mark

Mark
Painfriendly straightwalking warming citybreeze as feelingless directive unsuppressed extension.

Facenhit what opposed as boss level retry saved & tomorrow will be reloaded as unconfigured service refused as typo negative occured secret bloody tiredness of swampy fustiness by unopened retreat of inbloom soundflowers of self.


At caffee as ox-western post-attitude with those unreal huggirls and 2D boy-assets and the bitter de-aggressioned beauty of service as bar as job as shiny skin with teared black ex-jungle-Jane costume and smart and smooth painwalk out to by very soon.

not enough

I lost my satisfaction.
I am here and I am conscious how much dishonesty I am allowing. The conscious word can be describing as if I would be aware - then I would not even allow this for a long...
Strange, but I want much more than I can do at this moment, but this brings up the question that how 'much' I can do related to actually what I do?

What is bothering me within me is this addiction to energy and it is absolutely not here when I am with others - but if I am alone - I have this experience of realizing 'old' habits and within the next moment I say: 'I wont do that again' - kind of resistance - and then I am within a state that I can really believe that this is enough - but in fact some examples already showed me that it is not enough: as if I say for instance, I feel this urge - let's say desire to be aroused - then I immediately resist - saying 'NO' - but obviously I say 'NO' as a self-containment, self-calming, some kind of manifesting hope - instead of seriously, accuratedly practically living this NO.
And it is quite 'maintainable' until my so called 'energy' does not drop. For instance getting sleepy and tired. Then instead of going to rest or a short body-resting meditation - - I use the arousing method by pictures and then I am not tired.
Even if could happen that I start to look pictures or movies what make me aroused - and strange because I do not want to stop being aroused - simply 'enjoying myself and then it's done' - because then I would get this kind of shame/regret/energy drop and then I would be at the same point when I started to be aroused...
But am I not seeing that when I am getting aroused, I am not myself, because this arousedness is growing growing and I am not directing anymore but I am giving myself into this arousedness until I am really tired or the release is just happens - like touching myself and having an energetic orgasm and then it's over - but until that I am just arousing myself...and then being 'defeated' because I was dishonest because I aroused myself with pictures.
This picture-obsession somehow stopped being within my head - and I am quite uncapable directly 'imagining' pictures, girls, things etc within my head anymore - it was seriously developed but somehow it is not feels cool. because it is so transparently self-deception.
So physical pictures, movies I use and inside still react and this reaction makes me aroused and makes me away from here and interesting that then I am loosing my direction.
And meanwhile there are some opportunities about one-two girl would be glad to be with me within the bed but in fact I do not want this really... Maybe with one girl I would want - but then I am still aware that this is also self-deception, and it brings up some doubt about this 'desire'.

So I simply fed up with all of this shit, so I am writing myself out of this and finding a practical way to stand up and embrace all and be here as breath and self-directive principle as self-honesty and self-forgiveness...

-
How this happened? I made myself a strange statement about now I do not have for self-pushing as my time all goes for work and issues what I desired for to manage and those I've defined as necessary for what I want to do later on, especially related to music, film.

So as I stopped to apply self forgiveness on a disciplined way such as some months ago I applied - something started to compound and I was aware of it of course but I was like some time I could live - and this was separation, self-deception, self-containment, self-procrastination.

Well, it's about time to realize what I jumped onto.
Some points I realized within this last years since I injected some rules into my days.
These rules were for such an experiment:
-No alcohol, no drugs, no meat -- at all: 18 months were I rejected these and how affected me?

Alcohol was obviously the first one what I had to step. When I say to somebody that I NEVER drink it anymore, people tend to suspect that I am an alcoholic. LOL. And if I mention that my father WAS an alcoholist - the circle is closed...I do not go into verbal muscletest anymore, rather I use common sense: alcohol has bad effect on me and I am not myself when I drink and it is literally killing my body, so why should I poison myself? Even when people do say 'a little is good' - I do not agree and they do not realize that that little also alters their mind - from their perspective - 'for good'. Hmm. How sceptic I am.
Drugs. Strange - interesting to see how much I've defined myself as drug, as drugged, habits related to drugs and people related to drugs. I've just cut myself away from these. Some I am still in contact with(people) but most are gone(from my live).
Interesting realization that since I stopped smoking and blowing my mind, I work at a place - no change, no escape, no travel, no need loan etc...
So much I've spent for drugs before! Holy shit, hundreds of thousands month by month...
But also I experience this kind of 'digging into'-sness - I am a bit digged at this moment - this consciousness I am within - and AS - before my tool was the acid and mushroom to not allow myself to deeply interact with this society - I've defined myself as a some sort of shaman who is living at the edge of the common consciousness and doing these trips within the vast undefined for exploration of self.
But this is over - I am exploring my own consciousness, my own mindness, my own self-created self-containment as referred as Talamon as Jozsef Berta within this human society.
The acid was a handy tool to remove all connections with the 'outer world' from my perspective - but as I see it now - it was a defense mechanism. It was a mechanism what I used to not being touched by the world, to be able to go into my 'crystal-palace' to remain as I perceived myself to be.
Now I am here and no more blow - and I see that when I do not fuck my mind with substances - I am quite similar than the others - pretty much - I mean - what the fuck?
Wake up, going to work, sitting at the computer, being busy with buying, eating, playing, desiring for woman and power and money and of course time - and then going to sleep and dreaming intensely and on the next day start all over -- of course spiced with some tiredness, pain, resistance.

This no-drug strategy made me aware about who I really became within this existence.
The self-honesty, and self-explorative self-intimated writing with the specific, absolute living expression of self-forgiveness is the solution.
What I've transcended already? Well I do not know, even I do not care, but I am aware that I still tend to being mind-fucked by a pretty girl face when I allow myself to define it 'beautiful' - this is what I became aware some days ago...
Interesting because I do not want to have a relationship, I do not want to being addicted to arousement, I do not want to be with a girl only for sex and I do not want to lie(for myself and for anybody else) about this - especially when somehow being with a girl and then I am not directing but my desire is manifesting and I move(for instance kissing a girl who I do not want to kiss really) and then this brings up some strange events, like for instance that particular girl want me in bed and I do not want it but if I do not stand up and say what is inside then the event will occur and will be intense as it is not being directed as me as one as equal but somehow it is being determined by the suppression, dishonesty to reveal who I became to realize who I am not to be able to realize what is real here.

Hm so interesting. Even my sight is quite liquid - at this moment is is not so sharp than some days before - will see... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to see what is near me.
This indicated that I do not see what is directly here, because I see pictures within my mind...
So drugs - sometimes this urge can come up about 'let's eat some grams of mushroom' to clear my mind but I am also sceptic with that stuff, even when I could say that is the most 'natural' shit of all...
Because it would not be an escape and step-back? For sure yes...
But this brings up the fact that I can pretend something what I am not, so everything is compounding, and it is really systematic, and I still tend to listen to it and 'giving myself into' it as a slave, as a drone of the system by trsting within the system about 'it will give me the best' - instead of realizing that is self-deception, I am not taking self-responsibility.
Because the fact is that I am here, right here within this 3D existence and I have to do everything for myself - noone else will do it -- and I am sure that I do not want to fuck myself up by dieing on a day and realizing that I missed the opportunity to stop the mind stabiliy within 3D, just because I had excuses and desires...

So let's stop desire - not slowly, but directly, not participating - and I did some times already - when I tend to react and being attracted - I say self-forgiveness and direct myself to be here and breath and kind of embracing the whole of me and 'teaching myself' to release by realizing that is not necessary.

Because also so much I would like to do but this urge about desire makes me move on a way what take my 'precious' time totally when I do not work at the office...

Somehow this DISCIPLINE what I still lack.
And when I 'had' this before - that was with drugs - the drug was transformed into discipline, even without drugs, because I had just remind me that this is the same when I am on drugs, and that was so often, that all was melted into one...

Discipline I need? How and when and why and with what I've separated myself from discipline?

This samurai mentality I've defined as useful - and I've spent quite amount of 'time' to persuade myself that I am developing discipline - it was by motivation - I wanted something and this discipline I've used - but in fact this was never real from the literal meaning of discipline.
For instance when I paint - I pain, I mean I am painting. This can be referred as discipline - but no artificial injection was necessary - because I was the brush, the color, the paper - so I manifested myself as the painting.

So the discipline I've defined as something abstract what is a kind of universal energy - and this discipline was well maintainable with weed - when I wanted to play or make music - I smoked and I did it for hours - and when I wanted to paint - I smoked and then I painted. So the drugs were kind of pointers within my mind - and of course the effect - because when I used weed, I liked when it has real effect, not just some - because then I had the perception that 'I had enough stuff' - or more than was necessary - and this came from the idea of egodeath - with acid - when it was not too much - it was not enough - because when it's too much - then the ego is struggling with it's survival - and when it's too much - the ego cant contain all - so it is being pushed down or being explored -- of course for a while only - but that 'time' was quite enough for me to 'pace myself' and get rid of the latest connections with existence to remain this kind of 'abstract, untouched' person.
Because I had burned myself several times and I tried to avoid it...
For instance with love, with people, with myself - and I was in panic but with psychedelics, I could program myself to contain all this shit and sometimes push it down and sometimes just simply blow it all away(the mind-set-tree-consciousness system diagram what was used for defining who I am)...

But this always 'grew' back - it was so organic - after the trips, thought by thought similar I've built up and the interesting was that every time I've built it up - somehow it accomodated more likely than the previous...
I've called these as 'lives' just like reincarnation within the same body...
But I had the struggle to handle this with common sense...

These charging outs were the starting point of my self-definition, because these were the only one stable point within my life -- I mean the life what I wanted to see for myself by myself as myself -- and the other sides I never even considered to look at it, the shadow of me...
The shadow of me what was the 'real' part of me what made me grow as the opposite...

And this shadow had the fear, doubt, disbelief, the regret, the shame and the tiredness, agression, depression.

These I've contained as suppression or denied as attention divertion and the whole mystic exploration were about to (re?)discover these as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procastinate.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath here as moment as me as life as me as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define time and by my definition I am within the limit of time, by participation of time I am within and as time - and as this I am only my own limit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time, instead of realizing that time is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am alone, I am tend to use thoughts instead of being here as act as the living words.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was compromising myself by defining that I do not have time for self exploration and self honesty instead of realizing that was an act as attempt of trying to escape from myself, to deny who I am already to be able to avoid self-responsibility for myself as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define something about to 'not to' - and if I am not push myself to remain here - then when I am not the directive principle - it will be made by myself indirectly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not the directive principle when I give myself into definitioins, hope or projecting out the self-trust, to be able to see, because I doubt myself and then doubting the whole real-ness of me -- and by this revealing myself to myself about I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for having sex with woman to prove myself that I am worthy for being a company for women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy when I am able to be with woman and giving pleasure to her and when I am not doing this for a while, questioning myself about am I real man?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to arousedness to fight against tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself and wanting to fight because I've defined some parts of me as stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being controlled by others by my desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define faces as beautiful and being attracted to these beautiful faces.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am attracted to that what I've defined as beautiful because I defined myself as separated from beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I give up on myself even for a breath - I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express self-interest, not considering all as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to develop practical solution to stop participate within arousedness by accepting and allowing it because I am defining myself as it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to say what I do and to do what I say as one as equal all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself because I did not stand up unconditionally when I had something defined as 'bad' within childhood, because I had not practical solution how to stand up for and as me and then defining myself as this 'did not stand up' and then becoming angry with myself about 'why' instead of realizing how it happened and how to stop it in all ways...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with multiple beings because I defined this as missing from my life because for years I did not dared to be with a girl and it compounded - release it unconditonally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'go forwards' within my head and defining what is here as 'unimportant' or 'unnecessary' or 'boring' or 'bad' and by not being here, not being aware of the deception as separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire Gyongyos to be with and fondle her body and touch her because I've defined her as beauty. I delete this definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have somebody within my mind as an altair to worship with to being occupied and exclude the whole world except her to not need to take responsibility for all as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the game about 'let's manifest dishonesty to be aware of it because it is so ingrained and suppressed, I even am not aware of it, so just let is come out/up' - and then being obsessed with it and literally forgeting how and why I am allowing it - smells like 'loosing myself within and as consciousness'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself even for a second, because it would mean that I do not trust me, so I am not real.

ok for now, that's it

discipline will breath presence

Machines and direction

Shortly.
Machines. Here machines are fucked up. About 7-8 times I installed the operating system and this one is still not clear - I mean trojans, viruses, these tiny, almost unreal bastards are real pain in my virtual ass within my external physical devirtualized memorybag called hard drive...
To reinstall the opsys on this laptop - is just like going to take a shit - became quite regular in this last week, I did not do anything particular only formatting, installing, ok some movies I saw, those were spectacular, but anyway, I am getting enough - so now I am running these antiviruses to rid of the shit : VIRUT.NBP
I found interesting how I allow the compromise within my life and in fact I see that what I dreamed before is going to manifest almost literally and in fact I can stop it but as I desired it - it is already here, if I anticipate, if I deny - too late - so better to face and breath...
I even could not refer it as 'bad' as this could be very handy later on, but I had this kind of sense that I am not the directing principle fully here, and the question is why and how I accept it - with my acknowledge and responsibility.
The price of rice - I mean: time as money?
So this tiny studio takes all my coins away but if I pretend to play that it is so close - well, if I am fucking myself - if all my desires are drifting me away from breath here - then I am the unreal separation of conditional externalized virtual creation somewhere over the rainbow within the electric sparks around one tiny atom...

The dreams - The dreams are telling what I do not face physically - the support if I manifest it trough definitions by past -I am not transcending only re-pe(a)ting myself with the illusion of choice and the justification of attention divertion as an onionized self-abused self-mind-upgrading ascension?

Not at all I am exploring this english language as I am fully aware these letters I am here or as I am breath as pushing keys as keyboard and smelling the lights trough my nose as this air is what I am breathing or the intacted outcome of my expression - is this who I am or I am wondering about wondering myself?

So dreams words connections keys ?

lonely appretiation entertainment respect joy embrace give away, stand, fight, will, walk

self forgiveness assist me these days to remain stable but some points are not deep enough
and when I am within the push - I am not surprised that the push is only push when I mean it...
so let me explore when and how I will myself and when and how I don't - I mean how I will to unwill myself?

one fun:
I was working with the QA(test-engineer)guy and we did not find the problem of the code, and I said: ok, fuck it, let's debug it and stop at the point what we are suspect to be bad and he just told me with a tone like freaked on a directed, funny way and he said:
-No, no, no, don't debug it!
-Why, let's do this
-No, no, dont debug it, a real man never debugs, just run it, it will work, do it, man, do it!

That was the moment of LOL. Of course We did the debug and helped up our ass trough that bug after ten minutes but that was something real fun...

What else I should mark without question...
I met with a girl and we had a kiss or something like that and later on I lost my interest about her, even she shared her interest about me -- strange -- why and how I managed to meet and how and why I did not wanted to have sex with her -- I mean it's strange...

Anyway I could not even do my extra job, because of the opsys continously is fucked up, so reinstalling all the time anyway, but the new machine is on it's way already, so I wont have this machine problem very soon and as I mentioned my dream comes true and I will have my studio quality sound system with a very specific kind...I am quite sure about this, even I decided to take serious amount of money back there to start to prepare for traver for later on - I could not let this go near me, because with this I can do any kind of music, to any kind of area whatever I will - I mean real, badass studio producion quality and somehow start to manage to make some real stuff and start to script and build up my second CV - as the first is my programmer IT developer about several years of company experiences - and the second one will be based on music and video to be able to slowly but surely change my work from programming to studio quality music and video - quite soon...
Will see... will share soon...
Also I opened a new blog, that will be used for sharing some practial shit about my physical movements, also the tech stuff and some artistic stuff... If I will be able, I will kick that off too - but first I will have to write several hours about to express and express myself and explore some self forgiveness points and stabilize...

Self forgiveness - satisfaction, self-deception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted.
I forgive myself that I habe accepted and allowed myself to deliberate myself with the idea of choice.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to discipline myself because of the fear of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure instead of realizing that I am here and I express and I trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear from failure, because within the past I had some intense experiences when I perceived as failure and defining myself and my abilites according those experiences instead of releasing and exploring what is here and express myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to discipline myself to be breath and act immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not enough to 'not to think' but be aware the breath - be the breath and express myself AS breath - because if not - then I can deceive myself with participation within thoughts and definitions again without noticing it - only when already made myself 'away from here', 'away from breath' and acting as a definition-systematic-expression instead of being always here as breath as life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am starting something without being aware of the breath - I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not expressing myself as the breath and stopping the thoughts and explore what is here - then I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept to 'miss' a breath even for a moment - I am deceiving myself and I am not here - and I am not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept to miss a breath even for a moment - even when I am typing - I am not self-honest - because I am not here as expression, only pre-definied system-manifestation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself trough my human physical eyes such as pictures of things, objects, beings and defining those and defining myself according to these images - and then defining the world according to the already defined relationship between my self-definition and the definition of others-things.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am accepting myself as not being aware the breath and express myself not as the breath, just 'doing something 'intuitively or automatically' - Ithen I am not self-honest, I am not here as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not aware of the breath - then it becomes my habit and then it becomes my perception about who I am and when I accept myself as this 'being unaware of the breath' - I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in order to escape from what is here, who I am and what I have already accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stimulate myself according to have my satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care only for satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction as joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from satisfaction, and then acting according to 'get' satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define satisfaction as purpose.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I used the word satisfaction as an excuse to not stand up as all as one as equal as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have my own satisfaction because I have defined myself as unsatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unsatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as unsatisfied because I've defined things what are the conditions to have or to get or to experience to have my satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the absent of satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss satisfaction instead of realizing that I am not considering to stop missing it and realize that I am everything already here.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I deceive myself when I say - ok I see it is dishonesty, but anyway, I will do it to realize my deception -- and I do it and I do not realize and I do not change - so I remain as the self-dishonesty - then I am the responsible directly for separation not for myself but for all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can stop addiction so simply just not participate anymore but I have to will myself and decide - and the motivation should not be less than all as one as equal as me within oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only by motivation instead of self expression as moment as breath as inner silence.

Forgiveness self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within the whining when things do not happen as i would like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate things what happen around me or to me when I experience dislikes - instead of being myself as directing principle and be one and equal with and as the situation - because then I am directly responsible and noone can be blamed only myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid direct involvement into acts because then I would have the responsibility - or more likely I would have to face with the direct reflection of my act - because I did something and then the consequence is directly here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself when things happened on a different way as I wanted to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whine to my mother when she gave me mashed potatoes with melted cheese what she did in microwave oven because complaining of the hotness and heat of the stuff and for the one melted cheese peace because I am unable to chew it because of my mouthscars.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my mother to do what I want - and if not then I could blame her and not realizing that she does what she believes as best for me and if I am not sharing what I want or not directly doing - then I am the responsible, not her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my mother to serve me automatically instead of being me here the directing principle and not using anybody to please me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from intense pain within my mouth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from pain within my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what my dreams about - about what I miss as transcendence point within the physical experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what I dream to not being aware about what I miss as dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me as moment as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest my fears to face them instead of being absolute self honest and releasing them unconditionally as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I decide to think - I am compounding mind-energies what will charge out somehow within my existence as one as equal as my accepted and allowed participation within the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within choice about to actually think is good or solution or a defense from what I became already as structural resonance system within and as human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people instead of instantly realizing the self-defined self-relationship with my accepted and allowed separation as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being disciplined and focused to do what I do until it's done - by allowing myself to bouncing between occupations without focusing onto and as one and doing it as the total absolute presence as me - and pushing myself trough my limits.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that why I do the bouncing between occupations such as making music, videos, wanting things or trying other things out and after a while putting away them and choosing another - I do this instant self-divertion to not realize that after a while my own limits I face - and instead of pushing myself trough these self-defined self-contained limits - I simply give up and chosing another expression by using external excuses why I can not continue this expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I always step back because of excuses For instance to make my electric-dance-music - not making the tracks because of the lack of sound quality or the lack of the lack of those synths or equipments what I defined as necessary to make my own music - instead of realizing the fact that I am here and I can do whatever I want if I will myself and push myself and trust myself unconditionally and absolutely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make music to prove to myself that I can do musiclike art - instead of just expressing myself as the music as one as equal as who I am as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define music as art as special instead of just being one and equal with and as music within oneness and equality as inner silence without any memories popping up while listeninig or making music and breathing naturally here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself unconditionally because of the response of others would hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that I define myself according to others by my own definitions about normal and cool - instead of being here as moment and breathing and expressing myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself naturally as what is within me - instead of realizing that if I have something to shame or as dishonesty - then as I am experiencing it - I can release immediately as self-forgiveness and self-corrective application -- or expressing the inner dishonesty and within the physical act realizing my self-dishonesty and applying self forgiveness and self-correcting application as stopping immediately -- or AFTER I expressed dishonesty then by taking the consequences realizing the fact that is not who I really am as all life as one as equal and then applying self forgiveness and correcting my act to not pacticipate anymore as being aware of my accepted and allowed dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with the illusion of now of consciousness by wanting everything right now and by that not considering all life as one as equal and revealing my self-interest and self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to have a physical relationship with a girl because then that would determine and help me to remain mind consciousness system by the delusion of love and peace and joy instead of realizing that all beings are me as one as equal and a self-interested relationship wont last forever and then I will face with myself deliberately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical beauty as the most important to choose who to be with.
I forgive myself that I havent accepted myself as who I am as Jozsef Berta and wanted to have another personalities what would gave the impression of I am not this person really - instead of realizing that who I am is in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I desire after a girl to be with and fondle with and hugging with and kissing with - I am desiring for myself, as I defined joy, pleasure and beauty as such beings as girls, women, sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to be happy when I have a relationship with a beautiful woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enwy to people who have a relationship with a appaarent beautiful girl, woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beings according to my self-defined system called: beauty.
I forgive myself to desire to be with beautiful-bodied girls and women because then what I see is who I define myself with and as and therefore I could define my existence as beautiful or pleased.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as beauty. I am unifying myself here as beauty as one as equal as inner silence and being aware about not to define beauty in any wah whatso ever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy and pleasure according to how much suppressed energetic system I can release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from containing too much compounded emotional energies because then these could harm me by overwhelming body experiences or simply just loosing my head and giving into acts in order to release these manifestations and not me as self expression be the directive principle but the self-accepted consequence of the participation of the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go away from my here ness to go to the SA farm to get assistance to stop self-dishonesty -- instead of trusting me here and not allowing myself to deceive myself and directing myself to explore self-corrective application as applying self-forgiveness and writing and sharing self-honesty unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire or believe that the portal or bernard or andrea or the others at the farm could make my process easier instead of realizing that I am always here who I am and my responsibility to stop the participation within the mind and explore who I really am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to forgive myself - revealing myself that I trust within my experiences as memories as personality instead of trusting myself here as expression as breath.