Thursday, August 21, 2008

Remember for dream

Ah I remember my dream quite well what just woke me up - since months it did not happened, so it is here.
The dream is mixed with my workplace, with some kind of horror movie(van helsing) and a little bit with the bourne story and oh yes with the video animation maker tutorial movies with cool 3D effects...

So I am in this system, where we are simply slaves. Here is this hi-tech broad-glassed walls, elevators, automatic doors and everything is shiny, sterile.
I am with my boss and the team and we walk around and once there is a promotion. He says that I can be a good agent/spy..for this I become quite happy...because I got bored with theese glass-walls, artificial lights and all day doing the same stuff: walk around with my team, and not really free 'life'. But somehow I am in fear. Then as the boss said that I can be good special agent/spy, I could move to T.... (a city in us where company servers are working). I start to form the idea about: - ok, then I just go, and when I leave the team and I am alone I start to go but I can't - the shiny hi-tech system does not allow me just to move to that city straight: I am closed in, alone and have to wait for others to arrive, so then I start to play with a computergame and a team arrives, unknown people and check me, even phisically and they question everything, and well, I am quite confident about 'I will be an agent' and one woman say(kind of scientists) that is ridicoulous ,and then trying to give me a syringed stuff to handle me and I run away and after there is a girl who helps me and says 'well if you want to go there, then you have to be patient - collect some amount, work hard every day you have little time to find out the solution and maybe after some months you get there'- but I am unpatient, I say 'Why I can not go now, if we are at this situation now? I am ready' and she says because the things not work like this, and I am a bit pissed off, but looking around for find another opportunities and after I am alone again, so I try the glass-elevator to make it work(hack) to take me to that city - but somehow something does not work and my head goes outside of the glasswall - what shows a bit water-like behavior-, so once my head is outside of it, it becomes icy - so my head stuck inside of that and then I can see that somehow my head is quite grotesque, kind of goblinlike monster's head, and in the next moment I am freezed from the fact that I am a kind of creature and then this head froozes to ice and just simply falls, and it is hard, and somehow there is my head on my neck, but I do not see that - but I see from there, as I still can see and I see that monster head and I get a little panic and I grab this monsterhead(believing that is my head, but in fact I still have my head) from the ground and I start shout for help, help, help, heeeeeeeeelp!
And I wake up for this many shouts inside ' help, help, heeeeeelp'. lol

Obviously I let myself influence with theese movies what I see - also I still have a little bit concern about workplace because I let my past influence me - when I was not well appriciated, and I was fearful about I can be kicked off - but in fact no, never happened. Also I see some supressed frustrations about I have to behave in the office and those thick glass-walls made me remember for that is a prison.
Many stuff it brought up but the most prominent is to wait for others to maybe, possibly will help for me. Not realising that I am here and all what is me is already here. And trying to 'hack/cheat' the system instead of changing me and direct me to sort out the complicated 'creation' of me to be able to be here, to remain all ways here. And not to still grab the past as me and not let it go unconditionally when it just falls and even obviously was a nasty stuff.
The mechanism inside me is quite complicated - as a half year cycle was the point when I started to become really unconfortable around me because obviously I can see that did not work to 'get stable experiences of the real me' so I always stepped out, easily just like walk down from the stage and after a long walk when I judged something as 'will be cool'(in hope) I started to reform an another 'stage', when I can do the same - but in different skin. So, many forgiveness points opened up.
Also very assisting to realise that if I let me go in the mind totally - I am absolutely not here and then absolutely preprogrammed I operate and when I realise - I am doing the stuff like step out immediately and stop but not sorting out the situation where I got - and by this it will reoccur. Specificly I will take the situations because I smell big loops here.

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