Desteni: Daily Interdimensional Diary: Part One 04/05 October 2008
I type here the context of the suggestion as well - to type it as one as equal here.
And if I experience the necessity of REPEATing the writing down a specific self-forgiveness - I'll do it.
STEP ONE:
Self forgiveness applied on the very acceptance and allowance of defining trust in separation of and as self here.
This done by investigating 'what I accepted and allowed in me as the definition of the word trust' trough writing down the very definitions of the word trust in and as me.
In this, purifying the word and thus purifying me from definitions in separation of me in relation to the word trust; to not hide behind the definition of the word.
For example:
Let's say I have defined trust as another simply just speaking the words: "You can trust me" or "I can trust you" to or towards me, then I say:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust within another saying to me: "You can trust me" or "I can trust you" - and then immediately believe "trust is now in place".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from trust - by defining trust trough a definition as words spoken by another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from trust - by defining trust trough a definition as words spoken by another.
Or that I have defined "trust" as being able to "depend" on another:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as being able to depend on another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as being able to depend on another.
From here - also take into consideration within the self forgiveness of 'definitions' - towards who and what exactly in my world have me defined trust as 'connecting' myself in relationship with others trough the word trust - thus, separating me from myself here, by being 'dependent' on others to 'make decisions for me', for example.
For example:
Let's say I've defined my mother as trust, because she always listens to me when I speak:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my mother listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
With this I continue:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my friends listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someine listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as teachers listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as girlfriends listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my classmates listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my cousins, sister listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my collegaues listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as my boss is listening to me when I speak, defining trust according to and as someone listening to me when I speak.
Another example: on in relationship:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me- as believing that I can "trust my partner because she will only be loyal to me" - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
So specifying it to ALL ex-girlfriends to clear and be aware of it once and for all:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Eniko because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Anna because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from tust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Viola because she will only be loyal to me' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
She was not really girlfriend, but I desired her for a while to be and when I got it I saw the fucked upness so was not really a relationship in physicial but in my mind yes, so:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust Eszter because she will only be loyal to me' - ion this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
Also important part - was not relationship, but kind of intense bond with this guy trough the many acids what we've been trough, so:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me - as believing that I can 'trust bence because he will only be trusted to m' - in this separating me from trust into and as relationship - only relates to the relationship itself.
Nex: friends:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as my friends defending me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves; that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves, and not me.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as my friends defending me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves; that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves, and not me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another lends or borrows me money.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another lends or borrows me money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me within another - when I borrowed someone money and they returned it, that this 'returning money back' is a trait/illustration/show of 'trust'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in the actions and deeds that beings do outside separate from me.
Again:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in the action and deeds that beings do outside separate from me.
Lets express more based on theese examples:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on who with I decided to take psychedelic drug together - as this act as a trust separated from me based on self-judgements towards to the others instead of trusting me here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of and as me based on who with I smoked ganja based on the definition of separation of 'travelling on the same ship'.
I forgive myself rhat I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on the people are 'rainbow people' or not - judging them by their words as how much rainbow gatherings they visited or how they look like as a 'rainbow-brother/sister'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust in separation of me based on defining somebody as a drummer based on he/she has a percussion drum or not - and defining this trust with the relationship with the drum as trust - instead of realising that I am here as trust as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as how people do look into my eyes and defining the profound eyecontact as a sign of trust - instead of realising that I want to find somebody to trust into and as this relationship with my own relationship with my definition of the 'profound eyecontact'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust according to how a 'sharptongued girl deals with the others' - defining it as 'I can connect with her and understanding her way of thinking so I can handle and communicate the situation as a feel of control so I can express myself freely' - this is just a perception of who I judged as this 'sharptonguedness' based on my own relationship with memory of mediterran girls are speaking very dominantly.
Oh and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust when a girl is always controlling the situation with the constant projections and rawness and attacking others by the apparent control - to wanting to trust theese kind of women because then maybe if I could trust them they would tell me what to do or how and what I am because I didnt trust me and my judgements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as spiritualists defenindg me when another was 'out of line' towards me - instead of me not accepting or allowing myself to take the expression towards me of another personally - and assisting and supporting such beings to see what they are accepting/allowing within themselves, that they were actually 'discriminating' themselves and not me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust as when another shares a blog or vlog about self-deception and speaks about what is dishonest and need to be stopped - instead of trusting me here and not separating myself from others trough the definition of trust.
Step Two: Investigating my life in relation to the word trust, by defining and exploring experiences I've had within which the word 'trust' played a role, and had an effect and influenced on me - manifesting memory in and as me, to which I am still holding onto and still reacting to.
Wherein I've betrayed and deceived - and also where I betrayed and deceived - self forgiveness on the experience where I was betrayed and deceived and where I betrayed and deceived another. By describing theese events - how I experienced myself - I will see more clearly this point.
So looks like I write down some what comes up at this moment and then will explore more - but the practicality has to be understood and stabilized and developed in and as expression.
So the first one what came up when I felt a bit like I've betrayed my ex-girlfriend Eniko(always called Cica, but in fact she is Eniko) - trough in Spain we went to walk trough the El Camino de Santiago and there I've met with a very interesting french girl - and I focused much attention to her and I simply lost my control and in fact did not happened anything but It could be - and this compounded day by day and I spoke with this girl and my girlfriend did not like it, and was really annoyed and fucked-up -- because we split before and came to this trip to come together again as a couple -- and I did not give a fuck and then this whole event manifested that she had an accident in her ankle and then we did not continue the trip so the french girl went by - and we were only 2 of ourselves alone and I had to support her by carry and be more directive.
And in this event I felt like I betrayed her a bit - because she showed this to me and I felt like this - because here is 'my girlfriend' and then I focus to an other girl and simply was not totally fair but the other hungarians judged Eniko as annoying crazy ass and by this I got support from them by being able to play out as I am not guilty and protecting myself with the fact that : 'nothing did happened really' - but in fact it was not my directiveness - only I did not get opportunity.
So this example was really what I bothered me sometimes when I was around this, so here I clear this totally - to unchain myself from her, and from the relationship itself and from the gult and from the betrayal and from trust.
Because I accepted and allowed to defined trust separated from me as I trust to her because she trust in me - and supporting each other to not trust in and as ourselved but to an outside source - manifesting the relationship with the self-doubt and with the relationship the dishonesty itself - as constantly depending to the other to be able to cover the dishonesty as self-doubt by projecting the trust onto other.
And within the kicking off her trust within me by manifesting her self-doubt as I could leave her to a more interesting girl - I've manifested - to show that her trust is not constant because it can not be - and I also was gloryous because I started to realise that I can not trust into her - so instead of trusting myself - I instantly wanted to put my trust from her into an another girl who was 'fresh' from the perspective of the memory 'flaws' of the trust. Because I started to stop trust in her as she cheated me and I defined trust in the lack of cheating me, instead of trusting me here and then I am always in and as trust as self as self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define trust separated from me based on my girlfriend did cheated me or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cheating partner by having sex or phisically manifested expression of wanting to have sex with an another who is not me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship based on the sexual habit - not realising that I have relationship with my own definitions of the relationship itself.
Oh maan, a book could be filled with this one only - because this point contains much of me what is here already until I stop.
Like I defined girls as magical beings who brings up more from me.
I defined girls who can divery my attention from my inner turmoils and self-doubts into their beautiful and shining expression.
I defined girlfriend as somebody who I can become to horny and I can trust to be able to desire and obtain freely to touch her whole body as long as I want or as like I desire.
I defined girlfriend as somebody who is really appearing near me as somehing nice, value, and then others would recognise me and respect me about wondering what I 'have' to be able to 'have' a girlfriend as much nice as this one.
I defined to have a relationship with a girl as a support who can say that I am worthy and she can tell me what is wrong within me and trusting into her let her to control me because in the belief that she will make me better - accepting and allowing to her to influence me extensively and change my behaviour as she want - because no matter what she wants of me - I wanted to have this so deeply so I gave away all other what I wanted or have but this one.
Because I defined that I can not trust in me - because based on my memory I experienced this lack of self-directiveness, this lack of practicality and this lack of strength.
And I judged my outfit and feared other's judgement about I am skinny and poor and powerless so I wanted to have something 'precious' to be obsessed and possessed and be able to show it around to out towards others to manipulate them trough their own lack of self-trust and judgemental definition systems to judge me as 'cool', 'groovy', 'the man' etc.
And I saw similarities within Eniko and she had this same cross, and I was the tool to hide - by different definitions - not likely the outfit, but more likely her perceived 'values of my inner' - she did the same - and we supported each other's dishonesty and when I felt like she had sex with others that I am spitted out, I am nothing, I am worthless, I am nobody and I felt shit - because loosing everything I had - more accuratedly I lost the perception of myself as 'good' and I lost the tool to be able to perceive me as 'the man'.
And loosing the illusionaric perception of me from her expression as 'the one' - I had to face with the always existed self-doubt, and the immense lack of self-trust - what was always here but used her to conceal.
And the same was with her and when I met with this girl - I was astonished and as Eniko did the same with other man who she judged as 'more valuable' from a perspective at the moment - I did the same so I did judged the other girl(Mathilda) and I wanted to be with her.
It is like in the computergames - in the adventure - the hero finds an another armor what has not +3 but +5 defensive, so he simply replaces them. Was the same.
And I knew all this and she also knew so I felt guilty to kicking off this unwritten agreement on supporting each other's divertion from the self-doubt as self-dishonesty.
And the only thing what made me guilt because I had the memory what I experienced when she did this kind of stuff(or more) with me - I felt really betrayed and mutilated - by my own judgements and definitions what were here to try to hide from my own fear.
Soo. this was shortly about this 'betrayar'.
And this had a previous 'similar' experience when I was the university and I became really really sick, 42C body fever I had constantly and I was not with Eniko yet, it was when I wanted her along with half year but she denied me and went to US and then was this - and a girl, Erika was around and she was a bit like as my sister - from some ways she was more my sister. And I liked her and she was nice but I did not desired her - or if yes I was supressed it deeply - but this was somewhen around...
So she was hospitaling me at the college when I was sick - unconditionally, unquestionably she was like a second mother - and I did trust into her because of this - and when I was better - I trusted her more likely - and when after a time I came along with Eniko/Cica - she did not liked this story - but I used this story as an example what could mean and what is really important to me as she helped me to not to die and she was jealous and she did not like Erika - and even expressed this and when I was drunk I was with several drunk girls and we played in a big bed and I enjoyed to tickle Erika's bellybutton and I a bit became aroused and she also but we were drunk and with others together - nothing more happened - but of course I was already with Eniko and she did not liked this story and also this one was a bit similar what repeated after some years in spain - only the pictures were different.
And how it began - I had this self-doubt because of self-judgements and other's judgements I've taken granted about I am ugly and skeleton and not really like a 'man' because I am not playing the ego's behaviour. And I could not - because my father was not like this - simply not had 'real' example of it and I felt inferior - and I felt inferior towards those who looked 'muscular' and wide-shouldered or brownskinned or wearing expensive shoes/clothes or looking more self-confidental and being smart and being able to use words properly to have what they want.
So I hated myself because I am not like that and I supressed this - so I projected this hate to theese kind of guys - and Eniko manifested this fear. And also I feared from them about what would happen when they would see that I hate them, and they could beat me and I am powerless, so this also made me to freeze.
So Eniko manifested this as she said to me "Look at this gorgious man, how cool would be if you would be muscular as this guy, you should go to gym, if you want to please me, you go, promise me you go to gym.."
Also the rule as "The man pays always" - I hated - I hated to pay anyway because I did not have money and she had the money and gave it to me to pay in the restauarnt and I hated this because I felt powerless again - because she had the money - and I had to pay - I felt like I am a slave - and still I had to act as I have a power - but I feared about being exposed as I judged myself extensively.
So I even remember the very street and bus-stop when she said this - and by this I accepted and allowed myself to become emotional/turmoiled and supressed it and manifested as self-doubt and self-hate. Hmm.
So this was like a sprout of why I wanted to 'overpole' her 'attack' to me by other girls as for instance when I met with Erika when Eniko was with me - I was unaware but we did give 2 kisses quite close to the mouth - and Eniko hated it and I still did because then I could manifest the same inner shit in her as she did with the 'macho guys'.
So it was like a fight about who has the stronger 'hit-card' about I can prove more likely that you are a piece of shit to hide that I judge and perceive myself as a piece of shit, but by whiping it to you - I see that I am superior - - until you wont hit the next one to 'balance this relationship-fight' to equate and remain this over and over and over again.
So this was a kind of deeper line of trust in relationship.
One more 'level' back when self-doubt was caused when I was in high school and I had to wait for the bus in afternoon, many times around 2 hours and the gypsies came to messing around and getting coins and 'playing around with scary boys like me'.
And I was fearful and I felt inferior and I trusted to others, and I started to visit the library and in there I was 'in safe' and I read and read and read and read.
This was also when I was in basic school - the the sport-gym-excercise teacher judged me by my white skin and being very skinny - and I had to take away my shirt and I felt totally inferior and powerless when I was totally seeable how thin I am and how white I am and others laughed at me and I also went into deeper shit instead of realising that I accepted and allowed to take it personally instead of standing and realising that what they accept and allow within and as themselves.
But this was a bit a walk-forward as I already readed some more 'God of man' articles and this just flowed from me but atm I wanted to focus on this first part of trust Step 1, Step 2, so I will return to this article and will use this taking out samples and doing the self-forgiveness in self-intimacy to stop defining myself as this memory and to stop the relationship with the defined trust instead of being me here as self as trust as self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define partner as trust towards her to hide my inferiority within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within the pictures what I see by my own definitions by my own relationship with my own self-judgements.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did put trust into clothes and other's judgement instead of me trusting me unconditionally here all ways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I feared to trust within me because then I would have to stand alone and I defined trust outside from me to no need to stand alone - to not realise what it would mean to stand alone - to face with and as myself.
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