[JTL Day 228] Breath Control decomposition

Walking through all the programs of my mind in relation to control, breathing...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think any concept, belief, definition, rule, regulation, law, habit or any judgement-based idea about how to breath, breath properly, breath appropriately, naturally and meanwhile not seeing/realizing/understanding that any knowledge and information I use in the moment here is of memory, of polarity, is of an initial experience of doubt, uncertainty, fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to completely let go the need for control, direct my breath in order to believe that this is how I must become more aware, present, powerful, responsible and in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have accepted and allowed habits of going into reaction/fear/thinking state meanwhile not only disregard my physical body, presence, breath, but actually suppress it, hold back and not being intimate with myself to acknowledge the fact that I am deliberately reducing myself to not be able to live to my utmost potential simply by allowing the fear and the patterns of fear to influence, control me without being aware of how much extent I am reacting and holding myself back within what specific situations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am going into anxiety, frustration reactions based on automatic judgements of I am not being able to control, direct the situation, something, myself as I want to and not realizing that I am separate from what I want to control, I want to superimpose my will to something I not fully understand yet I expect it to work as I imagined, desired and based on that having energetic reaction to my imagination, with my mind going faster than the physical timeline wherein my actual, real human body lives and moves and thus accepting myself to exist within such separation without realizing that even this very acceptance is self-dishonest and accumulates into the fear, frustration, powerlessness, automatic emotional reaction experience.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not a technique to be here, present within breathing, wherein I want to let go the breath and work it automatically without me knowing, understanding, controlling and defining, associating letting go the control for breath, my body with letting go my direction, presence and focus, discipline and not realizing that the two are not the same and I can let go the strive for control, the fear of failure, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of mistake, the fear of loss and directly experience, not having de-fence, a judgement, energetic-reaction-based de-fence of thoughts, feelings, emotions with what I can keep myself busy and by those experiences not realizing that I am not here in and as my human physical body, as presence, as simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I wanted to control my breath in order to try to control my mind, my self, my body, because I felt that I have no control over it because of the fear experiences, the reactions, the anxiety can come in any time at any place and not realizing that these are patterns of trigger points which I can observe, write down and understand and then forgive myself for accepting and allowing to exist like that and realizing the responsibility and the opportunity to find practical ways to stop the fear, the control.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the natural ability of my human physical body, my presence, my living flesh and not trusting it, wanting to control, program it with thoughts, feelings, emotions, because giving up on myself before I could learn something within the fear of losing, falling and then accepting self-limitations, self-compromises within what I could perceive myself as more controlled, thus more prepared to have defense from fear, meaning not needing to face vulnerability, loss and not realizing that even the very starting point of how I accept myself to exist in relation to vulnerability, loss I can open up, understand and with decision and commitment stop and change to become more direct, more present, more self-honest than currently I am accepting myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thoughts within my head, my mind and believing that these thoughts are directly me and what these 'talk' is who I am directly and therefore taking them seriously, not questioning them and thus not questioning myself and thus not realizing that I react to my thoughts automatically based on patterns which I also react with patterns of the belief that this is who I am and everything I would experience, learn, decide would come through this mechanism, technique and also automatically having the justification that this helps me to survive, be effective in this world, system, existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how to equalize myself, my physical presence with breathing, without control, without concept, without condition, without any con and making the mistake to judge the words as problem meanwhile in fact I am the problem, not the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live without words, to be unworded, because feeling the need to use words to live by as unworthy and not realizing that words can be support for stability, expression as well and in fact my problem is manifested by the relationships I accept among words, my energetic reactions, memories, associations to words which until I do not open up, write down, forgive, I am not aware of, thus I am unable to recognize the patterns I live by according to these words and thus remaining limited, compromised while having the excuse that words, definitions are the reason I am reactive, lost, instead of being able to become directive, present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to delete all my personality, all my definitions of words, stop all my reactions to words with indirect interventions, intense applications, overwhelming energetic experiences and not realizing that this is not the solution, this is just attention diversion and not acknowledging the practical common sense that how in the first place I've created myself, my personality, my reactions, my expressed relationships to the specific words and thus realizing the solution to my problem: knowing, decomposing, forgiving, stopping the patterns, re-defining the words without polarity, without separation, without reaction, without energy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and what words I defined based on polarity, negative and positive, having a positive attraction and negative repulsion without exactly being aware of why.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what are my preferences, in terms of likes, dislikes, positive and negative, also of what is proper beingness, what is not cool are based on polarity, judgement, based on an interest which has the center of myself only and thus not being able to realize the consequence I cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can learn to breath properly as a technique and only that I would need to be able to stop my mind, to stop my self-dishonesties, self-limitations, self-judgements and not realizing that technique can be effective, but it is not enough, it is not the solution, because then I would prefer the technique instead of trusting myself here, and thus all I would do is to create an other polarity, separation, system to live for and instead of me which is still of control, still of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to write down and walk through the resistances to let go control completely within my very presence, physical beingness and breathing and not realizing the imagined scenarios I would fear happening, such as falling apart, not being able to behave properly, socially, which I know it's an excuse, yet at moments still participating within the resistance, thus creating friction, polarity, conflict, which then I would try to control...

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So this is an interesting aspect - and see - this is still the control topic - opening up the breathing point, and I will continue in the next post...

I commit myself to walk through all my resistances, control, perceptions of breath, proper breathing within physical timeline and know myself how I accepted and allowed myself to exist as and to take responsibility and forgiving myself to really see what I do and recognize the patterns before going into the automatic reaction and be able to give myself the opportunity to stop participating and to see what is beyond reaction, fear.

[JTL Day 227] Everybody dies

This is a reminder of what is really going on here and to share a common sense point, because this might not be that obvious in overall:

Everybody dies

I remember when my sister considered me once as a 'strange man who thinks about death' - well, not exactly, but it does not mean I do not realize every day that I am certainly going to die.

This might sound like creepy, but it is not a bad thing at all - well, this is not a fear-based reaction, like 'o m g - I am going to die, noooooo' - but it's rather like 'well, practically put, what is important, what are the values, principles, the very meaning of life of who I represent here within my living expression today - and tomorrow.

It also can be really awesome if I also consider what I have expressed yesterday and before, but only to be able to clarify who I am going to be today and tomorrow as the best I could be possible.

'Best' meaning here to live up to my utmost potential, which I might not know until I push myself through some resistances, even uncomfortable situations, finding out and expanding my limitations - and within that if I put everything of myself, I might see it.

There is a cool concept which I encountered through the books of Carlos Castaneda - he was of a 'shaman' apprentice by the story.

There were qualities pronounced by his teacher, Don Juan and Don Jenaro: one of those was being: impeccable, blameless.

This was always an important thing within my life, to live like I would not feel ashamed or to regret what I did or did not - but how can I ensure that I will not regret anything? That I have no shame at all. The common sense is to always give all I can every day, in each moment and I might not know how much I can do until I did not try.

My father was also referred as a 'strange man', he also often contemplated about death, but his message to me was 'see, son, we could die any day and we can't do anything about it, so it seems quite pointless, we have no control' - meanwhile how I concluded was the opposite - because I have nothing to lose(listen to Bernard's interview!) - I can and should live up to my possible utmost potential, which I might not know until I am absolutely certain that I did all I could, I pushed all my limits until I could and I did not give into any temptation of any resistances within my mind. Why? Because what I resist persists - and then I am not the directive principle, rather I allow an accepted consequence to set a limit to me, who I accept myself to be, which is what is it: self-compromise.

So then it is the reason, the justification, the very excuse is who I actually am as manifested consequence - but more - what I physically participate within and also accepting and allowing within this Earthly physical existence - is also who I actually am. Might sound as exaggeration but if I really want to take responsibility for all I was, I am or I ever can be(come) - this is what I have to stand up to.

So giving up all of my life for something sounds self-deception, because how I could give up what I do not actually have, which is apparently called 'my life' - when I have actually, certainly no power to stop my death. I can postpone, I can slip through here and there, but eventually I am going to die. Of course, this does not mean to become reckless, irresponsible, or self- and life-abusive, just to have an aware reference point not get possessed by the idea of fear of death too much to the point of resistances and self-compromises.

So this is also a cool motivation for the really sane human - there is no emotion, fear, of any negative association - nor also a positive reaction of I am still here today - these would mean I am giving a meaning, a purpose for who and what and why I am here and by that I would exist with that point within a conditioned relationship in my mind but as it is of conditions, so beyond that it is the actual liberty of self-realization that who I am is here - always here unconditionally.

Might sound a bit philosophical, but literally this is easy: I am all what is here.

With this starting point I take responsibility for all what is here - starting with me, who I accept myself to be - in my mind, from which I perceive norms, limits, this certainly can be questioned, challenged, understood and eventually transcended, meaning I am not accepting anything less than who I can be within expression, living, actual physical participation with which I am influencing my reality.

Realizing the current conscience, awareness and actual power I currently can direct - this encompasses my mind, my body at first, then what I actually can do within this human system with my mind, body, words.

Many people try to find a meaningful purpose, a compass to live by, an interest - but the simplest yet greatest perspective, starting point and thus responsibility simply must be what one can incorporate, embrace, including ALL.

This certainly can and will fuck the ego-mind-consciousness if one can take it seriously: What is best for all - in theory, in practice - even to figure out one has to be stepped out of the hypnotic trance of self-interest, it's justification of fear of loss to stand naked in front of self, existence, as equal as one as a whole yet still an individual expression of life.

So this is actually cool - if I only care about myself or about a certain part, a group of existence, then I am neglecting, I am disregarding, I am actually separating myself from all I could stand up to in terms of responsibility, awareness and actual self-and thus: life-realization.

So waking up as a purpose, every day, to realize - who I am today is all I've got, and I will not get any better than this.

Everybody dies, that's quite certain, and everybody will take responsibility for what they perceive themselves to be - so it's also cool - everybody can be as much, as great, as powerful as they want, but that comes with responsibility - this is the ultimate question: what is my interest? Only Self or others as well? What it means to take responsibility for all?
With this as a moral compass, as a point of integrity, responsibility - we can apply not only common sense but also a more simplification of priority about what is really important, I mean one can be nervous when dating with someone at first or even disappointed about not getting awesome service at the restaurant while many are living in hell on earth - one can start asking that "is my fucking instability, self-centered whining, egoistic, mind-parasite sex-drug-party-craving the best for all, really?" One can let the point of integrity go with an excuse of a simple fall or self-dishonesty accepted, while to realize that we all each can accumulate towards what is best for not only ourselves, but also to include all and if we can't, it might mean we are too stuck within our mind to see the reality, which can be investigated, understood step by step with the decision to be made every day, because one can admit or not - we can all die at any place in any time. And of course not to get stuck in that as something to be feared from, but as I mentioned before: a grownup, sane person can realize facts. Everyone wants to be handled good, so to manifest that, we just have to give that to receive the same...
Many can say easily, to live in the moment, go with the flow, but to be able to live shameless, as innocent without ignorance only can be realized if one has no shame and regret at all - to be able to look into anyone's eyes and not to say 'I am sorry' - but to be able to stand like that - 'this is who I am, I do all I can do', which is not an excuse, but a starting point in each moment to push beyond resistances and limitations because we should not accept to be anything less than who we really are as life as all as equal as one.

It is not that difficult to consider what is best for all - here is something to read about that:

This may sound complicated and 'philosophical', but it's really not.

What's an example of a starting point that is not best for all?

• http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/06/day-300-whats-your-purpose-in-this-life.html