Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Realizing and scripting up Consistency.

My tendency to not share constantly for a while then bursting out in great velocity then stopping the movement is what I take on this time.

The Sexual desire what I decided to walk through at this moment is not bugging me as before as my walk with my partner is quite stabilized - regardless of my exerts of exposing my need to be able to 'see the end' of my agreement-relationship is sometimes still an issue, but yesterday we had a breakthrough in the spa when from blank 'harmony' I fucked up our trust for a moment and as this repeated for about 3-4 times already - I was able to recognize the pattern of self-dishonesty within that and I am able to see that I can embrace this point without issues from now on - yet I must stabilize this by writing out and making a VLOG - but this is already what I enjoy - when I walk a point and when I can share it with anyone on the planet - or I am ready to face the point as myself publicly - I experience this kind of joy of sharing my inner shit what I realized: this is not who I really am, this I can stop, this part of myself as self-dishonesty I can stop and by sharing this - I stand - at my blog, at youtube, anywhere. This is very cool - the sharing.

So the point what I experience as self-dishonesty as self-created-fuckup is this energy waving.
This time I will pronounce points by coloring specifically what I will write self-forgiveness(the next blog post) about for instance defining myself as woman-like slow-energy-waves for instance things what come up in long cycles, and my conscious mind is more likely operates on 'daily basis' - therefore I am not even aware of these cycles for instance what are directing me within me for instance in monthly cycles.

Procrastination I manifest by energetic cycles by judging my momentary situation.

muthafucka blogger session lost my whole post and this was the last draft about 1/4 of the writing(blame, anger)
NEXT TIME I WRITE INTO NOTEPAD PlusPlus and only the final to put into browser as this happened so many times already, mostly when I spend hours with one post.

fortunately I am aware of this point this time so I write down the conclusion this time.

So using offline text editor to continue.

1.Fear from not I am not being good enough
2.Judging it before I finish it - defining things outside from me(my painting, my music etc) it as 'not good enough' - separating the thing from me and fear from not being good enough - the other part of the 1st point of perceived separation.
3.Fear from not having enough time
4.Fear from not having the tools what require for the specific expression

Mostly the 4th point I was pushing recently because that I could handle by investing money into tools. Hardware, software. So if this still comes up - bullshit, definition from the past - I must redefine myself and my environment - as I already start 'projects' what I see that I can do.

3. Not having enough time. I decide what to spend within my 'timeframe' - so if I do not give time to something - then let it go.
And momentary influences can come up for instance while I ate my dinner, I started to watch a movie and even when I finished my eat - I was still watching the film, because I defined it 'interesting', 'cool', 'fascinating', it's like unconsciously fear from not having enough time and by that I am manifesting 'not having enough time'. Trap of 22.
Self definition I must stop the cycle.

2 - It's like painting a house and first I make a draft and I say: it's shit - even before I finish it - if I am not satisfied - I restart it - if I can not do it - I must re-evaluate my location and capabilities and I might let go or re-schedule this 'project' with common sense - without reacting, without blaming myself, simply, HERE.

1 - When I was kid - I had no experience and liveable knowledge about how to do things - and I've defined myself as that - and I learnt - but my self-definition did not change - resonantly I am still that if I do not stop participate within that definition - if I do not re-define myself according to my current location, if I do not forgive and let go these within moment to re-write my reality by acting by walking through these unreal fears.

So I must embrace these points within me - and seeing how I participate and why.

Because I compound inner reactions what will explode within expression - but this is still not self-expression until it is conditioned to energy in any way whatsoever.

For instance I've decided to learn basic of kung fu - and I realized - if I want to steel my palm and fist - I must practice it day by day - continuously - and that is already progressing - it is an experiment to see - and to experience this daily practice. And each day I do not practice this 5 minutes - but about 5 of 7 yes. And slowly but surely there is a progress, yet much to be walked. So that I can do - I can be consistent but I must stand the whole thing without inner reaction - without judgment, without accepted-fear, without projection, without hope.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for my fear will disappear without my active participation instead of realizing that if the fear would disappear by a condition 'outside from me' - then I am of this condition, I can be directed by this condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear to not needing to change and not risking failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure instead of realizing that failure is judgment based on already accepted fear.

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