I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am of tiredness if I am not here as breath but I participate within and as thoughts and the breath become sloppy, insignificant, shallow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer thinking instead of being here as breath as moment as expression.
I was on a psychedelic trance festival with Gy in the nature almost for a week.
After the rainbow gathering - we only met about three times for some hours.
I am not going into the storyline details as it is irrevelant from the perspective of self-honesty and self-intimacy and self-forgiveness -- instead I write about this week what brough up within myself.
The whole concept of desire and relationship issue I wanted to push until I am here as silence as moment.
After the rainbow gathering, as we kind of liked each other - I felt some desire and gravity towards her - it was quite a big deal as since years I did not allowed myself to do so - I was sure that it is mindfuck and absolutely avoidable -- but in fact the solution is to not avoid but face and realize and embrace and stop - the solution is not to deny but open myself -- the solution is not fight but open myself and be self-honest an stand as all as one as equal.
So I wrote and said some self-forgiveness related to the desire about her and the idea of 'relationship'.
The very manifestation of the participation of desire is what separates me from her - so it is common sense to stop desire to give the chance to actually experience what is here as she as me as one as equal.
So it was quite stable, however several movements occured within myself, and of course I was waiting for the festival - because since one and half year - I did not have any holiday from the company so long as one full week and barely I fed up of computers, desks, the traffic, city etc.
I wanted to just breath, to live, to dance and eating foods with olive oil and of course be with her to see what will happen. So I did.
I can not say it is agreement, but it was definetaly not a relationship.
Both of us strongly want to avoid the occurence of a relationship, and I am not sure about this will work for a long time but one thing is sure at this moment - somehow she has more responsibility about how intimate it could go 'forward' - because she simply can say 'it is too much, stop it' - when I speak or touch 'intensely' - so it is strange but somehow brings out quite much from the past so I can work with that.
I am not going to write about how I see her - as I am not sure about it - as I have perceptions and still some expectations what can blur my view about how and who she is.
But I see that she is so stark about what reality and her life is -- so any question about her life or any comment can bring her to a state where she simply reacts by book.
At this cases when common sense I can share - I do, no matter what will happen - otherwise I prefer to say nothing and it is quite assisting. I mean to see that sometimes it is better not to say anything.
Any form of desteni phrases she feels like something dark she perceives or simply states out that these are of the buddhist teachings so laughs can occur within this situations by me.
I use the situations to reveal myself about how I define myself according to relationship, how I move along and towards to the desire and to see how I am able to move regarding to my previously accepted behaviour by personality manifestations such as manipulation in order to get what I want or fight against what is already here or simply when I experience something what I desired already and it is already manifested and actually here.
Also I spoke to her about what agreement could be, and what would mean to be innocent and what I am doing actually - self intimacy, self forgiveness, self honesty etc...
I started to explore also the point about why do I move towards her - about what attract me to her - how I can experience myself regarding to her - in other words - what I miss within myself and I defined to be able to experience/have when I am with her.
I found that these points are what I have separated myself from myself by projecting these onto girls, so then I want to be with this girl for instance to experience what I "separated from"/"miss from" myself - for instance innocence, beauty, elegancy, harmony etc.
I also told to her that I am 'using' her according to find out what I experience with her and actually not when I am not with her.
I am aware of I can make mistakes and even I do so - but there is no way out from this at this moment so I have to take the responsibility and act.
I said to her also that I can not trust in her absolutely because I am responsible for myself and also until she does not prove that she stands with me one and equal - then I am not really able to trust within her -- of course this would mean that I am not opening myself absolutely, easily, and immediately to her - but at this moment this is what is here, so I am directing the situation and see what will happen and not worry.
I realized that I am facing the consequences of the past - what and how I defined - determined my reality - so I am within and as it -- as the desire for this girl - as the definition of the beauty and the innocence and the relationship -- brought these events right into my face and the refractions move me and who I am within consciousness system: reveals unconditionally.
Interesting to see when she brings up the spiritual agenda as she is doing these stuffs of tibetian mantras/meditations and energy worshippings. When I see inner reactions - I tend to see how and why I react. When I remain silent - I watch that 'am I suppressing?'. When I express towards her - I see - it is who I really am or I am reacting as a system of information?
In fact we can enjoy ourselves quite well together and many things we can do and it is fascinating. We enjoyed so much to dance together, it was very very enjoyable.
At this 'druggy' festival - we did not take any drugs -- se tasted some short drinks and wine several times but not much -- and we enjoyed this and danced so much, so then people gathered around us and wondered what we took and we just had fun etc etc...
She also realized that for a good dance - the extasy/MDMA is not necessary, even without that it is more cool, because if I am on a drug, I am of it, as it - but without that drug - I can be anything and any kind without being 'tripped' of any kind of 'limited' stuff. This she enjoyed so much, laughed and jumped a lot.
Sometimes she reminds me to not to be crampy or rigid - and in the next minute she gets the same back from somebody else.
I like how she tries to stand up for the situation of the earth and for the planet but many of it are of opinions and she works for Greenpeace and she is of it
yet I still feel this as of separation, like a part of a small society within The society.
I prefer to stand alone as all as one as equal - she disagrees - she prefers to be buddhist and of societies and do that way and not to worry about how to release the inner shit.
I say it is personal responsibility to find practical solution to stop the mind - by practical self-honesty and self-forgiveness. She mostly laughes on this and I say "do not judge it until you do not try".
Sometimes I like to use the spiritual context what she knows to explain something of the situations - but I have to be aware of she is not experiencing these but mostly having a knowledge and some peaks of experiences what formed strong self-definitions about it.
I promised to myself to not manipulate her by words and deeds in order to boost her emotional experiences to build desire within her towards me. This is very important - however it is quite ingrained within myself, so sometimes I see this only when manifested - so self forgiveness is required immediately.
I said to her that we could make music and films together if we want and she said she could - I do not believe that she would - even when she would like -- this would need focus and discipline what she does not want to push -- only 'flowing around' and sometimes doing something.
In the last 2 months she explored to kissing with multiple boys and I said to her this is a kind of responsible thing because many boys will build a desire after her and they will suffer -- then she had guilt and I said that anyway, the boys will reveal for themselves as desire and I said that she should embrace and support beings and not to fuck with their mind. She strongly avoids sexual context - however she desires it so much, even within words she sometimes expresses it - much suppression I sensed...
However when we played together in the tent - she liked these things quite much and after intense moments once she said 'it was a mistake' - and then she brought up my sex demon easily.
Regarding to this - I could watch myself within situations when she is with other beings who tend to be attracted towards her and how do I react. Mostly I 'use' this to see how they move towards her - to see how do I also...
Self forgiveness assist me to stabilize and release. This is the most practical tool what I ever had.
The sex=desire system demon manifestation of me revealed already several times while I was on this festival with her. Interesting - it is related to the energy/orgasm.
I want to describe the system manifestation how it feels physically, because quite related to the mind consciousness system as who I became.
I feel cold, more and more and then I am freezing extremely.
There is a pain on the tip of my penis and it is like an energetic wire from it within my spine and prickling and buzzing my whole trunk and it is very unpleasant.
Also my ass feels very unpleasant, my face becomes more white and I am having a kind of sad face.
This experience sometimes less intense, but sometimes it is so strong that I am unable to follow the events around me and then I simply prefer to lie down to the ground and just breath. Fascinating to see that when it starts - even I could define as 'pleasure', as these energy systems move within myself - but I became aware that what is this actually - and when it compounds without release -- becomind more physical, more direct, more intense.
On this extent level it happened two times at the festival. Once when I gave oral pleasure to her and after we were hugging and kissing and then she simply said 'it was a mistake to do this, to go further until this point' and then she just showed her back to me and went to sleep and I felt myself quite rejected and this intense energetic compound experience took place and it lasted for a quite long time and I did not act immediately and I did not have any water to drink so I tried to eat some wet vegetables but did not helped really, so there was no escape, as outside of the tent it was strongly raining - I could not sleep for long time and she was sleeping and I was in this pain for hours until it became less intense and then I was able to sleep some hours.
After one or two days we were in the chillout tent and we were dancing and there were some kisses on a slow music when this energy 'charging' somehow intensified to an extent when I felt very-very tired and started to have cold and even the pain came slowly - so I said to her that I lie down for a while at the edge of the tent(hundreds of people were in the tent, at the edges, people were sitting-laid) - so I did, and breathed, said some self-forgiveness, related to desire and energy, and it became less intense - also I drunk very much water, as I realized it assists me.
Somehow it is related to orgasm and energy compounding-lifting-releasing.
I assume that the mind consciousness system is crying strongly for orgasm to have charge out and release - but nothing happens like that - yet the energy is still going on so the system demon is slowly but surely physically manifests as my accepted and allowed nature.
So in the tent, I was able to direct quite a bit, so after a while I could manage a tiny-winy relax/nap, and then the whole stuff became less and less intense until disappeared.
I am aware of the practical embracing of the system manifestation as being inner silent and allowing the system demon to reveal and showing that this is who I am, come join me and be one and equal - I directed myself as this, however I experienced that the system demon not stopped being within and as me, only drawed back.
But more and more experiences occur - it assists me, to realize: the stupidity to build up energetic desire, to not release and act immediately and to find out the practical solution to embrace my separated system manifestation to unify me as inner silence by realizing and stopping the dishonesty.
Next day I also told her about this so we agreed to not having this kind of sexual plays for a while to support each other - and we agreed to pull back a little from our intimacy. Factinating. Of course there were some moments when I felt myself again: rejected but there was a presence within me what realized the why.
So then a bit I was pissed when she did not want to take shower together - as on the previous day we did it and washed each other - also many people did the same, we had to wait about a half a hour to do so, anyway for some minutes I preferred to be like serious and after the shower I left her and went back to tent to eat and say some self-forgiveness and simply going to sleep. After that I went back to the stage to find her and take food and some practical things to her, and also met with the others.
Then I preferred to dance alone for a while but when the main performer came -called Hallucinogen- she seeked me and we danced together - this dance we were planning together since years, and now it happens day by day - as the last night and it was awesome, regardless the music - so then at this day we did it - danced for hours together.
After this, our apparent 'closeness' a bit restored and I was quite stable.
I was aware that how I allow myself to be unstable related to her and the solution is simple - breath - and if it is too intense(the instability of my presence) - then I say to her that this is happening and I simply walk away for a while - or to see how I participate unstableness and what goes inside of me - and why -- and then simply stop. Breathe - be here, presence, direct expression, act immediately.
I was quite unsatisfied about I am not able to express myself within an agreement, but in fact nothing I can expect, everything I have to do myself - and at this moment this is what I am capable of, and I trust myself about this, even when something with I can burn myself.
After the festival probably we will meet quite rarely, because she is very busy with musesums, concerts, courses, travels, and I am not asking her all the time to meet.
Already we agreed to to many-many things together, and she is quite fragile - she took me to her home and it was funny to see that how she is just like the other beings, with habbits, personalities - and how I did not perceive these in the begining, as something foggy I experienced - and now I see her more clearly.
Next day she fell off from bike and hurt herself and cried a lot - after that she decided to not fuck with boy's mind about some 'innocent' kisses so told this to her friends also and for me too - of course I said 'do you compare me with other' shit like that but in the end there were some sort kisses and big hugs.
Probably when we will meet - I will offer her a possibility to an agreement and see how she reacts - and to see how do I react. As she previously planned to move to Firenze but decided to stay.
In fact what bothers me that we can not count to each other 100% - this makes the whole bidirectional support to quite an unstable way - however maybe I expect too much from her.
Also probably I desire to have sex with her - why?
Because within sex we would reveal to each other unfolded, without any social layer etc.
Because to see how she and me would change after this sexual experience related to each other.
Because then I would have somebody to count on as one as equal to unreveal my dishonesties related to this specific desire for sex.
But in fact until we do not stand as agreed on to be one and equal - maybe it is preferred to not make 'love' like that.
What makes me quite stable - that I am aware of that I can forgive and release her in any moment - or if not then quite soon - so even when it would go on a way what would be not supportive to us anymore - I remain who I am - as life as all as one as equal.
I was also considering to explore what would be an agreement with a girl who I do not defined previously as gorgeous - as Gy I did - but in fact this is very related to the whole concept of my self-defined entity of relationship/self-definition.
Even some older guys told me that this girl is a problem, only mixes shit around me, but it is already a shitty situation what I manifested, so let's bring up everything right here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself unfullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself unsatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have somebody to fullfill me in order to to experience the separation within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what is directly here but to see what I want to see by my self-defined desires, dishonesties, thoughts, emotions, feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself - instead of realizing that if I am going to a fight - I will loose it - because I am fighting because I already defined that what I am fighting with - as stronger -- this is the self-defined self-separation manifestation as polarity within and as myself until I stop.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fight against my desires - I suppress it and when events start to occur and pull and direct me - I resist - I struggle - instead of simply standing here and release and stop and realize the dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself according to pictures of this world.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Gy as beautiful, gorgeous - not realizing that the very definition is of separation - as I am placing the mind between her and me - so direct experience is not real - only from and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as fullfilling desires and support - instead of realizing that any definition is of separation - not equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate when something I experience inside of myself - but as what I accept - I am of it as it - so ACT IMMEDIATELY.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Gy in order to have a kiss or make her to kind with me - instead of realizing that what I do with her - is like what I do with me - if manipulation is here - I am not directly here as self-expression -- so it is required to stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why do I manipulate beings instead of direct the situation as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex to be able to release the emotional/energetic compound of dishonesty within me what I built up by thoughts/feelings/emotions by participating within pictures and ideas and perceptions of past dishonesties what I still define myself as until I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound sexual demon manifestation within me to a certain extent that it is even causing pain and influencing me - revealing me to me as one as equal to be able to realize and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being able to bear and accept to be rejected - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somebody who does not like to be rejected.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to 'trying to get a girl' because of the fear of being rejected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid situations when I would 'fail' - because then I would reveal to myself that I define myself according to my experiences and if I would experience 'failure' or 'being rejected' - I would identify myself with the event and then I would be a 'failure' -I delete this association as it of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining alone - because then I would face with who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to face with myself directly - instead of realizing that the desire makes me busy instead of stopping to desire and simply explore what is here as me as one as equal directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with Gy because then I would inluence her and maybe she would realize the principle of oneness and equality - instead of realizing that this can not be 'given' only be realized by self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I do have sexual intercouse with a girl - then my mind information system would go into her mind consciousness system so by this way I could 'infiltrate her mind' to be able to assist her and also to be able to stabilize an agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to persuade somebody instead of realizing that I am here and I am expressing myself and I am self-honest - this is who I am as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am very good within sex instead of realizing that this is of definition and separation instead of being here as inner silent as breath and express myself directly as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an orgasm because then my energetic compound would be released without the need to change and stop thinking/worshipping to pictures/desires/ideas.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be locked into a relationship-bubble with a girl so then we would enjoy ourselves while the whole world is a big mess. All bubbles burst.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning as thoughts instead of waking up in the morning as moment as me as breath as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about Gy when she is not here - instead of realizing that by this I am building up an energetic compound within me what is absolutely unrelated with the physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern about I am not moving as much as I am capable of - I am here, I move, I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic experience of sex/masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the idea of worshipping with relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with women/relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the idea of agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with Gy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to Gy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by Gy because then my self-built-up self-definition system would dispose and I would be nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand alone as all as one as equal because of the intensity and the size of the responsibility -- instead of realizing that the intensity I am and the responsibility: I am - one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to take responsibility for the world as all as one as equal because I was aware of my self dishonesties so within this 'standing' I would prefer to not trust in me because I was aware that I would fuck up this responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myselt to act in every moment as responsible for all as one as equal as life.
I stop react to pictures - I stop react to sounds by definition. I stop arouse myself with pictures and sounds. I stop delude myself with Gy, I stop define myself according to anything.