Monday, February 28, 2011


I placed myself into a time-trap.
I am timelooping all the time on not having enough time. WTF?

My second job is coming to it's end and this last project is taking many time but I decided to do this, I decided to finish it well, no matter how much I have to work for this, so it will be.
But the trick is that this would be a website what people will use, so it must be that stable and constant as accountable to get people's trust to actually go and pay through it for the museum.
Today I missed something in the database since months - it's like I am creating a code and I miss to see a part of it - when I am not equally and one considering myself as programming - there are certain points what I do not 'get' directly as I am not even aware of it, so I do not 'face' it by myself really - I do not really see it myself - so my partnership with S. is going to be assisting - but at first - I wanted to be alone again and again and again when I was with her. Last two weeks I was working on this point - and I was sneaking some but mostly I was able to push myself through this pretending when I was with her. Pretending means like to not be as who I am as I am alone - not really different as starting point as who I am within application. I wanted to be alone to play computer game, to watch movies, to do homework, to energize myself with impulses what I would not really do when I am not alone.
So this is cool - I was hell bored of this and it is cool that someone is telling me onto my face that 'tala, you are sneaking, tell me'.

And it takes time for both of us to stop reacting to the already self-accepted attraction games in which both of us still participate within the desire competition where people's attention is based on sexual desire. But it is happening. I simply decide to not play attraction games with women, for me its not that intense as for my partner, who is always telling me that men want to be with her, for me it's not like that as there are not too much women who tend to please me, but sometimes yes, so I have to walk through some temptations.
At office and restaurant there are many woman so every day I can see my point in actuality.

There are times when I do eye contact deliberately to have some 'fun' with woman - even when I do not want anything sexual in these moments really - just wanting to get some reaction from some people. It's not even about sexuality in that form - it can be anyone, somebody who I can have a 'contact'. It's like energy - what I defined based on my past.
But actually there are days when I walk among woman and I can actually see them - not as sex objects, walking fucking and teasing and entertaining opportunity - but actually beings in their process as myself.
How they hold their limbs, their sound, their expression, I can open myself and I experience them who they are and when issues I face within me - reactions, movements - I must see that this point is within me still not clear and walked through - or is the being's process I am experiencing.
Recently I noticed some dominant behavior within my expressions what I am curious about.
It's like sometimes I even do not wait for somebody's sentence to end, I speak for instance.
Also I noticed that to direct among people - first I get feedback of their attention then I express, like first wanting to be sure that my direction will be effective - but then I depend on them what is unacceptable.

Also I noticed some self forgiveness I spoke but not aloud, it was very thin sound and I accepted it, instead of correcting myself - because the clarity I can hear in myself, and when I almost swallow back the words - even when I am alone and I am not disturbing anyone for sure - then it is still an issue, and I feel like I am expressing my forgiveness weakly, so I must strengthen my expression to make sure that it is clearly expressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger instead of realizing of that I can release this anger and then I am here as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate others through words based on deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into temptation when other woman than my partner approaches me. Instead of realizing that we decided to agree on this point to do together and I decided to stand as this point, so I stop fall into temptation and I do not abuse my responsibility by playing innocent while accepting and allowing myself to be amused by other woman than my partner.

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