downfall is of consciousness

I direct myself here
I breath here I breath in I stand and I breath out
i release all definitions about how and why I am, I am simply here
I release all desires as I already realized that these make me busy in order to fight against the fact that I accept myself as deluded with the idea of separation - therefore to balance that out - I 'invented' this 'inner lean' to deceive myself to be able to 'operate' on a 'normal' level.
Most of my revelations came from energy-based-manipulations - almost all of self-abuse by manipulation of the substance and it's effects on mind.

As I accept some points as separated directive principle within my life - these will direct me instead of me being here directive.
This downfalls what I experience...rarely but surely - are part of a big cycle of energetic compound movement - way more of being simple but at it's core it is - polarity-based systematic self-justifications about me to survice, being entertained and being 'interested' in realization.
But in fact - any 'interest' can be deception - because it is not an interest to be self-honest - because this is who I really am and if I allow myself even for a moment to not be self-honest - than I am revealing that I am not self honest.
I tend to be hard on myself in a way what can be seen as harsh but in fact - there is no such thing as moderate self-honesty - it is here as stable, constant self-expression - or it is conditional and therefore not self-directed, self-willed, it is not real.
The point is to be absolute self honest or to be absolutely self-dishonest?
It is a process, however if I put myself into a construct of an 'imagined' process - that can be easily a good base of self-deception by using it as an excuse for self-justification, for a polarity overweight for the self-interested self-deception.