Tiny winy

Writing down the standing up. I push myself to be direct without writing some page of bullshit first and then getting to the point. Here is the point:

Discipline - Motivation - Principle


I insert these into moments - what this means practically?

Discipline - I discipline myself to remain always here as physical - no thoughts

Motivation - responsibility - if I do not experience directly my influence to the world - that does not mean that everything is all right - I have to stop to be able to see the current situation of earth directly for myself - as myself.

Principle - Oneness and equality - as all as one as equal as life - this explains everything - this principle if I push myself - first I can see trough my bubbles and then I can push myself trough them and when here is no bubble - then I realize the truth - that this is not a choice but this is who I am.

I had a dream at night and somehow it was CHOICE related and I went trough multiple processes and the choice in itself as a meaning - was not here anymore -- choice does not exists - only temporally purpose what makes the dishonest be able to believe that actually this is life - in fact - absolutely not -- what life is what is leaving behind the poor who are dieing from hunger?

My tendency is to absolutely focus on what I do - easily can become a some sort of obsession - as energetically I am pushing every part of my intent into it - an entity is being built up and this entity is like a steamtrain - a huge and heavy space vessel - what forms gravity and even I was wondered about after a point, it can be referred as an instance of evil. Indeed - a simple practice of self-will easily can become a so strong self interested systematic consciousness movement - so then I am becoming smaller that what I created - it is like a mechanic - I build a huge machine and then I start it and it can not be stopped, only when it is overloading and simply explodes or something like that.
I referred it to be evil because self interest can be defined as evil - because then I do not care, I am not opened, I am not momentary expression as breath - because of the fear that without this strong mind-fist -- I cannot reach what I desire.

So - I assume that I do not trust within my self-will enough, so I use energy to be ensured that I get what I want. It is like a ceremony - some kind of ritual with mind - to summon energy.
Also this point as being opened revealed: desire, doubt, fear.

I fear that without desire - I lost my motivation? - so did I define myself according to my desires? According to my fears? What if all was wrong? Of course. I resonated with my parents and all beings around me - I became the others literally - father, mother, grandpa, grandma - If i look these beings - I should be aware the self-contamination by and as them - what I allowed, I managed and I defined myself as this - so I can stop it - as simply as I move and breath -and forgive and release and live. So let be the motivation is the placement of disciplined principle as all as one as equal.


After these words - what I can find within myself related to these issues?

My desires? My intents? My plans?
Let's start from down to up from the perspective of living within this system. No, it's not a maslow-pyramide but the idea what I use-is similar to it.

1 - I work at the office. One of the biggest international multi-broadcasting-media corporation on earth. As long I go to work - it supplies me money. Some more than 1200euros per month. Not much but here it is enough to have the basic and be able to spend some for what I am interested in.
I never worked so much before than here. I wanted to prove that I can work good - it occured. My boss tells me every month. One and half year - I can say - it is stable stuff in my life. Never was. Before I was doing jobs for some months - and I was so fucking high almost every night so everything was fuzzy and I was in the tornado. But now as I am sober - something changes. I am becoming the tornado. Sometimes it's still dizzy - I am falling even sometimes for loong-loong hours - but I am sure that this works. Some months ago I started to wonder about how long I gonna stay here. In fact around winter(4-5 months later) I want to go. I plan to visit SA if it's possible and then do this kind of job a bit furthermore - but not in Hungary -- rather in a place where I can get 10 times more money - not for greed. But for being able to direct the situations - yes with money as well. Responsibility. No escape anymore.

2- my tiny winy studio - Very soon it will be ready - I mean on a semi-professtional way - to compose, make, produce music - whatever I want. Already several projects are in the air but I have to push myself and make them into real songs.
This is what I wanted since I took those acid blotters - I experience much-much music-related things I want to express - so I will.
Quite an invest - and it can be neverending - there will be always a new card/synth/audio system/effect/mic etc what can be a new aim to have it -- so I will freeze this once I will start to make the music.
In fact I feel - while I work at the office - I do not have enough time to make music. But I have question this because I wrote 'I feel' - feelings can be deceiving - as self-programming.

3-Girl. Undoubtable that I want a girl - not only for having sex but for self-assistance - self-reflection, self-facing. Much issues are programmed within me since from childhood - and then the previous relationships with several girls - many transcendence points are available. Main ones are: desire, jealousy, fear.
If I open these up more - I want a beautiful woman who can fullfill me - typical UCF program shit - I am forgiving as I met with GY - but some points are still hidden.
I have to be aware to not desire relationship - and she pulls back almost always when I push this area - or even when I tend to kiss long and with those kind of touches - she jush pulls up a wall and says it is too much. And I say - it is not enough and I feel separation. And she says - this kind of 'relationship' between us is just perfect and I say one day I will give up this intent and then this will be finished. She already started to worry about then I will not see her - so I smell the mindfuck - I have to act - when we meet - immediately - before I still allow some shit to manifest. Actually I have no idea what would be the best for her and me and for all...
From one side - I am aware that I support her - in stability in self trust in self-enjoyment, she supports me within opening myself up, bringing things here from past to be able to face and many times supportting just be me who I am without concepts - innocence. And then when I 'speak too much' - all can fall - and I simply want her and our thin intimate touch becomes thick and I am almost 'forced' or 'compelled' to want to have her totally entirelly and wanting to have sex and push the limitations and definitions away...
Because I've defined sex as an ultimate way to dissolve walls between me and a girl - and a way when we literally can exchange our point of view, not only for minutes but for real. So in sex - I felt like we are really giving and receiving -- of couse it can be a mindfuck as the mind consciousness systems are stabilizing each other as a one system - but in fact if self-assistance is here -- it can be assisting.

So it is interesting - but what makes me dizzy within this - that I can not trust in her - as she does not show all her sides - I even do not trust in her when she just says 'I'll be back in a minute' - because there is a chance that she gets something interesting or intense impression and only after hours comes back - or goes into a party and then said - she was kissing with multiple boys and then she regrets it a little - but I am even not sure that she is really regreting it at all:)
Of course this brings out what do I want from her and how much and: WHY?

If I use common sense - I can say - she is not able to stand one and equal at this moment - but as I am here - she is here - I do not separate her from me - and when I say this - I mean it -- and in this moment I realize: what things I do not like in her - is exactly what I am like!!!
I can not trusted, I am not stable and I am being directed by outer impressions.
But this means that she could be also jealous and when I was seeing the firefly series and at the end the girl was crying when the guy was having sex with an other girl - the first thought was also: I can try what she would react if I would be with an other girl -- so this is also a typical mindfuck situation what many humans do on earth and mixing shit more up - dishonesty, dishonesty.

So I meant to these kind of stuffs what she can bring up from me - and I do not want to manipulate her - because this manipulation should go on emotional and intellectual level - and I do not want this -- so it is like a situation what is really temporally and quite intense yet as long as I am self-honest and I even express it towards her as well and stabilizing it for myself and scripting up and forgiving myself immediately -- it is assisting.

Also when I wont be able to be self-directive within self-honesty - probably the whole thing will fall - so this is not an option.
First of all - she wanted to live in Firenze from september - but she stayed.
She said she wants this to be not a relationship but also not 'just' a relationship.

My tendency is to not being satisified with middle-ways -- the poles within me can be very-very sharp -- do something with full power -- or do not do it at all...

Also from the point of self-interest-- I feel sometimes that she is of it -- but I can not stop reflecting it back to me - so probably when I realize this - I am realizing it about me - about how much I define myself and my interest about her and in fact about the 'possible things what we could do together' - what are of preprogrammed dreams mostly.


Hmm what else?
Desteni SRA training -- I manage to participate within it -- I am aware of it is the most effective way to stabilize and embrace and unify self -- and also I have to move my ass to SA to be with these guys.
Because in the begining of desteni assistance with me - I wanted to ask so much - but with chatting with dimensions - they always said to me - Tala - you will find out.
So this made me reminded that I am alone - I have to it for myself as myself.
But it can be also too much when I remind myself too much for this - because then I am remaining the same as I was - alone in the desert and fighting against the sandstorm instead of being practical.
Do I need assistance? I mean I am not bleeding - but this sexual desire sometimes is getting so intense - because I suppressed it, because I still deny my sexual expression, because I tend to handle my human physical body as a machine...

And all of it was, because I've separated myself from my breath. I am breathing I am here - I could not separate myself from my breath - only I am not aware of I am breath.

Ok then many points became visible - some: again - some firstly being written.
Self forgiveness is required.

I forgive myself that I havent accepted to stand up unconditionally in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standup conditionally - instead of realizing that I stand up - is not of condition - is about who I am and who I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself and for others as me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as a separated definition from me - to define discipline as conditional - as something what helps me to get what I want - instead of realizing that discipline I am as expression as inner silence - do I dare myself to express as discipline as self-presence within and as myself or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live by a principle - as I never was able to define myself according to a principle - until I realized the simplicity and the truth of the discipline of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what principle would mean and define those who are living by principle as followers, believers.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I judge somebody based on a word - I am judging my own definitions towards to these specific words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with what I am doing - by believing that compounding energies and using it would be the way to make it done - instead of being here as breath as inner silence without ANY judgement, purpose, trusting me and expressing me who I am already.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop when I realize - I am compounding energy and this energy will determine my expression - will influence my perception - will be me until it vanishes.
I forgive myself that I have not dared myself to realize - that I am deceiving myself when I have a 'tiny aware moment' about I am actually of mind - and then I say - "Let's go further to see what this manifests and then I will learn from it" - instead of not going into the same self-made self-delusional traps every day by hoping that one day automatically I will fed up with my programmed self-accepted behaviour.

I forgive myself to fear to stating out that self-interest is evil - because then I would be called as nazi as I am seeing only black or white -- instead of realizing that then I would reveal to myself that I am defining myself according to others - I am defending myself as personality - therefore I stop concerning and fearing to express who I am at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up for myself and for all when I realized the mistakes I've done - mistakes from the perspective that I already knew what will happen but I was compelled to do so because the self-interest I did not give up - and by this only proving that I did not realized who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that realizing would mean only finding out how it works - instead of being aware that realization means practical solution - not only information about how it should be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that following intuitions will help me practically - instead of trusting me here as expression here.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here when I am writing this self forgiveness - by following jumping in memory and thinking about that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when Gy would call me and then before it would compound - I change the 'subject' of my focus and by continous jumping - I am not aware of the self-dishonesty and the fact that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as I am my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to define myself according to my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in any way whatsoever - and revealing that I am not experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself that I am alone - instead of realizing that every single being is alone within their individual processes - I have to standup for myself as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen when I would leave my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my workplace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the things what I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to musical instruments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would loose the things what I've collected with hard work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my work as hard - instead of being able to let it to be as it is without definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a desire instead of acting immediately - regarding to making music - because the desire is an excuse to not express myself as music - because then the desire is what I am using as separation to realize what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire woman instead of realizing that what I desire for is here - the presence of me as the totality of me - what I've defined is the woman is what will fulfill me but this is not true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to find a girl to have sex with within an agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hard to not having sex for long time because then I would have these experiences within my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experience of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that if I am with a girl and if I can not have sex with her then this is not enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as an ultimate way to be able to be together and without it defining it as shallowness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fing a way when I am indirectly within a situation when I would have sex with a girl who I defined previously as exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the act of desiring - by thoughts and emotions and feelings - as energy - I am responsible for the experienced and manifested separation from what I do not experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that when I discipline myself then I will get sexual experience as a gift. lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use asexuality as energy and then defining it as me - instead of realizing that suppressing is not who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would have problems if I would not have sex for a long time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss girls because of the energetic experience of kissing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to direct myself within a situation when I decided to discipline myself to not having sex and meanwhile I am being under temptation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose my experience within myself towards girls because then they would turn over from me - instead of realizing that within this: I fear from myself - I fear from facing from m - this is unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate situations and girls within it to be able to have hugging-kissing-sex becase of my self-interest about having the experience of joy and entertainment and bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as joy - instead of realizing that I am joy here as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as entertainment.

re late I on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against tiredness instead of realizing the the why and how do I participate within energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am of tiredness if I am not here as breath but I participate within and as thoughts and the breath become sloppy, insignificant, shallow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer thinking instead of being here as breath as moment as expression.

I was on a psychedelic trance festival with Gy in the nature almost for a week.
After the rainbow gathering - we only met about three times for some hours.
I am not going into the storyline details as it is irrevelant from the perspective of self-honesty and self-intimacy and self-forgiveness -- instead I write about this week what brough up within myself.

The whole concept of desire and relationship issue I wanted to push until I am here as silence as moment.
After the rainbow gathering, as we kind of liked each other - I felt some desire and gravity towards her - it was quite a big deal as since years I did not allowed myself to do so - I was sure that it is mindfuck and absolutely avoidable -- but in fact the solution is to not avoid but face and realize and embrace and stop - the solution is not to deny but open myself -- the solution is not fight but open myself and be self-honest an stand as all as one as equal.

So I wrote and said some self-forgiveness related to the desire about her and the idea of 'relationship'.
The very manifestation of the participation of desire is what separates me from her - so it is common sense to stop desire to give the chance to actually experience what is here as she as me as one as equal.
So it was quite stable, however several movements occured within myself, and of course I was waiting for the festival - because since one and half year - I did not have any holiday from the company so long as one full week and barely I fed up of computers, desks, the traffic, city etc.
I wanted to just breath, to live, to dance and eating foods with olive oil and of course be with her to see what will happen. So I did.

I can not say it is agreement, but it was definetaly not a relationship.
Both of us strongly want to avoid the occurence of a relationship, and I am not sure about this will work for a long time but one thing is sure at this moment - somehow she has more responsibility about how intimate it could go 'forward' - because she simply can say 'it is too much, stop it' - when I speak or touch 'intensely' - so it is strange but somehow brings out quite much from the past so I can work with that.

I am not going to write about how I see her - as I am not sure about it - as I have perceptions and still some expectations what can blur my view about how and who she is.

But I see that she is so stark about what reality and her life is -- so any question about her life or any comment can bring her to a state where she simply reacts by book.

At this cases when common sense I can share - I do, no matter what will happen - otherwise I prefer to say nothing and it is quite assisting. I mean to see that sometimes it is better not to say anything.
Any form of desteni phrases she feels like something dark she perceives or simply states out that these are of the buddhist teachings so laughs can occur within this situations by me.
I use the situations to reveal myself about how I define myself according to relationship, how I move along and towards to the desire and to see how I am able to move regarding to my previously accepted behaviour by personality manifestations such as manipulation in order to get what I want or fight against what is already here or simply when I experience something what I desired already and it is already manifested and actually here.

Also I spoke to her about what agreement could be, and what would mean to be innocent and what I am doing actually - self intimacy, self forgiveness, self honesty etc...

I started to explore also the point about why do I move towards her - about what attract me to her - how I can experience myself regarding to her - in other words - what I miss within myself and I defined to be able to experience/have when I am with her.

I found that these points are what I have separated myself from myself by projecting these onto girls, so then I want to be with this girl for instance to experience what I "separated from"/"miss from" myself - for instance innocence, beauty, elegancy, harmony etc.
I also told to her that I am 'using' her according to find out what I experience with her and actually not when I am not with her.
I am aware of I can make mistakes and even I do so - but there is no way out from this at this moment so I have to take the responsibility and act.

I said to her also that I can not trust in her absolutely because I am responsible for myself and also until she does not prove that she stands with me one and equal - then I am not really able to trust within her -- of course this would mean that I am not opening myself absolutely, easily, and immediately to her - but at this moment this is what is here, so I am directing the situation and see what will happen and not worry.

I realized that I am facing the consequences of the past - what and how I defined - determined my reality - so I am within and as it -- as the desire for this girl - as the definition of the beauty and the innocence and the relationship -- brought these events right into my face and the refractions move me and who I am within consciousness system: reveals unconditionally.

Interesting to see when she brings up the spiritual agenda as she is doing these stuffs of tibetian mantras/meditations and energy worshippings. When I see inner reactions - I tend to see how and why I react. When I remain silent - I watch that 'am I suppressing?'. When I express towards her - I see - it is who I really am or I am reacting as a system of information?

In fact we can enjoy ourselves quite well together and many things we can do and it is fascinating. We enjoyed so much to dance together, it was very very enjoyable.
At this 'druggy' festival - we did not take any drugs -- se tasted some short drinks and wine several times but not much -- and we enjoyed this and danced so much, so then people gathered around us and wondered what we took and we just had fun etc etc...
She also realized that for a good dance - the extasy/MDMA is not necessary, even without that it is more cool, because if I am on a drug, I am of it, as it - but without that drug - I can be anything and any kind without being 'tripped' of any kind of 'limited' stuff. This she enjoyed so much, laughed and jumped a lot.

Sometimes she reminds me to not to be crampy or rigid - and in the next minute she gets the same back from somebody else.

I like how she tries to stand up for the situation of the earth and for the planet but many of it are of opinions and she works for Greenpeace and she is of it
yet I still feel this as of separation, like a part of a small society within The society.

I prefer to stand alone as all as one as equal - she disagrees - she prefers to be buddhist and of societies and do that way and not to worry about how to release the inner shit.

I say it is personal responsibility to find practical solution to stop the mind - by practical self-honesty and self-forgiveness. She mostly laughes on this and I say "do not judge it until you do not try".

Sometimes I like to use the spiritual context what she knows to explain something of the situations - but I have to be aware of she is not experiencing these but mostly having a knowledge and some peaks of experiences what formed strong self-definitions about it.

I promised to myself to not manipulate her by words and deeds in order to boost her emotional experiences to build desire within her towards me. This is very important - however it is quite ingrained within myself, so sometimes I see this only when manifested - so self forgiveness is required immediately.

I said to her that we could make music and films together if we want and she said she could - I do not believe that she would - even when she would like -- this would need focus and discipline what she does not want to push -- only 'flowing around' and sometimes doing something.

In the last 2 months she explored to kissing with multiple boys and I said to her this is a kind of responsible thing because many boys will build a desire after her and they will suffer -- then she had guilt and I said that anyway, the boys will reveal for themselves as desire and I said that she should embrace and support beings and not to fuck with their mind. She strongly avoids sexual context - however she desires it so much, even within words she sometimes expresses it - much suppression I sensed...

However when we played together in the tent - she liked these things quite much and after intense moments once she said 'it was a mistake' - and then she brought up my sex demon easily.
Regarding to this - I could watch myself within situations when she is with other beings who tend to be attracted towards her and how do I react. Mostly I 'use' this to see how they move towards her - to see how do I also...

Self forgiveness assist me to stabilize and release. This is the most practical tool what I ever had.

The sex=desire system demon manifestation of me revealed already several times while I was on this festival with her. Interesting - it is related to the energy/orgasm.
I want to describe the system manifestation how it feels physically, because quite related to the mind consciousness system as who I became.

I feel cold, more and more and then I am freezing extremely.
There is a pain on the tip of my penis and it is like an energetic wire from it within my spine and prickling and buzzing my whole trunk and it is very unpleasant.
Also my ass feels very unpleasant, my face becomes more white and I am having a kind of sad face.
This experience sometimes less intense, but sometimes it is so strong that I am unable to follow the events around me and then I simply prefer to lie down to the ground and just breath. Fascinating to see that when it starts - even I could define as 'pleasure', as these energy systems move within myself - but I became aware that what is this actually - and when it compounds without release -- becomind more physical, more direct, more intense.

On this extent level it happened two times at the festival. Once when I gave oral pleasure to her and after we were hugging and kissing and then she simply said 'it was a mistake to do this, to go further until this point' and then she just showed her back to me and went to sleep and I felt myself quite rejected and this intense energetic compound experience took place and it lasted for a quite long time and I did not act immediately and I did not have any water to drink so I tried to eat some wet vegetables but did not helped really, so there was no escape, as outside of the tent it was strongly raining - I could not sleep for long time and she was sleeping and I was in this pain for hours until it became less intense and then I was able to sleep some hours.
After one or two days we were in the chillout tent and we were dancing and there were some kisses on a slow music when this energy 'charging' somehow intensified to an extent when I felt very-very tired and started to have cold and even the pain came slowly - so I said to her that I lie down for a while at the edge of the tent(hundreds of people were in the tent, at the edges, people were sitting-laid) - so I did, and breathed, said some self-forgiveness, related to desire and energy, and it became less intense - also I drunk very much water, as I realized it assists me.
Somehow it is related to orgasm and energy compounding-lifting-releasing.

I assume that the mind consciousness system is crying strongly for orgasm to have charge out and release - but nothing happens like that - yet the energy is still going on so the system demon is slowly but surely physically manifests as my accepted and allowed nature.

So in the tent, I was able to direct quite a bit, so after a while I could manage a tiny-winy relax/nap, and then the whole stuff became less and less intense until disappeared.

I am aware of the practical embracing of the system manifestation as being inner silent and allowing the system demon to reveal and showing that this is who I am, come join me and be one and equal - I directed myself as this, however I experienced that the system demon not stopped being within and as me, only drawed back.
But more and more experiences occur - it assists me, to realize: the stupidity to build up energetic desire, to not release and act immediately and to find out the practical solution to embrace my separated system manifestation to unify me as inner silence by realizing and stopping the dishonesty.

Next day I also told her about this so we agreed to not having this kind of sexual plays for a while to support each other - and we agreed to pull back a little from our intimacy. Factinating. Of course there were some moments when I felt myself again: rejected but there was a presence within me what realized the why.

So then a bit I was pissed when she did not want to take shower together - as on the previous day we did it and washed each other - also many people did the same, we had to wait about a half a hour to do so, anyway for some minutes I preferred to be like serious and after the shower I left her and went back to tent to eat and say some self-forgiveness and simply going to sleep. After that I went back to the stage to find her and take food and some practical things to her, and also met with the others.

Then I preferred to dance alone for a while but when the main performer came -called Hallucinogen- she seeked me and we danced together - this dance we were planning together since years, and now it happens day by day - as the last night and it was awesome, regardless the music - so then at this day we did it - danced for hours together.
After this, our apparent 'closeness' a bit restored and I was quite stable.
I was aware that how I allow myself to be unstable related to her and the solution is simple - breath - and if it is too intense(the instability of my presence) - then I say to her that this is happening and I simply walk away for a while - or to see how I participate unstableness and what goes inside of me - and why -- and then simply stop. Breathe - be here, presence, direct expression, act immediately.

I was quite unsatisfied about I am not able to express myself within an agreement, but in fact nothing I can expect, everything I have to do myself - and at this moment this is what I am capable of, and I trust myself about this, even when something with I can burn myself.

After the festival probably we will meet quite rarely, because she is very busy with musesums, concerts, courses, travels, and I am not asking her all the time to meet.

Already we agreed to to many-many things together, and she is quite fragile - she took me to her home and it was funny to see that how she is just like the other beings, with habbits, personalities - and how I did not perceive these in the begining, as something foggy I experienced - and now I see her more clearly.
Next day she fell off from bike and hurt herself and cried a lot - after that she decided to not fuck with boy's mind about some 'innocent' kisses so told this to her friends also and for me too - of course I said 'do you compare me with other' shit like that but in the end there were some sort kisses and big hugs.

Probably when we will meet - I will offer her a possibility to an agreement and see how she reacts - and to see how do I react. As she previously planned to move to Firenze but decided to stay.
In fact what bothers me that we can not count to each other 100% - this makes the whole bidirectional support to quite an unstable way - however maybe I expect too much from her.
Also probably I desire to have sex with her - why?
Because within sex we would reveal to each other unfolded, without any social layer etc.
Because to see how she and me would change after this sexual experience related to each other.
Because then I would have somebody to count on as one as equal to unreveal my dishonesties related to this specific desire for sex.

But in fact until we do not stand as agreed on to be one and equal - maybe it is preferred to not make 'love' like that.

What makes me quite stable - that I am aware of that I can forgive and release her in any moment - or if not then quite soon - so even when it would go on a way what would be not supportive to us anymore - I remain who I am - as life as all as one as equal.

I was also considering to explore what would be an agreement with a girl who I do not defined previously as gorgeous - as Gy I did - but in fact this is very related to the whole concept of my self-defined entity of relationship/self-definition.
Even some older guys told me that this girl is a problem, only mixes shit around me, but it is already a shitty situation what I manifested, so let's bring up everything right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself unfullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself unsatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have somebody to fullfill me in order to to experience the separation within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what is directly here but to see what I want to see by my self-defined desires, dishonesties, thoughts, emotions, feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself - instead of realizing that if I am going to a fight - I will loose it - because I am fighting because I already defined that what I am fighting with - as stronger -- this is the self-defined self-separation manifestation as polarity within and as myself until I stop.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fight against my desires - I suppress it and when events start to occur and pull and direct me - I resist - I struggle - instead of simply standing here and release and stop and realize the dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself according to pictures of this world.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Gy as beautiful, gorgeous - not realizing that the very definition is of separation - as I am placing the mind between her and me - so direct experience is not real - only from and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as fullfilling desires and support - instead of realizing that any definition is of separation - not equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate when something I experience inside of myself - but as what I accept - I am of it as it - so ACT IMMEDIATELY.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Gy in order to have a kiss or make her to kind with me - instead of realizing that what I do with her - is like what I do with me - if manipulation is here - I am not directly here as self-expression -- so it is required to stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why do I manipulate beings instead of direct the situation as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex to be able to release the emotional/energetic compound of dishonesty within me what I built up by thoughts/feelings/emotions by participating within pictures and ideas and perceptions of past dishonesties what I still define myself as until I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound sexual demon manifestation within me to a certain extent that it is even causing pain and influencing me - revealing me to me as one as equal to be able to realize and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being able to bear and accept to be rejected - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somebody who does not like to be rejected.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to 'trying to get a girl' because of the fear of being rejected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid situations when I would 'fail' - because then I would reveal to myself that I define myself according to my experiences and if I would experience 'failure' or 'being rejected' - I would identify myself with the event and then I would be a 'failure' -I delete this association as it of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining alone - because then I would face with who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to face with myself directly - instead of realizing that the desire makes me busy instead of stopping to desire and simply explore what is here as me as one as equal directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with Gy because then I would inluence her and maybe she would realize the principle of oneness and equality - instead of realizing that this can not be 'given' only be realized by self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I do have sexual intercouse with a girl - then my mind information system would go into her mind consciousness system so by this way I could 'infiltrate her mind' to be able to assist her and also to be able to stabilize an agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to persuade somebody instead of realizing that I am here and I am expressing myself and I am self-honest - this is who I am as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am very good within sex instead of realizing that this is of definition and separation instead of being here as inner silent as breath and express myself directly as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an orgasm because then my energetic compound would be released without the need to change and stop thinking/worshipping to pictures/desires/ideas.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be locked into a relationship-bubble with a girl so then we would enjoy ourselves while the whole world is a big mess. All bubbles burst.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning as thoughts instead of waking up in the morning as moment as me as breath as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about Gy when she is not here - instead of realizing that by this I am building up an energetic compound within me what is absolutely unrelated with the physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern about I am not moving as much as I am capable of - I am here, I move, I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic experience of sex/masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the idea of worshipping with relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with women/relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the idea of agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with Gy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to Gy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by Gy because then my self-built-up self-definition system would dispose and I would be nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand alone as all as one as equal because of the intensity and the size of the responsibility -- instead of realizing that the intensity I am and the responsibility: I am - one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take responsibility for the world as all as one as equal because I was aware of my self dishonesties so within this 'standing' I would prefer to not trust in me because I was aware that I would fuck up this responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myselt to act in every moment as responsible for all as one as equal as life.

I stop react to pictures - I stop react to sounds by definition. I stop arouse myself with pictures and sounds. I stop delude myself with Gy, I stop define myself according to anything.

a point written

How to begin something is just how to release it?
why to define end? for grip... to rebegin?

I mean it

I reveal me to me and I see no choice - choice as the manifested dishonesty as illusion.
Every moment I push myself and I reveal to me about in what situations and how and when I do not push myself...
It is to be specific - as the desire and fear are not really explaining the current location.

It's kind of I let myself to be - and mostly I am exploring but without self-honesty - I seamlessly flow into personality design manifestation without even being aware of it -- or if yes - then I am noticing, and I allowing myself to go on - and then making some kind of promise - ok after this one, I wont do it again -- but by myself - as 'choice/decision' I really dont -- only when I let myself to be within this kind of 'flow' - and something triggers and the refactional self-definition system determines my expression...
Quite interesting - it's like I am within this movie, I am the character, and I KNOW that I am the director - and there is a scene - and me as the director I direct the character into the scene - as myself - accordingly.
Then the character moves on - as me - but in the next moment I am this character - I am not the director anymore - yet I 'KNOW' that I can be the director, and even I 'KNOW' that 'back there' I am the director - but in fact - I am being directed - by the mind.

So this separation unrevealed within and as me around these days - man, it's a serious deep loong shit -- you see - this is a personality manifestation fraction.

In fact when I direct me and I allow myself to be within the moment and walk - I do not push myself within and as each moment - and when the dishonesty reveals - a thought, an energetic flow alongside the backbone - or just a picture pops in for a 1/50 second -- then two can occur:
- I acknowledge it - and I say, shit, be focused, come on -- this is kind of when somebody has to push a wheelbarrow with full of wood on a rocky ground - and it wants to fall over or stuck - so I keep it on balance and push it forward..physically...
And when it becomes unstable - I am strengthening myself and pushing more - however maybe it would be more simple to see what is here and direct it on a less rocky way

R e v e a l

How to begin is just how to release?
why to define end? for grip... to rebegin?

I mean it

I reveal me to me and I see no choice - choice as the manifested dishonesty as illusion.
Every moment I push myself and I reveal to me about in what situations and how and when I do not push myself...
It is to be specific - as the desire and fear are not really explaining the current location.

It's kind of I let myself to be - and mostly I am exploring but without self-honesty - I seamlessly flow into personality design manifestation without even being aware of it -- or if yes - then I am noticing, and I allowing myself to go on - and then making some kind of promise - ok after this one, I wont do it again -- but by myself - as 'choice/decision' I really dont -- only when I let myself to be within this kind of 'flow' - and something triggers and the refactional self-definition system determines my expression...
Quite interesting - it's like I am within this movie, I am the character, and I KNOW that I am the director - and there is a scene - and me as the director I direct the character into the scene - as myself - accordingly.
Then the character moves on - as me - but in the next moment I am this character - I am not the director anymore - yet I 'KNOW' that I can be the director, and even I 'KNOW' that 'back there' I am the director - but in fact - I am being directed - by the mind.

So this separation unrevealed within and as me around these days - man, it's a serious deep loong shit -- you see - this is a personality manifestation fraction.

In fact when I direct me and I allow myself to be within the moment and walk - I do not push myself within and as each moment - and when the dishonesty reveals - a thought, an energetic flow alongside the backbone - or just a picture pops in for a 1/50 second -- then two can occur:
- I acknowledge it - and I say, shit, be focused, come on -- this is kind of when somebody has to push a wheelbarrow with full of wood on a rocky ground - and it wants to fall over or stuck - so I keep it on balance and push it forward..physically...
And when it becomes unstable - I am strengthening myself and pushing more - however maybe it would be more simple to see what is here and direct it on a less rocky way...

So what I am saying that I trust within the mind as me - because I trained the mind to simulate the being within the 'flow' of the moment.
But I am aware of it that it is limited - yet it can be promising - but never real for sure as stable - because it has it's conditions.
I experienced this on psychedelics as well...
I am not sure exactly what it is - probably within my self-programming - but it is some sort of balancing mechanism.
I am moving - I am move - and a splinter comes into my face and as I am moving - I am speeding up at the same time and this velocity reveals that I am not directly here - only for moments and kind of 'shooting myself to directions' - like a rocket - with the thursts and short and intense burtst I am moving.
And this is why I can direct situations and 'get what I want' and then after a while everyting just falls apart - because as I direct myself - then in the next moment I lay back and kind of 'waiting the fried dove into my mouth' - this is a saying here.

Interesting. I have to disengage the connections about all and everything what I got from spiritual agenda and then going back into childhood aboout how I designed myself according to this situation.

The next stuff what I became aware of is self-interest.
As Sunette explained the sex/masturbation self-revealing to self - facing self thing on the video about sex and agreement video - I realized one thing.
I have defined myself as this thundering energetic experience - and it is like I am sitting in an energetic bubble and I am enjoying that I am producing a lot of energy and then charging it out and meanwhile - I enjoy to produce energy - and I am enjoying to releasing energy. I mean what the fuck? Am I a fucking power plant? For what?
I am sure that I am more than this and the more is about to express my realization that here is more to express/explore than swirling my own limits and when it's too much then getting rid of the whole compound.

Because for sure - I can do what I want - but when I have not straight and stable want - I am fractioned and I am controlled by my own self-separated self-particles - and of course these are me - because this is why these can control me - so I became a systematic manifestation.

I have started to write about dictionary - I have all hungarian words so literally I go trough all words from A to Z and no matter how long it will be - I will write down associations and forgiving them by writing down and saying aloud - one and one...


So I can say I touched the rock bottom on the self-revealing of the desire for the ultimate orgasm - this is more than just 'spiritual' this is the very manifestation of deep fear/depression/desire triangle system what makes the energy being produced and then released before it really harms me. However there are some bugs so sometimes I experience the abuse - this is when I pull my head out and say - what the heck I am doing? Where am I? Where is my breath?
I could give panic or some kind of pain into it but this is the moment when I reveal to me so breath and embrace everything and be specific to place practical solution into perspective and then walk it.

Hm I was on the phone with Gy and it looks like I am releasing the concept of desire for relationship as this intense heavy emotional blockage within myself -- ok it is not that deep but if fear comes up or something does not goes as I desired -- it was revealed as myself quite intensely. And I remember for it when I was at the university - when I was 'in love' - real deep shit, I mean I lost myself and motivations and something just died within myself and thet everything was over and this guilty supressed anger and depression was compounding and I wanted to explode but I couldnt so I had to bear and 'live' with it...
On tuesday with Gy I go with her to this psytrance festival and I will dance. Cool music and sice one and half year - I was not 'far' from workplace so long than it will be: for one week - I wont sit the front of any computer.
Instead of sleeping in tent in the forest, walking on plains, eating with people and dancing juggling speaking, expressing myself.
As the rainbow it was - for 3 days as a transformation - maybe it would be similar - but here will be electric music and the people will be quite different - I mean mostly will be drugged and some of the most twisted eraserheads around europe will be here probably but it's fun.
And it's interesting to see how I am reacting to music, is still any drug-related wireing within my expression on the dancefloor or when I speak with people who are on acid etc.
Also with Gy - it is obvious that she is not aware of the possibility of an agreement, she is still quite obsessed with the spiritual agenda, so I gave up to 'be with her' - as I realized - we can not walk this together as one as equal right now - so I just will be who I am as the moment without any expectation and being able to reflect any reflections regarding to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
This is not a choice to stand as all as one as equal.
This is not a decision to stand as all as one as equal as life.
This is who I am, this is who we are, this is what is here.
The most obvious self support would be to directly tell her what I experience and not to participate within any bubble - or if I do so - then simply ask her to burst it in a singular moment -- and she can - yet I do not accept myself to want and desire after a single body - lol.

I mean there were phases regarding to my desire systems...
There were the suppression times - and then when I was able to express with a girl - then the expression...
And then the trouble came as it was not real and I was bored of it - and I let it fall - and then I realized - the sexual desire is the core of it all - so I fought against it - and it became more and more strong as I fought more - and I won - and then I lost - so I was able to keep up the peace with the war - but it was a mess...
With taking acid and dope - I even masturbated quite rarely - one in a month or less - sometimes more frequently - - but I was able to suppress it...
Then when I realized the suppressed nature as me as life - I let it go out - I did everything what I could - tried sex again with girl and explored some - and then recenlty I felt like kind of fell to the other side of the horse - as the system physically manifested - as me - as one - I was kind of obsessed - for women, for sex, for relationship, for desire...
And I was aware of it - and sometimes I just knew it - and the flow took me - and there were several moments when I could not let what was going to happen, so I intervened - I mean I 'chosed' things - and these were the dishonest points what revealed - and I knew - this is not the core - I have to go along more -- and then I was barely a demonic entity - and I said then - I stop right now - in that moment I was really considering to go into an orgy or something like that and then holy shit - I was really on to this.

One thing I realized - I direct, I am here - where is my breath - here is my breath.

Inbreath - presence
silence - inner awareness as one
outbreath - outer expression as equal



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed about I am self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to fullfil me instead of realizing that this fullfillment is of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am self-interested, I am not of life-interested, and I am not here as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not here to breath as inner silence because then it would mean that I would have to give up the self-interest.
I forigve myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that self-interest as me exists only as an unreal manifestation of what I have accepted and allowed to become and it will go away - so the self-interest as self is trying to grasp the con-trol until it can - and in fact this would reveal to me that I am not standing up but waiting and hoping that something outer will force me to do so - and in fact it is separation and of polarity and that's why I am not here - - ridicoulous excuse to give up all self-interest -- I have to give up until it's going to be too late - as every act has consequences, and it is not enogh to know that I am capable of something but to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from scream because of what others would think about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an image and likeness about myself and then projecting it towards others and acting it as I would be and then as I am acting it - I am becoming it - I am of it - as it - the personality manifestation of the mind - of fear - of self-deception as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the ultimate orgasm in order to release all the burdens of myself from my mind and from the physical instead of taking self-responsibility as all as one as equal and dealing with and directing what is here directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to technical inventory and using it as an excuse to procrastinate my expression and suppressing it and then becoming frustrated about I am not moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to overestimate my abilities as these are at the moment and 'hittiny my axe into too big trunks' so to speak and then getting tired of it before I finish it and then I would have the excuse that 'it is too big' or 'my axe is not the best' or 'there must be an other way'.
Instead of realizing that if I am here - I direct - I am aware of what I can do and I do it and I move along - without any desire, defined direction or purpose - as I do not have to create - I am already creation - so I stop - I release - I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I would be exposed with girl about I am self-interested - instead of realizing that I can not hide what I have accepted and allowed - because if I hide it from others - I am hiding it from myself - as one as equal - so let's reveal everything and stop and change.