Saturday, November 22, 2008

Self-forgiveness: momentary

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that when I start to dissolve a dishonesty-system as starting to open myself and forgiving myself - then this whole shit just manifest right into the face - due to the not absolute self-will - and it is kind of like this:
I have a big desk and I open the drawers to throw out unnecessary shit, and I open it and find a case what contains pictures about a thai bitch for instance and instead of forgiving myself and letting it go - by seeing and understanding what this represents within my life and where is the point of self-deception as dishonesty - even when I start to do this - at some points, it can happen that I experience this:
I am facing with a point and I do not forgive immediately, and then this point brings up an other and then this goes on and on and on and when many points are here - what I accept and allow to come up without self-directive self-correcting application - simply this shit manifests - for instance I am starting to desire to speak, touch, sex with a girl(in this example) and then I realise this, and when I do not start over - I see a tendency to simply jump over. Like I have desire, oh shit, I do not participate, rather than doing video animation or playing computer or diswashing - and this jumping doing and probably makes a full circle with and as the actual dishonesties - as for instance
-self doubt about work and money issues then I can start to think about the project at work and the actual work what can be done to optimise
-having issues about a girl I met and she speaks all the time about sexual and enjoyment and the lack of it
-wanting to make a videoclip and I faced with issues about missing some video footage about oil war so how can I get theese clips?

And I start o think and then I say STOP and breath, or 4 count breath and the other one comes up and then the other and is like a multi-threaded server or how the databases work, where are the connections in the pool and picking up one and doing some steps and then put it back and then grabbing another - to 'serve multiple connections' at the same time.
And it is very similar - and I want to focus to one point at a time - and doing it until it's done - and then doing another - because then it would be more clear - - but in fact these threads are already here and running and I am jumping over and over and over.
And this is a kind of defense mechanism to not face with an issue totally and being able to keep self-definition by this occupation - and standing on multiple legs - to ensured that I wont fall because when one is bleedy, then I stand on another 3.
So this is very tricky but I am.
I started to see this one in the last week and here I can describe it at first time, so I have to deal with this.
And obviously the solution could be like focusing only to one - but the way as this 3D works - I am participating fully and theese dishonesties are working and determining my world and my act.

The work is probably the more clear: when I am at workplace - I work and that's it - because when I work when I am at workplace - then I do it 100% and then I can not doubt within myself because I do it as I can and anything comes up - as deadline or etc - was not my 'fault' simply just already here as past so just breath and do it and trust myself.

The woman-desire stuff is more tricky because if I have the knowledge about what is wrong with a sexual relationship and wanting to avoid - means I have dishonesties what I do not want to manifest because of fear - but like this I can not change myself because I fear from manifesting the same - and that's why I do not choose to touch - because of fear from not being able to direct myself - because I let myself to be directed by memory - by desire by fear.
And at the same time I can trust me and momentary expression and then facing the consequences - and like here is the moment and slowly but surely building this moment as me and expanding the moment as me until I am one moment infinitely.

That's it for this moment, and is cool because I wont forget because it is here.
I will continue with this and with other stuffs and the God of Man part self-trust step 2.

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