Stuff

Stuffs.

Desire stuff again. How I see it here - how I experience here.
Some weeks ago - maybe more than a month - I decided to make contact with woman again - ok before I already did steps but as one girl said - 'you are not giving too much into it, and it is not enough' - but I've decided to not give up myself again - not giving up on myself in terms of what I actually am is not what I can paused or procrastinated just because of the excuse of 'I have a girlfriend and now she want my time or I want my time'. No. No bullshit. Not anymore. Not allowed. I am me as me as one as equal. And My self-forgiveness as self-purification until I am here and that's it and that's all. And After all then I decided to just have fun - mean just have sex and by that maybe I will find a 'proper' girl who I could find to have as an agreement - as it never was before - because the starting point never was actually oneness and equality - not even mentioned - and totally not lived.
So I met with some women and I had to realise - again - and again - that I desire me. Actually I desire me for me to be me and to experience me.
Because when I am here - in a certain extent and I express me and I just do whatever I enjoy to express and I forget about time and I forget about fear, past everything and I just do whatever I do - then it is like something what makes me to not only forget the desire, but also just realise that I do not need desire, when I am here - the desire is not here - and common sense: then I have no desire, am not of desire, I am not desire.
And this sex thing is the only what I use as an excuse to find a relationship - of course - every body does this - derived and drived by the mind due the manifested separation of dishonesty.
Because I definied relationship as dishonesty, because I definied relationship as giving up somehing of me to get sex, to have sex - and no matter what and how I did, manifested - the core was great sex - with a beautiful woman.
And when it manifested, when not only me became addicted to sex, but the girl also - because was unbeliably fantastic and when is just fantastic and is here apparently for free - people can take it granted and slowly but surely putting more and more value into that and putting even the definition of themselves trough the experienes, especially the memory-related stuff - so just not wanting to loose - and then the real obsession begins - to giving up who I am to actually maintain this relationship. And of course this can be really twisted when from the begining iI have no any clue about who I am - and after I have, and I want and I get and I want and after I really get and it is here and I see that I got and I realise that I have but something is missing...me. Then I just want to walk away - silently, because at a point I already knew this will happen - and I went in and omg timeloop.
So I did it 8 years ago and I did it 5 years ago and I did it 2 years ago. And more I did - needed less and less 'time' to get to the same point - but differently: I am not of this.
And now I tried to form, to get, to hunt, to actually fit into one, until I did not allowed me to realise - I am trying to remanifest what I already did and realised that I am not this - because when I am accepting, and allowing me to enjoy me just here - but as this was - still "IS" conditional - this kind of expression - is kind of event-based, not self-direction-based - is never was just me who I am as stability.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my desires will be fulfilled - instead of realising in the realisation the releaseIam occurs - I believed that I lost myself - I believed that I am not real - and I believed that the desire is real to be lived again - and experiencing a gain.
And the desire raised and I desired to fulfill me - because I feared that I am not here as who I am - and in that fear I actually manifested it - and in the manifestation I lost and I definied myself according to the manifestation of fear. And even I became addicted to manifest the fear -believing that fear as me - instead of realising that is just a reflection of me - and I manifest it as my shadow - but I am not that only - embracing the shadow self. Trough stopping the relationship with and as my shadow self as definied and maintained separation and unifying it as me as one as equal here - trough dissolving, distracting the connections what keeps this system up - what I fear of loss - what I fear of being exposed, being exploded - because I define it as me - and by this it is actually me - this mind consciousness system what I've became.

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I wanted to stop desire - I always wanted to stop and even since some days I experienced something really strange - like the desire to follow desire - and I even had to develop self-trust and self-intimacy to even experience this: I dont want to follow my desires - because it is deception, because I know it, because I realised it is an illusion - merely the creation of my mind.
So I stop desire, I stop follow, I stop feed desire, because again I am in the desert alone with the realisation as all are illusion.
And it is strange, how I operate from an 'another level' - as I know already what I will to do - but I can not do at the moment - ok I CAN but probably I still let some judgement - AS I still develop self-movement to actually being able to do what I direct - and it is to STOP. STOP follow desire and simply be HERE.
So simple. And this is still tricky somehow - as I started to be happy about "I will stop follow desire very soon" - and trough defining it - and of course still there is the possibility of self-deception as I just write and exactly will do the same - driven by an event - but first that I have to face and stand second anyway I realised again the illusionaric nature of desire - and at the first time I am aware of quite well and it makes sign. And that sign is to actually STAND.
And this desire of course not stopped totally - but the sharpness of it merely getting really rusty - and I am aware of this when occurs in it's totality - and like this I start to be able to really see what I am doing and actually why.

Stopping desire is about stopping self- sopping deception-self - and by stopping actually realising what is here - what really I am.

I still see some desire to musical instruments and audio hardware as microphone soundcard and after wont be more excuse to express me in music - and whatever definition comes up: I STOP.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to using stopping desire as a polarity to being able to regain desire again - being the absolute polarity manifestation within and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that all my desires, wishes will be fulfilled.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be controlled trough definied desie.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself trough what I see with my human phisical eyes.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire women.
I forgive myself that I accepted and alllowed myself to desire relationship.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire sex.
I forgive myself that I accepted aND allowed myself to fear from me.