wawawawawawawa

wawawa i say wawawawawa
in ten city
walk as stalk

life cunt dare 2 count the blunt how money grunt
well, trunk that drunk, you skunk!

one or zero
I mean, how to embrace the two when all mean is here all ready as I am you as you are me, escapy ture sure mule male domIno hellbreazer tailless monkslayer identitywalker pain-terrogator surreal holegazer arrogant honeysmeller I-deal modmatrix reap-resent-at-I-on r-explainer wtf?

what fail=safety when nuke war no longer monger any more than well balanced is ten folds how I am not here or I am yes in deed hereby declare by my presence; hail you thief bastard nongamer downplayer sunkflyer

paint

Fascinating to see how this all works

I mean - if I do not express myself naturally as the moment: I am compounding and then I control myself to being directed by energy. Deliberatedly.
I have to be able to direct myself - about upcoming 'impulses'.
I mean - for instance I walk in the forest and something pops up - 'I want to write this thing down' - but I can't! - Because I am in the forest! Then I suppress it or what?
I mean it is common sense that why am I so stupid that in the forest I am willing to write? Did I go into the forest for the need to write down?
I can say - yes - this can be like 'being impulsed' to write - and then later on remember to what I wanted to write...
But in fact - that is not the same.

The point that I am not able to direct myself - ok, I will be directed by the environment - I won't write because I cant - so I won't write. So - I am accepting myself as being directed.
I am accepting that I can not direct myself to shut the fuck up inside of me with those impulses that I should write...
For instance I have the impulse to paint - since months...
I was like
-the thought came - and went instantly - apparently from nowhere to nowhere.
-then I said to someone that maybe I will paint
-and yesterday I found myself to go to store and rebuy colors and now everything for paint is here.

Will I paint?
I could say - I don't know but then can be trappy - everything I've managed in order to paint and then I do not paint?
or another point

am I directing myself to paint or am I being directed to paint?

The main focus was as I wrote in an email to guys that I want to explore how I would paint H.P. Lovecraft horrornovels dimensions with the technics of what I used previously for impressionism landscapes. Am I able to make these things being expressed by directing myself and be one and equal with the color and the brush and the paper?
In fact almost always I painted only when I smoked. I did not smoke since 2 years - and when I was wondered about why I do not paint - the point was that - I do not smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect smoking ganja or hash with painting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define painting without being smoked is boring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unable to being in a state when I can paint in a focus without smoking and then limiting myself to the ganja or hash.
I forgive myself that I lied to myself with the divertion of smoking and painting instead of realizing that I had doubt within myself and I used smoke to suppress and separate this self-dishonesty within myself to control my existence instead of taking self responsibility and realize the core-dishonesty within and as myself and applying self honesty and exploring practical solution to physically change.

breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I made myself to get used to stress/hold my jaw strongly when I am not here as natural breath self expression but within and as a past-based fear-programmed personality manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress my jaw when I am in a situation what I want to control,manipulate with resistance,fight - instead of realizing that I am not here as breath as inner silence but of an influence of past as self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I stress and hold my jaw - because I am so fucking busy with the tactic to try to fight against what is already here - that I am not aware of that as more I resist - the subject will remain more - as it is equal and one as me as what I express.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release my jawstress unconditionally within and as each breath here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the thought-emotion-feeling patterns what makes me resist/fight agains myself because of fear of facing myself and what I've accepted and allowed myself to became.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me here as breath expression as life as all as one as equal because I define self trust as based on memory instead of being here naturally by and as let go of all fear as the practical realization as I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after sex because I've defined sex as a possible way out from problem, as a method to make available the inner silence as breath expression and by that I limited myself into simply a desire after what is not here - after what is not real based on memory what is referring to something what is not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after sex for a possible release and solution for my sexual desire after woman and sex and energetic experience of sex and orgasm - instead of realizing the cause, the core and embracing and forgiving what I have accepted and allowed and by understanding the why - I am able to realize the how - about to stop - because it is common sense to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself unconditionally always here regardless to situation, to energy, to beings - as I am here - I am expression as breath as life as all as one as equal within oneness and equality.

By this statement - I am able to see what must be done - what must be released, must be corrected and embraced and stopped - entirelly - without judging or finding a starting point of 'why' - because it is not of the why, it is who I am here as all life.
It is not of an any why - about why I stop the inner dialogues -- I am inner silence - and when I am not - then I am not(here).

What is real? what is here - so if I am not - then I am not real - then I am of deception - what is conditional - so will vanish - in fact who I think to be - will vanish and the I remain as presence as life.

I forgive myself that I deceive myself by wanting to stop some dishonesties but still allowing myself to being directed and eventually not practically changing -- and proving to myself that myself I am not being directed as self as presence but the previously and actually here continously accepted self-definition based on dishonesty as fear as conformity,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being me as who I am - by judging myself according to norms or escalating possible outcomes of other being's responses after my expression -- and then by my desire to control/manipulate other's decision by self-interest---instead of being here directive as who I am and not driven by outside forces only self-directive principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself separated from what is outside of my human physical body.
I
I am here as breath as self directive principle as all as one as equal as life.