Self-forgiveness

There are some points what came up recently and are related to past what I allowed to manifest again...as I see it is the self-trust and self-judgement what are being tested - and how? Like I am here and I do not want to re-occur the past what I already realised that was dishonesty, illusionaric and of separation, but at the same time - I let myself to express as it comes - and not fear from manifest something shit - because then I wont face the consequences and then all would remain a kind of simulation and then I simply wont change.
Because interesting observation that I want to change but this 'I want to changeness' is a kind of pillar to not change - because then why would want to change, why not, just: change?

So because I want to change - that implies the fact that I want but I cant.
So this want is also a separation - separation from myself, from my act from my presence and more likely as a desire.
To desire to not want, to desire to not desire - or to want to not desire or to want to not want...are looks like the same...

"I want this done" - then do - and by doing I am this as one as equal. Let me stop this relationship with the stopness and this want - because if I want - I remain this 'wanter'.
And within the act of wanting - if I perceive myself as this 'wanter' - then I will judge myself as I am wanting - and then the self-definition arises and manifests...
And then I become the want itself, and the subject of the want goes background - until I do not face and stop this illusionaric self-identification with this 'wantness'.
And then I come to the same point where the subject can be seen again and then facing with that and can be understood and stopped and realised.

This tendency can be seen in myself on many areas: woman, tech instruments, music, movie.
But because the root of them looks like the same picture - I stabilize the expression of and as self-forgiveness here about this point to emerge it into and as myself to be able to see it as it and be one and equal and finally stop this dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive something separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as separated.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am the responsible totally for all what I experience - so I have to stop to experience it's stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want things what I can not simply get at the moment - by the definition of it what is merely an idealistic perceptional past-based, self-judgement-based dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who wants.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want things instead of act and experience.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play with the idea of want because then I have the 'space' within my mind to plan and simulate before I decide to act -- not realising that is all of illusion - total bullshit...more precisely it describes my dishonesty so let forgive it to myself as myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to becoming dependent to the act of wanting.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want things because then I have the occupation of want.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use 'wanting' as an excuse to actually not living.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a 'wanter'.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about I want things.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about what I want.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually directly direct the situation because then I would become exposed - and fearing from the consequences -- not realising that I fear from my memory to manifest - and my act automatically becomes the reflection of the fear - of the definition of the actual fear and it manifests.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust into my wantings - instead of daring to see it as it in self-honesty and if is necessary then applying self-forgiveness immediately without separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to escape from my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shame my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged according to my past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret what I did in past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say that I do not regret my past but it is not true - because then I would not remain in the past because then I would changed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming brutal when I do express myself without anything.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to think, because then I would manifest who I really am and then I would have to face with the accepted and allowed expression - but this is inevitable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as stabilizator.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from manifesting my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to become thoughtless.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to conform according to other's judgement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to conform to others according to my judgements about their judgements about me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt within myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not trust within myself totally, unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself exhausted - not realising that is the mind consciousness system what is exhausted because of the immense manifestation of dishonesty what I accepted and allowed to expressed.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not supressing my thoughts fears - because then I would have to face again.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire and want somebody who can support me in stopping the mind because at one point when I would experience myself here then I can be frightened and then would be cool somebody who could say - hey, breath and trust yourself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I fear from myself - who I perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who can be frightened when stopping the mind - not realising that the mind itself has the ability to fear - and that simply would mean that the mind is still who I perceive myself to be - according to the fear -- as memories about me fear in situations.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a tool to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to survive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not brething properly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my breath to not being aware of what I do, think, feel etc.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the supression of breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shame my fear - because of others' judgement.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define an idealistic talamon and trying to project it as who I am and when it becomes obvious that I am not my desired ideas then I would manipulate to remain this.
I forgive myself that I accepted ana allowed myself to use manipulation to myself to remain within separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others and then I would desire to manipulate them within and as separation - instead of daring me to become one and equal - - more likely to realise that I am already one and equal with and as others here.