Push

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate within applying self forgiveness in the moment because of I have allowed myself to being directed - instead of stopping immediately, breath and express myself accordingly to be absolute self honest to stop participating within thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define complexity as more divine than simplicity because I have allowed myself to judge myself according to my dishonesty and trying to hide within complexity - based on my self definition related to what others should perceive about me and seeing other's limits, and stepping one step further, basically as a system works - and if I tend to be complex - then I can define myself as unpredictable, and then I could have more freedom by others would tend to define me as unpredictable but in fact this is separation, this is limitation based on self-doubt, fear from facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be unpredictable, because of the fear that then others would see who I am here and then they may reflect back to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to express - and then this facing would mean realization and it would mean change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word change as unpredictable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to predict my world to be able to plan to operate in a way what is stable, safe, smooth, easy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enhance deining according to being able to notice small particles within the system and operate as a robot and always using this defining system to predict the optimal next step, not realizing that this is the very manifested limitation of myself based on my manifested fear as trying to keep everything on a perceived illusionaric view what is not here but only within my mind as memory, as thoughts, as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge beings according to how they can operate as a predictional algorythm and judging them by perceiving their defining/predicting systematic behaviour and then controling and manipulating them according to my definiions, my limitations, what are the inprintings of my fear, of my dishonesty - so basically in every single moment I am facing with my manifested fear and dishonesty until I stop defining, stop thinking, stop escaping, stop fighting, totally, absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being controlled, not realizing that because I have accepted and allowed myself to become controllable trough my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate beings according to my definitions what self-dishonesties I can see within themselves as fear and manipulating their fear to manipulate them to react - instead of realizing that they are me as one as equal and I am showing myself my accepted and allowed nature of manipulation because of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others within my mind, instead of realizing that this is only a perception based on participatin within the expression of separation - and I manifested myself as separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become separation and trying to separate myself from my separation and separating myself from separation instead of realizing that I am fearing to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from stoping by keep defining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others because then I would have the perception or reflection that I can change others and then being able to define that I am able to change others than I should be able to change me - instead of changing my application here as moment breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my experiences instead of trusting me here unconditionally -and not separating myself from trust as experience as here as me as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to fear from facing with woman and sex because I have separated myself from woman and sex because I am dishonest as I have relationship with my memory and I define woman and sex related to my memory and fear of facing because of the knowledge and memory of possession. Possible possession.
Basically trying to making impossible to face with a possible possession. LOL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to woman as relationship as an escape from myself here and then trying to escape from facing this fact - I defined that I avoid women to not allow for them to become addicted to me as a mind object, in relationship as dishonesty - but in fact this is me, I have projected this out and then manifested by manipulating women to become addicted to me to prove that this is a reason to act like that and hide my dishonesty and cover my fear from become addicted. Hm first time I could write this, in the last days I started to open this within me and this is kind a push.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define push instead of being pushing myself here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the polarity by giving up some relationship with specific self-definitions by manipulating myself by other self-definitions instead of stopping everything within and as me here unconditionally as trusting me as inner silence as breath as self-expression as self-directive principle.

Self forgiveness on self-interest

At the moment what reveals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become interested in a woman to become obsessed with one being to exclude all others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live as the living expression as principle as all as one as equal as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire someone only to have sex to release the emotional suppressed self-shit for a moment to not change but looping it over and over and over again - instead or realizing that to stop generate this emotions trough thoughts is the common sense and the shortest way, always here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I build up desire for a woman - it is based on sexual desire what is based on preprogrammed reactions to pictures.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my interest in a woman is only related to my sexual desire what is related to the release of compounded suppressions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I released this emotional shit with orgasm with the girl, instanteniously I want to go away because only this what I wanted and this is quite a self-interest stuff.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this within me to start to desire women who I judged as extremely attractive/beautiful to simply being able to judge them right after the orgasm to form a bind very soon to not facing with this accepted and allowed nature of myself - but this is also a point of self-interest, based on perceived pictures are compared from my memory what is well preprogrammed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obey to my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts have right.

Ssssssssssssssssssss

I enjoy to make a videoclip - the topic is shit but I direct the shit as me as one as equal: war. After finishing this clip, I will continue to translate the Structural Resonance articles, at this moment I am sure that I will be more effective than before - and this will assist me to stabilize with a deeper understanding of the material - and trough this supporting the process here.

This is a diary shit like post lol - scripting up or avoiding forgetfulness or simply express myself as writing instead of supressing.

Stopping interesting topic - as I gathered many possibilites of interests as busyness to do - but these are not excuses to not stop?

Probably I was afraid of not being able to express myself and I started to manifest multiple threads and here I am - many possibilites what I wanted to do - kind of desire to express myself on these ways - and here I stop the desire, because the very manifested desire of my personality what looks like an obsticle to simply let myself to express.

I have the programmable robot kit, what I've managed to get - this is what I really enjoy to do, and I will - this stuff was since of childhood - I realized that I focused too much on computer shit, and I wanted to 'return back to 3D' - and this kind of stuff I did before when I was a kid, but this is more specific...
So I have the stuffz, I want to manifest something and I will do it and that's all.

Also I have the best/newest video animator/editor softwares to work with and I enjoy this, because these are very good fun - so I do the clip suffs, and this prepares me for the forthcoming projects such as movies and etc.

Music stuff, I finally bought a cheap mic, and only what needs is a soundcard with a preamp to be able to link it to the computer, and in couple of weeks I will manage this - and I will start to record the jewsharp stuff and I will play with my sound as well, and I will see how I can play with the desteni jam-o.
Also Lacko will come or his girlfriend and they will rap up the lyrics for our project. In related to this, I have to figure out how I can easily boost up the sound quality of the tracks what he wrote in Reason, because these are cool tracks but the quality of the sound is kind of crap. And I trust myself and that's it.
Also I am really close to start to make my own music and it's interesting because I sense inside of me the need of doing this but something still holds me and I will explore this in writing more because this is cool to let go all judgement and express myself as breath as making music and sound compositions.

Writing, not only blog, but little stories, and related to my experiences to build up small fragments of screenplays, characters, beats.

Also programming I can enjoy, I see it when I built the SR app, I experienced as joy to do that - I was aware what and how I want to make it done and I did it.

So I will explore more the flex stuff, some more app I will make...

These are kind of busyness what I am doing at these days - and oh yes playing - I enjoy to click games and more and more times I am transforming this expression as breath - I started to make a big post on why and how I use strategy game as self-forgiveness to be aware what I have accepted and allowed myself here and forgiving specific points to prepare myself to change.

What I enjoy that I allow myself to figure out what I could manifest and then selecting one and not releasing it until it's done - and specificly push myself to do it and finish what I start - but ensuring that to begin only what I really want - and then doing doing and not allowing to give up - and then it's done and going to the next stuff.

So this clip I will continue and then I will translate some more chapters in the SR to hungarian.

Also I was like I was not participated within sexual desires for one month like not using pictures and not even desiring to have sex and interesting that after 3 weeeks I started to think that I did it, and I started to judge my 'pause' what was like to stop habit - and finally I was browsing around the net and I clicked to one link and then some sex stuff started and I clicked around for a while until I was kind of aroused and then I stopped and went to sleep and what I enjoyed to not judge myself that I 'fall into' - but simply saying self forgiveness and remain in moment - and in the morning it came up again and even I had some physical manifested pain down there and I had to realize the stupidity of my stubborn program of behaviour and then realizing that this whole shit is not necessary so not let myself to do this again. Looks like small steps what I am quite of aware but the programs what are kind of 'in my nerves' so to say are still automatically making steps within my expression - for instance an ex-girlfriend of the guy who I lived with - and she called me about 'what's up' and then I associated to her as a possible sexual 'target' because I know that she's kind of 'hungry of sex' and even she showed this up many times and I directed me to avoid this but some shit looks like I supressed and came up as an association as her as my definition as separation,

This small step probably helped to manifest to that one click when I automatically decided to click in the moment - refractionally I am one and equal what I have accepted and allowed - or for instance the thoughts of
'At the company the receptionist girl is really nice, and the receptionist girls are here for handling them as cute and playing this male-female role shit, and then letting this go in head but in fact when she walked by I turned after her and smiled on me how I watched her body - instead of leting go of desire after experiencing my totality because this very act of participation of this desire causes me to not actually experience myself here and makes me intend to move after pictures.
This is what I can forgive simply here:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that also the small steps are me one and equal, and small steps make big steps and every moment looks like as a small step, but in fact all moments are one and equal who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to specific girls as possible sexual target for instance to play with the idea in my mind to fuck or lick or even kiss or stuff like this - instead of realizing that I do not want this really, but the sexual desire is compounded and leaking out trough thoughts what manifest events such as she is approaching me and kind of temptating me - instead of realizing that I temptate me by allowing myself to program myself trough mind-memory-pictures.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have not transcended desire just because for 3 weeks I did not participated in sex at all - only I suppressed it - and this happened many times and this actually wont solve anything only I play around the bush instead of directing me to physically change.

Also I judged sex separatedly from me as trying to seal as a demon instead of realizing that this is me also - and fondle it with fears and making it complicated - but in fact when I am here and breath and trust me and being able to honest with myself and letting go in the moment what is not here - then the mind has no chance.

I was like I desired to not have sex desire because I had memory how whole I experienced myself when I had no desire - so this what I wanted - but instead of letting go desires - I added one more desire to not have desire and this was a big fuckup. And then fighting against it - fighting against me - first of all trying to see it differently by projecting different shit 'out there' - and by the responses building up who I should be and then who I am - and the continous difference what I experience from this perceived/desired me and the actual experience made this KRrrrrrwkkkk wanting to tear apart my head when it was too much...

The tree of life of Talamon is really assisting me - very specificly built up interview word by word - I am greatful of me as life assiting and supporting me to birthing myself from the physical.

And one more before I go sleep that I became aware what Sunette mentioned around a year ago on chat that what I realized already, is because I express self-honesty as writing - and nothing I can be greatful really or thankful but myself - and this not means nothing special really but I am self trust here. Because I have proven myself many times and I will prove it as more as I will to manifest absolute self trust as breath as life - because this is what I am aware that myself I can trust infinitely.
And many stuff I even have not words for it - as I suppressed - but as I let myself to express as writing - I am bringing forth and actually understanding myself how and where I am responsible for this self-trust - or the lack of self-trust and then how I can stop the doubt once and for all.
This is not like proudness but more likely the expression of life - that here I stand up and this is who I am, I am here.
I do not say that I stood up as life already but I do not give up until it's done because this is who I am - breath of life as the living words - I am here.

Stop

Interesting that stopping me is more simple and obvious than stopping thoughts - as when I intent to stop thoughts - it is effective conditionally - but it begins and ends so it is not real - and if I really stop - everything of me stops and I can explore who I am - and what does not stops when I do stop - that is not me?

And if I locate the end of me in the moment; is that already manifested or it is manifesting trough participating in it's essence of a single point of as experienced separation from me? - So in fact this is insane how the mind is whole wherever I move - it's always shells around me - it's me! But when I stop, I can explore it as me, I see trough it's code(what is my code) - I can direct it as me until I emerge as the total, absolute stable unification of me.

So let us explore what is movement and what is not, what is stopping and what is not.

Self forgiveness here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have to or I can not breath here when my nose is stuck with some stuff instead of realizing that I created this because I was not here as breath - and the only way is to breath trough this and not allowing myself as supression of breath as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see something in my sister and thinking that she's like this or like that - instead of realizing that I realize something within me what I have accepted and allowed and now seeing it in her - and instead of believing that she is doing this - realizing that I do the same and that's why I judge to keep up separation instead of seeing why I allow this within me and how and forgive it unconditionally here.

Click forgiveness

Interesting, I was around to wake up in the morning, and I had strange dreams, also some sexual content it had and after that I was about not really aware, but a bit yes - and I even did not know - and it is like what is always happening, in the morning, I participate within thoughts and this is generating energetic experience and at one moment, the mind consciousness system is like 'waking up to be conscious' and then I define myself as I am awaken...

But this time it was like a click, a buttonstate change as I had this pain in one moment(I am facing with some wet nose, head/throat pain) there was no pain at all, and in the next moment, the left ear was full in pain and also I was kind of aware of the nose is containing the nose stuff and it was strange - as the pain was like tube-like - as the ear inside probably is the same - so the pain was tube-like and was interesting, and the most strangest part was like a switch operated for a while - I had no pain, and then I had 'full' pain - and when I had no pain, was kind of 'more pleasant' but then I was not aware of the 'tube in my ear'.
And I realised I am managing this pain, it is like a program running in the mind consciousness system, as this 'sickness' - and actually I tried different strategies how to get trough with this shit, and actually looks like if I accept - I experience, but if I deny - I fight and then it becomes stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically participate within thoughts inside of my head when I am waking up in the morning on the matrace in my sleeping bag.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without thinking I can not peace myself down to the state of being 'normal'/'calm'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am at this moment and by thinking trying to deny, to cover what is here as me by the continous participation within thinking - what is the past-based transcendence points what I carry, and repeat until I embrace, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sick.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define sickness as tiredness and sleepyness and painful.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to being sick and not even being aware of this act - instead of realizing the thoughts in the moment when I participate and understand and embrace and forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek - to manifest seekness - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to getting sick by seeking after seex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, to think that if I do not let go my compounded sexual energy then I get sickness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe, to think also that I can get sickness more easily if I did sex in the last days because then I have no energy and without that I could get sickness, because the energy what protects me from sickness/harm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form any belief related to energy by continous participation/repetition within thinking related to energy, my energetic state, my energy level or my ability to act, perceive, move or remain inner silent.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I manage to release the energy on a huge level than I can get rid of it once and for all - instead of realizing that this is reoccuring because the participation within contionous thinking and allowing myself to become emotional or use 'feelings' to being occupied/entertained.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my act when I write to somebody on the forum and I write directly and judging it 'agressive' - because of my memory contains pictures when pepole were direct to me and I perceived as an attack - instead of realizing that my belief system was in the fear of being attacked because in truth it is not real, and that's why I was afraid to loose it because I defined myself as this beliefsystem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my desires to one specific person who I perceive as a possible 'sexual target' instead of realizing the struggle to occupy myself with something from outside of me and trying to find a way to release my energetic compound on a apparently gentle way when the other person could give back very positive feedback - and by this I could stabilize this kind of expression because she would like it and then it is acceptable from looking it outside - instead of realizing the dishonesty and I forgiving myself to participate within emotion and not using a sexual relationship as a starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the actual tiredness or sleepyness is manifested because I am not aware of the breath each one by one, moment by moment and when I am not aware of the breath, I am not here, but I am participate within the mind and I give my power away from being here to being 'there' what is the manifested past - and that's why I experience this -- instead of being sure that I do not fly away, I direct myself, I discipline myself, I motivate myself and I am here as breath and if looks like something support is necessary, then instead of thinking, I can use writing, or saying out aloud.
I forgive myself that I can be afrad if saying out aloud what is actually inside because then what others would think and I could be exposed because based on what others could perceive about me I built up a personality and in fact/in truth inside of me is more subtle, more complex, more chaotic, more separationbased and I made the habit to define me by what others would perceive about me and when I worry about what others would think about is is indicating that I am actually fearing to lose my mask what I defined as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me unconditionally in every single moment of every single breath to say aloud what is going inside because then others would response as I am nuts.
I forgive myself that I define myslf according to how others define me, indicating that I do not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me here to remain inner silent.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the moring as breath as me as moment as me.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as inner silence as breath as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the mind to cover or hide things from me what are also me but I judged as unwanted and then I separated these from me by projecting definitions - instead of realizing that all is bullshit, and who I am is undenyable, and to face with this is inevitable, because it is already here, I am already here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in every single moment, of every single breath that I am an unified man already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed react to my name, Berta Jozsef in anyway whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate Berta Jozsef to my father who has the same name and his father who has the same name.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my name because it makes me remember to this phyisical reality, to this hungarian being, to this postcommunist west-balcanic swampy grey , natural and meaningless state of living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father related to what he did, instead of realizing that this was preprogrammed, and everything was more likely a movie by screenplay what was prescripted and then it ran down - just like the levels in computer games - and nothing to do with my father or with his father personally, but the question is what is my reaction to this, because this is the point where I accepted and allow enslavement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define disturbing my name because I defined Jozsef as biblical, and I defined biblical as a jew and I defined jew as stupid or silly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am at the moment by my given birthname, instead of realizing that is of memory, that is of consciousness, my name is not physical and only influences me at the moment when I accept and allow to participate within this belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to escape from experiencing myself as who I am at this moment within this system as my location as who I became within and as consciousness - rather then embracing it, accepting myself to be opened and allowing myself to experience what is here and direct me to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience reactions inside of me when I hear the sound of 'Berta Jozsef' - instead of being opened with myself and be aware what is the cause and why I experience this reactions and forgiving these to be able to stop and change and remain inner silent.
I forgive myslf that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not aware of being here as moment as breath as self- movement - actually I am manifesting the preprogrammed shit of me - and if I accept it and allow this - I am the responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my father's example about if I would 'release me', than I could finish as he did(dead).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to die at this moment because I want to things to be done what I did not managed to manifest yet.
I forgive myself to define myself as living by hunting those experiences what I want - instead of being comfortable with myself as myself here as breath as self-movement as self-direction and trusting myself as self-expression constantly, continously without participation within any thought, emotion, feeling.