Machines. Here machines are fucked up. About 7-8 times I installed the operating system and this one is still not clear - I mean trojans, viruses, these tiny, almost unreal bastards are real pain in my virtual ass within my external physical devirtualized memorybag called hard drive...
To reinstall the opsys on this laptop - is just like going to take a shit - became quite regular in this last week, I did not do anything particular only formatting, installing, ok some movies I saw, those were spectacular, but anyway, I am getting enough - so now I am running these antiviruses to rid of the shit : VIRUT.NBP
I found interesting how I allow the compromise within my life and in fact I see that what I dreamed before is going to manifest almost literally and in fact I can stop it but as I desired it - it is already here, if I anticipate, if I deny - too late - so better to face and breath...
I even could not refer it as 'bad' as this could be very handy later on, but I had this kind of sense that I am not the directing principle fully here, and the question is why and how I accept it - with my acknowledge and responsibility.
The price of rice - I mean: time as money?
So this tiny studio takes all my coins away but if I pretend to play that it is so close - well, if I am fucking myself - if all my desires are drifting me away from breath here - then I am the unreal separation of conditional externalized virtual creation somewhere over the rainbow within the electric sparks around one tiny atom...
The dreams - The dreams are telling what I do not face physically - the support if I manifest it trough definitions by past -I am not transcending only re-pe(a)ting myself with the illusion of choice and the justification of attention divertion as an onionized self-abused self-mind-upgrading ascension?
Not at all I am exploring this english language as I am fully aware these letters I am here or as I am breath as pushing keys as keyboard and smelling the lights trough my nose as this air is what I am breathing or the intacted outcome of my expression - is this who I am or I am wondering about wondering myself?
So dreams words connections keys ?
lonely appretiation entertainment respect joy embrace give away, stand, fight, will, walk
self forgiveness assist me these days to remain stable but some points are not deep enough
and when I am within the push - I am not surprised that the push is only push when I mean it...
so let me explore when and how I will myself and when and how I don't - I mean how I will to unwill myself?
one fun:
I was working with the QA(test-engineer)guy and we did not find the problem of the code, and I said: ok, fuck it, let's debug it and stop at the point what we are suspect to be bad and he just told me with a tone like freaked on a directed, funny way and he said:
-No, no, no, don't debug it!
-Why, let's do this
-No, no, dont debug it, a real man never debugs, just run it, it will work, do it, man, do it!
That was the moment of LOL. Of course We did the debug and helped up our ass trough that bug after ten minutes but that was something real fun...
What else I should mark without question...
I met with a girl and we had a kiss or something like that and later on I lost my interest about her, even she shared her interest about me -- strange -- why and how I managed to meet and how and why I did not wanted to have sex with her -- I mean it's strange...
Anyway I could not even do my extra job, because of the opsys continously is fucked up, so reinstalling all the time anyway, but the new machine is on it's way already, so I wont have this machine problem very soon and as I mentioned my dream comes true and I will have my studio quality sound system with a very specific kind...I am quite sure about this, even I decided to take serious amount of money back there to start to prepare for traver for later on - I could not let this go near me, because with this I can do any kind of music, to any kind of area whatever I will - I mean real, badass studio producion quality and somehow start to manage to make some real stuff and start to script and build up my second CV - as the first is my programmer IT developer about several years of company experiences - and the second one will be based on music and video to be able to slowly but surely change my work from programming to studio quality music and video - quite soon...
Will see... will share soon...
Also I opened a new blog, that will be used for sharing some practial shit about my physical movements, also the tech stuff and some artistic stuff... If I will be able, I will kick that off too - but first I will have to write several hours about to express and express myself and explore some self forgiveness points and stabilize...
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