I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to rebel within myself regarding to do my accepted job because I've defined the price what I get for it as small.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define my commitment to my jobs regarding to the amount of money.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining the price for my job as worthy or unworthy regarding to my accepted definitions about quantity of money.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself about my job related to that I've defined it to make the job based on three statement and then I am trying to pull back instead of being absolute self directive and doing it on the way as I want.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to being driven by woman who I've defined as beautiful in order to have a hope of having some effort such as presence of them instead of using common sense and being self directive as inner silence and realize how and why I've allowed myself to be like this within my past...
I accepted the job(a big museum's webpage has bugs and requires administration about weekly but in these times it is really much to do) because
-I wanted some extra money more than my actual salary
-I wanted to have a good reference into my CV for being more easy for finding future jobs
-I wanted a job what could be done from outside of the country in order to 'stand on multiple foots financially'
-I found very charming the client-contractor girl.
So by these definitions I've accepted the job and I am doing it since april - but I see at this moment that it is getting too much and with these jobs - I barely have any time when I am not working and I experience a bit exhaustion and also I see it on my human physical body...
The question would be that this exhaustion also would be when I would not doing the second job but doing something different(probably making videos and music or writing)?
Also I see that jobs what are not food for my mind can be judged by me as 'boring' - for instance doing something what does not require constant learning, continous complex abstraction -- these I've defined 'robotic' and therefore I always avoided -- also that's why avoided many kind of jobs - I always needed the heap of obsticles what can be shoveled only by using 'cognitive' act for instance computer programming and solving problems within complex systems...
My main job(not the one what I've mentioned above, but what I do in the office all day) is a typical example: building up a website workflow management system driven by multiple business processes and being served by many webservices what are communicating with file sharing, database, versionhandling and other systems -- and of course being used by a webfronted...
So this guarantees that I can not define it boring...fascinating...
ok but not much writing today because the job part what I want to be done - I finish it tonight no matter what...
And a scripting up for the so called 'future' - I am fixing these errors in some days and then continuing the development of this new feature(what is to give webshop-like program selection,payment section into the webpage and also handling card transfers in a somekind of transaction) and then in the begining of the year giving back this job - no matter the fact that I will get less money - in fact I will already have the reference within my CV what I wanted and maybe it was not a big deal, but anyway then I will have multiple job experiences in web-based payment systems what could be handy in the forthcoming years...
But until that - I am committing myself to the job - regardless of the money - and then being done will be result.
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