Because this STOP is what I really am actually - STOP.
Let see what I see just any words
Seems like I want to do those stuffs what I definied as I can do as self-expression, especially making music, video or dancing - instead of just doing - I analyze.
Analising now is necessary because even the mind-dishonesties I am used to manifest and in the manifestation seeing it is me or not - and some are re-occurs accoding to my self-application as self-realisation here.
I give up desire for women I said and I still want to give up and that probably means I still try to hold it as self-occupation, self-definition - but it is not - I want support and touch and to being able to let go the comphounded emotional energies what is re-occuring again and again moment by moment and I found the really extravagant ways to just do it accoding to the situation what I placed myself in.
This extravagant is specific because I definied me as special - due to my occupation about self-freedom and wildly wanting to break trough my limits. And today I just told a story again from my past to my workmates and they just were like ' really?' and I said yes - I was speaking about a matriarchatic community where are less the sexual limits and women's task is mainly to produce and support kids' - and they believe that I am an adventurer - but that was just a desire in childhood to be this and I did things like that but nothing really sirious - except to finding out what is really going on here - but anyway I let this happen and I would like to just not to speak and it is cool when I realise that I just do this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my writing and wanting to delete the last section LOL. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form an adventurer personality design and limit myself in and as it to being able to see and reflect me as this to others and trough others to me of coursee.
So today I said to someone that ok I stop desire and seek for woman but if an opportunity just steps forth - I wont hesitate - but in fact I already manifested my 'path' what is preprogrammed and I know what kind of would be but not sure and in this I said : ok I stop giving energy to build this desire more, but what I manifested I want to take I want to hope that maybe a girl will come and I will do whatever I wanted in the illusion that "I do not want to do this anymore, but if comes would be separation to seclude me." Interesting.
So tricky. And just saw videoclip trance dance and I was like - I would like to dance at party - and I was like in the next moment at the psychedelic trance festival where are many 'friends' actually, almost all who are known as who I hang with lately - and I was like for a moment I let this imagination about ok I am dancing and next moment I was like ok too much travel, too much money, too much time so I stay and I was like maybe here in the city I could find similar - but wont - those musics are specific - and anyway I experience this : now I have full 2 days and when this occurs I lost my focus - as I definied this as joy as "having 2 days nothing to do" and entertainment past-definition came up - and will see what happens.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can loose my discipline.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word discipline.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to attach meaning or definition to the word discipline as being able to focus intensely on something without changing position, eyefocus, or even allowing one thought - instead of realising the discipline means I am here and I focus here and I experience here as me as one as equal as breath.
I am discipline. I am one and equal as discipline as me as here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to jump into a pre-definied mindset in a moment to being able to not being here totally - and just bombing me with the definitions of the past related to the situation - as for example dancing at a tranceparty. So I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be always here as my presence as my breath - no thoughts, no emotions, no feelings.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I do not want to touch, fondle, experience woman - instead of seeing that the desire is still here - what happened is just I see it more clearly and I see it more as me and I experience this I can direct more likely - and in this I develop self-trust to choose being here as breath and in and as this letting go the definitions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to rush - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define moving as phisical moving - and by this limiting me to be here only when I move - and in dishonesty still maintaining separation and allowing and accepting that when I do not move phisically would mean that I am stilled and my mind moves and directs me and I let it as me.
I stop my mind trough breath and focusing body as my location as my silence here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being totally exposed - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the kind of experience as being on a stage especially when many people watch my 'expression-show' - and in that I loose myself as trough the definition of them (what I built up) determining my expression and trough the self definied perceptional way determining their response and again determine that somehow and by this loosing totally who I really am as just expression here as simply as I just breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to want to kill or push away from the scene my friend who I have to pay back the money, because I definied it as 'much time' - and regreting that I can not go to SA NOW - instead of realising that I am here - not really matters where I am - I am me as me as who I am as life in oneness and equality - and the unification is already here just have to realise.
I forgive myself that I definied myself according to my phisical placement on this earth - not realising that I am HERE as all as life - the 3D is just merely holographic mind-illusion and can be released this one dimensional perception if letting go all definitions practically.