Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Fascinating what I started to explore - a total new universe - my body.
Sometimes I just realise that hey I experience this body - lately especially my hands - palms. I just breath here and I experience my palm as quite intensely - more intensely than before. It is like full of relaxed - or if not then i can do relax them.
I just breath and I experience my hereness as my palms. Interesting.
Atm I just see how much I struggle with one point periodically in my life:
To be here - be confortable and breath. Wohohoho. Slowly. So.
I start from the begining.
When I was kid - I have memories when I was alone in the bed - preparing to sleep and I was not sleepy at all - and I was tried to relax myself to just do sleep. And I always feared to fall out from the body - like when I breath and I am unifying myself to focus to my body as one - and simply the fear comes that I loose myself - what if I fall out - because it really happens. So this fear I embrace - this fear I explore - this fear I understand - this fear I forgive - release and just let it go.

What I can loose at this moment if I would die?
I wanted to make some musics, videos and of course realise myself and express me here on this earth as who I really am. Everything has been specifically prepared - I am not aware of but sometimes just I trust me and that trust is untouchably stable as who I am as expression as life.
I want to recorrect my expression with the beings who I participated with - because I let myself refracted trough space and time - persons, events, beings, what are related to my memory - and trough my behaviour, my expression. So as it is inverted - I walk trough my accepted and allowed 'creation' to stop participate to be able to direct - and the direction is to assist birthing life from phisical - me as all here.
So what else I would like to do before death? Pay back some money.
So let's do the music and video. Now all plugins I have, now I rebought my favorite kind of MIDI just without thinking - so I express me as doing this.
I tried to make a 'discipline practice' every night a hour but the cellphone says and I dont do. The idea was <--- idea! that I sit or really does not matter what I do but to absolutely commit myself to be here and self-forgiveness aloud and directing me as breath. But after some occassions I slipped away. Interesting. At the second time I started to do vlogs - and the doing vlog is quite effective to remain here.
So. That's it.
So my hands are quite cool experience - and it is all about to break the habbit to return to the mind expression. Because this is the accepted and allowed nature what I correct. Even the slightest movements will change soon of my body as I experience more intensely myself within and as this body.
Many times I just realise that I am doing something and my hands are in a kind of forced grip - like strongly holding the desk or the mouse while waiting for some seconds until something loads up - and especially when I am not sure about what will happen - for example installing a cracked software and after ten minutes install it is still struggling and after throws an error message and after a click it says problem but maybe can be solved haha.
Or now just did a video composition(just a slideshow about human vampires) and the render after ten minutes always fails at the middle - I try different settings, differnet formats but since hours it still sucks. Again. Unrecognised exception. Pff.
Always this hope. The hope I have to get rid off - because hope sucks away self-trust here.
Also I experience my walk started to change - as I walk - I walk.
Self-forgiveness I am. I am grateful that I am here - but in fact I was always here and I will be always here.
Day by day I experience more and more awareness. But. This is just a perception.
Still sometimes have this burning chest when I force breathing.
When trying to breath properly while allowing some thoughts - like seeing one breath as 100 - and after each 5 I can release a thought - and meanwhile my mind can perceive - little silences - what are deception - because still energetically participating and can be perceived as stable - but in fact very robotic and very dishonest. This cheating stuff - as I still let this hope in I can cheat myself - I can cheat my system out - like playing with random numbers - gambling - and even participating with the energetical excitedness.
Also in mornings I see now I swallowing with and as thoughts and dont stand up in the moment when I get awake - because of this thoughts-emotional-energy mind system - as I definied this 3D reality and my abilites trough my energetical states - and by this being sure that I always feed off consciousness - and by defining myself as it - automaticly remaining my own slave.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to slice up the breath trough my thoughts - trying to deceive myself - but in fact one breath is one breath - absolutely inner silence or not - no middleway.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within desire sometimes about with my ex - how would be cool to just kiss or etc - this system has to stop - desire system. I am here. The desire is for to experience - to express me - so I desire me - I desire me - but as I desire - because I do not experience here - so I stop desire and I realise that I am here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to experience me as one body as me as equal here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from falling out from my body, just because I had theese experiences when I was kid.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to fear from loosing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear to experience myself.
I forgive myself that I actually believed that when I use my mind instead of breathing here - I could be more effective - this is just fear based to use the same patterns always what by memory worked - but in fact this is what enslaves me. So I stop systematicality.
I forgive myself that I made habit of supressing my expression - even when I am alone to manifes thoughts. In fact that is I am alone or with others - merely just a perception.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my anger - because I was angry of myself that I can not control me - and I became angry to others because I had the perception that I have to be in control to not exert the anger because of others and their opinions and power.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that the breath as presence is who I am and if I supress the breath - I supress me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge zach as so stupid ho can be someone instead of realising that I judge me - as my reaction to my memory by my memory trough the addiction as the mind - because in the moment of I realise I can not change his perception - I accept what is here and I direct me to breath.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to deceive myself trough trying to find relationship - especially sexual- and believing, or hoping that 'maybe I could find a girl who can be in agreement with me to support us as one as equal'. - Even when I tried to 'find' a girl - I said inside that - I direct me to find a girl - haha - deception. I stop.
Even the simply stopping I can see an another deception - when I have a chance to meet with someone - right after I can start to be embarrassed about 'I do not want too much time to spent on this, because I have much todos' - because I accept to be slave of time - as I let myself to perceive that I do not have enough time. Fear of I can not express myself - that is quite refracted and streched out within myself.
Actually to fear from not being able to express who I am - because the addiction to get always feedback - because if I dont - then I could quiestion even the whole experience - IS THIS REAL? IS THIS REALLY WHO I AM? WHAT IF I am not real? Fear of not being. Fear of not being real. lol
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I am is not rea.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to realise that What I actually am is not real.

Ok the render now does not says error and stops -but the whole window freezes out whitely and the saandwatch plays - Lets figure out.
Cool to write - lol with this 2 laptop one for vlog-net - one is for 'work'.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being robot by learning much technical stuff.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to accept that I have to learn many specific little operations on computer to be able to become very effective.
Especially to handle the video editor program - systematically go trough the production process and optimize all little specific movements and experience inner movements - those are specifically showing the separation what I accept.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from that I can not do this or I wont be able to do this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to direct my presence totally as one as equal as my influence expands I direct what is here - what I experience here within and as myself as self-trust in oneness and equality.

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