a point written

How to begin something is just how to release it?
why to define end? for grip... to rebegin?

I mean it

I reveal me to me and I see no choice - choice as the manifested dishonesty as illusion.
Every moment I push myself and I reveal to me about in what situations and how and when I do not push myself...
It is to be specific - as the desire and fear are not really explaining the current location.

It's kind of I let myself to be - and mostly I am exploring but without self-honesty - I seamlessly flow into personality design manifestation without even being aware of it -- or if yes - then I am noticing, and I allowing myself to go on - and then making some kind of promise - ok after this one, I wont do it again -- but by myself - as 'choice/decision' I really dont -- only when I let myself to be within this kind of 'flow' - and something triggers and the refactional self-definition system determines my expression...
Quite interesting - it's like I am within this movie, I am the character, and I KNOW that I am the director - and there is a scene - and me as the director I direct the character into the scene - as myself - accordingly.
Then the character moves on - as me - but in the next moment I am this character - I am not the director anymore - yet I 'KNOW' that I can be the director, and even I 'KNOW' that 'back there' I am the director - but in fact - I am being directed - by the mind.

So this separation unrevealed within and as me around these days - man, it's a serious deep loong shit -- you see - this is a personality manifestation fraction.

In fact when I direct me and I allow myself to be within the moment and walk - I do not push myself within and as each moment - and when the dishonesty reveals - a thought, an energetic flow alongside the backbone - or just a picture pops in for a 1/50 second -- then two can occur:
- I acknowledge it - and I say, shit, be focused, come on -- this is kind of when somebody has to push a wheelbarrow with full of wood on a rocky ground - and it wants to fall over or stuck - so I keep it on balance and push it forward..physically...
And when it becomes unstable - I am strengthening myself and pushing more - however maybe it would be more simple to see what is here and direct it on a less rocky way