why to define end? for grip... to rebegin?
I mean it
I reveal me to me and I see no choice - choice as the manifested dishonesty as illusion.
Every moment I push myself and I reveal to me about in what situations and how and when I do not push myself...
It is to be specific - as the desire and fear are not really explaining the current location.
It's kind of I let myself to be - and mostly I am exploring but without self-honesty - I seamlessly flow into personality design manifestation without even being aware of it -- or if yes - then I am noticing, and I allowing myself to go on - and then making some kind of promise - ok after this one, I wont do it again -- but by myself - as 'choice/decision' I really dont -- only when I let myself to be within this kind of 'flow' - and something triggers and the refactional self-definition system determines my expression...
Quite interesting - it's like I am within this movie, I am the character, and I KNOW that I am the director - and there is a scene - and me as the director I direct the character into the scene - as myself - accordingly.
Then the character moves on - as me - but in the next moment I am this character - I am not the director anymore - yet I 'KNOW' that I can be the director, and even I 'KNOW' that 'back there' I am the director - but in fact - I am being directed - by the mind.
So this separation unrevealed within and as me around these days - man, it's a serious deep loong shit -- you see - this is a personality manifestation fraction.
In fact when I direct me and I allow myself to be within the moment and walk - I do not push myself within and as each moment - and when the dishonesty reveals - a thought, an energetic flow alongside the backbone - or just a picture pops in for a 1/50 second -- then two can occur:
- I acknowledge it - and I say, shit, be focused, come on -- this is kind of when somebody has to push a wheelbarrow with full of wood on a rocky ground - and it wants to fall over or stuck - so I keep it on balance and push it forward..physically...
And when it becomes unstable - I am strengthening myself and pushing more - however maybe it would be more simple to see what is here and direct it on a less rocky way...
So what I am saying that I trust within the mind as me - because I trained the mind to simulate the being within the 'flow' of the moment.
But I am aware of it that it is limited - yet it can be promising - but never real for sure as stable - because it has it's conditions.
I experienced this on psychedelics as well...
I am not sure exactly what it is - probably within my self-programming - but it is some sort of balancing mechanism.
I am moving - I am move - and a splinter comes into my face and as I am moving - I am speeding up at the same time and this velocity reveals that I am not directly here - only for moments and kind of 'shooting myself to directions' - like a rocket - with the thursts and short and intense burtst I am moving.
And this is why I can direct situations and 'get what I want' and then after a while everyting just falls apart - because as I direct myself - then in the next moment I lay back and kind of 'waiting the fried dove into my mouth' - this is a saying here.
Interesting. I have to disengage the connections about all and everything what I got from spiritual agenda and then going back into childhood aboout how I designed myself according to this situation.
The next stuff what I became aware of is self-interest.
As Sunette explained the sex/masturbation self-revealing to self - facing self thing on the video about sex and agreement video - I realized one thing.
I have defined myself as this thundering energetic experience - and it is like I am sitting in an energetic bubble and I am enjoying that I am producing a lot of energy and then charging it out and meanwhile - I enjoy to produce energy - and I am enjoying to releasing energy. I mean what the fuck? Am I a fucking power plant? For what?
I am sure that I am more than this and the more is about to express my realization that here is more to express/explore than swirling my own limits and when it's too much then getting rid of the whole compound.
Because for sure - I can do what I want - but when I have not straight and stable want - I am fractioned and I am controlled by my own self-separated self-particles - and of course these are me - because this is why these can control me - so I became a systematic manifestation.
I have started to write about dictionary - I have all hungarian words so literally I go trough all words from A to Z and no matter how long it will be - I will write down associations and forgiving them by writing down and saying aloud - one and one...
So I can say I touched the rock bottom on the self-revealing of the desire for the ultimate orgasm - this is more than just 'spiritual' this is the very manifestation of deep fear/depression/desire triangle system what makes the energy being produced and then released before it really harms me. However there are some bugs so sometimes I experience the abuse - this is when I pull my head out and say - what the heck I am doing? Where am I? Where is my breath?
I could give panic or some kind of pain into it but this is the moment when I reveal to me so breath and embrace everything and be specific to place practical solution into perspective and then walk it.
Hm I was on the phone with Gy and it looks like I am releasing the concept of desire for relationship as this intense heavy emotional blockage within myself -- ok it is not that deep but if fear comes up or something does not goes as I desired -- it was revealed as myself quite intensely. And I remember for it when I was at the university - when I was 'in love' - real deep shit, I mean I lost myself and motivations and something just died within myself and thet everything was over and this guilty supressed anger and depression was compounding and I wanted to explode but I couldnt so I had to bear and 'live' with it...
On tuesday with Gy I go with her to this psytrance festival and I will dance. Cool music and sice one and half year - I was not 'far' from workplace so long than it will be: for one week - I wont sit the front of any computer.
Instead of sleeping in tent in the forest, walking on plains, eating with people and dancing juggling speaking, expressing myself.
As the rainbow it was - for 3 days as a transformation - maybe it would be similar - but here will be electric music and the people will be quite different - I mean mostly will be drugged and some of the most twisted eraserheads around europe will be here probably but it's fun.
And it's interesting to see how I am reacting to music, is still any drug-related wireing within my expression on the dancefloor or when I speak with people who are on acid etc.
Also with Gy - it is obvious that she is not aware of the possibility of an agreement, she is still quite obsessed with the spiritual agenda, so I gave up to 'be with her' - as I realized - we can not walk this together as one as equal right now - so I just will be who I am as the moment without any expectation and being able to reflect any reflections regarding to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
This is not a choice to stand as all as one as equal.
This is not a decision to stand as all as one as equal as life.
This is who I am, this is who we are, this is what is here.
The most obvious self support would be to directly tell her what I experience and not to participate within any bubble - or if I do so - then simply ask her to burst it in a singular moment -- and she can - yet I do not accept myself to want and desire after a single body - lol.
I mean there were phases regarding to my desire systems...
There were the suppression times - and then when I was able to express with a girl - then the expression...
And then the trouble came as it was not real and I was bored of it - and I let it fall - and then I realized - the sexual desire is the core of it all - so I fought against it - and it became more and more strong as I fought more - and I won - and then I lost - so I was able to keep up the peace with the war - but it was a mess...
With taking acid and dope - I even masturbated quite rarely - one in a month or less - sometimes more frequently - - but I was able to suppress it...
Then when I realized the suppressed nature as me as life - I let it go out - I did everything what I could - tried sex again with girl and explored some - and then recenlty I felt like kind of fell to the other side of the horse - as the system physically manifested - as me - as one - I was kind of obsessed - for women, for sex, for relationship, for desire...
And I was aware of it - and sometimes I just knew it - and the flow took me - and there were several moments when I could not let what was going to happen, so I intervened - I mean I 'chosed' things - and these were the dishonest points what revealed - and I knew - this is not the core - I have to go along more -- and then I was barely a demonic entity - and I said then - I stop right now - in that moment I was really considering to go into an orgy or something like that and then holy shit - I was really on to this.
One thing I realized - I direct, I am here - where is my breath - here is my breath.
Inbreath - presence
silence - inner awareness as one
outbreath - outer expression as equal
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed about I am self-interested.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to fullfil me instead of realizing that this fullfillment is of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am self-interested, I am not of life-interested, and I am not here as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not here to breath as inner silence because then it would mean that I would have to give up the self-interest.
I forigve myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that self-interest as me exists only as an unreal manifestation of what I have accepted and allowed to become and it will go away - so the self-interest as self is trying to grasp the con-trol until it can - and in fact this would reveal to me that I am not standing up but waiting and hoping that something outer will force me to do so - and in fact it is separation and of polarity and that's why I am not here - - ridicoulous excuse to give up all self-interest -- I have to give up until it's going to be too late - as every act has consequences, and it is not enogh to know that I am capable of something but to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from scream because of what others would think about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an image and likeness about myself and then projecting it towards others and acting it as I would be and then as I am acting it - I am becoming it - I am of it - as it - the personality manifestation of the mind - of fear - of self-deception as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the ultimate orgasm in order to release all the burdens of myself from my mind and from the physical instead of taking self-responsibility as all as one as equal and dealing with and directing what is here directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to technical inventory and using it as an excuse to procrastinate my expression and suppressing it and then becoming frustrated about I am not moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to overestimate my abilities as these are at the moment and 'hittiny my axe into too big trunks' so to speak and then getting tired of it before I finish it and then I would have the excuse that 'it is too big' or 'my axe is not the best' or 'there must be an other way'.
Instead of realizing that if I am here - I direct - I am aware of what I can do and I do it and I move along - without any desire, defined direction or purpose - as I do not have to create - I am already creation - so I stop - I release - I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I would be exposed with girl about I am self-interested - instead of realizing that I can not hide what I have accepted and allowed - because if I hide it from others - I am hiding it from myself - as one as equal - so let's reveal everything and stop and change.