[JTL 19] Choice. The problem is choice.

Journey to Life, writing and sharing within self-honesty day 19.

This is supporting as context:

• Locating your own power
• Forcing change with energy vs living
• The design of thoughts

Yesterday I was observing myself how and why I accept myself within inner conflict.

It looks like whenever I am perceiving some sort of choice - I take my time within between the possibilities - I am trying to figure out what would be the best to choose. And that I am processing. And processing. And meanwhile I am making it as a Conventional warfare - the two armies marching up on a hill slowly and then looking at each other for a while and then after some deep sighs - and the battle begins and I am in the middle of it.
Each pros and cons has their own energetic value and on the battlefield what is my mind I diminish because I am busy with giving the space and time for making the apparent best decision.

Yesterday it was a bit different however, because in this specific situation - I want both - I do not want to choose, I want to have it all but it is not possible as I am in fact forced to choose by myself because fearing from consequences. In this current scenario for me to have an easy context: Woman. Relationship. Sex. But first things first:

Remembering from Matrix II:

'Choice. The problem is choice.'

 Literally. The problem is that I perceive any choice within myself - because who I really am is not a choice - if it would be - I could choose something what is not really me. It doesn't work like that. I always and certainly DO or don't DO things regardless of the inner conflict of pros and cons. Regardless of my perception about I do have a choice and that is being decided by my thoughts, feelings, emotions - those are predictable - so even if I am not aware of the starting point and the consequence of participating within 'my' 'internal feedback system' - I must admit: it is still what it is - having these energetic reactions what are like numbers and equations and with my mind I am solving this 'homework' and then I get to a conclusion and then I define myself as 'free' because by those limited and predictable self-created and self-compounded energetic participation within self-dishonesty as a matrix of self-judgments I am doing the same what computers do: compute because here where I stand within my self-created complicated system I can not directly see what I want, what I am, so I use this system within and in fact as me to make the apparent choice by processing all information and meanwhile within the perception of the ability to choose, I feel better - I feel that my 'life' is in my 'hands' and I can decide things by myself.
And the reality is way far from it.
Because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the definition of myself from what I am here physically, I do have an extra layer between myself and physical reality wherein I can pretend to become knowledge and information and by having a certain way to judge my information(what is also in fact self-definition as knowledge and information) I am clinging on to not make decisions in the moment directly by simply being aware of who I am and what I want and what I do not want - that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide behind layers of regulations, rules, exceptions, judgments, excuses and justifications to simply be able to 'have some time' experiencing myself as apparently I am not directly responsible, I can choose regardless of the exact circumstances and the pre-programmed current state of myself by and as, through and surrounded by thoughts, feelings and emotions, memories, reactions, energetic movements etc.

Alright, I start with this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself when I accept and allow conflict within and as me because this is what was being taught by the family I've grown up physically within, this is who I've defined myself to be when started to mimic, imitate, and that's why I've copied and unquestionably repeated the same pattern throughout my entire life until this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever questioning the participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions because all I've ever known and seen by humans around me is the same so I've judged them and I've judged myself that this is who we are, this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I stop expressing myself even for a moment - I am processing within because all the layers I've accepted and allowed myself to define who I am is so complicated that I can not see through, I can not directly experience myself here and why would I need to split myself and wanting to make the best choice according to my previously accumulated thoughts, feelings and emotions when it is obvious now already that these are conditional, not constant as the physical is and whenever I've followed them instead of directly trusting myself here and even if making a some sort of mistake(meaning judging myself with a more deeply existing layer of self-definition and personality-matrix-rule as 'bad'), simply directly as Self without any separation or seclusion or split - always trusting myself here and keep expressing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined interesting and intense to observe battles and wars within the current human systems - yet judging it as 'disgusting' because in fact humans killing humans in the name of self-righteousness and never realizing that in fact I am doing the same within and as my human physical body by participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions by deluding myself with the perception of choice what I make by this invisible energetic warfare as equal as one: what is within is what is with out.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the most practical way to stop battling myself is to write everything down, out and putting all what I 'contain' and represent, perceive and experience by and as words and then I can directly see, realize, experience what actually I am doing in one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this self-delusion about apparent choices to actually 'steal some time' for being able to define myself within a secluded and limited mind-container where within I have the self-definition of I am not directly responsible, I can do whatever I want, I can make my own life to happen, I am the director of my life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ALWAYS be aware that regardless of what I do or don't do: I am always equally and entirely responsible for what I do or don't do within and as this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually being aware of that I am doing this conflict within myself and step by step preparing myself and accumulating myself to the point of battling and the solution would be not accepting myself as conflict within, but immediately stop, and re-align myself with and as direct physical presence and expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that it is not a choice to give up conflict within me but wherein I've accumulated myself to be to experience myself by the thoughts, feelings, emotions currently - I am not aware of that I am in fact already stopping myself within conflict by becoming aware exactly what I am doing and the reason I do is the energetic reaction within what makes me stressed, anxious and frustrated simply because of the irritation towards myself that I still do not trust myself right here in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within decision and facing directly the consequences because of the resonant fear from making mistakes and the responsibility what I want to avoid for the consequences because if I would so then I would face that I cannot really accept myself as the way I've accepted and allowed myself to be and then I would have to change, entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because then I do not know what will happen, I do not know what I will do, I can not judge the future myself because that I've never walked actually, physically, and that makes me face the fact that until this point I was unable to really, absolutely, entirely trust myself within and as the moment because of the addiction towards Self-judgments, towards in fact Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have never ever accepted and allowed myself to trust Self-honesty as myself directly here in every moment of every breath because that can not be judged, can not be predicted, can not 'create a time-space within my mind wherein I can delude myself with the lack of responsibility' and the 'delusion of I can skip facing the consequences for what I've became, what I am doing, what I am not doing' within and as existence.

I forgive myself that I have never actually allowed to forgive myself really, physically, entirely, irreversibly by making the absolute, unwavering, unchanging, consistent decision to stop something within and as myself no matter what about transcendence points I already investigated, researched, assessed, cross-referenced and it is already clear that unless I do not make this 'leap of faith within and myself as eternity as life' - I will run in circles facing the same points again and again and again and the system what I am currently accepting and allowing myself to be (perceived) will compound, accumulate and direct me into circumstances wherein the truth of me will be more and more obvious until I really change.

This I can say 'problem', because within accepting and allowing myself to be as I've just explained - is not what is best for me and it is clearly not what is best for all. So I simply breathe and let myself to re-align myself with the principle of what is best for all within equality and oneness as life regarding to this point as myself as equal as one as existence without any self-judgment, with no else reason or interest but who I really-really am as Life.

When and as I notice that I am walking towards conflict - I stop, I re-align myself with and as myself as moment as breath as human physical body as expression and I realize it is deliberate, it is actually myself accumulating energetic inner reactions by thoughts, feelings and emotions what will conclude and direct me into conflicts within I have to process through myself of layers of Self-accepted Self-dishonesty because within the moment of being lost within Self-judgments I am unable to directly see who I really am and what is best for all.

When and as I realize that I am uncertain about myself or something within myself - I stop, I breathe, I realize it is because I participate within thoughts and feelings and emotions which by I am unable to trust myself in and as moment directly and that is not directly what is the best for all, so I literally stop within, I rel-align myself with and as my human physical body as breathing, as expressing and remain undefined even if it means that I do the 4 count breathing.

When and as I start the 4 count breathing and thoughts arise, I stop to participate, I realize each time I accept and allow a thought within that by accepting and allowing a singular thought, it is accumulating into losing my physical and real presence - and in fact I as myself am accumulating myself into instability, into not practically changing but wanting to change yet not being absolutely and directly and simply practical within stopping myself.

When and as I accept a thought after accepting a previous thought, I realize I am in the pattern again with the justification of 'I am busy' 'I have to work all day', 'I do not have time for investigating and forgiving each singular thought' yet wanting to stop, becoming obsessed with the stopping without actually stopping and then I start to suppress, I start to become less and less aware of what I am actually doing because within the belief that when I am not aware of my thoughts, I am clear, I am real, and then I must write that out, each thought.

When and as I fear from actually taking my 'precious' time for investigating and stopping each singular thought because apparently I have dozens, hundreds, thousands - I realize and become aware without actually forgetting that I can accumulate Self-direction, Self-presence, Self-will and where I am here now experiencing myself is also the accumulation of the single mathematical equation of 1+1=2.

When and as I fear from spending my entire life on investigating singular thought manifestations as apparently I would have thousands of them still participating within - I realize that most of my thoughts are recurring, re-occurring, and there are a handful of original 'sins' what I repeat yet not being aware of it and using it as an excuse that how I could be aware of the starting point of each of my thoughts? Yet I've proven that it is actually possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that by fearing from not having time to do the things what I actually do because I would investigate and forgive and re-align myself with singular and connected thought manifestation - in fact I follow a pattern what I am directly aware of that is not really me but at this moment doing automatically without actual self-life-awareness.

When and as I use an excuse for why I do not write down the self-dishonesty I've been participating within my day or in the last day - I realize actually I accumulate two things:
-the self-acceptance within and as physically manifested self-dishonesty
-the accumulation of self-abdication, self-frustration of not standing up for and as myself as life unconditionally.

I commit myself to investigate all thoughts, feelings and emotions what is directing and 'taking the time' to process within any situation by applying self-honesty, writing and using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements.

I commit myself to investigate all excuses and justifications why I do not walk through resistances to really change and to really walk into and as direct moments here and remain undefined.

I commit myself to be able to immediately stop any inner reaction regarding to the perception of choice and scripting myself to specific physical circumstances to be able to have a structure and a support temporally for and as myself to remain undefined.

I commit myself to not fearing from remaining undefined as I've proven to myself already several times that the only thing I can trust is my human physical body remaining absolutely and clearly undefined within and as moment as me, breath as me by letting go all thoughts, all feelings and all emotions.

I commit myself to share my realizations about how and why thoughts, feelings and emotions are the poison of humanity regardless of any self-interest and the truth of our manifested consequence of accumulation within such self-dishonesty and the solution is in fact simply, direct, here to absolutely and entirely stop.


(Understand I do not say everyone should just do everything 'in the moment' without consideration of responsibility and consequences - for instance to start building a a mile long bridge without planning, structuring, effective practical pre-production - it is when one is allowing thoughts and feelings and emotions constantly and having uncertainty and the body is stressed and disregarded and the 'oh shit wtf now' experience is here for minutes/hours/days/years --- you know what I mean but if not, then write about it and see it for yourself.)

[JTL 18] Decomposing why defining people according to my interest part 1

Continuing on decomposing my relationships within and as me as self-judgments towards people who with I am automatically react according to how I've judged myself and them in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the people I am surrounded with because from who I get reflection about me is I allowed myself to define as me from the eye of them and believing that is me and without them I do not see myself as I want to or not want to as polarity system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with people who are kind to me and never questioning why they are kind in general or with me specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain people as avoidable because they judge me in a way what I judge as negative what I do not want to face, what I do not want to be aware of because they keep saying something to me what might be true or what might be right from the perspective of physical reality facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people around me as special and unique because this is the way I've judged them at a point and since there never questioning this judgment within and as me what makes me move automatically regarding to the relationship with words about these individuals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as kind and open with people because the way I've accepted myself to emerge since childhood I've defined myself as introverted and serious and by judging myself with the absolute opposite I think/believe/hope that how I judge myself in the moment is how really I am/I become and not realizing the polarity system as positive and negative and as long as I participate within one edge of the polarity swing - I am always in relationship with the other edge of the polarity and by that I am always conditioned by the original self-judgment projected towards the perceived 'myself' and the perceived 'others' what is not exactly as what I or them actually doing within and as the physical what is the unquestionably measurable fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from defining somebody as value or important to me and then not being in contact with the person because my self-definition value system is only becoming alive so to speak when I am in interaction with these self-judged people - or when I am thinking about them regarding to the judgments I've projected towards them within and as my mind apparently as them but in physical I am simply daydreaming what creates a gap between physical facts and my perception and by that the more I participate within the judgment - the more the change I will expect and by that the disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain specific people as 'waking up' or 'awakened' or 'enlightened' because their self-interest of seeking after really-really reality and never questioning my self-judgment once I've made it towards them and not realizing that as long as I separate people within and as my from me as equal as one as myself by judgments apparently separated from me - I am responsible for not being able to directly experience them as myself therefore the specific words with I've judged these individuals will determine the nature of the outcome of the physical relationship with them when we meet without me being aware of how this entails and how I've actually created the relationship based on self-judgment projected towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some people around me as funny and then not realizing that in fact my thoughts towards them I've defined as funny and projecting and sealing them with the 'funnyness' because that I've defined required from them and in fact determining the upcoming self-accepted judgments towards them by the inception of my self-dishonesty of defining them somehow according to a self-judgment projected towards them and then accepting this as myself and never ever questioning this anymore except when I make different judgments towards them and then for instance saying 'not funny today' or 'not funny anymore' and then not realizing the polarity within me and then not realizing why and how I automatically react towards them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself alone I remain only with my self-judgments towards myself what I've defined as 'negative' and 'not good enough' because how I acted I could not accept without judgments - and by the judgments I've faced myself as the way 'I do not like myself' and therefore I've seeked people who with I could manage to being defined as the opposite - and not realizing that within this polarity system I've carved myself into 'not really changing' because I've defined changing as going into a direction within this polarity system for instance towards positive or negative and as I've started to move within my mind towards the polarities - the self-definition system within and as me started to fall apart because then I could not define myself as I used to and that scared the shit out of me therefore I reacted with fear and in fact I never really changed physically, only within layers of self-judgments and excuses and justifications.

When and as I define somebody as good or bad - negative or positive - or kind or rude - I realize it is a self-reflection within and as me according to my already self-defined personality system of layers of self-definitions within the starting point of not trusting myself physically here as who I am without any thoughts, feelings, emotions - therefore I stop, I breathe, I let go as I participate within any polarity regarding to people.

When and as I participate within judgments towards people - I realize it is a self-judgment-projection what I can understand and explore if I reflect it back to and as myself as who I am as mind consciousness system suppressing physical breathing life.

I commit myself to drop the veil of all personalities because I've realized all those contain as self-judgments - within relationship towards another self-judgments and compartmentalize and seclude my self-accepted automatic reactions within specific physical circumstances.

I commit myself to slow down inside as breathing here as physical presence to be able to realize when and how and why I participate within any self-judgments - towards myself and towards others as well because it is clear that I do self-judgment as self-dishonesty because I could not trust myself eternally unconditionally here.

I commit myself to stop fighting inner reactions, thoughts, because it is the internal feedback system showing me equal and one what I've accepted and allowed myself to become and the solution is not be unattached, not suppressing, not occupying myself but to writing all out and forgiving myself, re-aligning myself and committing myself and re-scripting myself to physically change.

Walk Journey to Life as yourself - physical change is possible within Self-honesty!

[JTL 17] Respecting beliefs is respecting abuse part 1

Walking trough self-accepted delusions regarding the word RESPECT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of arguing with spirituals on that they actually claim that they are assisting and helping all beings with that they try to prove that the physical is originated from infinite time and space of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a hope for being able to push buddhists through their beliefs and when I say facts then I'm being told that I am negative and against their actual help for all beings and then I accept myself to lose my physical presence because then I am facing that I've put worth and value and trust within these beings by self-definition in my past and by that self-definition actually I try to fight my aspect of them with who I am as myself here and not realizing that my self-honest walk is here to let go all the self-definitions I still accept and allow within myself regarding to these humans and I realizing that I can not push them through, I do not need to - themselves as Life will sort delusions out, at least at the moment of physical death, so I should focus on remaining practical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself after taking the time to actually try to share common sense with these beings instead of realizing that wherein they are currently, my words actually 'do not get in', therefore after a point it is just a waste of physical time and when I stop I realize that I've missed to walk through some relevant points because in the belief and hope that they can listen to common sense but I've proven for years that can not yet when I define this I face my self-definition and it is irritating me instead of letting go all definitions and don't argue with fools but simply focusing on my walking trough of delusions for instance here the 'connection' and 'relationship' which through I define myself as somebody close to these humans and I need to push them trough.

Life as themselves will sort them out, facing manifested consequences is not always a pleasant way to realize, not even the fastest as it is absolutely not entailing real compassion because not considering all the participants here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and in the moment not realizing that the anger is coming within me because I still accept these beings within and as me defined as my connection/relationship and fearing from losing them because of my self-interest as I've defined why is 'great' to be with them - and also fearing to face that what I've taken refugee within as the physical and mind relationship with them is not real and when I can not accept the nonsense what they try to ask me to respect - I just can't.

No matter how I try to respect this - I have no respect for any delusion.

And even 'she' told me that - "as I respect you as your point of view, by simply that you should respect me and my opinions." - what I've defined I can't, because I am allowing myself to be influenced and by the acceptance of this becoming irritated from myself about what I accept and allow because I am aware of the responsibility within this and it is obvious that I will face the consequences of my acceptance.

And even last night I had no emotional movement what washed me away - I was calm, here, yet keep saying the words and when we talked about some hundreds of thousands of people for instance at the border of Syria starving to death, she told me that they did this to themselves, even the little kids, and that is cause and effect, now they realize the consequences.
And I told that what consequences a poor child realizes by knowing nothing but getting constant abuse?
And she told me that is cause and effect, and she kept saying cause and effect about a hundreds of times like a mantra 'cause and effect, cause and effect' - and when I simply state this is insane, I am being told, I am negative, I am actually blocking their claimed to be 17 times reincarnated master helping the world and she should not be in my presence because then I am blocking this apparent enormous help and then I've became emotional and then that is my responsibility to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally when someone is claiming nonsense and I am here clear, calm, able to use common sense and it is obvious that the being is for a moment totally being possessed by consciousness personalities and there is nothing personal in this towards me - I stop, I breathe, I let everything go, I remain inner silent, I do not want anything but I express myself within Self-honesty.

When and as I realize that I am going into argument with complete nonsense, I stop, I breathe, I realign myself with the practical solutions, common sense, self-forgiveness, writing, investigating and sharing.

Because that is the most prominent point that they do not want to share our discussion, their point of view, they do not want to be shared, to do this publicly - and I simply can - I do not support secrets, I do not want secrets, because that is supporting the secret mind, wherein one can remain demon and outside gaming the 'good'.
Let us investigate actually how really buddhist masters making the world better and asking questions what really relevant because one is sure that the current human system is not giving a fuck about 'being proved that consciousness is superior than the physical' - it is enough that consciousness systems direct the physical and that is causing massive harm indeed, cause and effect, and certainly not LIFE.

Life must be equal otherwise it is not life but system of interests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when someone is saying to me 'respect me and I will respect you, respect my beliefs and that's why I will respect your beliefs so we both can remain within our delusions until the end of times(physical death)'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can stop respecting belief systems and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from respecting anything what is not me here as Life - instead of simply focusing myself on respecting myself as Self-honesty always here.
When and as I react with temper towards the word respect - I stop, I realign myself with the respect of all life equal as one as myself as Self-honesty within the physical action.



I commit myself to expose all the delusions what buddhists and enlightenment-obsessed foes participate within and meanwhile claiming that they are doing the best solution in fact they accept and allow harm what is responsibility regardless of their awareness of not - and them and me is not separated only in mind but as long as I am participating separation with them through mind - I have no directive power, therefore:
I commit myself to stop all my inner reactions to spiritual delusions and stop all judgments within me and stopping all self-accepted relationships within me with the words: respect, spiritual, enlightenment, buddha and remain here inner silent and express myself as Breath of Life as it is the best for me and for all.

So I stop this here, and I will continue on self-forgiveness on self-definitions regarding to people and not realizing that I can walk trough the self-created bondage with people who actually make no practical solution and I keep my time on telling them it is nonsense in the interest of wanting to change them because believing that I was there and I've walked through, and if they would listen and trust me - then it would be real prevention of manifesting shitty consequences.

But then I let go my interest - and facing the fear that losing everybody around because not accepting any delusion.

(to be continued)

[JTL 16] Self-responsibility: weed, relationship, energy part 1

Journey to life blog - walking myself into consistency and stability step by step.

This is the continuation of Taking Self-responsibility:

    [JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

From my current Agreement Course Lesson Assignment, I've written this part trough and this should be shared:
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl-day-11-coming-down-to-earth-from.html
I've stopped alcohol and drugs at least about 5 years ago - as within Self-honesty: it's obviously fucking me in the head and the body and it's in the way of Self-Unification as Life to Really Change the System as Myself as Equal as One within the interest of What is Best for All.

And as I've said with ACID, it is not the weed what has problem or GOOD or BAD - it is my starting point according to weed - and from the perspective of Self-honesty, it does not really matter that the topic is substances, desire or fear - all the same - I've smoked weed for a while and I do not judge that, I do not even fuck myself with the energetic hammering of 'NEVER' - but if I smoke it, it's obvious that I accept myself as self-limitation. So I've simply do not participate.

If my decision is real, then it is not really of circumstances - because then when those change, I face the fact that my decision was not real but of consequence.

Consciousness is really a programmable consequence machine and who tries to originate self from that concept - is lost beyond any measure - here in this blog I walk the re-alignment as LIFE so today let's walk the Physical process of changing starting point from energetic consciousness systematic reactions to actual Birthing as the Living Word as the Breath of Life.

So when I've started to transform my already existing relationship with my partner towards an equal and one Agreement - at points I've accepted and allowed reactions to compound me and I could not handle and I was afraid of failing the agreement and that was quite a reason why I've started to 'bridge' moments when I could not remain within our walk with my partner but then I've re-created a habit of smoking and not really dealing with the starting point with common sense within the consideration of all participants.

So @ times the weed I've smoked, this was an accepted self-definition since quite some time; always with an apparently brilliant excuse and justification - and I am walking trough this within the Desteni I Process : Agreement course and it is assisting and supporting me beyond any measure - but in reality - I must be the DECISION to physically CHANGE and that starts with self-study and self-investigation within Self-honesty.



And by writing Self-forgiveness, I am becoming aware what I actually accept and allow - and taking responsibility, taking directive power as Life, not as self-programmed, self-contained, self-deluded, programmable self-happiness-generator-energy-machine but as considering ALL what is here undefined within common sense. So I stick to the simplest practical solution - walking trough words what I automatically react to within Self-honesty.

What was a tremendous support is this Life Review Interview: The Weed Smoker.

So let's face some self-accepted consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take drugs when something or everything is too much and instead of investigating with common sense, I want to break through or suppress down or walk away or get high with things what I've defined as getting me high for instance chocolate, coffee, weed or any sugar or eating or arousal or woman can make me energize and activate specific personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to depend energy outside of me because then still I am not fully responsible for what I act and how I act but I am being directed and influenced according to circumstances beyond my direction therefore there is always a point where I can project responsibility and not me here being fully self-responsible within allowing myself to transcend drugs once and for all and enjoying being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself here facing me without taking the drug and not wanting to realize that I must change and resonantly fearing from change from losing who I've defined myself to be and that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with defining specific expressions of me only I can access when I take specific drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that any reason and justification appears within my head is not real, is of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within me regarding to smoking or not smoking and fearing live my decision regardless of any justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking weed is acceptable if I am self-honest and wanting to bridge out the shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and say it is for painkiller's substitution, because it is a great painkiller.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in terms of why I smoke weed when I smoke weed because then I would realize that I suppress, that's why I smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I feel tired and wanting to smoke and then when smoking, feeling not tired anymore: is energy what I've defined myself to be therefore I am dependent on it, I am not the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with smoking actually I can make better music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use making and playing music as a justification for why I smoke weed and not being self-honest with myself in terms of the energetic addiction regarding to weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing the people around me if I would say I do not smoke again so by the stuff I glue myself socially that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require to do things for people to accept me instead of myself accepting myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that as a justification for not taking it ever more: because I was able to stop it for 3 years, so anytime I can do it again, instead of living this knowledge in all moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a reason to smoke as meeting with ex-partner and experiencing conflict and become nervous and anxious about it what I want to suppress because apparently I could not 'resolve'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by smoking weed I mistify the relationship I have with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus to weed relationship instead of focusing to self-relationships with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of daring to see the real reasons why I smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must accumulate energy in order to decide something what seems to be difficult instead of questioning any self-definition starting with the word ‘difficulty’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve decided to smoke weed to feel strange and different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a control in my life in terms of with what I can control myself and my relationship with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the want and desire towards my ex-partner who with we ended our relationship/agreement-walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge that I feel failed within my last attempt to manifest an agreement with the partner I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the facts what with I am responsible for not manifesting an equal and one and supporting and nurturing agreement with ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when it is too much with my partner or ex-partner or even future-partner – that when I experience shit, then believing that I cannot stop it but I must suppress it with substances instead of using common sense and the tools to walk through and communicate with my partner within the starting point of absolute-self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to use smoking weed to not face myself but triggering an energetic self-defined state wherein I perceive only part of myself what seems to be calm and peaceful and energetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a self-defined relationship with myself what I’ve defined about who I am but in fact it is a self-defined relationship what I react to as defining as too intense and wanting to suppress to not be able to be aware of myself because then I would be frustrated and then I would change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a weed-effect aura within I am calm, whole and open and not realizing that within suppressing a part of me – in fact I am not open, in fact I am not calm and not even whole but within the effect of weed I am simply not aware of this so then I can perceive my goal as ‘peace’ meanwhile compounding suppressions what I am sure will exert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I suppress more and express less because I do not even see that I do have to speak up and take responsibility because in the moment I am not even aware of the responsibility because in fact in these moments  I want to be defined by the words ‘I do not care’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve defined myself by the action of ‘I do not care’ because without this statement – I felt myself involved, intoxicated with reactions what did not feel comfortable, so wanted to stop but not directly as myself but with energies and energetic manipulation by adding extra energy into and as my mind system by drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose myself and perceiving my world as small and insignificant in the starting point of wanting to seem less responsible for who I am and what I experience and in fact what I actually do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within me that I want to hide from others and from myself because what I’ve seen when I was looking at myself was not comfortable, but frustrating and I’ve defined myself as uncomfortable and frustrating and not realizing that in fact the act what I do and the thoughts what I’ve participate within generates the energetic experience of being uncomfortable and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be untouchable and shielded from myself and from my world what I’ve defined as too intense and I need something to put the edge of reality away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I create a mystified experience of myself what within I am in fact not aware of myself therefore not needing to worry and therefore not needing to suppress therefore not needing to face exerting my anger and frustration towards myself about in fact I actually try not to change from where I experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest with myself in terms of realizing I’ve craved myself into actions what with I cannot realize the relationship with my mind and human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from speaking up while being smoked because I might seem clever but in fact I know that anyone can speak anything without the actual Real Living Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take refugee within drugs with what I can experience calmness and peace and confidence and stability and not realizing that I will experience only this when I am being self-defined within the self-defined action of using the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize that by smoking weed in fact I am hiding myself behind self-accepted relationships what are of hope and fear and still participating within the casino system by ‘maybe I will get this experience if I win’ and not realizing that by this I abdicate self-trust and compromise my self-honest walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joyful when the weed hits me and experiencing myself inside slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined joy based on and according to circumstances and relationships with other self-definitions and not realizing that I can only experience equality and oneness with the word 'joy' when using definitions separated from me to be able to define me within the relationship of joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something as 'great', 'joyful', 'good', 'useful' because when I use it, I have a feeling of good, because of suppressing the things what I bother myself with and by that relief defining joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling cool when experiencing slow, liquid-like energetic waves/movements within and as my human physical body while the drug hits my mind and experiencing these energies and not realizing that these are thought-system-manifestations moving within and as me and yet not being aware of these and how and why and by that 'suppressed awareness' defining it as cool because then apparently I can focus to other things and not always to 'my issues' what cause me think and react to thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the word 'unconcerned' there is already a polarity within being concerned and being not concerned and by smoking defining me unconcerned in fact I just make myself FEEL not concerned and by self-definition concerned, I actually want to stop being defined by and as myself how I actually experience myself and wanting to do it with smoking instead of dealing with my issues directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like how I experience listening music while being on drugs because then the perception is different and defining myself as this different perception is what I like - I define myself as the drug and not being able to be myself without the drug effecting my 'liking'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to define sexually stimulated more when doing sex while being on any drug because then the apparent intensity is bigger and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as good simply as that and not realizing that intensity is also a perception based on opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sexual-pleasure and seeking for sexual-pleasure and doing sexual-pleasure as much as I can without questioning myself simply because defining myself as 'this is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming fed up with my reasons and justifications about why I smoke weed and then when I do it I see that within self-honesty I do not want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to smoke weed because then I can forget myself and within forgetting myself I feel reliefed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about losing my music instruments because then I would have to restart to build my studio what is money and time what about I am extremely limited currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress playing and writing music within me when not smoking weed and after a while wanting to make music but not doing it by having reasons and justifications but in fact I simply not make music when I do not smoke because I've defined myself and my musical aspect with weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for apparently 'high' energetic experiences because then all the possibilities reduce and I become automatic and within that self-automation I focus to reacting to self-definition of 'intensity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for great sex with a woman who is really open with me and I find her sexually attractive but only if she would really like me, what I do and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use suppressed sexual desire and energy to fuel me as mind and defining this as myself and when not having sexual suppressions, desires, wants - I feel myself as 'low' instead of realizing that who I've defined myself to be as energy within my mind as 'high' and when 'low' wanting to enhance myself with energies to get back to 'high'-ness, what simply means regarding thoughts, feelings, emotions more than here physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from anything what is not 'intense enough' to be apparently real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as intensity regarding to circumstances and not as who I am as life, always here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing something what is too intense, because then I am becoming more automatic that I'd like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from something being too intense and therefore my reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions will be also intense and by that intensity, actually I diminish here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand the importance to draw/write out all self-definitions/relationships/connections within and as me regarding to the word intensity.

So - some self-accepted abdication of Self-responsibility is here within constancy and consistency - let's prepare the physical change with Self-correction:

When and as I think of getting weed or even buying it – I realize – this is a timeloop – if I buy the stuff, I will smoke it, and if I buy it – in fact I made the decision to smoke more – and not realizing that if I really not want to smoke then I do not get it – and until I have tendency to get it or somehow just ‘have stuff’ – it is the same – I am living my decision to want to smoke because wanting to hide from myself – and each act I participate in this  – I abdicate self-responsibility.

When and as I feel like I need to smoke in order to any reason – I realize I have the reason and justification from my past what I want to change but until I do not change the relationship within me regarding to self-definitions about doing drugs, smoking weed, getting high – until I am the same – therefore I decide to suppress and then compound and then exert and then feeling ashamed and then becoming frustrated and then again facing the decision to suppress myself again.

When and as I suppress fear from changing – I realize – I have the tendency to smoke weed to bubble myself into a personality what is calm and relaxed and joyful what I’ve defined myself not to be therefore to chemically shift my perception about me – I use chemical substances – and until I participate – I am responsible for postponing my self-expression.

When and as I fear from relationship and acknowledging my responsibility within past relationships – I realize I have tendency to wanting to shift personality with smoking weed instead of slowing down and stopping participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions regarding to how shit I did and how I should not do and how I should do and then still when ‘letting this go’ – wanting just to be relaxed in the moment, in this moment and not wanting to take responsibility for the future as well.

When and as I desire after sex – I realize by smoking weed I only intensify this and then I will have intensified sexual desire – so by smoking I realize I compound more energy to suppress me.

When and as I start to become extremely aroused and losing presence and just wanting to ‘get off’ the energy I realize this energy I compounded and in fact created by being self-dishonest and that self-dishonesty is compounded and the arousal is here for hide myself with a bigger energy from an uncomfortable energetic experience caused by me moment by moment.

When and as I have thoughts about what is the reason to smoke weed – I realize – that reason is of consequence of energetic experience – therefore any reason is self-dishonesty.

When and as I fear from facing myself – I realize by weed I just mistify myself and not stopping even when it is obvious that the best is to stop myself from inside out within one decision with no energy, gently yet brutally just breathe and remain here and observe the mind but not participate.

When and as I experience  emotions and feelings – I realize – it is alright to not suppress these but coming here – what is important is to not follow and react to and wanting to act something regarding to that – rather remain here and breathe, and see how it comes from where ‘it’ wants to go and apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I desire after sex – I see that it is of mind as energy – and then I stop,  and if not – then I do not judge – but decide in one moment – and act accordingly.

When and as I fear from women and fear from facing women – ex or current or future partner – I realize I fear from facing myself what I have the tendency to suppress yet with partner it is coming to surface and not wanting to face and realize myself because then I would have to change and within changing facing the unknown what I’ve defined as fearful and avoidable therefore anytime experiencing change – fear will come and that is predictable, so when I experience fear within stopping, especially fear from unknown, I breathe, I stop, I let go and I realize until I smoke weed, I suppress myself and cannot deal with emotions therefore I stop smoking weed, stop getting weed, accepting weed, wanting to smoke weed, wanting to buy weed, wanting to be in the situation of have a valid reason to smoke weed.

I commit myself to not smoking weed because within smoking I am creating layers within and as me and these layers consist of and entails of my self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to remain constantly aware that if I am here as Self-movement and not as reaction to Mind-movement - weed do not effect me.

I commit myself to see all relationships within and as me what wants me to smoke weed and not using the justification to ‘to walk through weed, I need to smoke weed to have the experience of self-dishonesty’ then to realize and by that to stop instead of simply stop by decision and not by manifested consequence.

I commit myself to just decide things without energy and within self-decision – I stand, I walk, I breathe, I act.

I commit myself to stop fearing from myself as relationship with woman and transform my starting point of fear from myself as unknown to self-enjoyment within self-honesty within and as stopping all systems within and as me as Life.

I commit myself to not judge weed because self-judgment is of polarity of positive and negative and remain aware of that either way I participate within defining it according to my self-interest it is the same, meanwhile weed is a plant what has a substance what alters the mind.

I commit myself to stop all relationship within and as me of and as mind consciousness system and birthing myself as Life as the Physical undefined, Self-disciplined, constant, stable, consistent and everything what makes me changing, unstable, inconsistent in terms of self-presence is not really me therefore I let go, unconditionally walk trough, remove completely, entirely.

Related articles:(just some ;)


http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-56-i-am-cool-because-i-smoke-weed.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-21-weed-and-social-circles.html

http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-247-how-i-stopped-weed-addiction.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-26-weed-and-responsibilities.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-25-stoner-pothead-character.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-24-pipes-and-resin.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-22-weed-and-creativity.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-23-weed-and-creativity-cont.html

Also this is fascinating:

http://desteni.org/a/bruce-lee-marijuana-a-view-less-seen

I suggest to investigate all habits as Jesus said: Investigate all things and keep what is best for all.

I do not ask for asking is this really Jesus speaking - I suggest listen the words what is being spoken and apply for yourself and within Self-honest action one can only see.

[JTL 15] Stopping fear from childhood part 3

This post is the continuation of

• http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl-day-13-stopping-reacting-to-fear.html
• http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/03/jtl-14-stopping-reacting-to-fear-from.html 

Self-corrective statements to prepare to change by scripting practical awareness

When and as I think that I do not have stability and I do not have constancy here - I realize - it is the consequence of disregarding myself as physical here - I breathe it trough and I remain here anyways without reason.
When and as I disregard my physical breathing as self-presence - I stop, I let go all occupation within and as my mind and I stop for a moment, I let go all what I fear from and concern about - I breathe naturally here and I realize I am breathing here as reality.
When and as I experience that I am following my thoughts and in fact participating within fear regarding to what I experience - I realize I've judged myself regarding to my current location based on my past - and I attempt to not face the consequence here, myself here, responsibility here, but it's all here - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with and as physical presence and I let go all thoughts, feeling, emotions.
When and as I think that breath must be equalized - I stop, I realize I can not control or manipulate myself in order to breath naturally - by positive and negative feedback from judgments - I decide I breath here, I walk, I act.

When and as I realize I participate within conflict within and as me - I stop - I realize I use starting point as energy what is of reason, what is of self-interest as self-doubt as wanting to fight to have the winner reason within me to conclude what I should do - I stop, I let go all polarities - all definitions, all fear - I breathe, I re-align myself here as physical as self-trust as common sense.
When and as I fear that I am not constant, stable, physical self-expression here as presence within life-aware breathing - I apply self-forgiveness, I re-align myself with and as myself as equal as one as the physical here.
When and as I fear from not being able to constant and consistent here within physical - I realize that because I believe within thoughts and within that belief actually I stop self-presence, so I stop, completely stop, I re-align myself here as physical as breath as self-direction within the principle of what is best for all.
When and as I want to think to have a conclusion about something what apparently I am not sure, I have doubt about it, I experience conflict within - I stop, I am here.
When and as I fear from knowing exactly what is going on - I stop, I let go all thoughts what tell me that I can not know and I do not know what is going on here - instead of realizing that I am here physically and breathing trough reacting to thoughts.

When and as I experience that I desire after 'higher' experience from what I judge my actual current experience - I stop, I realize that high needs low to exist and within bouncing between two polarity extremes is not life, so I do not participate within 'wanting to get high' in fact to avoid 'low'.
When and as I fear from what would happen if I would act immediately always instead of being physically petrified while processing trough thoughts to 'solve' and 'conclude' with the apparently 'best' solution trough self-judgments according to self-accepted past-definitions -- I stop, I realize I am starting point as Life as presence physically and expressing myself within the act of breath.
When and as judge myself as inferior regarding to something according to my physical senses or previously accepted self-judgments - I stop, I do not participate - it is a mind-game to equate apparent self-program to not really act outside the box.
When and as I judge myself or others or any physical object as inferior to me - I stop, I have been accepted to superimpose myself in relationship to something outside of me as human physical body - I realign myself as the act of physical breath within the consideration of realization that following any thought will lead me to doubt and judgments.

When and as I fear from falling out from my human physical body - I realize it is not real, it is because an experience what I've judged as avoidable because apparently within that I automatically judge myself the way as it is not cool.

I commit myself to face all my fears right here where I am as self-presence.
I commit myself to face myself in all ways unconditionally.
I commit myself to stand as Life regardless of any thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I commit myself to start deprogramming the fear what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as myself since childhood.
I commit myself to expose and share all my realizations regarding to fear and self-abdication, self-petrification and self-delusion unconditionally.
I commit myself to investigate all the consciousness layers what I participate within because of self-accepted perception of fear.
I commit myself to stop participate within energy in terms of thoughts, feelings, emotions because it is influencing, controlling, directing me, regardless of what anyone would say to me about this.
I trust myself that I am stopping myself what is not really me as eternal as Life as constant and consistent presence within and as the physical.
I trust myself within the self-dedication of writing down all my thoughts and investigate their origin and the relationship with other thoughts and how I've allowed myself to automate myself by self-accepted 'association' and 'conclusions' to tell me who I am and what I should and what I should not do and what is right and what is not right.
I commit myself to walk the 7 years of journey to Life within I investigate and decompose and correct myself within the interest of what is best for all what is always direct, simple, obvious, common sense.

When and as I experience this physical anxiousness, as some sort of vibration, energetic tense of physical fear - I stop, I realize if I accept fear as myself, I am responsible for allowing myself within existing fear and I walk the mind by writing it out and correcting myself literally physically to stop the excuses and justifications of why I accept myself to exist within fear.


When and as I experience myself as using my body as a separate thing from what I define as 'myself' - I stop, I re-align myself with and as the body as myself as equal as one and I realize I've been participating within self-seclusion and separation by judging my body and judging myself and therefore I am responsible for the experience and the consequence of this separation of me as me - I stop I breathe I let go I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come out an idea that my body is not real in terms of who I am.

When and as I experience myself fighting within - existing within any conflict - accepting any thoughts - I stop, I realize I've been accepting and allowing myself to exist as not who I am - I stop, I breathe, I let go all and realign myself with the common sensical fact that my real location is where and as my human physical body is.

When and as I experience myself to engage into fight with words within myself for instance wanting to think out the best solution to me - I stop, I realize all my thoughts are my past therefore following(fool-loving) any thoughts indicates that I am not really here, I am not really real in terms of what I do.
When and as I experience myself losing my stability - I realize because I've been accepting and allowing myself to take refugee within and as thoughts, feelings and emotions and in fact those are not real, constantly changing and evolving and if I define myself according to thoughts, feelings, emotions, I will always will be the slave of my past-accepted consequence without real physical change.

When and as I experience myself reacting on thinking, emotional or feeling level to the physical senses of experiencing my human physical body - I stop - I realize I've never really been here - therefore I've never experienced my body here as myself before constantly - therefore any judgment coming up regarding to this - is not real, it is the consequence of fear from exactly happening this.
 

Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL 14] Stopping reacting to fear from childhood part 2

So experiencing myself intensified physically and mentally and judging it as 'falling into the endless universe aimlessly'.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by reacting to thought and reacting to thought with an other thought by a reason and motivation what I am not aware of in the moment of 'thinking'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my mind and defining my body only as a container for my mind and when experiencing fear, not realizing that in fact I experience fear when I experience it physically as a result of participation of not wanting to face, not wanting to face consequence, not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my breath here where I actually am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I fear I am falling out from myself and losing myself and aimlessly falling into the universe endlessly lost in oblivion instead of stopping and breathing here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself physically here all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'I have' or 'I had' enormous fear instead of investigating what I experience and realize the fear is self-rejection here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from night when I experienced the falling out from my human physical body perception and fearing from falling out from my body and thinking this fear as real, thinking that I must FIGHT this perception within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not have stability point and not realizing that if I disregard physical self here - in fact I am responsible for not 'having' the stability point here and then reacting with fear towards 'not having stability point here' - instead of letting go this self-definition and realizing that I am here within and as human physical body breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I am falling, I am perishing, I am all ever changing without stability point and constantly feeling - as defining myself as 'I am feeling myself whatever I want as valid' - instead of realizing that fearing from facing me here always is always equal and one with and as myself until I stop and I let go and I breathe naturally here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from falling into endless oblivion of existence/universe and not realizing that if I consider my human physical body here, it is constantly here physically and never stopping expressing, as breathing, as processing the food, processing the senses etc and if I disregard this physical stability here within and as breathing - I am in fact responsible for having the perception and the apparent experience of 'falling' and 'oblivion'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a stability point within thoughts, feelings and emotions as self-definition instead of realizing that these are the reflection of my self-fear here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'FIGHT' as apparently within fighting I have a chance to win over myself and not realizing that in fact I split within and battling the polarities and the energies and wanting to fight myself with energy through exerting and suppressing thoughts, feelings, emotions and within the reaction towards suppressing/exerting - defining myself regarding to these energetic movements what I've taken refugee within and therefore experiencing myself as all ever changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the physical fear, experiencing physical shock, a severe trauma as having this overwhelming physical experience of fear and within accepting it and wanting to fight it - validating as it were real and then validating my apparent 'FIGHT' against myself and not realizing that it is all self-made, and as long as I participate - I will fight and I will loose and I will win and never existing harmony and equality within and as myself here physically, as reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts as energy-generation towards my already self-accepted energetic experiences and wanting to win the battle of numbers, as apparently if having a certain 'intensity' of energy, then wanting to generate at least the same perceived amount of energy within to 'equalize', 'balance out', 'polarize'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what is going on, to fear from not knowing who I am, why I am here, what will happen, how to stop energy within me what felt nasty, dirty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energetic being and experiencing myself as nasty within the intensity of fear and never questioning that in fact I am creating this within and as me through participation within thoughts, feelings and emotions, regardless of the topic, the starting point and the pictures - all thoughts, feelings, emotions are the reflection of self-conflict and wanting to dominate conflict within me with the starting point of fear is not really who I am so I stop, I breathe, I let all go I re-align myself with and as physical as my body as breathing, as self-expression here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hearing my heart pounding as avoidable because I've defined it as 'making me mad from it's constancy' and defining myself as self-created-occupations to avoid to experience myself here as presence within the excuse of 'being mad of hearing my heart'.
I forgive myself that I have accepetd and allowed myself to define myself according to my memory, and defining myself as the memory and then when not knowing what is happening, using this memory to define me, to tell me who I am and what to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing existence and universe here within and as myself and fearing from infinity all ways here as self as life as all as equal as one.

to be continued.
Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL day 13] Stopping reacting to fear from childhood part 1

Exposing any fear-related reaction within and as me at this moment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear is the consequence of self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that I do not fear with recklessness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote myself as unafraid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others realizing that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think that if I suppress fear, others will not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept fear within me - I am responsible for manifesting what I accepted myself within the relationship of fearing from experiencing what I've defined as fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I do not fear at all, never.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote fear by accepting and allowing myself living in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably learn fear from parents and teachers and not realizing the how and why.
I forgive myself that I have never dared to question my fears regarding to death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I fear when someone tells me that I am in fear because then I might do something wrong but unless I am not aware of my fear, I do not have to deal with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop methods to suppress and hide fear within and as me to not needing to face it as myself as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any thoughts I participate within is a sign of fear within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself experience superiority when noticing someone is acting according to fear and experience inferiority when I am experiencing fear and apparently others around me not experiencing fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as fuel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as motivation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as power.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as separate from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I participate within fear - I am responsible for the consequences of such starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself in order to divert my attention from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the best way to stop fear is to sleep one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act towards fear because of the starting point of fearing from remaining within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed within fear and experiencing being humiliated by others because of being exposed within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the word fear within the belief that then I do not fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the words as 'I fear' and 'I fear of ...' and 'I fear from ...' because within the belief/self-definition of if I do not say I fear then I do not fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at somebody who I perceive as acting according to fear.
I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that I fear from death, not because of the experience but because all the wants I've defined myself that I must do before death I have not done therefore fearing from not fulfilling my desires and future projections and not realizing that this extent of fear from myself is proving to me that I can not build anything consistent within the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that suppressing and absorbing fear is NOT a solution but self-harm.

Okay this was just an introductory to the word fear.

When I was kid for a while in my conscious mind - I had enormous fear - the most prominent was when night came and I was in my room, in my bed, I felt like something is throbbing within me and I felt and heard my heart pounding and I had no stability point but constantly feeling that I am falling, I am falling apart, I am perishing, I am all ever changing without stability and nothing really remains within me and within that fear I had the impression that I am falling into the endless oblivion of existence/universe.
It was strange experience but I had FIGHTS many-many nights to stop this experience, to stop this being lost feeling, this apparently huge, enormous, intoxicating physical experience of fear, almost like a shock, a severe trauma that I do not know what is going on, I do not know why I am in this family wherein I am, I do not know who I am, I do not know what to do, I do not know what I experience, I do not know what will happen, I do not know how to stop this nasty, energetic experience within me.
My senses were sending constant nonsense, like with my tongue I touched one of my teeth and I've felt my tooth ENORMOUS, HUGE, I've felt that my gums and my tooth are like planet-sized and I am being pushed towards these GIGANTIC forces me like a rag-doll based on laws of such physix what I do not understand, can not predict, unable to stop, not possible to fight over.

And hearing my heart pounding LOUD, feeling the pressure in my veins after each heart-pulsing, hearing it within my ear made me really mad after a while - I had such an unexplainable physical and mind fear that I felt absolutely powerless and I just wanted to end this and I just could not.
It was a part of my childhood, I remember our house in the village, I remember our room with my sister, I remember the pine trees making the crazy sound by the wind at nights and that made me really haunted and I was after some sort of quiet, peace, calm and self-presence but I did not understand this, I was just reacting to my fear.

In fact I've written about this already here in my blog some years ago when I started Desteni Process, but the Self-correction for this I never walked - so I start here and I will continue on walking Self-forgiveness and self-correction on my childhood's fear experiences.

Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro

Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Yesterday after some months I had sex with her again and I was surprised how quiet I've became today inside in terms of thoughts and feelings.
Obviously with sex I can discharge the storm within but only for a while - so even if I do not see this clearly - I will experience the consequences anyway.

Looks like all the inner troubles I give myself into is because of the lack of sex and my judgments and reactions regarding to this.

Fascinating - if I would be my mind, and would want to control me, I'd make sure that I do not have a sexual relationship within the physical.

And my mind is a reflection and inversion of me as who I am.

What does this entail?

As I see - regarding to this topic, specifically as the words within me:
'woman' and 'sex' - both have two faces - the desire after and the fear from.
The polarity manifestation of my desires and fears are quite equated - in fact by my constant reaction towards these within 'me' make me just be equated, 'still', 'balanced'.

In fact - the most practical way to describe this system what I've put in charge within and as me as this topic as 'woman and sex' - is by walking trough this specific polarity system with this specific woman who I had sex with.

So this story starts like an ordinary erotic story - but I am walking trough the self-dishonesty here - what I am doing here by starting to write out my desires and fears according to woman and sex existing trough and as encrypted energetic symbols called words.

Encrypted meaning I am not fully aware of all the details of how and why I've manifested myself like this as I experience myself here - and writing it out within the starting point of self-honesty - I can unreveal the encryption. The encryption is here to make sure in one moment I can not see trough my delusion - as layers upon layers of relationships between words I've accepted and allowed to self-define and conclude and decide and apparently choose - but within self-honest writing I can investigate the why and the how and then I can be aware of the whole story by dedication and in fact consistency and time - and to realize the ridiculousness of my constant self-delusion through and as energetic polarity manifestations triggered by words.

So that's why all the words - that's why any spiritual mantra can not be self-honestly seriously taken in any way whatsoever - as that is not the actual words what I react to - that is just an other layer upon the already self-contained layered consciousness system - an other encryption level to make sure the human not realize the RESPONSIBILITY within such delusion as thoughts, feelings emotions - and one who is really dedicated to Self-realization and Self-liberation - should not stuck at any method what is not really dealing with the words what one programmed to react to - because we already entail many-many-many-many programmed systems within our mind consciousness what makes us operate quite automatically within certain specific situations what we accepted and allowed - in fact decided not to question anymore but encrypting the whole package as 'myself' and then any question would point towars this encrypted system as the pointer word: 'myself' then one would stop, one would hesitate to question anymore, because this is what self has accepted and allowed to be and then comes the 'This is who I am, that's it' - what is the lamest excuse earth has been seen because to remain this system actually requires lots of extra effort - the constant occupation within thoughts, feelings and emotions - what is literally seeping off our real life force what we really are as our human physical bodies.

Therefore I walk trough this two words as woman and sex in terms of polarity system regarding to two dimensions: desire and fear.

Recently I've already wrote down all my fears what I could bring to surface and writing those down was quite a fun I had quite a LOL indeed - as so ridiculous to fear from for instance 'women would want to be with me all the time to do sex' what interestingly enough is also my desire as well.

So that kind of fun can come trough if one dares to pour out own self's accepted nonsense.

And this even might seem to be quite rigidly insane to write out to the world about my greatest desires and fears but hey, from this point - anyone would read this - have an opportunity to know me - not by my favourite movies or music or t-shirt - that is just the surface, the consequence - I can get fed up experiencing the surface of people quite soon - that's why I'd stick to desteni people - because they do not say so much bullshit - desteni people are quite brave in terms of what they are really doing - it takes gut and dedication to not share some nice glamour but some true real demonic shit - and actually how one walks trough and what one realizes and how walks the preparation and the living of practical transcendence.

And by reading I can relate - I can prepare myself if I would face such point in the future - and then becoming aware of the consequences - I can really decide what is the best outcome within the consideration of all - within self-honesty there is no such thing as choice only consequence.

That's why I suggest everyone who can to read some Desteni/Self-forgiveness/Journey to Life blogs each day - because this is real - this is real people facing real problems and not feeding the secret mind anymore about hiding behind curtains of our mind as thoughts, feelings emotions - what is proven to be quite limited, slow and in fact really miserable.

But sharing our mistakes, values, realizations, commitments, we are re-aligning ourselves with words - and making sure what words we speak we are always equal and one regarding to what we act - within the consideration of the best consequence not only for ourselves but all.

Also what I've noticed - that by sharing my greatest shit - actually I am pushing my limits - if anyone would not notice that I am dealing with this shit currently, then this is it - I am an open book literally - please read me and experience the words what I react to, experience my difficulties and my realizations and my process of stopping - what is the starting point of doing so - therefore also when you've read my self-dishonesty - and at a point I lose self-awareness about these points - who read it - can also realize what I am walking currently trough and assist if decides so or if required.

So

desire and fear
sir tear dear fear


The sure fare is that I can not experience desire without experiencing fear.

The reality of me is that I can not fullfil my desire without constant fear.
The fact is that I can not enjoy fullfilling my desire without suppressing my fear.
The problem is that as I am fullfilling desire I re-create the experience of fear.
The solution is to let go, give up, transcend all desires and all fears completely.

Especially woman and sex. In mind - physically it's quite alright - but in mind - any participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions(sorry girls;) about any woman or any sex and in fact anything - is not real - not me - but a strange secluded mirror-room-feedback system what is echoing me back all self-dishonesty what I've ever made - no escape;- we face all as equal as one as self each.

The most practical(cannot say 'easiest' or 'simplest') way to stop my program of desire and fear might would be to have a constant partner(woman to do sex with - experience instead of desire after experience) within self-supporting agreement. That would push me to face an other layer of self-dishonesty, but I walk points as self-accepted encrypted layers, one by one.

I've started to transform 'my' last relationship to agreement but it did not last as it was not Self-honest dedication and decision both of ourselves but it was of energy, what is coming and going - so it was over since long while. So yesterday we did something the first time together and facing the same responsibility points just like before, but first I've decided to walk Desteni Agreement Course(in lesson 4 currently since a while but it is worth each dime and moment to spend with), what is uniquely invaluable in terms of supporting ones to transform from mind-relationship to REAL relationship within the principle of equality and oneness - and not looping within dysfunctional parent-programming timeloops to intensify the already currently manifested consequences of self-dishonesty. Such as desire and fear within me regarding to woman and sex - not because I feel really shit all the time - but at times yes - and if I accept myself as hell, then I am responsible for this hell. So desire and fear - both must go as it is just an other mind-fuel-energy-layer to not take Self-responsibility in every moment.

So then woman and sex regarding to desire and fear would be one layer - and then when starting to walk this - another layers pop up - a some sort of origin - to have a desire to stop fearing from not having woman and sex - or to have -
but then can not be constant and consistent as the desire is fueled by fear to stop fear. Do you see it now? It's obvious that it's all fear - fear of self - as nothing else really can exist than self - so then what is this fear, how to stop this fear?

Here people say, the devil it's in the details - well, literally:
The fact that one can not really remember the past - is really specific - not because it is not important, but because exactly the fact, what really happened 'there' within and as the mind - as self - the exact layout and design manifestation of that fear.
How exactly it happened? How exactly I've reacted with what?
.
.
So then without fear - my desire is not started/fueled/activated to fear from not having woman and sex to then going towards woman and sex? Hmm...

Say hello to Ouroboros, the snake what eats it's own tail - the trap of 22.
Or 22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222.

That's why Self-forgiveness. What is manifested, is already manifested, no escape - but what comes next - we can really decide by becoming aware of the self-accepted consequences with Self-forgiveness as individual and as humanity as a whole.
To stop all cycles. All programs. All personalities. All motivations must go - All self-definitions, all sacred geometry triangle self-definition manifestations I let go, remove, delete.

Only the 'I' remain as Self as Life.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness on the topic.

Also I've noticed that I accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to post rarely but then long ones - here I am transforming it(myself) to rather being consistent to walk these points daily even if it means that I'll segregate.

Also I've started several topics to decompose within and as myself - drugs, spiritual agendas, responsibility, relationships, desire, sex, energy - and these are interconnected trough and as words as well within my life so I'll be walking these for a while from several different angles to pinpoint and cross-reference all the shit what I'm still timelooping yet being aware already. So - let's walk, enjoy!