When I played with my ex-wife's kid he wanted to me to read up from a kidbook - and the kidbook was simply silly - was about animal stories and about a maroon figure couple who went into an argue about would be red or blue should be the adornment on their christmas tree - so they made 2 christmas tree and was about this and I just experienced a little turmoil - wtf is this separation implantation - and I catched this and I just simply missed to read up some parts and I realised that I am free expression, I am not slave of that scriptbook lol
And my ex was in panties and she worried about what his actual husband will think when he arrives and she is in pants and was cool, and some moments I saw that I still judge her ass as good, especially when touched lol.
I was like experienced that I was sweting blood to birth out this sexual system core and I started to stop judge, stop even to define, to be able to stop inhibitions to dangle my inner nature by facing. See: I wanted to see how big is this - as I realised that is actually not the most effective way to just simply stop at this moment when any refractional movement occurs(I move according to the accepted and allowed refraction - CONsciously) - ok it is possible but needs 100% awareness in every moment- to stop refractional movements by seeing and I know that I am capable of this and actually there is no other way - but I see within me that when I am doing this - I stop everything else - as now I stop and then I can stop literally - look this in self honesty: separation.
As I developed out a machine like expressional rocket-bomb way to move myself - but really by preprogramming the script and when the script ends I simply still at the moment (or on the sky and fall) and I am here with the systems within me as me - actually I am facing with the specificity and the self-will.
Bla bla bla bla vhat sky I want to reach when I am here?
So I at least realised what was my dishonesty in my sexual system - was totally picture based, and I knew that something is crampy, but I had to see it in experience to be able to see - and was bisarre for some moments - as I literally tried to jump into the biggest matrix-mess - but I realised that is also refractional judgement - personality relationship with my own memory.
Recently when I move and I will to move me as self and I want to move and I move me - then it happens: I MOVE. And I do not judge - I still judge sometimes when I do not move, instead of embrace and see the core of the hesitation, delete, self-forgiveness and move.
Why? I understand literally what could mean to stand up as breath as moment, that would like the scratching out myself from my own grave. And I simply use my head to operate - and that is just like when the dog chases his/her tail - and I realise and I HAD ENOUGH and I move and I say self forgiveness and I hear my sound and I am that sound and I am here as self expression that I am correcting myself trough and as my sound and my act and I just do.
And I wanted to find women to face with my sexual desire, but in fact I am here, and if I do not see it within myself alone, then why would be easier to explore with someone other(especially with someone who does not have any idea about birthing life process, self-forgiveness)?
I saw again and again the Winged: Exploring self-intimacy videos, sometimes I just still experience that I click and I watch and listen and sometimes I do say the words - and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to hide in myself that I have not allowed myself to be intimate with myself.
Because it explains all - I have formed relationship with illusions. And I want to catch it again, and when disappears - I am here with myself as myself.
And I started to find out what is reality, especially after 2002, because of this - to be able to see what is real what is illusion. And now I came to the understanding that everything what is actually here around me is just merely an illusion - what I manifested due to the accepted and allowed and maintained separational judgement - as a judgement towards myself -- instead of being intimate with myself - as myself in every single moment to actually experience what is here.
And this is merely about the pictures - pictures what I see, pictures what I think, pictures what I define, pictures what I use as an experienced reality.
Theese pictures are separated from me - apparently. And now I understand that theese pictures are me - and as I bring all to here - to remain here as the inner silence without actually using ANY picture - then I am here. I am here and not as the picture, not of the picture, but all.
Too much blabla again - I do not allow anything less then who I am..
I still can push backwards the breath as me and just sit here and listen music and write from my head - ok my body is typing, but as I am not experience actually the breath - I am not here.
I am just scripted myself to be able to not needing to be aware - because I definied enjoymet as not needing to be here - because I was dishonest - I was fearful to be here and experience the consequences in this world as a kid, and I found out ways to not needing to be awareness here, to still be able to define joy. And that last so long. Only for seconds. And I was doomed to rescript myself again to be able to run again this puppet-presence and defining it as enjoyment - that I apparently direct(literally that how I want to experience that I not directing myself, the world, the situation) - - so snacky...
And because I separated myself from entities - and with those entities I formed the peridical relationship - words as little programs: all, one by one has been prepared with other words as little systems what are directed me - - words as joy, entertainment, happiness, peace, beauty, silence, oneness -- those are like keys in the database what can start the programs - -
and while those programs run - nothing to do -- but after the script program reached it's end - I get back the "cursor/prompt/control" -- like the round-based strategy games -- I move, then the computer moves, and after me again, and this goes on...
Ok I forgive some points what I can now understand more..
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge childbooks, because for a moment I experienced me as I have to read up aloud that text who I am not... instead of realising what have accepted and allowed in this world and be one and equal and move me accordingly to express that who I really am, not of this world, but as life as all as equal.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that would be cool to resex with my ex - no T(i)R(y)s-ex is not necessary.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form relationship with pictures within my mind to define this reality and to define who I am in this reality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge picture presentation of woman just according my own accepted picture-based desire-relationship mind-program.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I move.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to care about other people when I express myself - or to care about people instead of I express myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not normal.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not remain here as the breath in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted the definition that I am not able to be aware of my breath as moving in this world. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, before to even experience this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desired to program myself to be able to rest as my onw self-definied entertainment, joy - what are implanted picture-based memories - formed relationships with feelings, emotions - what are thought-based.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in thin-king.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define breath here as my presence as intense.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to facing real woman body - not really fear is this, but an excuse - I do not fear really - I was really scary guy, but one day I realised that I push trough myself to face with the fear and then I am able to bear that.
And now I am able to face with any big fear - of course what is not the law of real stupidity - for example licking pure Uran lol...
So the fact is that I am facing with my accepted nature - what is my own accepted barrier - so I am facing and see the core, why I needed this, and I push trough and I correct my expression - I correct my movement, actually I move me and express oneness and equality.
I am finding practical ways to remain always here. No matter what - but the inner silence as the presence without judgement, without needing any thought - without being intimate with myself to actually experience me as movement - and when I move, as I move - as I express, as I experience me as expression as words, as acts - I do not have to think - I do not have to feel - because I am here as expression.
And this expression is the ONE universal SOUND expression what I am one and equal with and within equally as all LIFE HERE.
This is what the portal express - this is what the people express about standing up, this is who I am, and this is what I share unconditionally.
Nothing much more to add here, only that I am responsible, I am response able, I am the solution.
Script myself to descript my accepted scripts to be able to stand as life naked as the silent sound movement as one as equal.
Face with woman, find practical ways to be able to really stand in this system as life.
Why facing with woman - because I resist - I judged to be with woman as matrix-life, as ordinary system-slave life - because all do this and all define themselves by it as it - and I judged this, because I desired it - as I never was normal. I was never able to do this for long time.
And because I am seeked the truth, I seeked real power, I seeked myself.
And I wanted to be powerful, I wanted to KNOW, I wanted to understand, I wanted to EXPERIENCE everything - I was so greedy - I wanted literally all - and it is so twisted - because I am here, and all is here - and I can be all - as one as equal - practically in and as every single moment - because I had to realise, this is who I really am - I am everything.
To stand within and not even loss a breath - to trust me, to embrace me as all - as to be able to stand one and equal with the mind - and DIRECT. To direct to STOP. To birth life from this phisical existence - children, etc.