet with her even regarding to the job - and I was not directly aware of she could imagine me as her partner - I did consider her and I did consider her as my possible partner for agreement - but that girl stated out several times that she wants 'family', 'love', 'house in the country', 'children' and that kind of life. And I judged that kind of way extensively - because I've came from that - or at least what people call like that and I directly experienced this as a catastrophe.

I did not initiate sex with her - but we did meet in a spa, we did huggings, fondlings, speaking about intimate things - and I was not directly clear about I do not want her - it was like I did not want to fuck with her, because it could mean I am dishonest, because I was afraid to engage her in relationship - but anything else then can occur - because as 'cheating' - I 've defined fuck only and anything else is still cool, I am still self-honest if I even excite or allure another woman.

In fact this woman in a way is that kind of programmed definition of 'beauty' within me - pure hollywood stuff - long curly dark hair, the perfect Waist–hip ratio, her voice etc - I was mesmerised by her presence and by her attention towards me. Not much that I could go into an obsession/posession, but it accumulated and influenced me.

I also noticed that much assistance I get from her - the speaking, touching with her - was like intentionally melting down the ice of walls within my mind according to face women and open up and not fear to share and express. She sent me to contact dance, to get physical within touch and explore physical equality and balance with any partner in any moment - that she walks since years, so that I've defined as very cool.

Yet I could not try to even approach her directly with the idea of we may could try to be together - and I was aware of she will not do the first step, so it was cool, I had nothing to 'fear' from walking into serious fields wherein I could fail as I did in the past. So sometimes I simply expressed myself with her regardless of desire, no urge, no mask, then I experienced this attraction towards her, then it was gone. I liked that, I experienced some 'space' within me without the direct experience of fear from 'falling into a relationship wherein I am not in directive principle'.

Meanwhile 'I came together with S' and met with this woman(girl), and(lol) also an other girl slept at my place and I also did fondling and naked sleep with her - and I fell into the desire and I toucher her - and again - I did not fuck with her - it was almost too much and with her we in fact realized it was too much - we do not do that again and this was cool - but then something 'more than touch but less than fuck' happened again.

What I realized when I started my process that all the temptations of the mind I must walk unwaving - and there is one temptation for me - here - is this temptation from women, sexual temptation - not even the sex directly - to swirl around specific pieces of skins of the body in order to electrify quick or long-term energetic rushes - it's not even about that - but how I define myself according to women. 'Of course' I've managed to manifest some sort of sexual addiction within me - but I always was aware of that death will come one day and in one blink we are no more - and also that fact that each women will almost literally rot in alive while reaching the age of 60-70-80 years - so from the perspective of 'time' - for me it was always 'easy' to release that 'obsession' with 'beautiful women' - because I blink a thousand or ten thousand more and this beautiful body will be saggy and weak, shaking and sick, ugly and stinky - so fucking what? But this idea of power and about women what with I've allowed myself to fuck myself up.
So when I Started Process in 2007 - I realized I will be tempted with women extensively and I must walk the talk of Self-honesty and one of my 'points' is of this - but this came so fast that I did not realize that I am already within this phase of being tempted even sexually by a half dozen of women.

And my partner, S. told me that she is not really hell-like about that I resonantly play alpha-male, she simply said that I am sneaking around women again and again, and at least I should take Self-responsibility about these things and these women who I give hope and then in fact not stand by and with them. Not even speaking about 'MY' 'Agreement' with her.

Meanwhile I was pushing her points what I was seeing on her - and I directly asked her to push me by my points, even by this 'obsession with women' - to get the reflection of what I physically am and of - that's why I wanted to Walk Agreement - to get the points what I can not see - what I do not want to realize by myself.

So then sometimes when she pointed out that she is experiencing that I still behave with women as I am open - regardless of her presence or her notes. It's like this constant obsession of needing to assert to myself that I am needed for women.

And meanwhile I still allowed myself to smoke - and when I was simply tired or I was not really 'up to' meeting S. - I smoked, I played with computer for instance Call of duty Black ops for some hours - then "ahh shit, it's 20:00 already, I want to face her and I simply pushed myself into rushing to 'meeting with her'" and 'just' see what will happen.

It happened like this for some times - and around this point was when I stopped vlogging blogging for some months. I wanted to do so - but I was full of self-accepted self-dishonesty.

After some time I started to be really fed up about my dishonesty - and I told this to S. - in fact I was still doing VLOGs and some writings - but I simply judged it as myself as shit and I simply deleted or considered as 'not really supportive' for sharing as I could not stand by the starting point of these expressions.

When I saw the microexpressions on my face in a vlog - what I directly could define as 'irritation', 'anger' and 'confusion' - I made the decision to stop smoking and open this up directly with my partner S. and start to write about it directly and start to accumulate Self-Will to stand up from Self-dishonesty.

At the moment I've decided to do so - I immediately experienced quite a relief - from the burden what I manifested and what I carried - but it's still within me and when I am not directly breathing HERE - it is influencing me in such a degree that I am still participating within self dishonesty.
I realized - again - that I must accumulate Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty by starting over from 'scratches' - no way I could remain as Infinity as I am at the moment, so I push.

Meanwhile S. was still telling me that I do look very possessed about the women point and it looks like I still fear and I still want to prove something or want to avoid direct responsibility with my current partner.

And at moments I realized something about this -refractions, glimpses - but at occasions I simply neglected it and resisted and I attacked her with my favourite point within our relationship: that she is still participating within tibetian buddhism - she is still hoping and doing absolute shit instead of acting within Self-honesty.

She was quite fed off my stuff and myself as well - and then as I was telling her that I do not accept shit for a long time, she told the same - and then I started to release this ego-shield - what I developed as excuse-system within and as my mind to not needing to realize what I am still participate within myself from the starting point of Self-dishonesty.

Then I've started to accumulate decision within my writing and investigate through writing again and again about the points and then I've noticed that she is right - and I want to have multiple women - because somehow I am not satisfied with the one - and I even remember for stating out that there are two-three women around me that all of them together if we could come along - would make the perfect relationship for me. So then that simple sacred geometry triangle information system I've defined as myself. And by that self-definition I have aligned myself with and as this information within my expressions without a blink, without even considering the women who I was 'thinking about' to - in fact - have them for me. LOL. And of course never wanting to stand with them as equals as me with taking full responsibility - so it was not really Life.

As I write this down - it is obviously not Self-Honesty within action. But to stand up for the self-created resistances what I was not even aware of - about WHY I was unable to directly face this point within myself for a long-long time.

This I've noticed already that here is my partner and there are points - HERE are points what she is directly pointing out simply by speaking about it to me - and when she is saying that this is bullshit - I at times simply neglect or am unable to do anything about in the moment - and there are year-like seconds - time stops, I am here and there is no way to go anymore and then I realize - well - there is no more running - it is exposed.

Recently we also discussed the point of fear from 'infinite' placement of self within a relationship, within an agreement. My need of wanting to 'see the end of the tunnel' is of self-definition. I must release this within Self-honesty.

If I look at the issues what I 'bring' into my current relationship - it is already reduced - I can stop some points already - because of the supporting environment of our relationship what has been started to transform into an agreement.

The sex-based occupations what are of the mind such as suppressed desires, fantasies, porn - rarely still come up but I am not giving into that, I am not participating - even when I accidentally face such things - I notice that I am here, I breath - and I must be sure that I do not accumulate any slightest inner reaction toward these kind of expressions - because then I will be possessed again.

The fear from being within a relationship - is reducing at every time we meet - by realizing that I have nothing to fear - I am the directive principle of my life - in fact accumulating self-will to place myself into the active application of 'what is best for all'.

The sexual desires towards other women, especially the ones who I mentioned, who I still meet and who even sometimes express their interest and attraction towards me even sometimes not only by 'giving attention' but sometimes sexually - I must realize that I am in an agreement wherein I stick to the words with what we agreed on to walk this process - and that is more important than some temporally occupation within sex with somebody who I did not agree with for walking as equals - however if energetic reactions would come up - I know that the definitions regarding to unknown and the hope could come up what I already realized that is of fear, that is of self-dishonesty.
I directly told the other women that I made the decision to walk with S. at this moment, I take responsibility and however I do not play monk with them(a hug for instance is ok but pleasing I must not participate within), however I do sex only with S.
I am still correcting myself by not participating within desire - at all - with any women - but 1+1=2 - accumulation and by realizing the re-location of myself by and as the principle of What is best for all - I am able to stand up for desires, I am able to walk through programmed-fear of I am not good enough and to polarize/compensate that constantly seeking for affirmations from women because I've defined my power according to beauty and women.

So that's it for now about reviewing -again- my points towards women and relationship - I stand as the process of stopping my participation within the mind.
I see that each time I write about this topic - the more I open, the more directly I share the core points within my intimacy about my self-dishonesties. And I also realized that what I did not share within my previous writing about these things before - are of self-definitions - because anything I share as I perceive myself to be - is of the mind what I've became - and if I am shy about points, if I regret points - if I still want to things keep in secret - about those points in fact I still do not want to change - that's why I do not want to expose those points.

So I keep pushing each point by sharing. This document is 'deep' enough to use it as material for Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective application.

This is part of facing my resonant fear from expressing myself constantly so I must face, realize, forgive, stop, release and let go unconditionally within constant, stable physical expression breath by breath.