Wednesday, September 23, 2009

why this daily

Looks like all my desires has this sexual origin - tomorrow I will explore what desires I allow and how are related to sex.
Sexual release, sexual pleasure, sexual energy, sexual fuck knows what:)
As today I allowed myself to get extensively aroused - I had to realize that it can go forward quite more and in fact it is not real - and that's why I do not give myself 'into it' but I fight against it -- because then I would realize - none of it was real -- so as I suppress and compound -- I am directed - instead of taking self responsibility and stop -- and start exploring living -- without ideas, compromise and illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get aroused by pictures and sounds - instead of remain here as real as the physical as breath.

Breath directly, breath continously, breath physically, breath real.
Tomorrow I push breath further more - when I experience this limitedness - breath!

Today as I told to my workmate that with Gy we are having quite a distance - he said I am blaming for her instead of realizing myself.. It was ironic and he was absolutely right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Gy about what I experience - instead of realizing that this is what I am doing for myself and for her and broadcasting this separational delusion as one as equal - instead of stopping and forgiving and releasing and changing.

I am curious but in fact I should fear from exposing myself - but then the change would be inevitable. This is what I am going to do.

Also with Gy - I felt like I was not able to express myself - but then I would ask that what I would like to talk in order to influence her?
This fear of manipulating people would be here when I would manipulate people - so probably I do -- let's explore this also tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am manipulating people according to my desires.

I did not drink any tea today as yesterday planned, and in fact I was sleepy.
Shit fuck, the job was slowly moving and I was wondered again how about to change this situation around me - - change me!

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