This sickness is like a contract - a connection - a giving/getting.
I give my strength, I get back my weakness.
For the weaken to be awaken?
This women issues looks like total bullshit - at the moment I manage breath trough these issues - the mind-desire and the sex desire - totally separated stuffs but in fact it is just like multiple-pillared mind-worm - caterpillar-like consctructional surreal uncutted kidneypushing breathtaking small moments when I realize the ironic smell of my own bullshit.
Never sewer the fever bever beaver!
So this sharp short pains in right kidney happen quite often in this last some days.
Stop pretending, stop projecting, stop fighting, stop playing.
Still I tend to play the cosmic consciousness act - because people pulls a trigger what I never ocnsidered - and self-honesty sharply pains and I see the hidden reflection of me inside the robot's personality of my own expression.
Spiritual bullshit and great wisdom people do like to wave but this is for their mindpeace but undoubtfully weak for protecting the weaving of the lakemirror's wholeness when the rock falls.
And I find myself to not be this falling rock into their lake and then in the next moment I can not judge myself because I did not pushed myself - because it is totally gone. So this kind of issue is quite remarkable - if I push myself in every moment then I can not be blamed by myself - because I am aware - that I do anything what is possible in every moment - so this gives me the trust - or gives the way to realize that I am my trust.
Like in the work - I sit in office, I push me and the job is being pushed, and is being solved - if not - then I have to push - that's it.
In this project - I pushed myself to the limits - and it's great - I experienced something new - the obsession of self-occupation - what I do is that what I do and I do it and I enjoy to do it and I am doing it and this is who I am.
This only I experienced before in party-life when I was kind of spiritual-guy who could be quite deep in the trips and I was aware that I am silent - but as I literally engineered this to happen - I had to pay for the process - because it was based on chemical - and big shoot ment to get the big fall.
I got a tiny realization about how much mind-garbage I've participated and all I will have face again and stop reaction until everything of me stops.
I experienced blue energy-strains around in space - kind of salvia-shit flash-back was - with the eyes of consciousness. Trippy stuff - manifested mind-prison of me one and equal here.
Observation one more - right nose is stuck - this happens when I participate too much thoughts - it stuck and when I allow myself to breath - just breath - this always goes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always wanted to be somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be just like somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be like those who apparently are capable of doing incredible things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted to be musician like those who I know from personal memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself to not trust myself but want to copy others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to liste to others about I have to copy others in order to find my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to emotional suppressions and automated reaction systems according to the manifested dishonesties within myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize