Wednesday, September 29, 2010

writing again

writing down all to me
writing down that if i let go of discipline and decision - I loose perspective - I become self oriented.
writing down that if i let go of principle and dedication - I think
writing down that if i let go of breath awareness - I am lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to let go of discipline, decision, principle, dedication, breath - is because I think - is because I am lost.

It is unacceptable to accept myself as I am lost, as I am thinking - I stop thinking - I stop being lost - I am here. I breathe through the energetic experience of being lost - I let go - I breath. I remain as presence.

I forgive myself that I accepted myself to define myself as the energetic experience of being lost.
I am here - I am here as expression - within and as the physical. No way to be lost here - as long as I am not dead - I can not be lost - as I have a physical location - here. I am all ways here - I am literally 'here'.
I must direct my situation - I want to become standalone - financially first - to stand without waving.

So I must leave my job. Regardless of money - I must find a more practical way - to make more income with less time - because the time is with I can not deal - it goes - I walk as time if I walk without being pulled down just because of working for money to be able to then I express myself.
I transform already my work and job expression into something without thinking - however - not yet simple breathing presence - it requires discipline and methodology to embrace all situations.

Actually it is very supporting to be in a repetitive place like my workplace is - when I develop inner silence through applied self-will and self-honesty.
Because this one I trust - within self honesty - am I silent? No.
This is obvious - because I have some reference points regarding to exist within no thinking yet being present - but through the long druggy participation meanwhile - those must be transcended first - to be able to face direct experience - then that one can be realized and transcended as well - it is like an onion - or an additive filter-group - each one filters something out from the reality experience - each a little - but there are many - and therefore one's reality is actually very little - so to speak - what one can experience - so then that must be specific and those points form a personality behind and fed by mind-energy - emotions,feelings,thoughts, depicting memory - all energy - addiction to the energy what moves through my body, like wires what are sucking out my physical power continuously - mind is an abomination. must be stopped.
I can not trust a human really who has "moving" mind. Therefore I do not trust myself as well when I am in active thinking for instance - total bullshit. Stop. Breathe. Directly 'see' points and move, act, breath, next.
I must add that something already realized - or being realized - or must be realized - writing has to be very natural.
Not much - simply directly the situation - no need 'dear diary - I am going through a lot of things' -- divertion -- direct specific words -- for instance - 'I write more - because without it - I am being lost.'
Too much happen to be able to write in the 'normal' way - that describing situations and then what happened and I experienced like that -- I must direct myself out from three situations at least:
-finish the museum job asap - it should not be more than some weeks - if I push - otherwise it will rot - and this job I do just because of my polishing my CV - so just do it.
-find a deadline when to : -resignate from job, from the flat what I rent - last date is march - but the more sooner - the more better...

-send the package somehow to sa

if this three will be done - that would mean - I am ready to move and change and find better job - what motivates me more and gives more flexibility to do my own stuff

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

yt comment

It is bullshit that love is greater than hate - both are delusion as justification of self abdication - within any mind-definition - nothing is real, it's a make-belief addiction what one must face and understand - to be able to apply the tools to stop it. Unless the constant defining is stopped - the physical can not be explored. Then. Physical body - physical breath. Physical substance.

As Direct Experience - without definition - Self can explore Self -- within Self-definition - Self only explores Self-dishonesty.

So it is important to have a physical experience reference to a state of beingness when not defining.
Then this reference point can be used within self honesty points regarding to automatic behaviour.
Is this the "empty" mind or the noisy mind what is working, directing me?

Reality just is - without any romance - without embracing the whole polarity system in each breath - the mind can not be transcended.