Wednesday, January 2, 2013

[JTL] Day 9 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART V.

In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV - I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

I commit myself to write and re-align myself to the actual preparation and scripting for myself to really change and be able to act and live and make decisions within my life what is in fact equally best for all.

This is walking the threads of the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All. Check out the Journey to Life blogs:
(and many-many more)

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know and be aware of that I follow a self dishonesty within me when judging woman's about my perception about how great I can imagine to have sex with her even when she did not give me permission to me imagine her doing sex with me - and by the reaction towards that imagination I come to the conclusion of she is sexually attractive for me or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of that I follow and react to self-dishonesty within when automatically judging a woman about can I imagine her doing great sex with me or not and then acting towards her according to that inner judgment. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to this inner judgment about women to become automatical in terms of being able to see women as 'desirable sex objects with what I could experience great sex' or defining women as 'this is not my type for what I get aroused to'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the act of inner judgment of 'sexually attractive woman' - by memories and desires actually I am responsible for experiencing separation from the actual being who I allowed to judge within based on my past, where I came from as memories/experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within visual interpretation of my world - I am automatically defining and reacting to beings/things within 3D reality based on my already self-accepted self-definitions such as 'exciting woman body' and 'arousing woman's behavior' and 'stimulating woman's voice' - without actually being able to experience and 'have a grasp' about the actual being in front of me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the act of self-definition I already accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my physical presence and direct experience me being here by allowing a system to operate within and as me for me based on my past's acceptance and allowance as manifested Self as Self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each time I accept inner reaction and an other reaction to come after an inner reaction - without me being aware of it, me being the directive principle within self-presence and self-awareness - actually I am behaving as a pre-programmed organic robot within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in the beginning I've defined facing woman as extremely stimulating as experience what I've reacted to extensively and within the reaction I've defined it as too much, avoidable, so I've came up with a systematically automatically reacting aspect of me through and as the mind fueled and directed by thoughts, feelings and emotions within the hope of gaining the object of my desire - in this case the experience of sex with a woman who I've defined as attractive.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking partner for me I've lost within the experience of myself being the seeker and having the lack - and I've allowed and accepted myself as this seeker after experience - actually making me responsible for the 'lack of woman and the aspects what I've defined as separeted from me of woman'.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking woman actually I am not considering myself but considering only the experience what I want to take refuge within as I've defined myself according to experiences instead of physical location and in fact according to reality with I am sharing with others as the physical.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to immediately and instantly stop when I realize the self-dishonesty within my starting point and actions - by wanting to 'walk through the self-dishonesty' to directly face the consequences - instead of being absolutely self-honest with and as myself that actually I've walked this path already, I am aware of where this goes if I fool-love this path, it is not me, it is not lasting, it is not what I really want, therefore it is common sense to stop and re-align with myself according to self-honesty as living the principle of what is best for all.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that when I accept and allow a self-dishonesty within and as myself - by being aware of it - actually there is always a justification/excuse/denial with what I persuade myself that it's still cool, it might have the price of 'experience' what will last but actually never.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of realizing that I will be never really satisfied when going after women according to my sexual desire, because it is of a self-judgment coming from my past - when I never questioned myself and my mind, the validity of the experiences of my mind who I've defined myself to be since childhood through decades of continuous participation within thoughts/feelings/emotions by what I've validated the fact that once I trust to my own self-created, only self-experienced thoughts/feelings/emotions - I am not real because my starting point is of self-made up inner experiences.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize that experience is not who I am, experience is what I've made up in order to justify to remain constantly occupied within and as my mind based on the self-definitions I've accepted and allowed myself to physically become.

 So I am walking through some points in my life wherein I've gave into the temptation of being mesmerized and paralyzed and absolutely occupied with experience regarding to sexual desire for woman. Within my blog, I've wrote quite some times about my sexual desire and the suppression of it and the inner reactions what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself, that actually I've never walked this point through by facing the core of self-dishonesty : being alone not being able to become who I really am, what I've defined as hollow because I've allowed this world's programming as myself: I need somebody to fulfill me because if every fucking programs in this world stating this then it must be like that, right? if billions of flies like eating shit, then shit must be real cool, same with those shitty famous pop music, right?

 If every second radio station plays those 20 times a day, they must be cool, right? Even when I hate that song, I can sing it easily, even when I am unaware of it, I sing it's melody, oh shit, why I love that song, because did I hear it 9999 times and I allowed my thoughts and feelings to react to it and who I've defined myself to be is this inner reaction system by completely disregarding the physical wherein my body actually lives...
So in this world, in this times, one can not have the excuse and justification of: but this is what everybody says so, acts so, strives for, pays for, dies for, so why do I even resist?

 Self-honesty, because I see that I am the creator of me, I've created myself as layer upon layer within my mind about who I am, what is my purpose and what I am hungry for as experience - noticing that disregarding my physical needs in terms of body and nurturing within actual caring - but being hungry for energetic experiences, even when it is just an experience what requires intense side work to have, even when I have to disregard my physical reality for a while, even when I have to lie to myself, even if I have subject-ize other fellow humans just because they have a genital what I've defined I am required for being 'satisfied'.

Some guys around me ask me sometimes, why I am still forgiving myself, why not just forgive yourself and then just go and enjoy? Well, because it's like a thread - I pull a string and it's just coming and coming out, the threads of self dishonesty within me - and actually the whole shirt of me is of 'self-dishonesty' what I wear as mind as myself and I can not throw out the whole stuff, because at the moment it is me, my skin, my blood, the whole package, self-honesty and self-dishonesty all together - and it is only possible one by one - and if I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest about a point within me - a desire, a fear, an anxiety or a discomfort or simply a 'disregard' for other fellow humans/lifeforms on Earth - so when I forgive - I unreveal a self-responsibility what I've abdicated since long time and the physical consequence is that I am here and automatically reacting within self-dishonesty - and actually when dropping the veil of a self-made up delusion - then it is possible that I will notice an other self-dishonesty within me, hidden behind the one I am actually forgiving - within and as my mind what I've accepted and allowed to be my god, believing the thoughts I experience as me, the feelings of happiness as me, the emotional shit as me - but in fact these are just internal feedback systems showing equal and one for me what I've accepted myself to became - a programmed energetic mind separated from the body, but requiring the energy of a physical body, using the physical energy of body yet disregarding physical by stating that love and experience is more real than the the actual human physical body and when experiencing loss and grief and sorrow, playing the dumb 'why me? why why why?'. and Then using this 'why' and reaction as an excuse for one is not standing up as all as equal as one as life within oneness and equality.

Even when many-many are walking an example how to deal with the mind within the consideration of 'What is best for all, really, really'. So that's what desteni people - destonians - walk - no more compromise, walking through the shit properly(even if it means many hours to walk through and give myself the gift of stopping, changing through and as the living Word as Self-forgiveness) once and for all - to make sure that within future expressions of ourselves - we are in align with the principle of 'what is best for all' - what is absolute self-honesty, but it is not just something what we can 'contemplate' / 'meditate' on - we have to walk the practical way wherein we ensure that we do not justify and suppress the shit we sit on as dumpheaps and call it as life.
There is no other way but becoming aware of our self-accepted consciousness system imprint on and as the physical - and self-forgiveness is here, free and effective within self-realization because we can mark the self-dishonesty points within ourselves with self-awareness and responsibility - to see when it comes again, who we really are, can we really change or we just say stuff but never stopping to reacting to the mind. The same mind within as energy as seeking positive as the World System Mind Consciousness of Money in the world seeking more revenue - the same - as long we do not realize this point is the same - we are but puppets of our self-dishonesty.

That after not really seeing successfully working and really caring relationships what last - everyone is of desire and hope and after all when one finds out, it's actually worse than being alone, then one will justify it until the last breath or until when brutal abuse happens, then being able to stop it and saying 'I did not know'...

So returning back to walking through being me the puppet of my self-dishonesty: The most relevant reactions coming up regarding to this are the followings:

-when I was kid and watching TV, deciding to want to have a beautiful woman as depicted in movies/novels/magazines.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that imagining my future and myself according to movies/novels/magazines about everyone can find their life-partner who with I will fulfill my desires and basically ensuring my experience of happiness what I've defined myself according to.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the starting point of media sharing images people to be attracted to is money and profit and no matter how I will react - it will be based on the starting point of people sharing media, what is of their need for money and within me reacting to these images and likenesses of depicted relationships and apparent beautiful experiences within human relationships, as to be with a woman for me - I'd even pay for getting this experience and then not realizing it that why I pay for things in this world because of this self-accepted lack of experience what I can transform into fulfillment by being affected and mesmerized by an image and likeness of a self-defined beautiful woman.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with the actual image and likeness of a woman about how walking with her would actually assist me and her within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tv and magazines and novels are shared and pumped into our money-based world system as products because of people's need for earning money - actually by imprinting the idea of lack and hollowness without being obsessed with a partner within our head and being addicted and reacted to and in fact lost within the experience of reaction towars my possible future partner or my current partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was a kid, my family grownup members did not know, were not aware of how actually they accepted and allowed the pre-programming and imprinting of me with these images and pictures and apparent needs and lacks within me by, through, and as TV/movies/magazines/novels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family grownups for the fuckup what I experienced and turmoil within I've lost myself for years finding out who I really am among these self-accepted desires, fears, needs towards the images what I've defined that I need me to fullfil me instead of realizing that I am here as physical, experience will not last.

 When and as I react to a movie or magazine or a novel etc with inner reaction of 'I want this too', or 'this looks like fun' or 'this is who I am' or 'this is who I need to be' or even defining it as 'it is cool' - I am actually responsible for my experience of desiring after woman and sex and relationship.

 When and as I am occupied within thoughts, feelings and reactions and reacting to these within and as myself - I am unprotected from my self-acceptance and allowance as who I've defined myself to be and not even being aware of it - so within realizing any thought I follow, within any feeling I wave myself into or any emotion I experience - I realize I am accepting myself to automatically reacting to what I've defined as I am not aware of it, yet I am responsible for the physical consequence.

When and as I define a woman as attractive, I realize that it is because I've defined and formed who I am and who I want to become within human system, according to my and my perception of others experience based on reacting to novels/magazines/movies, so I realize this self-definition towards a woman as 'attractive' is basically irrelevant in the perspective of practicality and process of self-honesty therefore participating within such a self-creation actually I am the only one who is responsible and will face the consequence.

When and as I judge a woman as not sexually attractive for me - I realize it is because of this mind what I've gave permission within and as me as thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me that she is not attractive for me because of how I've programmed myself towards being attracted to specific details like eye, face, body shape, hip/waist ratio and especially the clothes(or the lack of clothes).

See? So many point, a whole network is already being alive within me without me really needing to be present, just being reacted to and automatically reacting to images and pictures, as I've accepted myself to become.

When and as I react to a clothe on a woman as defining it attractive or arousing or exciting or any way I have an inner reaction according to polarity and not physical facts, I stop, I realize this is the moment when I can be self-honest and let all go and remain inner silent and act within trusting myself without thoughts, feelings and emotions.

-when I was with A. in basic school and how others judged her and me as two being special as 'good learners' and how I reacted to this and towards A. within energetic reaction 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others judgment within the fear that I can not see myself objectively within self-honesty but I do require others who's judgements I can react to and by that experiencing who I am and how I am.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've decided not to stand all alone within human system without being needed to be defined and judged by others because I've also defined myself as somebody who requires to judge instead of realizing that the starting point of any inner judgment based on any perception is self-dishonesty.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good learner instead of realizing that this just a label what people judged me and my bench-mate with because they allowed to judge people according to 'school scoring' and their reaction to school scoring - and not realizing that reacting to myself according to how I judge them about how they judge me is obviously an oblivion to live within and as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as great by others because by that and only when I can have an inner reaction of judging myself as 'great' - to overbalance the energetic mind within myself as 'negative' with 'positive' by believing that this energetic mind of positive and negative I've defined as myself who I really am instead of realizing that it is only my self-acceptance and allowance for abusing who I really am as physical life by superimposing experiences within and as me and disregarding reality here.

When and as I realize I want to be judged by others - in any way whatsoever regardless of how - actually I am stating to Existence as myself that I can not stand alone with my beliefs, so please somebody else would confirm me that my beliefs are real, because by myself alone I am still seeing that my beliefs are unreal, but with an other telling me that my beliefs are real, I actually could believe in basically whatever I want, whatever I need to see myself to be pleased by myself in order to hide who I really am.

 -when others made fun of me because I did not know hat is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what others know and wanting to be like them to not to be judged by others as 'I do not know what they now' and thinking and reacting to with 'I am inferior' instead of realizing that it is just their knowledge what they believe to be themselves and if I start to worry about all what I do not know, actually I am worrying about what is not real, participating within what is not real, and in fact I am being influenced and directed by what is not real but only an experience and when the experience is gone, I will be faced with the consequence of defining myself according to what is not real.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a girl to come to me and give to me what I want because that I've dreamed about who I am and what I would deserve. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the idea when a woman approaches me and telling me that she is interested in me because it was the most possible way for me as a kid to have interaction with woman - because I never did anything to face my desires but always worked on suppressing it as myself - and the only hope I could keep up within me that one day one woman would realize my values and she would discover and 'get' me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined approaching woman and tell her that I desire after her as avoidable because of possible outcomes of such an act I've defined not worthy, because when I would get rejection then I would be sure that I am worthless for her, and because if I could get acceptance then I would not know what to do next because all I cared about to 'get' the woman but then what - not realizing that who I've became is this hope and want for 'getting' woman - and without it actually being unsure what to do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that thinking about a woman is self-dishonesty - because thinking requires such an abstraction what if I step to do, I am reacting within me apparently towards her according to my already-accepted self-dishonesty as the steps of the thinking, what if I would dare to slow myself down and see really what I am participating within such as accepting my past-based definitions, my reactions, energetic movements within me, the memories, pictures, emotional highs and downs and it is basically nothing more but business - energy in, energy out, energy high, energy down and in fact nothing 'real' 'business' is happening with actually the subject of my thinking ('a woman') - as a real, physical being, only what I do is judging my already self-accepted judgments (as who I defined myself to be).

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see woman not according to how they express themselves in terms of practical living in this world but only because of my desire to have a woman who can stand in this world with me for long term.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my judgment of woman actually I am caring only about myself by considering my own experiences only.

 When and as I want to be judged or not wanting to be judged by anyone - I realize I've formed relationship within and as me according to thoughts, memories and energetic highs and downs within and as me and wanting to re-live, re-experience this relationship within and as me to have that reaction of energy to feel me alive because who I am actually without any feelings I am doubting myself that I might not be real.

 When and as I act according to others judgment or appreciation or dislike - I realize I am moving as a puppet according to my self-accepted mind as who I've defined myself to be through and as the continuous participation within thoughts, feelings and emotions since my emergence from childhood, so I stop, I re-align myself with and as the physical and let go all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and breathing here and acting here as physical within common sense.

 okay, next time in this topic, I will continue with these memories specifically especially how I give permission to what I've already defined as myself as self-acceptance what is in fact not practical and I've already walked it and am aware of it is not what I really want but within the actual 'flood' of experience within me - I disregard all my 'realizations' for a moment - what can not be accepted as excuse anymore.

 -when I was a kid and playing with my niece about exploring sexuality 

-when others made fun of me because I did not know what is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch 

-when defining myself being in love towards E., a girl in basic school one year younger and never really talking to her directly but as voices in my head 

-when finding and watching grandpa's sex videos and wanting to figure out wtf is this and why I am being stimulated to and how to boost my inner reactions to the degree of disregarding physical constantly 

-when talking to a girl in a lake first time and she was open and kind to me and the only I was able to focus that she was half naked and her tits -when going to boating with the neighbor Latina(gipsy) in bikini and how I did not do anything but suppressed it and justified 

-when in the tent I was with M and had desire but never allowed to show -when reacting to B-s cameltoe in high school and when she sat onto my thighs and being scared that she would realize how much I was aroused to her 

-when falling love at university to a girl who gave her attention to me and by that already defining it as desirable especially when judging her according to my already-existing desires based on pictures and memories as mesmerizing and arousing

 -when defining energy as my life-fuel instead of realizing that this energy I experience within my mind is seeping of from the physical body actually depleting it as who I am as physical life. 

-when falling apparent 'love' as inner experiences towards my later on wife at university and all the struggle I had regarding to this meanwhile I abdicated myself entirely

Okay, for now that's it, thanks for reading!

I am going to continue with an apparently 'other' thread 'abdicating self-responsibilities' - because that is currently bugging me the most as it has an impact on my physical body, especially as manifested pain in my right shoulder - but that is just an other pillar within me as self-acceptance as self-dishonesty what must be written out, understood, walked through, forgiven, re-defined within common sense and physically stopping participating within it and exploring what means living beyond self-dishonesty to actually take responsibility for myself as creation and the world as creation as equal as one within oneness and equality.

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