[JTL] Day 4 Smiling

                                             I am going to walk through a typical point of me - smiling.

I have a tendency to just smile - or just smile back if someone is smiling at me.
I have also tendency to approach specific humans with smile when I want something, what is just self-dishonesty.
I am transforming my smile as an equal and one self-expression without any self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have the tendency to change my attitude according to women to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what Self-compromise I am accepting regarding to the starting point of wanting to have sex, wanting to be loved.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by wanting others to love me where I actually am missing myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself always here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've been obsessed with this 'wanting to love' 'wanting to be loved', even when not being aware of it but still automatically reacting the way towards others as I've defined as 'attractive'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile because then I might seem as somebody as happy, as somebody who is alright, who is loving, who wants to love.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is love in fact meanwhile taking my self-definition of "love" as granted.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in terms of realizing what love really means within this world as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others want to love me because as I've judged their self-defined love, I'd stay out of it when I am able to be here and use common sense - meanwhile when I am not aware of this - I am participating within automatic expressions, such as smiling, accepting bullshit, to not being rejected by those who define their life according to their definition of 'love'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that smiling is love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am kind and gentle and smiling with everyone then I am doing the best - instead of realizing that this is only the surface of why I do smile that easily.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I act as myself directly without participating any self-definition, then I might be seen as raw, rude, selfish.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do not smile back for somebody who is smiling at me then I am breaking the 'bliss'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that if I am communicating with someone who is smiling and I am smiling back, then it is something what is magical instead of realizing that this is just two beings happen to smile at the same time, both having own reason to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smiling to get what I want, especially with those who I have found out previously that if I do smile, they automatically smile back.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is an influence of my money/salary regarding to my smiling - if I would not get any money from anywhere, I might not smile that much because then I would worry more about how to pay the bills and my expenses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that rich people smile more than poor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that poor people has more honest smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile when everybody is smiling for something what I would not smile to, for instance when someone is saying how much they drunk last night and transformed into a pig for some hours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that if I am smiling, I am more attractive for others who also like smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that if I am smiling, I am less attractive for others who does not like smiling.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I allow my definitions/reactions towards others influence my conscious or subconscious decision when to smile, when not to smile then my expression as who I am is conditional by forces outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the commonly accepted smiling as a tool to make myself appear as more happy, lovely, attractive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I smile because of a self-definition, then I am not here smiling directly but I am reacting to something and by that self-definition I am compelled to do so until I do not stop and let go and forgive and remove this specific self-definition within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I use smiling as a mask, then I am not absolutely self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why I do put up fake smile in the office when I work, even when I just feel like exploding like an atom-bomb, because then noone will ask, I can just get the job done without the need to explain why I do not smile.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not self-honest with myself in terms of smiling when I am smiling because of a reason what is not directly here as myself as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to their smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who do not smile much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who do smile all the time as deceivers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good person if I can smile.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I get my salary, I have the tendency to smile because then for a month I can be who I am according to the company money, regardless to who I am, what is the current world situation, but at least for a month I can smile easily: my pockets and my stomach can be full any time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define occasions when I have to smile instead of trusting myself always here and smile when I smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share myself here unconditionally by allowing inner judgments regarding to the circumstances I am within to define specific situations as something what allows me to express myself physically and what inhibits me from express myself physically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in terms of realizing in what situations I stop expressing myself because of a self-judgment such as "fear from others what might think/react".
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the self-compromise within by allowing myself to judge myself in a way what makes me stop expressing but starting to suppressing for instance as thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with and as myself in terms of seeing, realizing within what circumstances I let go my presence, principle to get what momentarily I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not clear within my starting point regarding to being with other humans, I have the tendency to express myself based on my past, my self-definitions, about what I've defined according to the other humans what momentarily I define as more important than my starting point here as the physical as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize within what experiences I am being washed away, flooded away from being 'physically here' by focusing to inner reactions, my inner reactions towards my inner reactions and then the whole chain-reaction syndrome - what is only energetic, what is being generated by and as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that smiling is energy, and if energy drives me then I am not here as myself as the principle as Life but I am here as the consequence of self-dishonesty as defining self according to energies outside of me.

I define love as something what is best for all.
I define smiling as physical self expression without any association.

I commit myself to stop automatically reacting within society.
I commit myself to becoming aware of all my words, movements and acts and seeing the starting point of each, being aware the physical consequence of them and standing within the realization of 'This is who I am, this is what I stand for' and if my words, movements and acts are result of a self-dishonesty, then I take full self-responsibility and I walk through it until I am here clear.
I commit myself to use smile as myself undefined.

When and as I am smiling automatically - I breathe, I let go - I realize that I am reacting to the subject of my smile based on a self-definition - so I am becoming aware of the self-definition (For instance if a woman smiles at me, I smile back automatically) to stop.

When and as I am here and somebody is smiling at me - I do not smile back automatically - but I do not stop myself smiling - if I smile, I smile - and I do see that why I do smile - and if there is self-dishonesty - an inner movement - I write it down, I forgive, I let go and then next time when similar circumstance comes - it will be tested again as myself until nothing moves me but me here.

When and as I smile at something while I experience a definition within and as me for instance 'babies are cute, smiling at a baby is always cool' - then I realize that I am moving automatically here without myself fully being aware of it - so here I unify myself, I forgive myself that I've segregated myself according to programming myself into conditional timespace, wherein I am only able to grasp what I define - instead of letting go all definitions.

When and as I want something from someone I do not smile to influence the other to get what I want - I do not judge when I do smile but I decided not to smile by default when I ask something from someone.

When and as I experience inner reaction such as thought or feeling or emotion meanwhile smiling or being smiled at - then I remember it, I write it down and I specifically forgive myself for accepting myself like that and then writing self-corrective statements to prepare the way when coming to actually change and stop automatic and unaware of my smiling and reactions towards others smiling at me.

[JTL] Day 3: Letting go ex-partner

After 2 months of hand recovery, I am here writing.

The 7 years of Journey To Life

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Check out the Agreement Course to prepare ourselves to walk as Equals as Life.


We ended our agreement to walk together quite some times ago and I am walking through the inner reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous when I speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when I speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define speaking with ex-partner as frustrating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize why I do become nervous and frustrated and angry when I meet and speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inner reaction storm within me around my solar plexus when I speak with ex-partner even through phone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame ex-partner for the experiences what I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless regarding to becoming nervous, frustrated, anxious and angry when I speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I decided to remain with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I would remain with ex-partner, I will be always nervous and frustrated and anxious and angry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed when I think about ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fallen and as a failure when I think of ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my attraction towards ex-partner because it is directing me instead of realizing that by small steps I've designed and manifested myself as who I am right here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself inferior in relation to my attraction towards ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is directing me specifically to still strive after ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I have failed the agreement with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and mentally punish myself for what I have done with ex-partner what she stated as I did with her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences what I caused with ex-partner and even not being specifically aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to avoid conflict with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I am who want to be with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is like me five years ago.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being left by ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself in terms of what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest regarding to ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I lose myself as presence as direction as principle when I am with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being true and real what ex-partner thinks an says about me because then I would judge myself as really a bastard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from screwing ex-partner's mind I did.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the starting point of my relationship with ex-partner was sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of seeing within me as me what I do really need and what I do really not need regarding to partner to walk with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself into a condition wherein I perceive myself as somebody who need and require an other to face myself, to remain stable, constant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself in terms of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being possessed by sex demon by wanting to do sex based on my self-interest to satisfy my desire and to let go compounded energetic and emotional chargups within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest reaction systems within and as my human physical body as organic robot regarding to how I express myself with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when ex-partner is saying how she is experiencing me humiliating her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is humiliation in fact.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what with and how and WHY I act like ex-partner is experiencing herself being humiliated by me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being humiliated by ex-partner by her saying to me not doing sex with other meanwhile in fact doing sex with other because she asked to agree not to do so and as I saw this point important for my agreement, then by how the other is keeping it defined also myself as somebody I can not trust while saying I can.?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ex-partner would cheat on me so then I would have to experience humiliation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that everything will be just great and cool with ex-partner and one day we would work team as walking together this lifetime supporting self and each other as equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that it would work with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would feel herself better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would realize all the things what I already realized and seeing herself not being realized.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would find an other guy who is much greater than me for her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would one day realize that what I do and participate within is really the key to Self-freedom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help ex-partner instead of realizing that she can only help herself regarding to walking the mind to Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous to ex-partner because she is meeting with many guys who are attempting to 'get' her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous when I have spare time and I want to spend with her while she do not want to meet me and she is having fun with her friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that ex-partner should spend most of her spare time with me instead of her poet friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be demanding with ex-partner regarding to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically manifest the system within me regarding to ex-partner and automatically reacting within the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go ex-partner because then I would fear of she would do something stupid or she would being chewed up by the system wherein she is really unstable and not really being supported - instead of realizing that I tried to give her support by arranging chats with the Portal to assist and support her to walk through the points what are making her petrified by fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save ex-partner from delusions instead of realizing that I can only save my own ass from my own delusions and it is the Self-responsibility what each of us must face individually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed within ex-partner because she is not realizing Self-forgiveness is the most effective tool for and as Self to change by letting go fear and self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner would not really want to be with me but she would being addicted to the sex with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing a woman because then she would become addicted to the sex with me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear from women would become addicted to me sexually is really about myself having the tendency to become addicted to sex and to do sex with one person specifically, in this case ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner coming because we would then argue and shout and say evil things what we then would regret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my physical presence while acting out the reactions towards ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am not aware of my palms, my chest, my breath, my physical body, my presence, my principle as Life and then to STOP for a moment and let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am being directed by my emotions and then to stop and breathe and let go and forgive everything what I CONtain as inner reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected by ex-partner for what I have done or for what I have not done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do not know what to do in terms of the current situation with ex-partner instead of seeing what is physically here and using common sense and decide within the principle of 'What is best for all?'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the external context I am within.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in which character I am being possessed by and for the experience to not face reality as myself as equal as one in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within expectation actually I became disappointed because my expectation we did not agree on to do or I did not speak through or not even mention to ex-partner or - I mentioned and she said that I should not expect anything from her meanwhile thinking that it is not fair because she is obviously expecing a lot of things from me by default and when I am asking to clarify to be aware of it to transform this separation into common self-support then she would just state that she is not expecting anything from me and then I would start to be angry at myself and as I am becoming anxious she would feel that and by that she would become also anxious and start saying how much she is actually disappointed in me and saying the things what felt really horrible for her and then I would actually become more angry because then I would think she is not aware what is she speaking as she is saying she do not expect while being disappointed for points and then I would think that I am screwed and fubar and just wanting to remain quiet and suppressive or wanting to or actually doing 'runaway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that if I do sex with ex-partner that is assisting her to let go all emotional self-compromise and then wanting to do sex with her and when she would reject me then I would say that I just wanted to do so because of assisting her - and then I'd admit that I wanted to have sex with her because of desire, because of wanting to release my suppressed emotional chargups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would do sex with ex-partner in every second day then we would be able to be calm and tender and kind and supportive with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner having sex with the poets what she meets quite often, not because she would want to do so but because they would want so and they can influence and even direct her when she is not directing herself within presence here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner now is coming to me and what will happen as if I am not present for a moment then I would say something what she feels really like humiliating and then she would start to be distressed and then I would become angry at myself and she would think that I am angry at her and then she would distress much more and then I would become more and more angry at myself so then each of my words would come out with anger and slowly but surely I would focus to my inner reactions instead of breathing physical here no matther what I experience inside.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in this moment ex-partner has fears to face me from experiencing all the shit what she is experiencing within herself towards me, according to, regarding to me because how we have formed ourselves what we have accepted ourselves to become as we exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge my mistakes what I did at the beginning of our agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner would physically hurt herself if I would let her go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when ex-partner told me that she wants to die and she wants to hurt herself because I felt like I do not know what to do.

I walk Self-Agreement, I am not walking together with ex-partner.

I walk as physical, I walk as inner silence, I walk as breath, I walk as Principle as Life.
I sit, I breathe, I type as breathe, I let go of the energetic reactions what are the past what is gone.

When and as I meet with ex-partner, I remain here, I remain aware of my body, I remain aware of my palms, I remain aware of my chest, I remain aware of the physical process of my breathing, I remain aware of my inner reactions while being pulled into.
I remain here as breath, and if I experience inner reactions such as emotions as anger, desire or fear or any thinking what I follow - I immediately slow down, STOP and breathe, and let go everything what is not here as physical as myself.
When and as I talk with ex-partner, I realize that within the past I had the tendency to go into inner reactions according to Self-accepted self-dishonesties, so when we face - I slow down, I breathe.

When and as I face ex-partner on chat, on phone or in physical - I remain calm, open, clear.

When and as I meet ex-partner I remain calm, kind and tender with ex-partner regardless of anything without going into participate within thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When and as I experience inner reaction, such as thoughts pointed at or about ex-partner; or having any kind of mood/feeling/emotional waving, I realize I am participating within self-definitions automatically and I slow down, I breathe, I let go everything what is not physically here.

When and as I face ex-partner, I remain inner silent, I remain aware of my palms physically as the blood is throbbing within it as it is pricking as I relax it and I remain aware of my arms, my chest, my breath, my nose as the air going in and out, my lungs, my muscles within my chest, my stomach.

When and as I am "in the context of" ex-partner - I am breathing here unwavering, if I see that I am being flooded by inner reactions, I slow down, I let go, I act, I forgive myself unconditionally.