[JTL Day 11] Coming down to Earth from ACID-tripping away

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Okay, a self-responsibility point. Some psychedelic drug stories.
Some might disagree, some don't. It doesn't matter. I write out, I let go, I remain undefined.
If you have different view, please share!
Here is one interview from 'beyond the grave'
So.
It's about ACID. This singular word within me can bring up a whole network-halo interconnected with several branches, and the first branch of it I walk here of why I did the TRIPS within my mind.
I stopped using it since some years, before I started Desteni process, my last trip was in Thailand, with a French and a Japanese guy at an awesome psychedelic trance party and then I've realized it is obvious now that I am not supporting myself with it - maybe the first couple ones were cool to explode some shit to the surface of myself but after then it was of and as self-definition, so better to walk this path as it is coming up here.
I do not have to hunt after Self-dishonesties within and as me - I am walking and when the shit comes, I walk through or it will loop and intensify - and the subject I am referring to is obviously myself.
Any separation within me defined by myself as mind about my mind can not be valid, as any reason and justification I experience within my internal feedback system through thoughts, feelings and emotions is always a mirror of myself saying hello from my past when I've made the consequence with a specific acceptance and allowance of a conditional act of self-dishonesty.
So also I am walking through the judgments I have with LSD.
And I must pronounce I do not say LSD is BAD - but it is not GOOD either. It just is. Of this world. But the experience with the stuff is rather 'far' from any 'liberation' - it tweaks the mind, but all human's mind is using the physical body to get energy from - that is just a note for consideration. I see also that my body is not first class commando-capable in any moment now and I am not that old - I lived many years reckless and just run around not seeing far more than a meter and that was a process but seeing more far here I start to consider my body as equal as one as myself, no separation, no definition. Because any relationship I form within and as my mind - I am defined, limited, even when not realizing that.
So I have quite some vocabulary and word-relationship within my mind - regarding to drugs and I was unaware of that if I do not walk this trough, I am being influenced by people who might do 'stuff' - and it can even occur that I am not even aware of this influence. It is how I've emerged from childhood, I have tendency to be influenced by other humans -  especially with those who I've defined as likeness or goodness - defined but long time ago. So I walk the writing and put the words within and as me in front of me on the screen and seeing these words equal and one as who I am in this moment - I can walk through these self-accepted definition relationships within my mind what is being accessed, energized each time for instance I hear specific words, I am sure you also have some words what you not really like to hear or say or there are some what you like to hear or say because of the self-accepted perceived relationship you are responsible for maintaining and it is common sense to stop. So walking through these words I can walk trough reactions and layers of automatized self-acceptance regarding to things and defining the whole rule-set within the fuzzy-logic energetic mind through thoughts, feelings and emotions as they form relationships within ourselves with ourselves and the physical reality and others around us.
But to have a self-willed directive power here within the consideration of what is best for all is not possible until our relationship towards and within everything is not equal and one with ourselves, because then there is separation, there is definition, control, reaction.
So the key is to realize with words is how I am standing within relationship regarding to these words and not within and equal and one relationship, but of and as perceived separations by the words, what I walk here to be able to forgive and correct and re-align myself:

Wondering about who I am currently as some people even said to me that I could not become who I am without acid, and of course, but it was a phase in my life, I do not judge, I've had my moments, I've even enjoyed myself but not much people can really be aware of the physical consequences within and as our human physical body by these substances in long term and myself personally and you can send me feedback about how you see this that also there was a Desteni Portal interview about ACID(do you have the link for this one specific interview?;) how it was intensifying the mind by seeping of physical-life-substance-energy to transfer it to fuel the mind - and fascinatingly enough the mind was overcharged so many times with the stuff that at some points I even came close to really stop my mind for ever - but what I did not realize that currently I am not aware of how the mind is imbued and ingrained within and as the physical and without the mind operating so many functions within and as my human body, that without it I could simply just collapse.
Because that we, humans all became, energetic entities and without mind-energy we do not really move.
I even can experience that when I wake up I experience a some sort of dream-thought-waving experience within I am fueling up my mind and then me, become conscious and then waking up and then sitting, standing up.
So this is an other topic, but it is really the question of Self-honesty how fast one can walk through releasing all the self-delusions and really change within the consideration of what is best for all.

And MANY I had contact from this part of my life seems to still define themselves through drugs,  but for me it was never the issue. I always knew that as long I do the drugs, I can not be constant and consistent here - because it crawls up on me and it hits and then I flow and then it's depleting and then it's gone - and by these states I am influenced, directed - and by the influence I change perception and how and why I change perception was always the question, and wanting to 'realize' for ever more to not needing to take stuff anymore.
For me is the truth, the real truth of me and the reality with never changing undeniable eternal facts I was always 'looking for' - - for long years outside of me and I was looking this truth everywhere else but Here where and who I am in this moment.
So it is common sense to stop the seek and working on myself to be able to become comfortable with me and stop the conflicts within me what makes me change all the time but not as I want but as it happens.
So for me to let go the ACID was never a question, I did it until I was able to persuade myself that it is really supporting me but when the last trip happened, it was clear that it is just an energy blast within my mind what my body will take, what is the only real of me currently. So this body better write and write instead of think and react, or if I still think and react, then I write that down and walking the Self-forgiveness and Self-correction to really stop reacting to thoughts and stopping the thoughts by slowing myself down to be able to stop the thoughts before they 'occur'.

Also within this human law system these stuffs are mostly prohibited and absolutely illegal so if you are coming from that point of view, this is just a novel what I've made up to have fun and have an 'example' of walking through perceived self-definitions what limit me without me being aware of it.

For instance in the country I am being, even there are steps within law that somehow censoring personal blogs if it would intimidate the current government establishment, and that is quite bold because these guys can decide what it really means, what is so ridiculous that I am not writing about that any more words here.

So, acid, the "fire of St Anthony"

I was quite physically irritated from the very being I’ve became by consistently battling several conflicts within and as me throughout my previous years by the delusional realms of thoughts, feelings and emotions – and with ACID and similar drugs I was able to 'engineer' a kind of blank state, a fluid yet solid; some sort of empty mind experience what (according to my perception in that time) I was unable to attain without re-creating these virtual-death experiences within my mind through inducing energetic warfare by taking these substances.

And the goal was to be able to just look at something without having these judgments and reactions, apparently 'automatically', just me seeing an object in 3D with a fucking quiet mind, like no past, no future, not even 'now' but a presence what reach REALITY; what does not seem anybody around me was able to do, even the 'masters' seemed to be just like ordinary humans in terms of reacting to thoughts, feelings and emotions.
(In that time it was not clear like that, it was more on a resonant level, by that time I've referred to this as some sort of animal instinct)

So within the LSD trip I have my moments indeed, but I was never absolutely satisfied when I started to 'come back' to who I was from the experience of perceptional 'frequency change' within my mind.
Interestingly enough, I've uploaded quite some amount of VLOGS about these some years ago to my first youtube channel, talamoon, so if you are curious, here are some:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4s6CnTQ2n0&list=PLDD5657342E90A9DE

But after the trip was over,(whohoho, when the trip is over?), I mean when the judgment came within and as me as self accepting thoughts without questioning about 'okay, this is the point from now on the trip is 'officially' over. From now on I am 'back as who I was as myself' again.

And then I've tried to convince myself that 'the trip never ends' yet I was again facing my suppression as the default starting point towards everything what I did not enjoy within and as myself and the reality around me.

For instance for a while I was tripping weekly because after some days the inner reality of me was again re-forming, re-integrating into my action - so then I had the perception that I have to 'clear the board again and start over' - so then I was working on intensifying the trips so that when it flips, 'I' would never come back, as all hippie's dream is about: never ending trip - because within that state - I was able to just be quiet - because of the high dose of LSD or psylocibin(mushroom) or very rarely combined with MDMA(Ectasy) - and that 'extra' energy I did not realize back then that it was taking from my physical body, my tissues - but by that energy - I was able to just unify and liquify all of my mind and remain quiet inside.

So then I was intensifying the trips in order to maximalize the 'profit': the time being experienced within a quiet mind. Trance party

Some who at parties take these stuffs for 'just party' might smile on all the reasons for I've taken these stuffs and apparently having party but the starting point for me was always because of this 'shut fuck up, mind!' perception was - since from a moment it was never a choice to become this investigator of mind and reality and everyone seemed to be quite comfortable or not comfortable around me about the roles what they take in their life so to speak, but I never could really settle down - from family what I learned is that we are demons in hell, from movies I've learned without ego any money I remain powerless slave of surviving, from school I've learned if I can absorb faster and more knowledge and information than others, I am better, from love and relationships I've experienced also some sort of obsession and fear, with alcohol my family given enough example that it is straight goes to hell with it for long term, in that time I was really introverted and only I could really be comfortable with machines, computers and animals and alone and very-very some people - so I did not really see many choices, but to investigate and try out different living-styles because from where I emerged, it was a clear example that anything but this, and it was not 'bad', they 'loved' me, still my mother would give up her anything if it would require, do not misunderstand this, but she also got the fear and teach fear what is not required. Okay, I've written quite some about that some years ago here already, so I REALLY wanted change, especially after years of tripping with white light experiences, I've perfected my tripping techniques what I trusted that I do that and I will change.

I could fill a book just with those techniques but fortunately I've found a much-much more practical solution with Desteni for the same reason but I had to change my starting point and restart living from scratches within and as the principle of Equality and Oneness as Self as Life as the Physical. Try it to apply it within common sense and see it for yourself - but you are always equal and one with and as what you are within/ what you are experiencing, what you suffer from, what you deny or fight, everything is always, constantly SELF.

Self-forgiveness and Self-correction is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that with any chemical substance what induce perceptional and energetic shifts within me will help me to be a better person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope in any way whatsoever and not realizing the consequence of it as playing a casino with expecting to win regardless of anything but my interest, me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to remain like I am currently regarding to my self-accepted and allowed relationships towards the points I feel I am existing within conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship energy within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within the perception of separation I perceive myself to exist within and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself that I do not what I should do and wanting others to tell me what to do and who I am because I do not know who I am and wanting to trust writings, scriptures, substances, others because wanting to polarize-back my energetic valuesystem of experiencing myself as not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body wherein and as I exist and consist of as my self-responsibility within and as physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe/hope that my responsibility ends with my border of my human physical body, meaning only my body I am responsible for and not realizing the context I am within and as equal as one as this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking actually I am thinking as myself fully here within presence and not realizing that when I think and I react to my thoughts, I am absolutely not here with and as all what is here but within self-separated self-secluded self-defined self-internal-feedback system what is of and as thoughts, emotions, feelings what is the resonant result of my constant and consistent Self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to being told what is the truth, my truth, actually I am disempowering my Self-honesty and Self-intimacy here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my first LSD experience as this is what I have to do but more in order to experience myself in an apparently more free view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that using LSD for stopping my thoughts and feelings and emotions is always conditional and limited and will not last.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to boost my mind in order to be able to use it to transcend it as a separate entity within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of the physical consequences of LSD within and as my human physical body as seeping off the life force to fuel mind consciousness system to have an apparently 'more real' experience and not realizing that within the starting point I was already compromised because I've defined myself according to two separate circumstances as 'tripping' and 'not tripping'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the word 'tripping' meanwhile apparently weakening my human physical body here experience I was always aware of that by 'tripping away' I was abdicating my self-responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge acid as good or bad instead of realizing that what I project to it it is of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and totemize the acid instead of realizing that everything I've defined within and as me according to the word acid and LSD - is only of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with LSD I will be able to realize myself in a way that within a trip I will be flipped over and not coming back and not realizing that I was already 'was aware of' what I was doing in terms of finding words for what I did as 'wanting to go away from here' and 'not wanting to come back to who I've became and who I've defined myself to be' because I've defined myself as screwed up and I could not change myself and I wanted to start it over, with a blank new start, with a clear sheet by becoming 'tripping' constantly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was tripping and having these experiences - after the experience was gone, I've defined these experiences according to who I've defined myself to be before/meanwhile/and after taking the acid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the common sense within writing everything down how and why and what exactly I experiece but wanting to be able to disregard anything of and as me regardless of any physical consequence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within and as my mind as consciousness system, I was always, constantly and consistently dependent on the human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body because I've defined it as a separate entity from me as I've defined myself as consciousness and within that definition I was unable to have any personal power to change who I was because all I did was disregarding my physical reality, started with disregarding my own human physical body and wanting to constantly take refuge only within experience and not realizing that it will not last and it is always self-dishonesty to not consider reality what I am actually sharing with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as prison and limitation and punishment and obstacle and as a piece of meat what I am bound to for a reason I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a one single moment of realization which trough I can immediately be free and not needing to face the consequences of my acts and for what I am and who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within this world to happen and not realizing that within the want and hope I skipped to realize that constancy and consistency is imperative within real physical change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a trip, an experience to change me for ever to end the conflicts within me and not realizing that these conflicts I am reacting to, I am in fact responsible for maintaining them within and as me by a willful participation within thoughts and feelings and emotions because everyone is doing the same, because it is what has been taught to me, because all I've got was this, and my family was also like this, and everybody around me defined themselves according to these inner reactions(thoughts, feelings and emotions).

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within this world even if all human tend to define themselves according to thoughts, feelings, emotions, I still can be constant and consistent and unwavering within my starting point of disregarding my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'shit' because I was unable to stop my mind in one breath and not realizing that stopping me would take time as it was time for becoming who I am currently and within physical reality, the time is the test for what is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I experience because within remaining undefined, I can never have an apparently valid knowledge within myself for to react with another self-definition to have an energetic experience within me to feel myself as I've defined as 'good'.
I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to desire to end all conflicts within and as me and not realizing that I can stop being CONFin-ed within Self-IN-flict-I-on simply becoming aware of my patterns and how and why I've became as conflict and writing all down to put myself to front of me and seeing it as who I am as words and relationships between words and understanding the decisions I've made in my past which through I've formed myself for who I experience myself to be and making the decision to change even when I do not know what will happen but it is obvious that within Self-honesty I can not accept myself as conflict anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because I have NO knowledge about what will happen when I change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change and only actually change when compounding the conflict within me and then severing from conflict compounding frustration and when it is too much then moving to change what is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do weekly acid trips, then I can keep myself clean from my own mind's intoxication until something more or new will happen what will be my interest and not realizing that giving into any quantum-moment to hope I have no chance because hope makes me wonder and not acting and within physical existence only act is real, I can not feed my body with hope, I actually have to eat physical food.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the conflicts within me and wanting to end the conflict by understanding and knowing myself but wanting to battle over and dominate my energetic mind-dominion with an apparently more strong energy, the LSD.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that since I've emerged within and as this physical existence I accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict by seeing all the abuse around me and more far from my senses all around the world being done to others and reacting with a feeling of sadness and apathy and dis-empowerment and fear what I've suppressed as I could not handle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in terms of while experiencing myself on drugs perceiving others how they are really suffering and my sufferings seemed very minor according to how I've seen others in real physical pain and misery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I could not really take the impact of how I perceived the world and others as really being in hell but themselves might not even realize how much they suffer because of the constant occupation within and as their mind and seeing this I was crushed by the fact that I could not do anything as I was not even being aware of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to save others and wanting to help others and not realizing meanwhile I was disregarding myself, and focusing to changing what I really can: myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined to be my responsibility to help others and change the world because apparently I did not see anybody else REALLY doing it yet reacting to this self-made conclusion as -I am in doubt that I can really save the world and not realizing the common sense to save myself from myself first.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered/realized/seen that by defining my thoughts and the thinking process and the same with feelings and having feelings and emotions as directly myself and trusting these within and as me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as avoidable because within emotional states I've became absolutly and totally automatic within reaction what made me experience myself in a way cold regardless of the heat of emotions, because within reactions I was really closed and limited.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge emotions as weakness because within emotions I was unable to control myself because I was defining myself according to constant controling myself because within the fear that if I do not control myself, I could lose myself and then I would do something stupid and irresponsible what I would regret to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistances within my manifested physically to write down everything exactly I think, experience, feel, because within writing I am actually assisting and supporting myself to acknowledge the patterns of self-dishonesty, because then I would be more aware of how and why I accept myself as self-dishonesty and within accepting myself to do so I could not stop judging myself as full of shit when seeing directly my responsibility and still not changing in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the consequences of writing down everything what I consist of as thoughts, feelings, emotions because then I would have to fear from not changing because who I've became also was not an self-aware decision but of outer conditioning and inner reactions but within self-definition I had an apparent knowledge about how to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to surviving and not realizing that within surviving I consist of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-induced perceptional mind-death experiences through psychedelic drugs I wanted to have an experience of death to know what it is and not fearing from it because I've defined really fearful what I do not know.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing myself according to life and death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the starting point of fear what I entail of is of reacting to what is not real, what is not here, but of knowledge and information what is not being placed into practical application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and define perceived 'mind-death' experiences as cheating within reincarnation, and perceiving myself as like reincarnating after each acid trip because within the trip something always changed and that change I've defined as because of death and even defining it as apparently 'joy' to blow my mind within the perception of some sort of 'attainment'.

Okay we've reached the point of 'enlightenment'. That will be in an other post.

Self corrective statements to re-align my starting point as life as all as equal as one within and as the physical.

When and as I experience myself wanting to just skip an experience within and as me, I realize I have the tendency to react automatically with wanting to energetically 'surge' my mind-state with something what would change my perception, coffee, weed or even green tea, computer game or sexual arousement - and then I realize this patterns I've walked many times and proven to me that it is not fully me, so I stop, I take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing and committing myself to really deal with the issues what I want to skip, escape from.
When and as I experience any reaction to the word LSD or ACID, I stop, I breathe, I let go everything here, I am aware of all my definitions are self-created lies and traps what to if I react, I will timeloop with the exact same point what I do not wish, so I simply stop, breathe, disengage, I forgive myself specifically and I focus on what I am actually doing before the distraction as inner reaction.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is good, great, I stop, I breathe, and I realize how I experienced myself with my last trip and the extensive tiredness and intensified mind-experience was really physically uncomfortable what was simply facing myself with a velocity of an artillery what I do not want anymore.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is bad, shit, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that judging it as negative is the same as judging it as positive, and if I do not want to take it then I do not take it and that's all.
When and as I would consider taking acid in a mind-state wherein it would be a great idea, I stop, I breathe, I realize I react by thoughts, feelings and emotions what I've created when I was not aware of the physical consequence of having a starting point of mind mind and in fact I've made the decision to not take any more trips because it is not supporting me as Life.
When and as I want to take a trip on mushroom, I realize I've stopped it some years ago because I've made the decision to not induce my mind with trips anymore because first I'd rather become comfortable with and as myself than trying to make chemical warfare within and as my mind, especially having already physical reference of that the real change and real realizations I've made are by Self-honest writing and applying Self-forgiveness so that is my way, regardless of the intensity of the experience what would make me react to starting to want tripping with mushroom.
When and as I having an inner reaction that a woman who I would define as attractive or important or really fascinating would want me to take trip, I stop reacting and I remain here and I am breathing within awareness of I've made the decision and compromising myself because of a desire what is directly sexual desire or linked with a layer of hope of sexual desire - I stop, I become aware of my physical and principled living based on Self-honesty and presence and common sense.
When and as I fear that I might be punished by the system establishment for I had these experiences or I am sharing about these experiences - I stop, I take responsibility and I use common sense based on what is best for me and best for all equally.
When and as I have the inner reaction to recklessly and irresponsibly wanting to endanger my process by playing russian-rulett with the establishment's law enforcement about how they would react if I would tell them how substances I've taken what they would react to as illegal and punishable - I breathe, I let it all go and I am here as presence and using common sense.
When and as I am experiencing fading my presence within and as my human physical body, I realize, my Location is within and as my human physical body and wherever I would go from this, that I stop, and if I can not change within this, I write down and I investigate and I walk through within Self-honesty to make sure that I am aware of that I am Here as my Location and the only thing I can trust is myself as my human physical body as reality.
When and as I do not experience my body, I stop, I breathe here as self, I become aware of my limbs, my fingers, especially on my feet, because from my mind's perspective that is quite far, as almost 2 meters away from my head, and by becoming aware of it, becoming aware of my toes and as I move my toes, I re-align myself here as the physical yet not defining this at all but remain inner silent and push my expression here within self-aware breathing, one by one, slowly, constantly.
When and as I want to speed up my process, I realize I can only speed up become Self-honest and change in one breath by willing myself to change and actually exploring my change, regardless of what will happen next.
When and as I am with others doing psychedelic drugs, I remain here as physical presence and undefined within and expressing myself within breathing and physical acting.

Self-commitment statements to really change:
I commit myself to investigate all experiences and reactions within myself regarding to the word LSD and acid.
I commit myself to share my experiences and realizations according to tripping.
I commit myself to stop wanting to get high because of anything.
I commit myself to disengage and release and delete and remove all associations and inner reactions arising within me regarding to the words LSD and acid to release the past and be always constantly here.
I commit myself to STOP wanting/desiring/acting to become energetically intensified and end all conflict within and as me by force.
I commit myself to be responsible for each act I do.
I commit myself to PREVENT harm by choosing first already what is best for all and within writing and Self-forgiveness actually preparing myself practically LIVING my decision and not using the excuse that "I did not want this but this is how it turned out, I am sorry", what is a deliberate self-dishonesty because I can prepare myself to act according to principle.
I commit myself to stop accepting any conflict within and as me and in one breath daring myself to be absolutely Self-honest and living physically and disregarding the mind as thoughts, emotions, feelings and expressing myself directly and undefined in every moment.

Okay this should be also a series, many points I opened here.
Possible continuation titles from here:

1. Re-aligning self-starting point from drug-minded to and as self physical here
2. Digging about people persuading me
3. Walking through patterns of I persuaded people
4. Walking through persuasion and spiritualism and drugs
5. Psychedelic drug symbolism construct release
6. Self-projection future creation path of enlightenment to hell backtracking

 Thanks for reading, enjoy Breath and Try Self-forgiveness on stuff what you are bothered with within and as you and dare to change according to a Self-willed decision within Self-honesty - on an addiction, a fixation, a compulsion, an obsession, an impossible desire to fulfill or a fear or anything  just write and expand - it's free and the best for you, for me and for all;)

[JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

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Until recently, I've had the idea of responsibility is a thing what is unworthy of my attention as apparently it seemed not worthy within my value system's effort/gain ratio.
For a long time I was unaware of my responsibilities in terms of who I am as Life.
Since from my childhood, for long term I was seeking opportunities to abdicate my responsibilities for what I've accepted and allowed to manifest.
When I started to apply Desteni tools, I was astounded how much I've missed from who I am currently even within apparently that was my first 'cause' - I always realized the flaws within myself when faced consequences but then it was always too late and then I had the pattern of judging myself and blaming others and suppressing anger what was absolutely not a Self-honest Life-walk for sure.

I was always within the perception of I am a tiny particle within the world yet I always wanted to change it meanwhile I did not want to change myself but I had to acknowledge some real changes within myself AFTER "life change" events/accidents/relationships - but the idea of me, myself, here I can change at any time by my will - was obscured, was under the carpet, because I was continuously changing anyway simply by facing the world - but the starting point to change for I had to study and apply the Desteni material.

The starting point from my mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, perceptions, pictures, personalities, characters, desires, fears

to

physical presence, being aware of my breath, disregarding the internal feedback system(the mind as mainly thoughts, feelings, emotions), and to live within Self-honesty an equal and one relationship with and as everything what is really here, as Life as all as one as equal.

To stop suppressing LIFE within and as me is my responsibility.

To start exploring self-limitation according to the mind's starting point I apply Self-forgiveness, as I explore the words which through I manifested the relationships I exist within self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize my responsibilities right here where and as my human physical body breathes as me as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the necessity of realization of my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand what responsibility really means.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with an idea of even being possible to skip or escape my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that without realizing my responsibility I am still and continuously and constantly responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form myself according to the idea of abdicating responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a definition and a preconception about the word responsibility without being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have definitions regarding to the word responsibility meanwhile not being aware of what and why I react to this word as the self-accepted self-definitions, patterns, memories being associated whose to I react with another association, definition, judgment, pattern, memory - by what I abdicate self-presence, self-responsibility here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing all my responsibilities within and as myself as this world regardless of the current human system's impulse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have an idea about what responsibility means by and according to media, movies, advertisement, other people, friends, family, workmates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing our REAL responsibilities what to we all contribute without being aware of within the current world system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within running away from responsibilities actually I was running away from myself as the limitation what I've accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from response-ability for and as who I've became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that responsibility can be interpreted different ways as trying to have a justification or a reason for why not taking responsibility for and as who I currently am.

I commit myself to stop any definition existing within and as me regarding to responsibility but self-responsibility as self-honesty in every moment of every breath.
I commit myself to re-defining the word responsibility for what is best for me and best for all as response-ability to investigate myself as currently I exist as relationships towards points within and as my mind what I can unveil by the actual investigation of writing and Self-forgiveness and living the Self-corrective Action.

When and as I realize a self-definition I accept towards/regarding to/about the word responsibility, I stop, I remove, I delete the reaction, I remain here constant, consistent, breathing.
When and as I blame an other for apparently her/his responsibility - I realize that I should reflect this back to me as 'what responsibility I abdicate as self?'.

When and as I think that I acted irresponsible in my past - I realize the consequence is here, I am here, I realize, if I react the same way, I do not change , but if I stop reacting, I can see myself as the relationship of responsibility about the current, specific point - so then I can see myself exactly and how and why I have accepted such self-abdication and I change, as the best act is the prevention: preventing myself to remain within the same pattern.
---

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of procrastinating/postponing to face my responsibilities within the hope of maybe I do not have to push myself instead of realizing that within any moment I do not push myself as physical presence as Self-honesty - I can not be trusted, so I stop, I breathe, I let go and re-align myself with and as Self-honesty as physical presence within action regarding to 'What is best for all'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I see anybody else feeling apparently 'cool' within abdicating self-responsibilities - that does not mean that it is my way, or I should desire for such 'way' or I should act the same according to the desire for 'abdicating my self responsibilities' within the specific context, the topic about I have the initial mind-relationship within as -responsibility as avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my state and process not living principled living in any moment means I am abdicating self-responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and become angry at myself -and not being aware of this- because I want to change immediately - and by desire - instead of realizing that real change requires constancy and stability what I abdicate in terms of every day walking the process of Self-honesty by having excuses as 'too busy' and 'not enough time' and 'what I wrote today was not 'finished'' etc - instead of realizing that I am the creator of my time, my energy, my action, my day - and no one can be blamed for this only me and within self-judgment and suppressed anger towards me - I participate within self-dishonesty because within self-judgment I have the starting point of 'I do not change' - that's why I judge myself, that's why I become angry at myself - instead of simply changing myself in the context of the judgment until my mind is empty and I am here as physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that postponing my responsibilities I actually postpone facing myself and postponing the realization of my equal and one relationship with and as society, nature, animal kingdom, physical reality, existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the points I act according to my past as the imprinted resonance of what I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive as 'Talamon' is of and as layers of consciousness, what is not physical, what is conditional, what is of and as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I do not dare to write down as really exists within myself, within my world - I do not want to take self-responsibility for what I stop and I realize the resistances for writing are also not real, and the more I judge these resistances and my relationship with my resistances to write - the more I accept and allow myself existing according to these self-definitions based on specific self-dishonesties - the more will compound and the more impact will have on my life without myself being the director but the directed, the puppet of my own self-dishonesty manifestation within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined fully scheduled weeks as avoidable, because then I would not have the ability to just go and do whatever in the moment I am reacted to do - but I would be scheduled to do the things what I've decided to do within an effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for being effective yet not wanting to absolutely use tools to schedule myself in order to manifest myself as effectiveness and efficiency within what I do by and as consistence and constancy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility towards applying what I have as knowledge regarding to deal with practically living in a busy city wherein tons of impulses are bombarding me and it is my responsibility to be aware how I react to these and how I am influenced and how it is related to what I've decided to walk.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is my responsibility to stop escaping from what is here as all as equal as one by wanting and hoping to get high from anything what I've defined as acceptable such as sexual arousement, smoking, killing in computer game or simply being obsessed with anything what I only can enjoy by thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from structuring my life and daily living because I've defined it as prison because I've defined freedom as anytime I can do whatever I want and not realizing that I've defined freedom according to my limitation, I've defined freedom by and as my mind as desire for abdicating responsibilities instead of re-defining freedom as myself being here always absolutely self-honest with myself and living this in every moment of every breath.

I stop defining freedom as 'unscheduled' week.

I define freedom as Living Absolute Self-honesty in each moment, breath by breath within the consideration of 'What is best for me is what is best for All!'.

I stop fearing from structuring myself and my responsibilities within an effective and practical and common sensiscal way.

I stop defining freedom as 'something what has it's price' but Absolute Self Honesty applied in Living in each moment.

I define structuring my weeks and time-management as my self-responsibility.

I take responsibility for and as myself, everything I've ever done or I exist as.

I take responsibility within Oneness and Equality by standing up as all as equal as one as life.

I take responsibility to stop defining myself according to my past (one minute or ten years, same) - I am here as presence within and as moment as breath.

--

Next time I'll be walking the specific detailed list what are currently existing within my life regarding to Self-responsibility and investigating the self-accepted relationships within my mind what influence me to be not consistent within effectively walking the process of birthing myself as Life from the physical.

[JTL] Day 9 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART V.

In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV - I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

I commit myself to write and re-align myself to the actual preparation and scripting for myself to really change and be able to act and live and make decisions within my life what is in fact equally best for all.

This is walking the threads of the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All. Check out the Journey to Life blogs:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://humanitysjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
(and many-many more)

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.

AND WALK DESTENI I PROCESS LITE COURSE FOR FREE: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know and be aware of that I follow a self dishonesty within me when judging woman's about my perception about how great I can imagine to have sex with her even when she did not give me permission to me imagine her doing sex with me - and by the reaction towards that imagination I come to the conclusion of she is sexually attractive for me or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of that I follow and react to self-dishonesty within when automatically judging a woman about can I imagine her doing great sex with me or not and then acting towards her according to that inner judgment. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to this inner judgment about women to become automatical in terms of being able to see women as 'desirable sex objects with what I could experience great sex' or defining women as 'this is not my type for what I get aroused to'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the act of inner judgment of 'sexually attractive woman' - by memories and desires actually I am responsible for experiencing separation from the actual being who I allowed to judge within based on my past, where I came from as memories/experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within visual interpretation of my world - I am automatically defining and reacting to beings/things within 3D reality based on my already self-accepted self-definitions such as 'exciting woman body' and 'arousing woman's behavior' and 'stimulating woman's voice' - without actually being able to experience and 'have a grasp' about the actual being in front of me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the act of self-definition I already accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my physical presence and direct experience me being here by allowing a system to operate within and as me for me based on my past's acceptance and allowance as manifested Self as Self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each time I accept inner reaction and an other reaction to come after an inner reaction - without me being aware of it, me being the directive principle within self-presence and self-awareness - actually I am behaving as a pre-programmed organic robot within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in the beginning I've defined facing woman as extremely stimulating as experience what I've reacted to extensively and within the reaction I've defined it as too much, avoidable, so I've came up with a systematically automatically reacting aspect of me through and as the mind fueled and directed by thoughts, feelings and emotions within the hope of gaining the object of my desire - in this case the experience of sex with a woman who I've defined as attractive.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking partner for me I've lost within the experience of myself being the seeker and having the lack - and I've allowed and accepted myself as this seeker after experience - actually making me responsible for the 'lack of woman and the aspects what I've defined as separeted from me of woman'.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking woman actually I am not considering myself but considering only the experience what I want to take refuge within as I've defined myself according to experiences instead of physical location and in fact according to reality with I am sharing with others as the physical.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to immediately and instantly stop when I realize the self-dishonesty within my starting point and actions - by wanting to 'walk through the self-dishonesty' to directly face the consequences - instead of being absolutely self-honest with and as myself that actually I've walked this path already, I am aware of where this goes if I fool-love this path, it is not me, it is not lasting, it is not what I really want, therefore it is common sense to stop and re-align with myself according to self-honesty as living the principle of what is best for all.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that when I accept and allow a self-dishonesty within and as myself - by being aware of it - actually there is always a justification/excuse/denial with what I persuade myself that it's still cool, it might have the price of 'experience' what will last but actually never.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of realizing that I will be never really satisfied when going after women according to my sexual desire, because it is of a self-judgment coming from my past - when I never questioned myself and my mind, the validity of the experiences of my mind who I've defined myself to be since childhood through decades of continuous participation within thoughts/feelings/emotions by what I've validated the fact that once I trust to my own self-created, only self-experienced thoughts/feelings/emotions - I am not real because my starting point is of self-made up inner experiences.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize that experience is not who I am, experience is what I've made up in order to justify to remain constantly occupied within and as my mind based on the self-definitions I've accepted and allowed myself to physically become.

 So I am walking through some points in my life wherein I've gave into the temptation of being mesmerized and paralyzed and absolutely occupied with experience regarding to sexual desire for woman. Within my blog, I've wrote quite some times about my sexual desire and the suppression of it and the inner reactions what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself, that actually I've never walked this point through by facing the core of self-dishonesty : being alone not being able to become who I really am, what I've defined as hollow because I've allowed this world's programming as myself: I need somebody to fulfill me because if every fucking programs in this world stating this then it must be like that, right? if billions of flies like eating shit, then shit must be real cool, same with those shitty famous pop music, right?

 If every second radio station plays those 20 times a day, they must be cool, right? Even when I hate that song, I can sing it easily, even when I am unaware of it, I sing it's melody, oh shit, why I love that song, because did I hear it 9999 times and I allowed my thoughts and feelings to react to it and who I've defined myself to be is this inner reaction system by completely disregarding the physical wherein my body actually lives...
So in this world, in this times, one can not have the excuse and justification of: but this is what everybody says so, acts so, strives for, pays for, dies for, so why do I even resist?

 Self-honesty, because I see that I am the creator of me, I've created myself as layer upon layer within my mind about who I am, what is my purpose and what I am hungry for as experience - noticing that disregarding my physical needs in terms of body and nurturing within actual caring - but being hungry for energetic experiences, even when it is just an experience what requires intense side work to have, even when I have to disregard my physical reality for a while, even when I have to lie to myself, even if I have subject-ize other fellow humans just because they have a genital what I've defined I am required for being 'satisfied'.

Some guys around me ask me sometimes, why I am still forgiving myself, why not just forgive yourself and then just go and enjoy? Well, because it's like a thread - I pull a string and it's just coming and coming out, the threads of self dishonesty within me - and actually the whole shirt of me is of 'self-dishonesty' what I wear as mind as myself and I can not throw out the whole stuff, because at the moment it is me, my skin, my blood, the whole package, self-honesty and self-dishonesty all together - and it is only possible one by one - and if I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest about a point within me - a desire, a fear, an anxiety or a discomfort or simply a 'disregard' for other fellow humans/lifeforms on Earth - so when I forgive - I unreveal a self-responsibility what I've abdicated since long time and the physical consequence is that I am here and automatically reacting within self-dishonesty - and actually when dropping the veil of a self-made up delusion - then it is possible that I will notice an other self-dishonesty within me, hidden behind the one I am actually forgiving - within and as my mind what I've accepted and allowed to be my god, believing the thoughts I experience as me, the feelings of happiness as me, the emotional shit as me - but in fact these are just internal feedback systems showing equal and one for me what I've accepted myself to became - a programmed energetic mind separated from the body, but requiring the energy of a physical body, using the physical energy of body yet disregarding physical by stating that love and experience is more real than the the actual human physical body and when experiencing loss and grief and sorrow, playing the dumb 'why me? why why why?'. and Then using this 'why' and reaction as an excuse for one is not standing up as all as equal as one as life within oneness and equality.

Even when many-many are walking an example how to deal with the mind within the consideration of 'What is best for all, really, really'. So that's what desteni people - destonians - walk - no more compromise, walking through the shit properly(even if it means many hours to walk through and give myself the gift of stopping, changing through and as the living Word as Self-forgiveness) once and for all - to make sure that within future expressions of ourselves - we are in align with the principle of 'what is best for all' - what is absolute self-honesty, but it is not just something what we can 'contemplate' / 'meditate' on - we have to walk the practical way wherein we ensure that we do not justify and suppress the shit we sit on as dumpheaps and call it as life.
There is no other way but becoming aware of our self-accepted consciousness system imprint on and as the physical - and self-forgiveness is here, free and effective within self-realization because we can mark the self-dishonesty points within ourselves with self-awareness and responsibility - to see when it comes again, who we really are, can we really change or we just say stuff but never stopping to reacting to the mind. The same mind within as energy as seeking positive as the World System Mind Consciousness of Money in the world seeking more revenue - the same - as long we do not realize this point is the same - we are but puppets of our self-dishonesty.

That after not really seeing successfully working and really caring relationships what last - everyone is of desire and hope and after all when one finds out, it's actually worse than being alone, then one will justify it until the last breath or until when brutal abuse happens, then being able to stop it and saying 'I did not know'...

So returning back to walking through being me the puppet of my self-dishonesty: The most relevant reactions coming up regarding to this are the followings:

-when I was kid and watching TV, deciding to want to have a beautiful woman as depicted in movies/novels/magazines.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that imagining my future and myself according to movies/novels/magazines about everyone can find their life-partner who with I will fulfill my desires and basically ensuring my experience of happiness what I've defined myself according to.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the starting point of media sharing images people to be attracted to is money and profit and no matter how I will react - it will be based on the starting point of people sharing media, what is of their need for money and within me reacting to these images and likenesses of depicted relationships and apparent beautiful experiences within human relationships, as to be with a woman for me - I'd even pay for getting this experience and then not realizing it that why I pay for things in this world because of this self-accepted lack of experience what I can transform into fulfillment by being affected and mesmerized by an image and likeness of a self-defined beautiful woman.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with the actual image and likeness of a woman about how walking with her would actually assist me and her within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tv and magazines and novels are shared and pumped into our money-based world system as products because of people's need for earning money - actually by imprinting the idea of lack and hollowness without being obsessed with a partner within our head and being addicted and reacted to and in fact lost within the experience of reaction towars my possible future partner or my current partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was a kid, my family grownup members did not know, were not aware of how actually they accepted and allowed the pre-programming and imprinting of me with these images and pictures and apparent needs and lacks within me by, through, and as TV/movies/magazines/novels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family grownups for the fuckup what I experienced and turmoil within I've lost myself for years finding out who I really am among these self-accepted desires, fears, needs towards the images what I've defined that I need me to fullfil me instead of realizing that I am here as physical, experience will not last.

 When and as I react to a movie or magazine or a novel etc with inner reaction of 'I want this too', or 'this looks like fun' or 'this is who I am' or 'this is who I need to be' or even defining it as 'it is cool' - I am actually responsible for my experience of desiring after woman and sex and relationship.

 When and as I am occupied within thoughts, feelings and reactions and reacting to these within and as myself - I am unprotected from my self-acceptance and allowance as who I've defined myself to be and not even being aware of it - so within realizing any thought I follow, within any feeling I wave myself into or any emotion I experience - I realize I am accepting myself to automatically reacting to what I've defined as I am not aware of it, yet I am responsible for the physical consequence.

When and as I define a woman as attractive, I realize that it is because I've defined and formed who I am and who I want to become within human system, according to my and my perception of others experience based on reacting to novels/magazines/movies, so I realize this self-definition towards a woman as 'attractive' is basically irrelevant in the perspective of practicality and process of self-honesty therefore participating within such a self-creation actually I am the only one who is responsible and will face the consequence.

When and as I judge a woman as not sexually attractive for me - I realize it is because of this mind what I've gave permission within and as me as thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me that she is not attractive for me because of how I've programmed myself towards being attracted to specific details like eye, face, body shape, hip/waist ratio and especially the clothes(or the lack of clothes).

See? So many point, a whole network is already being alive within me without me really needing to be present, just being reacted to and automatically reacting to images and pictures, as I've accepted myself to become.

When and as I react to a clothe on a woman as defining it attractive or arousing or exciting or any way I have an inner reaction according to polarity and not physical facts, I stop, I realize this is the moment when I can be self-honest and let all go and remain inner silent and act within trusting myself without thoughts, feelings and emotions.

-when I was with A. in basic school and how others judged her and me as two being special as 'good learners' and how I reacted to this and towards A. within energetic reaction 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others judgment within the fear that I can not see myself objectively within self-honesty but I do require others who's judgements I can react to and by that experiencing who I am and how I am.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've decided not to stand all alone within human system without being needed to be defined and judged by others because I've also defined myself as somebody who requires to judge instead of realizing that the starting point of any inner judgment based on any perception is self-dishonesty.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good learner instead of realizing that this just a label what people judged me and my bench-mate with because they allowed to judge people according to 'school scoring' and their reaction to school scoring - and not realizing that reacting to myself according to how I judge them about how they judge me is obviously an oblivion to live within and as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as great by others because by that and only when I can have an inner reaction of judging myself as 'great' - to overbalance the energetic mind within myself as 'negative' with 'positive' by believing that this energetic mind of positive and negative I've defined as myself who I really am instead of realizing that it is only my self-acceptance and allowance for abusing who I really am as physical life by superimposing experiences within and as me and disregarding reality here.

When and as I realize I want to be judged by others - in any way whatsoever regardless of how - actually I am stating to Existence as myself that I can not stand alone with my beliefs, so please somebody else would confirm me that my beliefs are real, because by myself alone I am still seeing that my beliefs are unreal, but with an other telling me that my beliefs are real, I actually could believe in basically whatever I want, whatever I need to see myself to be pleased by myself in order to hide who I really am.

 -when others made fun of me because I did not know hat is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what others know and wanting to be like them to not to be judged by others as 'I do not know what they now' and thinking and reacting to with 'I am inferior' instead of realizing that it is just their knowledge what they believe to be themselves and if I start to worry about all what I do not know, actually I am worrying about what is not real, participating within what is not real, and in fact I am being influenced and directed by what is not real but only an experience and when the experience is gone, I will be faced with the consequence of defining myself according to what is not real.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a girl to come to me and give to me what I want because that I've dreamed about who I am and what I would deserve. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the idea when a woman approaches me and telling me that she is interested in me because it was the most possible way for me as a kid to have interaction with woman - because I never did anything to face my desires but always worked on suppressing it as myself - and the only hope I could keep up within me that one day one woman would realize my values and she would discover and 'get' me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined approaching woman and tell her that I desire after her as avoidable because of possible outcomes of such an act I've defined not worthy, because when I would get rejection then I would be sure that I am worthless for her, and because if I could get acceptance then I would not know what to do next because all I cared about to 'get' the woman but then what - not realizing that who I've became is this hope and want for 'getting' woman - and without it actually being unsure what to do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that thinking about a woman is self-dishonesty - because thinking requires such an abstraction what if I step to do, I am reacting within me apparently towards her according to my already-accepted self-dishonesty as the steps of the thinking, what if I would dare to slow myself down and see really what I am participating within such as accepting my past-based definitions, my reactions, energetic movements within me, the memories, pictures, emotional highs and downs and it is basically nothing more but business - energy in, energy out, energy high, energy down and in fact nothing 'real' 'business' is happening with actually the subject of my thinking ('a woman') - as a real, physical being, only what I do is judging my already self-accepted judgments (as who I defined myself to be).

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see woman not according to how they express themselves in terms of practical living in this world but only because of my desire to have a woman who can stand in this world with me for long term.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my judgment of woman actually I am caring only about myself by considering my own experiences only.

 When and as I want to be judged or not wanting to be judged by anyone - I realize I've formed relationship within and as me according to thoughts, memories and energetic highs and downs within and as me and wanting to re-live, re-experience this relationship within and as me to have that reaction of energy to feel me alive because who I am actually without any feelings I am doubting myself that I might not be real.

 When and as I act according to others judgment or appreciation or dislike - I realize I am moving as a puppet according to my self-accepted mind as who I've defined myself to be through and as the continuous participation within thoughts, feelings and emotions since my emergence from childhood, so I stop, I re-align myself with and as the physical and let go all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and breathing here and acting here as physical within common sense.

 okay, next time in this topic, I will continue with these memories specifically especially how I give permission to what I've already defined as myself as self-acceptance what is in fact not practical and I've already walked it and am aware of it is not what I really want but within the actual 'flood' of experience within me - I disregard all my 'realizations' for a moment - what can not be accepted as excuse anymore.

 -when I was a kid and playing with my niece about exploring sexuality 

-when others made fun of me because I did not know what is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch 

-when defining myself being in love towards E., a girl in basic school one year younger and never really talking to her directly but as voices in my head 

-when finding and watching grandpa's sex videos and wanting to figure out wtf is this and why I am being stimulated to and how to boost my inner reactions to the degree of disregarding physical constantly 

-when talking to a girl in a lake first time and she was open and kind to me and the only I was able to focus that she was half naked and her tits -when going to boating with the neighbor Latina(gipsy) in bikini and how I did not do anything but suppressed it and justified 

-when in the tent I was with M and had desire but never allowed to show -when reacting to B-s cameltoe in high school and when she sat onto my thighs and being scared that she would realize how much I was aroused to her 

-when falling love at university to a girl who gave her attention to me and by that already defining it as desirable especially when judging her according to my already-existing desires based on pictures and memories as mesmerizing and arousing

 -when defining energy as my life-fuel instead of realizing that this energy I experience within my mind is seeping of from the physical body actually depleting it as who I am as physical life. 

-when falling apparent 'love' as inner experiences towards my later on wife at university and all the struggle I had regarding to this meanwhile I abdicated myself entirely

Okay, for now that's it, thanks for reading!

I am going to continue with an apparently 'other' thread 'abdicating self-responsibilities' - because that is currently bugging me the most as it has an impact on my physical body, especially as manifested pain in my right shoulder - but that is just an other pillar within me as self-acceptance as self-dishonesty what must be written out, understood, walked through, forgiven, re-defined within common sense and physically stopping participating within it and exploring what means living beyond self-dishonesty to actually take responsibility for myself as creation and the world as creation as equal as one within oneness and equality.

[JTL] Day 8 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART IV.

 In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

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http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com

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I've defined my goal to get a magnificent and dream-tale-like beautiful woman and actually I am realizing to get it - it is possible - but then what the fuck about all my life which through I've defined myself as this 'fighting for my goal' - and when it's actually here then no more fighting but reached my self-defined "destination".

Destination as who I wanted to be but then what?

Then I continue from where I dropped myself to be undefined - a tiny kid - lol
and then no more goal but innocent self-exploration as the joy of simply I am myself as I am here
but that joy then I define myself with this experience of having me returning to innocence where innocence as not needing this nasty mind at all...

Because we are all know that being in the mind somewhere feels nasty really shitty really fucked up internal cage we rage within but we know that we do not get out as who we really are without the mind but within and as being able to represent ourselves within our so called society wherein really one can participate effectively when we are within and as the mind otherwise we can easily be an outcast, a disregarded or simply just literally destroyed by all others within and as the mind(as our human system does as us) so when I think and I am not totally obsessed with the topic as energetic storm within - then I feel this nastiness, what makes me feel a littlebit dirty even after a great orgasm experience when I was not myself as starting point without any knowledge, memory, picture, feeling, thought, emotion - this is really the red pill: Self-honesty.

From movie The Matrix wherein you once start to be honest with yourself - then within self-delusion
there is no more - real joy - what really means it never was but we perceived it to be.

And it is not about neglecting or disregarding joy - it is simply a decision walking really as not lieing to ourselves anymore and that means some self-dishonesty we start realize within our currently manifested creation as our individual physical life and our individual inner experiences and of course the currently manifested consequences within physical reality by our participation/actions.

Or to put it more simply - we start to realize our responsibility - and it's like I have a family(existence) who are starving(~a billion) and if I work I could have food but I am sitting here and drinking alcohol and feel better and shitty at the same time poisoned with this never-ending waving of positive and negative experiences - what are and how we perceive them as ourselves - not real and how the physical world IS reality.

and re-defining joy what is best for all
and re-defining life what is best for all
and re-defining ourselves as what is best for all

It is like in one breath I realize I am in a maze from reality and there is only one compass and that is self-honesty - and everything is based upon this - how self-honest I can be - that's it, all other of me are really irrelevant, whoever or whatever I was or will be - but if this fails, everything fails as me - but if I dare to be Self-honest with and as myself in all moments, then I can be sure that I am me who I really am - otherwise if I allow any dishonesty within myself, towards anything - then by that and as that I am of and as this consciousness system within what I am in a relationship and in fact limited by and as this relationship as who I've manifested myself to become within and as this physical reality.

Self-responsibility to get and realize our location - what is realizing our self-here-awareness within and as mind consciousness system, what we currently accepted and allowed ourselves to became.
And that location is simply manifested ourselves as our human physical body within and as who we are within and as this physical reality within equality and oneness.

And that is our location and when we fall into and as the mind, we stand up and re-aligning ourselves with and as principle as physical location and act within and as Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to inner experiences and disregarding physical reality what is the most stable manifestation of ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to goal and purpose and without that defining myself as innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as innocence meanwhile having reasons and excuses and justifications of currently why and how and based on what circumstance I am not innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being who I am simply without any character and realizing that I had the fear that without playing roles and acting characters of and as the mind I can not have a partner who I've defined to be as my 'goal' and 'purpose'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed the excuse that I need to be screwed up in order to have these energetic experiences within and as me what I've defined as then 'I am alive through these energetic movements' - what is simply self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined goals in my life what if I react or fullfil - I can be innocent and myself again but until that I am wearing this self-definition of and as the mind to get what I want within and as the mind within and as the human consciousness system wherein all are interconnected and interactive as Mind Consciousness Systems.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I've defined worth and value of women according to how I've defined outer beauty of a human according to the judgments and associations I've allowed myself to be defined through and as thoughts, feelings, emotions - with what I've idolized and totemized women as goal, as a tool for power, as what I deserve according to who I've defined myself to be since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider physical equality within human interaction according to principle of 'what is best for all' - by always striving for fulfilling my wants and needs and desires what are constantly popping up within and as my mind showing to myself equal and one with what I've accepted and allowed myself to identify myself according to starting point as fear of 'remaining alone, powerless' as self-definition and self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've made up a maze within and as my head by defining goals to reach and until that goal I can not define as 'fulfilled' - I am defined by and as this seek for this goal and by and as this definition I am limited by my own self-definition what is according to the 'feeling of lack of ...' what I've defined that it is me but manifested as somebody else and without that I've defined myself to be flawed, hollow and as 'something is missing' - meanwhile what is really missing is to experience myself here as who I am as Self-honesty within action.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined woman's pussy as my ultimate goal with what I can rejuvenate and rebirth myself as this energetic experience being me within this internal and self-defined relationship with pussy and the being who has the pussy but firstly defined the whole relationship according to pussy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman's genital and not realizing that by and as this definition I've limited myself and by that limitation I've manifested frustration within and as myself instead of realizing that everything what I experience as separated from me and I construct desire after it - is based on a self-dishonesty what was the starting point as already existing relationship within and as myself and the subject with what I've defined myself to be through and as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've become obsessed with the pussy instead of realizing that the starting point of being obsessed with pussy was the energetic experience what I can have with it by my inner reactions and by the physical participation within sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard physical reality and within all beings by defining my experiences as more valid and real and interesting than reality what I am sharing with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my inner experiences regarding to pussy and sex and inner energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the 'intensity' of energetic experiences within and defining myself as one is striving for compounding energetic experiences within and by and as that energy movement within and as me - I've defined myself who I am as this continuous interaction within mind-relationships according to associations and memories and emotions and the positive and negative polarities within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic movements being experienced by and as participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions and defining myself who I am according to the outer circumstances by and as I am having these energetic movements within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that specifically I've defined beauty as something what is physically separated from me and wanting to experience this beauty I've defined it according to and through and as women - and by that defining my experience of beauty according to women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the lack of energy for not experiencing woman and beauty as myself and by that defining myself as goal and purpose as becoming the person being able to have access to this beauty directly, physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being worthless and nobody when not being able to experience this fulfillment within and as the mind as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to relationships within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from beauty by definitions, I can only experience beauty through and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the mind to be able to interact with all other minds existing within this world because directly without the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, energetic experiences - when I was kid, I was unable to directly experience because of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed fear to be the starting point in my life to build up who I perceived myself to be, and not realizing that this fear is always here as I've defined myself and who I am and who I've became according to all definitions, within what the fear is still accepted and allowed as starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've lost patience for getting what I want directly, therefore I've manifested this system within me what with I can perceive that I am skipping my own self-responsibility for what I am and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the existing fear within and as me is already of and as the mind what with I've started to explore this world as I've beeing taught so by those who I've trusted more I've trusted myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the inner energetic experiences within me are related to the world system of money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself inferior towards to this physical existence as I've perceived it as much-much-much bigger and greater and stronger than me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that feeling smaller and tiny regarding to physical existence is because of knowledge or self-defined lack-of knowledge of what is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information and knowledge as value instead of realizing that physical reality is existing here regardless of information and knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the ability and experience of thinking, feeling, having emotions - what are not lasting experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all what I've defined myself to strive for as woman, money, fame, power - are of and as information and knowledge about who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I've defined myself according to experience of lack of experience of something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as nasty, dirty as the mind when I am not absolutely Self-honest as these energetic experiences I am experiencing within and as my human physical body.

-
I commit myself to stop all relationships within and as my mind with and by I've defined myself to be and to be only.

I commit myself to develop a constant and consistent presence within I can exist without energy, without any definition.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed and stop being obsessed with wanting to define myself not being obsessed with pussy.

I commit myself to share and show how exactly we fucked up ourselves with and as the mind by using it as a tool for hiding and avoiding to face ourselves from Self-honesty and Self-responsibility.

I commit myself to walk here as the physical and let go all what I've defined as I lack of.

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to beauty and stop defining myself to not being beauty and then needing to have somebody who I can define as myself as beauty.

I commit myself to slow down and breath and see the mind and when it moves, to absolutely stop and let it go and re-aligning myself with and as the physical reality.

When and as I experience fear - I stop, I breathe, I realize I am self-defined according to previously self-accepted definitions - what are of and as self-dishonesty, what is my self-responsibility, what I simply STOP and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to self-dishonesty.

When and as I give up who I am, when and as I change myself or pretending myself to be not as who I am to get what I want, especially woman, woman's attention, woman's body, woman's pussy - I stop, I realize I experienced myself as starting point as fear and the whole self-automated thing is for not needing to experience this fear as self-dishonesty.

When and as I realize I am not absolutely self-honest - I realize I will always have friction and conflict within me until I do not dare to explore what means to remain absolute self-honest in all moments breath by breath.


---
So I am going to continue with my real time events since childhood according to women and how specifically I was responsible and self-dishonest by walking through my first relationships with women and how I've defined myself to be according to that and how my origin point as fear and self-dishonesty was suppressed by and as these intensified experiences and forgiving myself for the specific self-dishonesties what I came up with and resonantly still being responsible for as being influenced by.

Relationship Success Support @ EQAFE

[JTL] Day 7 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART III

[In the last posts, I was writing about how I've became addicted to pleasing woman and without woman how I compromise my wholeness by definition -  now digging deeper how I've defined myself to be from childhood according to this and taking responsibility and walking back to Earth from Mind. Because others might not see within what I am self-dishonest about, but I can see within writing and then no more excuse but to walk the process until I am here undefined constantly]

Check out the Journey to Life blogs:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.

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So when I was kid, I was thin, white and others judged me as weak, ugly and I've defined myself according to that.
I've noticed that some other guys are developing huge muscles on their bodies and becoming very strong physically - meanwhile myself not - and also seeing that women tend to be attracted to muscular guys - who I was not.
My body was always here to transform it to be more athletic and muscular but at very early stage of my life I've realized that I can think smarter and faster than most of the other kids around me, so I've been occupying myself with thinking to not needing to realize that meanwhile others define physical body and outfit as more important, I've defined inner experiences more than the human physical body.

Somehow as being a kid, already I've decided many points within my future how it will lay out as I grow up, for instance there was a self-definition point like: I will have one of the most beautiful women because that I need and that would fit to who I am.

Also I realized that within my physical expression I was like a beetle, not even being able to speak aloud properly, because I never really had the strength - in fact the will and motivation - to stand out and get what I want, rather than I was fantasizing, I was thinking and basically daydreaming about women and power - and it was 'cool' because I was by myself within apparently and noone could directly influence that within me, so by that inner reaction system I've defined myself to be - because as I stepped among other humans, I was unable to direct myself as I wanted to - because I was reacting to so many things what I've defined within automatically - being lost in the experience among others and then going alone and being shameful how I did not do what I wanted was the program for many years.

Also this money point was very prominent as my family had not much, we were doing tricks in the system to get some stuff for 'free' for instance scavenging cornfields and I saw that my family members became system survivors, what I wanted to avoid, and in that time in basic school, if I did think or do the math faster than others, then the teachers loved me, they were exceptionizing with me and for me it was very easy, as I was doing this intense thinking and being logical all the time anyways, so I got rewarded from school and also my mother loved me apparently more when I took home better scores and she also said that if I do not want to end up in factory standing line work all week like her, I should finish schools and get a degree to have a 'dreamjob'.

And programming computers was always easy for me because the same way I've programmed myelf according to circumstances and I extensively enjoyed that there is no much emotional side effect as I had with other humans - and then what I did with computers, then other humans appreciated it - more like they did when I was doing 'being social' directly only.

And somehow woman was the point wherein all my mind just melted down and became very excited and unpredictable as I defined experience with woman more than being myself self-directive here.

And the whole thing was about skipping and disregarding the physical reality.
Because within reality, I felt myself like this wobbling, unsure, weak boy meanwhile inside I felt like I am invincible and very clear about my desires and dreams.
But the physical reality to not really 'get in' into my inner reality - I had to constantly be occupied with thoughts, feelings, emotions - what was after a time always too much, so I had to let it go, I had to learn techniques to not be scared shitless from facing reality, so I've intensified inner experiences simply repeating them, like thinking the same thought-thread again and again and again, literally becoming obsessed and possessed by and as myself.

I was also afraid to become like my elder family members who seemed to be quite lost in surviving versus entertainment - however this constant need for entertainment stimulation is still defining and moving me since - also the surviving personality sometimes if I am not aware of - I am re-living physically, when the fear kicks in of 'if I do not fight for my life, I might be pushed down'

It's like if I work hard, I expect entertainment and joy automatically, like a reward, and it is no matter that the reward is of and as reality or it is just perception, like later on for instance "taking" a mushroom trip to other dimensions meanwhile I could not pay the bills.

Also regarding to women the point of emotions is very important as who I've defined myself as somebody who do not need emotions, those are just of weakness, and if even I had emotional reaction, I've developed an ability to immediately suppress upcoming emotions in a microsecond, so it was like a silent shout for a moment and then I am clear again, suppressed, diverted the whole energetic reaction deep down into my human physical body.
What I did not realize that the body is for storing information and programmes also and by suppressing emotions basically I was building up and growing my suppressed part of me - what was always also here to influence me as subconscious, unconscious mind, meanwhile within my conscious mind I was constantly busy to think and think and generate energy by thinking and by that energy, thinking more, and when it was like waving energies within, what would transform into emotions, then I just suppressed them again and pretending to be 'clear'.

And also I've defined women according to emotions while judging them and in fact having an inner reaction as fear from becoming tainted with this emotion if I would be with woman and being influenced and reacted to.
In a way, it is quite an energetic rush - and I've defined energetic intensity as great, because when it is great, it is washing me from physical presence into and as this self-generated experience - and by and as it, (and later on the memories and feelings to it) I was not this 'screwup' who I've defined myself to be within the physical.

So then I was dependent on women to define myself great.
But until 18 I was unable to face women because I was already introduced to porn and masturbation and after a while, by self-definition - in the presence of a woman who I've defined attractive(according to previous judgments), I've become extremely aroused and excited what I judged as shameful and I had always the huge fear that if I look into the eye of a woman, she might see that I am so attracted to that I almost fall apart, so I had this red color on my face when looking to a woman and feeling very inhibited because wanting to stop being exposed of how much I am being stimulated.

That changed only at university, when my will-be-partner started to make me drink shots to be able to speak with me - so by that energetic experience I started to let go inhibition and allowing myself to speak directly with woman.
So then I turned to alcohol, my father was already gone because he abused himself with alcohol too much, so it was always two-bladed - one inhibition-desire fear-change and also my mother always was worried that I would become like my father, abused and eventually destroyed by alcohol.
But it had price, my stomach could not handle it so I had problems and then after university I've been introduced to smoking marijuana what was very-very interesting how effected my mind, so I started to do that, meanwhile my current 'marriage' did not really work, we did not live together, we started to be different, wanting different things, so then we split, and then I started to head on psychedelics, to boost experience more and more within me to the outmost degree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am still reacting to experiences and events what are long gone and I am not even aware of these in the moment when I react for instance shouting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my family values as surviving and cheating within the system at all cost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself about who i am according to my shape of my human physical body as being white and thin as undesirable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from letting go of all pre-programming and standing 'naked' so to speak in the moment, every moment always here with no stepping back ever but pushing self here breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to other's judgments regarding to my body as weak and ugly because they shouted at me many times I've reacted to and I've defined myself according to this and limited myself by remembering to it at occasions automatically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by thinking I can manipulate the physical world around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to be powerful without woman as self-presence as power that I was searching for and for get the woman who I wanted I had to develop certain type of self-presence characters anyway to stimulate them with my energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I intensify inner experiences until I do not experience anything else, that not means actually I am escaping from reality and consequences, I only procrastinate facing myself by not considering the physical in every moment equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define computers as more preferable and more 'direct-able' than humans because with computers I do not have emotional interference and not realizing that in fact this emotional interference is accepting my self-dishonesty within me regarding to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being natural and myself with woman because fearing they might see within me how much I can be aroused by her but in fact by my judgments about her and my reactions to my judgments based on past judgments what are not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I objectified and subjectified women within and as my self-definition system to be value and some sort of property by with I can have an apparent power and value so by that I would be able to develop real power and value.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined woman's power as how much sexual pleasure I can make with her and how much she would like to be exhibicionist in terms of being actor on camera.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to being aroused to picture and sound presentations of woman, especially woman who is enjoying sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my purpose is to do as much sex as possible to work with these enormous energies and learn them to use and play with - instead of realizing that this is one aspect of me only, what must be equalized with all parts of my life instead of being obsessed with parts of me time to time based on reactions to circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define woman according to how I judge her face as beautiful and regarding to that by even looking at generating a feeling of energetic pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mesmerized by a woman's face regardless of what she is doing and saying by defining her according to the picture what I've predefined within me so I unconditionally judge her as mesmerizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being stopped being mesmerized from time to time by woman's face who I can define as mesmerizingly beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of practically seeing how and what I really want regarding to woman and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a woman who I can stimulate myself with anytime I want with this mesmerizing beauty-ness, even by disregarding her who she is in physical but only regarding the picture.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness according to beautiful woman, being with beautiful woman and especially when self-defined as 'beautiful' woman is paying attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that wanting woman paying attention to me is coming from when I was a little kid and wanting my mother to pay attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to how much I can disregard my human physical body by thinking and feeling and being emotional about something.

..to be continued with self-forgiveness within specificity and self-correction statements.

[JTL] Day 6 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART II

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http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

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Continuing my last post about how I've limited my starting point to be with women

[I will continue with walking through wanting to be self-defined as energetic addiction from restraining my impulses about physical reality and projecting out that women need me, and in fact/indeed women to be needed by me lol]

Definitely the woman-pleaser personality must be dealt before engaging into an other agreement. One can ask what problems could arise from pleasing my partner as much as I can - well, it is simply energy - if I do it for a reason, I am the slave of that reason.

As if I have a belief why I should do it, then I accept myself as religous, be-lie-wing that is what I am, what I should do based on my original imprints regarding to women, what I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be and then physically acting that out according to outer circumstances.

Because in the moment I stop pleasing, the experience is gone.

It is my drug - pleasing woman because then I am getting high with her - because defining myself being high according to my partner, simply defining myself according to my partner's current mind-state - and if it is not what I've defined as joy, as this almost like 'pure' mind-energy what is re- and re-occuring within and as myself as a self-created experience.
And by that high, being able to please more and wheeling the whole thing to the point wherein experience and reaction to experience washes everything away and then that is our happiness.

But if my partner is not like that, she might be confused, and fall apart because when this drug is in effect within her, the she is high, and when not, then she is down.

And then my partner is being conditioned to my pleasing so she will need me, so then I will be able to continue pleasing my partner and experiencing my partner being pleased, I am also pleased.

That's why I went into drugs, to substitute this energetic high, and when with my partner(s)(ex) I was unable this energetic workout to maintain, who I've defined myself to be according to energy and experience, so then I was able to sense reality what is not a very pretty picture and becoming high from that for me is not possible, so I fell into the temptation of energetic manipulation through substances.

Because for not get reality into my head requires TONS of mind-energy to bubble and divert myself from what is really, physically here.

Because when I was kid, I just could not handle reality, many abuse I witnessed in my family; in the world, I was scared shitless for entering the current human world system as I had no REAL EDUCATION back there to realize the basic principles of Equality and Oneness within and as everything and how we are missing life directly here when we go into fool-love-ing thoughts and feelings and emotions, what do not last but of and as external and internal conditions and defining myself to be according to these conditions, circumstances and eventually becoming the slave of my own beliefs and I was not aware of the Desteni tools as Self honesty, Self forgiveness, Self corrective statements to stop participate within self-beliefs, about how I create energetic entities within and as my head, about love is this experience of being high for instance, what is of and as Self-dishonesty, fear.

So I've made up things as everyone else did so around me and then I got used to that and then decades passed like that and then I am here responsible for who I've accepted myself to physically become.

And pleasing is NOT 'bad' - but who we are as starting point has consequence, this time for me within sexual relationships for totemizing energetic high mind-states - instead of equal physical support and care, considering all participants for long-term and considering all as equals physically, practically.

In the next post, I dig deeper for why I've created this character of me to live me instead of me being directly always here.