[JTL] Day 8 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART IV.

 In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

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I've defined my goal to get a magnificent and dream-tale-like beautiful woman and actually I am realizing to get it - it is possible - but then what the fuck about all my life which through I've defined myself as this 'fighting for my goal' - and when it's actually here then no more fighting but reached my self-defined "destination".

Destination as who I wanted to be but then what?

Then I continue from where I dropped myself to be undefined - a tiny kid - lol
and then no more goal but innocent self-exploration as the joy of simply I am myself as I am here
but that joy then I define myself with this experience of having me returning to innocence where innocence as not needing this nasty mind at all...

Because we are all know that being in the mind somewhere feels nasty really shitty really fucked up internal cage we rage within but we know that we do not get out as who we really are without the mind but within and as being able to represent ourselves within our so called society wherein really one can participate effectively when we are within and as the mind otherwise we can easily be an outcast, a disregarded or simply just literally destroyed by all others within and as the mind(as our human system does as us) so when I think and I am not totally obsessed with the topic as energetic storm within - then I feel this nastiness, what makes me feel a littlebit dirty even after a great orgasm experience when I was not myself as starting point without any knowledge, memory, picture, feeling, thought, emotion - this is really the red pill: Self-honesty.

From movie The Matrix wherein you once start to be honest with yourself - then within self-delusion
there is no more - real joy - what really means it never was but we perceived it to be.

And it is not about neglecting or disregarding joy - it is simply a decision walking really as not lieing to ourselves anymore and that means some self-dishonesty we start realize within our currently manifested creation as our individual physical life and our individual inner experiences and of course the currently manifested consequences within physical reality by our participation/actions.

Or to put it more simply - we start to realize our responsibility - and it's like I have a family(existence) who are starving(~a billion) and if I work I could have food but I am sitting here and drinking alcohol and feel better and shitty at the same time poisoned with this never-ending waving of positive and negative experiences - what are and how we perceive them as ourselves - not real and how the physical world IS reality.

and re-defining joy what is best for all
and re-defining life what is best for all
and re-defining ourselves as what is best for all

It is like in one breath I realize I am in a maze from reality and there is only one compass and that is self-honesty - and everything is based upon this - how self-honest I can be - that's it, all other of me are really irrelevant, whoever or whatever I was or will be - but if this fails, everything fails as me - but if I dare to be Self-honest with and as myself in all moments, then I can be sure that I am me who I really am - otherwise if I allow any dishonesty within myself, towards anything - then by that and as that I am of and as this consciousness system within what I am in a relationship and in fact limited by and as this relationship as who I've manifested myself to become within and as this physical reality.

Self-responsibility to get and realize our location - what is realizing our self-here-awareness within and as mind consciousness system, what we currently accepted and allowed ourselves to became.
And that location is simply manifested ourselves as our human physical body within and as who we are within and as this physical reality within equality and oneness.

And that is our location and when we fall into and as the mind, we stand up and re-aligning ourselves with and as principle as physical location and act within and as Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to inner experiences and disregarding physical reality what is the most stable manifestation of ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to goal and purpose and without that defining myself as innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as innocence meanwhile having reasons and excuses and justifications of currently why and how and based on what circumstance I am not innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being who I am simply without any character and realizing that I had the fear that without playing roles and acting characters of and as the mind I can not have a partner who I've defined to be as my 'goal' and 'purpose'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed the excuse that I need to be screwed up in order to have these energetic experiences within and as me what I've defined as then 'I am alive through these energetic movements' - what is simply self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined goals in my life what if I react or fullfil - I can be innocent and myself again but until that I am wearing this self-definition of and as the mind to get what I want within and as the mind within and as the human consciousness system wherein all are interconnected and interactive as Mind Consciousness Systems.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I've defined worth and value of women according to how I've defined outer beauty of a human according to the judgments and associations I've allowed myself to be defined through and as thoughts, feelings, emotions - with what I've idolized and totemized women as goal, as a tool for power, as what I deserve according to who I've defined myself to be since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider physical equality within human interaction according to principle of 'what is best for all' - by always striving for fulfilling my wants and needs and desires what are constantly popping up within and as my mind showing to myself equal and one with what I've accepted and allowed myself to identify myself according to starting point as fear of 'remaining alone, powerless' as self-definition and self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've made up a maze within and as my head by defining goals to reach and until that goal I can not define as 'fulfilled' - I am defined by and as this seek for this goal and by and as this definition I am limited by my own self-definition what is according to the 'feeling of lack of ...' what I've defined that it is me but manifested as somebody else and without that I've defined myself to be flawed, hollow and as 'something is missing' - meanwhile what is really missing is to experience myself here as who I am as Self-honesty within action.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined woman's pussy as my ultimate goal with what I can rejuvenate and rebirth myself as this energetic experience being me within this internal and self-defined relationship with pussy and the being who has the pussy but firstly defined the whole relationship according to pussy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman's genital and not realizing that by and as this definition I've limited myself and by that limitation I've manifested frustration within and as myself instead of realizing that everything what I experience as separated from me and I construct desire after it - is based on a self-dishonesty what was the starting point as already existing relationship within and as myself and the subject with what I've defined myself to be through and as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've become obsessed with the pussy instead of realizing that the starting point of being obsessed with pussy was the energetic experience what I can have with it by my inner reactions and by the physical participation within sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard physical reality and within all beings by defining my experiences as more valid and real and interesting than reality what I am sharing with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my inner experiences regarding to pussy and sex and inner energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the 'intensity' of energetic experiences within and defining myself as one is striving for compounding energetic experiences within and by and as that energy movement within and as me - I've defined myself who I am as this continuous interaction within mind-relationships according to associations and memories and emotions and the positive and negative polarities within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic movements being experienced by and as participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions and defining myself who I am according to the outer circumstances by and as I am having these energetic movements within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that specifically I've defined beauty as something what is physically separated from me and wanting to experience this beauty I've defined it according to and through and as women - and by that defining my experience of beauty according to women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the lack of energy for not experiencing woman and beauty as myself and by that defining myself as goal and purpose as becoming the person being able to have access to this beauty directly, physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being worthless and nobody when not being able to experience this fulfillment within and as the mind as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to relationships within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from beauty by definitions, I can only experience beauty through and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've accepted and allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to the mind to be able to interact with all other minds existing within this world because directly without the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, energetic experiences - when I was kid, I was unable to directly experience because of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed fear to be the starting point in my life to build up who I perceived myself to be, and not realizing that this fear is always here as I've defined myself and who I am and who I've became according to all definitions, within what the fear is still accepted and allowed as starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've lost patience for getting what I want directly, therefore I've manifested this system within me what with I can perceive that I am skipping my own self-responsibility for what I am and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the existing fear within and as me is already of and as the mind what with I've started to explore this world as I've beeing taught so by those who I've trusted more I've trusted myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the inner energetic experiences within me are related to the world system of money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself inferior towards to this physical existence as I've perceived it as much-much-much bigger and greater and stronger than me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that feeling smaller and tiny regarding to physical existence is because of knowledge or self-defined lack-of knowledge of what is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information and knowledge as value instead of realizing that physical reality is existing here regardless of information and knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the ability and experience of thinking, feeling, having emotions - what are not lasting experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all what I've defined myself to strive for as woman, money, fame, power - are of and as information and knowledge about who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I've defined myself according to experience of lack of experience of something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as nasty, dirty as the mind when I am not absolutely Self-honest as these energetic experiences I am experiencing within and as my human physical body.

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I commit myself to stop all relationships within and as my mind with and by I've defined myself to be and to be only.

I commit myself to develop a constant and consistent presence within I can exist without energy, without any definition.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed and stop being obsessed with wanting to define myself not being obsessed with pussy.

I commit myself to share and show how exactly we fucked up ourselves with and as the mind by using it as a tool for hiding and avoiding to face ourselves from Self-honesty and Self-responsibility.

I commit myself to walk here as the physical and let go all what I've defined as I lack of.

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to beauty and stop defining myself to not being beauty and then needing to have somebody who I can define as myself as beauty.

I commit myself to slow down and breath and see the mind and when it moves, to absolutely stop and let it go and re-aligning myself with and as the physical reality.

When and as I experience fear - I stop, I breathe, I realize I am self-defined according to previously self-accepted definitions - what are of and as self-dishonesty, what is my self-responsibility, what I simply STOP and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to self-dishonesty.

When and as I give up who I am, when and as I change myself or pretending myself to be not as who I am to get what I want, especially woman, woman's attention, woman's body, woman's pussy - I stop, I realize I experienced myself as starting point as fear and the whole self-automated thing is for not needing to experience this fear as self-dishonesty.

When and as I realize I am not absolutely self-honest - I realize I will always have friction and conflict within me until I do not dare to explore what means to remain absolute self-honest in all moments breath by breath.


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So I am going to continue with my real time events since childhood according to women and how specifically I was responsible and self-dishonest by walking through my first relationships with women and how I've defined myself to be according to that and how my origin point as fear and self-dishonesty was suppressed by and as these intensified experiences and forgiving myself for the specific self-dishonesties what I came up with and resonantly still being responsible for as being influenced by.

Relationship Success Support @ EQAFE

[JTL] Day 7 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART III

[In the last posts, I was writing about how I've became addicted to pleasing woman and without woman how I compromise my wholeness by definition -  now digging deeper how I've defined myself to be from childhood according to this and taking responsibility and walking back to Earth from Mind. Because others might not see within what I am self-dishonest about, but I can see within writing and then no more excuse but to walk the process until I am here undefined constantly]

Check out the Journey to Life blogs:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.

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So when I was kid, I was thin, white and others judged me as weak, ugly and I've defined myself according to that.
I've noticed that some other guys are developing huge muscles on their bodies and becoming very strong physically - meanwhile myself not - and also seeing that women tend to be attracted to muscular guys - who I was not.
My body was always here to transform it to be more athletic and muscular but at very early stage of my life I've realized that I can think smarter and faster than most of the other kids around me, so I've been occupying myself with thinking to not needing to realize that meanwhile others define physical body and outfit as more important, I've defined inner experiences more than the human physical body.

Somehow as being a kid, already I've decided many points within my future how it will lay out as I grow up, for instance there was a self-definition point like: I will have one of the most beautiful women because that I need and that would fit to who I am.

Also I realized that within my physical expression I was like a beetle, not even being able to speak aloud properly, because I never really had the strength - in fact the will and motivation - to stand out and get what I want, rather than I was fantasizing, I was thinking and basically daydreaming about women and power - and it was 'cool' because I was by myself within apparently and noone could directly influence that within me, so by that inner reaction system I've defined myself to be - because as I stepped among other humans, I was unable to direct myself as I wanted to - because I was reacting to so many things what I've defined within automatically - being lost in the experience among others and then going alone and being shameful how I did not do what I wanted was the program for many years.

Also this money point was very prominent as my family had not much, we were doing tricks in the system to get some stuff for 'free' for instance scavenging cornfields and I saw that my family members became system survivors, what I wanted to avoid, and in that time in basic school, if I did think or do the math faster than others, then the teachers loved me, they were exceptionizing with me and for me it was very easy, as I was doing this intense thinking and being logical all the time anyways, so I got rewarded from school and also my mother loved me apparently more when I took home better scores and she also said that if I do not want to end up in factory standing line work all week like her, I should finish schools and get a degree to have a 'dreamjob'.

And programming computers was always easy for me because the same way I've programmed myelf according to circumstances and I extensively enjoyed that there is no much emotional side effect as I had with other humans - and then what I did with computers, then other humans appreciated it - more like they did when I was doing 'being social' directly only.

And somehow woman was the point wherein all my mind just melted down and became very excited and unpredictable as I defined experience with woman more than being myself self-directive here.

And the whole thing was about skipping and disregarding the physical reality.
Because within reality, I felt myself like this wobbling, unsure, weak boy meanwhile inside I felt like I am invincible and very clear about my desires and dreams.
But the physical reality to not really 'get in' into my inner reality - I had to constantly be occupied with thoughts, feelings, emotions - what was after a time always too much, so I had to let it go, I had to learn techniques to not be scared shitless from facing reality, so I've intensified inner experiences simply repeating them, like thinking the same thought-thread again and again and again, literally becoming obsessed and possessed by and as myself.

I was also afraid to become like my elder family members who seemed to be quite lost in surviving versus entertainment - however this constant need for entertainment stimulation is still defining and moving me since - also the surviving personality sometimes if I am not aware of - I am re-living physically, when the fear kicks in of 'if I do not fight for my life, I might be pushed down'

It's like if I work hard, I expect entertainment and joy automatically, like a reward, and it is no matter that the reward is of and as reality or it is just perception, like later on for instance "taking" a mushroom trip to other dimensions meanwhile I could not pay the bills.

Also regarding to women the point of emotions is very important as who I've defined myself as somebody who do not need emotions, those are just of weakness, and if even I had emotional reaction, I've developed an ability to immediately suppress upcoming emotions in a microsecond, so it was like a silent shout for a moment and then I am clear again, suppressed, diverted the whole energetic reaction deep down into my human physical body.
What I did not realize that the body is for storing information and programmes also and by suppressing emotions basically I was building up and growing my suppressed part of me - what was always also here to influence me as subconscious, unconscious mind, meanwhile within my conscious mind I was constantly busy to think and think and generate energy by thinking and by that energy, thinking more, and when it was like waving energies within, what would transform into emotions, then I just suppressed them again and pretending to be 'clear'.

And also I've defined women according to emotions while judging them and in fact having an inner reaction as fear from becoming tainted with this emotion if I would be with woman and being influenced and reacted to.
In a way, it is quite an energetic rush - and I've defined energetic intensity as great, because when it is great, it is washing me from physical presence into and as this self-generated experience - and by and as it, (and later on the memories and feelings to it) I was not this 'screwup' who I've defined myself to be within the physical.

So then I was dependent on women to define myself great.
But until 18 I was unable to face women because I was already introduced to porn and masturbation and after a while, by self-definition - in the presence of a woman who I've defined attractive(according to previous judgments), I've become extremely aroused and excited what I judged as shameful and I had always the huge fear that if I look into the eye of a woman, she might see that I am so attracted to that I almost fall apart, so I had this red color on my face when looking to a woman and feeling very inhibited because wanting to stop being exposed of how much I am being stimulated.

That changed only at university, when my will-be-partner started to make me drink shots to be able to speak with me - so by that energetic experience I started to let go inhibition and allowing myself to speak directly with woman.
So then I turned to alcohol, my father was already gone because he abused himself with alcohol too much, so it was always two-bladed - one inhibition-desire fear-change and also my mother always was worried that I would become like my father, abused and eventually destroyed by alcohol.
But it had price, my stomach could not handle it so I had problems and then after university I've been introduced to smoking marijuana what was very-very interesting how effected my mind, so I started to do that, meanwhile my current 'marriage' did not really work, we did not live together, we started to be different, wanting different things, so then we split, and then I started to head on psychedelics, to boost experience more and more within me to the outmost degree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am still reacting to experiences and events what are long gone and I am not even aware of these in the moment when I react for instance shouting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my family values as surviving and cheating within the system at all cost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself about who i am according to my shape of my human physical body as being white and thin as undesirable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from letting go of all pre-programming and standing 'naked' so to speak in the moment, every moment always here with no stepping back ever but pushing self here breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to other's judgments regarding to my body as weak and ugly because they shouted at me many times I've reacted to and I've defined myself according to this and limited myself by remembering to it at occasions automatically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by thinking I can manipulate the physical world around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to be powerful without woman as self-presence as power that I was searching for and for get the woman who I wanted I had to develop certain type of self-presence characters anyway to stimulate them with my energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I intensify inner experiences until I do not experience anything else, that not means actually I am escaping from reality and consequences, I only procrastinate facing myself by not considering the physical in every moment equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define computers as more preferable and more 'direct-able' than humans because with computers I do not have emotional interference and not realizing that in fact this emotional interference is accepting my self-dishonesty within me regarding to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being natural and myself with woman because fearing they might see within me how much I can be aroused by her but in fact by my judgments about her and my reactions to my judgments based on past judgments what are not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I objectified and subjectified women within and as my self-definition system to be value and some sort of property by with I can have an apparent power and value so by that I would be able to develop real power and value.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined woman's power as how much sexual pleasure I can make with her and how much she would like to be exhibicionist in terms of being actor on camera.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to being aroused to picture and sound presentations of woman, especially woman who is enjoying sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my purpose is to do as much sex as possible to work with these enormous energies and learn them to use and play with - instead of realizing that this is one aspect of me only, what must be equalized with all parts of my life instead of being obsessed with parts of me time to time based on reactions to circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define woman according to how I judge her face as beautiful and regarding to that by even looking at generating a feeling of energetic pleasure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mesmerized by a woman's face regardless of what she is doing and saying by defining her according to the picture what I've predefined within me so I unconditionally judge her as mesmerizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being stopped being mesmerized from time to time by woman's face who I can define as mesmerizingly beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of practically seeing how and what I really want regarding to woman and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a woman who I can stimulate myself with anytime I want with this mesmerizing beauty-ness, even by disregarding her who she is in physical but only regarding the picture.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness according to beautiful woman, being with beautiful woman and especially when self-defined as 'beautiful' woman is paying attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that wanting woman paying attention to me is coming from when I was a little kid and wanting my mother to pay attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to how much I can disregard my human physical body by thinking and feeling and being emotional about something.

..to be continued with self-forgiveness within specificity and self-correction statements.

[JTL] Day 6 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART II

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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

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Continuing my last post about how I've limited my starting point to be with women

[I will continue with walking through wanting to be self-defined as energetic addiction from restraining my impulses about physical reality and projecting out that women need me, and in fact/indeed women to be needed by me lol]

Definitely the woman-pleaser personality must be dealt before engaging into an other agreement. One can ask what problems could arise from pleasing my partner as much as I can - well, it is simply energy - if I do it for a reason, I am the slave of that reason.

As if I have a belief why I should do it, then I accept myself as religous, be-lie-wing that is what I am, what I should do based on my original imprints regarding to women, what I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be and then physically acting that out according to outer circumstances.

Because in the moment I stop pleasing, the experience is gone.

It is my drug - pleasing woman because then I am getting high with her - because defining myself being high according to my partner, simply defining myself according to my partner's current mind-state - and if it is not what I've defined as joy, as this almost like 'pure' mind-energy what is re- and re-occuring within and as myself as a self-created experience.
And by that high, being able to please more and wheeling the whole thing to the point wherein experience and reaction to experience washes everything away and then that is our happiness.

But if my partner is not like that, she might be confused, and fall apart because when this drug is in effect within her, the she is high, and when not, then she is down.

And then my partner is being conditioned to my pleasing so she will need me, so then I will be able to continue pleasing my partner and experiencing my partner being pleased, I am also pleased.

That's why I went into drugs, to substitute this energetic high, and when with my partner(s)(ex) I was unable this energetic workout to maintain, who I've defined myself to be according to energy and experience, so then I was able to sense reality what is not a very pretty picture and becoming high from that for me is not possible, so I fell into the temptation of energetic manipulation through substances.

Because for not get reality into my head requires TONS of mind-energy to bubble and divert myself from what is really, physically here.

Because when I was kid, I just could not handle reality, many abuse I witnessed in my family; in the world, I was scared shitless for entering the current human world system as I had no REAL EDUCATION back there to realize the basic principles of Equality and Oneness within and as everything and how we are missing life directly here when we go into fool-love-ing thoughts and feelings and emotions, what do not last but of and as external and internal conditions and defining myself to be according to these conditions, circumstances and eventually becoming the slave of my own beliefs and I was not aware of the Desteni tools as Self honesty, Self forgiveness, Self corrective statements to stop participate within self-beliefs, about how I create energetic entities within and as my head, about love is this experience of being high for instance, what is of and as Self-dishonesty, fear.

So I've made up things as everyone else did so around me and then I got used to that and then decades passed like that and then I am here responsible for who I've accepted myself to physically become.

And pleasing is NOT 'bad' - but who we are as starting point has consequence, this time for me within sexual relationships for totemizing energetic high mind-states - instead of equal physical support and care, considering all participants for long-term and considering all as equals physically, practically.

In the next post, I dig deeper for why I've created this character of me to live me instead of me being directly always here.