Ok

Ok, I've killed all unposted/unfinished blog drafts, simply by publishing them, some were for months only - only sleepeng. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not breath naturally in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I walk.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I walk on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I meet with someone on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I look into someone-s eye while I am walking on street.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I see something uncommon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situations as uncommon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situations separated from me, instead of realizing that the situations are me as one as equal and I can breath here and direct myself as the situation as me as one as equal here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath when I encounter with a breathtaking experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define situation as breathtaking by allowing myself to stop breathing naturally to be able to dig into the mind and not being here as the physiscal as me as one as equal to take self-responseibility and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn, to shut down, to not hear what I was about in the last moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally when I am having a conversation with somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/consider about the other related to my breathing experience - instead of realizing that I breath here and this is not the question of judgement, but self-trust - - can I trust within and as me to breath here naturally or not - and if not then why? What is the obsticle within my head what I dare to push before my breath - to see this and realize the dishonesty and prepare the change by specific self-forgiveness and then apply it and change.,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider about how many blog posts I send today, instead of realizing that I am me as breath here - and I discipline myself to focus to what is here and when attempts are occuring to wavering then applying self-forgiveness specifically.

back

Some strength only can come when I am stepping over the accepted weakness.
This sickness is like a contract - a connection - a giving/getting.
I give my strength, I get back my weakness.
For the weaken to be awaken?
This women issues looks like total bullshit - at the moment I manage breath trough these issues - the mind-desire and the sex desire - totally separated stuffs but in fact it is just like multiple-pillared mind-worm - caterpillar-like consctructional surreal uncutted kidneypushing breathtaking small moments when I realize the ironic smell of my own bullshit.

Never sewer the fever bever beaver!

So this sharp short pains in right kidney happen quite often in this last some days.
Stop pretending, stop projecting, stop fighting, stop playing.
Still I tend to play the cosmic consciousness act - because people pulls a trigger what I never ocnsidered - and self-honesty sharply pains and I see the hidden reflection of me inside the robot's personality of my own expression.
Spiritual bullshit and great wisdom people do like to wave but this is for their mindpeace but undoubtfully weak for protecting the weaving of the lakemirror's wholeness when the rock falls.
And I find myself to not be this falling rock into their lake and then in the next moment I can not judge myself because I did not pushed myself - because it is totally gone. So this kind of issue is quite remarkable - if I push myself in every moment then I can not be blamed by myself - because I am aware - that I do anything what is possible in every moment - so this gives me the trust - or gives the way to realize that I am my trust.
Like in the work - I sit in office, I push me and the job is being pushed, and is being solved - if not - then I have to push - that's it.
In this project - I pushed myself to the limits - and it's great - I experienced something new - the obsession of self-occupation - what I do is that what I do and I do it and I enjoy to do it and I am doing it and this is who I am.
This only I experienced before in party-life when I was kind of spiritual-guy who could be quite deep in the trips and I was aware that I am silent - but as I literally engineered this to happen - I had to pay for the process - because it was based on chemical - and big shoot ment to get the big fall.
I got a tiny realization about how much mind-garbage I've participated and all I will have face again and stop reaction until everything of me stops.
I experienced blue energy-strains around in space - kind of salvia-shit flash-back was - with the eyes of consciousness. Trippy stuff - manifested mind-prison of me one and equal here.
Observation one more - right nose is stuck - this happens when I participate too much thoughts - it stuck and when I allow myself to breath - just breath - this always goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always wanted to be somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be just like somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be like those who apparently are capable of doing incredible things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanted to be musician like those who I know from personal memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself to not trust myself but want to copy others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to liste to others about I have to copy others in order to find my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to emotional suppressions and automated reaction systems according to the manifested dishonesties within myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize

Scar(ed) (T)issues

Ok I make a list about what I do not want to forget anymore until I transcended.

-some tirednes when comes up - only necessary to push trough and realize that I am breath as expression and apply self-forgiveness anything comes up on and as
-resistance on some specific 'areas' what I've defined as avoidable or fightable - this implies women, finishing music and be self-honest with anybody, especially those who I have memory with - called family, friends etc --- when avoidance occurs, simply apply self-forgiveness and see what is being digged up and apply self-forgiveness and push self until the core is here and one and equal I stand -- when I realize that I fight - I stop and see reactions as well and see what I fear to loose and simply experience to let it go and explore what remains
--embarrassedness - this is actually cool - kind of presence-test -- discipline and breath and enjoy what is here
--fear from not having enough resources (basically money) - this is ludicrous, actually I will get a contract for unlimited time in a huge company - until nukewar, probably it will last -- more precisely: until I will leave

So here is a girl who wants to meet with me and do some nasty things but she is inhibited from a perspective, and I am simply aware about how I would react about her: probably one curly night and that's it.

For me at this moment is important to push me trough from avoiding physical contact to actually facing with.

In fact there is the other girl who I dream with sometimes and she is just attracting me with her simplicity and beauty and innocence - and she wrote to me that soon we meet.

I do not accept myself to have an another relationship anymore - so this stuff brings up some past unfinished businesses - and I can say - I am ruthless, but in fact I do not identify myself as who I really am with the emotional content what I actually let to direct me - only I open myself unconditionally and realize what is this and how it happened. No romantic bullshitting.
I already seen what this looks like - shining light-systems within my human physical body until I do not stop participate. I stop.

This emotional participation is much-much less stronger, overcoming and deeper than one-two years before - but in fact I can still explore the influence within my expression and I do not accept this.

I got the flu - it came fast, and it was extensively intense, painful, but looks like the real shit of this actual one has gone - what left is a little tiredness and sick throat and lot of coughing.

It was like my spine was burning and my limbs were freezing - or broken.
My head was dizzy and barely I could think so I pushed myself to simply breath.

I was watching Heroes 1 series and these emotions came up - and I almost cried - I was literally burning inside. It was like a transformation.

I tend to forget that nothing to fear - I can really do whatever I want - and the excuse to explore this because of the fear was to lie to myself that I do not know what I want.
BUT
I am who I am - I do not need to want who I am - I am simply who I am, so I express.

days

I work all day, actually every day - weekend or not - this is one big pushday.
I work hard, I even do not think, how much I am at the office - something changed within me. I am my work. People are being kicked out, even within the team - some are really professionals - this not about friendship, not even how long they were at the company or how they are good in their job. Simply just cutting down the branches as the spring comes - this brings much questionmarks all around me but I do not care. I work here and I do not separate myself from them or from my work.
I started to be good. I've never worked at a comapny for one year - this is it. One year - it's enough to stabilize my feet on what I am doing and the fruit is much-much days - something I perceived as stuck and swampy - or something what is freezed - started to move. I move, and I get what I want and then will see.
Within two months I will be able to financially stand up from loans - and my tiny studio is getting ready.
Work of me - the work as me.
I started to notice that I defined myself as not getting aroused but as I noticed, I defined myself - I started to be aroused - I got some movies, I watched and interesting was to see - I 've defined myself according to suppression.
And I've defined that that girl wanted to have movies and I dared myself to justify this with her - projection - mind-obsession -- obvious exposion.
I needed this suppression to define me to remain this. But not anymore.
Simply because I wanted to avoid living woman but still wanting to have release when the bomb is starting to explode - but still remain as a bomb. Because then I can say - fuck, I am a bomb, what does not explodes, but still a bomb.
So Explosion? I did it - outnumbered occasions it happened by horsekicking psychedelics - those were not real but in fact the kicking was real. I kicked myself indirectly because I was not here and I pushed myself. But from over there - to over over there. In fact it is more simple to push myself here.
I am here - I push myself here.
Every moment I do not push myself - I am being pushed back from my unpush-ness.
Of couse it does not matter - when I start to step back from the push - it comes and I step back and it is me - my shadow manifestation is pushing me.
Also this girl - we did chat and I experience the urge to get her but I in fact there is something what is holding me back.
It is more precise than a nuclear plant. Because in fact I am leting myself to dream about an another girl just because of the memory - and the another girl is waiting for being 'hunted' - and I enjoy to express myself as honesty and when I act - I experience myself as pushing her to realize self honesty and than I realise that I push me and then I am pushing here constantly what ever is this here - and when it's undefined and I am directing - it is obviously effective.
This bullshit knowledge system what I am stopping - it is huge - but that wisdom is system wisdom - fucks me up and down and IO define myself according to these frequency sample treshold statistics? Fuck the system - fuck the memory - embrace time and space as breath in and as every single moment.

Probably the desire to be with that girl who I dream regularly - or if not then the dream is obviously about this kind of entity. Let's face this stuff in real. So much suppression comes out and knocking on the closed doors - Hey, Tala, are you here? Are you in?

So - push yourself in every single moment - because this is the gift of self. the push of self as self-honesty to live moment here.
I push my mother as me - I push that girl on chat, I push my sister, unconditionally dealing with and as everything here as me.
Enjoying work - and this is like if I trust me in every moment - I am the manifested trust placement within and as me: then nothing to worry, enjoy the show and every fail-all-ure is just part of the movement - as whole as everything.

Still darkness is avoided from a point - self-trust experience opens up doors every day - this process is very simple - express and express and express.

The first hungarian guy joined on desteni hungarian site - he asked me where to start or what to read, and I've suggested him some docs, videos.
that's all - on this week I write more again.
It actually does not matter how much I work - I am starting to be more focused when I am awaken - I do and act and I push me and then I sleep, and I wake up and I push myself again - interesting to see how much I've defined myself according to energy related to sexual expression - sexual release, or orgasm - I've defined myself according to sexual suppression - and my energetical level according to the amount of sexual desires, suppressions - what always caused tiny shocks within my body, experiences - so I experience with this - to not suppress - but express - and will see what will be unfolded. I did quite some self forgiveness aloud about this energy stuff and sexual stuff and I change - I have to change because I am already changing - it's unstoppable. I as breath stopping the participation within the mind to remain inner silent.
So much I can fight with a simple stuff - but it's unnecessary.

These self-forgiveness sentences what I say in these days - I stabilize with this post:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy as amount according to the quantity of suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and transform it to depression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and anger into deprssion - instead of realizing that this anger is towards me because I did not stand up and I did regret the stepping back from myself - instead of standing up and pushiny myself trough my previously accepted and allowed nature to explore what is actually here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing with girl because I fear from having fall into possession of her as relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that in the past I lost my head because of girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose girls according to how much I could fly away in my mind from here and saying that these girls are really special so probably will assist me to fly away to another dimensions/worlds who the fuck knows where to actually not being here as expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire girl to have sex instead of realizing that this is a programmed self-definition system about how to remain exactly the same according to suppressions and definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny me and try to escape from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as something what takes my energy away - and within participation in this belief - I started to perceive myself as this and then I was totally the slave of this illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my power related to how much I avoided sexual expression - just because I've defined sex as nasty, or low.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I became quite soon possessed with sex and that's why I looked after another expressions or explorations such as drugs, music, travel etc to avoid sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex is the mind-energy rejuvenartion system's main fuel - and until I fight against it - it will persists.

Push&shadow

Light. Pure, overtone, virtual mindlight.

The being participates trough self-definition what energetically manifests projection within this light consciousness system.
This one step-definition projects a simple bean from the direction of it's starting point- let's call this 'entry-point'. As the being enters this territory, the system allows to shoot beams - what are like vacuums within the full of light, from the opposite of it's starting point - it casts a shadow.
So there is the being participates within a self-definition - this singular vacuum-like beam is shooted and from an another perspective it casts shadow. Now lets' explore what is self-definition. Actually every definition has to be self-definition. So.
It's like here is this consciousness as a manifested sound expression. Not the whole sound, but it's like a filtered part, yet it is that, but the being is the filter. The being can be called also as starting point of sound expression.
So there is a method to scan the limited consciousness system by taking samples from the currently available frequency domain. The important part of these frequency-scans is the filter(being) and the intensity: the peak. The peak signifies that the being's expression caused an intense participation(intense self-projection by definition as a singular mind-bean) within a specific frequency domain and the previous vacuum-bean 'shooting' was the starting point of it. So then the peak(and it's starting point) is being stored within a specific storage, called memory, and labeled by the previous definition itself as word - as the previous definition's vacuum bean caused the actual. A connection arises - from point to line and from line forming the geometry of participation.

So then this occurs multipe times, around the space and time - and causes multi-dimensional geometrical pattern within the existence; and manifesting these vacuum beans, by these starting points/taking samples/memory storings and each casts shadows.
These are not 'real' shadows - but more likely the balancing outs of the vacuums within the system to keep everything stabilized - but let go one step further in this stabilization:

Well, these shadows when interfere - then in fact the inverse frequency intensity is being merged - basically making darker 'areas' within specific 'basic clear light' domains.

And the being does not stops defining, so then, when experiencing this vacuum-beam-shadow-area within the light system - defines it as the exact inverse way as it is from the actual location of the being because of the beam-projections - and the being perceives shadow, and the shadow is a quite interesting part of the expression of the being:
It is the actual expression of the being, yet the being is perceiving the frequency domain - so it looks like the shadow is just a part of a reflection from the system, not the being itself - a part of the big common-filter-expression.

And the being starts to try to avoid entering dark area by shooting beams within the 'shadow-like defined' area, because there are yet vacuum beans, but those apparently not casting shadows - and from the being's perspective: it means that, it does not change the light, so it looks like that within the light only works the casting shadow by vacuum beans.

So the being starts to avoid it's own casted shadows, instead of realizing that is actually itself(himself/herself etc), what is trying to avoid - and indirectly being directed to react the opposite - and will facing with the same experience what tried to avoid.
Because the being(as the mental projection of the 'real' being) as these darkness-vacuum beams within the light system are influencing the system - so the system flows, and makes the play on: the being starts to meet with it's 'creation' - the consequences of the actual self-projections and then also tries to 'beam' it's own projected 'beamself' to figure out what happened - and then the circle is closed. After this movement the being is being locked out from it's creation from the perspective of losing the starting point of itself as entering the lightmind system and starting projecting energy-information-light-shadowcasting beams to define itself to be able to react.

So good luck to realize the only one solution: stop!

well, a bit foggy, I will return to this one once more to see what comes up later on