Desymbolism

Whatever is here
It is here and the question is that am I opening myself or not.
When the question is already here abpout what I am fearing from then self-honesty
is the key - as everything can be unfolded if self honesty I dare myself to push as.

Symbols - unfolding symbols

I became aware how I build myself up according to symbols.
One time I realize that the world is here - mostly when I stop defining yet the self-definition can occur as an addiction - then I do not define - but there is this word-matrix within me.
Words what I've built up about what is who I am and what is my reality.
Then by taking samples of the frequency domain - and matching these within my word-rule-matrix - I try to predict - as many aspects of myself are already quite systematic.
So within the act of an oracle - I do not see it - I do not predict it - but more likely I can redefine myself somehow.
For instance.
Walking on street or in nature and finding objects. Within the definition of finding I mean that for instance I look down and I see a treff king card.
Then I pick it up and who I am with - I was with Gyongy - so I simply put this into her perspective and I am empty - and she of course reacts towards it, so I put it onto her bike and she likes it.
This finding cards is quite specific for me - I liked to give meaning to what kind of card I've found. There was Beci and when I traveled with him in western europe - I always found joker to him and he was well surprised about how many I can find.
Interesting, because these cards have not a big variation, and the numbers mostly I tend to not give a big meaning - but for instance the king, queen, ace or the ruby - those were like something 'more profund' - and my favorite of course was always the joker. The joker because it means insane, playful, abstract and powerful.
So today when my little cousin, Noel gave me a pack of cards for a gift - I could observe myself about wondering for a moment: wtf this should mean - ok common sense: he gave me a pack of cards - nothing less, nothing more.
Then on the train I was just mixing the cards and pulling some and then watching how I operate related to the 'random' cards what I raised.
I realized that within this I use the construct of myself as mind consciousness system and then somehow what I already 'contain' I mix it with the given symbol of the card - and then asserting this into my system and it is like a projecting self-validation into these things and then simply reassuring that I can do whatever I want, mostly when I pick the joker.
So today when I wondered about can I pick joker, and when I did - I realized that I was dishonest today -
-first because I gave a meaning for the 'getting a pack of cards' - that ok now I have the cards, I am dealing and I 'have' all the cards.
-second because I gave a meaning to joker and defining it as the 'highest' and by picking it - I've defined myself as meaningful, special.

So within myself - there is this symbiologist - I've spent years to build up these symbol systems within myself and then being able to simply put a construct system between myself and what is here physically.
So this is a typical white light ascension bullshit - it is necessary to stop.
I even can say that this is not totally useless as at this moment I can direct myself to use to reflect myself according to objects what I find - because obviously these are not 'random' occasions. But when I define myself according to these, or I define possible movements or directions by these - it is deception.
Instead of when the symbol construct pops up by the act of directed self-reflection -- then seeing it as it is - how it built up and what I use it for and how and where I try to escape with this 'reinsertion' of code.

Interesting that this consciousness as the layers I contain - such as conscious, subconscious, unconscious - and even the deception and program comes out onto the level of conscious mind - and I accept it and I follow it and I reinforce it without even considering it as a past-based self-deception what always reoccurs as I reveal for myself as what I accept and allow when I participate within thought information systems.

And the self-corrective application could be specifically writing down the situation when I participate within symbols and taking it apart and coming to the realization about how it started and why I participated within it at the first time - and how and why I tend to accept and use it to define who I am and what is here and what to do.
Because mostly I see that I wanted to find signs around me what assure me that 'I can do anything', 'I am on the right path', and 'I am special' and things like that - even when I did not said these - the energetic signatures of my inner reactions were always like that.

So this simply unfolds the self-doubt, the self-fear and the lack of self-intimacy.

Because who needs symbols - who is not here.
Kind of martian and some times come to earth and wants to know what is happening to be able to 'plan'.
And then I as human mostly am not here - but within the energetic cage of mind and then some times taking samples about what the fuck is going on to be able to
-remain within and as the energetic system
-when the energetic system starts to fry me up literally - then to be able to decide how or where to go to restabilize this as called myself or joy or things like that what I use to protect my dishonesty to remain separated from the responsibility as who I am within and as this physical existence as all as one as equal.

I have to take apart the existing connections between the words - because at this moment I am not living the words as me but I am using nets of words and then I can simply question the whole thing called myself because if one word can influence who I am then what would be if all the words I react and connect to other words even on a way that I am not aware of it or if yes then I am not here to be able to direct because of the fragmentations or refractions of myself are more directive than me - because I became only this thinking entity within my head who can barely influence the outcome of reality as the already existing creation of myself as separation as a system of self-contaminations.
Because oneness and equality is always here - all ways here. I never could escape from responsibility - I never could escape from the god as the physical.
Because I always influenced the physical and I am now experiencing some sort of physical but in fact I am separated from it and looking trough the mind - and by trusting my mind - I copied attitudes what suggested me to not take responsibility because then I am 'free'.
But in fact I can not take responsibility until I am even not aware of what is here - I can not take self-responsibility until I am not here - and I am unable to change - because I have simply no power over of the mind.
And then the mind entertains me - the mind contains me and the mind embraces me - and the mind is directing the phyiscal - and this mind is also who I am but in fact it is from what is not real - conditioned content controlled, contacted contamination.

Self forgiveness I express and I stand and I stop participate within self definition - I stop participate within self definition trough symbols.

Within the game of Supreme commander - the last chapter is about to destroy the weapon of 'Black Sun' - what can destroy planets. Kind of star wars story.
And at the end scene the princess says within the animation that
'humans always define themselves trough symbols - what are corrupt - but when we destroy these symbols - then 'beliefs can change and the people could be free'.

And by destroying the symbol of weapon - do we destroy self-dishonesty?
By destroying the already manifested self-dishonesty, do we purify ourselves?
By destroying the symbols what we use to define ourselves - are we becoming free?

Well, if each individual can be able to destroy their own inner symbols - then it is already self-expression. It is already would be a manifestation of practial self-honesty application as common sense. Because then the symbol of 'choice' could be transcended - that here is no choice at all - this is who we really are - without any consciousness participation - we stand as all I stand as one as equal as life as the purification of man from symbols.

Because humans are living only symbolically - we are more likely became symbiotic cybernetic mixtures of the physical life - and this symbiological simulation we designed each of ourselves and the responsibility can not be denied.

When last time I spoke with Paul and David - Paul said that I am a fucking phylosopher and asked me that am I believing in oneness and equality and I said that this is what is here - what I experience, so this is not a belief.
He said that people can be responsible. And he said that most of the people are not responsible at all - only those who are aware of what is happening, the others are just sheples.
I disagreed and said that each are equally responsible, even within the money situation. He said I do not understand biology, and he calls it as the life - but in fact it was interesting to see that how much knowledge and information he used to justify that he is also responsible and not only for himself but for all - as one as equal, right here within every moment.
So after all this what we could not find as a common starting point and then the discussion was over - but it was interesting to see that I was not protecting myself, and some points he even revealed - for instance that I do not accept the greatness of myself and then he said that I am the biggest bastard of the world as well - so it was fascinating but I saw him as an example of system manifestation who is 'wise', 'clever' and can say that his hands are 'clear'.
Maybe he will have to die within this body to be able to release the limits.

So the responsibility - is here within each being within each moment - as the self-interest is so ingrained that they dont want to give up by themselves - rather than the events will sort this mess out - because the events are ourselves as well.

Self forgiveness before the train goes into the station.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my point of view - revealing that I am a point against of the wholeness - instead of being the expression of the starting point of all as one as equal - to not leave any being 'behind' of considering as equal with and as myself -- onto a practical, physical level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to symbols.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself of symbols.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate to purify the words I speak - still allowing to express myself as a systematic word-halo to protect myself from direct experience of what is here as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards those who do not understand me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards myself when I am judging myself and then judging the judging part of me by literally screwing up within my head and then to stabilize myself - using the pre-programmed, preexisting symbols to reassure that everything is all right.

So when I participate within symbols - as inner reaction - stop it - write it, release it, realize the transcendence as myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give worth and value to the symbols separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give meaning to the symbol of skull and bones separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning of secret dark societies to the symbol of skull and bones.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning and value of dark to the symbol of skull and bones.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate to george bush and his co about the society of skull and bones when I see a skull and bones symbol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define skull and bones as a sign of direct control of power here within this existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any meaning and association when I see a symbol such as skull and bones - instead of simply remain here as inner silent and not reacting in any way whatso ever and breath and express what is here as me as one as equal.

I do not accept any symbols to define me - I do not accept myself to define myself by any symbols - I do not accept myself to move or act or react regarding to symbols automatically - I direct me and that's it and this is who I am -- regardless of symbols.

Self forgiveness: pretend, obsess

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be who I am not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that everything is all right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am stable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am wise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I pretend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from stopping pretending.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I pretend - I am not here as absolute self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to expose all pretends because of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to behave as pretending in a some sort of self-justification and self-defensive mode in order to not take self responsibility about what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I pretend something then others may believe within that and then perceiving their reactions - I could be ensured that this pretending works, so I could believe it as well - instead of trusting me here who I am and express naturally as breath as inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to pretend that nothing happened when I experiencing abuse.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up and take responsibility and act immediately when abuse happens around me or within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I do not have to stand up and act regarding to abuse because of it is not my own shit; because of believing within the self-containment-mind-bubble and by this passive-spitefulness - giving the right to myself as well to continue abuse - accepting and allowing as one as equal -- instead of standing up and acing and expressing the starting point of who I am as all as one as equal.
-
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with a woman called Gyongy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with psychedelic trance and drum and bass when I dance and experiencing of the energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the energetic experience of masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with physical objects by defining those separate from me and putting worth and value into them and also defining them related to their price.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with phylosophy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with computer games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with computers.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be as inner silence as breath when I am using computer.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath naturally and expressing inner silence as self presence as expression as the physical.

Raware

Am I directing myself here or am I allowing myself to be influenced?
Who I am is the question in every moment - am I this acceptance and allowance what I stand up for and as and stop the self-dishonesty once and for all.
I've decided to make 21 day stopping stuffs - two of these I've chosed specifically, regarding to my current situation: coffee and masturbation.
So After two weeks I've been busy with masturbation and in fact
I did not wanted to suppress the sexual expression - but I simply wanted to reveal more that how and why I build up sexual-related energy? Because it is obvious that when I allow myself to desire, by tending to participate within looks, physical movements(looking back to a nice one for instance - a'la 'woman in the red dress' syndrome) or even thoughts(tiny, fast 'random access memory'-like picture-pop-ups within my head) - that is building up this compounded energetic entity within and as myself and it is well conditioned and totally predictable - and mostly ends in a need, urge to release.
And this release mostly was with my partner, but then when I got back face to face with relationship - I defined it as avoidable.
Also I did not wanted to fuck up girls mind about with several sexual occasions and when they start to experience the self-deception called 'love' - and I say 'no more' - they remain fucked -- so this is absolutely unacceptable.
Besides I realized that I never met any girl within my life who I had these 'requirements' related to how and why I want to live with somebody - I mean they are so different, and even now they are 'planning to' 'have love', or some occupations what I do not want to participate such as 'build a family with love and property' -- so after some emotional scars - the facing of my responsibility held back to engage into any relationship stuffs - also I defined that first: I sort out myself and then will see what next -- and people are almost laughing at me because they say - 'first relationship, then self realization' and I mean wtf...
But the sexual participation shows my typical attitude within consciousness: total avoidance of something(woman, alcohol, drugs, meat etc) or simply doing it with the most possible intensity until I decide to stop.
----
So when I direct myself to move - and I do not change when I am alone -- I mean: "I do not change when I am not alone" - I even not consider to participate within the energetic experience of masturbation.
But when I am all alone, and I tend to be get tired, yet I judged myself about 'I want more experience, not even about sex, but not want to sleep' and 'I already gave myself into the experience of tiredness' - I strive for escape from this energetic condition.
Before it - was the drugs - I mean just roll a joint or inhale some intense smokes and I was full of energy and I was able to make myself busy for more of couple hours...
But it had price and here I put these things down, so totally sober I am facing with myself.
Interesting observation that everything is connected to tiredness, fear and regret.
How? At the end of the whole shitstorm - I experience tiredness.
This tiredness is of the 'giving my power away' - literally feeding off the mind consciousness system by life as human physical body. Each thought has it's own signature what is of energy of polarity. This habit, as addiction manifests as my head is full of shit - full of thoughts - and each thought makes me literally weaker. At one point I even have the changing of perception by experiencing the existence on a somekind of 'less intense level', because everything is energy based - so fucked up. Then as I defined myself to be - as this 'high vibrating energy system' - is in trouble, so I strive for immediate cure for this lack of energy.
The coffee, drugs, sex has it's own energetic experience within my existence - so these I relate with. And then as I regularly tend to use these - I define myself as these things - as one as equal - and I am of it, as it.

Ok this stuffs I realized long ago but actually I write it down, so it lasts.


And let's see - here is a release - for instance having sex - with myself or with a girl, from this point - the totally same: I have a release - the compounded energy dissipates.
Some energy goes to the mind system directly - and I am less energetic.
Some energy just goes away - before probably went into the big one mind system as existence with the reptilian shit(see desteni, heaven etc) - but at this moment it forms my reality one and equal.

And there is no excuse about why I do this, or why I do not stand up.
For a certain point - I can say - I am exploring, I am experimenting - - but when once I came to a conclusion about something is necessary to be stopped -- then I have to stop - because if I am not stopping - I am not honest with myself, so I am not real from the point of who I perceive myself to be and who I really am is not one and equal so one of this is not real - and therefore my starting point is the one what is not real, so everything what I do comes from this illusion and therefore who I am is not real as well.

But when I actually dare myself to stop a habit - what is for instance an addiction or a simple self-fucking as self-dishonesty -- and I do not stop practically, totally - then I am just playing about the idea of stop - because of something what still keeps me 'back' from stepping forth so to speak - walking trough the past.

And the last point about this to consider that how I direct myself - how I handle myself within situations such as this STOP.
The already existing personality design can easily suggest to FORCE something to stop.
This is kind of fighting - I fight against something and I go into battles - I win and then I loose and I win and loose and it practically does not stop.
So somehow the embracing of stopping without fighting - this is what I am actually exploring - and makes me fall I can say - but these are not falls - only moments when I realize that this change was not real as it did not stood the 'claws of time' - so I dig deeper, I open myself up more and I specify the self-directiveness and embracing by and as awareness the whole situation of myself where and as I am at the moment - here.

How much I can bullshit instead of writing directly without any 'random' or intellectual addenums?

It is necessary to stop defining myself as pictures.
Because yesterday I realized when I was on a some form of beach - I am abusing myself when I define beings according to their physical shape.
I am abusing the equality within myself by determining myself according to picture presentation of beings.
Self interest I find this what makes me bend over and with pictures what I perceive trough my human physical eyes.
Yes, I can see trough my eyes - but the keyword is 'when I want' - and simply when I want - I still want to see trough, because of self-interest and therefore as it is already has the condition and starting point of self-interest - it is not absolute, it is not real so better to release the whole construct and breathing as presence and express and express.
Better the word as what is supporting all as one as equal as me.

The practical solution has to be written, stabilized, well directed - and by this one 'swing' I direct myself and I realize how things work - everything of me as me as one as equal within oneness and equality.

I have to stop stimulate myself with these energy flows within my body - these are the intense manifestations of the thought systems what are moving inside of me - and literally limiting my experience - also determining, containing, controlling, it's like I am within this con-sole.

Also interesting when I released this energetic compound, such as desire for sex - it looks the most intense -- I can literally experience the energy movements within myself - and it is always comes after some thought constract I allow to pop up - even those what are look slight - and this energy flows around the solar plexus, the backbone - it is related to fear.
If I fear to exist without energy thought systems - then the question comes about how it formed and how I participate and why - and how to stop it.
How to realize who I am and how to stop myself as thoughts?
It is a connection graph and I move by these connections within my head - even it is not physically my head but then within my trunk these energies emerge.
STOP REMOTECONTROLLING MYSELF BY CONS.

write and express no need con
conless contala conend

Ok, I write down Mykey support about masturbation:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define enjoyment as masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to became addicted to the energetic experience of masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become consumed my masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when the desire to masturbate steps forth: I cant help myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condemn myself for masturbating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience guilt when I masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a slave to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give masturbation power and control over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the experience of masturbation trough the energetic experience thereof.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use pictures in my mind to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from the energetic experience I have when masturbating instead of masturbation being an expression of me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to define woman as sex symbols.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I can only masturbate and experience me with woman in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define masturbation as the experience of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be enslaved by sex, woman and masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe: There's no way out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear other's judgement of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that others will think that this is who I am because of my masturbation and sexual obsessions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that others will judge me - instead of realizing that the fear of others judgement is actually the self judgement I have bestowed upon myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find it difficult to forgive myself for what I have done in the past and allowed in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am inferior and less than others because of my past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to understand myself - instead of understanding my situation - I judged my situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame woman for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry with woman because what has become of me - and that they're showing no interest in me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become so obsessed with woman - and because I masturbate of them - I am not able to face them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed in the presence of woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - and because I have become obsessed with them trough masturbation - I have forgotten how to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - I no longer see them as a human being - but as a picture I can use to masturbate with in my mind - and therefore - I am not able to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see woman only as pictures with which to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from woman.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare with other men.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to set myself free from the masturbation of the past.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am able to forgive myself and release myself from the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed masturbation to become a burden over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place more value and worth in woman than realizing my own worth and value as who I am.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have the strength and discipline to stop.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize my own strength and self discipline.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame the world and my parents for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am a monster.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of looking people in the eye and facing them - because of my past and what I do in secret.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress and hide me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be afraid of looking people in the eyes trough fear that they might see right trough me and know what I have accepted and allowed myself fo became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the guilt, shame, anger, conflict and frustration of what I have allowed and accepted to become and then 'lash it out' on others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must hide and suppress what I experience within me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be honest with me.
--

So it looks like that within my relationships - as I moved with girls without 'mindwork' - there was a point where my self honest application could 'slip away' -- mostly with sex - that was quite fluid - but when for a moment I stopped as self-expression - I simply lost my interest - I simply lost my arousedness, I lost my intent because I felt that this is just like 'ordinary' - and instead of realizing the situation and the responsibility - to open myself and her up and direct the situation and express and experience both of us as one as equal - I missed a transcendence point and I lost my motivation to do it regularly.

So when I had the relationship - in the begining I was totally interested in having sex multiple times at a day - but as the months passed - it became less and less - as it was not a self-expression -- it was conditional and the conditions changed and I changed with the conditions - or I can say - the conditions determined me.
And then I felt a bit regret, and I wanted to reinforce this desire, so I used pictures, I imagined about my girlfriend and I built up sexual energy shit - just as I did when I was child...

But from childhood as I wanted to be a man who can give a big joy for woman - I was this as well - when I wanted - I could give much pleasure for girl - but the starting point was not one and equal - more likely it was a kind of twisted manipulation...
So as years passed - I also learnt to just go with the experience and totally forgeting about my desire and just enjoying and pleasuring and it was fascinating.
With my girlfriend I was able to develop to not even care about orgasm - I was just having sex and she enjoyed and enjoyed and enjoyed again and I was so stable - and self expression I was able to do this...
But then as I stopped participate within relationship - with phyiscal girlfriend - this ability just slipped as I reformed myself according to suppression and masturbation.

And within the last months when I had sex three times with a girl about within a month - much of this revealed - as how and why I give into the 'release' by allowing myself to urge me -- or by allowing the girl to urge me because she could not bear the frustration of ' 1 - not having an orgasm - 2 - I am slowly exploring how to stabilize myself within sexual expression without having an orgasm'...
But it was obvious that this I can reexplore and restabilize - with a partner who can be aware of all of this and can support her as me as one as equal.
But to seek after a girl who is like this - I am not sure...
At this moment I found this girl who I like - who I wrote about within my last post - but she is going away after a month and that's it.
The temptation is intense and even for moments I loose myself but as I realize how and why it happened - it worthy - because me revealing for me.

Once there was an idea to 'get a young girl' who I direct as me as one as equal - but somehow I did not liked this idea to direct a 'younger being' because I judged it before I experienced - - but it also does not mean that I should do this...

Also when I 'kind of engage' into a contact with a woman - it is easy to not masturbate and things like that - but when I am alone for a long while -- it is like being within the darkness without the existence -- kind of mind-bubble and the self-reflection about who I am manifests by myself and then comes the point when I STOP because it is obvious that I am dishonest and the whole story is of illusion.
Ok, that's it, well well.

Something changed

This myself as I am is not same as before.
I am getting the point to not to take any drugs anymore...
Slow but more stable more direct.
I am.
Am I?

Who I am if I am not me anymore as who I was?
Who I was - was I am?

The starting point as all as one as equal as breath - as I remain.
The girl - the need, the fear -all are me - am I accepting me as separation, as desire, as defeat? Not anymore. Not anymore.

This self forgiveness brings me the fact that I am not forgiving within as moment - mostly it is intent - when it is so called 'serious shit' - such as deep deep desire manifests.
I am self honest for an extent when I am aware what to do but I am not doing - it is not real - it is separation. But the unification is already here. I am expressing myself and breathing. Changing. The days are changing me. As I as days as me changing.
But this changing is going to be an unchanging when the change is over. And the change of me as me as who I AM - is the releasing the mind consciousness system practically.

So this situation - self forgiveness is like a huge river and I am in the middle and swirling, swimming all time against the flow and sometimes I just release and I am here and I direct. No, this is bullshit. Bullshit generator.
Direct manifestation. The left thumb pain arises as I judge myself. Stabilization as writing as self as breath in as hold in and as aloud I say I forgive myself that I have accepted to judge myself within my writing expression and I stop judging and I stop wanting to be profound.

So this relationship issue as transcendence. I am so fucking self-special-interested that I tend to let it go so fucking simply fuck them and fuck them all these are me then I am here and I am breathing and I do what I do.

I was so fucking busy because I was so fucking busy.

Since I came back from the rainbow - I like to lay down and considering myself for a moment and where is my breath? Where am I?

I almost forgot that who I am hahahahahahA.
Concept? fuck the concept of who I am, please.

okatta

musi musi

I tried to deny who I was

how fucking dare to deny who I am as all?

I like this music - kraft as it goes the dark deep fast bass - it is real.

this sound is so fucking real

TU RU RU RU - TU - RU RU RU - TU - RU RU RU
150 BPM

I am so fucking out from who I tend to be that I even do not know who I am.

I got everything what I desired for - almost. All most.
And it's gone. So silly that I am this gone-ness here-ness without LESS.


And you here go chasing rabbits?

I was fearful from telling people how I experience them? Fuck it let's see? what I can loose?
Even a facehit I would be glad at this moment because I am lost within the social empathology.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to tell people how I experience at the moment with them because of self-interest, because of self-definition, because of the self-deceptive illusion of system-compassion to cover my own dishonesty.

Metal claws fast blades vast fades black shades.

Be sure of not being of energy.
I am here as sound as life as all as one as man as equal as life as breath.

New screen and no scream?

I am glad that I am.

I am as unification as man. Here.

So fast it became habit to define me according to her that simply I release her. No need, no need, no need, I am, here.
Transcendence I am, unconditional release I am, absolute self honesty manifestation I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be found, to be raised, instead of realizing that I have to stand up for myself as myself as all as one as equal as life within oneness and equality, here.

Release I am, Stand I am, Forgiveness I am, practicality I am, Life I am, Breath I am.

I forgive myself that I participate within the jack in the box memory and within the next moment I am not here and I tend to turn off here for a moment - instead of being here as presence as breath as expression, especially when I am at work at meeting or somebody is speaking to me for a while about some work stuff what is not directly about my job.

I enjoy myself as breath as expression as self directive principle.
I accept myself as breath as expression as self directive principle.

I express myself as music and as video easily, naturally, without consideration, without concept as who I am as one as equal.

Here mindfuck exposed

I've decided to bring my mindwork onto physical level - the most intense part actually is the desire. So I've decided to face. Continous pushing was necessary and even I discovered some dishonesties according to stop suppressing and be able to 'go with the outflow'. I was clear about the starting point to face with my desire and anyway what else shall I do - transcendence I am as whatever comes, I already created it so see the consequences and breath.
On a chat a girl started to talk with me and after a while we met, and I did not liked her, especially that she is a girl who not really have any self-reflectional ability but I was sure that something she can bring out from me...We talked and did two short kisses, I mean even with tongues...
I was aware that she is not really understanding what is happening, but she was kind of spelled with the picture and her desire mixed with hope...
After first meet, I was aware much more dishonesties, and I did not want to meet with her - because only sex I could imagine with her, but even that barely almost not.
So at second meet I said to her, that I am not sure and things like that, but then somehow a kiss came, and it was interesting to see that how I do not say no, and the question came: why? Many stuff came up...
Meanwhile here is THE girl who I was dreaming several times and she is a manifestation of my self-created brainfuck, because: she is gorgeious, a real beauty within the system, kind of mixture of a picture presentation of a Degas and Renoir painting world what I extremely liked.
So I wanted to meet with her after three dreams with her and obviously I had this desire to see her, talk with her, touch, kiss her and just be with her and see what will happen.
Several times I rejected this urge inside - until a moment when I decided to face.
So we met and was big fun and she influenced me instantly, I changed with her presence.
Somehow she brought up this easy, innocence, pure expression of joy and touch and sharing and the child within me and this is like a honey for the bees - somehow this whole concept what I separated myself from as definition of joy and the lack within me - this what proved to be kind of addictive within me.
In other words, I have this ability to extremely open myself with her presence and in other part, somehow I can become quite dependent and conditional with this kind of influence.
I decided to embrace this whole experience and to let myself go - also I fed up with masturbating not only for pictures but for all ways, and I said that if it is programmed, let's see how the program works and how to influence, change, stop it.
So real 3D girl I decided to meet, and she I reached, and after some meets, she slept with me and she really likes me but somehow there is a wall what can come instantly between us and she looks like does not support my ego because in a moment can just become this distant shining star and I face with myself near her AS MY full blown mind manifestation as this swampy heavy energy manifesting like a form of depression and things like this when 'she does not love me with full power'. This is really like a sickness, like missing something really important within my body to operate normally...so twisted
In fact this is the typical past experience with my first girlfriend and that was really a huge mindfucking dishonest experience and it is somehow an another model of the same dishonesty and it is time to face this again...
So then I decided to direct the situation to go together with her to rainbow gathering and it happened and she came not alone but with two friends so 4 of us were in the tent, and somehow I was a bit disappointed but I did not participated within this but pushed myself to expose my intent just to be with her and go with the expression.
I was sure that I can not hesitate, not anymore, the procastination and the suppression was so intense that I had to turn it out to literally explode me because it was already a huge within me - just like an entity what grows and starts to eat and determine me with my permission but without my direction. So what? I said - intensification I was always, whatever comes, I embrace and breath.
There was a point when I experienced her attention slowly but surely turned to me as I pushed the experience of interacting with her and it was so strange, kind of mushroom trip it was - whatever you think, man, forget it - I do not know what I write anymore, I am writing me as one as equal and no intention, no separation, breath as letters as keyboard as music as expression as breath I express and express and express.
So it was like going trough a maze and at points I am deciding- not even decisions but more likely switches - the lever points inside and one represents something and hold some kind of word-graph within me -- or I turn the lever as presence as breath and physical act and movement to turn it out and literally manifest this self-definition into phyisical expression.
At one point it was so complex, I was starting to lose it and for a moment even at the rainbow family I was alone - flabegasting pure virtual mind-lock-in as within the acid trips before it flips to silence - I was like ok let give it up, ALL I GIVE UP, because I was having this intense head pulling experience, kind of headache but more phyiscal than just headache - and I said some self forgiveness and stabilized myself for the moment and realized that I am really after this experience so anyway, no way back - I have to continue - and my desire already manifested specifically and I just wanted to collect all my mind-tentacles to point to her and see what happens and finally at one point simply stop by realizing the direct hereness.

I was speaking with my friend who suggested to read Gurdjieff some years ago and somehow understands much, and even loves Andrea from the desteni farm hahaha(yet says self forgiveness no need to push so much as I do) - anyway we talked and I said him about I have this one dead stop just before I 'reach the peak of the whole experience' when I used to use substances to kick myself over. And he said that then I do not want it really - And I asked myself aloud about Gy(the girl) and in fact yes - I was not sure about I want to be with her closely - the compounded shit about previous experiences with girls and my doubt and fear and disbeliefs and all that as it manifested as this system - made me stop.So I was fearful that if I open myself - I can burn myself and that was really a lost when ten years ago I did - so this doubt I burned into myself, so at this moment I dared to push myself...
He also said that self trust is bullshit as it can be deception because why I need to trust, when I AM - and I realized also that the self trust as I defined - separation- let go of definition of self trust...so cool...
And then I realized that I already chosed, now I am here to understand it - a' la Matrix story, and in the next moment I said that I want this and I face.

Very very soon an old friend(kind of second father of D made lightsignals from distance
and then we heard his shouts, and we ran - he had heartattack, he could not breath, so I got an already ringing phone from somebody to speak with ambulance, to order a helicopter because in other way he can die right here in any moment...
I was aware that my 'compounded energy' virtual 'decisions' can influence physical experience around me and it was fascinating to observe myself how I define myself according to this coincidence...
So then chopper could not come, and when the directions they asked, I gave the phone to somebody who could describe the best way to the camp, ambulance started to come, and it was really within nature, so it was a while.
Rainbow hippies of course made handholding OM saying circle to pray and meditate and all of this energy stuff, I did not wanted to participate and also took a pee, so I walked away, and found Gy within the tent and just wanted to explore her expression near her and she said she was expecting the other guy and I became quite serious and kind of cold - the mind-shield started to shine but in the next moment I just left and said very well, I am here and I am breath - embrace all of this, and inbreath all outbreath all.
I already realized some days before that I suppressed extensively the outbreath - more likely I do a deep inbreath and then not being aware the outbreath and allowing mindwork.
Also the polarity and the self-creation as self-dishonesty is very related to my habit of my outbreath-style.
So I pushed, and I held two girl's hand within the circle around the old guy who was quite in trouble and I breathed until the vain came what took the old guy to ambulance.

Meanwhile somehow I realized how on acid trips we used our mind-focus-intent to forge as one some years ago - for instance 3 of us, we were what we did and until everything focused onto one point and in the next moment the whole concept as construct of manifested words just flew and we remained as one.
Interesting, I was having to be alone and I decided to give it up and enjoy myself, and push myself anyway without her - as she went to meditation with one of the guys from the tent. In that point I was even not sure that she wants to be with him or with me - I felt like it is a test what she does wih herself and with the guy and with me, so I was almost to ask the guy about this situation but somehow it did not happened...
This I was sure that made me ambigous - also that she is so filled with the tibetian buddhism as I was years before - before I realized the deception within myself.
I see them as me - I embrace them but I say what I am having to say - interesting to explore what words they can hear, and very fascinating to realize what words they simply do not hear. Also I realized as I write that they are aware of some of my dishonesties, as I am about 'theirs' but the direct one and equal expression is the only way to express to support all as one as equal...
After the serious quietness was fading at the campfire - and she went to meditate with the other guy - and I fed up swirling inside, I sat to the fire around the others in the dark and I played with my jewsharp and somehow it was just coming and coming and I was one and equal as expression as the instrument and I played long and intense, never intense like this, and my hand did not hurt, and I felt like I reached a point where it does not matter how long I play - hands, mouth wont be tired anymore - I easily changed the positions with my hand and still was playing cool and within tempo and somehow even I had the ability to direct it's flow as a whole story... I was fascinated and enjoyed, and when I finished and people enjoyed it and asked me, I became humble, I just said it just compounded within me and I had to express...
Then Gy came back and sat down somewhere at the other side of the fire and at that moment I was quite stable and I was quite stable yet fascinated about my statement related to her - as I decided fully to want to be with her...
Yet I was sitting and just playing with drums and speaking with people and then Gy asked me to lay down to her and under her was the other guy and it looked funny as three of us were laying together, kind of a sandwich...After a while we decided to play 'flying' when one is holding the another at the hip part with foot and kind of 'make the other fly by feet while the other is like flying...
So I was laying on the ground and I was holding her hands and pulling her onto me and holding her only by my sole in the air but I could not manage it fully, so she fell down..
Then we changed the role, she was holding me but I fell down again..Then Gy asked a girl to help to make this - and they played for a while and then Gy was better - and then she tried to hold me by her sole in the air, but we could not manage it...after some trial, we did it, and it was very cool...we did this before together already, about two or three years ago when we were high on mushroom...So it was cool, and she laid down onto me and we breathed together and spoke much and hugged and fondled for a long while.
We were together for a long time and everything was cool and I realized that I can do anything if I do not hesitate and even if it is mindfuck, I am me and release it as who I am as all life. Because if I do not realize and release - yet still suppressing it - I am of it -- so then better to face and realize and open and be self-honest and apply practical self forgiveness by stopping inner reactions...

There were some points when I realized somehow Gy was aware about many stuff as she said some points when I had to realize that she is still directing the situation and did some placements to not blow the whole stuff away, like between us an other guy slept in the tent(and also the other guy) and these guys are kind of cool faces, ok they are also the same buddhist as I was, but anyway I enjoyed them also as me.

So next morning I realized that Ive changed so much only from the fact that she likes me and allows me to touch, hug, raise, fondle and enjoys it and slowly but surely starts to open for me. I had some moments when I was facing with suppressions but I was physical expression, and slowly but surely inside I was really quiet.
Also at foodcircle(when everybody eats) a girl asked Gy about how comes that she is with 3 boys, and which one is her boyfriend, and she said that none, and the other guy who she was also for some time and I was curious about what she wants from him - she said, he is her brother, and 'maybe an another will be boyfriend, will see' - so I was like this is also a kind of interesting speak and I simply did not allowed to move inside - so that moment it was like 'joy' yet with polarity about how mindfucked I am...Anyway...
Several spoke and naked baths and sunbathes we took and all of day two of us(the other guys were far) we were absolutely together, helping in the kitchen, going to pee, playing music together with the others and all stuff...it was really cool, the rainbow gathering is very cool anyway and even with the dishonesties(like spiritual mystic bullshit and separations) I decided to stand and see and realize and stop inner reactions about it...

At that day, it was the third day when we had to come to home very soon, so after a loong farewell from others at the camp(from all one by one, big hugs) and in a bath when we were four within the water and playing(2 girls, 2 boys), we played kissing arounds and she kissed me deep and basically we kissed all around and then first time we kissed really and it was very cool...
Then we started to go home(out to the village to the car) and hand by hand we walked trough the forest out to the village and interesting realizations I experienced.

I mostly never liked to hold a girl's hand only when I really liked her. Because somehow it required some full blown commitment and it was only with Cica before...
Now I just grabbed her hand and enjoyed - I was really surprised that I open myself up so much with her... Fascinating how much me I separated from myself by the definition of 'the most beautiful girl inside and outside as well as I perceive'.
Because obviously I required this to reunite with her - because I found her outside from me what I lack - the beauty, the joy, the innocence, the flow, uninhibited expression and all of this - I judged myself as I am not these...
So I placed myself into this situation and I had to realize that she I love.
We found a disturbed 'LOVE' sign put together from woodsticks on the ground on the dirtroad as we left the rainbow camp and it was disturbed, many pieces were all over the place and Gy and me put it back together the letters to repair the word LOVE. lol

Also I had to realize that I separated myself from the word love - because I decided to not love myself, and here I am within this kind of strange love.
But it is mindfuck, we talked about it, and somehow I trusted myself without thinking about trust - I breath and I walk trough and as the wholeness of everything and assist myself as her as one as equal to realize who we are as life.
So then we stopped at a big lake, called Balaton towards home and we swam and played in the water and also kissed, and there was the swim scene.
The others(the two boys and an other girl) remained alongside the coast and Gy swam deep inside, and I followed her and I stopped when I realized maybe I am not so good swimmer, as I did not even swim since two years from that point when at Goa I was hit at the searocks so hard that my hip almost broke.
Fascinating.
So then I saw that quite far she stopped and looket after me, so I just swam after her and I was just breathing and moving within and as the water.
We hugged each other and kissed and then swam towards the sunset...
After we joined to others and played some more and the interesting stuff that the other boys are also liked to play with her but after a point they stopped, and somehow it was obvious that they are interested in her but not really, what I did not understand but it was good point to see that am I jealous or not and some points I felt like this but I also said self forgiveness several times and I pushed myself and I breathed and embraced - or I expressed like this...
Then we kissed some more and hugged and laughed and when we came home - it was really shocking to enter the dark, stinky, foggy city with the people - that was like total oppose of the nature and the kind, quite opened hippies - but I embraced and did not allowed myself to sink down, because I was aware that all of this I am - not polarity I am, so I open myself and breath.
And I asked her, when we kiss again and she said, at Ozora(one month later) a goa festival, and I was a bit disappointed, so at that moment all of me was quite exposed that I expected something and then I did not get so I was empty and even I forget my starting point as breath for some moments, and then she kissed me some more times and then I said to her as we hugged that ' I release you' and smiled and then I walked away...towards home...
At home my flat was dirty and dark and I just threw down all my clothes and went to sleep.
I was also interested to fing Gy at the internet once and I found a name in a pairhunter place what has similar than her and I was kind of interested about maybe she is, but then I realized that she is not her - I felt myself like after acid trips...
totally changed I felt - I was not interested to sit at the front of the computer, and playing or things like that - I wanted to write, write all of this, and express self forgiveness and release self dishonesties but I was already tired, so in the morning I woke up and also I experienced some hope about maybe she will reach me over phone but of course nothing happened.
Also I realized that everything happened is a gift, I am all, and if I define myself according to polarity, I am not whole and I manifest shit.
Even today I felt like splitted - as gifted by the moment when I am expression with her - and shocked as how I am dependant to this girl to be kind of 'whole' - what is obviously not real because without her I felt myself like this 'body filled with moving mud' kind of physical manifestation of the mind demon within myself.
Also I had burned myself really red before, and I had this ambigous feeling within my body, and also maybe I still have ticks - we spoke about we will check each other but it did not happened, and Gy did it with the other guy and I was not there so that's it...
Afternoon I went to bank to take out my salary and I called her to meet because she works on street, but did not picked it up, so I went back to workplace.
When I infiltrated into subway without ticket, the checker man came after me and kind of shouted to me about ticket and what the fuck I think why they are at the entrance, and I said well I have nothing, I just come and that's it, and he was quite aggressive and then said 'then just go' and I said thank you, and somehow I felt myself vulnerable, and then I walked back to office and continued to work like a kicked out dog lol.
Then Gy called me and said she had several ticks and I should check myself and also said that she will meet me on this week because she has my blanket and I also has something what I have...
Then I had this itchy feeling all over my body and I wrote to her about it would had been cool if I was checked after ticks by her and 'anyway please check that on me when you come'...and also the other girl who I met twice before, asked about meet and I did not answered, and I felt like the center of the polarity and experiencing the two edge of the frequency domain and seeing those as one big mindfuck.
Very well, it is mostly the story, and I am here, and I fed up my dishonesty, and I am here to forgive myself because I contained so long this bullshit since twelve years...

I am not sure that it is mindfuck to be with her and see how we embrace this situation, but will see... I directed this, because at this moment she is the only one who I could be - not within relationship, but in any way whatsoever - Agreement? I do not know - but I do not accept anything less than who I am and I do not accept anything less than who she really is and I do not hesitate to intervene to show her nature and if we wont met anymore, then not, but until I enjoy and expose my fears and dishonesties and embrace the mind and exploring practical knowledge about who I am and push myself to remain inner silent and breath in and breath out and support her within her realization as me.

So self forgiveness after a cup of water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.
Also I write down Veno -self forgiveness - relationship.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I require and need another separate from me to fullfill and complete me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept myself as incomplete and unfullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from myself as another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek and search for love in another from who and which I have separated me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'love'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'relationship'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to be complete and fullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another separate from me to be loved and to experience love.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to consider the words 'falling in love' - only noticing and considering the word love in the equation and not the word 'fall'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dream and wish and hope and desire to be 'whisked' and wiped off my feet by an eligible attractive man or attractive beautiful woman of which I pictured in my mind as being: The One.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condition and conform to society by desiring and wanting and needing a must-have relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to influence and change myself to attract a hopeful possible partner.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'knees going weak' and 'butterflies in the stomach' are actually experiences of me instead of realizing they are manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually literally 'buy into' the ludicrousness of the fact that love actually exists.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that love and relationship is the trap of this world to remain pre-occupied in 'my own world' instead of opening my eyes and ears to see and hear what's really going in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'fall' into the trap of the mind as love and relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define love and sex under the category of the manifestation of a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become blind and deaf by the overwhelming experiences of feelings and emotions within a relationship and closed myself off and separated myself from the rest of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a relationship as an escape from the world to not have to face the world I exist in and experience myself within.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will 'find' and 'discover' myself within a relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that emotions and feelings for another separate from me are actually experiences of me as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire, want and need a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to merely accept and allow emotions and feelings for another separate from me - believing such emotional and feeling experiences to be 'normal' and 'okay', because everyone else is also experiencing them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to enjoy 'being loved' by another - instead of accepting joy as me as the expression of me as self love.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to love myself and because of this - I went on a journey to find, search and seek love elsewhere.
I forgive myself that I have nt allowed myself to realize that by me wanting, desiring, wishing and needing a relationship - I was actually asking for a relationship with me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to ever in my life, not once in my life, consider me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to start a relationship and go on a relationship quest - because that's what the rest of the world is doing - so most obviously: I must do it as well.
I forgive myself that I have alllowed sex, relationship and love to become my obsessions, oppression and suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resist myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take me for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define holding, cuddling, fondling, kissing and sex as intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that love and relationship actually exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe, perceive and think that others who are in relationship are happy and content - not really knowing or understanding that what they are projecting is the lie to the world and the deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust my thoughts feelings and emotions instead of me trusting myself as who I am of life within and oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself and by this judgement requiring and needing another separate from me to love me, appreciate me and adore me because I apparently couldnt and cant for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is ridiculous.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is too simple and fallible to actually assist and support me in what I am experiencing within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and condemn my own words.
I forgive myself that I have even allowed to give the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions the 'time of day' and taking for granted the breath of life as life of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in a relationship with another.
I forgive mylse fthat I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that God created male and female as is to experience the apparent joys and wondrous ecstasy and euphoria of sex and to make babies and start a family.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live by laws and regulations of society of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that people who've beein in relationships actually knows anything of relationships and have allowed myself to fllow the example of other love sick puppies lost in the mind as I am.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to notice the word 'sick' in 'love sick puppies' and only notice the word love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to have power over me and power of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive and dishonour and lie to myself in the name of love, relationship and sex.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be intimate with me - self-intimacy is the key of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my parents were actually 'happily married' and that I'd also want to have an experience like that with anoother: Relationship, marriage, home, car, children, successful business and money.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have 'fallen' head over heals' for the deception and manipulation and lies of the system when 'falling head over heals' for another separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to Gy to call me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to want and wish and desire to Gy to see me, hug me, kiss me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not love myself if I desire to be loved with another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as unfullfilled, as lacking, as hoping, as depending.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to own Gy to have it for me as my precious, because I put worth and walue into my definition of her and by that balancing the polarity of self-unacceptance and self-dishonesty as self-deception as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not requiring somebody to fullfill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself in order to avoid to be vulnerable and hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath in as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath out as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have Gy with me and to be loved with her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that I want a beautiful and expressive girl like Gy to be with me who gives her attention to me and receiving my attention and stimulating each other to have this joy bubble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discipline myself to remain physically here and then accepting myself to live by my thoughts and saying that 'I release it and realize' - even when it is obviously self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for her call because then it would mean that she would like to be with me, so then I am worthy, so I am good enough, so I am somebody, so I am real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself as 'joy'.
I forgive myself that I have separated myself from the word 'joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'joy' by pictures within my mind and define 'my' 'joy' according to my self-created self-deception-based definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have her with me.

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Self corrective application.

I express myself and I offer my support - but I do not accept myself as desire, I do not accept myself as dependance.
I express myself as joy and I express myself as innocence but I stop desire for touch, kiss, sex - yet I do not suppress the expression as myself.
I do not accept anything less than who I am as inner silence as life as oneness and equality.
I do not accept myself as desire, I do not lie to myself and I do not deceive myself anymore.
I do not fuck myself with the illusion of love because this is killing me. It is killing my head, my body, myself - this mind is phyisically manifesting trough my emotions my lack, my fear, my dishonesty - I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISHONESTY.
I apply self forgiveness, I move, I change, I live, I breath, I stand.
I release her, I let go her, I do not wish to be with her because when I wish after her - I am not here, I am not me, I am not inner silence as expression.
I stop associating to her by popping up mind pictures about her face, her hand, her tits, her pussy, her thigh, her foot, her hair, her sound, her tongue.
I am here, I delete these definitions, I stop all mindwork, I am here, what is physically here - real, what is not here - it is not real.
I stop pretend that I am inner silent when I am not, and I ask her to assist me to dare me to be inner silent and stand alone.
I breath naturally when she looks to me, I breath naturally when she wants something for me and I discover the deception within this already manifested deception and release by stopping participate and that's it.
I do not close myself into a mind bubble in order to escape from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I forgive my dishonesty about her, then she will call me -self deception I stop.
I forgive myself that expect her to answer to my message yet realizing that this would be just a food for my ego - even when in fact maybe really I still have ticks on my body where I could not check myself.
Also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to take olive oil to the gathering, even when the mostly I wanted this, but I procastinated and I wanted to ask Gy to bring it and then I just suppressed to ask her and then we did not have olive oil...
Olive oil is extremely supporting under intense sun, because it helps to make skin oily what protects and repairs the skin...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from olive oil.
So in short- this happened in last days - will see what happen, I will write more -- because:
- this is real shit within me, the desire for very beautiful girl and then the manifested mind-experience of 'love sick' within the body, this kind of heavy unconfortable sad feeling as self-defeat: when this occurs - I stand, I lay down and I breath, and I embrace, and I relax into and as the experience and show to the system as me that this is who I am - come join me and be one and equal and then I direct, and I stop as one as equal within oneness and equality.