downfall is of consciousness

I direct myself here
I breath here I breath in I stand and I breath out
i release all definitions about how and why I am, I am simply here
I release all desires as I already realized that these make me busy in order to fight against the fact that I accept myself as deluded with the idea of separation - therefore to balance that out - I 'invented' this 'inner lean' to deceive myself to be able to 'operate' on a 'normal' level.
Most of my revelations came from energy-based-manipulations - almost all of self-abuse by manipulation of the substance and it's effects on mind.

As I accept some points as separated directive principle within my life - these will direct me instead of me being here directive.
This downfalls what I experience...rarely but surely - are part of a big cycle of energetic compound movement - way more of being simple but at it's core it is - polarity-based systematic self-justifications about me to survice, being entertained and being 'interested' in realization.
But in fact - any 'interest' can be deception - because it is not an interest to be self-honest - because this is who I really am and if I allow myself even for a moment to not be self-honest - than I am revealing that I am not self honest.
I tend to be hard on myself in a way what can be seen as harsh but in fact - there is no such thing as moderate self-honesty - it is here as stable, constant self-expression - or it is conditional and therefore not self-directed, self-willed, it is not real.
The point is to be absolute self honest or to be absolutely self-dishonest?
It is a process, however if I put myself into a construct of an 'imagined' process - that can be easily a good base of self-deception by using it as an excuse for self-justification, for a polarity overweight for the self-interested self-deception.

recon sider

i recon-sider all my shit again

it's like I am directing and then suddenly reacting and I am stopping but like splinters are allowed and by slowly - it compounds and all fall within a moment
and then this robot me acts like a bullsheet and then this time stuff occurs and then again I pick up my head
where was I?
where the fuck I've been since from what???

I forgive myself to allowing myself as dishonest.
I forgive myself to project myself into a system so called process instead of realizing that I am here as moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore what forgiveness is all about in and as physical.
I forgive myself that I have been hard on myself in order to control me by me as polarity manifestation of delusional separation.
I forgive myself that I have been allowing myself to desire after energetic charge because I allow emotional compound and it is getting too much then I allow it to release on a self-programmed way such as abusing my human physical body with suppressing breath here and being completely not here but within and as thinking dimensions and reacting to my own dishonesties with other dishonesties and becoming a hall of graph within and as the mind consciousness system.
I stand up here and I do not accept myself as recreational thinking instead of being directive here and no matter what - I apply self forgiveness and I apply practical stop and I mean fucking stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as self-writing but procastinating and allowing such thoughts as 'ok I will probably fall but then probably I will learn from it' - it entails hope and entails self-doubt, self-abdication what must be stopped once and for all.

job #2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to make my actual job because I defined it very robotic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to rebel within myself regarding to do my accepted job because I've defined the price what I get for it as small.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define my commitment to my jobs regarding to the amount of money.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining the price for my job as worthy or unworthy regarding to my accepted definitions about quantity of money.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself about my job related to that I've defined it to make the job based on three statement and then I am trying to pull back instead of being absolute self directive and doing it on the way as I want.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to being driven by woman who I've defined as beautiful in order to have a hope of having some effort such as presence of them instead of using common sense and being self directive as inner silence and realize how and why I've allowed myself to be like this within my past...


I accepted the job(a big museum's webpage has bugs and requires administration about weekly but in these times it is really much to do) because
-I wanted some extra money more than my actual salary
-I wanted to have a good reference into my CV for being more easy for finding future jobs
-I wanted a job what could be done from outside of the country in order to 'stand on multiple foots financially'
-I found very charming the client-contractor girl.

So by these definitions I've accepted the job and I am doing it since april - but I see at this moment that it is getting too much and with these jobs - I barely have any time when I am not working and I experience a bit exhaustion and also I see it on my human physical body...
The question would be that this exhaustion also would be when I would not doing the second job but doing something different(probably making videos and music or writing)?

Also I see that jobs what are not food for my mind can be judged by me as 'boring' - for instance doing something what does not require constant learning, continous complex abstraction -- these I've defined 'robotic' and therefore I always avoided -- also that's why avoided many kind of jobs - I always needed the heap of obsticles what can be shoveled only by using 'cognitive' act for instance computer programming and solving problems within complex systems...

My main job(not the one what I've mentioned above, but what I do in the office all day) is a typical example: building up a website workflow management system driven by multiple business processes and being served by many webservices what are communicating with file sharing, database, versionhandling and other systems -- and of course being used by a webfronted...
So this guarantees that I can not define it boring...fascinating...
ok but not much writing today because the job part what I want to be done - I finish it tonight no matter what...

And a scripting up for the so called 'future' - I am fixing these errors in some days and then continuing the development of this new feature(what is to give webshop-like program selection,payment section into the webpage and also handling card transfers in a somekind of transaction) and then in the begining of the year giving back this job - no matter the fact that I will get less money - in fact I will already have the reference within my CV what I wanted and maybe it was not a big deal, but anyway then I will have multiple job experiences in web-based payment systems what could be handy in the forthcoming years...
But until that - I am committing myself to the job - regardless of the money - and then being done will be result.

release rely ease for giveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to breath in the 'background' - not realizing that by suppressing the breath - I suppress myself who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore practical solution by finding excuses to not stand up immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use financial situation as an excuse to not stand up for myself and stopping the inner reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for myself according to pain or in order to avoid pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define non physical pain within myself within and as the mind by defining myself unbearable or too intense.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that everything is here as me and what I do not direct here as me - I allow separation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself in every single moment to stop the dishonesty as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity of the stopping of me as mind consciousness system because not being aware of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use human physical body as a vessel, a machine for my mind as I've allowed myself to define myself as the mind and consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for sex to have release and satisfaction - instead of exploring how and why I separate myself from these words and their' meanings and also by realizing these meanings and how and why I've defined these in order to 'create' separation within and as me here in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my systems to a certain degree when these systems are taking over me and then I am being absolutely directed, almost being possessed and then I am slowly realizing that what I am doing is not who I am and I have to stop and then I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the masturbation demon within me and by suppressing it - defining it as energy and then being obsessed to avoid sexual expression and then it simply explodes and I am not here as directive principle for moments while the energetic release is experienced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to being aroused by pictures and sounds of women or people having sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sexual arousement as an attention divertion from me from here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing full sexual self expression and then wanting to stop it or wanting to release it -- instead of being here and being self and being expression.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with a woman because then it could happen that she would be obsessed with me or I would be obsessed with her - because in the past I had these experiences - it can only reoccur if I do so.
I forgive myaself that I have allowed myself to escape from me as self expressionb because I've judged myself before I would allowed myself to even experience myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being exposed by others as mind system demon - instead of taking self-responsibility and sharing what I've allowed myself to become and assisting and supporting me and others by be the living example of stopping me as mind consciousness system and express life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from me as presence as breath as body expression to specific situations what come by while I am moving within and as 3d physical. For instance meeting with someone or talking with someone - or being specifically busy with something such as making a tea or typing words or commands.

hold, pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself as human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I stress myself and my human physical body aa one as equal - expressing myself as fear and exposing myself as being hold back because of defining myself by past, by memories.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as living forgiveness and breath naturally - by holding desires, fears and hopes - instead of realizing that these are of illusion, self-delusion, self-deception. I am here who I am as presence as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear of - I am not standing up as one and equal and stop this polarity manifestation as greater-smaller, more and less powerful etc.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my presence as being naturally here as breath and allow myself to explore what is here as presence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my desires after something is the very manifestation of self-abdication and self-doubt - because I desire because I do not experience and I do not experience because I define it separated from me instead of being here as oneness and equality with and as all me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am exhausted because I am not here as breath and mostly always was like this but I am becoming aware of how much I am of rigid fear by suppressing the breath of life as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how much I give myself into programs based on impulses from outside and then becoming reactional instead of exploring what I am doing and being self-honest about why and stopping dishonesties such as being attracted to things, beings based on my definitions based on polarity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each situation when I experience intense resistance toward to be here as natural breath expression - and when these are what make my breath almost literally freeze - these situations are uncovering my personality manifestation based on fear - so I can realize what and how I am still allowing to fear.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath when I experience physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from situations whereabout I experienced pain before - and while I am defining a situation as possible painsource: reacting on the same way such as freezing breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath back when I experience pain and then after a while only realizing that breath I am and breath here can assist myself to experience fully the pain and realize why it is here and how I participated with and as self as physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sweating down when I am experiencing physical pain and holding my breath back because literally petrifying from the intense experience and not being able to move but simply hoping and waiting for the pain's disappear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself less than pain instead of being one and equal as the pain as self and act immediately such as breath expression as physical presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that pain will go simply by doing nothing such as freezing my body and doing nothing and even holding my breath back - instead of acting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself according to avoiding physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical pain as bad because I've define physical pain as uncontrollable, unavoidable, petrifying, blocking, degrading, mutilating, torturing.
I forgive myself that I have not considered to stop me being a mind system even when physical pain is raging within and as me as the physical manifestation of systems within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed to try to escape from physical pain into and as the mind with thoughts, emotions, feelings - instead of realizing that these are the very cause of the manifestation of the physical pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to start thinking when I have continuous pain - and by accepting the pain, not acting but being petrified physically and escaping int and as mind dimension - by accepting myself as a slave of my pain/mind. I stand up for myself as me as the unification as being here and presence as breath and stopping accepting myself as thought patterns and applying self forgiveness and expressing self honesty as practical solution to explore self-stability as presence as inner silence.