Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Walking on street within Self-dishonesty since childhood

Walking on the street

I remember, once I read Maite's blog about how she experienced herself walking on street, especially when walking by construction workers.

I noticed some programmed expressions within me as well while walking on street.
I explore this, starting with memories then current experiences.

I noticed that I have a tendency to judge the things and people what I face on street.

When I was a teenager, I remember many times I was like compelled to watch the people's eyes who I walk by when I was walking on the street.

I was like I want to look into the eye - I had no idea why - I suspiced that it's a wolf-thing, like both stare each-eye until one is turned around: the weaker. And I did this to many many many people - at bus stations at shops at market.
I was obsessed with this occupation - the other one could be small, girl, huge, man, did not matter, I was just staring and I did not even blink but stare like a werewolf to get this energetic experience of 'the other pulls away the stare first'.

I was walking to high school when I did this a lot.

In that time mostly I was so energetically charged most of my time, that I do not really remember much of the real physical elements of my surroundings - except when I was in 'waiting' mode for instance for bus and then I was able to watch each detail of the visuals of the trees, people etc.

I also remember how I defined women as sex objects. It's like I have a bunch of categories about how to behave on street with 'abc' - wherein
a = men - as wolf to show that I am the alpha
b = women - as I am the man
c = children - I am the possible best to play with

I remember also that for a while while I was reading Silva's Mental Control, I even did the 'three finger technique' what was about that what I think will influence the outflow - for instance a traffic light how could give a 'green' line when I touch my right ear, lol.

Mostly I've changed my behavior while I was walking by somebody, like stretching my back to look bigger, walk more 'seriously', to share an appear as I am 'somebody'.

Also with girls, I was unable to stare in their eyes, only for moments, I felt shame, extreme shy-ness.
Mostly because what I wanted to do with women(in that state I believed that I want so) and I felt shame, I was afraid that they could see through my wolf-stare and childish behavior. I felt dizzyness, confusion and distraction while I was facing girls, women, except the really old ones who I defined as
not sex-objects.

So mostly these with I was occupied when I was alone on street - and combining these into unrealistic dimensions while I was unaware of my breath where I am as physical anyways.

By years, many from these went gone, but some still can come up, for instance a need for wanting to look into the eye of the people who I walk by on street, stairway, sitewalk, hall etc.

Sometimes still I simply forget for a moment who I am what I am doing, where I am going - or it's more likely like these occupations while walking are 'entertainment' to ensure that I am 'pleased', 'I am occupied', 'I am experiencing'.

By these I've defined myself according to situations, for instance looking into the eye of a woman who I can define as attractive - or even as 'sensual/sexual' by the 'automatic' self-definition projection towards women - especially who I 'do not know' - the 'strangers' who I have no real-life connection, so it's like a free-prey of my mind - at least for a moment, because after I expose this activity for a particular woman - things change - or I do define more the 'subject' of my mind currently, what is of definition, of picture, in this case as : woman;
or I do not want to 'walk in that direction' because I exposed that I am in fact nasty for instance thinking sex about somebody who probably would not like to do so in physical and I do not like really myself when I do this - I like more direct act, if I'd like a woman, better to express it and face and see that is this really practical to me and to her or not? - and probably in this second case the answer is no - but how I can 'know' until I do not try? Knowledge is what I fuck myself with this time.

Even sometimes I turn around to want to see that
-the woman might also turns around and in that case I could define that she might liked me as picture
-I want to see the back-part of her body, particularly: ass to react once more within as self-dishonesty.

About men - there is no outstanding issue - but sometimes - way less than all the case - when about an exceptionally muscular guy walks by - it's like I am a tiny boy again and try to act as a grownup, a hard, serious, physically powerful 'warrior' or 'hunter'.

This is based on physical measure - as they are bigger than me - I've defined them more powerful because the more muscle, the more power the should have by my look according to their image.

This was because I was always thin, I was always white-skinned and girls obviously like boys with muscles, and I felt inferior and balanced it with justifications of 'I am very smart, very fast, I have strong stamina'.

Geez, maan, so many personalities can pop up only by I walk on the fucking street!

Sometimes this child come up what wants to touch all the bars of the fence or when I carefully and barely hit the traffic sign poles to get the specific sound of these and as I walk through, after some meters I can still hear the overtone.

Also I have the tendency to focus on my feet, to feel my feet, to feel how I use the muscles, how I bend the thigh, how the fingers on my feet bend as I hold the weight of my body etc...

Also I like to stare the endless point at the center - as I walk into the unknown undefined, I just walk, I breathe, I release my 'lock on' on the visual and I just 'allow to watch the visuals flow like in a movie' while I walk determined by not focusing anything but on I walk infinity.
And then the temptations come, distractions, for instance somebody walks by, does not matter what type who - I have the tendency to stop this 'infinity focus stare' and look a fast into her/his eye or simply just look down while I pass by this specific one.

And then if I see reaction I can ask -why did I behave like that?

Why I can not just walk and breathe without flying away? What is required to remain here? More details? More focus? More presence? More danger or more anxiety or even more entertainment?

Recently - about 1-2 years - my walk changed - when I walk - I do not like to be disturbed by mind - I walk, I enjoy walk - otherwise what comes up while I walk is my unifinished business with some sort of self-accepted self-dishonesty .
But when I walk more than a minute - I notice thoughts - patterns come up - about 3-4 reoccuring topics, mostly about my things what I have to do and judgments about them, mostly because I am in late with several 'projects'.

Another topic is about how do I change when I am at party for instance on dancefloor with 1000 other.

Also it's different when I am in different type of mass of people for instance at subway station.

However there are common features how I experience 'many people' around me...
How I defined this before: It's like a shield wherein I can be myself, wherein there are so much people that it is not matter if I would not be myself, others might not notice it.

Obviously these are extreme polarities but I want them to be written and then self forgiveness I can write about it to be aware and then stop being a fucking robot while I walk around.

Self forgiveness will come shortly.

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