paint

Fascinating to see how this all works

I mean - if I do not express myself naturally as the moment: I am compounding and then I control myself to being directed by energy. Deliberatedly.
I have to be able to direct myself - about upcoming 'impulses'.
I mean - for instance I walk in the forest and something pops up - 'I want to write this thing down' - but I can't! - Because I am in the forest! Then I suppress it or what?
I mean it is common sense that why am I so stupid that in the forest I am willing to write? Did I go into the forest for the need to write down?
I can say - yes - this can be like 'being impulsed' to write - and then later on remember to what I wanted to write...
But in fact - that is not the same.

The point that I am not able to direct myself - ok, I will be directed by the environment - I won't write because I cant - so I won't write. So - I am accepting myself as being directed.
I am accepting that I can not direct myself to shut the fuck up inside of me with those impulses that I should write...
For instance I have the impulse to paint - since months...
I was like
-the thought came - and went instantly - apparently from nowhere to nowhere.
-then I said to someone that maybe I will paint
-and yesterday I found myself to go to store and rebuy colors and now everything for paint is here.

Will I paint?
I could say - I don't know but then can be trappy - everything I've managed in order to paint and then I do not paint?
or another point

am I directing myself to paint or am I being directed to paint?

The main focus was as I wrote in an email to guys that I want to explore how I would paint H.P. Lovecraft horrornovels dimensions with the technics of what I used previously for impressionism landscapes. Am I able to make these things being expressed by directing myself and be one and equal with the color and the brush and the paper?
In fact almost always I painted only when I smoked. I did not smoke since 2 years - and when I was wondered about why I do not paint - the point was that - I do not smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect smoking ganja or hash with painting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define painting without being smoked is boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unable to being in a state when I can paint in a focus without smoking and then limiting myself to the ganja or hash.
I forgive myself that I lied to myself with the divertion of smoking and painting instead of realizing that I had doubt within myself and I used smoke to suppress and separate this self-dishonesty within myself to control my existence instead of taking self responsibility and realize the core-dishonesty within and as myself and applying self honesty and exploring practical solution to physically change.