I let myself to become aroused in some situations and it can not be denied anymore and theese energies and feelings and emotions are crawling in my trunk up and down, like the cyborg has the electricity and theese are like electric bolts are moving inside of me - a bit like entities are moving inside of me and I am of theese.
And the fact that I always wanted to let theese go, because became so intense and I even became senseless and rude because theese are totally taking control over my existence for a while and then I 'get back myself' and I say : holy shit, is intense, and then I masturbate to let it go, or I even judge myself to not masturbate(mostly it happens) and then I say then I should find a girl to make proper charge-release to re-balance and to re-main in this 'cleanness'. But I also judged this whole process of handling sexual energy, and I realised that is very nasty, so I also judged that I do not want a girl just because of sexual release - because I became so intimidated with myself - as most of the people do not dare themselves to see - why they are in relationship, and probably the main reason is this: to let them remain stable within judgemenges, emotions/thoughts/feelings and find another dishonest being who can protect this as she/he has the same and 2 are the same and supporting each as a system...
And it was so painful to see this so I denied - and I did not wanted to find a girl who I can have sex because then it could be obvious that I only want sex from her - because then I would have to see and experience that I want somebody for sex - and my illusionaric imagination of myself was more 'nice', more 'smart' than I really am. Also I feared from facing it - fear of judgements of girls and others - so I did freeze.
And when I stopped smoking - it became more intense as it started to come to surface what I accepted and allowed trough the years...
And yesterday night I realised when this girl was here - the fact is that when I want to release this energetic charge - recently I do this: well then, is not cool, but let get it done, release - and giving me into the masturbation and saying the following: "Ok, now I masturbate, releasing this energy, but then I do not have to recharge it up trough participating within and as desire, so when now I release, after it, I wont charge up again!" - and then as it happened maybe in the last months around of couple times - it became an excuse - because obviously I did not stop - and I did not have to stop what I do - because the release started to become a habbit - and because of this - I remain the same systematic programmed consciousness mind.
So why not I try to not release, not charge out, but stop - because when I release - I will restart to participate - as I defined myself as this desire, as this energy, as this frustration as this struggle, as this fight - so that's why I could not simply stop.
Because theese emotional systems within me are happening and in fact I am theese at the moment as one as equal - separated.
On thurstday I will go a party where I will see myself...Obviously my desire drives to go but it has a little fear also - because is unknown...
Is this a thirst day?
I've read the interdimensional diaries and is very assisting and I started to read the 'God of man' parts what I saw some of on youtube, but before were some very serious articles about self-trust, and control and manipulation and doubt and another was the feeding system within the pelvic area what drives the beings to remain this mind consciousness systems.
My sister called me to walk on the island above as she always wanted to visit that, and I refused it and judged the park and she is with her friend and I said well maybe, so will see.. Why I do not want to see my sister?
Because I am self-interested and judged her and the island as boring and I used this blogging as an excuse... But I direct me - and that's it...
I simply do not want to go out to the island and spend 3 hours of walking - but in fact I could use some control to dare me to go out - for instance going by bicycle and taking the camera to let me occupy - but in fact I 'have' areas where I could be bored and is not just like this - but I am define 'having a good time' as sitting the front of the computer and:
-participating within emotions such as watching movie when I do not apply self-forgiveness..
-building self-trust and enjoying moment as making video or animation
So the key is to become the self-forgiveness - not leting myself to 'ok now I forgive myself, then I will rest and watch a movie' - because is obvious separation.
But in fact I could do simultaenously as I have 2 machines, for one for blog and another to watch.
Let's do it. But first some self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I become this emotional-energetic system experience and by this I have the relationship with and as it and if I let myself to be 'spontaenous' - I operate as it - and I have to stop and change everything...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fight.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I think or define - I am definetly not here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge women according to my definitions of their body about how attractive they are or not - and manifesting this polarity and projecting and manifesting it and there are women who I could have sex with and there are whose whom I not.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define theese emotional systematic movements within me as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in books that theese are what I have to develop and intensify - because I defined it as joy I wanted more joy and I wanted more emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that emotions come by thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define dishonesty as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define joy as separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define joy as a separated entity from me what is conditional - not realising that what is conditional is of the definition of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am joy already here.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that when I want to find joy - I am this 'want to findness' and this can be experienced when I desire joy and then I separated myself from it and that's why not experiencing as me as one as equal here and because I did not trust myself as myself here - I trusted in others who said/wrote about how joy can be found outside from me as relationship as sex or power or money -- not realising theese are excuses to not realise that I am here as joy already - but I have to stop to seek and realise everything is here as me as one as equal.
Lol I meet with my sister in the island.
I said I will met with her only at the nearly edge and she did it so I go.
After that I didnt go.