todie or not todie

Ok, it looks like not all desires are related to directly sex - this musical expression is not that one - yet the guy who I play music with - he always says that when we will go to stage - then girls will come continously - that would be an interesting situation - I never had this - however there were occasions when women were interested in me and I felt this and I did not want - but those were not like 'direct strike' - but more subtle, more soft pings they made...

If I would choose, I would prefer a situation with somebody within an agreement one and equal - however I do not want to fuck my mind with the idea of desiring after this - because in fact recently I had to realize - that was a 'desire after relationship' but within a 'pink cloud' - so I had to rid of this whole issue and restart from scratches.
I mean the starting point and the whole meaning of meeting with that particular girl - Gy - who does not like when I call her 'puna'(in hungarian that sounds like a countryside accented pussy) - however she did not wanted anything constant closely with me so I was rehashed my definitionmatrix and I was aware of my own mindfuck.
According to the fact that I had this desire to have sex with her - even when it was of 'emerging both of us into one and equal' to face ourselves -- I was not sure about this would not only an excuse to the 'good old' definition system personality program called 'tala'.

So - work work work - I work, today 2 work I was at - from the office I was in a meeting within that huge marble room in the museum to discuss about a new job - bank payment issue has to be dealt with webservices calls, databases, forms etc - I was not absolutely happy as I will have to work with it quite much -- yet it means extra $$$$.
In fact what work I spent on at the office - is already almost exhausting - so I do not 'have' time for much stuff - and recently about half of it was taken by this 'second job' at home.

This does not bring much money - but some yes - and it would be handy if the main job at the office would be stopped - but it would not be enough even for 'surviving'...

For reference - if I would like to move on - along with the bullshit so called 'carrier' - I am assuming that this will worth - as almost 2 years I already spent at this huge company, international team, leading edge technologies etc - and those 3 other job experiences before this - what were not too long, but in fact the project experience in years counts - so I am considering to write a new CV and send it over for some dozens of headhunters - even in London.
I will get soon a SIM card from UK what will make me somebody who are likely in the UK already...Ex livingmate, Niz lives there actually and he also committed his lifespan to making music within the electronic dance music scene - and it was already proven multiple times that when we would live together - that would be quite fruity.
So this was considered well - act will follow this soon.

Also huge possibilities opened today - however much things will be tested out - also related to desires and issues what I avoided before - in order to procastinate to face with and as myself - but not anymore -- for instance this desire after girl, sex - or using excuse that I do not have very great technical stuffs to make the best music -- not anymore, as almost everything what I ever desired about to make music - is here.
So on hardware level everything is in it's place - the heart of the studio - the music editing tool program is just coming --since elementary school I did not pay for software - but this will worth it - I mean I am in a situation such as somebody from the west - to have these things - heaven of making music - so I will start with rehashing the already halfmade projects and making them sounding very intense and nasty and finish them with some great synth sounds and then moving on - much much I would like to express trough music...

To be aware to not be subjective - 'subjectiate' Gy when we speak - she is me as one as equal - and no desire - as it of separation -- no refuse or becoming shielded - as this would signify dishonesty --

And as the urge still can come up to find a way to have sex/orgasm - I assume that much I have to express and release...

I would like also do do things what I can not because all day I work -- so this takes too much -- I am working on solution...

Self direction - breath breath breath
no compromise, no fear, no hesitation - no inner echoing, no past based definition reaction

why this daily

Looks like all my desires has this sexual origin - tomorrow I will explore what desires I allow and how are related to sex.
Sexual release, sexual pleasure, sexual energy, sexual fuck knows what:)
As today I allowed myself to get extensively aroused - I had to realize that it can go forward quite more and in fact it is not real - and that's why I do not give myself 'into it' but I fight against it -- because then I would realize - none of it was real -- so as I suppress and compound -- I am directed - instead of taking self responsibility and stop -- and start exploring living -- without ideas, compromise and illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get aroused by pictures and sounds - instead of remain here as real as the physical as breath.

Breath directly, breath continously, breath physically, breath real.
Tomorrow I push breath further more - when I experience this limitedness - breath!

Today as I told to my workmate that with Gy we are having quite a distance - he said I am blaming for her instead of realizing myself.. It was ironic and he was absolutely right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Gy about what I experience - instead of realizing that this is what I am doing for myself and for her and broadcasting this separational delusion as one as equal - instead of stopping and forgiving and releasing and changing.

I am curious but in fact I should fear from exposing myself - but then the change would be inevitable. This is what I am going to do.

Also with Gy - I felt like I was not able to express myself - but then I would ask that what I would like to talk in order to influence her?
This fear of manipulating people would be here when I would manipulate people - so probably I do -- let's explore this also tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am manipulating people according to my desires.

I did not drink any tea today as yesterday planned, and in fact I was sleepy.
Shit fuck, the job was slowly moving and I was wondered again how about to change this situation around me - - change me!

purify A

Today I became aware of that one and half month no sex changed me a little. Ok, there was some sort of sexual engagements - but as at the office some guys can refer to it - there was no 'happy finish'.
So I was wondered about how long it would take, but in fact I had no idea - I wanted to do this 3 weeks dare - and after that I had no hurry - yet I managed to arouse myself several times but then I was able to stop - and it was at the border of suppressing it but in fact the expression was to not be addicted to orgasm and it was done. However, on friday maybe, it just happened that I touched myself and it was kind of self expression - was no plan, no image, I explored myself and then this experience came and then for a moment I was totally naked - not physically only but absolutely.
Interesting experience, in fact I started to wonder about how it was and then I had this urge to continue this sexual experience - but I assume that was kind of a rush after this kind of experience and that was not really self-expression -- hm I correct this: I revealed to myself again - how about I run into experiences what are not really last and not even so fascinating - as they were before...

So interesting - this was done and then I had to realize that I built up a belief that after I had orgasm, there would be around 3 days to regain a kind of energy level and by this I was able to blame myself about why I am not 'aware enough' to things, to surroundings, or even about myself!
And basically this was a big bullshit, and I knew it before, but after this expression - it became quite clear that this belief manifested only when I was wondered about it - when I was alone or I was about to strengthen this within me by energetic participation such as thoughts.
I became aware that I used to be with specific people sometimes to divert my attention from my belief - so I was escaping from my own illusion...
Interesting - and when I try to hold this belief right here - it is not real - it is not here - it comes from that fact that there were times when I had sex (masturbation/engage with a woman) that I was really tired and then I had to 'regerenate'. This regeneration was necessary becase I was using energy, instead of self expression I was -- so the energy came and went by - and I was a slave of it.
But not anymore.
This sexual desire was quite built up within me yet I did not wanted to release because I wanted to bring myself into a situation when this should come naturally...
Sometimes I was so aroused when I was with Gy that even physical pain emerged - and she after a point always stopped me so I had no chance - in fact I would have, but I wanted this specific point to compound.

I write this but so many times I was not aware of this - I was so directed, I felt myself as a peasant on the chessboard and sometimes I felt myself as the leader(queen) on the black/white board - but in fact all figures are me...

Fascinating...
And now - after some days - I have no urge to have sexual experience - yet I would have the tendency..yes I see one point - today I observed really some girl's body - and I wanted to grasp some kind of inner reaction and not much was...
Ok let's clear these more...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy as defining woman's body as sexy, as arousing, as possible sexual content -instead of realizing that the joy is already me - but I am not aware of the joy of the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the definitions of joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize woman physical bodies according to my ideas of being nice or not - not realizing that this is of polarity manifestation of energy of mind - not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a good shaped woman body who with I can play sexual games - because I've defined it as great - according to the norms of programmed society.

So
At this moment let's write my issues:
-I decided to go trough all the hungarian words and collect all associations and forgiving them to be aware and stop reacing as a robot. - this I want continously but somehow I did not manage to do so -- every day it should happen even only for ten minutes - but continously push this point because it would assist much...
-Get cubase right here - not wait for Gy to have that paper what is required to get that software - I can count only myself if I want something really - I am here - I express - I direct. Since 3 weeks she did not managed it - I go on.
-I had this emotional burst towards her when I was like fed up with this issues according to her and I told her that if nothing goes more closely - such as agreement or direct, stable, trustable support between us - then it would worth nothing, so I was seriously questioned the worth of our meetings - and she felt bad because she felt that I would just throw her away if something does not happen what I want, and it made a great distance between us but it's all right - I mean - she decided something, I also - and here is the consequences... Do we learn/change? Will see...
What I see that I was not absolutely clear on this - and she is absolutely not able to engage into an agreement - yet I was in the hope that somehow I can influence her or she would consider this as support - but not and then that's it lol.

- Job issue - I was considering to make some CV-s and send over to London - will try - I am having this 'I would move on' experience - and also I would like to start to plan to visit SA farm - will see... first let's have some amount and then I would be more 'free' to decide what to direct myself into and as...
-I am considering also to get this camera to be mine what would be a great begining towards to filming - but also it would cost a lot - but it is quite cheap - related to what it could do -- will see.

Writing obviously makes me stable - - or more precisely: by writing I am stabilizing myself - and I am opening myself and I am directing myself.
Interesting observation I had today - on mondays I am less tired/sleepy than on the other days -- somehow I am not 'used to working intensely' to get tired - yet as I am stopped drinking coffee since 2 months - it started to be the 21 days and I still did not wanted to drink - so some 'weak' teas I drink but those are not really boosting me - however I am able to work all day along...
Tomorrow I will test to not drink tea and will see about 'am I tired?'...

Also I would like to continue my screenplay - much are in quite stable shape within my head and I am aware that much time I would need to refine it on paper, the conversations, the situations and the entire flow of happenings, the storyline and the actor's beats, changes, challenges -- it is like describing something into reality.
This screenplay work would assist me in all ways - but then I have to do it regularly - as this blog - I want to write every day...some stories - some mementos as well...

self forgiveness on definitions etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to express myself because of hope and lack of self trust in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the lack of awareness of and as breath expression - shows that I am not here - I am not inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try living by excuses and justifications about why I am accepting myself as thinking - instead of acting immediately and not allowing myself to wheel up within myself with thoughts, emotions feelings.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not expressing out myself within every moment as who I am inside - I am compounding the tension/stress within myself - and then I am becoming an atombomb what is preparing to explode -- instead of expressing myself and releasing the ideas of how to perceive and act.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself somebody who can have everything or nothing - played out and controlled by extreme polarities - and limiting myself to these as I am black or I am white - instead of being aware of how I participate within such definitions and forgiving and releasing them - remaining inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself according to sex or according to the lack of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good to suppress sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to emotionally manipulate beings around me in order to have what I want - instead of being direct and trust self as moment as breath expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while I am reading - instead of realizing how I defined reading as thinking - and stopping it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am gonna be tired if I do something.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am going to be tired if I am thinking.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as I am 'moving into the mind' - I am becoming a programmed robot - as I am not here as the physical - but I am within and as this mind program and perceiving everything trough the lens of definitions, laws, regulations-- then I am not here, I am not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within desire - I am desiring after what is already here - so within the act of desire - the act of realizing how and why I separated myself from what I desire for. It can be girl, sex, object or any idea what I do not experience but I want to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go of the past - letting go who I was, who I defined myself to be here, and be the expression of moment as breath.

Distinguish between saying and acting

I explain how to distinguish between seeing and pretending and actual supporting self realisation -- according to words.

The key is self honesty. Without self honesty - it is pretending and nothing changes but then excuses will arise and self-deception manifests according to specific dishonesties.

I mean if I am saying that - I am already an unified man - if I am self honest, If I am able to be here - without compromise, without judgement, opinion, idea, definition - I am experiencing what is here as it is. And then I am able to see what must be done - regarding to the expression of 'I am already an unified man'. Because I precisely see what has to be released, removed entirely - to be this self-honest unified man --- yet I am this already - because I experience everything of me as me - but within my expression I see the dishonesty.

Without self-honesty:
-I do not see dishonesty directly as it is
-I do not express myself as the releasing of dishonesties - because of several type of excuses what can be derived to one: self-dishonesty - fear - self-definition.(for instance belief in ascension, or blaming others etc - or simply I am not seeing that my expression is dishonest because of of instance 'I have to survive', or 'I need some joy/entertainment' or 'love is real'-type bullshits)
-I use the words not as one as equal, but I use words as a shield - to protect me from myself and from others - to be able to remain within the world of self-definition...

With self-honesty:
-I am aware of the dishonesty, and I push myself right here to explore what it is - who I am - who I became - and what must be done - and acting immediately to express self as real change - as self forgiveness, as physical expression of who I really am as the unification of man.

--
This issue came up when I was speaking with Gy over the phone and she told me that I speak much things what I am not -- so it is practical to explore what she would ment on it or what this would imply on a person - regarding to personas.

write every day

It would be assisting to write every day - every single day - to support self stabilization and becoming aware of still accepting and allowing dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to write myself unconditionally as one as equal here as self expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I postpone the writing - then I postpone my expression - one and equal - and within this - I try to postpone myself - and this is simply self-dishonesty. I stop this.
I write - let's see - Am I capable of directing myself to write every single day?
dare dare dare dare dare